Peace occurs in many ways: (1) love (2) friendship (3) understanding (4) compassion (5) argument (6) opinion (7) historical referencing (8) perspective, and (9) trust. It doesn’t come easy to most, in fact many unhappy in their lives, find it difficult to care when their needs must be met first, safety needs, security needs, personal, and privacy needs. Not many are so willing to go out on limbs in life, to serve a greater good, or a larger purpose, separate from the daily commitments and disciplined practices, that’s leaving a safe space from which to think, to a less structured arena, in which to lead, follow, be influenced by, comprehend, understand, and be first to see bigger pictures, or settle under the leadership of more promising endeavors. That’s your choice who you who choose to respect, admire, look up to, listen to, be influenced by, imitate, think of, worry about, usually people who you have an interest in getting to know, or wish to know more about, that attraction to that person, breeds an opening for a new perspective or way of thinking about life, from a clean and new slate, that’s bonding, taking away a present fear as alone, and once connected see better, that’s generally the main goal of socialization, to feel better, that doesn’t mean look better or achieve more in tandem, that’s not always the case, usually the most independent of others are the strongest, not always designated to positions of leadership, due to lack of experience, or speaking skills, but nonetheless, looked upon, during times of needs, for best practices when it comes to interpretation of the wellness or others, as well as their own wellness, feel sound, its who you surround yourself with that you connect to and based upon those connections feel, and depending upon how many connections you can accommodate at one time, feel safe, that’s the difference between those best one-on-one and those best in groups, theres a reason for that, energy, some fade, not able to keep up, and best while reading one, being read by one, and hearing themselves, in groups, voices tend to occur, where there is disagreement, as to the trust and wellness of a person as influencer, and seeking to find signs of ineligibility, or purposeful failures, to illustrate how if one self-sabotages they are not to be trusted as reliable, that’s the basics of choosing your professional relationships, not to bond on purpose, but to work in sync with one another, and not interfere with one anothers best interests, health.
Not being talkative on purpose, only if Im in writing mode and have something important to say, usually thoughtful but apologize if words describing, make others appear weak, that’s not to say Im the problem, but its important to mention, not intended to hurt anyones feelings, as being associated to me, now that I am today not well again, will take 6 months to heal, image. Once you embarrass yourself, relapse, that you cannot afford, not even when well, you get sick again, this is my first experience sick, upon relapse, due to my beliefs then acting out of character, when you are wrong nothing can be done to fix your wellness, only rest, and abstaining from drinking, if you are hard on yourself don’t be, Im sorry I self harmed, took abilify, thought that I could do without the meds, realize to sound appropriate not come across as insensitive and be made fun of later for talking to self, or talking to others, thoughts insulted, as not smart, or a product of uppers, and meds, not intelligence, just fast talking verbose. I think that for the most part, I was doing well, stopped going to meetings, but will return as soon as I stabilize sometime after the 27th and resume the recovery process, not as offender but as well, and not relapse drink, that’s the idea, where you were wrong, then fix that wrong by staying sober, that’s the point, it shows that you understand drinking and its consequences, and that because you did not behave well on alcohol, that you cannot drink in public, risk humiliation, self-harm, talking about things like you know what youre talking about, sharing delusions as though they should matter to everyone, overreacting to rejection or the silent treatment, and then not being patient, or in a rush for responses, or for feedback as affirmation for wellness. You really have to be strong confident to handle the pressures of the non-chalant attitudes back, or the super friendly, and then cold, or laughing but not at you, but in a good way kind. Sometimes voices help mostly if you take meds, I don’t self-harm, off meds, self-harm upon hearing too many voices, usually testing things Ive written on me, checking for responses. ~Im sorry Ari Emanuel, love always, Leslie Fischman, he's a super-friend at this point in my life .... helped me to sleep for 3 months.
There will be moments when you lose motivation, don’t feel good enough, and not sure of yourself and others, stay positive, my best advice, when feeling lost, or in between phases in life, we all go through transitions, some more difficult than most. These are just feelings and feelings have never resulted in death as I was told in an AA meeting, in Dana Pointe, thought about that comment, didn’t agree with it immediately, but stood out to me, sometimes I wonder whether its coming from actual personal experience a deduction, or whether people just say things based upon a feeling, thinking that it will resonate with someone else they perceive to be going through or having an issue with that, never speak to your audience in a group setting, focus your attentions inward, reading not what is expected of you to say, but as recollected be prepared, always having something to say, or if from the top of your head, have some system of maintaining your sense of self, don’t ever lose yourself in a group setting, writing to the expectations of others, speaking to the expectations of others, but always do your best, that’s not to say that others too don’t have high expectations of you, that Im sure they do, what they value, in your writing, and whether they recognize what good writing is we will never know, what it is people value in people, but its some likeable quality or trait, that they are accepting of, their ability to be themselves, comfortable with themselves, why self-esteem is so important, and maintaining confidence in yourself is so important, when you are bad or doing something wrong, this affects your decision making, your speaking abilities, how you present yourself, and your level of comfort around others, that’s on you to figure out for yourself, who you are, what your likes are, what your dislikes are in terms of whats hurting or benefiting you thought wise, exposure wise, and limit yourself to that which makes you feel good, and certain about self and others, well adjusted in life, that’s always the main goal. -Not all will get you and thats okay. So long as you waste time in protest thinking about what others are thinking ot saying you are wasting time in life not being yourself, why they tell you to focus on yourself. All time wasted sets you further back in life, that includes time frozen in worry, not breathing, and taking life with a grain of salt, thats not the purpose for blogging, to prove or disprove the appropriate treatment of individuals myself included, but it was only happening to me, and thats because I was put in that position in life as alone, why it was so overwhelming, to explain self, and having no one be in support of me, out alone, or drinking, or after having relapsed with friends, trusted, treated as less than, you will come to certain points in your life, where you can choose to stand still or go downward, the best choice is to keep still. In stillness is how you diffuse nervousness, make good decisions, sometimes when we pile our plates too high trying to make up for lost time, we feel under pressure in life, the cost at performing well under dire circumstances may cause others to question your genuineness in life, and try to control your output, or future, by telling you what to do, and in their power control what things look like. Thats your choice to either represent yourself, or be prosecuted behind your back for things that are not your fault, but for things that have happened to you which contributed to choices made.
