What you connect your head to counts, and when you cannot be connected to means that your head is connected to something else, that is affecting your communications with others, how someone uses your body to speak to you speak through you, or speak on behalf of someone you have helped, and then make you look like you talk about your communications as though you understand how to represent others. There is being naturally defensive, and then there is hurting someone who you think is offending your best interests which others are defensive about, not everyone has the time for love, companionship if its whats helping, there is not need to take things beyond, and how you are is always who you are in the moment, there is no such thing as acting or behaving or being a certain way to be accepted, there is no such thing as holding back who you are on the inside if its not you, then whatever you are will show up on your face, and that is what is done to you, to make you look like a “monster” or “manly” or a “pervert” or “gay” and others made to feel victim to you based upon what you know or see, claim that you become what you see, or that you think like your exposures in life, and when it all gets convoluted, where is your head, gone, and making your head feel gone, is to to say that something about you is what makes other people feel strong, and no including you is because you are not good enough to be represented by others, so appreciate things as they are, the more you make things about you, the more things become about you, and now this is the voice of someone who is trying to be gentle and when someones words are not wanted, that is being changed or insulted and then getting me to speak in a way, as though I am claiming myself down, through talking to myself online, as though I don’t have an audience of people who care which days I am not well, and which days I am well, and when it matters to them who I am connected don’t make assumptions, and treat me as traitor, or bait for the taking or misuse, as though one who is disinterested is suddenly interested and interested in making me look bad in front of the world, that is being treated as though you are insulting, and that occurs when someone is insulted by you, if I cant see you, then why am I nauseous, and it may have nothing to do with what a person looks like, and that’s not a joke I don’t change shapes and sized, my head was never small or misshaped, and my body has never been lose or not put together lop sided or obese. So I understand if people don’t like me are not attracted to me, do not think Im smart or do not believe in me, and now I sound small and now I sound immature, its always within your control, who you choose to respond to and why and it will always be what you respond to that others will think youre connected to and that’s how they think they know what your thinking, what your thinking of, what your looking at, why you look weird, what it is youre thinking that has caused you to look weird, whos spirit you’ve inherited, what things are about, what choices you have made, and who scared who in life and who was left alone in life, I was left alone in life, I lost my smarts, I was not sharp enough for a job, and I have never cared about who was making fun of me or when or why, so don’t now make that the basis for posting a photo of a sailboat, I have never been a sex addict, I have had two major boyfriends, or otherwise single, and my dating life is none of the business of anyone, what works out for me and why things are not working out. And it will always be beacsue of you appearing well and people not thinking well of you that you lose your smarts, your intelligence, you cannot stay well, you cannot cannot, you stop trying in life, and to see how dumb you are, and what can be done with someone when their mind is gone upon connecting. So that’s being attracted to wellness and speaking to it, ignore it, and stay away from people who are well, that’s how you lose your wellness and others become offended by you, there is no such thing as kinship or getting to know someone who everyone already knows and the point of things no longer become helpful is when whos happiness is at stake, someone who is not made to feel happy by you, who hurt you, because they thought there was something wrong with you, or something you have said that made them not trust you or sound like you were in a position of importance and didn’t know what you were doing in life. So that’s things going well for you, being hurt, then things not going well for you, and you not having remembered why things were going well for you, and what based upon your memory or what has said was what was keeping you well, and that’s when your life is in your own hands and no one can help you with that, not through talk therapy to your heart, whatever 911 tapes were funny to people, no matter who people thought I was or becoming, no matter what was funny then and not funny now, and when I was not smart and on Provigil being made fun of for what I looked like. So that’s how hate starts, nice, then you not connecting well or able, then them offended and making fun of you or your lack of importance or who you are in life, and that’s others living life without you, which if you don’t know them well and not well enough to connect should not feel offended by.
When you look stupid, apologize and move on. If its not you being insensitive, don’t discontinue being sensitive to what others are going though, add to those differences in opinion or chaos, if its your life you need to live, then stay well, and not meddle into the interests of others you would know nothing about not being important yourself, that’s when help is not needed, when you are not well and try to help, is how you look stupid, and when you are nice, that is when you get reminded of how fragile your life is, and if you cannot stay well is why you become separated from people who did like you and did approve of you who cannot deal with someone who is not happy, thinks those who were nice to her harmed her, and not in reality, thinking about others in terms of what is going wrong for them instead of thinking about what is going right for them. Its very disheartening when you become the bearer of words sounding bothered by things your not bothered by or by the expressions of others as to subjects that concern them. So when rejection hurts or a block, that’s you not being well enough to connect or be loved, and that’s how looking stupid or being stupid makes you not a good fit for most things in life: love or job. When others lose faith in you that’s a manifestation of their anger or frustration with you not being well, or seeming gone, or miscommunicated to, and that’s not your fault, we all endure pressures by image and reputation and that is not the fault of anyone who is made to feel sick, or made to feel sick by others, we will not always approve of one another and if once a source of strength, and also be considered a disappointment, which no performances can aide you in rising to any conditions and make others feel good when you have arrive to whereever it is that you found yourself to be a better person, or feel like yourself again: through blogging and messaging, people will eventually understand monogamy when it hits, that’s someone who was kind to them and opened up to them was present, and its only until youre gone that others realize what has been done to you, whether deserved or not, that’s losing a connection in life. So I may have worked hard this past month and some days non-stop talking, but without blogpros and likes, I don’t think I felt the same or others without affirmation that I am being watched or what has been said approved of. So what was it exactly that made you give up in life? If it was voices then that’s a medical condition to consult your doctor about, and why showing up to appointments is important no matter what is said keep confidential, and that’s okay for them to size you up, that’s what doctors are for, to address where you are, and to help you improve not become worse no matter who you open up to, or show your face to, pretty or not pretty, well or not well, that much others will not come to appreciate about you, what you looked like before you got well, and how you were when you were not well. You only have one life to live, and there is not deeper concept to value another human being other than recognizing when they are well. Some moments get lost, in miscommunications, defenses, taking things too far, and you are never destroyed until you are made to feel sick and not having been apart of anything that has gone well, and that’s how you become unimportant, nothing to self-harm about. And if you cannot help and when you have tried to help things have not gone right, then you running looks like defense, you supporting organizations looks like fault, and you reporting to the courts looks like you are in a