Seldom do we think to stop and smell the roses, no one ever thinks to maintain controls, until one have been privied to positions in life, upon which one bears controls over the outputs and systems of support provided to those within a system of care that seeks to provide an output, befitting and symbolic (with reference backward) that enable those cares to follow through unto those whos care is given to. Do your best, what does that mean? It means in spite of what you have been given in life, opportunity, education, chances, you continue to live life, without respect for what others have, feel less than, if upon viewing what others have in life, you feel small, or downtrodden, less than your usual self, its that backwards feeling, that keeps you generally within the realm and scope of your abilities in life, its hard to traverse upon multiple terrains in life, unless you have mastered the excellency within any one profession, or life skill such as making friends, holding jobs, and then there is mental health? The arena of mental health concerns are much presently to do with, who are declared victims, who are declared offenders to the best interests of others sued “CIVILLY,” for the purposes of obtaining a better standing and hand at life, as compared to the other, situate the other side worse off, to the betterment of the other side, established by a set of rights and wrongs defined, on paper, in public light, to cast someone as unprofessional or based upon their outputs (or connections in life, not taken into account, or in my Father’s case mentioned in court) to win or lose a case. Its upon losing in a case civilly that “ORDERS” are made, and any actions, post “DECISION” of a court to which you “MUST ATTEND” if not, a “DEFAULT JUDGMENT” is entered without you or an ”ATTORNEY” present to debate the matter and “ARGUE FACTS” counter to what was stated on paper, as the “TRUTH.” [Personal Statement Removed - Record Expunged 2020 - Sober, Clean, Celibate].
Originally Written: 04-12-20 (Taken Down by Me Re: MY Lawsuit, EXPUNGED 2020).
LESSON: Dont question what others think, if they dont accept you, after hearing from you, do not think you know enough to work in #tech, but interview you, "MOVE ON!" & Report Often ....
LESSON: You will not be accepted everywhere, nor replied to based upon whether others think you are below, under them, not good enough, stay the same, and work hard! (Y) #stophate & #email.
Removed [Photos] 04-27-20
Originally Posted 04/20/20
The worst that could happen is actually happening, someone attacking me online for things said in private or in public, I suppose my luck has just run out. You would think that people would be forgiving of you, understanding your mental health issues, while supporting you, but that’s just not the case. Never underestimate the power of anyone who holds a personal vendetta toward you. No one is obligated to continue on in a relationship that not longer suits them or benefits them, that’s plain to see. When someone does not make you feel good anymore, its okay to stop talking to them. But don’t be surprised if they start attacking you online, like what is happening to me, not something Ive expected, Ive been trying to play it cool for several months now, being cordial, and letting things go lightly, but Im at my threshold of sympathies for anyone, who would ask for compromising photos of me, during a down, a COVID-19, protest, riot type of down, who does that to someone? Im trying not to have a bipolar episode over this hitting my head, or become suicidal, but this person called my Mom, how dare he. Its like they just want to get to know you, so they can make money off of you, and then hurt you while theyre at it, that’s totally unacceptable. I dont owe anything to anyone, expect my good health. The only person I am required to respond to is a doctor or my therapist, not someone random interviewing me about everything under the moon they can think of, who I am responding to just so they wont attack me and publish hate pages about me online, my feelings are really hurt. I feel like I cant trust anyone, it makes me not want to blog anymore, or talk to anyone. I think this is a good time to take a break from blogging and really re-evaluate my purpose for writing online, and whether that purpose has been served. I have worked so hard over the years to develop and fine tune a sound work space online, for all to read, and I don’t think this person has the right to stop me from following my dreams to be a writer, and a published author. What he is doing is defamatory, its exposing me on not well days responding to him, bothering me everyday with texts, and all night, and if I don’t respond posts a page on Facebook, without my permission, sharing nude photos of me requested for, and other texts. There are moments when you are vulnerable, and unfortunately I was too nice to him, shared. #stopbullying #stophate #stopdefamation #stopsuicide -Not feeling well.
