Once the criticisms have left from your life, that means that you are doing well. Sometimes going backwards can lead to heartbreak … either through the sharing of your story, as told to others break hearts, or your own heart broken as realizing what has gone wrong and by realizing where you are now thankful that you are no longer in that same place in life. You will experience a lot of losses, none we hope due to social media use, I mentioned on my blog, that I think I met someone who had sent a friend request, and while in law school not participating on Facebook or Twitter, missed the friend request and did not accept the friend request of someone who later committed suicide. It’s a big deal to mention, now with fear of people blaming me, for his suicide, as though I was someone who knew him well or knew him personally, I don’t think we even met at the birthday party I attended Im not sure if he was there, and did not know him by face only by name, growing up. I think there is a lot of room for error online when it comes to rejections and sharing … as someone who shares a lot online, it’s a big deal when people ask to be your friend, and still do not accept friend requests only followers, to me its too much responsibility to be watched or to care for people who I do not know in real life, and to know me on a personal level how I am in private or among friends, I do not wish to be that close to everyone only a select few let into my life, even though I have no pictures mostly quotes in case anyone was wondering on my Facebook, collected over the years. I was not haunted by that experience as I was a law student and with a boyfriend at the time, that maybe explains why I did not accept the friend request … sometimes misunderstandings can cause assumptions, and if youre the one making those assumptions, its either by the guilt of self or guilt of others around you as from talking about you, that you may feel uncomfortable in life, everyone knowing something about you, you do not know they know about you. That’s not teaming up on a person, that’s just leaving someone out of the loop. Its really not until you mention your life to another, you get sized up as being a responsible party for the illnesses of others, when I started going to the hospital 2011, it was from lack of sleep, I had just started Abilify at that time … I had not yet been paranoid about my poster I bought in Boulder, or a TV-Show with the same apartment number as me, or song or film related to my experiences in life, to which I could relate to, its often not about you, I would hope not attacks on your good character, when you are doing well in life, with a boyfriend, treated as someone who doesn’t have it all or deserves to be talked about in the negative, that I think is unreasonable. I started blogging mainly because I am was not close to a lot of people growing up only had the same best friends my whole life 5 friends, and thought my story needed to be heard, not as talked about, become ill, and then felt like it was my responsibility to correct my reputation as heard about or abstractly looked at by others, I’m not embarrassing I was very professional in law school, was not a drinker, had only been hospitalized once, I was strong.
Much about life is remembering the good times, not just overfocused on where you are or are not in life. Often times when we are not feeling well, we will come up with excuses for why we are sick, why we are in a bad mood, or why we are not doing as well as we would like to in life, you really can’t blame anyone with a bad attitude, if you want to be one of the happy people in life, the its time to start realizing what you do have in life, not necessarily what you have to offer others, and by acknowledging all that you do have, that shows love and compassion for those who care for you, and that’s how to receive love and compassion from others. Until you realize what you have done wrong in life, or understand the consequences of what is going wrong with you in life, will others come to understand you better, as not someone at risk of harm to self or others, but be recognized as someone of value, not just by your privileges in life be deemed important, we are all important people, lifes not all about acceptance, some will not be forgiving of you by sharing what has gone wrong for you in life, and based upon where you are at now, will judge you in the negative, so long as you continue to stay where you are in life, and not move forward that’s all the more reason to reinforce those negative judgments of you, we are all deserving of living a good life, always prove them wrong, when in Rome, otherwise they will connect every news story to your newsfeed and blame you as a consequence of your mental illnesses if can be proven are a contributory factor to the poor decision making of others, or as though if like, in cohorts prove you wrong, that’s wrong to take someone who is well, and create a side towards them, and with the words that they use to help empower self and others, not necessarily similarly situated, be treated as someone trying to be an influencer and by those influences in life empowered, in fact it’s the exact opposite its my misfortunes in life and lack of opportunity, and struggles in life, that have empowered those who are not on my team in life, and that’s just a fact of life, not everyone will be for you, but choose to be against you in life, thinking youre not good enough, or strong enough, not deserving of living a good life, no matter how hard you work, judge you based upon how you were, not accept you as you are now, and based upon what they hear about you, assemble you in the wrong. Life is not about doing things for reaction or doing things in reaction to others, once you are hyper vigilant its hard to be creative or to fight negativity, its more like a crumble than it is a fight. That’s living for the moment, not worried about the past, but living for now, that’s hyper vigilance, which does not always mean looking out for others, but also means to look out for self, not because someone is doing something wrong, but concentrating on reading ones surroundings, to keep oneself out of harms way, so long as you look after yourself well, and do unto others as you wish done to you, then no one should worry about your condition just worry about themselves, if they have done nothing wrong to harm you, that’s the problem.