situation you cant get out of, and that’s to treat you as hostage as though you do not value the lives of those who were ever held hostage, and that’s not recognizing the importance of allowing the justice system and the police force to intervene and to help set things right, and that’s you missing out in life when you get made to feel sick, people not on board with you, so don’t blow things out of proportion, we have all lived life long enough to know when it hurts, when too much is too much, and when good people are not to blame for the actions of others, whether made similar or dissimilar, base wellness solely on who is shining. So if you do have a condition treated by meds, be happy wherever you are in life, you may be on meds for the rest of your life and that’s okay and that much about you others will not understand, if you have no history of violence, or self-harm, or voices except when under the influence of a substance, then there is no reason why sober, or on medications that prevent voices you should get voices. I think it’s the tendency to say the wrong things is what offends people not in support of you, that much cannot be taken back, what you have said, and who was offended by what you have shared, no matter where it is said, not acceptable anywhere, so that’s misunderstanding life and maturing too late, never act in defense of self whenever someone is talking to you, that’s not what hurt feels like, it hurts when no one is talking to you, and that’s when someone has a problem with you, so accept the moments when life is peaceful that’s not something that needs to be helped or corrected in order to achieve, and I don’t need to go to the hospital when I am not well anymore I can stay home. Im sorry I shared where I was and where I am now, and the moments that either made or broke me in life, and Im sorry if ever I allowed voices to hurt my feelings or became some other version of a human being that was not myself, that’s happens, you hear things and when you don’t like what you have heard, not feel well, no one can talk you back to sanity, or away from self-harm, that means leaving a situation in where you are being made to self-harm, its not deserved it means leave whatever is causing you illness, and do your best to move forward, there is no later life past the point of harm, that’s when you allow everything to affect you, so apologize move on, and stay separate from everyone until you are well again, and don’t self-harm no matter what voices you hear in life, if I am not controlling what other people think, then there is no need to control me, to enable others to think more or less of me or my family is the point. You get to vote and pick who to represent you in life I did not vote in 2008, and I did not vote 2013, so that’s where I stand, and I did not vote 2017. So Im not sure what past Im reliving but its something to do with who I am what I look like what I share and what are the causes for voices, and its not fans, its when I am quiet, its someone talking to me that’s not by phone, and not by neighborhood, its I can hear someone, and Im not writing, and Im not doing anything wrong, and its by what is shared, that you become sick, by what people see, and if you self-harm its because someone thinks poorly of you, and that’s why you become sick when youre alone, its by a negative judgement, which you will not know, and no one will tell you, its what happens to your life when you are not paying attention, why you end up with no one in your life. So from here its either move forward, without forgiveness, write until I can get a job, or work online and maintain value or what it is I am working on, and not self-harm or make public my struggles in life or my thinking when things are not well that is how things get made to not be well again. So Im sorry for anyones lives that have met my life, and Im sorry if anyone got to know me who now later resents me, Im sorry I did not get married and did not get a JD. Im sorry for talking about the past, and Im sorry for trying to be strong and running everyday or for whatever looked like a joke, I have never had anyone hate me in my entire life and Ive never been strong enough to look like I could ever threaten the relationship of anyone who is well with whomever they are well with.
When you are not feeling well you attract nothing in life, no replies, nothing you can do will make people think of you, respond to you, or view you in the positive, not if you don’t. Why its important to always take things with a grain of salt, that’s not always understood by instinct or feeling, a condition that needs to be corrected, occurs within you, not something that can be said to make you feel better, not after the damage has already been done, which speaking to can only make things worse not better. There is always something that can be done in the event you have been harmed, never give up in life, don’t self-harm, don’t get suicidal, don’t drink, and don’t allow any amount of feeling overwhelmed, embarrassed, or not able to speak interfere with your ability to live life as you are, that’s life its tough, and if you perceive things to be worse than they are, then its by your condition that you are rejcted from care, based upon how you appear, what they see of issue having to do with you, and that’s not how to get well or to be treated well, appearing as someone who doesn’t care what people think, or doesn’t care about themselves, someone who cares about themselves, does not wish harm upon others, some separations are for maintaining wellness, with respect in regards to who is more important, and Im never that someone that needs anyone to care for me, worry about me, love me, or be friends with me, I don’t need replies in life in order to know right from wrong, I need to not connect with anyone privately, not through work, not by email, not to court, and not to police, and learn how to be well on my own, whether or not I am trusted, and that will not occur through modeling, writing, or singing, if there is nothing that can be done there is nothing that can be done, and that much everyone has to respect about others, their right to fix their own condition and get well again. Sometimes space is necessary in order for people to be okay with eachother, once the damage has been done that space cannot be filled with anything that can help the condition of someone who is not supported by another, to look like a “decrowned joke” or a “China joke” or a “Germany joke” or a “war joke” or a “violence joke” or a “rape joke” or a “world peace joke” or anything relevant to defend yourself in not liking me, if my tears don’t inspire you to try harder and dig deep then it shouldn’t be something to photo, times when Im sad, or not doing well and not knowing what things are about, and its not love, its not respect, and talking to people is not how that occurs, it’s the exact opposite, someone trying to look better, someone putting you down, and someone hurting you as though you have ever offended anyone by what you look like, the size of your body, or need to be told to love yourself in order for you to love yourself, if I didn’t love myself I wouldn’t be alive, if I didn’t love myself I wouldn’t have gone to law school, and if I didn’t love myself I would not be liked, and that beauty in my eyes, is having been through hell and back, and not complaining or sharing grose photos of myself to let others know the moments when I have been gone or struggled that’s something that’s not entertaining when someone is not doing well. I have an edd.gov appeal appointment today, you can take the other $6000 and please everyone leave me alone, I don’t need your support, I don’t need the defamation, I don’t need a negotiator, I don’t need ads, I don’t need a pimp, I don’t need a friend, and I don’t need an attorney, if your going somewhere that’s where you end up, no Thomas Guide required, so if you are thinking things are about fires, missing planes, and rape then maybe that’s what things are about, and Im not your prime example of someone who has not had a hard life, or life has been any easier for me than anyone else, we are all affected when someone gets hurt, and if I cant manage a problem on my own that is why I called the courthouse, I write to the US Supreme Court, and why WHO contacted me, because if things are happening to me on a small scale, then there is good reason for something to happen to me on a large scale upon presenting myself to the world, and that’s why I am being attacked, Im not a secret person, a secret story, or a secret person to hurt, and appear insensitive to the needs of others, expecially victims of crime, or violence, and if you don’t respect that I am a victim of crime or a victim of unwanted touchings in life, then you don’t respect my story and my place in life, which cannot be taken by another with or without a crown, make fun of someone else, who doesn’t represent