Its clear by this point in time, that the protests have moved beyond the issue, of the murder on film, of a #blacklivesmatter, representative of color, with a child, I presume, was successful enough in life, to have a child, care for that child, and provide for her and his family, mistaken as a suspect making use of a "counterfeit bill" at a local convenience store, where "Floyd had been a regular customer for about a year, and he never caused any issues."  "Floyd — who was born in North Carolina, lived most of his life in Houston and moved to Minneapolis in 2014."  According to reports, at the time of his arrest, "Lane asked Mr. Floyd if he was “on anything” and noted there was foam at the edges of his mouth. Lane explained that he was arresting Mr. Floyd for passing counterfeit currency." Although intitially, George Floyd's death was assumed to have been an arrest of a man deemed to be high, they also attributed his death to "preexisting cardiovascular disease “likely contributed to his death.”  I can relate, having been hospitalized 9 times, put on 5150 holds for 14 days, given no day meds, and left to sleep all day and all night, in whichever hospital I was put in, has made it increasingly more difficult for me to run and to work, leaving me in a scared position in life, physically fit, and now unable to run, and do much manual labor full time, for more than a few months of work, Im assuming this is the purpose for the justice system, to not only arrest, but to incapacitate and disable arrestees as punishment, a physical pain, to serve as a reminder not to engage in activities, amounting to that use of force an arrest, although our stories are different, I can relate to the physical disabiling affects of being arrested, put in jail, or imprisoned, there is a reason why people who go to jail do not shine, and cannot stay well among others, not only to they feel different, but they now look different as situated among the well, somewhat weaker, less confident, more scared, and less brave, it seems being brave is a life skill reserved only for those allowed to attack life full throttle, as though living life is a competition based upon physical wellness alone, coupled with a strong mental health foundation from which to beat the odds, once it has been made known, that you were arrested and for what, as though the circumstances can and will occur again and again, if the same behaviors are exuded in the process of defending ones own health condition, absent minded the conditions of others, which usually cannot benefit or make sound someone who is struggling in life, and who has lost their power, that is to live freely among others, as someone innocent without a record, and without negative judgment being passed by others concerning their demeanor and present condition, look like they are suspect presently or carrying guilts in life, that is the reason for what they present as scared or weak as compared to others. Thats just the justice system, you are either strong and getg along with everyone, and if you are deemed to be reckless, relapse, drink, or do drugs, or too social, and anyone rejects you from their place of establishment, viewing you as a threat to their mental health, as though your condition is contagious to their smarts, well then thats why they punish drug addicts and alcoholics, who while impaired, emit an energy that not only deteriorates the positive feelings of those around them, but can be felt, a discomfort, by anyone who thinks by the way they look or sound, that they pose a threat to the bravamente and boisterous and outspoken nature of those who are tough but innocent, not punished for speaking their mind, no matter who it offends, sensitive or not, known or unknown conditions of anyone. Why not to share your mental health status out loud, why not to do drugs, why not to drink, especially if you have been punished, chances are you are more likely to be rejected or thought less of and look suspect in any interactions where it can be proven you were the impaired participant to any communication with another, thus putting them at risk of harm, having listened or read from someone impaired, who suffers from mental health issues, that can be proven the fault of their own. I have been clean from cocaine since 2006, attended rehab 2007 in Boulder Colorado, and before Rehab started, was left behind at a bar talking to someone from the gym who used to hit on my Mom, who saw a hickie on my neck from an Ex "George Nelson" who I met when I was 18 years old, because I was talking non stop to him outside on the patio at "Busby's" and then my friends left, needed to take a cab home, and they insisted that they would give me a ride home, and instead took me to their house, him and his brother who was a DJ, I didnt want to hook up with him, thats not why I was talking to him, I was just being nice to someone who I knew from the gym and who knew my family. Similarly, at work, if youre not 100%, thats what happens, people make decisions for you, talk to everyone around you, and speak to you as though you are disabled, as though there is something wrong with you, its hard to be close to people after punishment, its really upsetting how dark it feels around yourself, though wise, when trying to regroup, and feel lifted again, post punishment, work, and get your confidence back, but thats just life, you cant win with them all, and some get left behind, not anyone fault, nor my own fault. So in lieu of not doing well when taking as prescribed, and after having lost 50lbs, running, its easier for people to get you to admit to things youre not doing, dont ever succumb to pressures in life, to sign or write anything that you are told to write, as though thats an excuse for your disability addiction, if you have no addiction, dating is not addiction, relapsing with a boyfriend is not addiction, doing drugs and drinking alone is addiction. So if youre on meds, and they think its because of an addiction, maybe its because they think youre "lying" if found outside your apartment, maybe no one thinks youve ever been raped, maybe they think youre stupid because you were a crisis hotline counselor then dated, maybe people think youre stupid for drinking alone, expecting a different result, as compared to when out with friends, and out alone under the influence, if you look like youre trying to live a safe life alone, and if it looks like you blamed others for your discomforts in life, then thats how you get treated, as though with expectation of being hit on when out alone, and not being coerced into hooking up with someone you are not attracted to, once people lose respect for you, then dont expect to earn it back at any later point in life, which is probably why everyone is hard on me, as though disappointments past didnt change me for the better, maybe not as social, and not able to stay in relationships for marriage, thats doesnt mean I dont deserve to work, and need to suffer graver hardships in life and disability, as a result of not being as socially strong as other people, work wise, determination wise, and health wise. It was recommended to me by an Attorney suing my Pen Pal Donald Trump, with a client listed in the Company I was working for, that caused me a "conflict of interest" not addiction, I was taking as prescribed, and in order to stay up until 8pm my Boss kept me at work, so I wouldnt keep going to sleep at 5pm, and only working part-time, maybe she just didint understand that I am someone who needs to pace themselves, that if thrusted into a fight, that can cause me burnt out, or leave me out of equations for wellness in life and a good life, you can take risks in life work wise, but never with your health, its okay to bow out, and if you did attend "Keep Families Together" without understanding it was a joke on you, and left when darkness filled the sky, and a riot entered the well lit public space being filmed, then you dont understand earths connection to humans, that when illness passes through any given population, earth can tell, and thats how a darkness occurs in the sky, be aware.
