11-29-20
Its easy to get side tracked when things are not okay. One quality about my blog I once stated is that its written once through without editing, that’s coming from me, without a later review modified to sound any differently than the words immediately coming to mind, upon responding to any series of pressures, or misunderstandings. I cant name a time in my life when I was ever not cool with anyone, but Im sure that there were times maybe when others were not cool with me, or thought of me as a poor example of someone with a positive upbringing shining their light in life, or not for good reason, thought a manufactured importance by homicide, not someone with a big heart, known because someone else was murdered, then after viewing where you come from or who youre friends with, see you as out of touch with reality, only doing things to make yourself feel good, which is the risk you take in helping others, viewed as a know it all, and that’s a difference you cant bypass in life, when you look good based off of what you are doing in life, and others don’t think you deserve respect, or see someone else who can do better than spend time with someone, who doesn’t appear to be all together there present, that’s not being in the social scene, you mature late, and maybe to ones own detriment, not a party girl. Everyone has fun, that’s tolerable, so just let things be, and not be too hard on those who thought it a good time to have fun with you, when you felt it was a good time to focus on career, no one takes you that seriously if you come from money, not even if you’ve never asked for money from anyone your entire life, just worked hard anyways, not a begger or a chooser in life, whos made to look and feel better then and why? Racism. I think its when you no longer represent someone who is nice to everyone and loveable, that your own likings get brought into question, as though you have ever held reservations to any kind, creed, or nationality for that matter, my first boyfriend was Mexican, we made out at Century City mall, and watched a movie together, he gifted me a necklace, with a rose glued to it, I still have in my jewelry box, so don’t treat me as someone who doesn’t know that a street name was named after him “Figueroa” street or the other way around, keep those insights in mind, whenever the identiy of those to be remembered is remembered in a way public, like a street being named “Cochran” that’s to inform everyone that no matter what the state of affairs were, the city is on the side of those who went out of their way to help people in life, whether they were made apart of that ultimate happiness in knowing that everyone is doing well, and that a later memory of them shared would be geared in the positive or for positive reasons shared, we all have our preferences in life, so don’t be too hard on yourself if your multi-racial, Im sure Im not the only one who used to be proud of my heritage, and later come realize the significance of those unions, and probably served as the basis for my “world peace motion” with all confidence, not necessarily all the facts to build a beautiful story quite yet, who assembles that, maybe if it mattered to those who remember a time when it wasn’t about connecting the dots, spelled out for you in life, maybe was a better period in life to go by when it comes to how things should feel, not so small, not so narrow, and not so unnecessary, when a later discussion becomes hurtful that’s assuming where others are coming from, and the more you assume, the worse you are made to look, like someone who thinks anyone is out to get them, and that just makes you another paranoid bug on the windshield of success, annoying, removeable, and forgotten, but if you keep landing on the same windshields, maybe that just means that your attracted to things in life not meant for you, better suited for others, who were doing a swell job at representing a case, that you were only later referenced to, had I not gone through mental health issues because of drinking, drug use, and dating, then maybe I wouldn’t be viewed as someone who engages, gets hurt, and complains, like anyone is supposed to be looking out for them in life, if you matter to you, then prove that you matter would be my first bit of advice when overcoming shame and embarrassment, and if you condition was really bad, then in a few words explain, I used to be very ill, not functioning, in bed all day, reading books, sometimes self-harming, feeling an irreversible pain, that irreversible pain is to accept what you have done wrong, and see what is left for you option wise to do right in the world, all valiant efforts aside, flyers, I think at the time, no guilt had processed, then after reflecting on being sent to TMS for depression, to wake my brain up by a Harvard Neurologist, meant something else to anyone not knowing me, thinking I messed up any games in life, when it comes to respect and outlook, that much you never see when you fall ill, just no one there to support you, and if they are supporting you, theyre upset with why you are not doing well, and no one can really support anyone who is not wanted in life, that becomes a chore, to take care of someone who has done wrong in life, drink, drug use, and cant even get the Doctors to be less strict with someone, who when they talk back, all respect is lost, that’s not being thankful for when things are going well, remember those glazed over eyes of pride and happiness for you, those are your parents, who would never put up with any amount of controversy when it comes to looks, displayed issues, or associations, be beaten up again, like the 90s never happened or lawsuits, it used to be the higher they rise, the lower they fall, that’s when it comes to people vying for things in life to benefit themselves in a way that if talked