themselves well, Im not that person, I don’t have money, I don’t have a job, and I stayed well on my own, not bothering anyone, so Im sorry I messaged anyone, Im sorry anyone got to know me, and its my job to live the rest of my life, and not be a source of pain to anyone in life, and not self-harm or be punished simply for talking to someone and doing everything that was asked of me, help I didn’t need in life, don’t take my beauty from the world, and stop commenting and emailing me, I don’t want to talk to anyone right now. This is the voice of someone who wants to stay home for the rest of their life, who doesn’t want to work for anyone, who doesn’t want friends, who doesn’t want a relationship, this is the voice of someone with a bad attitude, who doesn’t appreciate all that they have achieved, doesn’t remember their well moments, who doesn’t remember all the good times, and who says everything to cause others to feel better than and realize that they are not where I am in life, and this makes no one relate to me, no one understand me, and no one can respect someone who has it good in life and who cant feel well and is easily affected by everyone, then who wins? Everyone. So why should I be affected and end my life if everyone is mad at me, how is that supposed to “teach me a lesson” I don’t care who your princess "or female role model is in life, and if it not me, so be it, but dont hurt me or my female role models in life and talk $hit about my Mom Please dont call my Mom I dont give out her number I dont need anyone to talk to my Mom for me about me I tell her everything please leave my family alone. Please don't treat me as though thats going to cause me shame and embarrassment, pick on someone else genetics I was born in Santa Monica, I lost weight for myself because I could not keep a man, dont label me a home wrecker to your story, if I was not a nice person I would not have been loved or asked for love from, and thats the end of that discussion. Im a woman and a human being and I can get hurt to, I don’t have to run, write or be strong for everyone, but I do have to run write and be strong for myself. Why should that bother anyone? This is when things could have gone well for me had I stayed well, and why things don’t work out for me when I am doing well, its something that is going for me that someone else does not see me as, then without potential you end up nowhere in life, and that cannot be corrected until you are able to stay well will you be allowed to work, date and have friends, and that’s the condition I am in now, to better others, at my expense, to end up alone and expected to be sad, to admire others and feel jealous as though I don’t have the same things going for me in life, its then not about body image but about weight, its then not about beauty but about my face, its then not about my voice, but something someone is thinking looking at me, and not caring about who I am or where I am from, or by who I know, all they care about is writing a list of things about me to pep talk themselves into not liking me or to justify their hatred toward me, so that I become discriminated in life as though I deserve it because of what I sound like, what I feel like, like I need sex to be loved, or that someone else needs to see my sex in order to love me, so don’t make fun of my body, don’t make fun of my face, don’t make fun of my voice, don’t make fun of my family, and don’t make fun of writing, don’t make fun of my brain, and don’t make fun of me if I report, that means Im not in a gang, if I don’t have money that means Im not spending, if I don’t have a job, that means Im not being hired and that should make everyone happy, you don’t need to destroy me as though Ive live a bad life have ever been an unhappy person, that’s not the solution, then you defend Brady, then you fight overseas, then you let other Countries make fun of us or our movies and songs, that’s why Im on IMDb. Learn to value people and their humanity its not all about being perfect, and if I look like Ive lived a perfect life that’s because I have made more right decisions than wrong, so take all my blogs, take all my books and figure out how to make money for yourselves, I don’t need money I need a home not a husband, and I need a job to have a home, not a boyfriend, and I need my website to get a job, not to stay home and do nothing, that’s putting my life to good use, and its better than being used for sex, which gets you nowhere in life, that’s not a club, that’s my BODY. Leave me alone.
[removed] "Common Takeaways" because it resulted in others thinking others see me poorly, people who know me, did not speak well to me, one Ex, thinking everyone thought something negative about me.
= Losing another 30lbs, Im 165 lbs, I was 192 lbs, and losing 30 more lbs, go back to being confident.
If Im okay with myself everyone is okay with me, thats the solution, its always something thats occuring for you internally that affects how others respond to you, why to always see things in the positive, and if you look like someone to fight then that is how other people treat you, as though you are ever bothered by other people, so until you accept yourself as you are, will you adjust accordingly to all people regardless what is occurring for you internally or externally to someone else upon looking at you, thats always in your control how you look and appear, not a condition that is ever not in your control, so so long as you like yourself you will be you, no matter who harms you, thats not something that can be taken away from you your brain, your face, your disposition, your personality, or your identity, there is always room for improvement, better yourself. And dont self-harm, stay out of trouble, and dont be an expense to others, not a worthwhile investment take good care of yourselves, take good care of your family, and do your best not to subject yourself to fighting in public because your head is small, because you self-harm, because you get aggravated, or because you dont see the positive in your experiences in life turn out to be a better person, not end up worse off.
Sincerely, Leslie A. Fischman
How when someone thought to hurt me in defense of people he thought hurting me was a strategy for protecting others from harm as though thats what makes people strong, or to make me look like I was asking for it in a sexual way, so that he can make things look like I came on too strong or someone who comes on to people and is worthless on the inside, takes love away and then people who know me which is like 5 people got hurt and their health failed, that doesnt mean Im important that means dont hurt me to cause me suicide, to defend another suicide, thats not saving lives thats hurting me and my life for reaction controlling me, if you can see a doctor then its not my condition that needs to better someones condition who is not happy with me, I can talk to whoever I want thats not sex, until people ask for photos to use to make fun of you and take money from you, so dont put me down and expect me to die to see who will be affected, everyone was affected when I did not sound smart or look smart and that cannot be repaired something done professionally ruined to make me look like an offender, Im not having sex for the rest of my life, if Im blogging or have a website that must mean Im a professional and dont need sex.
Be nice to women, no matter whether you think theyre a whore or trash. All women are affected when you hurt a woman, and the forced to pick teams in life, and a lawsuit didnt make my life any easier when I was trash it was not necessary to prosecute me to defend others, when nothing bad happened, I dont need AA meetings, I dont need help from anyone, and I dont need anyone on the news or anywhere to tell me what has gone wrong in my life, like interacting with me is going to be misunderstood as a sexual encounter I have never flirted with anyone in my entire life, and next time anyone who is talking to me I will not make eye contact and will not talk to because that may be mistaken as permission to F me. Which is why modeling is a worthless endeavor if you get labeled an offender then no one wants to see your face or your body and they dont care for your writing, because no one cares why you have mental illness now or not well, and its not until you get fat, and look grose that they have won keeping you away from everyone in life.
#stopsucide WHY Im losing 60 lbs and not having sex, because everyone complains now nothing is ever good enough and people forget what is important trying to stay in on a good feeling that I cannot provide someone feeling well or smart and me not being included in anything going well in life, then dont hurt me to prove a point and stop talking to me, thats not me rejecting someone who loves me, thats someone who hurt me because they love other women more than me and think I hurt other peoples health.