When it comes to reaching your goals in life, don’t set yourself back doing what you know you shouldn’t be doing. If you were advised previously not to drink on meds, then don’t drink its as simple as that. Today I realize that I don’t need to drink to have a good time or to make friends. I thought that I was missing out in life and decided to go out, Im glad I did because I made two new friends, but that’s not always the best way to meet people while out drinking especially not alone, Im not sure what impression that gives, to have no friends and to go out alone. Much of life requires us to be independent, but I don’t think you need to be that independent in life to make things happen for you, no one can babysit you, when it comes time to meet new people, not on a Tinder date, and not out at the bars, sometimes you have to live life. Do you feel bad that you drank, after having 14 years sober? Ive relapsed before, on alcohol, but not on cocaine, and for the most part, have stayed clean and sober, since 2006, after attending outpatient rehab at Boulder Community Hospital and graduated with Honors had a 3.8 GPA in Sociology and a 3.6 GPA overall, which went down because I drank and did Cocaine. You live and you learn, but made a lot of friends, had a group of girls I was very close with, and still speak to one of them today, who recently got married and had a baby. She married Vlasic. Do you miss your friends? Sure I do, they encourage me to call them and to keep in touch, but haven’t had the courage, or felt well enough to call, Im not sure why Ive been so avoidant. Get to a stable point in life then live life, and no matter where youre at in life, always make time for people that care, that’s the bottom line, youll never be quite perfect, but that doesn’t mean stop living life all together and avoid being social, you need a little social life to get by sometimes. Do your best to be a good person, and if you relapse so be it, don’t beat yourself over it, sometimes best people can do is stop binge drinking, and drink once in awhile, than stop all together, it takes a lot of strength to abstain from drinking all together, Im not sure how popular AA is, or how many people are in recovery, and how many of those people follow my blog, probably were disappointed, Im not a Sponsor yet, you need at least a year sobriety to be one, so don’t think I should be held to that standard of disappointment, Im sorry.
As advised, humor is not used as a form of communication, as to issues thought of issue, or to highlight remaining issues that people have with people, and who is being affected. That is mostly in my head, to detail and report incidences of being around people, and to cater to disfavorable positions toward me is why I am going to do a 90x90 going out in Santa Monica. It may take awhile, Starbucks is included, welcome there, I think for the most part even if known, lifes all about winning people over, and although people may be hesitant to accept you to see if you are confused, or they are confused, as to your wellness, or think youre gone, and try to make you appear stupid by short handing you in life, that’s nothing to take personally, as though because you are a blogger, that’s mostly paranoia. No Ive not been served a check outside, only once and hit my head insulted, that bar was later closed down for other reasons, the same bar I was followed out, after not being in the mood to talk, and negotiated with to hang out as friends, I was going through a breakup at the time, apart from a boyfriend texting me until I hit my head, accusing me of drinking to hook up or drinking and hooking up, I would sit alone at the bar with my headphones on and only after I was aggravated made to look stupid, then what was being put on paper sometimes mostly typing in my phone, maybe a few time started talking, there is a general progression from being inward and focusing in school, and then in your last year you take courses that teach you how to present and speak, I was never given that opportunity to take the courses requiring presentation and public speaking, only occasionally raising my hand in class to share briefs, always detailed, and then eventually, with work did not have time to manage everything, reading cases the hours before class. -Its important to be taken seriously in life, but not that important, and its not important to speak about important things to feel important, that’s not how one becomes important in life or of value as a shared opinion in life. Im not a journalist so very new to public speaking in a professional tone, used to only share bits and pieces from my life, and share humor along the way, if I thought of anything funny to say or a humorous way to present information share, that’s by my memories and exposures, what is funny to me looking back on moments from my life, and then using those moments to characterize myself presently in a humorous fashion. The worst that could happen as a blogger is to be treated as joke in person, and then wonder afterward and realize things in an order directed by what thoughts they sought to trigger in passing through your life, don’t think too much about others, that’s called obsession, its usually unwise to think too much about any particular interactions, some stand out, but not make a big deal of anything, unless you make it so, same goes with life or death issues, allow people to get well, worrying doesn’t help enable others to achieve well as spoke about or overhead concerns about them directly or people around them, that’s not helpful to create problems where none lie in anticipation of someone being the cause of anothers lack of wellness, and to blame someone put on anti-psychotics as the cause of illness, Im not the cause, just stopped taking anti-psychotics as of today and going back to having energy and working again. I need to finish my dissertation and 1 hr a day of work and blogging, and sleeping, and one trip to Starbucks or two, is not a normal full day, one should accomplish more than that to be tired, that’s unusual to sleep as much as I do, and be napping, that’s because I have been put on heavy meds, because its others, when I am well, complain to my doctors, that Im not well, because without a job, and trying to finish law school seen as a expense not a contribution worthwhile good enough for, I enjoy writing that is my passion, the purpose of finishing school is that with a degree you can get a job, I don’t think its necessary to bring up where my lack of confidences have come from, why friendships have not resumed, that’s really no ones business, what meds I was put on, and why I sounded the way I sounded, not good enough or smart well spoken, it seems these days that the better someone gets to know you, the least the respect you, as being open and courteous of the feelings of others, to know whether you have been through a lot to give them the choice of whether or not to associate with you or be in your life, explain, thats just a disposition that happens when you are not comfortable with yourself, and after suit, with a record, you are treated as less than, that’s until you either stay normal, and if not only proving them right, well that was the point of sharing so much information to give people a choice, not force anyone to thin or believe in me or anyone or think a certain way to feel normal themselves, Im allowed to have 1 ¾ beers, Santa Monica Beer and ¾ a Stella. I talked to the police today, I call them all the time, its their choice what to do with me, if my social standing does not improve and with it voices occurring as Im improving, that’s not to make anyone look bad by looking good myself, Im not a vindictive person trying to appear better than others, that wasn’t the point of losing weight, competition. -Dont be a source of talk, be yourself.
At different points in your life different things will matter to you, sometimes you will be on point, looks wise and other times you’ll watch yourself fall apart, change doesn’t happen over night, so does not the degradation of your body and soul, as to the thoughts that encompass floating above you and through you as interpreted whether directed toward you purposefully, and then theres face dysmorphia, whether you can recognize self, recognizable to others as normal, and whether the differences in your facial features as speaking to someone else, excites or perplexes them, what causes attraction and what the face looks like in judgment, or positivity. There is a such thing as taking things too far when it comes to reading others, some wish not to be read, similarly, I do not read others, and wish not to be read. That’s in looking at you, talking to you non-stop for reactions from you, without allowing you to speak clearly, that’s called being overwhelmed, that has nothing to do with attractions or intimidations in life, but everything to do with who is being who, a leader or a follower of another, above or below, in charge of themselves, or trying to navigate or take charge of anothers sense of self, be to dominating. Those are just personality types, and you’ll have to learn to be less intimidated by others, in order to feel accustomed, or normal around others, comfortable. You will always be judged by what you say, and sometimes we have no control over the course of our discussions, sometimes we reflect and sometimes we are present, sometimes we think over what has passed recalling the past in the positive, and sometimes if we are unhappy with where we are now can recall things in the negative if asked or called upon to speak to those facts in life, that’s your choice what you wish to talk about you will always be read as though what you say and what is important to you from memory is what is bothering you or has bothered you past to determine your disposition now, as whether and when the causes for change occurred, and whether and when as to what jokes toward you persisted, that is was considered positive conduct to treat you as lesser than based upon looks, and harder upon once a positive look was achieved, to what extent are we pressured to appear well, and then beyond appearing well, able to maintain stability and be positive, its so much work to get to points in life, sometimes its hard to sustain well, and get better beyond a simple well state of mind, functioning, overtime, as things become more automatic to you, the easier it is, upon learning and understanding how to be or how to look, then you can look the same no matter how difficult a day or how much you suffer in life, treat lapses in judgment like a cold, fixable, not necessary to be said out loud, every passing thought or deduction in life, as about others, and why paranoid, I think things are generally set up in life if not in your favor to causes you to: (2) feel alienated (2) talk to someone in power (3) try to fix yourself to be around others (4) face rejection upon needing others (5) share paranoid thoughts out loud or in private as expected to prove (6) your paranoid thoughts caused XYZ deaths. No I was not famous at the time, no MLK speech was expected of me, I went to a State Bar law school I was not held in high esteem as that of a leader to speak to the issues -as a student you are focused on yourself, upon leaving school you strengthen street smarts based upon adapting to the conditions around you, if you are on your own independent you are not keeping up with whats going on outside of you, because you are working on whats inside of you, your smarts. Once people give up on you, dont send yourself down in life, get suicidal.
