11-29-20
Before there were protests, there were celebrations, maybe premature for us, but one poster stood out to me, I think the lettering in support of SCOTUS with a circle around it, overseas, when another Country was freed, Im not sure if we are fans of, or which Jews built what, and why I was introduced to Tiesto in the Engineering Quad by a friend who climbs, and is Russian, went to an International High School in Egypt, anyways, who then moved above the Deli many years later and was introduced to Yo La Tengo. Tiesto's bebo song is no where to be found, saved in college, mix stolen, probably along with all my other CD's, thats not my social security number, which happened this year, same old, fancier ways of being hurt in life, that get out of control, so Im sorry, how I got hurt and my family got hurt, with no money, people asking for money, received from edd.gov, so apart of me not completely sharp coherent yet, thats the embarrassing part of disability, I would never slow anyone down to meals and goodnights, thats too slow. But I hear the sense in seeing if I recognize the difference between normal conversation, the pen pal life, its odd, Im sorry, I usually dont talk to anyone, to to be sized up as dumber than I was trying to appear online, is okay just not to who has been supporting me, not convince them Im the cause for their sufferings, as not having done a good enough job sticking up for myself when needed, and letting everything slide, while I was made to look like someone making $hit up, or complaining, about the type of life and interactions I had, probably someone who was making fun of my quotes campaign, as an unnecessary reference to someone who died, seeing me as taking his place, I read his website before I committed suicide, why the F do you think Im still alive, because I dont say $hit, move forward in life, thats not sizing up anyone paranoid, which you learn in Rehab or by Ferguie, the make believe gov't agents spying on you, which if is anything, they dont do much these days other than slow me down, or send voices, which could be someone trying to see whether I communicate with strangers, once in front of my friends house called at night, someone came up to my car, then I was put in jail, he got pulled into an SUV by the world police, I drove him to Heroine detox weekly, in exchange for an adderrall, sober prescribed 5 adderralls already, a runner, skinny, fit. And once walking home from a march to Westwood and back, in front of the bank building with a planter and a missing window, someone random appeared, I saw behind me, so thats when youre alone, people showing up, means that you either appear in need, or someone who needs help not being helped, or not on the right meds at home, while on Provigil walking for 2 hours everyday and on night meds, just to lose 10 lbs, thats why I was trying so hard, really nothing to do with the meetings, if I video myself on my remade Instagram mymollydoll1985, which if Im not well in public after meeting those with normal lives, then I dont look like I appreciated how special that was everyone there and in positive spirits, means thats when I returned not acknowledged was intended to make me seem like I relapsed because I threw away a cocaine baggie (one left with), after the move to the new house, which made me look trashy, and because I dont throw out my trash, makes it seem like it was found, and I was told on, and then put on ambien and in the hospital I stayed Spring 2011, when I drew a fact pattern in crayon, a girl sitting under a tree, and a truck accident on the freeway, which maybe is known to them, watching TV of the riots, not a story I have told, but the entire hospital is painted now, and I found a cricket in my bed, the nurse's name is Leslie I think I wouldve remembered that, I dont really participate socialize, I requested smoking, so was sent to a hospital in Chino, if I start talking to myself in my hospital bed, telling jokes, noticing the family drawn on the arm pump, and talking to the plug, means Im delusional, because thats not code, or is that funny only to maybe them, real to me, stands out, means I probably am too paranoid, and communications are not that sophisticated for building trust, but should anyone gather evidence of you having fun in public and not made scared by strangers than that is how you becom not trusted, and if you try to help others, they think is because both sides know you, which is also scary to think about. Which is why being famous is not fun, I need to get a masters in international negotiations, and without an attorney to advise me, on how to get my life back on track, just listen, and will disclose in the future if there are any strangers perched around me, and not be out at night, which is why I ahve been home going to bed at 8pm every night, and was arrested by the police, once in front of a school, because I stayed in my car all night, so thats others talking to the police, and because of how you have behaved, so threatened your own families wishes to stay in your room, something I talked about by video to my iPod, in front of the Roosevelt, my Dad shouting at me to stay in my room, I went running one night they were filming, a gang in orange kept popping up on my street one in shorts, and I ran through a movie set, they were filming a scary movie, we were notified by flyer, I used to hit my head talking to myself outside my house, I think Ive come along way, trust wise, just today lost my face again, because I slammed my head into a door, so not strong mentally or physically, Im sorry, will do my best not to be scary, and stay healthy, even though a lot has happened to me in life, thats no excuse, for hurting your family, for being out at night, that not only makes you look bad, but serves as an excuse for everyone to treat you as mentally ill like your on drugs, happened twice, takling exactly as prescribed, if I miss a night of sleep, punished, saying Im overdosing when Im not, so the last year I have not been stable running out of meds, taken off meds for two weeks slept at home did not go to the hospital saw a Psychiatrist who told me that I dont have ADHD, and prescribed me Vyvanse, this was March, which is okay, they're the doctor, so if I tell them what works for me, that gets interpreted as me telling them, so if you have disability, and self-harm, just let them know, so they know what meds to take you off of if youre coming across as unruly or too strong to anyone for that matter, allow people to second guess you, its by their decisions in life, you were given a life to live, so no at no other point in time do you know better, or is your timing in life important for anyone for that matter other than yourself, to lose weight, which isnt that important of a goal, being accepted as normal, and not be treated as a truant, drug addict, or "derilic" talking to yourself on your way to jail, Id prefer not please. Writing is a much better form of communication than going nuts with nothing to do, and no job, which I think was the joke, someone smart with nothing to do, so anticipating that posted "Ron Give Me My Job Back." Because thats exactly where you guys are going when you take it all the way back, which is why NYC supports all "never forget." Was that a "never" as in Michael Jackson? As in Neverland? Shes been to the ranch, got in a car accident in a golf cart listening to Michael Jackson in the mini Lincoln, and they lost their driving privileges, and had to take the train, so that was being gifted a Yellow Jeep Boombox, and a box of CDs, the card is probably gone by now, never were gifts viewed by me to be internal communications, but afterward when you share, makes you seem like someone who is given clues in life and misled by things you see or hear or know or come to believe in people who are later found to have harmed others, on the wrong teams in life, if by experience, you were not harmed during your experience, explains why the age demographics wanted to be known, and seeing Facebook is a younger demographic, half nude photos were shown of me, so no me auditioning for NBC's "The Voice" is not it, the blog is. So I hear your war conspiracies of me saying one thing and thinking Im connecting to other teams in life, I get how thats alarming, it alarms me too, Los Angeles is complicated enough as it is, no fighting required, chill, at peace, so the unwanted tourism, is not by my demonstrations to an audience being watched by someone bad, its Wordpress has my domain, Im not sharp enough to get it back but we are still in talks, I told them I hired someone, and ICANN blocks moves now, prohibits moves, so I couldnt figure it out anyways, put a message on my WHO IS to everyone. So I recognize that case, and I dont think that nude photos should have been asked beyond what I normally take, actually naked as though that was going to stop someone from hurting me who wouldnt stop being intense toward me, yes I felt responsible to calm this person down, he called my Mom, had it not been for the lawsuit, then the same steps wouldnt have been repeated to make me look like I was intense at the time I was sued in need or upset by anything that any person I was talking to was responsible for, that means its out of the hands of the person you are talking to, why people who are already getting F over and dont know why, is difficult to permit to speak, because it looks like someone was getting hurt, and didnt say anything because one has guilt, and thats not how life works. Maybe everyone tips eachother off, to maintain some comradere over whos who, but its not until no one feels sorry for you, or does not empathize with you, and sees you as lesbian who sleeps all day, and sees their mom as having to do my laundry, as though she should not be taking care of me, well I started cleaning my own room, you can have the treadmill, it was for me, prime exmaple of moms advice working on others, but cant fix me, not their fault, thats just how I am, everyone connected except me, then everyone angered by me, let me know when Im the leader, and let me know when to take the lead of others, and let me know when Im being out of line, I almost got kicked out of my own house, means I just F-d up, and these are not issues that my parents can handle, why my Dad told me to stop blogging, and showed me a picture of the LA Times Building, back in the day, they got attacked, I see what you guys think, so writing isnt surviving in lieu of being bullied, it is not better of a life, but at least Im speaking, so that doesnt mean I was ever suicidal, everyone just knows my quirks now, so its easy to get under my skin and hurt my head, and thats not intentional, thats just me now keeping my distance, and thats okay, painful for no reason, occurs when things are at peace, and everyone is fine, then someone who seems well because others are not doing well is rising to a some version of king kong online celebrity status, which is a gift back for something youve done well, not because of something youve done wrong, and even if its someone doing you wrong, you cant go back if you were the one who got made to look bad, and a President you finally got to be in sync with through all the action this time, got sick, means that is why Im being blamed, because it looks like post "impeachment" I reached out to talk to someone, who I didnt have a problem with, who didnt know me, then as I got sick expecting me to do better, then once able to stand, knocked me out completely from any running respect wise, looking like I assaulted the President and sent him nude photos, past Hemingway, you know I didnt advise him to go to The Philippines, but I still took responsibility for all his coverage of the Asian States (Countries), not like they dont care, or dont have excellent systems for belief making already pre-established, if only they could fix their sky, California did awesome in that respect! So proud!
