You cant really stop people from relating things to you, or combining negatives to negate your innocence, as connected to bad incidences or incidences in which others were harmed. That’s the repercussion of getting sued, being put on the losing team in life, and as a result of being put on the defensive or losing team, it becomes a slippery slope, of others playing hardball with you, attacking your character or ability to speak to what cannot be spoken about but what can be felt, and upon viewing you, as assembled from their viewpoint, have the ability to dictate what direction thoughts about you, become, toward the positive or viewed upon under a negative light, that’s to bring one to a point of frustration, as sided against, without an ability to communicate yet, or not having understood the communications about yet, as seeing the big picture of what others are trying to represent, by their outward representations of their facades or the changing of their facades, like changes to facades are made by real estate developers following an incident of homicide to a property, this I saw on the news, back when Mitt Romney was running for president, I was living in Santa Monica at the time, and recorded the Tivo’d episode from a local news channel. -Rocks were added to the façade of my meeting, which is now closed to most, you have to be on time to attend. I’m not sure whether that has anything to do with the fact that I volunteered for Moms Demand or know the President of Brady Campaign LA and have attended a meeting, or whether that change has anything to do with the fact that I was a speaker at that meeting prior to being hospitalized twice, whether my attendance has anything to do with the story of that meeting or whether my identity being present had an adverse affect on the meetings identity, that would be an assumption, so would the fact that I attended CU Boulder, a school that was found responsible for one of the first incidences of gun violence in a movie theater in Aurora, a photo of the defendant was inserted onto my magazine page of my website without me knowing it, Im assuming that it by someone who thinks I got involved in gun violence prevention work, because I was directly affected, yes I was somewhat affected, I flew to DC twice for $2000, whether that’s an obvious assumption on behalf of others, why I attended a US Supreme Court hearing and what was discussed in my notebook, while hearing arguments from them, and their participants, is not intended to be used as a negative toward me, but should be viewed upon in the positive, as exposing myself to others, so from their good vantage point, maybe view a larger picture, not yet with an ability or capacity to understand, why later drawing them, was viewed upon with insult re: Justice Roberts or Filmmakers, possessive over their identity, as not wanting to be held responsible for a poster, I purchased on Pearl Street, on canvas, the Artist later passed away from France, as me buying an image of someone snapping, as trying to be related to the movie Legally Blonde, and as added justification for attending Law School, as a means to defend or attack the positions of others, as to whos influences should be held responsible for subsequent acts, which is of discussion now, but was not then, as an undergrad and at age 20 studying for the LSAT 2006, I took 4 prep courses, and took the LSAT 3 times before attending Law School, just to get a 152 on the LSAT and get into Law School, I had wanted to attend prior to OJ going to jail, and before being hospitalized 8 times for bipolar, which was later diagnosed, February 2009, prior to attending Law School, I had swallowed a bottle of Kolonopin, not a self-harmer at that time, but was alcoholic drinking with my then boyfriend, who I later separated from, after a year of being separated from him, given alone time, to fix myself, declining a game of golf, once I had started Law School, was third in my class to begin, getting As on exams. -If you have an idea or a solution, share it, and especially with the Nobel Prize committee, and if you feel like your experiences have given you knowledge, which you feel gives you the power to understand how when you feel a certain way others may feel the same way, then get help from whatever organizations you deem fit to respond to crises when it arises, that’s the shame that accompanies being a patient, and at the same time, once being an advocate to those struggling with mental health issues, following assault, and or feeling suicidal, I was once able to be there for others, but after suffering my own bouts with mental health issues, have decided to become a blogger instead or pursuing a career in the legal field, which is very challenging, but would have given me the opportunity to help one person at a time, which is more beneficial in the long run, than trying to help a group of people as a blogger, its more controversial, in this way, than as under the direction of an Attorney, who can review your work and provide you with feedback, that is a privilege I do not currently have the benefit of benefitting from, only through continued education, am able to better realize how to help others, and what issues, are perplexing others, as to why I am blogging, or went to Law School, it was because I could not get a job, 2008, applied everywhere, it was my dream to work in Century City one day, a dream that later came true, driving a 4 door silver Porsche down Ave of the Stars, past Petrocelli’s building, which had my Boss’s Company’s name atop it. I was his Intern. -I think one has the right to continue their education to get a job, I don’t however think its okay for others to investigate why I did not get the job at the City Attorneys Office, after