Taking a break from blogging to continue working on my Dissertation, see a new Therapist tomorrow, I have three new Doctors, thats is because the ones I saw were not equipped to care for me in a way in which I was able to stay well, get well, and achieve in life, to my fullest potential. Gaining weight again, experiencing mental health issues as not pretty, sued, and given mental illness, is not my fault, when someone hurts me, and then to discuss, only makes things worse. Dont attack me thinking that I am talking about you, as though you from my past hurt me and my future. #stophate
Just left Starbucks after a run, ran intervals a 30 minute run became a 21 minute run! Wow, amazing off the Abilify I can move again, that’s impressive. In passing three soldiers dressed in fatigues entered through the back door, its always nice to see them around town, make the neighborhood feel like a bustling city, intermixed with all different types of working professionals, we are so lucky to have them on board. Just made a joke to my now pen pal, that I could’ve kept talking and drinking with two different dudes, or call my quasi-boyfriend of three dates, I met April 2019, to reunite, but instead, with a dead cell phone, gave my number, and waited for replies, one instantly as soon as my phone lit up at home, a website to go to for tutorials about their business, and in exchange submitted my resume for review, to be brought on board, the requirement is for me to watch the tapes, I expect to hear from him today, or will need to follow up with him, he’s an Attorney from Argentina or Italia, I forget now, he had an accent, I was waiting for my cab, and he approached me, to introduce himself, similarly I was approached once my headphones came off, by another patron to the hotel I visited last night. Its one of my favorite places to go, on an off day, when doing well. Nothing to celebrate, just when you’ve reached a stopping point of rest, do we have time to socialize sometimes, writing is a full time job, of reading and reviewing, and organizing ones thoughts and work, for future use, or editing already written work for publishing in a book form, it takes time, to figure out on ones own how to write a book, and being the publishing process, of throughts, or articles, with the sustenance of ideas coming from you, and as referenced to other sources for support. Hard to explain about yourself, but makes for good conversation, and interesting positive note about self if you blog, to share if you do, doesn’t seem to intimidate or turn off others. I met a lawyer, who wanted to introduce me to his music friends, dressed in blue, he was very sweet. Im assuming he did not already know me from online, hear my Monica Chanukah joke. Be careful when looking backwards where we place blames, we could be hurting people who are already suffering and don’t need to relive the trauma, of events causing them or other mental disturbance, not all of us are 1985ers, we lived though many events, world events, and still on par, basically we played during our off hours super social, and worked hard studied hard, and all played sports or did some extracurricular activities, sometimes its when we are most busy, life gets the best of you, meaning not in the negative as is being assumed, lose track of time or fail to maintain connections in life, or fail to follow up with correspondences, that’s life, its not always coming at you, sometimes you have to go out there and live life for yourself.
There are many distractions in life, that may take you off course in life, you have to give meaning and purpose to your life, in order to feel fulfilled at whatever it is you are seeking to become in life, more well off, a better state of mind, or better overall wellness, you cannot comprehend the time that’s been lost, while you are getting well, that only sets you further back in life, and for historical purposes, does more harm than good moving forward, my apologies for addressing distractions in life, but thought that it was an important point to make. I think for the most part you are put in positions in life, left with few resources, and knowing you, who you go to talk to during times of need, and it by your theories in life you are tested whether there is any truth to the matter, that upon being distracted, if not in a positive way kept well informed, that your intuitions were not helpful in deciphering where the risks lied, and what needed work in order to overcome growing pains associated to becoming accustomed to violence in our communities, jokes on important figures in society, and whether at all those personal concerns are worth redressing. It usually just so happens that people who are well off, or in the limelight, doing well, focused on themselves, not focused on others, are the ones who get hurt upon entrusting others with their livelihood, or best decision making skills, get thrown off course. Usually we blame the sick or the not well or needy as being a cause for distorted wellness in the community, and overall health an well being of what is thought of about others. I had two beers tonight. There is motivation and drive, and there is fear, do not be mistaken between the two, there is not need to put someone in a state of fear, of what others think and waste their energy stores in life, trying to comprehend, what has run afoul about them behind their backs. -This statement may not bring all a sense of peace, sometimes you have to bring yourselves to that point in time, on your own by your own thoughts not as directed by anyone, that’s not my job, to please others, or to again, cite to any street references be made to look like I put others at risk of harm, as in conjunction with criminals, think alike or respond the same or think humorous, Im simply reporting what is going on around me, and by what I see think, there were points in time where we went by feeling, now things are so blatant and obvious, that there is no need for feeling insulted, that is beyond the point, and the point others are trying to make that but for the selfish concerns on a single person as to image, we would not have lost lives? That’s not the reason for our loses, whenever anyone expresses concerns that’s a service.
Dissertation Draft (will begin again tomorrow) by Leslie A. Fischman for Thomas Jefferson School of Law
Im not sure how it is for men, as a woman I can only speak from my own shoes, that confidence is built upon doing what is right not what is wrong, by sober time earned, not drinking and doing drugs, and not by sleeping around, dating monogamously, or hooking up with one person at a time, it’s a very frustrating subject to have been mishandled in life, as someone who was worse than they were and treated like a drug addict simply because of who my friends were at the time, what their personal histories were, and how I was made to feel unstable, as though at odds with friends, learn to maintain the confidences of those who grow close to you, its not they who hurt you, but its in the sharing of those confidences, sometimes what is shared, is an incomplete thought, or a rash decision, to plant a seed, to see where it drives your thought processes in life -as someone who thinks methodotically, you can only think logically for so long, before it begins to hurt, that’s how you know you have been harmed, either someone has told you something “grose” or “obscene” or decribed an experience “traumatizing to them and to onlookers” and then recaptivating those feelings of fear within, by discussing again what went wrong, and how they were punished, for some reason, I lived for three years without meetings, self-harming sober, in bed by 5ppm, suffering, hearing voices, and everyone sharp with me, changing on me, suddenly confident toward me or controlling, Im not sure what that is, it seems as those I appear feeble minded or not smart, that I am spoken to as though I am stupid. My head hurts to have my feelings hurt, and if you were not there to understand why I was being bullied, it was not deserved, a simple miscommunication in how I appeared or was represented to others spoken about, in the negative, not being close to me, but its in negative judgment of you, when you distance yourself from others, that you lose your confidences in life, everyone growing more in sync around you, feeling more and more left out, until you feel empty, what then are you made out of when you feel dizzy on meds, trying to lose weight, and grow a blog, maintain a steady tone, write articles, I applied to the US Navy 2009, don’t treat me as though I was not serious when willing to die for my Country, and serve, that’s how dedicated I am to doing the right thing would never hurt anyone, now as broken and with a record, its easily identifiable that I am the weaker candidate, input, or personality, look, or person, face features not as sharp, easily crumbling, no matter how positive I am, these are things you just don’t complain about, aging is a process, I believe that the body repairs itself and has time to heal, Im not here to generate concerns for me, and raise hopes, and then disappoint or make promises, or serve to die, that’s not the solution, dying is not the solution. Ive called the police several times, there is really nothing they can do for me, my record gets expunged 2020, Im not out of control, I may have lost it a few times, talking to myself, but Im under a lot of pressures time wise, to get a job and provide for myself, I have no trust account.