Understanding Gay …
For the most part I don’t think people try to understand people they abhor or grow a disgust for, and to further that hatred toward, people will do things to hurt the image of someone who is good, or who was good in the past, to make them look like they were gay at the time they were able to help others, it happens later in life, after you date 27 guys and do not get married, you eventually stop dating, at age 27. You have to move on in life, and allow people to move forward, don’t now hate on me and treat me as gay, when I was never gay and gave my everything to my boyfriends, and did my best to make things work, if they wanted better, than so be it, allow people to move forward, that doesn’t mean turn around and cause hatred toward someone as “wanting something they don’t have” or treat me as “wanting something others have.” I am not a jealous person, and to be made to say things in response to those who think less of me, is a waste of my time and energy and causes me self-harm. Self-harm is a result of a period of peace of success is reached, and then voices causing one to feel ill, and then see if they take their illness out on others or themselves, that is not a cause for mental illness in general, but a cause for my mental illness, to be treated by straight women as though Im being gay towards them, and for them to take offense to my straight-dom, not being gay toward them, or not having been gay in the past toward them, not making them a victim, but them making them the offender, for having treated me as gay, and proving them right if suicidal either (1) because they thought I was gay and am not or because (2) they think I was knowingly gay in the past, and knowingly made friends with people to further that feeling, no not true.
I’m Not Gay …
I’m not Gay, but that doesn’t mean that my feelings are not still hurt when taunted or ridiculed by women at large, that would be negative commentary as heard, upon driving by. Not that that doesn’t make me suicidal, but that is triggering to someone who for the most part gets along with all people, including women, so for a select few to have issue with me, treat me like I’m not successful or doing well in life finishing law school and with a job and offered a part-time job in tech, is really insulting. What are you doing with your life walking around town at 12:03pm, that’s really hurtful and not deserved, especially to someone who experiences chronic psychosis and is suicidal. I am not your experiment, I am not your friend, but I am also not your enemy. If there is anything keeping you from not trusting me, or not liking me, that is a manifestation of your unhappiness with yourself, not a product of me causing you unhappiness. I am on my way to the Doctor now to check my head and neck, I fractured my hand self-harming. I don’t think its anyones business, but I also do not think its appropriate to continue taunting me, they gave you bikes, scooters, bars, and apps to date and make friends, grow up.
What does Mental Illness Feel Like …
Upon trying to fix yourself, once you do everything youre told, and you still hear voices, well then youre not a product of addiction, or drug abuses, then what are you a product then. Be kind to all, including yourselves. You mostly want to hear your own voice, not the voice of others as someone who has called you “mentally ill” then benefiting from having read what you have written. I have no enemies in life, but few friends, that’s mostly because I don’t go out and choose to focus on work and career instead, I suppose that it something people make time for having friends and dating, but not something I choose to focus on. Whats mostly important is managing my own emotions and mental health issues, Im neither provocative with my language nor provoke others to follow or read from me, or solicit myself or my website or blogging to anyone, I have 33 followers on Twitter and over 100 Followers on Instagram, no I’m not trying to be famous Im writing, a book, and no I’m not Gay, I save everything, delete nothing and do no one, I guess that means Im bi and suicidal, which is a misidentification of someone who chooses not to have sex, that doesn’t mean that is the fault of anyone who Ive dated I talk to most of my ex-boyfriends who have always been supportive of me, have not fought with any of them, never been insulted by them while dating. All of them nice to me. Whenever a relationship ends that is not the time to start a new relationship, usually that means to be alone. As a writer all interaction is stressful, that’s part social anxiety, and part just not being comfortable around people, but comfortable with oneself, that doesn’t mean scared that just means not well adjusted. When you have everything and you are young you are well adjusted, depending on how you carry yourself and live life, you either keep that sense of comfort about you or lose it upon dating and giving your power away, that’s why its important not to date, until you have resolved your mental health issues. Since things got worse, then maybe I will never date again. That’s not to insult anyone, that just means not looking not fit right now. That doesn’t mean Im falling apart it just means Im doing well on my own … I lived alone 2004-2017.
