Once you are not viewed as a victim, it destroys your life, then you get treated as though your scary looking or not smart, and that’s how people treat you thereforeward, like its coming from you, something you’ve done, and that’s what makes it difficult to be close to people, to trust people, to want to work, to want to go out into the world, to date, to make friends, to be a normal person, and it is a very traumatic experience, its something you report, its not funny, and if in jest mentioned, maybe that’s not making a scary story out of a story. That also wont stop people from treating you like your gay, or have gay secrets, or have a desire to be close to people or need love, I don’t need love, I need to feel safe, and if I have love, its with a preferred party, who I know is worth talking to who is not going to sue me or see me any differently no matter what happens to me in life. Because I grew up at OJ’s house, I was treated like Im up, or have it easy in life, I had to go to two Law Schools, Texas, and that was very expensive, I was hospitalized 9x, disoriented and with mental health issues not treatable by talking, writing, school, or AA, if it’s a fear that I do not feel like discussing then don’t make fun of me if Im having nightmares, if Im not moving, if Im on meds, and not living life, that’s victimization, no one is there for you, no one understand why you are hurt, not one helps you, and everyone treats you like its your fault if you get hurt, as though youre out and about talking to random people, or dating random people, or being stupid online with a choice. I think if you become defective emotionally and in words and cant speak intelligently that means that you have been harmed and that’s not your fault, not if you live a quiet life, and report, life is not meant to be scary, no one has it easy in life, everyone wants to feel safe, so what doesn’t make people feel safe is to talk about life, as though its okay to share your stories of victimization, or lack of sympathy for you in life, or lack of support, its not a fun experience for you to need people and for them not to need you for whatever reasons that may be, maybe they see everything more clear than you, and maybe they are not enthusiastic about you able to say much to you, because in their eyes you are not the one, and that’s because based upon looking at you, how well youre doing in life, if they can go on without you, then that is why I am not married, and why I cannot maintain a job, because there is something wrong with me, everytime I am well or doing well positive, someone decides to take that opportunity to embarrass me in public and humiliate me, like Im storng enough to take a hit, treat me as unimportant or not consequential or not smart, and that’s totally unnecessary, I called every DA, I called every Court, and called 911 everytime Ive ever been scared or got voices, its not a high maintenance life, it’s a high maintanence situation being trusted and also being able to be free to feel smart and to feel safe, and in avoidance of complaint, I don’t interact with anyone, Im not in anyones life, and that’s the part of life that makes everything too late and painful, and in that space away from everyone, is when people decide to treat me like I don’t have a bright future, or Ive not come along way and that’s not how you treat people, if you have a problem with them call the police, call the DA, call a hotline, file a complaint, take it court, but its not my job to waste any more months, days or years of my life building trust with anyone, or being experimented with and made to look or feel guilty, Im not strong enough for fighting I don’t deserve to be treated that way, the damage has been done, I cannot reverse the condition, I do not sound the same, I don’t feel well, Im not able to work and then how long will it take for me to resume a normal life, I don’t think if Im constantly put in a position where I have to start my life over, will I take anything lightly, and Im sure anyone hearing form me doesn’t take me lightly and that’s how life is everyone is more important than everyone else, and if you don’t have money if youre not famous well then youre not going anywhere in life, and don’t allow anyone to make you go places you don’t want to go, that’s not okay that not right don’t treat me as though when I share my light with the world wrongfully accuse m of hurting the light of others, I have been nothing but positive for 8 years, and there is no going back once you get hurt you either choose to move forward and be a happy person or you give up, and I cant afford to give up and get sick, or let mental illness take over all the time spent getting well and being smart again, why I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, and I don’t date. I have no plans to date, I have no plans to have sex, I have no plans to go to meetings, I have no plans to go to court, I have no plans to sue anyone, so please don’t accuse me of having some hard life that I cannot fix, or have to live life any differently to suit the needs of others who I have not already cared for, protected, and been honest with, and if Im in pain I obviously am not strong enough to be social to be there for others, and the last thing I need is blame, not if Ive been running everyday outside at night 2014 to 2017 proud of myself to help make everyone feel safe and lost 50 lbs thats doing my part to protect my community from harm, not to attract negative attentions or be someone stupid online, or in the eyes of anyone and get sick, that’s how you lose your head in life, that’s where your memory goes, and that’s how people end up trying to control you to see what you fee up to, what you’ve done wrong, and by the time you state all your fears the harm has already been done and they have gotten their way. That’s why I want to go off all medications, and have been trying to not write online because the truth doesn’t seem to make any difference everyone thinks being strong is about being black or being a wannabe speaker with a make believe life, as though things are here to spite people as being embarrassing. Ive never embarrassed a single person in my life, I will never hook up with a single person for the rest of my life, I cant handle the torment, I cant handle the moods, I cant handle anyone who gets close to me and then complains and treats me like Im replaceable, then don’t waste my time trying to feel