In order to run a successful campaign online and build a brand you have to first represent well what it is you seek to see in the world, that longevity you feel, is your long term potential, and based upon your long term potential will be deemed a desirable partnership in the future, just like marriage or any other business type dealing, who you represent, what you represent, and how you represent your cares in the world matters, and unless you seek to be a builder of change in the first place, don’t go on correcting others, in other professions about how they are partaking at showing care for others during times of need, some are less obvious than most.
My chosen cares: (1) Politics (2) Academics (3) Spirituality (4) Womens Health (5) Mental Health (6) Blogging (7) Public Figurines (8) Newspapers (9) Fitness, and (10) Love.
Politics: I started watching CSPAN 2013, every morning and night, after leaving law school it was a way for me to keep busy and to stay involved, I watched sometimes during law school there was a Facebook passwords controversy, about whether your employers can ask employees for their Facebook passwords. I watched a lot of speeches, sat through many hearings, and even flew to DC twice January 2013, and sat in court in session for 3.5 hours, to hear SCOTUS speak live! That was exciting. My first rock show, I had been reading their textbooks for 3 years, that was a treat. Of course while watching you become curious about Presidency and the road to Presidency, and how one filters themselves through the system, trains, and eventually stands out. Two stood out to me Rand and Rubio, but apparently politics does not work that way, by speeches given on CSPAN, as credited for having the know how and knowledge to run a Country, later working for a Real Estate Law Firm, Sports Law Firm, decided to Tweet, and met many people, even showed my picture once to Trump. -While living in Westwood, I drank, once after having a Margherita in Westwood, I was found passed out in front of my apartment building, the neighbors called my Mom from my Phone, all I remember was asking a guy standing by a car if he was an Uber and he said sure. I had a bruised knee and a busted chin, the lesson is not to relapse on cocaine at a a later point in time, after surviving an incident like that, and made to look worse, any later attachments with people made on the street only makes you look bad, I called the police once, after I thought three men were running at me, across the street sprinted to the gas station and remember talking to them there, I still didn’t have a ride home and hitched a ride home with someone who pulled up in the next street walking up the hill. It doesn’t matter how awake you are, you can still get hurt, another incident, while not intoxicated, looking for cocaine, I still found difficulty getting home, this was before Uber and Lyft, only cab stand was on Santa Monica Blvd, should’ve just walked and left.
Academics: As someone who graduated with departmental honors cum laude in Sociology, from University of Colorado, Boulder, it was not until college that I shined, earning a 3.8 at one point in my Major, and a 3.6 overall GPA, that was before trying cocaine for the first time, and drinking upon turning 21. I was a straight A student one semester, even with someone asking to see my paper and turning in the same exact paper as me, copied me, why he did that, who knows, thinking in a different session, the TA would not notice. I joined clubs, served as President of the Honor Society, and could’ve graduated early, had I not drank, and spent my last year retaking courses for course forgiveness to fix my GPA and took an extra semester Fall 2007 to write my Thesis, that’s were my passion for research and writing began. I was a crisis hotline counselor 2004, certified, and the primary reason I applied to law school was to be able to do more to help victims of violence, studying for the LSAT beginning 2006 when I took my first LSAT in Denver Colorado, I was 21 years old. The following January attended outpatient Rehab at Boulder Community Hospital, and got clean and sober, should’ve focused on my studies, although making friends is important, its hard to manage both, a social life, romantic life, and excel in school in order to get into graduate school, that lesson I learned the hard way.
Spirituality: I have been a very spiritual person for many years now, even attending a Shabbat service with my Father one Friday. They played the guitar. I used to see a Psychic growing up, who counseled me while in the early stages of my recovery, was sent to Arizona and Klamath Falls once to stay with her, flown in from Colorado. She warned me that if I wanted to get married not to sleep with too many men, and that if I continued to drink and do drugs would look like some of the patrons at the club attached to the bowling alley we were at missing teeth. That’s not how I wanted to look, why I continue to stay sober, sometimes I wonder that others having known your story or read it, make things happen for you again in life to mirror those times, as though yourve not learned your lessons, the only times we get lost generally disoriented and circle back, is when we have to retrace our steps in life, to figure out what has gone wrong, if something has gone wrong, until we acknowledge for ourselves what we have done that was wrong, and even upon acknowledging prior drinking or drug use, may still not be treated any differently then, as though more was expected of you, what when I was 21? (2006)
Women’s Health: In beginning my career being an advocate to primarily women, on the hotline, I was still in the process of learning and being exposed to the many issues faced by them. Mental health issues was not one that stood out to me, only a few calls were by women who could not stop talking beyond the 20 minute time limit, and needed to share and vent about what was troubling them, I always let them talk until they were ready to leave the conversation, rarely would I cut someone off, at the 20 minute mark, unless I was studying in the library or didn’t have the privacy or the time to listen, but most of the time, sober, I was always available to lend an ear, and listen, which was my job, to listen. Later in life I experienced issues myself, as having gone out and drank, and dated, and men escorting me home, experienced a different phase of life, separated from friends at the bar, I did not fair well on my own, nor at later points in time, when I was trying to undo what went wrong past, and not make them look bad now, if I was able to drink alone, and have no one take me home and do me, then not anyones fault. I don’t think that much benefit was given to me out drinking alone, for some reason an edge toward me was already brewing, as someone out alone, I have an Amex, theres not need for that type of energy toward me, I would have 2 drinks max always, maybe a shot, in control.
Mental Health: It wasn’t until my own experiences with mental health issues, that it became of issue to me, and to others around me, treating me as though Ive always been this way, no it happens, and then you change, and as a result of bipolar live life differently, not my fault. I was never a functioning addict. So to be treated as someone, who is a fraud, who was once well, and purposefully threw away their career, is not the case, my options became limited as a result of not having excelled in law school, and because I was not excelling had low self confidence and poor self esteem, and because I looked that way, was treated that way.
Blogging: Blogging became a way for me to speak whereas in private spaces complained about, as being too personally affecting, in an open space, the same discussions can be had, without the same degree of intensity, I could not anticipate having not have told my story before, once you are able to tell your story, it becomes easier in the delivery of information, emotionally sound, not in the moment upset, or still rattled, wondering what people are thinking or even worse become defensive, relapse, become suicidal, and then make yourself look like the wrong one. Its my body my choice, I think coupled with the opinions of others, things look worse than they were. And its often times we have to live with both sets of opinions, sit with it nonetheless. In a harmonious world, things like #slutwalk would be empowering, but in today’s world, you are responsible for your own health and should you get sick, would not want to be blamed as having made choices to keep going in life, sacrificing your good health, get tested.