Originally Posted 12-17-20
Once you are misrepresented, that loss of control is what sparks internal discord, that makes you not sound like yourself, and after all the progress you have made, no one probably expects me to be perfect but would have probably preferred me to stay in a mode that was general learning how to blog and sharing tutorials, which takes work, and a lot of effort to learn and then teach back, I don’t think making use of a well made website for other purposes would be of a benefit to me or others. I think it was something that has affected me self-harm, and maybe something someone new did not see coming, or was not afraid to interrupt my progress, and that’s then speaking through me to represent another, so that they appear well and I don’t appear well, so that’s saying things in a way with recognition for where someone else is coming from, and probably explaining them better than anything they have done or said to communicate their support of me, which cannot last indefinitely, so when you begin saying things in the wrong, it could be that someone else is being helped, but never give up in life, and if it is a big deal that’s not me being dramatic, so please understand that Im not a machine, that’s cerebral, or trained in law school to speak for an indefinite period of time in a way that does not cause me internal conflict or another for that matter, who cannot be proven right and who also does not need to be proven right via me suffering or failing, so that’s why blogging continued and I did not hospitalize myself, and probably how self-harm occurred that’s not not liking those who are portrayed in that way, its that I cannot be portrayed in that way because I have gotten in trouble, therefore I cannot be sexual with anyone who does not like me, and if Im made to perform and then get tired that was me doing my best, that love was not given to another willingly, its another trying to convincing you or a life you already have that they claim to be able to provide to you, and its your shoes they get to stand in with pictures of you to make you look like you offend others and are sexual with people, that is why I will not have sex for the rest of my life, I think my life is too important, the lives of others are too important, and nows not a good time for heartbreak, and that was not a fun experience, and while it may have affected me talking about it, or setting a boundary online will not make things better, it only justifies me being attacked, as though I am complaining ever about the love that was given to me that I appreciated no matter what it looks like to others, was not as painful as my private life being made known to have looked any differently, communication wise, you are either well and someone accepts you for what happened to you, or people lose respect for you based upon what your pictures look like not seeing your one moment of pride requested for, thought sent to another or for the purposes of someone wanting to have sex with you who has already had sex with you, there are no advanced courses in dating, its some people just want to see what you look like to decide whether or not they are attracted to you and that’s how men are and Im okay with that, and any questioning of my sexuality, occurred when in a loving relationship thinking that I was something that I was not, and if you ever think about being gay and disclose that you have thought about it, it wont actually happen not if you become sick or have mental health issues then no one will be happy with you because you will not be good for what they need to make them feel better, why its important to always be strong, and that’s not to overpower the interests of anyone, I was not raised to be someone who can be relied upon, or not able to be myself, as though Im not able to take care of another I was not raised to live a fast life or take chances, or be experimental with my health or the health of others, that’s something you experience in your younger years, but by college is too late to party and same with law school, it generally brings out the worst in you, where you could have still had all your friends, and been in all the clubs had you not experimented with your health, and me later thinking I was gay, was not to cover for an issue experienced by anyone who introduced me to cocaine, that’s not coverage, to inherit a position to protect a position and that’s not innate, that’s being affected by losses and be careful with how you live your life, as others may come to view things differently, and its no one fault whenever there is disappointment, which is why my dance major friend who is open and who I did not hook up with, supported the hashtags I was promoting out of the goodness of her heart, she lives in a stronger town, and smiles in every photo lives a good life, and that’s what friendship is for, not to talk about your years growing up, and Ive never purposefully not tried to remember the best years of my life, I think things got complicated when you return to a state that you don’t have friends in and I did not anticipate that going out and making friends, would be the very factors that would cause people to not like me or think I was a slut, that’s when pictures in your diary get examined, in a picture with someone with a record, who you did not have sex with, who was released upon your senior year and were not the friendly freshman you were when you had no friends and played video games with them. So now its whats your story and matching words with my story to think that people lives lives matching my story or were subjected to intimidation by my story, I think I was always well in law school, I think you either focus on school, date, have friends, play club soccer, go to the gym, drink, or get good grades taking yourself seriously, and that’s the difference between being comfortable at school to not doing well and not participating and not getting good grades, means that you weeded yourself out and that’s okay. For whatever its worth whoever did or did not know my story, its never been a sad story, and have never talked about people from my life, to subject anyone to being known who did not want to be known people never knew me that closely to size me up, Ive never had anyone not be okay with me, and people are only not okay with you if your weird talking to yourself and that’s not how you present yourself in public, half gone, so Im sorry. What will restore the faith of whoever has been affected will not to being up how things were during a period of disconnect, so the purpose of being online was to curtail the chances of a loss, or feel situated at odds with anyone, be affected by anothers experiences in life as a law student, which were not sad until there were losses, then everyone called me, and then I spoke online and Im sorry if I got upset that’s no one fault, for the majority of the time I was sharing my story peacefully, not with the knowledge that others were making stories and songs, you cant control the world, and that much you have to sit with, how people saw things based on where you were in life, and how the facts or identities known as being in a newsworthy place “law school” put additional pressure on me or others to perform and no one can handle the pressure of being watched or apart of any causes that others do not view as being strong for the right reasons throwing the heat for OJ, and that’s how you lose your confidence in life, maybe it was about me being strong and the designated driver, so that people like those I care about and who are okay with me, would not be subjected to any difficulties in life, that’s not them being strong because they feel like theyre to blame, that’s them having moved on as being responsible having been my friends and then me having been laid on nights out with friends, which should not happen if you are connected to people, please just move forward, I was never out of control, I have been out a few times, and if you get hit on, be playful with them, you don’t need to have sex with anyone who like or who sticks out to you, that’s not being a woman, that’s being grose, and then everyone hears about it, and thinks your grose, so going to another law school wasn’t trying to look smart or identify a problem, if I was smart and someone else is doing better, that’s why he was the only one talking to me when I got an A, and didn’t say a word, and was getting As on all the papers and what was said was exactly what I had written, and then Westlaw made a new law, and she mentioned did anyone notice they made a new law, it got complex because what was written was stated in lecture, so the later book graph was not to say that I identified myself as being harmed or communicated to to see if I recognize or identify a case that’s not been taught to me, and then think that way, I also wasn’t a TA teachers assistant for the class and didn’t teach others, because I was not taught anything in the TA classes I was told to attend. Everyone new was nice to me, so its not about insensitivities I can maintain privacy with those I am among Im proud of people who go to law school its very difficult, and challenging, you have to be able to memorize a lot of information, and that’s an experience to enjoy, and with mental health issues is why I left, and probably should not have dated someone from another school, so that was my mistake, we both box we had something in common. Hes a good person, and when monogamous did not talk to anyone, as asked about by my then boyfriend, I couldn’t even Karaoke and sang a Prince song, something me and only my class knew, whos passing Im sure scared everyone, a positive experience which someone could’ve heard or maybe I could’ve sang to let them know that they have done a good job and that we love them too and wish they were still here with us today.