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11-29-20
Theres the beaten and there is the damned, Im choosing to be neither, this is the time where no apologies are due, and when forgiveness is sought, from the one betrayed, or the one at odds, to which neither side becomes benefited by, from a talking through the terms of unwanted acceptances of one another to begin with, this presents a very painful difficulty in life. When one cannot move forward, and at the expense of the other, is made to look worse, for the other to look better, so that everyone turns on you, that’s to not be trusted in life, not the giver of insights, and not by trusted means able to speak, and that’s a painful fact of life, that once someone is done with you, its because its too painful to talk to you, just like its too painful for me to talk to anyone who is not inspired by me or thinks less of me, that’s an unrealized fact of life, being past the point of forgiveness, when you are suffering, and at your own expense, become the receiver of pains in life, not by your own doing, but situated to take heat from others, as though you were rightfully denounced to be some lesbian to the interests of mankind, a doer of love, not a receiver of love, or a taker of love, not a bringer of love, and that’s how someone who is not loved is made to feel, that they don’t deserve opportunities, they have not tried for in life, and become the keeper of the consequences of losing love, become the enemy to the hearts of others, who learn to forget, not to forgive, who are trained to harm, and terrorize for information, not to wait and allow people to come forward when they feel the time is right to share what it is they went through, without having to go through the same demeaning tasks, for respect in life, made to feel like someone, who they think is jealous of, jobs, nationalities, whoever came up in life with a stronger faith and bond than anything I was ever afforded through intimacies or education, simply not good enough, and that’s when it becomes painful to do anything your heart is set to, whats the cause for your own improvement, thought the misery of others, or whats the cause for your writing, not the bringer of peace, or whats the cause for your mental illness, letting who win, and who is not to be forgotten those who gave you life, who will not tolerate what was done to you, the choices you made, and what you were made to look like by them, that loss of respect so deserved, and that’s what it feels like to not be loved and to not be trusted left with nothing in lfie to live for, and nothing in life to be proud of, that’s suffering, whether anyone recognizes your pains or disability as suffering, to not be as sharp as, as intelligent as, or as strong as anyone else, who never had to stoop to the graces of hate, in order to ever be respected as having suffered any wrongs in life, brought before the court for review, which was what just happened to me, whoever it is, and forever it was worth, that was real happiness shared, and that was real heart given, and that was real love demonstrated, and if the times become intolerable to me, its not me making up whatever I struggled through which was not made public online, times Ive slammed my head into walls hearing voices, times Ive been in arguments punching my head, times Ive heard voices trying to go to sleep punching my head, times Ive taken handfuls of meds just to sleep feeling like giving up in life, or times I could not write and forced to talk to myself, to get myself going again, and talk some sense into me, no matter how I felt, no matter how many fires there were, not fall victim to the words or senses of others about me. That’s life, no one cares if your strong, no one wants you to be strong for them, and no one wants you to write online, if you seem like someone who is not on board with the happinesses of others until they find themselves at odds with you, leaving you with no one to console you or support you, who can be loved then, if not me? So what makes me different from others who have died, not being able to say how they feel and wanting everyone to be happy with where we are now, is that Im 35 so I still have a life to live, and its way too late to undo the struggles others went through in life providing a good life for me, for any of them to be blamed, causes me sickness, and that’s when you are found to be in the wrong, when by your choices you are made to be something you are not online, and then also feel frustrated that no matter how much work you have accomplished in trying to make things right, are not given an opportunity to work again, and defy the laws of bipolar, sickness, and suicide, preferred to stay home and do nothing or blog, is what seems to be the preferred state of being. Like anyone is dependent upon me, for a change of heart, or thought daily, that’s allowing people in, and then allowing them to feel harmed should I give up in life, which is how when you affect a caretaker, those cared for are made to feel, hurt, injured, embarrassed, or at odds with you now, how those on the outside of your home life are made to feel empowered, getting not only everyone to turn on you disfavorably and not see you as a human being but also cause those in your life to give you a hard time, as though they are supposed to suffer the same odds that you were put through in life, and no its not deserved, and no my condition is not a joke, and yes I was raised to be spiritual and no that does not make me a medium, and yes I was ordered to go to therapy, and no I don’t need to talk, and yes I was bullied at home but that was because my face and demeanor changed to look like something I was not, not talkative, quiet, immature, scared, or unrealized of my blessings in life and where I was proud, in law school. I was not raised to be above anyone, I don’t treat anyone as below me, Im not a sexual person, I don’t date (only in my 20s), I don’t go out (only Spring 2013), I don’t drink (only 2006 and 2013), I don’t give blow jobs (only 2013), I don’t need a JD (I can represent myself without a JD, why would anyone want me to represent them, when all they do is put me down in life at this point, therefore I cannot get married because my image is questionable, an embarrassment now not a source of pride, with sexuality in question attraction to man or woman who is perceived to be nicer to, upon connecting treated or rejected as though a sense of peaceful juncture, is a communication of awkwardness or masculinity as recognized, to be a source of disempowerment to other women, not empowerment, an unwanted interaction). So forgive me for not being more social, I think being on social media, was being social, without the drinking, sex, and drug use, that much I can skip in life, its not for me, especially if I was a public figure, that doesn’t mean at a later point in time, I can live a private life or a secret life, that’s the pain of being known, everything about you known, from childhood to now shared, and when someone puts you down as not having reported to the courts, that’s because your purpose in life is deemed to be a consequence of something you have done wrong in life cared, not a consequence of the wrongs committed by others decided to care, and that’s the pitfall of caring when no one else is publicly ready to care and by what means seek to establish a different conversation that doesn’t cause pain, and more losses or suffering, such as blame or inherit any risks involved to become associated by following, to any words shared as making people apart of lesser groups in society, which is not my fan base, who are mostly nice people with nice things to say, I think those who have envisioned a different course for me in life, want to see if I suffer and die by the same means (business: Britney Murphy), (DJ music: DJ AM), (misuse abuse or relapse: Whitney Houston), (world peace: Buss), (everyone the same: Eminem), (Clueless: Aliyah), (deposition: mymollydoll.com), (courthouse: Santa Monica), (job: the government), (presidency: Hillary Clinton), (house: Justice Roberts), (accountant: David Letterman), (Ex and Ring To: My Brother), (Friend: Matt Bauer), (Transferred Schools: Crossroads), (Comment After Fart at UWLA: The UTA Bomber), (Cleared Airspace: LAX Airport). So please be careful as though everyone has not done their best to be made stronger if ever while making fun of anyone they either sought to empower, be role model to, or inspire likewise to just go for it, and be an “IT Girl,” I don’t think its always in the cards for everyone to be remembered fondly, and sometimes those who get noticed, are sometimes for bad reasons before any good reasons arise from knowing someone, and that’s how you get remembered, hopefully for something good you have accomplished in life, not someone who was strong in spite of losses, then be punished as the founder of any faiths that let anyone down while I was in law school, not going to make it then, or not going to make it now, I don’t think I was ever the dream not then and certainly not now, therefore no one needs to be put on blast, for whatever kept them going in life and feeling apart of (yes, I heard Chelsea Handler share leaving a fire), and yes (Red Cross followed me), and yes I paid tribute after the first fire (in the Valley), and no I didn’t give up, I was still awake functioning not under any pressures in life was already writing in my computer and assembling a book, which was later put together an self published by me, a memorized f-ck up in life not waiting for Jay while hearing voices, and going on Tinder instead, while he was in Texas, which is why recently an Ex did me, after hooking up with a roommate, and then told me about it afterward, to see how I would feel having been done wrong in life, whether that made her an offender to my story, like I was made out to be an offender to Jay, which is not deserved when two people are not together, and when it takes time to be together, and one another not approved for some reason, that’s no one seeing the value in your relationships with men, and Im not a woman who is strong enough to live alone, I have always wanted to get married be loved and have a boyfriend, and not in the condition I am in now, can take care of others, I can do my best, but if I go into pain and suffering, then that’s not going to make their lives any easier, and then Im home stuck in my room in pain, and not able to work, that’s because its viewed as insult being able to work for someone but not your own family, and its not that I don’t love my family, but my problems are far to big, for them to be personally affected by, although they do have fun watching me work, because Im so intense and get a lot done, that was the show for everyone else, not the $hit show I was made out to be in Hollywood, or at Bungalow, or Qs, not myself, and had I known in advance what I looked like and how that made others feel, then I would not have been out in public for others to see my face and body, and energy and wonder the same about me, why I was mentally ill, what caused me to be mentally ill, and how I thought that I could help in spite of being alone, still be able to do the right thing and report when help was needed 2013 to SCOTUS. 11-29-20