Public Figurines: Why become a public figure, not to insult those existing, but in order to speak one must have some kind of a platform from which to speak from, and knowing from where I grew up that would not be an appropriate pair of shoes to put on, as spokesperson to or for on behalf of, better to situate myself separate, and from my own hardwork, choose to speak about my experiences, as unrelated to their own, and any false lights brought upon me along the way, correct moving forward as I have done so my whole life, by earning good time, studying and working. They seem to send you off in life as worse off before it gets that’s bad, don’t allow people to make you not believe in yourself, youre just an uncomfortable conversation to have, someone who was well, got sick, by who knows what, and now trying to get better. The more you can simplify the better when it comes to understanding the problems of others, not delve too deep into the issues, and take sides, or blow things out of proportion and create sides.
Newspapers: I don’t have a fascination with newspapers (yes you do!) -My Dad loves the news, and reads the paper everyday, yes I am privileged to have the newspapers delivered to my house daily my whole life, and see them in passing, you should really read more. Theyre very comforting to have around, Im sure Im a few months away from diving into the tribe and reading the paper everyday, if you liked CSPAN youll love us, theres no wait time, good point. I really like the pictures, I remember when NY Times went to color, I did my best to save as many papers as possible, that’s as much of a history buff as I am, CSPAN ran a show on a company that archives news clippings, and magazines, which is what I saved on my website and which was ruined, the photo of an offender from the CO Shooting was placed among, why did someone do that to my website? I see the common theme of wanting to prove an obsession with [criminals] or OJ someone famous for “crimes” and then through that obsession, learn or the derivatives of knowledge obtained as coming from or stemming from that base knowledge. My parents paid $30,000 a year for my college education, and $3,000/course for my law school education, there is no way shape or form, that I could ever be convinced of someones story, as taking hold of my course in life, or my outlook, which is based upon my education see, outlook.
Fitness: How you look is important, Ive always gone to the gym growing up, I was a club soccer player and worked out at the gym in high school. For some reason the only photos of me from soccer, where when I was obese, Im sure everyone had a field day, flaunting ugly photos of me around. Im not sure what that was about anyways. But it didn’t cast me in a positive light later in life, there were nice photos of me taken, but all my photos and messages from friends are gone, lost in the move or thrown away not by me, yearbooks destroyed, and my high school diploma was thrown away, and all my high school yearbooks gone, and photo albums. I got into running in college, listening to diamonds are forever by Kanye West, running in the indoor track in the snow, around the basketball courts, for 40 mins max, and was in the 140s never that thin, only in the 130s when I had a short cocaine addiction for 6 months in college. My friend had visited me and was worried about me. I was distraught after a breakup, made friends, and was told to try cocaine, I was not in the mood for it, and quickly became addicted, I already was prescribed adderrall so a high functioning person, didn’t need a boost, I just turned 21, drinking and getting into the bars, was a lot of excitement already for me including out with friends.
Love: Love has been a big part of my journey, through losses, addiction, failures especially, Im never alone and always have a boyfriend, unless I choose to be alone, out of protest to correct my image or fix my image, but I think that only made things look worse, and made me look like a Lesbian version of Jonah Hill from the movie Wolf of Wallstreet, sometimes I think the rumor mill, takes things too far out of context, that’s not self love, to pleasure oneself, that’s out of the fact that one cannot experience love with other, a bond lacking, due to some unforeseen embarrassment about them, that the one who loves them cannot explain to them, at what point does your life not become a joke, I don’t think its necessary to be taken seriously in life, but know your course, and allow others to treat you as they wish, we don’t need red carpets in order to feel appreciated or valued in life, just by working hard and when people leave you alone and are happy for you, that is love, when people want to be around you, share time with you, and share idle time with you doing nothing, I used to think cuddling was amazing, but more recently, sitting outside staring up into the sky, and talking for an hour was really fun!
The bottom line is that you have to have some stencil of what you are about, and what you plan to deliver to your audience, and being who you are, and based on where you have been in life, a credible source for providing input or insight into that type of life, that journey, what it looks like, and how it feels, and how to get out of those phases in life and go back to normal, that’s the gift you have as someone who is well who had the privilege of being treated professionally most don’t have access to medical care, and some just stop on their own without the therapy. It just looks bad, with a super long medical history, but I promise it looks worse than it was. However because it looked bad, was treated as bad, to see if things got worse, that’s when you should not let what others think affect you, and if people are thinking negatively of you or if there is negative energy out, not to drink in those types of places and leave, only stay where you feel welcome, where you are not bothered, and where you fit in, stay in your age group. And if there is question as to your conduct, date older, NOT younger, and until your record is cleared (March 2020) keep applying for jobs, until you find one, and not be a burden to others.
How and when do they start? Usually when we are not happy with ourselves, do we see our everything in another, and through that vision make others feel uncomfortable. You have to learn how to play things by ear, and allow things to happen on their own good timing, not just when you think the timing is right. Give people an opportunity to accept you or reject you, not all wish to be romantically involved with others, especially not in a public light. Yes I do think I have grown an unhealthy attachment to Ari Emanuel, after talking to him on messenger, and dishing to him about life, my dreams, and where I would like to be in life, am starting to believe again in the possibilities for me in life, whether or not that includes him, I think that would be a stretch. Its not just anti-gun violence we have in common, I have long been an advocate and member of Brady as a blogger, and promote their work from time to time on my blogs, the progress they have made and if they’ve ever needed support, where to call in. I think its important to be apart of your community. So what is it that you guys have in common? A TV Show was made about him, and I think that a show was about me, that was later cancelled. That would have to mean that I was famous in law school and that it was publicly acceptable to make fun of me in public for being a law student, while my best friend’s Dad was in jail. Being made fun of publicly is a very difficult position to overcome, especially when its not deserved, I had a perfect record, and was 3rd in my class doing well, who you are in private romantically is really none of anyones business how often you date, or whether you date at all, and especially not deserved if with a long term boyfriend. You may wonder, but never let that get the best of you. Once you enter the public sphere as where I am now, you have somewhat control over how your image or likeness gets used, and can control how you look and appear to others. That’s one of the reasons I started blogging, call it a bipolar delusion, but its nothing I haven’t talked to the courts about expressing my concerns to them. Youre either on board and apart of this country, and allow things to happen to your image without saying anything, and eventually once you put your foot down and start asking questions, that’s when you become the problem. They seem to have a nack at situating people in that way, make everything about someone, or make everything about something, or make everything about themselves. If youre not included its probably better not to be mixed in with the rich and successful, image wise, as theres not comparison, especially if you have not achieved success on your own first be too concerned with how and why others behave the way they do, or what has been expressed by them, whether or not it be of or concerning you. Youre usually last to find out when something is about you, that’s you cannot control, what you can control, is how your present yourself in spite of things being about you or not, and be welcomed to the world or not, as normal. So long as you do not complain too much or become inappropriately prosecutorial toward others, theres no reason why you should not be allowed to wonder. Ive never thought that anything was about me, only now, cautious about it. Its not until you become someone or something of value that you begin to be more cautious about how your intellectual property is managed, and what is being done with the intelligences you have provided to others, sometimes that is not in your control, what others do with your working knowledge on these subjects, or what windows open up to them knowledge wise, and doors shut for your opportunity wise later on in life.