Im friends with that teacher on Facebook, so please leave things alone, if youre not well, you have to stay well and no one can help you or advise you, if Im not strong enough to work 5+ hours a day, then please dont expect me to work for an attorney I have applied and I have not been picked, maybe because something else was going well for me blogging, which doesnt seem to be the case now, which means I probably wont get hired if I dont look well, and thats how not playful I am, feelings hurt, everyone stay well its no one fault, stop inheriting blames based upon whats produced thats not what representation is for, dont be so hard on yourselves.. To me writing helps, I struggle staying well offline or online, and online I was able to keep busy and be apart of, I have tried to work but its a lot of work, and if Im ever tired its because Im on night meds now, so thats because I drank and because I drank I got bipolar, and when bipolar, means stay home, so thats something that can be closely monitored for years, and you may not be the same under different care thats how you get challenged in life, to change care and still be the same, thats not for improvement thats can you be trusted to manage your own care no matter what is thought of you, no matter what peoples preferences are, if you cannot take as prescribed which was the condition occurring after taking as prescribed, means that I am being too hard on myself, thats not to prove that I was not an addict while living alone in Marina Del Rey, thats just to communicate that I struggle with what to say and what to do, especially during times when I need help, so long as others are okay with you, appreciate those who are nice to you, and do your best to work again. #macshop. -They were nice to me its not that deep.
If by the time you speak you’re too late, means that the work has already been done, blend in. I think by now everyone has lived life long enough to know what life is about, that’s not something that can be taught at a later point in time, after everyone has already experienced life, and if youre going to be reminded of the past when you identified things to be going well for you or others speak to it, but don’t describe the past as though it were lived any differently, compared to now. So no its not too late, things can be well again, there is no such thing as things being different than they were supposed to be. You are always what you remember in life, so do your best to live a good life. If there is ever a reason you at one point became sick, then your like most people, when things become too much, or too stressful, unhappy, and like most unhappy people cannot be made better not unless your life becomes better, so be it. No one can make you happy or provide for you a life you have yet to recognize as special, there is not need to explore the world out on your own, you’ll likely wind up in lesser known places in life, so if you have a good life keep a good life, no matter which philosophies in life predominate, no one life philosophy has things figured out better than the other, and a good life is never intended to exclude you from what a good life will be not unless you give up your hand in life to something else that makes you less than yourself like alcohol or drugs, it usually changes you for the worst, not being sophisticated or intelligent to looking stupid, and that’s not because of any breakups or any failures in life so stay on board and never go overboard in life no matter what difficulties you face whatever they may be, that’s not trying to have a better life when you have friends that’s because you already have friends you have friends and there is nothing ghetto about having friends in life, or friends who have done drugs, or friends who drink, or friends who work odd jobs, people do what they need to do to survive, and some people date, and some people have sex, and some people go to school, and some people have boyfriends, some people have girlfriends, some people don’t have sex at all, some people do themselves, and some people don’t have any sex whatsoever and have never been touched by another human being in a sexual way until college, and that’s your first experience being naked with another human being, usually occurring in adulthood, nothing to be ashamed about, and then they leave your life, and what are you left with, your body, naked or not. The purpose of having a website is not to say better whats already been said. You will say a lot of things to reflect how you feel when you hear voices (auditory delusions) that will not make you feel good about yourself, and when you communicate to the world that you don’t feel good about yourself, they will probably not be made to feel good about you either, that’s wellness, theyre around when theyre around, just like fans, friends, or boyfriends, that’s how life works, you ar either well and presently able to carry on conversations, or your mind is gone, and who will be to blame then when “your house is not in order” something visibly wrong with you in their eyes, that you cannot readily identify as being wrong with you by looking in the mirror, or by headshot taken on twitter holding your face and not feeling pretty anymore, and if you never thought it was the sex that caused your face to change, maybe it was the distance, or maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the having sex in cars issue, you know people will be cool with a lot of things in life you will not be cool with, and so long as you partake in activities that don’t affect someone who is engaging in behavior with you that you do not agree with, then they will be made to not feel any better by it either, so don’t talk about things that people do with you “in relationships” is the main point, its not gorse for boyfriends and girlfriends to have sex with eachother its called a relationship, but it is wrong for you to talk about it, especially if you guys are trying to become attorneys, stuff you blurt out, as though you have to disclose everything about you, which later does not reflect nicely on those who were in a loving relationship, viewed by the masses to have been out of control, or not what it was, peaceful. When there is no leadership there is no cohesion, when there is leadership, everyone is usually well having fun and able to do whatever they want within reason, but no one drinks and dates and writes about it online, that doesn’t equal sex or friends for that matter, they will usually be nowhere to be found, its like talking to the press, you then become an outlet to the world, that they don’t need to be announced to, so that’s protecting your friends from harm not putting them under any unecessary spotlights in life, managing a crowd by yourself. If there is ever a reason why you later became ill, you don’t need to explain why if it never hit you then, my February 2009, is wayyyyy different than right now, and I signed up for suicidology.org filled out an application before there were any famous suicides, so that’s not me identifying that things are not going well, that’s me having survived a situation in life when I was drinking and not myself, and where there was a conflict of interest by job and floor (the police used to put whenever they won a case, and I maybe borrowed their protocol manual once and gave it back, but that was my only interaction with any government entity in my entire life). I applied to a job at a “downtown law firm” was the ad that was given to my paralegal school, I graduated on deans list and with a president’s award, it was not a strategy for “getting into” an organization for power or credit, or to be invincible or strong or professional, to me work was dressing up everyday commuting on the freeway and showing up everyday for a year, then it became something else by caption (the “10 fwy” car crash) I had called my boss and he told me that there may be too much traffic because of the incident, and read about it in the LA Times that is now parked right next to the 10 fwy, I don’t even know if its legal to build a building that close to the freeway but they let them do that anyways. With a last name matching the last name of someone that I knew from college a neighbor who once parked in my spot and met him via post-it, he was beautiful, he lived up stairs, and he spooned me once, and after I tried cocaine, I only made it to one booty call, the second he told me “you’re too late.” He moved to a nicer building with a code, after his started a career in music, I was at every single one of his shows, beginning under the sandwhich shop next to the gas station with no pumps, I took my