Email to Self (11-04-20):
No way anyone’s watching you 24 hrs a day inside and out that’s you! Have more faith. That sense of nervousness being you will fade. And it’s not worth thinking too hard about feelings that don’t feel good. That means your instincts are in all cylinders and too busy to send signals to your mind to tell you what to do how stupid decisions are made, when all your left with is your heart, that’s what shiny happy people are for, they don’t all work for Disneyland. Now we know it, so we recognize it, and not easily fooled by looks, just like the wrong people shined up by stuff they can see so can the other half not feeling so good about life, we all shine up eventually with a little bit of faith whether or not the shiny shine up is or the shiny hurt our feelings of if we don’t feel good about shiny happy people one day you will feel good and be shiny happy again too and maybe laughing at different $hit in life and that’s okay too. Know when to quit. When it’s time to have fun. When it’s time to let go. When it’s time to forgive. Move on. Clip your heels, tap dance until your own tap dance ties you up fully to a pole in life you can’t remove yourself from, and be grateful for all people who fight their own battles in life out loud you won’t know until you go through desperation and pain yourself to see all sides fully and give up worrying about everyone else and realize you are the source of strength needed to get by. The less you fear the less you intimidated the stronger you are the more pressing it is for you to lighten up. And just like you can change a mood so are you capable of giving g and helping to change the moods of others one at a time not all at once and job by job not in one big job and miss a book or cranny or let a few good souls fall through the cracks that’s not any one mans job to manage the emotions of others at best their own. That’s keeping a tidy house, not dumping your problems or issues on others, and if they need to have a talk to see if you talk the talk then that must mean the person doesn’t know the talk yet. Your feelings get hurt when you find out, you become obsessed with everything that can be put together until you tire, and the minute you feel sad just means you have no one to share that moment of realized intelligence, and just means that it’s the intelligence of others you became enamored with where that good feeling was coming from. Sometimes what we later create for ourselves is based upon a feeling already created by someone else who knows the feeling and at their best once articulate those feelings through song, dance, or film. That’s the gift that keeps on giving, that’s the stuff that reminds us of what to look forward to and lighten up about our own lives, not make things more exciting than they need to be. Usually in the work force the more amped you get the more important it is or needs to get done the more calm you are the more time you have, and as you get older you learn to focus and stay steady under all conditions which explains burn out, that means setting your own limits in life, not taking too many chances and run the risk of losing you’re uncanny ability to light up a room, spark up conversation with just about anyone, if you’re gifted those opportunities in life try, which explains why those who enjoy talking to others are online and some silent and some to speak their mind only and some to comment and some to gesture or make light of it all. It all depends on where you are in terms of your understanding or appreciation for the work of other, something to work towards if it’s the work of others you later come to appreciate or dedicate time to helping preserve the values that made those moments in life memorable. That’s what to keep in mind moving forward not the negatives and certainly let not harp on bad feelings and pointing to causes of people, that will surely leave you feeling scared or helpless in life as I have wondering too much, thinking more than doing, speaking more than writing, or blogging instead of book writing. First you work up the courage to speak see how it feels, then you decide whether appropriate or worthwhile or necessary to write a book from your point of view share to others. That’s winning in life, whether or not you are made apart of those wins, present on tape. Some wins are exciting to those directly affected in that way, while others live more quiet lives, once a source of stability. That’s not thinking in terms of code, that’s not assuming things to be about, that’s not even recognizing things to be inspired by, and that’s only later upon presenting yourself that looking back those influences get factored into who you are now original or an afterthought a creator of original material a team player or crediting self for work completed by others interpreted by you. That’s when you are at odds that occurs thinking you think you are bigger than you are or essential and that’s when you either accept yourself as a apart of without explanation or whether you later get viewed as not well not apart of. That’s knowing you now, thinking you were this way then, then as you are now not remembering or knowing you as you were, and that’s only valuing you until after you are hurt, which is not the point of love, to wait too long, or get sick and be without it’s something to strive for in life to be loved. That’s what work is for, that’s what academics are for, to have a life every ally you are proud of, no matter who loses faith in you, no matter who was inspired of you, continue to be yourself, and make sure no one gets hurt in the process of being yourself whether or not you accepted blames in the past when and why at the point of suicide 2009, and that’s the painful subject that gets analyzed over and over again and if you can’t accept it once as told of need not be disclosed in public elaborated on at a later state in a worse condition with more pressures and less time to waste at some point you have to accept someone as good. Not a troublemaker. Yes if pain is caused to my family that causes me pain and no that’s not deserved no one above me should have that power to condemn me no matter what kind of life I lead privately no one deserves to die based upon how they lead their lives privately. How do you think that makes me feel to see someone who’s nice to me but thinks they’re above me or my family like I don’t know what life is about. It’s my life to live not theirs and that’s what hurts, looking out for people doesn’t mean sizing people up and causing pains now to see what a time period felt like when no one was connected.