Sometimes things don’t always work out in your favor, a joke, a comment, a thought, an idea, or any input you provide in shorthand, generally not sitting well with anyone who doesn’t like you or who has grown accustomed to distrust you or to not empathize with you, seeing you as a weaker species of human as compared to them, I would tell them all people deserve compassion, and no matter how far people have fallen in life, and for whatever reasons they suffer no one deserves to die, not because of bullying and certainly not because of what other people think, be put in harms way, as labeled “mentally ill.” I don’t think that I deserve to have been labeled I am educated, and only after having been labeled started hitting my head, for what reason my likes were removed from my website is besides the point, Im not a threat of harm to the wellness of others, it is others threatening my good health, and intruding upon my ability to stay well, violating my right to privacy. I live a very public life, and nowhere in private am I any different than I am in public, its only people needing to see more of, someone, or needing to know more about someone is why they are pried into, that information is between me and the police, who I frequently call, and not for dispute or the discretion of the general public to decipher as to the causes for my beliefs or interpretations, that’s none of anyones business, how I survive, how I build trust, and how I managed to build a great foundation online of trust and stability in thought during tumultuous times, which has not been easy to do. Its not easy to gather a crowd, and its not easy to build a following, that keeps returning to continues to read daily, no matter what your days looks like, whether you are feeling strong and able, or experiencing disability and severe hardship in life, that’s the type of continuity of care, I have been able to provide to my following, and likewise the compassion that they have been able to show for me, and unconditional rapport built online, can manifest itself into positives around us, throughout their lives, as they are able to help others struggling maintain positive thinking. Its not easy transitioning from school to work, or from alcoholism to sobriety, or from addiction, to cessation, but overtime, over the years, you grow, and with that growth mature, sometimes there will be slip ups, we hope not, not everyone finds success in AA, I have not at most 6 month or a year. Just stay faithful to any set of principles, that bring you justice in life and keep you moving forward, and if that manifests itself in hatred toward me, so be it, if you think it justified to hate someone with mental health issues, as being the source of your own mental health issues, than you are sorely mistaken, as me in need of help, and in trying to get help, wrongfully accuse me of making any caretakers sick by my issues in life, than why worsen my set of conditions, already living separate, and force me to move home, to care for two cancer patients, with a record, and now a poor reputation, unable to get a job, how do you think I feel pressed for time, my Father has not been well, and my Mother has Cancer and need to work for her, I just wanted to finish law school and get a job, instead I got sued trying to build a blog. -Look forward to playing Studio City with my Dad! On a positive note.
Where does beauty lie? I used to think that we worked like candle sticks, lighting up. That if we are supposed to be good inside out, then what lights up when we light up, are our positive characteristics and traits that allow some of us to shine, and some of us to miss the mark, depending on where we are at mental health wise. I do think that mental health issues affect your overall beauty, some like to think that they can get away with anything, but eventually it all adds up, how you speak, how you behave, what your intake is, whether you drink or smoke, and how positively you speak of others, all of these things reflect in the positive or the negative upon you and determine the scales of your beauty. I’ve never been the prettiest, and have always struggled with my weight, soccer injuries, medications, hand injuries, you name it, there always seems to be something getting in the way of my health preventing me from maintaining a healthy weight, and going back to old habits and gaining the weight back. You really have to stay positive in spite of setbacks, and you certainly cant allow what others to think to interfere with your good health. It just so happens that Im dating someone from Croatia, a Biochemical Engineer with a PhD, who drives an M3 and a Porsche, my first fancy boyfriend, and Im overweight. Who would’ve thought that someone like him would like someone like me, or think that Im pretty. If so personality must be a big factor contributing to who is considered beautiful, not always the prettiest girls, get the most attentions in life, sometimes its in how well we carry ourselves, that we are able to climb into social circles in life and succeed, not just by who we know, but by how we are and how we make others feel around us, that’s a gift in life, wellness, to make others feel good around you, is usually who we surround ourselves by. Never be too hard on yourself, I used to think that unless I was thin would I be able to date, and unless I was pretty would I be able to model, but boy have things changed, acceptance wise. Today even if youre plus size you can model, and even if youre not the prettiest you can date, look at me. I may not be the most put together blogger online with a fancy website, and model photos, but Im sure able to manage a monthly following of 8.3k viewers, and ranked 37, 818 in the US. That took a lot of hard work, bettering myself, until I became someone I was again proud of, I think that was the purpose for blogging, building a better me, not necessarily a bigger version of me online to present to the world. I suppose it happens through being an author you achieve fame, or through modeling professionally you become a recognized face, Im not yet at that point in my career, still writing and allowing my new audience to get to know me, as of this year grew. There were many people Im sure who knew me from high school, but that wasn’t my target audience ever, rarely posting to Facebook links to my blog, in the beginning though they were there for me. It kind of gets to the point where you don’t want to bother people, when you have something to say, or even share a photo, feel like youre bothering people, its best always to leave things up to the choice and control of your audience how well they want to get to know you, and on what basis, personally or professionally, I try to provide a little bit of both. As my following has changed so have the voices, I get voices, and so have my selfies, my face has sharpened up, Im not sure whether that’s the new makeup I have invested in, probably. And also thanks to messenger, Ive been able to take selfies Im proud of, with their filters, prior to which I just took photos on my phone or on my computer. It takes awhile to get to know yourself, and what makes one beautiful or stand out from the rest, unique, still working on it.
Ive been without meds for 5 days now, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to write without medication, what could go wrong. I recently switched back to Adderrall and then relapsed on 5 beers at the bar, that was not my shining moment, and have since not been prescribed any day meds. Waiting to hear back from my previous doctor and made an appointment to see a new doctor. The reason for this change was that it cost $250 every time I see my Psychiatrist, which my parents cannot afford -need to start working soon. Just doing my best to stay positive, have been in bed resting, but miss writing, and working on my dissertation. Ive gotten so used to functioning only on meds that I forget what its like to work without medication. I guess I’ll be going back on Vyvanse and Abilify if Im lucky, I haven’t been the most stable since switching meds. Usually when things start going haywire the police are first to know, I start to call them frequently for talk therapy, my current therapist is out sick for the moment. Just be patient, when switching doctors, and do your best not to end up like me, “left out in the cold when it comes to finding a new provider to meet your needs.”  Note that “Mutual trust and respect are very important between a doctor and patient.”  Its taken awhile to build trust with my doctors, especially to prescribe me any stimulants, given my history with addiction, it would be an unfortunate loss, to have to find a new doctor at this point, but I simply cannot afford to continue seeing my current Physician and the new doctor was only a DO and not equipped to manage my mental health issues, and could not prescribe me Abilify. Just laying low at the moment, thank you for your patience, look forward to my next post!
