Never get too wrapped up in the unhappinesses of others, that was one thing I never studied. Well hardly. I think I submitted one proposal for study once, and the topics too intense anyways to be studied through any academic institution specifically anyways, some things are best left unsaid or memorialized for that matter. It can mean something different for someone else looking at you, wondering what youre studying, or why you are studying what you are studying, and why should anything of that manner bother you, what stands out to you. A simple exam you take as a child looking at pictures, shown a drawing, and asked whether you see a butterfly or a mask I think is what it looks like now, and Im not sure what that was for anyways. But I graduated with honors and a merit pin in 6th grade and received an award in basketball. I guess everything looks different now about me, a different lens, a different track record, and there may be nothing I can do about it. When you have a perfect track record, or if you are outgrowing a loss you have endured in life, whether that be job loss, home loss, or car loss, you eventually spread you wings again, and maybe not on the same system of freedoms you experienced then, but under a different guise of pressure, which is to do what is right, to stay out of trouble, not necessarily be first to anything in life, not even when it comes to thinking, I think we all have time to think about life, and some of the best things in life you simply look at, like beauty in others, or happiness, and that’s a blessing all in itself, not to be toiled with. So I was thinking of removing "war terminology” from my last piece. Ive never been overtly obsessed about wars or traumas for that matter, which don’t spike you with terror until you are made to remember things in a different way, even things occurring before your time, so take a gander, read up on history, but don’t enliven the spirit of the wrongdoers in life, simply because you cant explain another period in time, when so many reminders of what has passed have come to light, that’s history, it happened, what can you do now for others and yourself to enjoy life as you are, if we have made it this far, what is stopping you now, your thoughts? The thoughts of others? Actions? Your own misbehaviors? What has been done to you? What has been done to others? There are so many painful ways of looking at things, but reliving trauma is by far the worst circumstance you can put anyone through for that matter, made to think about things, not as they were, peaceful, instead made to describe life, as it is now, which is anything less than peaceful. Whos an expert at making peace? Maybe the same people who are experts at making love and kids for that matter, but Im sure married people aren’t strong enough to pay attention to any of these issues anyways, as they have come to terms with most probably everything, and found happiness in one another. So lets not make no one person a Cold War vet sounds silly to mention especially not after a war you only realize after you grow up if it didn’t hit you in a scary way then it shouldn’t now means it doesn’t involve you (why it occurred overseas instead of at home) so be careful what you mention in case it makes you seem like you just walked through life not alarmed or not thinking in a gamey way strong because of everything. I think I was born with a strong body like Justice Roberts who was in all the action but level headed normal then I think later in life we both got scared but he’s a happy person inside so it takes a lot for him to be upset in public so I’m sorry. I think he’s okay now only means it in a playful way to get us thinking in a problem solving way I think is what he meant by what I remembered he said. Reminding me to be courteous during a time of loss even if I’m trying to help prevent losses accept when my own life may have affected others who perceived me to be a cause for a loss and I’m sorry if things were not tidy on my end seemed a contributing factor or carelessness ever or by my own error allowed for people to control me forget who to love not random people I’m sorry. Pretty painful stuff I know, when life was so good, people went on stage and rapped! That’s how powerful we once were and Im sure things will be that way again, so long as everyone is more careful to blame less, complain less, be thankful more often than not, and to never assume that any one person has it better than the other, we all live on earth and earth loves us all, so lets agree to that much about life, and let the rest figure itself out in time, that’s something I was once told “time heals all wounds,” I probably didn’t understand it when I heard it, but now I see that to have been a meaningful remark to get me to think about life not only for myself but also for others. I can see now that through writing online, Im not the only one who has things to say not appropriate for school, therapy, or AA, probably too opinionated and not esoteric and vague enough to be regarded as a smart way of thinking about things or speaking about life in general. So that’s just whats painful today, Im sure not everyday will feel like this, and the goal is to not allow things to get to this point, of not feeling well is the main point, whenever was life ever meant to be this painful, if it were, then we would not have been born or grown to have jobs, friends, lovers, companions, bosses, etc etc, think about that much before you go on wondering too much about the past or even presently wonder if youre where you need to be in life, you are here now, and like any moment lost, needs to be maintained by you to keep feeling good and be in that moment of focus, that’s basic nothing warish about it, or sad, that’s life it gets painful the more you think less of others, and it gets more beautiful the more well you think of others. So that being said, Im sorry if I loved the wrong people, was made to trust the wrong people, was made to give money I was gifted by the government because I cannot afford to take care of myself, Im sorry for whoever gave up on me and who caring about became an expense to. Im sorry if I memorialized all the wrong things in life, and if people thought it was inappropriate for me to study any subjects not concerning me in my free time. And Im sorry if I was ever misunderstood to be mentally ill, or not a careful thinker, thoughtful, or treated as insensitive to whatever the issues were: mens issues, or womens issues, that much I cant take back, whoever was offended by my presence or confidence in life, who has all of that down perfect anyways, feeling good and making everyone around you feel good too, something you don’t pay attention to, what you look like, or what you sound like, but something everyone else notices about you. So be kind.
Re: Term used “clueless.” That’s my fault he thought that, and my job to explain. 12-07-20 Originally Posted Note: I dont actually know him well enough to know how hes feeling Im sure if I get scared its because of my own doing, Im not experinced enough to help myself, and with lack of experince you get scared, so what I meant was he has been a professional longer, so Im sure that something Im going through is nothing new to him, sorry.
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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