Originally posted 07/03/20.
Part of being a professional online in the tech “online” world, you have to with compassion, be mindful of the trade secrets held by others, company business models, senses of humor, and derivative consequences of any backlash faced by them in the event of destruction. Whenever guilts are passed to the creators, this causes a frustration of purpose, an energy coming from those who provide a service to others, and their ability to carry out those professional functions to others, to provide a source of light to them in life, and enable them to share their light with others, such as on “social media” platforms. The basis from which all connect is usually based upon positives, in a general sense, nothing off putting, combative, accusatory, or blameworthy considerations aside, not trying to reinforce poor thinking to others, when poor thinking is not the cause of their success or their ability to help others, usually when we are thinking right, or convinced we have the right ideas about life, we come up with ideas, with how to address situations, or “deletions” of private records, and the subsequent ramifications of those deletions of content from our private records, such as a theory about 9/11 apologizing to soldiers who died overseas before attempting suicide 2009 and then I was asked “who do you think did it?” and then my Father got a hemangioma Fall 2009 after my suicide attempt, know that life stresses are real, and whenever any blames are asked for concerning war, politics, and death, be sure to understand the consequences of saying out loud, when you felt errors occurred and by what statements. My parents separated when I was in Kindergarten, if that helps at all understand, a womans need to be alone, and when alone, not be used by men, while away from their families. I feel like I got mad at Petrocelli, because he was interrogating my family as though their connection was at fault for the death of Nicole Brown Simpson, as though jungle gyms in our backyard and a jungle gym in front of OJ’s house, was fruit for attack in the 90s, or even worse a set up. Both families were affected, which is why I have maintained a low profile seldom participated online, and went to two law schools, and that will not change about me, not being very social, and to myself, its not that the world is a dangerous place, its just that everyone wants to control you, what you think, say, and how you respond, upon attachments or detachments in life, everyone studying a case about homicide with fascination, as though the more they know the more they think they can better understand life, be mindful that upon studying others, that can lead to putting others in fear such as myself, and not benefit my condition, or my mental health, or physical health, now with a hemangioma like my Dad. You have a choice whether to live a simple life, or whether to share your story, and because I shared my story, maybe things did not turn out as well as I had anticipated, and maybe people who should have been protected were not protected when they needed protections, that God cannot save you from, things that happen to you while out, socializing, dating, or blogging, that you have to figure out for yourself. Know that not everyone will support you, when you do decide to come forward and share your story out loud, and not all will be understanding of you, just do your best not to be blamed for the misunderstandings of others, highlighting your hesitancies in life, as though you should be living life unafraid, like the world is a safe place as a victim of homicide. I am always doing my best to be mindful of who has passed, and have done my best to be understanding of others too. #stopsuicide: Please dont compound issues.
(07/07/20) Please Note: This story does not sit well, and is causing me pain, obviously, bipolar is difficult to understand and comprehend, Im in a much better place now than I was then and recently, so long as you bring things up past, that prevents you from moving forward to be accepted as normal or well,
Originally Posts 07/06/20.
