I don’t have presently have a type, and in searching for jobs, if its not the right time, it only means that there is room for improvement on my end, its been 5 months at rest, recently going through voices again, hit a negative cycle, stayed up one night, not overdo the night meds or day meds, and make sure to pace myself, there is no rush, its been a long year, if Im not dying then its not that important to talk about when if ever I have felt hurt since right now is about right now, without explanation of the past which cannot describe what Im going through now with or without love in my life, I think keeping your distance is smart, what is hurtful, is to not make a full recovery, my condition as bipolar on day and night meds to function, I am okay with, maybe not something that others are used to, and that’s okay, for most jobs you have to be awake at night and unfortunately Im asleep by 8pm, that doesn’t mean that Im a weaker human being its just the schedule Im on, and whatever was recommended to me, it’s a regime that is supposed to help me function in life, whether that’s through running or writing, and the goal is to start working again not to be a blogger indefinitely, or supposedly well during COVID, I think I have been working at a slow pace since 2013, and that’s in recovery I know the time, the length, and the duration of stages it takes to overcome a set of feelings in which you don’t feel good about yourself less than capable or even stupid, and its possible to catch up with who you were then, and if youre lucky even become a smarter version than you remembered yourself ever being, and everything that happens in between, although you may not forget, and others may not forget either, just do your best to stay well. Less is more meaning you cannot justify a harm, if it was caused, if you later got in trouble, then that was what was done to you at the time, and it will not matter grades, behavior, sleep pattern or meds, that’s just how the justice system works, not in support of you > punished, and so on and so forth, even if you haven’t met the world yet, which means it wont matter how you turn out, there will always be something about you disagreeable to a few, and you also have to respect that about people in support of one another, that’s nothing you can change, and nothing you have to prove yourself over or about, that only makes things worse. So while things may be getting worse for you, less empathy, no compassion, ridicule, not making sense, not of value, doesn’t work hard, or not done with care, lacking detail, whatever the factors are being weighed, what do you represent, you represent you, so how big do you need to be and why, and what will that do for you in your career moving forward to be acknowledged, so forget about the past, as an indicator of your behaviors and reactions, what you do in life what happens to you if you share that about yourself, it will become a timeline tested memorized and repeated throughout your life, that’s having done something wrong, and being punished no matter what it was you were being punished for if you share how you have lived your life, then that is why you get punished as though you don’t value yourself, not prompt, or not a good person to know or be in contact with, combined with any later happenings it just gets worse and worse, so whenever I throw my hands up in the air and give up or seem anti-social, or not interested in dating, or not well enough to date, that’s not just my fault, that’s also a decision made by others, to inhibit my reputation which affects my capacity to date or be loved, trusted, hired, etc, it will always be based on how you feel whether you can perform, whether you are of value in money dollars and cents to anyone, sizing you up, to trust you in any caretaking position, whether that be for clients or an audience, so when do things typically go well, upon doing my best. How are things different, something unique happened to me over summer, which was briefly showcased on Facebook, but really created a burden for me to articulate what was occurring at the time, that that became of me, so for anyone who already thought less of me, it didn’t really help to not reinforce negative voices, and I don’t think any poetry really sufficed to focus on any other issues other than myself, which less sympathy was granted, even if its not a believable condition, no one will care what you are like mentally ill, but they will also not understand that everything isn’t reversed with a pill, its overtime an improvement occurs, so I should have been smarter about things, and its hurtful for me, to not be good enough to talk to people, to work for people, to date others, or even to be at least a blogger online, so the more convinced I am that I am mentally ill, that really creates no options for me moving forward and does not help to improve whatever current setback Im going through doing as Im told, and not making my life worse, which should not be set to suffering for any reason voices, or because of any self-harm, so whether it all amounts to a situation in defend of another, I can totally understand that, and if that’s something I need to watch out for, then that will be a stance of something who thinks that popularity is something I cannot manage or ruin, or whether I get sick by substances or people, and further criticize, any other moment in life, in which I have not been well when where and why and how old was I when I got sick. This is why I don’t drink or do drugs, meaning I don’t get better with meds, but my condition is monitored with meds, that require me to move, improve and write, and just because Im doing well doesn’t mean that everythings going to work out for me, not if I complain or am negative I have no reason to not be happy, or to be sick, I have everything I want, I am everywhere I want to be in life, I haver all the meds I need, my pictures look nice, and have recently been in touch with old friends, so please learn to leave things alone. And if there is ever a situation where you are not happy with anything Im saying, this is why Im moving to wordpress, for comments, and also complaints, which they have a service that can monitor content, to the specifics of an audience, who is also heard in terms of what is helping or hurting an already stable situation which to my understanding does not need to be made worse by personal issues or photos, that’s understandable. Re: #justiceroberts, being too late for love, and worry for his current condition, not making a big deal over representation, I think he did an excellent job being strong for everyone, Im sorry I forgot about him, I only spoke professionally to all, and never though to approach anyone on an individual basis, which was probably not necessary, to speak to anyone separately just like “the people” in general, everytime Ive spoken privately with anyone, anything that they have had to say in support, later becomes a fight and that’s just getting to know people and people not being into you, or done with you in life, and that’s okay too, you move on.
#stopsuicide (Bipolar, Medication Management, Being an Adult: My Mom controls my Adderall since 2019). Originally Posted 03-13-21
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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