So thats everything I had to figure out for myself without an attroneys advisement, talking things through, a lot of what you wonder about are things happening to you because you dont recognize what is wrong with you why you get punished, either because something bad happened and you didnt say anything, or based on who you later connected with, hiring a professional life coach, based on Florida, seemed like a business move to connect to a state with recent gun violence, suspect, thats looking stupid no matter what you do, so always know where others are at in terms of your innocence and do a good job of being professional, not creative in the sense where you do anything or make any connections in life to make a statement about yourself, that occurs through your work ethic, not by where you work, or who with, make you any more important in life, not if you seem like someone who is getting involved in a profession you dont belong in, without personality, or unattractive, Im sure thats why its very hard to get in, you ahve to be at a certain level of understanding with compassion and be on good terms with the majority, not someone inhibiting the growth or a growing industry committed not to spreading mental health issues, or about preaching to others philosophies in life to explain the past, that Im sure of, forward thinker, most still here, got their rest and now they are back working, which means, dont hold back, time is of the essence and while everyone is alive and well, dont ruin a good first impression, due to any amount of bullying, if youre not that important yet, and if you were not that big of a deal then by school choices, then the impact of hearing from you now, will similarly feel the same, nice to hear, good to know, but make no system for understanding losses, based upon individual needs or merits, be considered the course of disappointment or heartache, remember who introduced us to concepts of safekeeping, and writing 60 words per minute, those who invent systems for managing your day, thinking, notes, and calendars, and emails, are people who care less over details within, and more about the overall feel of being in someones life, and having reviewed what they have written, is the basis for communications of value, you literally can tell if something hurts, Just like you can tell when your not yourself, why not to drink or try drugs, its better to be smart doing nothing, staying organized, then slow down to see how everyone else is doing looking for answers in life, that the street cannot provide back to you, or a bar, where to go from here, your strengths in life lie in your conscious thinking when alone, and its when around others, that you need to be more mindful of those in a room, not just focused on yourself, how you miss out on life, working toward goals, instead of being happy when everyone else is, and its when you become unhappy, or think that others have made you look bad, or hurt your thinking, is when you need to buckle down in life, and take life seriously, not blame anyone for how things look, just be more in control of your own awareness for how you have been identified made known, and not shy away from any challenges in life, look like someone who is too carefree, and in not being in the lives of others, be viewed as selfish for focusing on oneself, thats how you go nuts, accommodating someone elses sudden neediness when you detach, as though their detachment from you for a year was tolerable and space given, generally means to focus on oneself, and if youre not getting good grades in law school, then maybe that means to have not written on twitter, for public viewing, which cannot be taken down, easily put back up, without you knowing it, and thats something being focused on about you, without you knowing it, how your mind gets split between two things to concentrate on, writing online, and working in school, not present anywhere, that means that because you lose your focus, and because of what was said, that is how you were made to feel gone, not on point, so learn to let things go, no matter how interesting twitter was to try, having not written anything for years since joining 2008, maybe in law school was not the time to talk to the public in such a personal way, thats being focused on presented to the world, and if you dont know how big that world is, should anything go wrong, as you are, stable or not, others may become critical of you easily identifying you as the odd man out, and thats how interest in you is lost, things not working out outside of school and you being made fun of for a list of tv shows in your computer "melrose place the remake" upon transferring to the other campus a new Constitutional Law II Professor, same material first day, so I left class, and talked to the Dean and my Property Professor in an office, with a fan on an empty desk, and told them I was going to DC, and since only showed up for the first day that semester and took 2 weeks off in DC, by my request for a leave for absence, was not permitted to return to campus, so thats leaving to graduate with Ds a good GPA, transferring to another school, which shouldve been the JD Program at California School of Law Online, instead a Masters in Law at Thomas Jefferson School of Law which doesnt prepare me for the bar, nor completes what work was done in a JD. So there is still time, now that my brain is back, life is painful, but I can still try, something to do besides blogging. Then I wrote this walking in the park, only sometimes, I cant stop writing, and not in my routine walking everyday, there are a such thing as work days, its not being on in life, its making sure things are okay, having disclosed all the scary stuff I had to interpret or not assume and let go of and forgive, and just forget those attacking me, not believe anything they say, when someone misidentifies you, thats to speak through you for all to hear, and make you look like you made yourself look stupid repeating something mean someone was intending to insult you in a way they think is deserved, or was deserved, thats now a testing of saying things to me and what happens to me, thinking in their control, like insult, as recalled later, caused weight gain or promiscuity hooking up, that person inside thats like get me the F out of here, is a "rebellious" person, dont let them hype you up into thinking your going nowhere in life, its usually by what theyve read about you, they think they have a story to tell about you, and not care about whatever work you have accomplished toward getting well and staying well in life, your life a joke to them, you know if this was someone who was mature enough to respect a condition, hospitalize, then maybe I shouldve dated someone with more experience being in relationships, who wouldnt have the energy to change or control me anyways and leave me just the way I was, they either trust you or need reassurances, and if theyre just with you to have someone to call a "girlfriend" and stay in touch with other women they find smart, then dont F me, simple. Its someone who takes personally if you become bipolar focusing, thats not me high or gone, thats me in a moment of peace needing to be left alone, and amount of focus, always interrupted, its like my mind stops, and if Im not careful if scared, my face gets disoriented, thats when youre easily affected, why if they cared about your health, they wouldnt have subjected you to odd conditions and smells, just to see you respond in mental illness, like I dont know how to breathe under pressure, write, perform, report to the police, call a Judge, we may be in COVID, but its those smells in life, that interfere with the bodies ability to make decisions, causes a headache, slow thinking, thats being made to look weird, microbes etc, its me inside me and it will be me inside me at all times, no help needed. We talked now everyone can practice letting things be good that’s not backing up Bc it’s important to learn how to utilize hyper vigilance have a good memory so in good timing when you see clearly then can talk about what we solved on our own and how we managed to be successful despite discrepancies in choices as the cause be not the cause sought seek positive results in self if harm needs proving or disproving by way of positive consequences (cannot be created as connected should be coming from an understanding greater than any individual interests made personal to a bystander hurt or made scared by something in control image and output alert, it’s the miscommunications within the home that is a waste of time too late to light up for anyone, with a football kitchen table that’s also notifying others that that deduction was coming from someone confirmed by matching names Chris Sonia and Justice Sotomayor which was the point I committed suicide for no reason knew deep in what CSI skilled and trained people get energetic about is if this or that must be this that’s not hard, why, stuff I’d like to know more about too instead treated like had a solution all alone didn’t share I got shot in the neck with a needle means don’t speak and not especially if that’s the name I’m saying, that’s making your parents relive the past l, move forward, don’t say things paranoid about people from their lives how you get hurt mentioning and then that strength in connecting gets made to look stupid superfluous so let go don’t put my dad down “with a big head” he loved his kids built a sandbox, and no he doesn’t take things too far he’s a workaholic maybe not a supportive ex controlling but he’s always loved my mom wanted me to take care of her now they’re both upset with me, I’m sorry. Nothing on your part needs to be done to reverse any negative assumption of you the more you lend inference too the more you justify the distance between you and others which is not a cause for suffering forgiveness then say it if not saying anything thought about would result in harm to you why things get said as needed Bc of risk imposed upon not specifically stating what it is that I’ve done wrong why I got punished it’s how I am how I look what I sound like about face treated as inhabited by something strange not myself which I think was the goal of separation is bipolar not herself and now no one and with a website someone with no one in my life and my parents upset I couldn’t figure out my own