So long as you are not happy with yourself, there may be no one who can convince you otherwise, to beat the odds, and to keep moving forward. If going backwards hurts that’s a tell tale sign that there is apart of you, that others do not agree with or are not proud of you or do not understand why you ever got “voices” how that happened, and think that there was something wrong you were doing in life, to cause you mental illness. And that’s not how mental illness happens, its when you give up on yourself, when you do your best, and your best is not good enough, and that’s when you get finished off in life, during times of instability, weakness, not in a period of strength, and it will often be when you least expect to be hurt, that someone else shatters your hopes, your dreams, your ambitions, your progress, and your livelihood. Convinced that you are some denomination of something bad, and not value you as a human being, and that much hurts, for someone to be nice to you, threaten you, then pretend like that never happened. I always wonder what gives people the right to be so emotionally mean to you for no reason, and people still respect them, to me it seems that people with money are always entitled to be intense, moody, and short with people who they don’t agree with. Well Im not someone who has time anyways for fighting, and that’s not what I work for, that’s not my goal in life, that’s not my purpose in life, to fight with anyone in any space, for the rest of my life. When you allow someone to aggravate you, that’s your body giving out on you, that’s you not liking who you are, that’s you not feeling good, and that’s you not happy with the way things look, and no one can help you out of that position in life, if you allow yourself to be convinced, that your life is hard, or unmanageable, or not worth living in the positive. And that’s exactly what they want, someone emotional, who complains, who cant think straight, is not positive, is not appreciative, is not loving, and that’s what makes people think that they are stronger than you, more deserving that you, and consider you the problem or a poor influence to the life of anyone who has ever been in your life, and that’s nothing you can fix, not being of value to anyone. So how did life used to be? I used to be happy, humorous, motivated, hardworking, driven, disciplined, I felt good about myself, I was at peace. I wanted to help others. I wanted to be supportive of others. I wanted to be able to get a job. I wanted to graduate. And what is the feeling like now. If I share about how Im feeling I become aggravated, my head hurts, I don’t feel good, I become unhappy. Im not proud of myself. I think I look stupid, I feel powerless, there is nothing I can do to change my life, I don’t feel like trying, I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know where to work. I don’t know where Im headed in the next 1-3 years. I don’t know if I’ll ever date again. I don’t know if Ill find love. I don’t know if I will be able to have a companion in life, I don’t know if Illl be able to work. All of these feelings are a result of allowing someone from your past to get through to you now, and cause you physical and mental illness, just feeling scared as to what they have left in them to do to you, to finish ruining your life, embarrassing you, making you look stupid, devaluing you, making fun of your choices in life, when you were obese 192 lbs, bipolar (hearing voices), self-harming, and not feeling good about yourself, and whos fault is that? No one ever convinces you that your nothing in life, its actually you allowing people to convince you you are nothing and not continuing to believe in yourself. You might not be for everyone, but that doesn’t mean stop living your life, and that’s why I continued to blog, not to be a startup, not to get 17 million fans, not to make money on site indices .com, not to be listed as a top blogger for some blurb about me, in the positive, its because it is my calling in life to help others, its how I feel best situated in life, doing something for someone else in life that I am not able to do for myself (make money), and its not for underserved status in life (to be famous). Im not strong enough to be famous, Im not strong enough to be a public speaker, Im not strong enough to handle lawsuit, and Im not strong enough to handle hate. Ive never been in a single fight in my entire life, but once you lose power its like all your decision making power is out of your control, then you get thrown into rehabs, then no one will date you, then you get labeled an addict, then you get treated like your mentally ill, and no one believes in your diagnosis, then think you don’t need geodone, they think youll feel good on adderral like its an upper, I have disability, I take naps on cocaine, it does the opposite to my mind and body, adderrall and cocaine makes me sleepy, it stops my thoughts from running in a negative direction, and stops me from thinking all together, Ive never had mood instability in any relationship, in any friendship, in any school, why all of a sudden now, am I made to feel sick by people hurt easily, if I photograph my body loses shape, my face loses shape, I didn’t deserve to go through all these physiological defects in life, not be able to recognize myself in a picture. I don’t hit on anyone, Im nice to everyone, I don’t need sex, Ive never not been laid, Ive never reported anyone or accused them of rape, or cheating, or playing me, Ive always gotten tested, since when is someones personal life (preferences, sexual history, or mental disability) anyones business, but my own, it seems when you concentrate on my life or my personal history that’s when I get made to not feel good about myself and get mental illness, that is not sound smart everything sounds personal, I sound stupid, I sound immature and I don’t make progress in life, and that’s treating someone as defective, mentally ill, moody, or not appreciative of the life they already had and have left to live. So someone explain to me, why is everyone being hard on me like Im not a woman. Im not gay, Im not the man to your equation, your first experience to your straight life, your pretend friend to make you feel tough or strong again, or the person to experiment with to make jealous, or see if I transition into someone fat or ugly or manly. There has got to be a better system of treating a woman like a woman, than treating her like shes gay!