complaining about a Paralegal who scratched his leg, in front of me, while sitting in a cubicle with me, he was on meds at the time, taking his son to Lego Land, and answering calls from me from the bathroom, he handed me my Supervising Attorney’s cell phone number prior to being hospitalized, who moved offices by my cubicle, and used to put his feet crossed on his desk, the office plant stayed, after attending a promotion lunch, the Attorney who was seated in that office, and a painting added above his desk to his back, something simple Japanese art, too small for the wall. He told me “maybe you can run for President one day” after reading my personal statement, he did run for President, Barack Obama, I think I applied to his Law School. Always have an open perspective in life, and never allow your frustrations to boil you down, to fixed points of interests or beliefs about the hows and whys of life, sitting in my room, helicopters above, and people moshing through our neighborhood, and through my driveway, I think a green fence will do, everyone had fancy gates, maybe the gates were a simple solution, to keeping others off the property in the event any more crowds came bursting through the neighborhood. Its not easy coming forward, not to one, and especially not to all, and share your story, but if it does help Im glad, and if not, do not blame those you are pansickenly detailed when trying to get help, it just may have been them that helped others, not get the ball rolling per se, but to help prevent the onset of mental health issues, once suffered as a result of studying the deficits of others, which is evident, when there is social unrest, and a few groups from within are unaffected, such as the children of a case, and when later social unrest occurs, become the influencers, or voices of reason, once they are able to have a voice, share.
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You’ll face a lot of unwanted emotions in life, mostly unhappy feelings toward yourself or others, you feel in competition with, don’t get jealous, don’t even worry about how you look in comparison to those who are more successful to you, just do your best. Establish yourself. If you want the world to be your oyster, and you want to reach your highest potential, don’t start by comparing your best work with the best work of others, youre bound to not feel good enough, and have even more trouble finishing that project you’ve been putting off for months if not years, and failing to complete the steps necessary to move forward in life. Its hard at times to maintain pace in life, some days questioning yourself whether you can keep going, remind yourself that each day is a new day to begin again, and learn to put the day down, you cant accomplish anything tired, that can be better accomplished with a sound mind. Coffee doesn’t always do the trick, and if youre on meds, and coffee doesn’t work anymore, and neither do the meds, then youre really in trouble. -I tried stopping day meds for 2 weeks, and the results have really shown, I feel like Ive gotten back to my old self, going on long runs, even sat at the DMV today for 2 hours, without getting any jitters or feeling tired. It seems like time is going by miraculously, without flinching just a bit, or feeling like I need more meds, to stay awake or to keep going in life. Self-harm takes time to overcome, those feelings of worthlessness, or feeling not good enough, you have to stay productive, and value yourself, if you want to get your life back on track. Success does not come easy to most, and well if you find yourself contemplating life too much, you can always call the police, they always seem to know what to do. -Its always an embarrassing feeling when you need help, and cannot solve a problem on your own, as an adult, the more independent you are, the more successful you become, but it comes at its costs, spending less time with friends, and worse yet family, can really do damage to your sense of normalcy in the long run. Losing friends along the way is not easy, and if you miss them check in, even if youre not at your best, Im sure theyd be glad to hear from you, even if they don’t reply, sometimes its difficult to talk to someone going through a difficult time, you cannot always rely on friends, to be there for you or to empathize with you, thinking its just addiction, or that youre suicidal because you’ve failed in life, and are a lost cause #stopsuicide [1]. Don’t be the “dead” friend, don’t be the “rehab” friend, and don’t be the “weird” friend. Keeping going in life! -I just started an IOP Program at UCLA, for 6 weeks 3x/week, for self-harm, I never thought Id be one of those bloggers with their wrists cut, but it happens, in my case other things … fess up to whats not working for you in life, and do your best to live a better life, the sooner you get help the better you will feel, and if you can just rest for 2 weeks, like I have under the care of medical professionals, then you can add that many more days/weeks/years to your life, its worth asking for help, don’t try to doctor yourself, not with meds or substances or alcohol, the only person you are hurting is yourself, don’t make your life worse than it already is, and make more time for yourself, appreciating what you do have in life, rather than think about what life you could have lived, had you gotten married, or finished law school etc. There are so many ways to live life, that aren’t built by professions, create a life you are proud of, any life. -One reason I started blogging and writing a book. So long as its coming from a good place, share, overcome your troubles, one step at a time, lifes not a race, take your time, recovery is a process! You can do it!