There will hopefully come a time in your life when you wake up and everything makes sense, occurring while reading, and while writing from your own life, whats troubling you. Its when we are too hard on ourselves our outlooks change, and dispositions in life change, turning into the friend in need instead of the friend who advises, and turning into the person corrected instead of the one observing the behavior of others, how quickly that changes, when you do not stay on track. Lifes not just about luck, I love how they blame cancer diagnosis as “having bad luck” (sarcasm) to me that’s not bad luck, that’s illness, that’s powerlessness, and that’s suffering beyond your control, which is not always our fault. Boy has modern medicine changed, what used to be kept private, are now stories to be told, to empower, but there is a price to be paid, unless you can stay well does your story benefit others. We all struggle with mental health issues from time to time, but lets not overgeneralize things, as though we all suffer from the same ailments in life, and subject to dying just as others have due to drugs and alcohol, no one wants to be that person categorized as a risk to care for, on their way out, we all do our best to be successful, and whether or not we can weather these storms, that’s not in our power always, to care or not to care, and sometimes in caring we get hurt, that’s normal. What to do when things don’t make sense, jenniferhadley.com suggests “… when confronted with challenging situations and circumstances that are non-sensical, we must turn to faith in Spirit and a willingness to KNOW that we are loved and being cared for, even when it doesn’t feel like it.”  To me this means doing ones best to stay well in spite of the sufferings of others, it would be wrong in those cases to further ones problems in life, or go backwards, and not move forwards, sometimes you are called upon in life to be a support system, especially if you are not one directly affected by the problems of others more able than most, and with that power, a gift is given to you to care, and to show that care in ways, that benefit both you and others. We can’t always be that person, sometimes when directly affected, this inhibits our best decision making, working from feelings from within, rather than from feelings of compassion for others, thinking more about ourselves, our health, and in the defensive not helping to provide solution to the problems as faced by others, as the person who has come out of illness, and able to share their journey and path to recovery and what has worked for them. Just stay steady. You are but one person in the grander scheme of things, unless you want to be a powerful influence in society, then that can only happen unless you are well, I know this given my standing as a public speaker, until able to communicate to the times in a way that’s relevant, and doesn’t just apply to me, or my own viewpoints, are others able to read and comprehend, without feeling the same or similar discomforts that I have achieved in life, trying to make my way in life. Building a website was my way of building a place, that I could go back to and perfect, similarly we work in that way, bettering ourselves everyday until presentable, theres really no excuse for what people think of you, if in the negative just ignore them and always do your best. They say that people problems with you are a manifestation of their own lack of wellness, and if you so fail to provide a positive voice of reason to them during turmoil, than so be it, you are clearly then not a source of empowerment to them, but seen as someone who threatens their wellness, as someone who has bipolar, has overcome illness, and is now doing well and well liked. For what reasons am I well liked? I am (1) approachable (2) likeable (3) relatable (4) well kept (5) presentable (6) detail oriented (7) hardworking (8) never gives up (9) shares from where I am, not pretending to be something that I am not. You cannot lie about your condition, especially as a writer, everything shows, and gets read into, you can only improve, and as your condition improves, you will notice that your writing improves also, why I enjoy writing. -Always do your best therefore not to be influenced by the lack of wellness of another lose faith in society as a whole, and do your job to continue to be a good critical thinker accepting and rejecting theories about life, based upon what works for you. No ones ideas in life can influence you in the negative health wise, bipolar is not contagious, mind you.
Sometimes people get so busy with their own lives, that they don’t have time to stop and reply, in the grand scheme of things, you can only put yourself out there so many times, to make a good first impression, before you are responded to, sometimes we are ready to take on new opportunities in life, and sometimes, we have more room to grow before we are able to take on certain responsibilities in life. Its all a matter of experience, and time, continue to grow and mature and spread your wings, it never hurts to try, its okay to send requests, inquiries, emails, and make those initial contacts, from a business perspective, when the time is right and you are doing well you will know it, partnerships will go through, applications accepted, and as your numbers go up, don’t stop continuing to branch out, and connect with others, you never know who you’ll meet along the way. Its when you have yet to blossom, that things don’t happen for you in life, either youre not ready mentally, or others do not see you as fit yet to be a representative of their best interests, that’s business, its all about representation. Always do your best to be presentable, online and in real life. Don’t exhaust your resources in life, you can always come back to things when youre ready, sometimes its better to wait and be prepared, than to subject yourself to too many rejections early on, and fill your plate, before you yourself are ready to meet the challenges that await, if you are not yet able to perform, and keep up with a daily schedule, than applying for jobs, that would require you to meet the demands of the day, might seem like a far stretch, don’t just apply to apply, apply when youre ready. Taking things personally, can be a sign of low self-esteem, as one blogger explains moneyhabitmuse.com, “Which means you always long for others’ approvals of everything you do and say.”  However, to be successful online blogging, you can’t always wait for the perfect time to share, meaning you may not be exactly where you want to be in life, but that doesn’t mean don’t write, or that you don’t have something valuable to say, or some valuable input or insight, that could be helpful to someone else, trying to get discovered or find themselves. I have been blogging for years, and just this year started earning 300-400 likes per post, have 7.6k monthly viewers on Pinterest, A Top 100 Personal Development Blogger on Feedspot, and Ranked 38,674 on Alexa, that’s a big deal to me to be up 803k in traffic and 212,029 in the world, Im not sure where Im headed in life, that’s the funny part, job wise and career wise, but I know that I love to write, want to continue working on my books, and graduate from law school. I think what makes me an attractive blogger is that I have been through a lot, and that in spite of my mental health issues, have battled through my worst days and come out normal. That’s not to say, that I don’t get sick every now and then, especially if I do not keep up with a schedule or stay task oriented and manage my symptoms, I can easily go haywire. I think at the time, more privacy has been helping, less daily tweeting, and longer posts regarding my thoughts. In addition, I have a pen pal I check in with daily, a therapist I see weekly, and a psychiatrist/general practitioner I see now monthly. I guess Im pretty high maintenance. I used to be very independent, lived alone 2004-2017, a good student, and always had a job, but ever since I got bipolar, and my relationships have not been working out, I have gone in and out of depression, which is why I started blogging, decided to put my heart into something that wont leave me, something that can grow, and something I can get better at and that can stay with me, something to check on, something to keep track of, and something to build, why I blog.