friends and he forgot the lyrics to his own song, my friends were girls I met through one friend who knew me from elementary school an upper classman, whos mother worked in law I think she was a judge, but I forget by now, she was friends with a group of girls one of whom shared something in common with we both liked guys who were roommates, and we would study together at starbucks, then we made friends with the other girls who lived in their building their neighbors, and the other went to high school in another country, and used to read books, she had a book shelf, and then moved to California, I almost missed a Club Soccer Game partying with her at her apartment the night before, I woke up and drove to Torrance, we eventually stopped hanging out, my girl-friend from Boulder visited me once while living in Marina del Rey, and forgot to throw out the straw, my mom found in a pouch, this was probably my first year of law school before I met my boyfriend Summer 2010, I already had someone who liked me, and my friend took me to Portugal backpacking, it was spontaneous, he gave me the book he read after the trip as a gift. If its too late that means the work has already been done blend in, so although you may not have lived a wild lifestyle, having friends, drinking or trying drugs, will always be frowned upon, if it was never cool for you to smoke weed, it will not be cool for you to drink, date, or try drugs again, no matter where you are in life, your life will never be good enough to just have fun. So while you may be the favorite story that everyone doesn’t think is magical or thinks is a joke, there is nothing you can do about someone who was never in love with you or who didn’t love you or who took to long to love you or fall in love with you, if it doesn’t happen at the beginning it will not happen at a later point, that’s someone who wasn’t sure about you to begin with will later become mad at you at a later point in time if you become unwell. So no I was never that gone or mentally ill, maybe have just said the wrong things, but if I was able in law school there is no reason why I wont go back to being myself, no matter how unstable anyone thinks I am, Ive never been that sophisticated at story telling to begin with to lead a life that was worth telling stories about anyways, and then I started drinking when I left law school. And no one sent me to rehab. And no one sends me to the hospital now. And no one pulls me over. And no one is bothering me now. And no one is hurting me now, not unless I go back to anyone who has supported me, who then blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong during the duration of every year they have known me, that I cannot be responsible for a different life than they have already lived, moved on and become successful gotten jobs, I have stayed home. So its not that Im selfish and no my boyfriends are not to blame, you just have to give people time to be a happy person, to find themselves, and not to attack whoever has supported you as not having been loving enough, that side of me will always be gone, who I was when I was unconditionally loving, not defensive, light hearted, and unassuming, now is much different I have to be strong, and I cannot afford to be played with, fondled, tested, and experimented with, I only have one face and one body, and although it may be fun to see me shine, its not that important to be pretty anyways. Just stay put.
Originally Posted: 12-13-20
Theres no such thing as the CIA, no organization that seeks to protect others from harm would ever attack a stay at home student, and no they don’t control computers, they don’t have the time to watch anyone 24 hours a day, and they also cannot help people that cannot help themselves, so while they may be a famous story about firings and turning on each other, or missing agents for that matter, their lives are not a joke, nor are the lives of those coming to be no matter at what age they begin taking life seriously as intense as that sounds, or too much for that matter. How is an organization built? First they need an office, they need a seal on the ground, or they need to be told that their company logo needs to be inside a circle with the word California underneath, that was my requirement, not trying to be like anyone, and not fit for imitation since 2016, for the same reasons that unique identifiers are used to protect the character and integrity of those who are well, excuse me for making a Pretty Woman, woman laying on a piano joke, as though if that were me being told to get off the piano, that’s how a woman is treated who is not wanted. So when I sang in a tone that I created in my voice, melodic, like a soulful singer back in the day who would wear a ball gown and sing by a piano, full figured that was the look I was going for, except I was outside my house, in my people alley and singing by the only place with a spotlight, so excuse me for having long eye lashes, I have had long eye lashes my whole life, and was on Deans List probably with a “billy ocean” song came out, and if my sexuality is of concern to anyone who thinks my life was the joke that inspired music once or resulted in any deaths or concerts, then one does not perceive me to have been doing well in life why everything else around me was going well in life, and not make one song about me, as though I have ever touched myself to women for that matter, I have never been gay, I will never be gay, and I barely have friends at this point, so if you don’t recognize me to have been beautifully stated, or too understated then that is why I am auditioning now, and just like I don’t need help and have been insulted to see what I feel like getting help from someone that I don’t need help from, I also understand them seeing me as helping an organization that I don’t need to help either and who probably doesn’t need my help either, not a point of complete peace with the subject of supporting groups and organizations that have ever been affected by gun violence, and if I am not your advocate I am certainly not your enemy or influence either for that matter, and as much as it hurts me to appear as though I am being put at odds by anyone elses success in life, that doesn’t mean that I deserve to be misrepresented as someone who doesn’t support the careers of others, or their wellness, we cant all be based on the same systems of thinking anyways, some people will always be above issues that were never intended to be taken personally, so maybe I should have never been a crisis hotline counselor because that seems to be the one skill helping others during a time of need that no one else understands thinks Im drawn to nice people as though I am not a nice person or who has never been a nice person, Ive just never been awake enough to care what everyone else was on and that’s okay apparently you need to be very awake in order to handle the pressures of others thinking that they know you or are finding comfort in knowing you that no one else is able to provide to you by knowing you or from your life, means that you are somewhere scary in life, and that throat burn is real, and that head burn is real, and that stress is real, and that quiet is real, and that’s how you know that you know what you are talking about without needing to be anyones leader in life, and this is when things that were done well become not good enough when someone seems like they are not well when everyone else is well, and this is not the first time in my life I have ever not been well and everyone else is well, that’s usually the case that I am going through something different than anyone else was made to go through in life, there must be a higher expectation of me to be something else or somewhere else in life, and just when I am not feeling well, others complain as though its me making them uptight or not feel good, and either that’s what things are about or that’s not what things are about, and I don’t need to physically suffocate for anyone else to understand that I don’t have a problem with people communicating from their own best interests, and if they are ever testing you for your gifts in life, it doesn’t matter who stole my poems, or my first script outline, if those are not stories I have told everyone, I can take a new headshot of my Linkedin, and can make up my own song and make an album, and I don’t need to know anyone in music in order to record myself singing, all I have to do is look up a location, rent the time, and record, and can sing without music and add something later, if I cant afford the connection, or the name combination attached to my own name.