Don’t give your power away, especially not to anyone who provokes or heckles you to see if you become something you’re not because they think just because you are overweight that you are grose or a pervert or a lesbian, or something so horrific, to damage your esteems by criticizing your well being. Whenever I am criticized this causes me suicide, ie harm to self, whenever someone thinks that they know me best and want to control me, I self-harm. Its usually when you are experiencing difficulties in life, people with nothing better to do, than to help you, no one is asking for help, need not be directly spoken to, as a contributory factors for mental illness or self-harm. That is not my responsibility to explain why my head hurts or why my hand is broken, its from hitting my head, and my hand accidentally hit the shower handle. That’s really no ones business, why I had surgery and fractured my hand. I don’t need anyone, I don’t need friends, I don’t need a boyfriend, I choose to be on my own and because I choose to be on my own, I have friends, I have boyfriends, and I have achieved success in life, given jobs, and will now be finishing my dissertation and going back to law school. Why boil life down to factors to initiate hardship to anyone as criticized, or to hurt anyone minding their own business, to be as described, make me look like Im looking at others, or jealous of the health of others based upon my status or by how I look not 140lbs, I have been 140lbs a size 2-6 my whole life. When I lost weight that was for me, to achieve my ideal not to look like anyone as an ideal for all I know I still felt and looked fat, had dysmorphia, at 123lbs, kept running everyday and eating junk food once a day, salads, or a sandwhich, that was my diet. If someone cannot be positive toward you that’s not my responsibility to correct that’s too much work to correct someone thinking toward you who is shouting at you or calling you names, in my mind I’d rather be dead than fight with anyone, and Id rather not have anything written on my blogs, that caters toward anyone hatred toward me, not existing at the time, I wrote @mymollydoll on Twitter, I was not feeling well after leaving a 28 day hospital stay, I was not suicidal but with a job when hospitalized, arrested in public, publicly humiliated, why I ran on the beach in purple headphones. That does not mean I was suicidal it just means I can publicly humiliate myself.
Always be there for your friends, you never know during what times of need, we need help most, usually you spiral downward faster than you're able to tell, trust that your friends, know you best, care about you, can tell when you're well or not doing well, and its okay to heed advice from friends, sometimes they know better.
No One Can Control You ...
No one can control you, not your coordinates in life, not your focus, not your inertia, or drive or what makes you tick, focus, or react, you can control your mind as much as you ca control your body, and if disabled, with proper medication management and talk therapy support, you too can achieve again a well mind, part of that means discipline, working through the pains of sitting in one place, and working on something until it gets done, and part of that pain is not worrying what other people think, or the perpetual feelings of loss ie loneliness, that occurs when one is working on themselves. There is so much to be lived in life, so many hours to each day, so long as you do as your told, and not respond to others when youre not feeling well, no eye contact is required, sometimes its best to keep your head down, people don’t have to change to accommodate the needs of others, be read by eye contact, and then be treated as weird for making eye contact in life, that may be beneficial in working environments or among family at home, but not in most professional spaces or in public, I prefer head own still sorry. I just spoke to who I think is my Doctor, for “bones” is his preference, and asked him to call the Trevor Project, like the guy in the trench coat walking down Gretna Green, after I jokingly requested to #FreeMadoff, on his cell phone, because his son committed suicide, and that’s an issue to which I understand and can relate, that doesn’t mean I have to solution, it just means everything I’ve done since was to better my life, as recommended by my Father, and to always do my best. Similarly walking down San Vicente, recorded myself talking, art imitates reality. The yearbook editors name was Trevor, who famously posed similar to “I’ll never forget.” A caption overhead the one who took my virginity, in high school, boyfriend at the time, the composition was submitted. I later in a panic attack blacked out the similar pose. I don’t think either party was being smart or racist toward anyone, just that a later revelation of the subliminal references to current events, seemed daunting … overcoming suicide, not common sense or common worry, but definitely something the yearbook staff covered 2003. When they wrote “voted most shady” over my head … it was meant as a “term of endearment.”