For the most part, I am doing better in life, when I try to be social, its mostly reading into things too much which has not happened for awhile, whereas the old me would assume is about me, and take offense, and leave space, Im sure that the issues faced by others, are about them especially if I do not know them, you can only take responsibility for so much, especially not the health of others who you are not close with, nor share any intimacies with, maybe its best to stay home, never try past the point of rejection to be friends with others, that’s the main lesson, you only get one try at getting along with others, life is short, most do not have the patience to accept people into their lives who they do not trust as being sober or with enough time to be considered a worthwhile share or input, I got sober 2003, stopped smoking weed, and do not drink, I only drank alcohol 2006 and 2013, but Im not sure whether that’s an important credential, or makes a difference what is wrong is wrong, it doesn’t matter how much experience you have as being well, once you get sick, it’s a matter of getting well and staying well, who thinks what should make no difference, always be compassionate and patient, if you think too much about what could happen in the negative, low and behold things will work out for you in that way, as a manifestation of how you feel about yourself and based upon what you assume others think of you, not perform to your best, Im not sure whether that’s a believed karma deserved, or whether that’s naturally occurring, whether there are people and characters who they wish to categorize you as, and situate you until broken to see how you respond for the better or for worse, I don’t think its very nice to be made an experiment of, I would never do that to others, team up on one person as stupid. That’s not a fair assessment, of my cares, or what work I have accomplished thus far in my career, sure I wish there were fewer incidences in which others are harmed, but it does not need to be mentioned to get others to stop eachother from harming one another, that’s a social issues per state, not necessary to share social standings within a state, as cornerstones for issues to be read by the masses and make determinations from, as references when interpreting people within their states or around them, each state is different, the Country is a big place, and so is the World and life itself, not meant to be about people, a single persons story affecting the treatment of others, as though each builds from connections to, I think being unique is what makes people stand out, not what makes them like, and I think its by getting along well with others, that one feels complete, and its by working hard one achieves, and earns paychecks. These are all basic life skills to have, a desire to live on schedule, wake up work stay motivated, loss of motivation occurs when stopped in your tracks, called out on something past in error, or correcting you when no corrections need be made. I think its okay to have friends, unfortunately I think its better for me to not come out of this, and just work for the LAPD, and work on establishing more trust, and accountability before reintegrating and becoming a burden upon others, as though I still need fixing, I really need to be independent in order to feel safe, I don’t need help from anyone, I keep to myself, look at the ground, a quiet person, there is a reason for that, because its upon acknowledgment or responding you get hurt, for me its better to not have any conversations with anyone, I was a very nice person as a result I look stupid, and because I drank and got mad at myself, and relapsed on cocaine got suicidal, that’s not my fault, I was an excellent girlfriend and friend. Not anyones fault.
When your feelings are hurt, its easy to misread things as about you, or contributing to sources of illness around you, pointing out whats going wrong is not the solution to bettering your perspective and the wellness of others around you, some things are better left unsaid. Not that these points are important points of discussion as it relates to the issues faced by others, its not always necessary to state, and as coming from you, be voiced, sometimes it is your place to lead discussions about, and sometimes its not your place given your standing appropriate, to provide a voice of reason, especially not in the defensive, that just opens another can of worms, in terms of the degree of sensitivity you are able to provide upon addressing subjects and then read into as whether having suffered or shown signs of remorse, as though you have been wrong or been wronged in the past, accusatory toward others, or pointing blames, as playing victim, based upon your current condition. Its not an easy subject, breakups, and its not an easy topic rejections, and theres no easy solution to understanding who how and why anyone to a transaction looks bad, or ends up worse off, and why as though thought deserved at the time, they were approached, and coerced into sharing intimate time with. Not all end up better off in life having known people, and some people wish they would have lived life without having ever known a person, that’s the purpose for suit, to justify that silence and attribute it to something now identifiable defective in a person, labeling them an “unwanted connection.” It just so happens that in anticipation of your recovery, or road to wellness, as others watching or overlooking your progress, not knowing you as well, and based upon what they hear, and given your record, pre-determine whether you deserve to move forward in life, and establish new relationships or friendships, which is the phase I am in right now, and which will continue to be determined in February, upon graduating, while looking for job placement and acceptance. Im not sure, and just because I am talking about what I think is happening, doesn’t mean that it is happening, and just because I feel like I look bad, doesn’t mean that everyone thinks the same or are in discussions about me, as to what is defective or wrong with me, to justify additional hardships or suffering in life, as though to serve as retribution to those who have passed through my life, and been affected by having known me, as though my condition doesn’t directly affect me already, and assuming they care or cared and as attached affected. Obviously if you have known someone, and been close to them, it hurts to see them not well, that’s not my intent when not well to cause harm to anyone who cares about me, that’s not in my control, the meds I get put on, and how intelligent or articulate I am able to be at that point in my life, and manage my thoughts and condition, you may never have the same life you once led as having been a private person, once you go public, and that’s something you realize after you decide to participate online and write, its not of the same consequence to everyone, but if you are attached to someone like OJ, and grew up best friends with their Daughter, then yes, proving that you are the disappointment, relinquishes them from any blame upon further separation as having anything to do with your current suffering or suicide attempt previously. That’s really no one else's business to further negative interpretations of me, as not meaning well, or not doing my best to warn or explain to others, that their actions or behaviors or words are hurting my feelings, people who hurt your feelings, generally are concerned with themselves, and probably now as learned do not intend to insult you or put you down as less than by being nicer to who you are with, as compared to how accepting they are upon talking to you individually. That’s based upon knowing you, thinking or assuming that that is the cause for separations, or for you leaving relationships, and testing to see if something past, results in the same set of conditions again, presently, as dating someone, being ignored, and to see how you respond if another hits on someone you like, with you present, and upon viewing the mental health issues that arise, determine whether you are a threat to anyones health, and whether expressed anger online was directed toward anyone specifically, I posted flyers everywhere, I am kind enough to inform people thinking they were my friends, as though they would care, and how Im feeling based upon interactions experienced, it was me that contracted carcinoma cancer and was dying on risperidone in bed all day sleeping, obviously with a cocaine relapse initiated by my then boyfriend, I became worse, and as worse, not seen as a victim, to being approached by strangers in the street, or found passed out in front of my building, after one margarita, with a busted chin, and bruised knee, a call made to my mom from my phone. (Theres something about her I dont like: Shes on meds, I don't drink, I have bipolar, I got suicidal by rumor that I am then suddenly sick everytime my numbers are up and my Facebook account accessed by many phones, drains me, why not to tell people if you have cancer as that just speeds up the process of illness kicking in, the goal is to live life, not put people on lists on whos going or staying, treat them differently or others as disappointment, the best way to keep people alive and well around you, is to stay well and be active and get jobs is what Ive learned not by hitting my head, when Im not living life in my room, nothing around me feels safe, and everything feels off, and the more easily I get put down in life as small or immature, or not confident, this year I worked on confidence, thats for work, not for purposes of intimidating others with my wellness, and then treated as though I show no remorse or not a victim, dont feel sorry for people who F up in life, thats the label that was put on me, so that even if I was raped or attacked in the street, no one will know, no one will care, and everyone will seem justified, and look victim to me as separate from me, whether it be a bar or an ex-boyfriend, thats their choice to not like you, and as said out loud only makes you look worse, or makes others feel better, thats not whats causing me suicide others who feel better at my expense or hardship thought deserved, people achieve wellness in different ways, the goal is to live, irrespective of what others think of me, and if they have a problem with me, they can take it to court, I cant afford medical care or an attorney, to be honest I would rather write about something else, than one bad connection turning all connections bad in life, as addressing all in response to the consequences of one failed connection in life), I dont threaten others, Ive been hurt, why I look funny, and others have contributed to making me look funny, my head is small misshaped now, and body huge 190lbs, thats not my fault, face flat or shapely, if I get voices I call the police, its not necessary for me to go to AA meetings, Im not there for political purposes, or to feel apart of, I have a blog, a home, and can get a job on my own, its not necessary to go anywhere for help, as that just burdens others who dont feel compelled to care about anyone who has caused harm to themselves [removed - graphic story about self-harm, spoke to the police].
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