Reference: [1] suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ I grew up in a period where there was a huge disparity between the rich and the poor, when we went from Horse to Ferrari in 100 years flat. Knowing this about me, my insights do help, but that doesn’t mean because I learned by spiral notebooks, flashcards, and outlines, that I know any better about how to get smart and stay smart in spite of the times. We all have to achieve in life, and mental health issues are something that affects us all, but we don’t have to draw attentions to our weaknesses in life, be identified as a State, or as a people, as by our representatives in life not well, that’s the whole point of a Country leading itself, when you no longer feel free in spite of the ideas or mentions shared by others, there will always be a parting of ways, that’s to protect whats in your own best interests as well as the best interests of those to whom youre affected by. The Olympics are coming to town soon … I believe, why they rebuilt our Cities in preparation for the crowd, which showed up 8 years early. I suppose we should bike and run for them, Im not sure what to do, just be normal as watched. Its not a fun feeling, but you should be proud of where you come from in life, whether you agree with them overdeveloping Marina Del Rey or not, who is to judge real estate investors and city planners for the job that they do, they know best, how to prepare for a following. Its by wellness we share spaces in life, and by energies we understand eachother, and some are just plain nervous about change or about being exposed to others, thats a small town mentality, to not go with the flow, embrace change, skeptical to the words and actions of others, lifes not meant to be worked and reworked until perfect, you live each day as the day is given to you, and from there you move forward minute to minute hour to hour, by your own paces in life, and when things feel right you go in life, the day moving by naturally, without even a blink, those are the best days. Not all of us are privileged to be given assignments in life, that’s to do with time, having a routine, and by practicing those routines in life, feel good, just like you feel better after cleaning up, same idea, hygiene is so important to your health and to the mental health of others, to look sharp, we wont all age the same, and we wont always look our best, its as you are compared to in a room full or people, or a room full of pictures that you either blend in or stand out, that’s a gift in life presence, that’s called wellness, to be casted out as someone who does not care about their health, well that’s for history to judge as by looking at one years worth of photos not well. Because we are connected to time, its important not to be co-dependent on others, affected by their sense of time in life, thats what time is about, your best timing, may not always be in tune with the needs of others, thats instinct, and sometimes, when our timing is off we are to blame as directing others, and sometimes as attached, hurt one another as to finding their own best timing, thats what work is about, whos leading who as to time, and time well spent.
Some people the best way out of a bind, is to stay motivated by secrets, that’s their business savvy, being in tune with others in a way, while making money, that speaks in volumes to others, that is making other people feel safe having known them, and provides clear thinking strategies for wellness, that’s in doing business with them. We are not all privileged to get paid for the work that we do, but we would hope not just on good merits alone, that people would report to higher authorities, when in need of help. You are who you are associated to. Not to bring light to individuals, who have historically not been well liked by society, cause unnecessary hardships to those who while raised under those lights experienced no side effects of those lights in life, that’s how to not be affected by the arguments ensuing around you, and to hold steady in the face of fears about who is being exposed in the limelight, and as to what secrets about, others feel that they are not benefiting from the successes of others. As though everyones best interests in money is somehow more important than the overall health and well being of those who are not doing well, keeping people further down in life, to enable success for others, is not how to stop someone who is well from intimidating those who are not well, there will always be hierarchies when it comes to intelligences and wellness, and by the more people they can convince that someone is not well, its not until someone is not well do people realize when to stop. Life happens daily, that is you wake up and you go to bed each day, motivated to start a project or continue on with a project the next day, this abrasiveness over control over outlooks in life, has got me giving up by 5pm each day, and that’s totally inappropriate to hurt someones image and change their outlook in life or life expectancy for that matter, everyone deserves to run on whatever energies help keep them living in life, and have a right to live at whatever paces in life they wish to live, that’s for no one to judge. Its people who don’t know when to stop that are the problem, if this is my job its my job to write, that’s not someone who is doing anything that needs stopping, and if anyone needs to stop, its those who think they know me best, Im not trying to be predictable Im trying to be innovative. Im trying to be well liked. Im not trying to stand out, I have broken barriers, and that is in terms of acceptance toward those with mental health issues, and its my right to live life, free from discrimination as to the interests of others not wanting to be associated to someone who they think is blind or stupid, and no Im not responsible for negative commentary about me, have always been appropriate, conservative, well spoken and never snap, until aggravated. Snapping is not the solution to your problems, whenever you fight toward someone, that usually causes a breaking of the heart and then causes you to become tired, you cannot self-harm without harming the health of others watching, and you cannot hurt anyone without being of harm to yourselves for watching. That’s the issue, who thought it was okay to see me private then hurt me as mentally ill, how you deal with your problems is your right to privacy not of public interest or of the publics right to know, everything about you in private, learn to leave people alone, and allow them to get well. Its not by keeping someone sick that the sick get sicker, its those who cannot get well because you think they are sick they are affected. And its not until you get well that hopefully they realize its time for them to stop discriminating you.
