As a blogger you simply can’t block people from your life, that’s the unfortunate aspect of blogging, you have to be on good terms with most, a writer simply doesn’t fair well with enemies, or upon disagreements in life, tends to create a certain illness within that gets projected outward, which no one wants to feel that sense of discomfort, watching you live your life, and then seeing how your life is lived in private as shared out loud, by someone you once considered a trusted confident, if theyre not your doctor you are not obligated to share or explain your life, your well being, who you are inside and out, and especially not your sexuality with anyone who only wants more and more from you, and is not made happy with what you are willing to provide to them, that usually brings out grose content, content created in discomfort is usually not your best content as expressed, and that discomfort can be felt by anyone watching, that you are not comfortable with looking that way, posing that way, and sharing in that way, with someone in private, and only causes further embarrassment in public shared under the false pretenses of being a “fan page” while meanwhile, putting me down in private, as not being sexual enough in private, and because I was not sexual enough in private, illustrates that I am not in love with this person, or am no longer in love infatuated with this person. Once someone hurts you its hard to maintain the same loving rapport and trust, and this is where this person is wrong, and where one is going wrong, sharing photos of me in poor taste, per his direction, and against my will my comfort, and sharing beyond what I am comfortable sharing in public, what I look like when Im trying to be sexy to someone who wants to see me trying to be sexy, half nude, or naked, and expecting more and more, and Im am just not willing to have sex on camera, of show my boobs or genitalia in private, that’s just something Im not willing to do. Once someone takes advantage of your kindness and freedom of expression in private, it becomes a he said she said, battle, of someone writing and writing, and as you respond and respond trying to keep things amicable without fighting, its only until this person is made calm or in a loving mood that things are resolved while meanwhile Im hitting my head stressed out at night (twice) getting texts before bed, after meds, aggravated to the point I cant sleep made to be awake again and frustrated, only to be further disturbed upon checking the same images are up of me, portraying me as disgusting and overweight to pose half nude as obese 192 lbs, and spreading misinformation about me, soliciting his page as a fan page (not approved by me) while making me look desperate for love. At this point Id rather date in real life, and have since reconnected with an old flame. –Eventually you grow out of experimental phases in life, including friendships made online in private or in public, and dating online on messenger, with people managing accounts for public figures, who respond. It doesn’t make sense to me, why naked photos are requested for, and money is requested for, its like they share love with you, and by the time you realize that this person is only being loving toward you to see to what length you are willing to go, sharing wise, to have a relationship, that you feel at a loss in life, lost money, and loss of love for them, and yourself. The whole point of communication is to help, inform, be loving towards, not to disturb, aggravate, fight, and complain, its like if I don’t send money or photos, they become unhappy with me, and inflict blame toward me and play victim, as with expectation that I am supposed to stay this fun loving person, after I have been harmed by them which they are unwilling to admit to, thinking its deserved to hurt me, because love has been lost, then claim to have loved me, and after having benefited from me, after I have been harmed by them. They don’t seem to care if Im having a bad day, if I don’t feel well, if Im hitting my head, if Im throwing up, if I have an interview, if I have a deadline, always causing more and more stress upon any important moment in my life, they don’t even care or proud of me for graduating. No one gives me time to be happy, to be alone, to recharge, they expect everything now. Stay calm you can always call the police to talk, and submit take down requests.
If it doesn’t involve you it doesn’t involve you, and unless you make things about you, or having to do with you, your life, what you’ve experienced, or people from your life, or people who know, and whos here and whos not here, claim affected, then it becomes a matter of why? There are some things better left unsaid, such as matters affecting your health, the health of others, your hygiene, your sexuality, all of these things in turn affect what is thought about you, by what you speak to, what words you express, and by what can be related to your life, your experiences, in order to what is thought to make better sense of you, and as treated, as someone who does not know themselves, and treated as someone who is unpredictable, are treated as someone not to be trusted, or who when in the position of trust or authority of another, is masturbated to or masturbates to, its never okay to masturbate to someone from your life, in your life, who you know, interact with, or work with, that’s just recipe for disaster, its only appropriate to engage in sexual relationships via contact in person or online or in private, in consensual spaces with replies, and which upon requests are made, that’s common sense, and you cannot read into any space without words, and assume is a communication to that subject, by eyes, by tone, by body shape, size, glow, weight, happiness, or health, think is because of masturbation or because of poor health, is the cause for masturbation, in my case yes it is, HPV and carcinoma cancer, was the cause of me experimenting with my sexuality and stopped putting out, after having had consensual sex with 22 men, that’s vaginal by penis always with a condom, except for one relationship in which birth control was requested for, and that’s when I contracted the HPV virus, and got carcinoma cancer, and had two surgeries to have cancer cells removed from my uterus, surgeries that cost $2000 each, on blue cross ppo. After surgery I was hospitalized on 5150 holds, 4 more times, twice as a law student, and twice in my first relationship after my last serious relationship that ended on Christmas Eve 2012, hospitalized by February 2013. That being said, not all of life is a matter of reading carefully, and by experience able to avoid hardships, discomforts, embarrassments and difficulties, not all who are wise or who love freely, ever anticipate getting hurt, its something you learn after you get hurt, how to not get hurt in the future, unfortunately that’s how life works sometimes, but the smarter you are with your heart, and the better you feel, and the more confident you are, the better decisions you make, like any business, love works the same way you invest your heart into it, and sometimes things work out, and you move forward with others, and sometimes things don’t work out, like jobs, business relationships, rapport, not all relationships are for the long term, and that you will just have to accept, and the more problems you bring to the table concerning your own identity and things made sense about your disposition as being “perverted” or “gay” then that’s how you will be treated as “in need” “wanting sex” from “man” or “woman” and then be treated or experimented with your sexuality by others more confident in their own skin about things, that’s just the territory that goes along with figuring yourself out, how to be loved, how to love others, how to be respected, and know when to stay and when to move on, who is around for sex, and who is willing to be around for the long haul: marriage. And some unwillingly to use their body to get love, decide to stop having sex, such as myself, once you realize the hurt, the feeling of needing more, and then you start providing for yourself, what you could not feel provided with, that sense of security for the long haul, long term commitment, certainty, and confidence that things are going to work out will work out, and knowledgeable of the reasons why, prior to any mass murders being committed, prior to school shootings, prior to COVID, prior to riots, and prior to having a record, what was life like then when you were well, sometimes those who attract good things into their life, don’t need everything good that comes into their life, sometimes its important for someone to focus on themselves and not others, and when focus is wanted from others, tends to distract us from our own primary purposes in life, to be successful, to be confident, and to feel smart. Generally things you want in life, you earn the hard way, nothing comes in easy in life, especially not love.
Originally posted: 08-12-13 late night 08-13-20