#dontdodrugs: Whatever your reasons at the time are for being made to try drugs or to do drugs, none of those reasons are ever a good enough reason, to engage in any illegal substance use or abuse, anytime you engage in any unlawful activity with a substance that is not approved by law, you are doing something wrong, not only are you doing something wrong to your body, but as a consequence you will not be made to feel good about yourself, let alone feel good around others, it doesnt matter if people are doing drugs with you, in a movie, or in a song, it doesnt mean that that is your ticket to hot, or weight-loss, or feeling pretty, feeling good, or how to feel loved, its hard to be close to others when you do not feel good about yourself, drugs are the one thing that makes you think you are feeling good, when it actually makes you a less attractive to mate to others the more unstable you become, and if you are not stable and not feeling good about yourself, chances are you will not be able to date, or make anyone else feel good by what you are choosing to do to your body and to your brain, its not a replacement for love or feeling good, drugs is not the solution to whatever is missing from your life or not going well for you, it will always bring you down in life, and so long as you are the kind of person who is allowing themselves to be brought down in life, dont expect anyone to be there for you to lift you up, it will be you that has brought yourself down in life, and have become a difficult person to care for, to support, or to trust. #dontdodrugs Im now 16 years sober and clean from cocaine, which I went to rehab for 2007, at Boulder Community Hospital. I will always regret having tried cocaine, I dont think it was necessary having already been prescribed adderrall and was high functioning and on Deans List (on two adderralls a day and no night meds, a stay at home student, have lived alone my entire life 2004-2017, and have never had a problem with the law and have never been in a fight in my entire life, have always been independent, have never been raped, have never not had friends, have been taken advantage of only if I was out with friends drinking, which is probably a miscommunication to someone who started a conversation with me, and for me to talk to them, being up in life feeling good about myself and for that to have been misunderstood as for allowing someone to do me or have sex with me, which doesnt always make you feel good afterward, to have sex with someone you are not attracted to). Its not always your job to make others feel good, or to feel bad if you are not able to make someone feel good, its not your fault. Allow for feelings to be hurt, its better than you allowing for yourself to feel hurt with regret for allowing someone to use your body in order to them to feel good, and devalue yourself in that way. In your 20s, your a free spirit and you dont always think of the consequences of drinking or dating, and having casual sex, as you get older you become less inclined to live for the moment, and love so freely, thats after you have been hurt, and it may take you a long time to warm up to people, to be yourself around others, to talk freely, to be open to meeting new people, to be open to dating, and thats nothing that anyone should ever take personally when a woman decides to stop putting out, respect that decision, respect peoples reservations. As important as it may be for you to make some kind of a joke out of someones life who has self-harmed, convince them to self-harm or become suicidal because you think thats a good joke, be careful not to attempt to exercise a good use of humor (or inappropriate sense of humor on the subjects you may think are relevant overviewing the life of someone you deem unimportant to society) to make anyone not feel good about themselves or knowing of someone who's life was treated as a joke, not the anecdote to hate, disability, discrimination, violence, or whatever other ailments we have suffered from this far as a Country over the past year, thats not how you shine light on special interests, thats not how you calculate for solution for world peace, thats not the basis for which deals work or dont work, and thats not for any one person to decide or experiment with the good health of someone who has been open about their condition, has recently suffered from some amount of stress putting them at risk for heart attack and stroke, then making any abrupt decision to end their life for them, in the form of embarrassment, physical injury hurt and mental disability. #stophate Originally Posted 02-26-21
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I think Im going to take a break from blogging, for the time being, and focus on my health. Its clear that in order to blog, I need to maintain a steady regime of walking everyday, long distance running, focus on weight-loss staying positive, be more at peace with myself my past and anything going on recently for me, which shouldn't require too much unnecessary explanation. This is not what I wanted to happen for any reason, for things to get worse, for any suicides to occur, I dont think that I make the best role model but its been my experience in IOP and group therapy sessions, that people have been vocal about their experiences, the only difference is that online, there is no signed confidentiality agreement, and not everyone is required to respect you, or not judge you, or not talk about your condition, in a way thats not beneficial to your health. Just because Im blogging or have been hospitalized past doesnt mean it was ever my fault for experiencing bipolar symptoms. I think I improved a lot, I never did not expect to ever get sick again, or slow down, or not feel good about myself, I think there is always a chance for being hurt upon being close to anyone for any given amount of time, and Ive never had to apologize in public so many times, if Ive ever been hurt, and for me not to feel the same way I did about life after having to disclose. So Im not sure what kind of regret Im being faced with in life. Which is why it was so important for me to write articles, to cite, to be professional, to learn blogging, continue my education, share my progress, my goals in life, and to me that was an exciting life to follow someone who is working toward being a better person, stetting goals, and being able to achieve goals in life, not in any stuck state of any amount of disagreement in life. So I plan to continue reading, move forward, not allow myself to become aggravated, do my best to avoid sharing anything "psychiatric" than can be solved with a medication adjustment. And just do my best to write from a different place in life emotionally, not a place in which I dont feel good about myself, and be able to speak from a place, where I look back, and wonder I cant believe I felt that way, or wonder why I sounded so immature, be strong again, not so weak emotionally, not so bothered, and be my confident self again. What I need to work on.
I need time to focus on, why I am presently not able to work, whats not working out for me in life, what I feel confident in, whats putting me at odds (voices), what I need to overcome (mental health wise), figure out where my voice is coming from, who I am connected to, who I am speaking for, whats going on within me, see my psychiatrist, get a better understanding of whats making it difficult to talk to people, how Im addressing my audience, what is causing me instability, when things feel like its a good day, when I am not sounding well or sound like Im having a good day, what does a bad day feel like, why am I sometimes able to speak fluidly, what is slowing me down, where do my ideas come from, how am I able to say something original and helpful, what is interfering with my ability to sound smart, what do I want in life, where do I think I belong in life, what will make me happy, what do I need in life to make me happy, who should I share love with, why I am not speaking well on my blog, why does everything sound like talking, why do I not sound professional, what is it that others have against me, whats so not cool about me, what is what is expected from me, whats a good attitude in life? Originally Posted 02-26-21 Where does your sense of pride lie? Is it in your success, is it in how you have overcome failure, addiction, breakup, job loss, setback, embarrassment, punishment, bullying, grade drops. What will be the characteristics that define you later in life? Which is half of what you say, and is comprised of half of what others have to say about you, based on what they have read about you, what has been disclosed (no matter what circumstance you have ever been in which made you feel like it was necessary to disclose, defend, or shine light on a issue, you are not comfortable with sharing about yourself or others), what will the special consideration if any taken with regards to your privacy interests be respected, and what would cause anyone to violate your right to privacy in the pursuit of what benefit, good knowledge, or proof of where you have been what your experiences have been like, what you have accomplished, how much work have you gotten done, that is ultimately something that you cannot fight about later in life, what is known about you, disclosed in private in your computer or phone, or what