There are many who write online, its not new to blog your thoughts presently about life. Its a learning process, how to write, and share your work. The goal is always to publish a book, when the time is right, and I am feeling well, strong can publish a book, but not at this time, this is good enough, earning a living takes time writing. Sharing your work is not spreading illness, what is assumed, and to argue in favor of those who know you and do not want you to be known to others, those are their reservations about you, thinking you are not well enough to be liked or followed by others. It could be a new audience of people who do not know me, or it could be an audience of people who have known me overtime, who are being critical of me, in the face of a new audience, to spread likewise feelings of a few who do not like me, and spread those mixed feelings to others, who will likely hear both sides, and then be sided toward me, or read along, as not affected. You cannot hear a fight and not be affected, that’s only being human. And you cannot take one fight, and say that it is like other fights, that illness that is felt by me, then take my shoes, and say that others exposed to fight feel like me and become ill, those are not the causes for illness and addiction. I wake up early and go to bed at 8pm because I live at home with my family, that is out of respect for their wellness not up at night and not out at night. There are some people who are privileged to be in charge of their own wellness in life, and there are some to whom their wellness affects others. I am well aware of having illness and whether those illnesses have an affect on others, I take meds, that doesn’t mean Im mentally ill nor should be treated as mentally ill. I was hospitalized on 06/28/19, its for those reasons I could not sit at dinner for my Mothers birthday, learn to let things go. Its wanting to know if upon recognition I feel ill around others, whether that’s just inside me, or whether in public others are ill toward me, as recognizing me or seeing me. Illness is illness, not by fame, are people seen and recognized and hated upon, and if you are trying to influence that condition, that is likely to cause illness or worry to those reading along, and especially ruins or hurts my condition as sharing, and hurts my ability to share, as not well. Voices are voices, and if you hear voices, you call 911, and visit the police in person to discuss those voices, and if you need help they can assist you, either help you to the hospital, or help prevent others from hacking and hurting your insights in life. Eventually people move further and further away from you, that’s the goal as a writer, not to be hurt nor affected by others, as having written.
The well deserve opportunities to fix themselves, given more benefits of the doubt than the sickly, discrimination is bad, because it encourages others, to keep people away or out of environments who they deem to bear characteristics of those problematic, and upon too many discriminations permanent illness, that is feeling comfortable in group settings, and upon being asked to leave, or being told not to return, on personal records, results in others treating them the same. There are behavioral health issues, and there are simply people being able to fight with others because they think they are more well than someone who they deem is not well, and then think its okay for them to say it to their face that they think they are not well. Breakups are difficult, and its not until someone is not able to achieve in life, that you think twice about whether it was appropriate when they were well to drain them tired, until they responded poorly, in another environment. That’s not love. Usually you give people their spaces in life, give them room to grow, and upon abandonments, thrive on your own with or without people in your life, not impede on their personal life progress. Some things you learn to let go of in life. What people do in their lives when youre not around, and understanding that their lives too were ruined upon a breakup. That’s called being understanding. If 7 years have passed and a person has still not moved on, that means that there is something wrong with them, that did not need to be identified out loud, which is called disability. And now under the pressures, of parents getting older and needing to work, now its become an issue of waking up and going to bed every night that is causing me concern about my own health. These are things you should not have to struggle with as being fought towards, and these are things you should not have to struggle with upon meeting new people, and being treated as discriminated.
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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