Im speaking to the emotionally challenged, and Im sure Im not the only one, who has ever been overcome with so much emotion, that they have been beside themselves not themselves, the types of feelings that make you want to tear your insides out, rip your face off, and jump into a hole, and be away from everyone, and you simply cant do that do yourself, no under any amount of pressures in life, be made to feel ashamed about yourself, self-harm, or try to destroy yourself, in light of what anyone else sees upon looking at you and getting to know you, its not your fault. And while most will not understand where you are coming from, coming from a very famous homicide case, there will be those who will be lit up to a different set of extremes upon looking at you, and see the world in a different sense, that you have been so sheltered from. I didn’t grow up watching CSI, any crime shows, I don’t watch HBO the wire, I don’t study crime, I don’t have a fascination with watching people, admiring others, or sending likes, not if I don’t care. So what is it about a person that makes them scary, it will be something not trustworthy about a person, something that causes one another to be walking on eggshells, and if you don’t trust yourself around someone, that means that likewise, they cannot buffer you from whatever is ailing you, or causing you distress in life. It’s a normal vs. odd world, where you only are welcome around for so long as you are able to maintain a sense of balance around others, and there will always be those who will make you fall off balance, that is managing your own intuitions and well being in the face of whatever they have come to odds with, and being pushed is not the solution to being a better or stronger person, don’t allow anyone to push you over any edges in life, or push you to any extremes in life, that’s being pushed off balance, into harms way, and subjects you to giving up in life, or self-harm, that is not taking good care of yourself and doing what you need to do in order to stay strong. So when others fall silent, that’s a good time to prove them wrong, whether that’s going back to work, getting a new job, and starting a new life. Most will not understand whatever caused you to self-harm, and its not a condition, that others will likely ever be able to understand, most people love themselves, are proud of themselves, never put at odds, so own that condition, its not your fault, and no love will not help, job will not help, treatment will not help, hospital will not help, and therapy will not help, if someone is convinced there is something wrong with you, or stupid about you, they will not stop under any circumstances to prove their point, and that’s the cost of living in a litigious an overzealous prosecutorial society, one that does not empathize with the weak, but seeks to condemn people into a state of paralysis, to extremes, where they cannot be themselves, not until they fit some mold of rejection, that better suits their own interest in explaining whatever they went through in the company of your presence, which is to state or describe a non-existent conflict they had with you, and by their study of you, think that they know you best or even claim to be some spokesperson on the issue of world politics and the history of OJ Simpson, and crime. Nows not a time, when you condemn others especially those who have been made to self-harm such as myself, and Im not trying to intimidate anyone who thinks that OJ jokes are funny, or crime stories are scary in an educational way, I don’t wish for my story to educate anyone on the topic of mental health issues and self-harm and suicide attempts, its not the business of anyone to understand my past, its not your right to understand what happened, and its not for public study, what now causes me mental health issues, distress, and has resulted in more medications. So Im sorry if you don’t understand where I am coming from, or why I have been through instability and back so many times, maybe I will not be able to work ever again, maybe there will always be something wrong with me, maybe I will not be able to date ever again, so how dare anyone boil things down to looks, obesity, and sexuality, like that has anything to do with anything, it has to do with fear, it has to do with threats, it has to do with socialization, it has to do with being able to feel safe in a world, and for the intensity of emotion not to be brought through me, set on me, pushed through me, put over my head, or caused through me, and that’s not allowing the frustrations of others to affect me, to cause me disability, to cause me job loss, or mental illness (voices), that’s my condition normal, then offset by (voices: mental illness), to result in a loss (a rejection or condemnation), of me, so that I in turn suffer (from losses), and its by those losses and distinterest in you, that can cause one physical illness (that’s the fight). So whether this is about the past or about my future, everything I do, everything I say, all of that matters in terms of what will happen to me and what will become of me, and so long as I allow anything to bother me, anything to frustrate me, anything to cause me sickness, then that will be pushing me further away from what can go well for me, what can happen for me, and cause me unhappiness, to be left behind in life, to continue to suffer, and to continue to be made to talk about a few times in life, when I felt alone, when I had no one to talk to, when I could not move forward, when I needed help, and had no one to help me, and that’s not where I want to be in life.
Originally Posted 03-16-21
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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