is later made to be said out-loud, to all your following and to all members of your audience. Ive never experienced mental illness in my life, any addiction left untreated, or have had any issues with drinking too much, or dating outside of monogamy. What is the basis for others lowering their tolerance with regards to how they feel about their own interests, usually has to do with them not respecting your space, which could mean not being nice to you, being cold to you, reading your blog, not being appreciative of the platform you have built for yourself, to speak in favor of what everyone else is going through trying to adjust to the times, not feel out of loop, or be too hard on themselves not to see life as difficult, or any problem unsolveable. You cant discriminate people from reading your blog, and although that may be an energy you are choosing not to focus on, its not worth mentioning how you would feel is someone did not like you and was reading your blog, that’s something you don’t have control over and there is nothing I can do about someone knowing me, who I don’t want to be all up in my business, searching through all my posts, or creating some type of story for themselves about how they have been affected by my blog, as though I have ever chosen to live a life in solitude, without any input from anyone, no help from anyone, no job, no career, and not be able to make enough money to house and provide for myself one day, that’s extremely stressful. So now blogging is not for fun, its not a fancy job in place of a fancy job, its not a fancy career to be identified as pretty or likeable, its not a fancy job in order to get married and pregnant, its not a fancy job to have friends that are women, its not a fancy job to attract any clients or try to help anyone that I do not have experience helping in life, or be put in a state of mind (mentally and physically) to not be able to care for myself or another human being, its not my job to explain what causes mental illness, its not my job to explain what causes jealousy, its not my job to psychoanalyze anyone who doesn’t like me, its not my job to run a political campaign over breakups and identity and who is who and who deserves what in life, and its not my job to represent anyone, to defend anyone, to speak on behalf of anyone, or to talk about anyone from my life, who I am not in contact with, and make anything that I have to say about anyone who does not like me. What you do in life is your business and is none of my business what anyones reservations are about me, my life, or what sharing my life exposes anyone else to about life that they cant already see for themselves. What amazes me is how funny everyone thinks it is to be purposefully mean to me or discriminatory to me, just to see how it affects me, whether I can tell anything being done is being done for reaction from me, or to cause lawsuit or complaint, if that’s the case explains why I don’t have anyone in my life, I don’t talk to anyone, and I don’t date anyone, because its not worth it to me, to have anyone of value in my life, who others are going to fight with me over, who possesses their heart, or who is allowed to be close to them, love them, or be trusted in anothers care. So lets all be understanding of one another, that we are all good people, if I was not a good person, I would be dead, have committed suicide already, probably would’ve been beat up, or fired, or dumped, or failed out of law school, be stuck in jail, be suicidal in jail, have been sued, have moved to another state, would not be able to run outside, would not be allowed to blog, think about it. Everyones important, we get that, everyone made money, everyone has big homes, everyone owns stocks, everyone has jobs, everyone has kids, everyone loves tech, everyone has a macbook, everyone has itunes, everyone loves music, everyone loves movies, everyone thinks theyre hot, everyone has sex, everyone eats burgers, everyone knows OJ, everyones been to court, everyone sues everyone, everyone thinks theyre smart, everyone is privileged, everyone thinks everyone is shady, everyone thinks theyre fat, everyone thinks theyre shy, everyone thinks theyre old, everyone thinks everyone else is mentally ill, everyone doesn’t understand bipolar, everyone drinks, everyone thinks drugs are stupid, everyones seen someone naked, everyones been naked, everyone wears bathing suits, everyone text messages, everyone videos life, everyone has taken a selfie, everyone used to be young and healthy, everyone thinks theyre funny, everyone wants to drive a nice car, no one can afford a big home, no one can afford rent, everyone takes time getting used to, everyone remembers what school was like, no one likes violence, everyone screams at eachother, everyone loves their family, everyone dates, everyone worries that everyone is racist, everyone thinks that everyone has it easy in life. I think we are getting somewhere finally ….
Have not been feeling well, have not been able to call in and continue doing work at the new job that approved of me. Have been having difficulty blogging and feeling good. I am doing my best to speak intelligently. There are too many things to keep track of in terms of solution provided, and then be able to continue doing well, and not be made to not like myself or feel sick, its become very complicated for me to understand the reasons for which I am not liked, or not able to make others feel good or be accepting of me. Its not my fault I dont feel good, I did my best to take good care of myself over the past 4-8 years, improving, finished law school in the capacity that I was able in an MSL legal research and writing degree, its not my fault Im burnt out, mentally, trying to manage symptoms of bipolar, and also speak well online, so that my image is appreciated, so that I am not treated as someone who is doing better than others, or is out and about or applying for jobs in order to do better than I was doing which was doing well blogging online. All I wanted was to have a companion in life, its clear to me that I dont match easily with everyone, that there is something about me that is not well or not consistent, and it starts with my writing, the energy that I feel in return for something I have said. Life has become more and more complicated for no reason, which occurs when not everyone respects you or values you or is interested in you. If blogging is not a solution to my mental health issues, then it will have been a painful use of time to have written without pay, and then be made to not feel good about myself, and about my progress, which breaks my heart, along with not being able to share conversations or love with anyone, and be too hard to love, or be around, so thats disappointing myself, and also not doing well, whether by something I have said or because of something someone else has said, or because of what was done to me, or whether I allow myself to be hurt, whether I subject myself to hurt, or whether my story was never not inspiring or helpful at one point, and now wondering why if Im not famous, what is the energy coming from me at this moment in time, apart from everyone, that makes me sick, or not feel good, throwing up, and Im not sure what can be done if Im not feeling well physically, not running/walking everyday as I used to, being sedentary stuck in bed all day, and also do my best not to allow my condition, changed condition, to affect my output, what I have to say about my life, not sound like Im fighting for my life, or being combative, or too sensitive, and if I self-harm that breaks my heart, thats hurts me physically, that does not solve or cure voices, bullying, or change the effect that anyone has on me in life, which is all positive, so if I dont feel well, that means that I need to find people in life to connect with who make me feel well, and make sure that they are who they say they are, and be present and able to talk in therapy, about things that are relevant at the moment, be able to think about what is working for me what is not working for me and why Im not feeling well right now, after visiting all the doctors and being interviewed at the ER, I have no idea why Im in pain.