good to fugure out life, don’t waste my life trying to stabilize your moods and intuitions, I need my brain and body too, and just as anyone would not feel well when Im not doing well that’s no ones fault it just means that its not a match and its not going to work out, that means that there will be some place else for me that is more accommodating, of my medical history, of my personal history, of my dating history, of my academic history that is not trying to set up any stories as pawns for the taking and hurt me anymore than I have already been hurt that’s not the solution, to talk about my life, I don’t want to share a laugh if laughing hurts, I don’t need to be cute for anyone if everyone thinks everything is fake, and I don’t need to be accommodating of anyone who comes back into my life and ruins a relationship with a current love who I was trying to help keep stable no get my heart broken self-harm, and expose him to the harsh realities of life, that no one respects me, Im not pretty enough for them, and Im not smart enough to work any job, don’t have the stamina, and the tolerance emotionally and socially to be a certain way to which all will benefit, be my professional self, and that’s what defamation does to you, it destroys your life, so everyone looks at you like you are grose, treats you like a sex addict, does not see you as loving, or able to procreate and if you cant treat me like a woman then don’t turn me into someoine who is not happy or tomboy and think that youre doing the community a service, Its our God, CALIFORNIA created peace its not your God Texas. This is why it is wrong to disturb the peace of someone well, it can cause permanent damage to them mentally and physically, and thats not how you get rid of people in society who you do not agree with, everyone deserves to live life, and its not for anyone to decide how long a person gets to live, or what kind of pressure they get put under in life, be threatened, made fun of, blamed, or attacked like its okay to treat people that way. That is why I want to go off all medications and joining the military, and live in a gated community away from everyone, if Im not strong enough stable to have fun with everyone then that means I need to go to a mental health facility and live a simple life, if things are only getting worse for me emotionally, and mentally and thats not my fault I did my best to be social online, be nice to everyone, be thankful, I never complained, but this is not the solution, who got hurt when and subject everyone to feeling bad especially during COVID, thats not okay Texas.
I wait to date, dont ruin my book, and make anyone treat me like offender, they all have jobs, they all have lives, they all have money, they all have friends, they all have love, they all dont need me, so dont make this a war about good men coming into my life, and then hurt me like Im a stain on their record, or a bad experience in their life, its not their fault I have mental health issues and not ready to date, and Im not well enough to go backwards and thats no ones fault it Ive been hurt too many time, so Im either going to basic training, or moving to DC in the future and living alone, live somewhere more affordable, and do my best to take care of my family and be a strong person, so this was a fun experience but being threatened in life, to be made to look stupid, that ruins how I feel and if I dont feel good, then how am I supposed to live the rest of my life, without an ability to be normal around others, to be proud of myself, I worked so hard, I havent made any money, I cant afford to pay for housing, I cant afford the cost of living, and this was my job, I was a positive person sweet, and Im sorry if you didnt see it that way, and if I wanted to audition for NBC it was because I have talent, so stop bullying me, stop making fun of my face and by body, dont attack me, dont email me, dont blame me, and please stop hurting me dont watch me, dont sabotage me, dont send voices, dont witchcraft me, and dont make me the center of any of your ideas in life treat me like a lower class citizen in life, that is not happy for others, I produce, I have eggs, I can procreate, thats my value, my health, my body, my face, my brain, my spirituality and my good luck and if you felt at peace with me, thats because Im a good person and those who love me are made to feel good too. Its not my job to cater to one person, they are never happy, they make drastic decisions, they hurt me and break my heart, I dont have the stamina and tolerance anyone for taking care of anyone individually its not safe, all they do is complain, if you dont like anything Ive said in private then put it online, and calll a judge, I call them myself, if you dont like my blog and you dont like anything Ive said then call a judge, or dont read my blog and complain that I get abused or treated as stupid, like I need help or wrongdfully accuse me of being loving toward men Im not good enough for thats why I stay home, thats why I hesitate to apply, and thats why I work online, I am staying out of trouble I was being positive, but if Im in harms way and if Im suffering then I have to disclose that its not a pretty life when things get scary its if you dont tell people why you are being professional they attack you like youre not professional or theres something wrong with you, so stop complaining appreciate people for who they are what theyre worth appreciate that they got into law school and stop making me look like the bad guy and casting me under a negative light or dark light so that I get sickness, I will never talk to anyone in private ever again who does not already know me, and will only talk to the courts, police, or military until I get well and stay well, I cannot afford to let my guard down again, I cannot afford to lose another job again, its not worth the pain and suffering, then if I complain then they complain, and if I get scared or mental health issues, then they complain. Everyone expects you to know all the situations and all the feelings and know all the precautions, and be this loving supportive positive person, and then they are done with you, life is hard, and its not getting any easier, and not by any amount of team building, where everyone supports eachother and no one supports me (blame). #stopsuicide
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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