mental health issues in therapy just put on meds to not over talk myself into trouble was the point. No I was not the stimulator connected to anyone, and no being hospitalized 9x does not prove someone right about seeing me as a mentally ill influencer that caused gun violence, if I never mentioned it then how was that thought up and brought up not by deject keys by me on Twitter that’s studying unfinished work wanting more not being provided with a point that’s reporting the only point should be protection of interests not the opposite your own interests tainted and be ridiculed treated as not smart, you get fooled by who you connect to, why and is stupid, more damaging to your image and intelligence than anything one up or point about life that can be made to support whomever liked you but then again just wanted to get down at your expense made fun of so again my loss I did the right thing left didn’t marry left a 4 yr relationship Bc someone kissed me means talk about it if something bad happened while separated, he can’t talk you through a choice of course he’s not gonna tell you to go back to him he convinced you to leave him. You learn in a good way bits on your own and alerted to what basis things not right for just you or others? Me (2008) seeing movement uniformity in expression that’s boarding a ship I’m not on at some point take responsibility say I’m here I see what’s up are you ok I’m okay that’s all. Sorry I was so intense. Just mature that’s al that’s asked of anyone usually these are compliments not excuses and take into account you were the funny subject like who the F is that what the F is she doing why the F is she there you know if no one saw any harm in it, then why should I have for seen anything ahead to be fearful of, learning is about being more able when I was not strong gave up, tried drugs, drank, hooked up, all the things that devalue you as a human being later you learn to wait and if it doesn’t happen means get a job make money not be a charity case a trophy girl that’s only for those who represent others well, so I see how skinny looked ridiculous as being somewhere achievement wise proud based on my surroundings etc not found. I was found. Just not in a smart way making moves in life was learning tech excited about it and when I’m into something and it’s not making money told to get a job and that’s life what makes you happy may not always make others happy and that’s that. 11-29-20
Please Note (11-30-20): Im sure Im just rambling about how I feel, but in reality everything is peaceful, so maybe adjust my attitude about how I think Im being interpreted. Sometimes its not thought until its said, so sorry, okay today. I have to be careful not to push myself over the edge and bottom out, emotionally, keep it smart! Good point. What is up in life, respect, & trust. Who is victim who is to blame. Retaliation on me treat me as to blame for others liking me asking for photos of me, not take my side to justify discrimination as though I’m ever racist condescending or give anyone attitude in life it’s not my style or energy to hurt for reaction make feel stupid as comeback lens crafters joke to be sent home for card for a difference told later was $6 to get my glasses back and paid difference already. If my face looks grose around people they take it personally as though I don’t feel well by anyone or that it’s a trait intrinsic to me to hurt me as trying to be something I’m not ladylike or respectful see me as something I never was a show off or cocky or condescending or trying to sound educated compared to anyone I had to work hard to be smart it’s easy to read it’s harder to write and manage content for reaction not in the reverse respect loss of say something to empower or notify a side toward you that they have won at destroying you because they thought your purpose for attending law school was solely to help someone personally not based on experience to help all why my sex lose brought into question not seen as a victim because I said once or twice I’m done because it was just sex they don’t call or text so why should I chase someone who’s not into me afterward that’s leaving a door open not expecting anything in return wanting more that is being a lady staying with who loves you not wasting time getting f-cked by someone who’s not long term material see eye to eye there for you emotionally just as friends. So I got treated like I do others and make them feel bad about themselves how a lawsuit made all my connections become connected, that’s what happened to now to be viewed as to allow others to conform me being the source of bad luck or bad ideas that results in poor luck for others in their lives to be connected to someone who is not respected or carries a trait of characteristic of hyper or disallusionmemt not believable to others upon viewing me seeing me instead as unimpressive compared to the feeling derived looking at others more out together on point than someone not made on point upon speaking to others or being looked at confident within and on my face. To argue that Im the cause of bad luck financially had I not had friends over to meetup at my house a car accident would have never happened as though the reasons for them leaving were not to get weed because I did not have weed to supply for a kickback at my house. To say allowing friends over past the point of not being allowed to have friends over was their way of doing me wrong to make me look like I did not learn from a previous bad experience not to entertain anyone at my house without a brother present his friends were okay under my supervision not respected as not intending to cut loose be taken advantage of which was why my house got invaded at a party someone put a cigarette out in my best friends face would not listen told to all go home and my father had to come out and break up a fight and tell everyone to go home, and that was my father in public upset at a kickback that was turned into a party not by me, kids from another school I did not know. That was how allowing friends over who asked to come over turned into a poor representation of my values trust safety of my life and belongings not taken into account as being of value to me, placed in jeopardy, simply because one group of friends distanced from did not make it okay to be close with everyone else made me seem particular about distance as though blames others differences as though I made them look like they did anything wrong, they still came over anyways one accidentally spilled candle wax on my new purse, and the other greeted me nice to me, came over without invitation or cell phone numbers. Illness occurs socially when made to feel that your missing a point everyone gets about you and that’s you no longer belonging not being a stable person chill and it’s when you become needy that someone cannot help you if anything’s ever an emergency it’s you not chill is why others do not speak to you means get your life in order no one can help you past a moment of disorder doesn’t mean so drugs alone it just means don’t so drugs at all if you become a different person. So that’s an example of how it comes to be that others stop believing in me supporting me (if I exhibit signs of mental health issues, not being chill, voices, not at ease relaxed when everyone else is, to make me seem nervous, as though they all know something I don’t, and waiting until I find out why it’s me alone not in sync with anyone, distant back, as though studying and being focused is a natural distance not for personal reasons obviously not headed anywhere important in life if that’s the feeling expressed toward me disappointment past and who I am now not making things clear or inadvertently painful to address the causes for that allowance). That explains why doing things I love like law school told to work was not good enough (a pre-judgment if failure being in need of help, and if I’m not chill means other people who tried on me with similarly not being made to feel chill by me with their own problems not needing unnecessary embarrassment due to drug use or promiscuity). So now in doing what I’m doing, blogging, I’m more mindful, than I was on Twitter, which was stability and moments of upset all shared out loud, and even things missing or posted not understanding why, that’s an example of being connected to the wrong insights in life and reacting as though there’s an audience for it with no followers means will be heard about respects lost seeing your name was known and in connection to that makes a poor entrance to the public arena with already famous people representing your team in life, made to seem spilling unhappy by connections seeing a bigger picture personally or even worse be treated as less than not deserving misinterpreted as not going to make it with all of history known, say things in a way to benefit the teams existing then make everything now seem like known all along we all get the same news which aren’t pointers for appreciating the good things in life if you choose to accept the scary parts of life then that’s you not appreciating the good things about life value your blessings and who’s in your life why ever lose faith during moments of peace, be patient, as I always have without question even if though deserved having heard things about me lost respect for me, fair enough, I think I get hurt just as well when noticed as though I was madd to chime in you have to chime in when something doesn’t make sense ordinarily suddenly makes sense only as to information only known to you. This is why it looks like I made others not feel good (now expressing difficulty post JD and mental illness hospitalized 8x is not just me giving up in life with disability it’s also not being able to get well no matter what anyone else’s reservations are made out to be about me not seeing the beauty in figuring life out expecting me to know and treat me as though because I did not try hard enough others suffer including my family, that I can take credit for not having a legal education or confidence intelligence wise to even see anything as unordinary treatment of me or my family members. That’s others protecting them and them protecting you and all the random stuff gets viewed as knowing seeing and not liking for reasons only they know, seeing people known as obnoxious, not respecting anyone they don’t want to be in life. Why information is made known about people without representation like they deserved to be misrepresented or guided away from respecting a source of positive representation. Everyone goes by different information thinks they handle things best putting me down in life. vs when I was well that’s an example of not understanding why encouraged to go to law school everyone thought I could do it then not finish be a waste of money so