When others are banded together that’s them being happy where they are in life with no concern for where youre at in life, and that’s the price you pay for sharing your problems online or diagnosis for that matter, no one connected to you ever wants to be the source of having ever called out the issues as they have seen them for the time being, if that was to keep people banded together, than that explains why Im never having fun when others are, and that’s how life is, its not a nightmare, intended for you to discover, find out, what are the causes for other peoples happinesses in life, which is why someone who is not doing well is told that its not all about them, Im not in the frame of mind defensive, and I don’t need to be put in that frame of mind, never have I ever treated anyone as stupid or been stupid with them have always been myself. And there is nothing wrong with me if I don’t want to have sex for the rest of my life means Im not smart enough for it, no divorce papers required to attack me on a consistent basis as though I was ever the part of someone or person in anyones life that resulted in their own sufferings or illnesses let alone my family, that’s not a condition to be tested for what causes the minds of others to be made gone, to test for connectivity to whos insights or sense of being or knowledge is the source or creative common wording that can be known to some and then made known to all without you even knowing it, that’s putting people on teams by causing someone else to not feel well or off center, to cause them to think things are about them treat someone as someone who attacks someone who is attacking them, when someone is attacking me its because they think Im the source of their hardships and that’s me being blamed as someone who does not make someone else feel good and that’s called being a disappointment, so when you get played in life and cant pick a boyfriend that’s where your smarts went, its in Gods hands, and that’s probably why I visited the US Supreme Court, because to others seeing me be stupid and not be myself was their experiment on me, and that’s a condition of looking stupid that no one can protect you against, that’s someone who doesn’t respect you by the way you look. [edit: see original composition]
(Side-note): Fighting is never required. Theres nothing smart that come from someone who is made to feel stupid, so if you ever wonder what were the causes for a change in my blog from being simple and looking well, or being bright it was probably the fact that I was well and the person connected to my website, which will not change so long as I am not doing well. So although it may feel like a game for attacking me, once Im gone Im gone, and that also means my positive spirit, demanor, face, and body, and not running everyday, which to me made me feel good, but apparently didn’t communicate to anyone else that I was well or not deserving of a beat down, for whatever results that proved, connecting to no one here forward is in my best interests make no one person responsible for whatever I go through in life, I don’t need anyones help, and I don’t need an Attorney, all I need is to take my meds and stay in my room for the rest of my life and Im okay with that, Im not missing out on anything, and I cannot make anyone feel good who does not already feel good without me, that’s the main lesson. All people are important, but once you don’t feel good and don’t look good then it becomes next to impossible to make another person feel good, and that’s how you get treated if they don’t know you or don’t know your friends that’s someone taking their aggression out on you and you looking stupid and that’s just how men are, they get to know you, they don’t respect you, they see what you look like if you drink, then they don’t respect you, and then you look stupid and you feel stupid and your brain stops working, that’s how people are, giving you a taste of their own medicine in life why never to be happy in life or supportive when its support that you need and if you need love and you were given love and you need to focus on school that is why love is not working out for you, and even if you may never have love again, everyone already got what they wanted seeing you “east $hit” in life and struggle as though youre on the wrong teams in life, and they don’t care how smart you are, all they care is about their own smarts why never to be friends or friendly back to anyone trying to be friends with you who is also your competition they will want you to think about them the next time you become smart, and what they looked like looking at you when you were not smart, and they thought you were gone. So you don’t need to treat me as stupid based upon where I am in life, Im not the bad connection of your dreams, please leave me alone, and I will never have friends for the rest of my life, stay home, and only do what I am told to do in a job, no unnecessary defenses or intimidations required for anyone to tell me how it is in life like Im aloof or have not suffered too confident or too well based upon where everyone else is at in life, that’s not friendship, that’s me not doing well, at the expense of someone new who is only being playful, and that’s how you get told you are wrong in front of the entire world or strangers to communicate to someone else through you that you have been played or have done something wrong, and that’s how you get treated in life, reminded of what you have ever done wrong, and no one being nice to you anymore, that’s what bullying is like, its someone who is nice to you, who rejects you, and that’s when you finally are nice to them back, which means its not worth it to talk to anyone in life, everyones so egotistical and all about themselves, Id rather stay home for the rest of my life, no drinking, no dating, no friendship, and do my best to stay alive, and not be an unwanted connection to anyone who is fragile and in need of support, its obviously not me who will keep them strong if they have already decided not to like me. And yes it matters where they are from they know your story they know what countries everyone is from, and they don’t care what you are so long as those people are doing better in life then you then it doesn’t matter where you are at in life, so long as you are struggling that is no ones fault but your own, which is why someone gets voices, when everyone is well except for me, and they communicate to me as though I don’t also recognize that I am not well, and that’s to keep whoever is feeling well well, or whoever is watching me communicate to all, know that I am not well.