Originally posted 02-22-21 One thing you’ll learn about success, is that you cant keep going if you cant keep going, and in order to keep going, you have to figure out what is holding you back, what are your deficiencies, what are your potential setbacks, what are your fears, and also pay attention to audience reactions, what is liked, what subjects are shyed away from, what sounds good, what needs work, what needs to be said, and what has not been said that can make things better. Doing well as a blogger is all about, minimizing controversy, not being avoidant to major issues, saying what you think will help a situation, leaving things open, and not similarly subjecting your audience to any misunderstandings that you may have encountered getting going as a blogger. There will always be some expectation, for you to be in a certain place in life, where you can answer all questions about life, even if they are not asked, and that doesn’t also mean that we currently hold an opinion about matters not directly affecting us currently. Starting August to November, I encountered a very heavy pressure, a negative pressure, which Im not completely sure I was capable of overcoming, and while I have grown as a blogger since, that doesn’t mean that things got better for me emotionally, physically, or mentally, you will always hit roadblocks moving forward, that may turn up in the form of a past decision made you are made not to feel good about, or a future decision that needs to be made, that you don’t feel 100% confident about moving forward through disclosure of your own interests, and not affecting your health or the health of anyone, not a party to your personal best interests in life, and that’s the difficulty with growing as a blogger. Not be tied down by any connections in life, misunderstandings, or controversy, and being able to rise to the occasion of speaking your mind, without becoming insulted about anything past said, that’s being in a better state of mind, when you are not affected by the past, and that’s being present, not being stuck thinking about something or being bothered about something that you don’t have control over, such as what people think. I can already tell writing this post, that I don’t have a specific direction that Im going in, and while that may be troubling to me, to zone out, I don’t think its beneficial to say out loud. Some things are best kept to yourself, and nothing gets better so long as you talk about your problems, this I experienced while being alone for many years, living a very quiet life disciplined as a long distance runner, I had many years to think about life, what I wanted to do with my life, and how important it was for me to stay well and be strong, in order to be more resilient and not get sick over any number of reasons, that one gets sick, stuck under a negative spotlight in life. I just read an article on effectiviology.com, who described the “spotlight effect.” [1] This article reminds us as writers, bloggers, influencers, and professionals to “feel less self-conscious and more confident,” [2] how so? If seeing is believing, then how is it possible to convince your audience, that you have overcome your mental health issues, or setbacks past, other than a public demonstration of your current state of mind in the form of writing online, for some that will not be enough to get them to rely on you, trust you, believe in you, or be made to feel good by you, there will always be hesitancies in life, if anyone is made to not feel sure about someone, and that’s always in your best interests to trust your instincts, that doesn’t mean that my website is going to fail, or that Im going to fail, you wont always get that much reassurance in life, to see a visual change in a person to know that you have done the right thing ignoring someone or not talking to them or not paying attention to them, get a pat on your back for your decision to exclude, ignore, or not allow for a person presence in your life, we all get to pick and choose who to include in our lives, and for the most part, people are avoidant of those the determine to be troubled, or mentally ill, unintelligent, or not worth the company. So be mindful as a blogger, that as much as you are stuck obsessing over what everyone thinks, more times than not people are not bothered by you until you mention things in a way that makes them feel like you are trying to say that other people are the cause for your own instability, or demeanor in life, we cant really credit people that much for any changes we endure, and we cant also take the blame if we don’t succeed and become sick, be accused of “asking for it” in life, leading a life that deserves mistreatment or lack of respect, treated as though our presence does others wrong, and this is why people disassociate from people who they deem are: mentally ill, problematic, socially disoriented, poor decision makers, or who don’t represent positive traits in a person, intermingle among the well, why people get discriminated, because of what they look like, not to be duplicated among a majority they view as being better situated than them in life, not to expose others to see someone in person, who they don’t deem fit for public appearances. Effectivology.com states that “whenever we think about what other people think about us, we tend to overestimate how likely they are to notice things that we do, as well as how likely they are to care about those things.” [3] How does this affect someone as a blogger or a writer? “We experience the spotlight effect because when we think about how other people see us, we suffer from an egocentric bias, which is the tendency to anchor other people’s viewpoint to our own.” [4] This explains the change (November 2020 – February 2021) on mymollydoll.com. If you are ever concerned with what people think, and if you have not heard anything negative as of yet in reality, or by comments, then its not something that you should allow yourself to be consumed by, the potential for negative assumptions to be made concerning your likes, dislikes, dress, demeanor, weight loss, success, or struggles in life, unfortunately we don’t live in a take you as you are society anymore, in which people give others the benefit of the doubt, you often times have to prove yourself worthy of being in the company of others, and if your not careful be treated as someone benefiting from an interaction and for it not to be viewed as a mutually beneficial union of interests, but that’s okay, people who have it all, don’t generally see you as able to benefit them in the positive, not if you cant speak of yourself in the positive, and present more reservations, then state what is going well for you in general without the need to explain how or why, or by what circumstances, or specific successes experienced in the lives of others, that you were ever noticed, I don’t think if you are not well that anyone notices you hence 14,000 Highest Rank on Alexa to 50,000, that’s not being able to keep going in life, and being held back in life by some negative pressure that your not completely sure what it is about, that also doesn’t mean that you can simply get a job and start getting paid doing something completely different with your life, that’s one thing Ive learned about blogging, that it only goes well for so long as you feel well, and in the event you are ever taken advantage of in a corrupt way, overexposing your best interests in a way that’s defamatory, compromising, or subjects you to hate, that’s nothing you can control, not then, not now, and not ever during the time you are put under duress, as though your face, statements, or conduct has anything to do with the Country as a whole, or other Countries for that matter in terms of what they think of us, I think that’s taking things too far. The result, “we tend to be quite focused on our own actions and thoughts.” [5] So don’t take your tone for granted, the more serious life gets the more energy it takes to dispel question or hate for that matter, it’s a tough subject to talk about, but its important nonetheless, to be careful of who you speak to, always be someone who is nice to know, that also doesn’t mean let just anyone control you, you are worth more than that, you are more important that that, you don’t need to stoop so low for attentions in life, you don’t need negative attention, you don’t need favors, all you need is yourself (COVID), and if you cannot be strong on your own, then its no ones job to make you any less strong, so that you don’t survive, so that you get sick, so that you cant date, so that you cant procreate, so that you don’t get a job, who wants to live a life anyways subjected to ridicule, loss of respect, and wrongful accusations, as though ones personal health has anything to do with anyone elses health in life, including their mental health. If I have made it this far being professional online, then there is not reason, why I cannot work, get paid, and move forward in life. -This is probably why I have not published a book yet, everyone jumping the gun on me, I know that life is exciting, but the future opportunity for me is not limited that its an emergency to be a NY Time Best Seller right now at this moment, be famous, or be featured in a magazine, article written about me, and that also doesn’t give anyone the permission to trash me, hurt my earning capacity, or wrongfully accuse me of being obsessed with anyone else career or livelihood. Learn to be happy for people, even if you cant control them, get under their skin, insult them, or cause them physical and mental disability. I have been on bed rest for years, working on getting well, overcoming the medications I was put on that most incapacitate me and leave me bed ridden and tired. So if Im awake and if Im trying its not my last leg in life, its Im pushing myself so that I can live life as dramatic as that seems to anyone who has money and a home, I have nothing! I have to work hard to that I can earn money and have a home! That’s how important my life is to me whether you understand that or not, don’t destroy me don’t destroy my family, don’t hurt the Country’s faith, don’t hurt the faith of women who are trying to be strong and positive, and don’t hurt the faith of men who liked me enjoyed reading my work, were rooting for me, and are happy that I am sounding better, and not stuck in bipolar delusions, made to feel like Im bigger than I am, treat me like Im smaller than I am or for any other reason thought better than