only do things I know I’m capable of finishing with full confidence and no disability means if my head hurts means everyone didn’t feel good and then call me selfish for committing suicide before law school started before applied and got in, to say that I was trying to prove smart or had insecurity issues went for title or to get laid is what it looks like I didn’t need sex already had great experiences it’s when others want to do you and you’re not ready that you get mental illness trying too hard and it doesn’t feel right for them or trying hard in school and things then don’t work out for you there then get blamed for being liked or wasting years of anyone life dating me like I haven’t wasted 8 years of my life disable or mentally ill obese criticized for appearing like I needed attention then later supporting brady thought that the whole time had a plan and there is no agenda it’s people popping up and responding to them like rand who was trying to figure everyone out and by observation sizing up what the issues were and not be attacked as the cause for those happenings directed toward someone who was okay with me why others were not okay with him so that’s why I got sued to make me seem like someone who upon association others thought less of why not responded to. So I’m going to work audition because I want to sing have practiced discovered that I could and it’s not because blogging is not going well it’s because it’s going well I have this opportunity to audition. It’s not a once or twice issue do something well blog and then leave like I can replicate success everywhere I go and experience failure like it’s not meant for me to earn a wage because I supported the wrong teams in life if that’s the too late issue everyone was going for and attacking me because in the 90s everyone was angry to say that someone’s support on the right team was meant in a condescending way as above me to me no she wouldn’t have responded if she was above me and I think the issues are far too painful to even talk about with them who have reserved their right to privacy while everyone thinks I’m just trying to be famous or struggled because another was famous of course not I’ve always supported them did not think that was necessary done to them before internet social media and then something stupid happened to me with social media to make the times look archaic as allowing for trashing still and I don’t know why after bbdo I posed I don’t know why my boss was weird with me don’t know why I got f-d at work and it wasn’t a match, I think you’re in the mood for matching and usually when you match I’m not in the mood and when I like someone similarly they don’t see me as a match which means I’ve let men pick 100% of the time, never the first to hit on anyone expect out with friends I was drunk should I hit on him they sent me back in to talk to someone I thought was cute and that was a mistake to pick after being picked and to not be offended personally got his number interviewed him got to know him we didn’t talk I didn’t know him at all and he was going to leave without number and name as though that’s a normal occurrence or deserved I never lied to say that was rape because he did me again not drunk passing out so whatever that means to anyone else and my face it’s not something I focused on or realized at the time a change I was not a mirror person vain so it’s only once I became vain I realized how someone can change you faced by sex and now by looking at you and it’s your bodies reaction to something in disagreement with you could be my blog, my attitude, my fave, my reputation, my sexuality, questioning my hygiene, my hands, my face, whether I do myself or not when and why, and that being the bot of information not needing to be known about me and if at issue then they want to know for how long when and why in secret to whom by association and that’s why no one wants to talk to me because they heard I do myself and people think it’s about them well if none of you make me feel good it’s no wonder I’m the only person that can make myself feel good it’s not about you it’s about me, don’t take my sexuality personally since I stopped putting out I’m of value to me whether you feel liked by me acknowledged or recognized that’s not my job to make other people feel good and not especially if I’m viewed as someone who can do themselves then every interaction is viewed as unwanted someone who looks and does themselves or looks at others I could do myself without any stimulation and that’s the misunderstanding it’s only until called something you condition yourself to be something you’re not and gained 50lbs. And that proved everyone’s right about me and got what they wanted someone who matched the description of what they saw me as, and that’s the term they want spread with 400k viewers to them treat me as a fan support because I identify with someone who went through something and then treated the same as though any difference in opinion be made of me hurting me and as discussed mention someone who doesn’t need to be known in that way either. That’s hurting me to hurt someone mention as though our issues or problems are the same to make me look like a piggy backer someone who rides on the wellness of others not someone who does well people want to be around that’s being beneath everyone. That’s how you get treated if they think your gay, to them say your OJ, to cover for those who thought you freed OJ, then say you did all if that to be famous why you got treated as grose because someone thought you did it why they did not want you to defend them and say I loved someone who was disgusted by me could do better, and that’s to make me look out of touch or someone who can’t tell if they’re unwanted that’s more than a disappointment all those challenges then become polite rejections of you. So that you don’t matter and say that others are victim to your expressions marching (they think is running), or weight gain (they think is gay blaming women I’m gay they couldn’t care less it’s not a big deal what matters is for how long as soon as I figured that out I texted my brothers friend and Danielle to tell them). I am who I because if my choices in life no one made me be this way and I’m sure anyone could start a blog and sound smart and get likes and the fact I didn’t mean go had a long way to go proving myself an alternate interpretation preferred over a poof choice in favor of school then another poor choice as though trying to do better another side taken other than my health which means everyone knowing each other and thinking less of me or everyone knowing me not knowing what to tell me where all the heat insult and disbelief is coming from in terms of understanding concepts about guilt, associations, prosecutions, ideas, communications, beauty, smarts, and who’s at peace and who’s not us who never thought what I’m thinking but at peace to know it was not only them who thought whatever I’m feeling now was thought of me to excise someone new with expectations as though I’m board with a past viewpoint shared by popular wish to remember me in a way v not smoking weed hurt me as a poor decision maker to say I made others look bad so they madd me like bad based on who was included by photo called me shady to now be said to make it seem like that’s something bothering me it only got triggered 2013 found my yearbook reviewed it then made a call and was told they meant it as a “term of endearment.” Give people time to get well seems it’s before I’ve improved I’m already criticized as though because they can’t see it it’s not happening for me or them only by their own feelings making decisions as though if they were me my life would have been lived any differently or resulting from known loss of respect to begin with, I think I’ve done my best I understand I’m no one important, I get they don’t like that I get help, I can see them wanting me to be ghetto handle life without so much supervision but I also understand that as f-cking up when everyone is watching you or knows you to see if you do anything stupid when left with no one and that’s the satisfaction in watching someone f-ck up in life to justify all the disbelief whether deserved or not and at what points in my life viewed as a let down. I still have to be on my own team in life whether or not anyone is struggling with comprehending what I’ve been through life’s not easy and I think if you don’t say anything then that’s letting jokes fly and sometimes the jokes were intended to fly because they don’t see your communications as beautiful think you don’t deserve to be a representation of any beautiful insights about life don’t think your story benefits anyone knowing you sees your identity as a spud e of bad luck past and presenting if you are thought to be the secret muse, then call me something else I’m not, that’s you allowing for that because it’s easier to say muse like I had no life no good years no good grades no jobs no acceptances because that’s fun for someone else to see me if aggravated whether I take anything they do or say personally I really could care less, it’s those who hurt you that become scared, I don’t care enough to sue anyone for that matter and because I’m not suing anyone doesn’t give anyone the right to hurt me and get away with it because no one cares to stop them as though no or belong means deserved no I don’t deserve to be made to look stupid and I don’t need anyone in my life who’s not in my life already and that means don’t contact me if to be in my life not accept what’s going well for me as though my intelligence is a joke not worth a dime writing if it’s my passion and my gift in life then maybe it’s funny to anyone else who thinks I wrote knowing stuff to sell anyone out including my own Country it’s only now people have learned to understand without getting upset and blaming people for not giving them directions in life of how to view the world and their relationship to me as joke or pride. 11-29-20