about publicly would make them look stupid, like dating, sex life, friends, why you don’t talk about your family, who may be beautiful people to you, but in the reverse is not a beauty recognized with respect, that’s when everyone who was there for you gets let down, special to know, painful to be viewed as knowing it all, no one can know what anyone knows looking at me, without even hearing me speak, which is maybe how a blog happened, that’s putting my best foot forward, when maybe in conversation I didn’t sound the smartest, and maybe in dress, didn’t look the most sophisticated, it’s a sad fact of life, when everyone is sharper than you are, and that’s something you just have to live with, allow the people to be empowered, just don’t say anything to cause anyone to turn on you, or those you love, as though they were supposed to be in on some guilt, later derived from my pen name, which was thought to communicate a big idea about life, which Im assuming did not bring others peace of mind, you know people lived their lives without going there once, so I don’t think trying to go there, when many of them or no longer here, really makes a difference, when it comes to who was punished and why, don’t line me up with them, and compare my life as lived the same, I have no money, no power, no connections, get every job on my own, went back to school to improve my hireability rate, and still work internships, because I need to practice working before committing to a full time system of care in which you get paid or fired on the basis of your own wellness, which was not a situation I wanted to live through myself or be in competitions about. So don’t believe everything you hear. No ones ever not been cool with me, that’s only later in life as a law student, I think if youre there, youre someone people look at, and decide for themselves, whether or not to respect you, and sometimes that includes insulting you, like telling me “you dance like a typical white girl,” whatever that meant, no I took a hip hop class in college and got an A, those moves were taught to me, the same guy who asked to see my outline, its like they wee your work, they want to bond, you are not available to meet at Panera, they hook up with someone else, then leave law school and overheard applied to the Peace Corps. More power to them, you tend to outgrow situations you find yourself alone in, when no one is supporting you doing what your doing can cause one to feel out of place, and its mostly by your own doing that others become distant, not necessarily having anything to do with your attitude toward a specific person, who they think thinks she is smart but isn’t smart or who looks like school is easy, and thinks she thinks she is going places, but in reality doesn’t look like anyone worth being sensitive to. Just don’t leave my body in his driveway, because Im sure that’s not what was meant by that, just a case of she seems black, she dated black, and that must mean she loves black, or this specific black person, and if this black person gets made fun of, we shall make fun of her too, because she knows this black person, so she deserves to be treated like someone who is black, who was successful, a cross-professional, this was before Will Smith, who Im sure took over for everyone, and led a very meaningful career, in spite of who he dated, Nia Long, whos house I have been to in Hollywood, distant connections in time, we don’t know eachother, she only knows one mode, and sometimes in sharing mode, she shares things that were meant to be held secret between her and those who trusted her to live a private life, and that’s where the simplicity, in knowing of someone, and shining light to others without someone, becomes painful to incorporate later as having ever had a relationship to anyones career moves in life which was all him, and probably nothing to do with me. So how did I manage not to go under, shamed, or blamed for the sufferings of others, usually on time, but at this point, not quick enough, and like the one swoop style of writing and composition declared, a different interpretation was thought meant by that style of writing, as though to infer guilt, or trying to help with knowledge of a prior occurrence of being watched, and then communications getting back to those cared for or noticed as standing out, blind, so that’s me being overprotective of unassuming, so maybe that was his way of incorporating me into his life shaking hands with my Ex a grassroots hat company, on Facebook, he photo me holding one of his hats sitting in a bungalow at Chateau Marmont, he wanted to get back together with me, but I think I was dating someone else by then, the life I could’ve lived popular, men who liked me, I passed up in life, not understanding the significance of dating someone who everyone knows and loves, there were a lot of pluses to dating someone mutually loved by you and others, you learn this later in life, usually men who love, are loved, just like women were intended to be loved, and be able to love, and sometimes we fall off course in life, mislabeled as someone who dates for status, or by name, and that’s the exact direction or reply sought to think that one was codey in the mind, or privately but never shared any insights privately with anyone, I was never that paranoid, to actually think that hard about any system of thought professionally made, question it, who does that anyways, film and music or book, that’s their expertise, respect it or move on or don’t free read, I think I respected those systems, and if I ever had any good ideas, for respecting those systems of judgement better, then I would have never made a pen name that demonstrated a connection to an incident, with lettering symbolic of something else, that much I didn’t forsee, something that was made by an established