Because there is something seriously wrong for months now since November, that I cannot fix on my own, or with any medication, or reporting, and 911 cant help me, Im going to a treatment center for 30 days, and going to do my best to get off all medicaiton, then when I return call the #usarmy, and schedule 9 week basic training, and will probably not be a blogger in the future, and work as a paralegal, just so everyone knows where Im headed in life, and also because of self-harm/voices, this is not a condition that AA can help me with or any recovery program public, I was also not able to maintain a job, function at night get assignments done, handle a work load which is also a huge problem. And if its a problem no one can help me with then that means that I have to help myself, and I dont need anyone to attack me, sue me, or hurt me, to get their point across, and hurt me and everyone connected to me, just to make a point, regardless whether I have suffered or not over an 8 year period put on risperidone and abilify shots in bed all day compliant, working at my own pace, life gets painful, but it doesnt need to get complicated, by medication discrimination, or people treating you like your psychotic or not an important human being go through all of your things and think that you cannot tell they are connected to you in a way that you have not given anyone permission to be connected to you in that way, to be treated as normal. I dont think living life, being treated as criminal or a bad human being if skinny is advantageous to my health or to anyones health, to not have a steady boyfriend, to not be loved, to not have friends, or to not talk to anyone, so it was a rare occurance for me to do so well on my own, unfortunately I was not treated with ease instead treated like Im a bad connection or connected to someone bad, and trashed online, like Im a trashy person, I dont talk $hit about people, I called the Texas DA and the Oklahoma DA before anything bad happened, and called #SCOTUS several times and have corresponded with them since 2013, I dont do anything bad, I dont get away with anything bad, if I drink I get sick, if Im not well I dont look pretty, and if I date I get sick, so since I have difficutly making people happy, or feel empowered, I also dont want to be the person they attack like my changed condition has anything to do with them, its my brain my life, Im connected to important people, dont ever treat me like I talk to strangers, or bad people, or criminals and then attack me like Im not myself. #stopsuicide - If I cant get better, if Im sick everyday, and not getting better, means I need a change, no meds. Thank you for your understanding at this time, it is nice when well to talk to others it is also painful when there is something going wrong for you physically and mentally that you have not experinced before in life and cannot fix.
My only limitation, I have disclosed to the #usarmy I cannot be around guns, they are still willing to take me in, and train me to be a paralegal, everyone has to go to basic training for 9 weeks, Goal is to start working. I have thought a lot about life, I realize what I have done to my life, blogging, its not anyones fault that Im curently struggling, and its not a conditon that anyone can really understand, not if they are mad at you, or think you have addiciton, or are stupid, or allow for stupid things to happen to you in life, I think Im a really nice person, very loving and tolerant of others, its clear no one can take care of me, and I have to take care of myself, so that is why I am applying to the military, Ive been applying since 2009, that was when I first made the decision, I understand that I was strong, I was very smart, I get that the outlook of my life may seem complicated, or may seem easy upon doing well, but it is not easy, to be diplomatic, or for others to feel threatened by you, if you are strong, this is why I will not date, I will not married, and will not have children, because Im not well enough for it, have not been doing well, dont have a stable career, and that is why I was happy just being a blogger, and do well working from home, I have never put myself at risk of harm or anyone that I know, and now is a very tumultous time, whereas in the past it was easy to share, but since everything this past year 2020, I have done my best to stay posiitve, it is clear that when others think you are more well than you are, they may feel entitled to attacking you or blaming you for what they think has happened, and its not your fault, if anyone thinks differently of you, and to also accept when you get hurt, also living with that pain in life, or imperfection, or lack of success, and welcoming to life by others, who expect you to be tough, not be sensitive, ot expect you to get angry, not break, or expect you to just take punishment, not cry upon being given a hard time, and if there is nothing you can do to make your life better, its best not to bother anyone else with your instability, and work for someone who is strong enough to handle disagreement, and smart enough not to allow you to fall through the cracks be mistreated in life, whether thats online, or in real life, be mistaken as someone who is hostile toward others, or is over confident, or not a good person, who has worked hard and deserves to have a job and deserves to have a life, not in pain. Originally Posted 03-13-21
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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