Everything bad happened to my computer working on #thelot the power was shut down twice, the entire lot lights out, and for everything I reacted to I never once assumed anyone would be in my computer communicating to me that’s unwanted video of my boss popping up deleted, my Instagram account deleted with record of photo’d sent, and communications private and phone directory. Seems to be that I am tested in professional settings to see what I go along with, how assertive I am, whether because I got in trouble, not assertive enough, and/or allow things to happen without the authority to protect anyone from harm, I was never in a phase of being overpowered or outnumbered in life, if you want to look at life that way, then your not being mindful, of everyone elses lives, who need to focus on themselves, why forgiveness is needed, when there is an argument, and when a later period of friendliness occurs, that means drop it, but it also doesn’t mean that if you get questioned your not to bring up what happened to you personally, that’s really no ones business to keep track of how many times hurt, and when, and obviously after suit, makes me no better contender for peace, I can understand seeing me in that way, no power, works and gets power, is not herself, a by product of another person personality, no there is power in who is observing who, and if both my mom and I can be controlled, to believe in something being a good thing, then we both get made to look stupid, not because of who we are, but because of how things look if anyone complains about a new connection trying to reach out and help get Leslie going again in life, which Im sure was a project for everyone, lets hide money under our mattresses, and save up for nothing, Im just kidding. Cool it. So at the job previously paid, I skipped a paid position, to intern in film because I love film, Im not paying close enough attention to have understood whether or not I fit in exactly, or the chunk of human being, that makes them look mean, Im not that harmless, Im sure he made a billion dollars, because one of my jokes was about the causes for illness, not to blame an addict who suffered on set, and for whatever was occurring elsewhere be to blame, including my identity, as ruining anyones game in life, and even if he was bringing to life a poster I took down, how does turning in the pieces to the FBI equate to a harm he suffered upon addressing an issue of racism, and me being the whoever person that doesn’t get it, frustrating the other, I haven’t worked long enough to understand why you need to stay well, because no one in a rush gets jobs, no ones blind, is fun, no one emotional is trusted, no one who doesn’t listen is believed, no one who isn’t social is deemed to still have social skills just on a break, you cant stop doing things in life to do better in something else in life, that’s not the solution, drink a diet coke, don’t ride that sober magic carpet anywhere in life like your headed anywhere without friends, that’s the quickest step down in life you could ever set yourself up for, you actually become less mature, and harder to deal with, I promise I was never a human being mentally ill, and knowing I was ever famous, ever intending to ever be a personality, that once combined with the expressions of another, was viewed to have made anyone else work look bad, whats thoughtless is talking about why people got sick, and why everyone is sick now like its anyones fault, listen you make important who you choose to be important in your life, no politics about it, and if someone is not worth you time and energy, then don’t even visit a subject that’s upsetting you just call the police, and report your mental health issues, its not a game about prosecuting people for things you cannot prove, I don’t think that was done to me, but I fear like all of those little things add up, and people simply don’t want to be on the wrong teams in life, they’ve come so far, to be judged any differently, connected to anyone not worthy of being known yet, and not for going to school, do something, I will audition, I can still take golf lessons, Im sorry I skipped Lakers Games too, and Im sorry I worked on a hotline, I see my focus points, caused me to make the wrong choices, really stupid reasons, especially since you were in the ocean with OJ in a donut tube, exactly, I F’d up Im sorry Kobe, and to the Farmers Insurance son with the Kobe poster over his desk, Im sorry for your loss, and the fact you had me make an excel spreadsheet of gun and knife dealers, and then I was hospitalized for 30 days and had to sign a form about not touching any firearms, etc, so excel must have been the reason, next time you don’t tell them your beliefs or cares, is how you will get made out to be a fraud, maybe why Brady protested outside, their downtown office, its okay, I shouldn’t tell Brady anything just send books, Im sorry guys, they’ll be fine, no big deal. Its really not a big deal, accepting of you supportive, and if mentioned later hurtful to be talked about, because that was them giving you all their love and support and you still did not perform to your best, blame it on addiction, or simply not being impressive enough that’s without a paycheck in life, siteindices.com made a projected paycheck of $1,137,302 (11-23-20), if I knew how to earn a living blogging, I added myself to IMDB because they showed up in my following made known on Twitter Analytics, is how entertainment folks got bundled into two plans, one job at Cizo.com, one job in Film, Flyers then a Membership meeting and general hashtag picked, I think with all the other things going well for everyone else, it was viewed as a risk to publicly support a cause they thought was a chess move, no my heart was in it, 100% dedicated, why, because I know sociology and its fixable, no grassroots if nos and or maybes about it, who wants to be told how it is, by a bunch of criminals who don’t know the value of their handed to freedoms in life to just work and live a normal life, that’s the fast life running out of time, not me, just my face looks like it happened fast. I actually just started monitoring my face more closely, its really complicated really not in words, really how I feel, really my face, body, and mind, and really me, negotiating with hate that is voices heard inside of me, before my face changes when made to feel bad, funny how that happens, everyone strong except for you, like they did the right thing then and now is no different, equally a disappointment, which is why I cannot blog, one its painful for me, two I don’t have a cell phone and computer now, three my mom is surveying the harassment Ive been reporting to a detective and if her faith is lost in me disappointed how stupid I was at the time talking to companions online filming, in conversation, fun, then I guess it wasn’t worth being social at all, again, my loss, not theirs, that’s reverse empowerment, to hurt me like Im easy to find stand out and for good reasons thought hurt me, to prove bad reasons are by anothers feelings toward me, then solve your own crimes, catch your own offenders, attract your own audiences, write your own speeches, be held to crazy standards of agreements, and lose you wit, personality, and demeanor to disappointment inflicted by a side thought better than to cause death to my Father and suicide to me (self-harm, which was a condition Ive been hospitalized for 9x, in order to prevent self-harming, that’s the first moment of disillusionment, Ive since learned to deal with it staying at home and resting, and there is no amount of on or awake or smart that can undo that hurt, being blamed for losses including one at home, that’s a low blow, after FIRES, HOUSES BOUGHT, LOST RESPECT, then figure life out for yourselves, complain less, prosecute less for fun, and take your own lives seriously, without being too critical of anyones jokes or usages of humor in life, to be about something else, or someone else, not saying anything that works for anyone, not in agreement to, and that’s a good speech, thought to be stupid, which once worked, but no longer makes sense, so write your own treaties and agreements, about life and death, and don’t hurt those well, to see what bad happens or becomes of me, Im living until Im 80 whether you like or not, with my last name, and I don’t give a F about your career, your love life, your friends, or your family either, because none cared about mine, to pay the common courtesy of age being a factor, not push me over the edge, to create a loss at home, as though its my condition that breaks hearts, no one f-king cares, Im independent, was strong and was supposed to work and provide for myself, and because no one identifies me as woman, that is why men turn around and play victim to me as though Im insensitive, then go F someone else, DONE! You can convince people to live, or you can cause pain to those who are still here, its YOUR CHOICE! No one wants to take responsibility for giving me a hard time, had I known that everyone was vaguely talking $hit and casting blames and playing hero empress, then I should have not punched my Brother, who was told to take care of us, and because of what he went through hes not strong enough for politics, he has a good life, and making me sick, doesn’t help, I just become a lost cause not made it. They don’t listen when I say stop, they think Im some primadonna princess who f-king cares what people think, listen if that were it, then I wouldn’t f-king be bipolar or self-harm, it must mean Im done, and giving up in life, if I cannot withstand criticism, and that because hurting me, prevent me from being able to care for others, and at the expense of being a source of stability warmth at home, caused pain to be associated to, someone they don’t need to be hated or made fun of as not smart, working hard. So if I make a millon dollars next year, after moving to smart site, a website I was so proud of but never ready to present and rave to my parents about, became something else, that’s not how fame happens, by sex tape jokes, and if youre making fun of her, your making fun of me, and Im flying to Persia to explain. You immediately get sick the minute your not baller, treated as a weak link, you know what if that’s the case, and everyone out of balls, and playing victim or whimp to the struggles of eachother then no one should blog and pretend to be tough, because this isn’t what life is about, its about providing wellness, being well, you actually don’t have to run that hard to lose 27 pounds, I just lost 27 lbs during COVID, walking. Have fath, this isn’t meditation, you can f-king leave if your head hurts, and its time for me to pray and be quiet Im obviously in the “she doesn’t stop” lane or “she doesn’t know when to stop” ask UCLA? I got bad grades, then sent to rehab, off all meds, my brother called me a pillhead home from rehab the second month with a car, and started punching my head and went nuts and slammed my head into a persian home wall, my Dad said dont break your glasses, and held me to the bed my Brother was in shock smiling, and put me into a headlock once home after drinking, slammed my head to the ground and couldnt breathe, told him "Michael I can't breathe" and he stopped because I brandished my bike helmet at him, the times are tough and image is about respect, not everyone up making fun of you or your family, like we arent human, some cannibalistic non-stop indiana jones adventure, shopping cart down the bridge humor, who are you f-king that is making you so f-king happy about life, and where the F do you work, get a life! Grow up!