companies system of acceptance dolls in all nationalities, not sized skinny, expensive, unique, and with very unique amenities, miniature desk, pens, hangers, to me that was cool, but too expensive. Had I not tested for a rating from IMDb which was what Alexa was for me, I probably would not have photographed, but if you have an audience the least you can do is show your face, perform somewhat, in your makeshift life, on your makeshift stage, with your makeshift dreams, and your makeshift voice, and your makeshift books, and your makeshift signs, which means someone else should represent the purpose behind the “Hollywood” sign on a mountain, Ive hiked a few times for 2 hours, on Provigil, without ADHD meds, I guess Ive been observed under all conditions medication wise, exactly how smart are you, and if you are not smart without your meds, well then that’s something no one can fix about you, the decisions you make and impression made, not on your meds, which doesn’t explain why sleeping of not performing, I guess that’s something you later figure out in life, whats coming from you, and whats a manifestation of an issue coming from another, directed purposefully or not intentionally toward you, not impressed by you, that’s the briefing reading off a paper, and being interrupted by a student who participated more, and held my finger up to finish what I was saying probably thinking I haven’t gotten to any main points yet, maybe something he was trying to highlight before I said anything important, that’s maybe why my IOP friends hiked with me to “Amir’s Garden” twice for two hours, the year the letters were taped, and on social media parking beams were covered in duck tape to memorialize “Hollyweed” which was funny maybe to them, but coming from me scary to hear, its my life Ive lived it, avoiding being dodged at, calling the police, and then walking up the hill and hitching a ride home, just means get everything done before the night is over and your phone dies, that texting with no replies, three arrests the same night not related to you, and a drawing I made misidentifying me as the offender for hitching a ride, and a Russian fingered me DJ-ing then showed me his D-k, walked around to my right, and then told my Ex about it, seems to be the equation, someone looks like they did me, then talked about, then whos doing me offended, so that’s looking like a slut, someone who does others wrong, or cheats, and is grose on their own merits, I don’t think bad things happen to you in life knowingly, you usually get sent out into the world, without them thinking anything bad will happen to you, and then as talked about you are made to look bad, the side of the person who no longer wants you taken, like how could I do that to someone who loved me, I invited him to my Brother’s wedding, I had a boyfriend at the time. I put the picture on Facebook, that’s being comfortable with your friends, and sharing what a crazy night out in Hollywood looks like, so when my Ex-Boss decided to move, I took down all his signs, then they asked for them back, he lived in the neighborhood, the same Boss I think everyone thought I was dressing up for in bandage skirts, just in photo, and upon loving someone who I could not be with by age gap and physically too old for eachother, a younger professional was doing him, while I got to be in the office all day, that’s being screamed at like your doing your Boss, that’s your Parents wanting a better life for you, at this point I think everyone has fun until you get in trouble, when he interviewed me again told me “that was just a one time thing.” I think that’s other people saying things to see whether I relate what is being said to me, as being about me, or about me in terms of any moments when Ive had a one night stand, which Im sure others were critical of me, its always with friends, a guy likes me non-stop talking to me, making conversation, then low and behold, they end up f-king me, and who looks bad, me, not them, and if I mention it, I seem insensitive, like I was insulted above them socio-economic wise, its actually the fact that Im not attracted to you, so the basis for your attraction to me is thinking my reputation can handle being done by two guys from the same gym, where the hickie was from he saw, so its whatever, I was in rehab at the time for cocaine addiction short lived, no one really seems to care when Im taking life seriously to better myself, its actually a real struggle to be assessed in a room, mostly people there by court order, you being there voluntarily, and then be treated as someone who had done someone wrong why you were there, and that’s how once every story form your life is shared, any change looks like in response to something bad happening, listen if you wait until something bad has happened to care, or to better yourself, your too late, and if you don’t listen to who does care about you and loves you, means that you don’t understand where they are coming from, its never too late for them to care even if you have already been harmed and being rejected as not being bright, sexy, put together, and sharp, you know one day you will, no matter how many times you have to listen and get hurt, because the fast life was just not meant for some people, who cannot afford to be left on their own in life, or treated like they deserved to have been done wrong in life, on their way out anyways, no Im here. I havent had a cell phone for about two months now, just got it back was getting texts from Exes, one of whom is George who I met when I was 17, he was 33, he's Puerto Rican, and was declared "the hottest guy at the gym," Liked me. I dont have a record of that text in my iPod, or cell phone, but I remember the number, replied, "Who is this?"
0 Comments
|
AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
Categories |