Presently symptomatic (hearing voices), overcoming self-harm, need to start walking everyday, take it easy, work on keeping a job, disclose my condition to my new boss, and do my best to stay well, work on an as needed basis, getting paid hourly, and do my best to overcome embarrassment, and also figure out how to represent others well, given my mental health issues, not subject myself to harm, or those I care about put in harms way.
If I cant stay well, then the blog doesnt work out, the job doesnt work out, let alone, marriage or dating, I think Ive accepted the fact that Im not having kids, now that I have recurring (voices > self-harm) thats not a condition that I can control through blogging, and its really no ones fault, what kinds of imagined pressures I get put under in life, or think too hard about whether Ive been hurt when and why, and just move forward in life, stay alive, be well.
I understand that everyone is struggling right now, and if anyone should be happy and be doing well it should be me, since I have been working hard for 8 years, to work toward a paid position, and also in writing prove that Im intelligent, sensitive, care a lot about others, never having issues of my own, with no history of being an embarrassment, or letting anyone down in life. I think based on who you are, and how easily you are triggered in life, or feelings hurt, is something you need to mature from, and not allow yourself to get hurt, lose confidence in life, make smarter decisions, not be too loving, not trust the wrong people, or be convinced youre something youre not, that includes being famous (not printed in professional text), or be treated as stronger than you are, as though you have experience with public relations, or managing your own identity, how you are known is not in your control, and thats not something you can change, and especially not if you have ever self-harmed, or been made to not feel good about yourself, thats something that you overcome, and eventually do better in life, that doesnt mean that you will have a better life, not if you allow the symptoms to persist, and cannot manage your own symptoms (bipolar). Even if no one believes you, thinks you can perform without meds, I just dont think its appropriate for any discussion of potential at this point in time, not if you get hurt again, then thats my own fault, for being embarrassed in public, I have never self-harmed out of frustration or been unhappy with myself, its a product of others not being happy with you, being hard on you, and you losing your stability, in any amount of chaos, its not a condition you can explain to anyone, it doesnt mean that I have done anything wrong and that also doesnt mean that I have ever been made to feel sick or "suicidal" because of anything I have said, or been someone offended, and then not have liked myself, I dont really know what to say. You cant please them all.
Self-harm is a private struggle, its not something that anyone respects you for, how you deal with your problems or "auditory delusions," thats really not my fault, how "voices" are caused and Im assuming it occurs if people dont like you, or are trying to communicate to you without you knowing who they are, whether by phone or computer, I think in writing, I do my best to be normal, unfortunately the last 8 years were not perfect, mental health wise, and if I ever have a regret its self-harm, or feeling defeated in life, or not strong, and giving up.
I have not been doing well for several days now, and I dont know why I have not been feeling well, and its not something you can snap out of, wake up from, it takes time to heal from bipolar, to get strong again be posiitve.
Originally Posted: 01-16-21
Posted on "Self-Harm" Research Page 02-18-21