me because Im half-filipino, half-jewish, unmarried, single, in the process of working at a job, be misdiagnosed in public to have unreal expectations for myself or others, if two attorneys died of aneurism and cancer, then yes that would be me too being defensive and unapologetically to myself and not social, because we don’t completely know the reasons for which people are made to feel sickly, mentally or physically disabled, by what currents of disbelief in life, are caused when the smart cannot be trusted, when the uneducated assume that we have more, when there is competition over wellness, when we get judged by our home, when we get judged by our associations, or if we get judged by how we responded to a flood in Texas, left my AA meeting with 2nd degree burns on my shin, there was an earthquake in Mexico, and three + major fires in California, and what did I do, I started writing books, when no one had anything to say, when no one knew what to do, and when there was no public discussion whatsoever about how anything happened, or who was to be held responsible for any number of deals put together, and whether specifically, how anyone was made to feel scared, was because of any deals that were put together, that I was never apart of, not by letter, not by text, not by messenger, not by website idea, not by job, and not by what Im doing now which has everything to do with being a positive sound board, to whatever mental health issues are currently derailing the best decision making of people, not make everything so heavy that everything is realized at once and causes anyone to feel sick, sad, or powerless, or responsible. So what is the solution? Please don’t hurt me or practice history, psychiatry, psychology, defamation, negative spotlight, humor, or racism on me, to get a result: positive or negative, to determine whether your own reactions where necessary or proper, given the subject matter of a conversation, that was not negative, or corrupt, or for any other reason that would ever make it proper to trash a human being online, who is connected to 17 million people and my family, in the middle of COVID (a pandemic), Riots (a symptom), Protests (a cause for action), Election (a reason to participate and be heard). If its not something I can stop, then what is in my power is not to give up, not to talk about how I got hurt, not to talk about everyone who was disappointed or upset, me myself included. #stophate
Reference: [1] https://effectiviology.com/spotlight-effect-stop-being-self-conscious/ [2] https://effectiviology.com/spotlight-effect-stop-being-self-conscious/ [3] https://effectiviology.com/spotlight-effect-stop-being-self-conscious/ [4] https://effectiviology.com/spotlight-effect-stop-being-self-conscious/ [5] https://effectiviology.com/spotlight-effect-stop-being-self-conscious/ Respect is not a right, you wont feel good to most, the ones who don’t believe in you, don’t admire you, don’t see you as important, don’t respect your privacy, don’t see a future in you, not sure about you, don’t need you, don’t value you, and don’t depend on you for anything in life. Then there is you as a writer, what you think, what you express, what comes naturally to you, and what others think youre about or trying to communicate, or in avoidance of discussion, what is published on your website, what is taken down, what is supplied, what is not shown, what is private, what is shared, and then judge you as someone with knowledge withholding solution to others, or not providing solution, or carrying some guilt, or disorder in life, not disclosed to the majority, its then to be measured in whos interests do your writings support, the interests of a minority of people who are disinterested in you or not attracted to you, or those who are new to any equations in life, hearing from you, and what you are thinking currently today. I don’t think that aggravation should be a shared feeling in life, it usually only benefits whoever is not at peace with you, who then becomes happy to see you not at peace or aggravated and affected. Three is a such thing as playing with someones emotions, whether that’s to benefit someones understanding of human life and personality, not all are fond of being hurt, or mismanaged, or portrayed in the negative, or made to not speak from a place in which they are at peace and can demonstrate that they are at peace. According to unlvpress.com, “Respect in a person’s words and actions are vital for both a person’s well-being and for society as a whole.” [1] This article believes that “respect is a right, not a privilege.” [2] This may be at the core the issue of millennials taking anyone seriously these days, and likewise if you are 30 and above, you really don’t have the time for being sidetracked in life, misinformed, put at odds, or be subjected to any number of difficulties in life, be brought down in life, by anything you have said, or anything that anyone else has said, which you believe to demonstrate some guilt of some kind, some discomfort of some kind, most just don’t have the time to deal with anyone, whos interests don’t serve them, and that to me is how respect is earned and lost, based upon the benefit from knowing you, how you are known, and how people fair in life knowing you, whether or not your position in life necessitates support. You would think that 5 years later, that someone would be able to move on in life, having done their time, away from society, at home, minding their own business, but that’s not always the case, that anyone who perceives you to have done any wrong in life, give you that privilege to move on and move forward with you in life, so that’s not that your feelings are hurt that you are held back in life, but that’s a treatment of you or condition placed over you or subject you to, that hold you back in life, and disables your ability to be your positive normal self, thinking things are about preserving the peace of a specific few who are not at peace when you are at peace or have moved on in life and that’s how short life is and that’s how unfortunately small the world is, everyone entitled to defending their own spaces in life, nothings a given, and that doesn’t mean that you have to give up your privacy rights, or your personal space in life (comforts) to anyone in life, just to earn a permission to move forward in life, and let things go. Life is precious and life is short, and its never necessary to ruin someons life, so that they cant move on and focus without an unwanted pressure that they cannot report because it cannot be proven the causes for disability, change, mental health issues, physical illness, rejection, or failure, that means there is something wrong with you that is intolerable to anyone who thinks that you have done anyone wrong purposefully and then not be willing to support you, or advocate for your best interests, if they haven’t taken it to court, then they also don’t have the permission to practice witchcraft or me or my family and give me a hemangioma, mental illness (“voices”) by misdiagnosing me in public, put me to sleep tire me cause me confusion push me demand anything from me, or claim that Im defective or not recovered and positive influence, Ive gotten all my lab results I have no cancer, no disease, no COVID, and I don’t have a fractured hand anymore, Im 35, I have bipolar, learning disability, and Im fertile meaning (I can have kids, I can get pregnant, and I still have eggs), that means that I have a future, that I don’t need to be finished off, put down, or a notice to be sent to the world that there is something physically or mentally wrong with me and put me in harms way, and be wrongfully accused or not being concerned or connected to other human beings, and not taking good care of myself, I ran a half-marathon, Im not suicidal, I have not self-harmed since (August 2019 was hospitalized for it). And I was hoping to help everyone writing online, and move forward get a job and start earning a living, be paid for my work, I have recently completed my first assignment. I have a new boss who is willing to train me and help me in life to provide for myself and be independent again, I also have an Attorney in the event that anyone sues me and complains about my mental health, I am not blamed as some bobo doll “Psychology,” experiment or a disease carrying woman who has sex, I don’t have sex, I stopped having sex (2014) when I got carcinoma cancer and had two surgeries to stop “Ovarian Cancer,” and then I lost 50lbs because that was me recognizing that its dangerous to date go out and have human contact in the form of sex. So respect that about me, that I value having good clean fun, and Im not pg-13 on purpose to pretend like Im this good perfect person and that women who show skin are dirty, I think all things you do, to devalue a woman is dirty, so please don’t make “nasty gal,” joke about a millionaire who made money off a “Biggie” song joke, and then went out of business, that’s her deal, her moon helmet book, and has nothing to do with me. #righttoprivacy.
Reference: [1] https://www.unlvfreepress.com/respect-is-a-right-not-a-privilege/ To Get Well and Get a Job: Stay sober, go to Therapy, Dont post anything that reflects poorly on yourself or others, be a happy person, be trusting, be social, try harder, write intelligently, dont complain, do your best.