Its never too late to reverse a negative opinion of you and to better yourself, there will be a lot of things in life that you do not have control over, such as other peoples thoughts, judgments, predispositions, senses of humor, hindsight, outlook, foresight, and reservations of you. Everyone is entitled to protect themselves from harm, but never to an allowable extent as an expense to others, particularly those who they do not agree with, or find mindful enough, or too arduous to care for or listen to, timing is everything, and sometimes it is too late, to undo, what has been done to your image, reputation, or what you looked like previously in front of others, with their confidences held high, upon you becoming lost or disillusioned in life. We all find our sense of peace on our own good timing, there is no requisite series of event that need to occur, or steps taken in order for a broader understanding of life to occur, not everyone similarly connects to others, stories about the lives of others, or the meaning derived from their experiences, found essential or important as applied to their own lives, we are all different, and things should remain that way, never holding any prejudice over others by what kind of person one is, or by ones standing, ever feel intruded upon confidence wise or success wise, by the demeanor or confidences held by others, even if you consider them of lower standing in life, be threatened by, this you learn over time, what offenses you are willing to accept, upon being looked at, and which things not to read too much into in life, as it comes to others predispositions in life to hold their heads high, even if yours is not held high. I can now disclose that Im Half Filipino, and my Mom is one of 7 children, one of her brothers died, when a book shelf fell on him, in the Philippines, she and her family moved here, when Marshall Law was declared, and fled dictatorship, Emelda Marcus, the Wife of a President was known for her shoe collection and stayed at the Waldorf Astoria I think, they said they would put her flag up, when she was in town. I visited the Philippines once and saw the house that my Mother grew up in, it now has a mini flatscreen on the wall, she grew up with 5 Brothers and one Sister, who remarried, and the first children of her Ex-Husband, were like older Cousins to me growing up, even though we are not related by blood, they're from Texas, and one of the first to come to my home on Harvard when I was tweeting, to check on me, and drove me to her house, an apartment in the same complex I think, of where I was forced to give a blow job, to someone I rejected at the bar, going through a breakup, followed me outside, and talked to me all the way back to my car, then convinced me to hang out and "play a game of professional responsibility" the game did exist surprisingly, then let me pick a movie I picked "Snatch" had never seen it before. He made a drink for me, I remember there was ice, and it was powdery at the bottom, I figured it was from the broken ice from the fridge, but I could be wrong. I wasnt drunk, I always have two drinks only at the bar and ask them to serve it to me light, with less vodka. Afterward I was hospitalized somewhere in the valley I dont remember going to the ER, just remember, sitting outside at tables and them opening a box of cigarettes, and smoked. You cant go backwards in life, I had met a Techie in January but we didnt exchange numbers until I met him 5 more times, then by the 5th time after he kissed my cheek exchanged numbers, asked his friend for his number, after he kissed me once downstairs, and once upstairs smoking, then left with another girl, embarrassed I started hitting my head, and someone barfed onto the bar. Exactly where I was seated the day someone on the right corner of the bar, tried to talk to me, and told me he was a UCLA Law Student, and the next time I walked to the bar, was seated outside with another girl, I think they were studying, and he looked but didnt say Hi. (January 2013). "Don't play me #lesson." I remember wanting to stop, and he made me keep going with the blinds cracked open, and I ran to the bathroom and barfed in the sink when he came in my mouth. I dont even give blow jobs to boyfriends I date monogamously, ask #robdebakey and #aaronbrown, maybe once each. #worldpeace. So when I saw Aaron in Yorba Linda interrogated, starting punching my head, and then we never saw eachother again, he sent flowers and I was despondent, watching CSPAN everyday.
(1) June 2008 via Blind Application "downtown law firm" worked for the Government.
(2) August 2008 attended a Birthday Party in Las Vegas in Louboutins, and saw Dita Von Teese dance in a Martini glass.
(3) Fall 2008 attended an Open House at Southwestern, and wrote an Entertainment Law Paper for my Final Assignment about "Documentary Filmmakers and Fair Use."
(4) 2008 met with Prof. Ellison to asked about how to seal a deposition, he told me that it was possible to "write a letter of compassion" and pizza was served in his office, with another woman present taking notes.
(5) 2008 worked on "personal statement" had it reviewed at the City Attorneys Office, and was told to apply for a job opening by one of the Clerks, a USC student, who kept texting me invited me to an event downtown, telling me to meet him at a door in an alley, did not attend, and told him that I have a boyfriend, then on Facebook checked, one friend in common, and put a post it on his computer screen, "How do you know Aryan Sarbaz?"
(6) 2008 assembled binders, collecting information from online, and reviewed Attorney Cochran's website, after speaking to my best friend, who relayed a message from her Father who was in jail, distraught, my Ex flushed my Adderrall down the toilet.
(7) 2008 asked my Ex to take down a Youtube with my car in it, was paranoid, and had also shared my fears by posting to a message space, on a White House website, before his home was shot, had only seen Barack Obama on TV once, and my Father pointed him out once too.
(8) February 2009, after sending money to the DNC and the police, my membership card says 2009, but remember applying before my suicide attempt, and applying to the #usnavy.
(9) Got into UWLA School of Law and Glendale School of Law, chose to go to UWLA.
(10) After my first semester at UWLA, studying "wrongful death" I got a B and was 3rd in my class on my report card, I had only been hospitalized once swallowing a bottle of Kolonopin.