By the time you get to anywhere new in life, your life will have already passed you by, and whatever was needed to be done to keep others afloat, made, and that much you have to accept about life, whether or not related to now, take it for what its worth. Nothings ever about something missing or not already had within those already, like a gift, or a feeling, capable of being brought out of them, and forgotten about, or a conversation you don’t remember, or doesn’t stand out to you as important, you remember but only too late, there will be many moments in life you will have with others, and its what others remember about you, that affects where you end up in life, you may not think that you are attached to anyone who has known you but you will be reminded of those pains later on in life, when you have outgrown whatever casual life you once lived when you were nice to everyone and never had a problem with anyone. Nothing is set in stone, and what has already been done, so do your best to move forward, if it was something that another was passionate about, then they meant what they said when they said it, and it doesn’t matter whether your feelings are hurt now, people will be hurt by the same things that you don’t understand whenever the time comes for yofu to be examined by others on a larger scale and picked apart from their memory of what stands out, and that doesn’t mean that what has been said by you or others was made in a special way to be remembered by or something focused on for a long period of time in order for it to stand out and appear well made, things of value are made in different ways, something Ive once described talking to myself, doesn’t mean that it is something I later will not talk about, I remember everything I have said and remember everything I have ever felt, and remember everything that I have remembered from my childhood up until now, and no hitting my head is not the solution to stop me from remembering where I am now or where I have been that’s not the cause for pain something you remember having experienced to give you an unforgettable moment in life that causes you pain to see whether you speaking is to remind anyone else of their pains in life and that’s the point at which advocacy stops, when no ones pain is recognized. Steps to people feeling like they have a better hand than you at life: (1) hearing what you have to say (2) thinking about what you have to say based on what they hear within themselves (3) you living your life (4) and seeing whether you live your life in a way that matches with what they were thinking connected to people who know your story, or whether you life different than what you have said connected to your own words and happening again for you in life based upon (5) the memory of others, or (6) your own memory or memory of what you think people were thinking and then not do well yourself based upon (7) what people are thinking now, if it differs from what was thought then and now you are in a pain, when no one else is in pain, because people are not thinking about you, and are well now, and not affected by you, therefore to make you (8) someone who is in pain, who is then talking about something that never happened, or talking as though you have ever said something that has not been helpful to someone, or the cause for your own pain in life, having said something that caused an illness in another who attacked others, is the basis for judging me based upon whether me speaking in public well, is to speak better than how I have sounded in the past, a better effort as though a better effort is needed and a first effort was not good enough. And this is how miscommunications occur, when no one has confidence, what then will your hearts and minds be filled with bewilderment, over what has been said, where is the solution to leaving things as there are, and what more work needs to be done that has not already been done, that is when people think more work needs to be done to you in order to change your system of thinking and base thinking upon what causes them to feel well and exclude you from considerations as never having ever been apart of that’s respect and rejection, stuf people know that you don’t know, and based upon who you are treating you as someone who is trying to be important who is not already important and testing your spirit whether you think about things too much, whether you have trouble letting things go, or whether they have a right to attack you based upon what they know, to communicate to you that they know something about you damaging, to cause you to feel scared. People will always have that capability in life to scare you based upon knowing something private about you, and that’s not the cause for my illness, that’s the cause for someone elses illness whos purpose for attacking me, was to bring about a different set of circumstances for me, so that no one would respect me like anyone else who sees me as being different on the wrong teams in life, or not tough because they don’t see me as good, well if you don’t think Im good or a drug addict then that’s why I was sent to jail on a freezing cold bus that someone pissed in, for a long time then rejected from two jails, and then sent to an overcrowded jail and made to sleep on concrete on my arms for 14 hours, and was the only one who was left in a cell that was shared with many people, and they keep moving you from cell to cell until you are only left with a few people and given blankets to sleep with, then you are taken to a room with tables and given a brown paper bag with a meal, a hard boiled egg and a banana with mentally ill women in cells screaming for food that theyre hungry, and if after your meal you grab a mat to sleep on after everyone already slept more on mats before your meal was given to you you are screamed at to put the mat back, then you go to the hospital and they give the med you need for sleep, “Abilify” weigh you, let you use the bathroom in the hospital, and then while your waiting outside, if you ask them when will they give you a cell, they put you in a small cell with someone who is asleep, and given a bag of supplies a toothbrush and a pamphlet, and sleep in the top bunk, you have to get to by stepping on the toilet, and theres a small window that’s 2 feet deep with cement that a person cannot fit through, and then they call your name, and they let you go, and you get interviewed, and then you get to go home, that’s doing time, walking up the steps, given your things back, and taking a picture of the building looking back and putting it on Facebook with a quote to tell your friends where you were. A beautiful picture running on the beach, was not to symbolize my fight against gun violence, it was my journey to wellness, and because I usually run inland by the water, the Lifeguard truck told me to move it inland, and then ran in the deep sand after the rain, I took a photo after I turned around, and that was not planned by me purposefully to run for 2.5 hours in the sand just to take a photo, I just so happened to turn around and took a photo of what my footsteps looked like. So I understand that my life is not beautiful and I understand that a beautiful life cannot help anyone feel inspired to do well in life, or to help people do well in spite of whats occurring, all they see is a picture they think is insensitive or being used to communicate about something that has happened and hurt you until you are affected similarly made to feel powerless or scared by anyone elses experiences in life. So its great if you have been through something difficult, whats worse is having gone through something difficult, then you cant help people, which is why I waited until after probation to smile or be fun which didn’t last for long anyways. No that’s not where I belong. I don’t have to talk to anyone for the rest of my life, and that was my biggest mistake seeing someone else life as beautiful and if your crying that’s because your life is not beautiful or you don’t fit in and no one wants to talk to you, and that you have to figure out for yourself not to like people who don’t like you, not to share pictures online of others, who do not want to be connected to you, not to share quotes and attract an audience to a cause that your not fit to support, and not to help those who do provide advocacy until you are allowed to communicate with them, which is after probation for 4 years, so excuse me for staying in my room, and having a few slip ups dating and for trying to get a job before my record is expunged, and excuse me for going through a lot of mental illness leaving a place I did not feel I belonged, once they don’t like you, that’s how everyone is above you, and its not until you become strong that others leave you alone, that’s not protecting you from harm, that’s seeing your mental illness as evidence that you have done something wrong or that you were never being strong, or someone whos support wont help or hurt a cause for support to those who need help, that’s how complicated mental illness is, that unless you are smart and can help a situation, others will take the side of those who have money and punish you as though you made a bad life out of a good life and cannot represent yourself. So that’s my pain. Therefore mans need for sex is not my problem and is not worth the risk of taking care of anyone for that matter, not if it will subject me to harm, and be treated as though I have done others wrong in life, if I don’t need sex, then having sex will not make me a better person, and it will not allow for anyone to trust me or to value me, and that’s why when someone is sweet, who they think is smart, and who is not pretty, or who relapses, is not empathized with, and no that’s not animal abuse, that was the option for surgery to say bye to me cat since 2004, after 8 months was ready to go that was taking him to the vet several times, a tube not put back in him, then them putting him to sleep and not keeping him alive, because he had cancer of the tongue, which keeps growing back. So I understand if no one takes my side, and if everyone hurts me and makes the men I have loved or dated victim to my story in life let alone my body, I understand that, which is why I don’t date, then do someone who you are comfortable with loving who is at peace, but don’t make me the offender to your story and not allow me to get strong again, no one ever took everything away from you in life to turn you into another person, and that’s very hurtful to hurt me as though I deserve to suffer or put others in harms way who don’t already have jobs and careers then what is love for? If its only to hurt me, then play victim to me, then there is no reason to give love to a man or a woman for that matter, and can just talk directly to the US Supreme Court, that doesn’t mean Im tough, or Im not being nice because life hasn’t hit me over the head yet in a negative way to teach me when to stop, I have struggled and I don’t make my struggles anyone else struggle or represent any movements in life for that matter as though I have the key to success, you are innocent once, and after that you cannot live a life being nice to anyone, who thinks you have a mean side or someone who is dishonest or not trustworthy or who doesn’t do a good job helping others, so its not that Im too late, is that I am now authorized to apply for Government jobs again and they know where I have been in life and its not your responsibility to hurt me and get away with it as though I deserve it or deserve to die or suffer for the sufferings of others, that’s not going out of your way to help that’s helping because you are well and others are not being nice to you, so that’s something I figured out writing and taking notes in front of the US Supreme Court. Then went back to school and finished.