I think what happens to you when you don’t know anyone, and don’t have any friends to be out with, I don’t think those are normal experiences to be out alone, and I also never thought that the world wasn’t safe or that there was something unlikeable about me, have never not been comfortable around people, or had voices (2008-2017). Ive only had voices (2006, and 2017), both due to drug use, so now I know that when youre well, that’s not a good time to be social, and that’s not how you feel good, or are made to make important decisions in life, taking care of yourself on bipolar meds, if you want to be well received in life you have to be out in the daytime, even if youre getting As in law school, that doesn’t mean that its okay to hang out with a friend twice, people will later not respect you by what they think youre doing with your life, and its when respect is lost of you, that you feel off center, get voices, and don’t feel solid, and that’s a consequence of someone seeing you as small, or not having taken good care of yourself or others, and seeing you as chemically dependent, not important, ghetto, or a drug addict alcoholic, if you are the thinnest you have been in your life, ran for 60 days for an hour, lost 50lbs and proud of yourself, without taking photos of yourself, your body, or sharing photos of yourself or body with anyone you know or don’t know. The point at which you are being observed, will always be when you are not affected by most things, and its not until you are affected that others feel like they have their power back, to see someone in disarray, to not know why, and assume that you devalued yourself, not graduating, not getting a job, misrepresenting the cares of others, not worth talking to, so while you may think life is good, and be at peace, if you are not the same person everywhere in life with everyone, and if you devalue yourself, that is why you wind up feeling lost, not trusted, considered an embarrassment, or a risk to yourself or others, “not intelligent,” “not smart,” “not of value,” “a joke,” “unintelligent,” “bratty.” --I used to only shop at Target (2013-2019). On a budget. Presently symptomatic (hearing voices), overcoming self-harm, need to start walking everyday, take it easy, work on keeping a job, disclose my condition to my new boss, and do my best to stay well, work on an as needed basis, getting paid hourly, and do my best to overcome embarrassment, and also figure out how to represent others well, given my mental health issues, not subject myself to harm, or those I care about put in harms way.
If I cant stay well, then the blog doesnt work out, the job doesnt work out, let alone, marriage or dating, I think Ive accepted the fact that Im not having kids, now that I have recurring (voices > self-harm) thats not a condition that I can control through blogging, and its really no ones fault, what kinds of imagined pressures I get put under in life, or think too hard about whether Ive been hurt when and why, and just move forward in life, stay alive, be well. I understand that everyone is struggling right now, and if anyone should be happy and be doing well it should be me, since I have been working hard for 8 years, to work toward a paid position, and also in writing prove that Im intelligent, sensitive, care a lot about others, never having issues of my own, with no history of being an embarrassment, or letting anyone down in life. I think based on who you are, and how easily you are triggered in life, or feelings hurt, is something you need to mature from, and not allow yourself to get hurt, lose confidence in life, make smarter decisions, not be too loving, not trust the wrong people, or be convinced youre something youre not, that includes being famous (not printed in professional text), or be treated as stronger than you are, as though you have experience with public relations, or managing your own identity, how you are known is not in your control, and thats not something you can change, and especially not if you have ever self-harmed, or been made to not feel good about yourself, thats something that you overcome, and eventually do better in life, that doesnt mean that you will have a better life, not if you allow the symptoms to persist, and cannot manage your own symptoms (bipolar). Even if no one believes you, thinks you can perform without meds, I just dont think its appropriate for any discussion of potential at this point in time, not if you get hurt again, then thats my own fault, for being embarrassed in public, I have never self-harmed out of frustration or been unhappy with myself, its a product of others not being happy with you, being hard on you, and you losing your stability, in any amount of chaos, its not a condition you can explain to anyone, it doesnt mean that I have done anything wrong and that also doesnt mean that I have ever been made to feel sick or "suicidal" because of anything I have said, or been someone offended, and then not have liked myself, I dont really know what to say. You cant please them all. Self-harm is a private struggle, its not something that anyone respects you for, how you deal with your problems or "auditory delusions," thats really not my fault, how "voices" are caused and Im assuming it occurs if people dont like you, or are trying to communicate to you without you knowing who they are, whether by phone or computer, I think in writing, I do my best to be normal, unfortunately the last 8 years were not perfect, mental health wise, and if I ever have a regret its self-harm, or feeling defeated in life, or not strong, and giving up. I have not been doing well for several days now, and I dont know why I have not been feeling well, and its not something you can snap out of, wake up from, it takes time to heal from bipolar, to get strong again be posiitve. Originally Posted: 01-16-21 Posted on "Self-Harm" Research Page 02-18-21 Theres a lot going on in the world, and I have been willing to blog in spite of all the health issues everyone is facing right now, I go through my own personal struggles on my own in life, and I don’t want to be another prime example of anyone not doing well when they should be doing well or not saying the right things, and helping to benefit the understanding of anyone who is going through something not get help. If there is one thing Im a good example of is getting treatment or going to the hospital anytime I feel off, or cannot think, cannot memorize, don’t feel good, or cant sleep, and it can be for any number of reasons, that meds are working or not working and that’s something to go to the hospital for. So while in the past I was vocal of what I have been through that was generous of me to share my timelines in life, something I went through not a huge story about life, Im sure not everyone struggles with mental health issues to the extent they need hospitalization. That being said, once you get put on meds youre on meds for the rest of your life, and that doesn’t mean that Im psychotic or of below average intelligence not smart or stupid sounding, because Im on meds. I think that’s the misunderstanding, so if you get treated like your psychotic or schizophrenic, then that’s a really heartbreaking experience to be treated as not gonna make it, not going to work, cannot take care of themselves, or provide for self or others, and that’s a really challenging concept to comprehend earning a wage, and being able to take care of yourself past hospitalization. The meds don’t make you smarter, they make you slower, so as a result those who feel better than you may come across as being hard on you, because they are thinking based upon how they feel and probably don’t understand how you struggled if you finish law school, or if you look well think there is nothing wrong with you. I just made a huge ugly photos photo album from the years I was not doing well and what I looked like, remember where you were, and be proud of yourself for overcoming mental health issues, self-harm, and every other problem that occurs when any number of people are not okay with you, not proud of you, or think that you are bringing others down, or no one special to be proud of. Like yourself at least, keep yourself busy, stay well, keep going in life, make friends, be supportive, try hard, and hopefully things will work out for you in life, like they did for me, its just one bad year, so everything Im sure will get better overtime, recovery is a process, its not a good time to get into anyone elses issues in life, when everyone is incredibly busy trying to stay well not think too much about life.