Whenever new people come into your life, that’s a gift, of not knowing someone, and them not knowing you, you only have opportunity for so many first impressions, until everyone knows you, and by those titles in life, forced to live by, within the confines of negative judgments or poor judgment of you. You can only get so much positive reinforcement in life, there is not cure for mental illness, and addiction but positive thinking and medical treatment, ie meds that reinforce positive behaviors and thinking patterns, but you are mostly left by yourself to live the hours or your life, choose your surroundings wisely if possible, and make the most of your time on earth. You don’t need to be on the same page as anyone in life to know and understand the difference between what is well and not well, or who is smart, or who is not smart, and who we can identify as bad, and not intelligent deserving of poor treatment [is not the job of the public to decide but for courts to determine who is well, mental health wise, or fit for life and who is deserving of punishment or installment to hospitals], [any] public discouragement of others ability to maintain wellness is not appreciated that includes the improper maintenance of public spaces around you, your health, and the hearing space around you, as it affects others, not limited to your cellular devices, thats common sense, who is in your phones is not common sense, as listening or reviewing your work for criticism, hurt to make public what goes on in the privacy of your phone or computer, thats not valuing a website, but hurting a person, to devalue their work, based upon hurting their abilities to work, once you hurt someones ability to work and/or marry, allow them to live until 8pm each day, and leave them alone … [these are my] self-identified, causes for illness, as thought in connection or as though connections existed that ruined current connections, every person that comes into your life, serves a purpose to remind you to take care of yourself [not trust stranger[s], to the defense of those attacking me, and to always report to the police, in defense of me being careless with my body, as though I was suicidal or careless as well, everyones good health is deserved, poor health is never deserved, and we are each responsible for living the hours of our lives as best we can], ... I understand that every first impression matters, [it doesn't matter how short or long your life is, once you feel like you matter, then do your best to prove to others that you matter too, otherwise don't call attentions to yourself, as conservative negative attentions are not deserved, nor to anyone doing their best appearance wise, health wise, weight wise, beauty wise, or fitness wise, "to each their own"]. Always dress to the nines [at public functions, that is when you are expected to be a complete person, upon arriving to an occasion, if you cannot be at your best for every occasion that is for no one to judge you by, your looks, or wealth], be contentious of your public appearances, especially if you are a writer [presently working] online, is how you will be judged in person [as self-employed, and by what standard you will be judged by, certainly not applying for a Shorty Award if "chronic[ally] [experiencing] psychosis" on meds as directed, thats not suicidal, thats having difficulty taking meds at 8pm wanting to sleep at 5pm, a private battle with mental illness thats really no ones business to mislabel me as suicidal until I become suicidal hurting myself or others who care about me, hurt if I feel like giving up in life, or get suicidal, thats when everyone gives up on you, when you self-harm, thats how you get hurt by others, is upon your first failure, which is hardships you encounter by the use or misuse of alcohol or drugs, its to free others from blame, once you take accountability for your past failures in life, not relive the same mistakes, suicidal]. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, that is one common quotation, for people to read and then hold an opinion of you, and by what you share, for a greater opinion of you to be held, and understood, to build any alliances as for the public good to hold negative opinions of people, well for some as televised deserved and for some not deserved. Learn to let things go in life, and let people heal themselves and move forward … “time heals all wounds” quoting my Ex, if you choose career well then focus on career, if its your dream to finish law school well then focus on your dream, and as I was told once you “better yourself,” and are put together then you can have and achieve those things in life. Until then you are not expected to have it all in life, that is an assumption that one who does not have it all is not successful or cannot achieve success, and that there is some character default other than drugs or alcohol which explains why they are alone, it’s a choice. #stopsuicide Some people were not meant to be in relationships some need to work on themselves, until then it is for no one to judge those who chose to be alone, unmarried, unfit.