10 Year Plan: (mymollydoll): Stay alive hired a detective no socializing, sober, stay home, work from home, or school. Video: *Shouting "he doesnt fucking love me, he doesnt f-cking know me" make yourself famous and suing ICANN, thats identity theft provoked bad decision making following a loss of control, then something bad, then sickness to President Trump, these are real human beings and they cannot remain strong, so long as you are making fun of me a US NAVY Applicant, like Im some sex whore made of something stronger than a Woman, I already do F myself what the F do you need me for! I can't even feel DICK anyways, and if there is no love, then why the f-ck pound me MDR. I dont f-king care if your name sounds Mexican and if they built a wall and everyone Mexican is mad at me, or if Im called a liar, if your nice they think its time to get down, because thats LA super fun, complain, and theyre better than you. Why I want to go back to school, and let my blog stay online, get expunged, and send a million dollars to SCOTUS via check Im sure Charles Schwab can make out into the LOST HOMIE DONATION FUND pitch to Justice Roberts, Im sorry! Making my OWN FACE! (Age 35). Originally Posted 11-23-20
The more you become aware of changes, the less room for error you have. Meaning, the more you are able to put into words, the more is expected of you, to live the same way you speak, as though what you are saying doesn’t even make sense to you, to make sense of others, when Ive never complained about anyone not making sense to me or misdirecting attentions to me or anyone else for that matter, life is not scary until you go out alone, and while my experiences in life may have been minimized to jokes compared to the fears others have experienced, my condition was permanent, and now voices is permanent condition (not existing since 2017 during the moment of self-harm), resulting from talking not acting in defense of others, or called to action by ex-leaders, everyone thinking everything is a reflection of them, know you hurt you leave you, and then if you get worse tell you again “its your own fault” that’s someone never having seen you well to begin with, and if everythings a joke to them, then figure out what its about and do your best to explain before its too late and joke amongst a few turns into something else, not being okay. I think all humor is okay, that’s not the point, and all taunting, given the Lakers connection, makes sense to others, and probably something I keep forgetting, and if theyre not on your team in life, they will never be on your team, and maybe a feeling I got when I thought to apply to the US Navy, not the reason for running everyday in Santa Monica, to highlight a case read in Constitutional Law, a Facebook Passwords Case watched on CSPAN this was Fall 2011, I think everything looks loud, when its read as in reaction to and that’s what is being sought what change and in reaction to what, what pain, and for whos identity was made known to make a joke no longer feel good and result in the US Navy on Messenger blocking me, and the US Army offering to hire if I qualify meet their requirements for basic training, Im almost too old to go, and I don’t think you can go on meds, the only problem otherwise Id leave work for them and live on a quiet reservation somewhere away from interpretation, but that’s not way to live life to stop living life, so I can see my time online turning into something else, not a fight but clarifications and that’s assuming too much about me or others, and may only subject me to more harm, the joke that cracked the camels back, or whatever icing was added on top, to make matters worse, Im not some Christmas Tree Mona Lisa, everyone can take their turn attacking for reaction that would be what voices feel like something in you talking to you, that you don’t want to be apart of thinking processes bothersome, and that’s just how life gets I think is the point they are trying to communicate through me, by hurting me to speak until I eventually say things to explain where they are coming from, so that someone else is supported at my expense heard, and leave me with no support, or support that is hurting me as though I would leave anyone dying to be heard, you got your revenge, and this is not revenge this is work. That’s where another is wrong, to hurt or come off too strong toward someone they do not feel loves them, as through Im supposed to be this nice sweet person and be spoken to like Im stupid, slow me down, make my head hurt, and then all of a sudden my light which is supposed to be reserved to empower me is used instead for an opposing purpose to cause me harm, disfigure my face and body and leave me to die among whom? That’s not how life is meant to be lived, speak for yourselves, not through me, do you. These are the Arguments to Label Me a Traitor:
(11) Since she was not caught on to progress, she will not be allowed back into the heard. (12) She is too focused on herself to know or pay attention to the game going on around her. (13) Thinking that she is safe no matter where she goes, an uninspirational tid bit of history. (14) Mentions things, prosecutes her for mentions, to later prove because of if happens. (15) All her questions about life, punished for, as being about defenses, so never looks good. (16) Will not stay good mentioning the negative, if so, others feel bad, means it was deserved then. (17) What was deserved then not deserved now, cannot argue in humor, rational not existing then. (18) Described by me, means the same would be thought of having put into words what happened. (19) Knowing you secretly and not respecting you, hurting your ability based upon someone. (20) Thinking your purpose in life is representation of guilt = loss of respect, destruction of intelligence, or incapacitate ones ability to think, or cause to think stupid with a dirty mind. [removed arguments] Edit (11-23-20): Removed private childhood timeline to speak to a bigger subject about growing up being professional handling everything you hear with grace, not get sick by things said to you that dont make sense, think too hard about it later, the disconnect of not bonding with someone seeing eye to eye or understanding eachother on a deeper level intellectually, thats when someone reads your work and applies what they have learned to you and takes your place in life as advocate to everyone, and leaves you feeling sick, or made to be responsible for your own thinking, which was on point. So thats the noticeable difference, the lack of femininity, thats being treated as gay, effeminate with you, and masculine around everyone else, thats them keeping their face when you lose yours means not that smart at sex anyways. So please just leave things alone, Im not dating for the rest of my life working from home, everyone so offended taking personally things I wrote past and treating me as though Im not beautiful, so be better than #ignorehate #likeness #superiority #intelligence #leadership #love #respect #admiration #blame #liability #thebigpicture #communications. (Link): https://www.mymollydoll.com/blog/cover-letters-cond-made-11-21-20 (Sorry if my face body and voice confused anyone with regards to what I am like on the inside, beautiful or secretive, ambitious, or angry, driven, or done, tired, dumb. I think when youre feeling dumb thats just low self-esteem the body and mind can heal itself but not by being mean back, usually when people give up, they dont intend to set limits and get angry with you, its that if your the problem, they suffer having not figured out what was going wrong, and thats leaving people behind in life, not looking out for them when confident or doing well, thats keeping problems to yourself, its always at your expense focused on the wrong things in life, and it will always be made an excuse of to explain why no one is in your life: sexuality, genetics, intelligence, jealously?) Watch out for the blues, when people are not well, then them transferring their negative feelings whether about you or others, let no one affect you, it’s a simple game, of people not well until you recognize an emotion that they could be feeling speak to what they are saying or something relevant to something they have said to insult you, watch come through your writing as though that’s how thoughts are made through feeling and transference of feeling from and to something you can see or by someone you do not know. There is power to being understood, and there is also something positive that can become of making sense maybe not inherent to the thoughts that others have of you, by observation known and memorized about you not forgotten, but maybe its your focus or ability to continue to speak is what makes them upset the fact that you can speak freely, as earned, a learned condition, not a condition of no remorse to impress upon anyone an adverse condition socially as the one trait I was thought to have inherited by luck, dismissal, rejections, or whatever it is that could be thought of as excuse for the other but at the same token not reserved as a point for insights as applied to me, for me, everything short, see, doesn’t feel good, ignore, and not make a problem of it to their own lives, that seeing someone and not needing someone, or seeing someone, and only hearing what they want to hear about you, something that matches that feeling of disdain upon looking at you, and so I gained 50lbs again and stayed in my room for four years only leaving to run or work, that’s being a trooper, not a problem to one not a problem to all, that’s not giving up in life that’s not being a problem to anyone keeping to myself, and that’s exactly how I wrote books and built a website, not bothering anyone, and not asking anyone for help, that was the solution to my problems, more me time, and less time wondering about appearances or what I look like or sound like, that’s why someone stays home, because they are not presentable not good enough for work, and too overweight to date etc be social, that’s normal, that’s not being a problem. The exchange of illness occurs when you are feeling