Im lucky I got a job, so I need to do my best not to allow any of my personal struggles in life to carry over into work, or be discussed with my Boss, that’s not his job, to solve my problems. And Im sorry if anyone ever had a problem with me, or did not like how I carried myself, what I was doing with my life, or did not approve of anyone I fanned or was in approval of, and later came to admire, after getting to know their story. The world is a big place, and chances are if you are not comfortable being in the spotlight, others are more willing to represent the issues. (I) After attending a Laker Game, and seeing Ari Emanuel in person, that was my first introduction to his name, and to his face. I had heard of his name through a popular television show “Entourage” Ive seen only a couple episodes of. He was wearing a vest, and sweatpants, in navy blue, seating next to a friend, who then mouthed something to me, from across the court, someone who looked like they were from the show Jersey Shore, a man, had a purse at his feet, maybe a real Birkin. During halftime, I stayed, and he walked over to greet Jeanie Buss, who sits in front of us, behind the courtside seats. Behind the family who owns LA Gear, they were Windward Students, and had floor seats for several years, I attended almost every Laker Game 2008, and saved all my Free Taco Tickets, in my Business Cards album. That was before her Mother passed away, and before we lost Kobe Bryant in a helicopter crash. I met Ari Emanuel November 2019, on Messenger, and sent him updates, had just started distributing my blog on blopros July 2019, and started getting likes that showed up in my Facebook button, and when I was getting 200 Likes per post, the Likes stopped showing up, I had been blocked from posting links on Facebook, due to a “Community Standards” violation, I was not made aware of. This is why you have to be careful what you say, no matter what amount of pressures you are under, no matter who has passed, to always respond with etiquette, by what you know, not go by what you have been told, following their passing, that’s insight shared from another, that later does not reflect the care and attention paid following those losses, to support my Siblings, while in Law School 2010, I took Criminal Law and got two As on both essays, and was #3 in my Class to Start. It was all of my Brothers friends who called me to talk, and then to call my Brother to break the news to him, he had been suffering for some time, and once recommended that he go back to school and to take his meds, I did not believe in at the time, I had a WLAC Course Guide in my car, because I wanted to finish my Paralegal Certificate too, to start working, bumped into him twice before he passed, once outside the Beverly Center on his way to Sushi Roku, and once at Qs he was eating alone in a booth. I used to pick him up in Boulder when he needed a ride, and gave my bong to him, when I moved into the dorms, because I could not keep it there, and quit smoking weed 2003. In a spur of the moment response, to the fact that his Mother did not invite any of his friends to his Funeral, made a Page on Facebook, my first Page, and they all responded, and shared stories and photos, and participated on Facebook, I got his birth date or a year wrong, and my Brother corrected me, it was then I started to have paranoia, managing a page online, and instead printed all the photos and posts, and made an album for his Mother instead, to keep as a reminder of him, in case she didn’t think his friends cared they did. So when Major visited me for coffee 2017, and told me that he had been doing drugs before he passed away, I was in disbelief, because I knew he suffered from “Schizophrenia” and my Sister’s friend suffered from “Depression, took Wellbutrin” who I was told had difficulties in her relationship with her Father. I last saw her picking her and my sister up from a Club in Hollywood the designated driver, and we ate at Ketchup afterward at The Roosevelt Hotel, and when she bumped into me at CVS, paid me back for dinner, I didn’t ask for money, she was always very sweet and energetic the two of them hyper together, putting in her hair extension clip ins, in the bathroom, and had photos in my computer of them I think at one point. I saw her older sister who attended school with my BFF, at my BFF “guy’s” house, she is friends with his Wife, the last dinner I attended at his house before they got married, and was not flown to his wedding because I was up all night running, and was not keeping a fixed schedule working, but had lost 50lbs. I saw them last in DC, after having visited, I was supposed to work in DC Summer 2011, got a job at DC Law Students in court, and with a job already accepted, I then received a call from Bazelon, who I did not disclose acceptance to, they were my first choice, “mental health law” since I had been hospitalized once before beginning Law School February 2009. In responding to one of the questions, I mentioned why I was interested in the Clerkship, because two family friends had passed away, and explained that to me it was a problem, and that something should be done, in order to prevent these types of losses, without knowing why, or understanding how possible. This was Fall 2010, I interviewed for jobs Summer 2011, Two Semesters in advance, I had just started dating a New Boyfriend October 2010, after we met Summer 2010, working for Children’s Law Center, I worked as a Law Clerk to Two Attorneys, and was very busy working at both office locations, and in court every morning taking notes. We did not meet until lunch one day, sat with a few co-workers, they were talking about something and by the end of the conversation, mentioned that I was half-asian, and he goes “why didn’t you say anything” exclaimed that to me, I was the only one not smiling, I didn’t understand the joke. Eventually he asked to smoke with me, eventually gave him a ride one day to the Courthouse, he did not have a car, he took the train everyday with another Law Student from Yeshiva, who mid conversation, said “Oh I share my notes with everyone,” and I didn’t that that was a good idea, but since she went to a better Law School than me, eventually shared whatever notes I had left in my computer, we met in the beginning of the Clerkship she was making “two hot pockets” in the microwave. And was told she encouraged Aaron to date me, go for it, I was hesitant to start, he was very shy, and eventually we went on our first date to the only bar restaurant in the area, and there was salsa dancing one night, and we danced, and he laughed. He was very shy, and awkward, he’s tall, was a wrestler in High School, when I took him to a Wine Bar, everyone was bumping into him, he had to lift his arms so they could get by, was not comfortable there, so we left, that was October, that’s when we first hooked up. When I went backpacking in August in Portugal, I was invited by my Best Friend, who took me, who travels a lot, I didn’t pass up the opportunity, and we were going to meet somewhere else, but then he chose Portugal last minute, and reserved a hotel room to meet at a Marriot, we never ended up staying at Hostels, I just found hotels and paid. He read a book the entire time about the US Supreme Court, we didn’t really talk, he was always on his phone. We are comfortable with eachother, he always laughs at all my jokes, who has always been very positive toward me, and am sad, that I could not stay well, to continue my friendships with everyone, be apart of, and took a different course in life, working in internships and writing online. If you don’t know how to help ask, and if you can help do so, but if you get in trouble, that’s your own fault in life, how a good deed, quickly got misunderstood to be for bad reasons attended a US Supreme Court hearing 2013 January, that was not not anything, and starting somewhere, and have not stopped writing since. So when I say Ive come a long way, I feel like I have, and while I have tried to stay in positive spirits and not try to take on many responsibilities in life, when I was well and able took jobs, and during the interim kept busy working from home, managing my own life, records, and files. If I couldn’t work in a Law Office, then that’s why I bought plastic filing cabinets, and used my high speed printer, and made folders for myself, and at least practiced skills, so in the event I was ever given a job, at least practiced managing my own life first, before stepping into anothers life and office. There is reporting and there is having fun, and you cannot mis the two, when it comes to talking in private, and if you ever stop and think and things seem serious in your mind, respect the lives of others, and not share those deductions or fears out loud, life is meant to be lived with normal conversations shared, talking about approved content, not stuff you think or fear, those worries become turn offs, and no one ever clarifies to you, whats going wrong in your life until you figure out things for yourself. And that’s instability, when you ever get lost and question others, is how friendships fade, and if you go public, is how you get ignored, and if you are being fun or entertaining others sharing your mind, then you look stupid. And by the time you arrive back to normal, everyone already knows what they know, while you suffered for 8 years just trying to get a solid head on your shoulders again confident, not following anyones lead in