Any guided discussions online are for the sole and primary purpose of creating a timeline of positive discussions which can be filtered and organized sorted accordingly based upon interpretation or by what is valued from what has been written. That is the primary purpose of a blog, to have some thoughts recorded, an elaborate timeline of thoughts, or of processing events and disclosures made by others, that’s no ones duty to record their thoughts, but it is very generous or those who so willingly share their two cents. Whenever it gets noisy there follows a period of disorganization, followed by hyperactivity of thoughts, either past or presently associated to whats currently going on, and then a more formal approach taken.
If any discussion requires continued discussion then it is not helpful as about others, specifically, but wastes more time, and causes more harm than good. There are times when looking at someone you are certain they are in the wrong, or certain they are someone they are not, or certain that things are about them, and to make about them, be certain, cause the sharing of stories, to include them to cast you out as described as apart of a class of individuals who have knowingly caused harm to others, that would be utilizing characters in a story in jest to cause suicide knowingly to someone who as through the process of defending themselves, become physically and mentally ill, wasting energy to describe running on the beach. That’s a purposeful infliction of emotional distress, and mental illness, to someone who is minding their own business, to cast likeness toward and push for suicide toward as people famously past have committed suicide in the face of prosecution, running on the beach in headphones because my headphones kept breaking, is a $300 investment, not to be apart of, I did not buy pink headphones I bought a color that no one has, please leave me alone. #stopsuicide
If a guided discussion is required to stop suicide or stop suicide attempts, then it become me justifying why I am made sick by others, and that its not deserved then further proof is required, and then blame is placed upon others, as deserving of negative voices and suicide, no I do not deserve negative voices and suicide, I deserve to live, and have earned it, attending two law school, working this year and writing 5 books, I do not deserve attack this year as well.
If a guided discussion is required … that only leaded to continued disruption of mental health and well being, reinforcing illness, not helping others to think well. Once you start naming names, and citing to stories, for reference, then all stories from your life, get referenced, and based upon what is known about you, harm is justified, however suicide is not justified, that is just communicating to the opposition, that their use of force is justified in affecting your ability to work or write in peace, as though you are under the influence of hate, when it is they who as reacting to you, are under the influence of hate toward you, to which you are now responding to many months later, no harm is justified in either case, where mutual understanding and compassion cannot be provided, a separation is required of individuals, why I got a gym membership, just because I am not fit to run on the beach, does not require hate toward me to remove me from the beach, everyone deserves to go to the beach, its not owned by anyone.
If a guided discussion is required, and an unsettling response provided having had this discussion, then allow people time to heal, and move on, with their lives, not reinforce negative judgments of them until (I commit suicide) I have moved on, do not attack me. If you don’t like me ... don't cause me suicide or mental illness, thank you.
Leslie A. Fischman
There is an ongoing abuse of content, provided that individuals who are not doing well, get used, as reference, to greater causes, that is a situation where permissions are generally needed, and thought because in one case that was permitted that in all cases future that type of action is permissible. Treatment of all people should be done fairly, and a misuse of someones information provided, can cause someone who is the original provider of information to look bad, or to look like its okay or permissible to handle their information in that way, that any information not in the public sphere provided in the public sphere is okay to use, because it is assumed that information taken down, is information that can be used by someone else and put back up, that is then drawing unwanted connections and outtings of information made public then private or private then forced to re-publicize information, to highlight causes or people, to whom one is not attached, that is not the reason I said “mountain back” in reference to a movie title, its because someone who called me “mentally ill” after fighting with his girlfriend who hooked up with my brother … and I committed suicide, photo’s with a mountain at his back. They broke up, following him throwing her clothes in the street, and picked up the clothes, when consoling him, I put my hand on his back, that’s something between us, not about the passing of “Heath Ledger” who was in “Batman,” I walked out of a movie, because it was too controversial for my taste, but in attendance not knowing she was in the movie, but later sent her a message on Instagram to apologize for walking out, and let her know.