okay, then chime into someone elses distaste for you, and actually hear the negative sometimes in a moment of silence, sometimes minding your own business, is when I get auditory delusions, that’s someone either talking about me to another or trying to talk to me, as though I cant hear them, until a physical change is rendered to my face or body that demonstrates to them that they have been heard and also do not make me feel good on the outside and now on the inside, that’s someone being experimental with your health, connecting to change you to understand themselves, and by the time they let go and feel better, you will not have known what hit you, the passing of any obnoxious energy with you present, is simply an adverse reaction between two people, someone busy, while the other juices up on the inside, and then puts you out in public so that you don’t feel good on the inside, like a taxi cab missing a clear left turn on the street and turns early into the street where you can only go left, that has happened to me twice, on my walk home in the dark scared, I was traumatized and aggravated, I started slamming my head into my front door several times until it bled, that’s someone getting hyper off of you and then feeling good also f-king with your head, so that you feel like youre gone, its something you cant wonder about, its them gone feeling good, and you not feeling good, and not able to carefully reflect to understand what was it that happened and what was it about you that made them think okay to do to you. What causes a more mature approach, sometimes stepping outside of yourself, works, that’s when you hear something you needed to hear, or hear something to offset whatever was worrying you about someone, and no longer feel the problem lying within you then come to understand the problem as possibly lying within in another, again that’s compassion, not feeling insulted by being given a hard time, Im sure in NY that explains why they shout at Taxi cab drivers and tell them which way to go, even if they have to tell them the exact route step by step, that’s not being bossy in a mean way, that’s not allowing your presence to make them think you stand out in a bad way, and then be bad to you back. That’s an innate understanding of managing someone you do not like, not compliant to their needs, and in the reverse insult them as though their presence or the sharing of air space offends their ability to live or be themselves as though the meds Im on, presents some contagious psychiatric condition of non-acceptance of me, that’s just how people are they know you and don’t respect you based on where they are from, and by what you look like, too healthy, meaning she must be someone bad healthy who stays home or someone bad healthy who cant work, or someone bad healthy because she takes adderrall. Whatever the f-king causes for hate are, its not justified, I am well because I am smart, and I was pretty because I was educated, and I was calm, because I have an even temper, and I was loved because I am loving, and I make friends because I can carry on a conversation, and I get sick when that much is not understood about me, treat me as a had she not been murdered no one would know you youd be nobody. Listen had I gone to Mezzaluna, we would still be the $hit and we still wouldn’t know who the F you are.
Originally Posted 11-19-20 When someone takes out their hate on you, that’s them feeling entitled to make you not remembered in life or history for that matter that’s someone getting rid of you in life and that’s not okay. I don’t wish to be insulted and I don’t wish to insult anyone for that matter whoever wants to be famous and write on Facebook and making a f-king page about whatever the F they want to write about be remembered for and so will I in case I die, that’s because my life matters to me, and their lives mattered to me, and even if my life was ruined by choices, so that I don’t matter to anyone, at least I still matter to me enough to live my life. So don’t you dare make death, dying, gun violence, homicide, bullying, or health about me, if you can save your lives by talking $hit and putting people in jail, then figure out a way to spare yourself anymore resentment for anyone else in life who is not in your life presently make that a factor to your wellness. [removed portion here]
That’s reserving my right to live life, free from hate, blame, torment, disability, and defamation. That is how I stop death from happening, by f-king living my life and not bothering anyone how I have been my entire life, lived alone for 14 years an academician, and whether you understand that, a need to become a working professional or not, don’t torment me about my sexuality or make fun of me as though I have not supported celebrities through their struggles or not empowered the common sense solution to bullying. So forgive me for being suicidal or getting carcinoma cancer and almost got ovarian cancer and died, if its not okay for me to die, its not okay for that to happen to me, therefore its something to report and not online. When you complain online people take sides, play victim, then do you dirty in life put you in jail. And that’s their revenge on someone who they think is privileged or who has lived an easy life, you don’t know $hit about life, struggle, mental health, sobriety, cocaine, addiction, dumpings, or bullying so spare me your gay insults and claim domination $hit about sex, no one wants you or you or you, its not about who is hot, its walking in 54 degree weather and my back gets flaming hot, and drive back and its foggy out. (There was some fog on the drive there, until it cleared by the running path). The perfect ending for hate, is me mentally ill in a hospital, while everyone gets hyper and makes money off of making fun of me, keeps going straight to the top, we built an elevator its called: mymollydoll.com. And they raised the minimum wage to $15 dollars an hour. So what the F is anyone complaining about when it comes to my health, you have your own health, why the F should it matter to you how Im doing, I will be fine, I am doing fine, I have bigger problems to deal with threats, death threats, conspiracy threats, intimidation by voices to cause schizophrenia, abandonment jokes dumpings, and a personality to fix. That’s being in recovery that’s not being about myself for myself, that’s being about myself for everyone. Things can only get worse before they get better, and with that said, it was fun for a period in time, but have since been without a phone and a computer for a month or so now, and doing just fine, eventually there is a stopping point, when it comes to making friends, and sharing correspondences, can turn into something that your not 100% sure will be frowned upon by others, and then when its shown, is exactly what happens, how stupid can one be, as though Ive not been called “retarded” my whole life, never with it completely to ever be in charge of anything at home, usually under the leadership of those more mature than me, or more social, that’s not something you keep up after drinking, once you get sick, that kind of ruins your social life, and you may have moments of fun later in life, but it will always be brought up what you were like before you started blogging, of course I was a better person, less social, in school and working at the same time mostly, and then you drink and that progress all falls apart. So if you don’t know whats keeping you from reaching your goals in life, not that Im an addiction specialist, Ive only been to rehab twice, and hospitalized 9x bipolar, and dated only in my 20s, I think its safe to say that nothing goes right for me if I drink, why I don’t drink, it doesn’t make me feel good, one to be misinterpreted by others as having fun, or two disappointing others drinking and not being social about it, that’s an obvious look of doing something wrong, drinking and also not wanting to be bothered social about it, means an addiction, to feel good on ones own, is basically an addiction unless its for work, its how you occupy your time, that you are ultimately observed and judged as whether on good merits you work hard well liked, or by story what you have to share about yourself and others that makes you who you are, its both maybe at this point, and with voices, it then becomes a struggle of who is influencing who for the better, someone criticizing you weakening your spirit, or someone who lets you be your happy shiny self, no matter what anyone else thinks, that part of me eventually stopped on Twitter.
Backstory: In High School, the upperclassmen took me off campus to smoke, and to inform me that someone present who was dating him, while a friend of mine letting me know, that he was spreading rumors that I gave him head on command, at the time I didnt even know how to give a blow job, so when I told my Brother what he was saying, I had to clean his blue car, he was gifted a blue M3, that we probably shouldve retired upon him moving to Boston, but the Explorer battery died. So basically it was conversations like that, that caused my Brother to not let me hang out with his friends, That makes sense,. SORRY TO MENTION, I KNOW IF I USE A WORD ITS MY OWN FAULT, TO SPEAK POLITICALLY CORRECT NOT SAY ANY WORDS WHICH WOULD BE OFFENSIVE TO OTHERS HEARING IT COMING FROM ME, NOT APART OF OR FOUND TO NOT BE SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS HAVING NOT BEEN THROUGH SOMETHING MYSELF LIKE IM TRYING TO PLAY BIG SHOT OR MATURE AS THOUGH HELPING FRIENDS IS SOME BADGE OF HONOR YOU TALK ABOUT TAKING CREDIT FOR ONE ANOTHERS WELLNESS OR MATURATION SPEEDS IN LIFE, I THINK WE ALL MATURE, REMEMBER THE GOOD YEARS. AND THATS NOT TO SAY THAT RIGHT NOW IS A MOMENT TO DISSECT THE PAST, IT RARELY EVER IS TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE PAST, IT USUALLY JUST SOUNDS LIKE AN EXCUSE OR FUEL FOR A FIGHT OVER WHATS APPROPRIATE. SORRY FOR BRINGING UP ANYTHING IMMATURE SOUNDING, AND KEEP UP WITH APPEARANCES, BE HUMBLE, KIND. |
AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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