life, not being bothered by any comments, and without worry for anyone trying to cue you into things, and cause you to believe that others think differently of you. That’s laying low, figuring things out for yourself in life, without contributing to any chaos. I think that losses cause you to reflect, and that’s a normal reaction, and sometimes we ask for help and want to know why, and that’s something no one can explain to you, and always based on what your doing with your life, get viewed as the person known: and that’s whats being decided without my advisement, and why Im hearing voices, as though I was not positive enough or successful enough, as though my identity was hard to accept, as though I presented myself to the world in an offensive way sharing all the photos I had and took along the way, and whether anyone cared to understand my issues, or thought I was just looking for attentions in life. Well if no one talks to me, and if everyone is always busy, and if I have to be the one to maintain all my relationships in life, then eventually I get tired, and just maintain contact on a yearly basis with Friends who have known me my whole life. So that’s the burden that was suffered, how to blend in with the successful without interfering in their progress as a unit, and not to be someone they blame, as having contributed to any false understandings of the value of a human life, the preciousness of time, and the importance of being honest, and continuing to move forward in life, its that understanding of life known, that is what is not explained to you in life, how everything is connected, at best you are always responsible for your own connections in life, to make them proud, to work hard, and be a positive influence to others. So its doesn’t matter if all my photo albums are gone, all my yearbooks are gone, it doesn’t matter if I don’t have everything important to me, and things went missing, I never thought twice about it, or looked that hard for things in life, but its when things go missing, that you should say to yourself, do I deserve this, and when it starts to matter, that’s when your life is in danger, or being misunderstood as a cause for bad luck, and that’s how you eventually get mistreated to be someone more difficult or complicated than you are, simply because you are on meds, you are not well adjusted to in life, not feeling as smart, not easy to move around, in bed all day, and all you had time for was running and writing from your bed, or working dressed to the nines. Those were my only two modes. Be sure to speak of yourself in the positive, if you don’t present everything in the positive, that’s when people assume you have always been this way, no its not until later in life you get smart, and that occurs through education, not by luck, by choices and focus, and by doing the right thing, without the necessity for politicking or being social, I later found out, that only makes you appear to be more powerful than you are, as though you have always been this mature or bright your entire life, when it comes to the philosophy of public health, happenings, dating, love, relationships, friendships, academics, we all blossom at our own paces in life, and if you don’t work hard, then things don’t happen for you in life, and you don’t get jobs, not strong enough, not smart enough, not bright enough, not energetic enough, too many snafus in your past, and that’s what east at you little mistakes in lfie, you beat yourself over in for in life. By the time you regain control over your own thoughts, don’t be sad about the years lost, not applying for jobs, you can only do what you set you mind and heart to in life, and if working doesn’t feel right, and if you have already worked, and know what types of jobs you want in life, then its okay to stay home, and work from home, and make a job for yourself, and create a life for yourself, without interfering with the lives and progress of others, not be an embarrassment, not cause trouble, not being defensive, not being accusatory, and keep thinking, when one door closes another one opens. That’s how I live life, I never look back, not until AA, if you don’t recognize your problems, you wont think about your life, in a negative way, that’s when your functioning, an the minute you get made to feel ashamed of yourself, that’s when you stop functioning all together and getting good grades. That was the difference between having a career and working in DC, to being sent to Rehab because she would not prescribe me 3 adderrall, and was taken off all meds, then finishing my Paralegal Certificate and working in Marketing, then getting two jobs Summer 2012 one in Criminal Law Defense, and one at VWAP DA’s Office in Compton, that was August 2012 I got screamed at by those who have known me my whole life who didn’t understand what was wrong with me, maybe too focused and intense, and withdrawn quiet. Life isn’t a secret, never be ashamed about your worries in life, and its always okay to ask questions along the way, not keep everything to yourself. The main lesson is, the stronger you appear, and the more successful you become, the more others think that they are entitled to attack you, the more is wanted from you, the more is demanded from you, and the more you get made to feel like the work you have done thus far is not good enough, and that’s how someone of value, gets devalued in public, stands out, thinks no one is watching, then hurts me while everyone is watching, just to get a reaction from a crowd of people, and witness changes to my stats, I went up anyways, that’s the difference between giving up and losing in life to hate, or not contributing to questioning of you, as though you’ve not been reliable for 8 years helping everyone to the best of your ability, not trip out, and give up in life, and not put anyone in harms way, that’s being overprotective, not telling my family about what I think, and figuring out life for myself, on my own, without help from anyone, figure out my own self-worth.
(II) I contacted this person on messenger a "Donald Trump Account" I have spoken previously to an account circa 2017 after leaving an AA meeting, someone to talk to, who responded, then went to another account, thats two accounts I spoke to and received replies from, then I started work Fall 2018, and my phone was taken away during work, and missed text messages, and eventually the relationship ended, he left. Then February 2020, I remembered I had a pen pal, and tried to look for him, but could not find him, and texted a few accounts, and this one account responded under a different name "Real Donald Trump Tweets" I usually send photos for them to choose whether to talk to me or not, because if they are not attracted to me, or dont like me, then probably would not talk to me and reply. We maintained positive rapport, until March, when I texted a "Joaquin Phoenix" account to fan mail him, following his success, just in case he ever wondered about a poster taken down by me, whether that was relevant to their decision to make a movie featuring just the Joker, after I made "Batman 5" jokes online, Im sure that may have sounded insensitive to blame a Movie for being the cause for the loss of their Star Actor before Aurora, since I went to school in Colorado, I made a choice to submit a preliminary research proposal to CU Boulder's HRC, which based on my request, they could not approve, I have gotten approval from them in the past as an Undergrad, so they were the first organization I contacted, if I were to study crime at all, or its effects on society, and changes that we have undergone overtime, not typed, handwritten, not professionally submitted in a rush, this was living at 158 Anita. So to me it a meaningful interaction, then heard his story, and found out who his Brother was, and what he went through, after we talked. I used to be taken to The Viper Room to drink with my then Ex Boyfriend, a couple times, and then moved to West Hollywood, to be closer to his work location, to be more convenient to see me, while a Paralegal working for the LA City Attorney's Office. Because I paused to talk to others, he got upset, then eventually turned on me, asking for nude photos then posting them online, after I got robbed $7000 from a Leonardo Dicaprio Account, and Identity Theft from another Joaquin Phoenix Account who then texted me by phone asking for personal information, to make accounts for me, and move money through my accounts, to send to others, using my identity, and then making me do things for him, I did not make any money through that interaction, but I lost money in another interaction, where money was taken from me, belonging to me and my Charles Schwab account, as down payment to meet Leonardo Dicaprio. (III) Im sorry, I am doing my best, and I always do my best even when necessary to prove myself wrong in life, and not allow others to treat me like Ive not done good work, to help others, reporting to others, calling the courts, and not waiting until something bad happens to get help, that’s being prepared in life or anything, and then there are some losses you cannot prepare yourself for, and that’s working hard and not making any money, that’s blogging. Im sorry if my life is too intense to have business associations, have friends, or date, I understand I have an intense life. Originally Posted 10-30-2o |
AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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