By the time you get to anywhere new in life, your life will have already passed you by, and whatever was needed to be done to keep others afloat, made, and that much you have to accept about life, whether or not related to now, take it for what its worth. Nothings ever about something missing or not already had within those already, like a gift, or a feeling, capable of being brought out of them, and forgotten about, or a conversation you don’t remember, or doesn’t stand out to you as important, you remember but only too late, there will be many moments in life you will have with others, and its what others remember about you, that affects where you end up in life, you may not think that you are attached to anyone who has known you but you will be reminded of those pains later on in life, when you have outgrown whatever casual life you once lived when you were nice to everyone and never had a problem with anyone. Nothing is set in stone, and what has already been done, so do your best to move forward, if it was something that another was passionate about, then they meant what they said when they said it, and it doesn’t matter whether your feelings are hurt now, people will be hurt by the same things that you don’t understand whenever the time comes for yofu to be examined by others on a larger scale and picked apart from their memory of what stands out, and that doesn’t mean that what has been said by you or others was made in a special way to be remembered by or something focused on for a long period of time in order for it to stand out and appear well made, things of value are made in different ways, something Ive once described talking to myself, doesn’t mean that it is something I later will not talk about, I remember everything I have said and remember everything I have ever felt, and remember everything that I have remembered from my childhood up until now, and no hitting my head is not the solution to stop me from remembering where I am now or where I have been that’s not the cause for pain something you remember having experienced to give you an unforgettable moment in life that causes you pain to see whether you speaking is to remind anyone else of their pains in life and that’s the point at which advocacy stops, when no ones pain is recognized. Steps to people feeling like they have a better hand than you at life: (1) hearing what you have to say (2) thinking about what you have to say based on what they hear within themselves (3) you living your life (4) and seeing whether you live your life in a way that matches with what they were thinking connected to people who know your story, or whether you life different than what you have said connected to your own words and happening again for you in life based upon (5) the memory of others, or (6) your own memory or memory of what you think people were thinking and then not do well yourself based upon (7) what people are thinking now, if it differs from what was thought then and now you are in a pain, when no one else is in pain, because people are not thinking about you, and are well now, and not affected by you, therefore to make you (8) someone who is in pain, who is then talking about something that never happened, or talking as though you have ever said something that has not been helpful to someone, or the cause for your own pain in life, having said something that caused an illness in another who attacked others, is the basis for judging me based upon whether me speaking in public well, is to speak better than how I have sounded in the past, a better effort as though a better effort is needed and a first effort was not good enough. And this is how miscommunications occur, when no one has confidence, what then will your hearts and minds be filled with bewilderment, over what has been said, where is the solution to leaving things as there are, and what more work needs to be done that has not already been done, that is when people think more work needs to be done to you in order to change your system of thinking and base thinking upon what causes them to feel well and exclude you from considerations as never having ever been apart of that’s respect and rejection, stuf people know that you don’t know, and based upon who you are treating you as someone who is trying to be important who is not already important and testing your spirit whether you think about things too much, whether you have trouble letting things go, or whether they have a right to attack you based upon what they know, to communicate to you that they know something about you damaging, to cause you to feel scared. People will always have that capability in life to scare you based upon knowing something private about you, and that’s not the cause for my illness, that’s the cause for someone elses illness whos purpose for attacking me, was to bring about a different set of circumstances for me, so that no one would respect me like anyone else who sees me as being different on the wrong teams in life, or not tough because they don’t see me as good, well if you don’t think Im good or a drug addict then that’s why I was sent to jail on a freezing cold bus that someone pissed in, for a long time then rejected from two jails, and then sent to an overcrowded jail and made to sleep on concrete on my arms for 14 hours, and was the only one who was left in a cell that was shared with many people, and they keep moving you from cell to cell until you are only left with a few people and given blankets to sleep with, then you are taken to a room with tables and given a brown paper bag with a meal, a hard boiled egg and a banana with mentally ill women in cells screaming for food that theyre hungry, and if after your meal you grab a mat to sleep on after everyone already slept more on mats before your meal was given to you you are screamed at to put the mat back, then you go to the hospital and they give the med you need for sleep, “Abilify” weigh you, let you use the bathroom in the hospital, and then while your waiting outside, if you ask them when will they give you a cell, they put you in a small cell with someone who is asleep, and given a bag of supplies a toothbrush and a pamphlet, and sleep in the top bunk, you have to get to by stepping on the toilet, and theres a small window that’s 2 feet deep with cement that a person cannot fit through, and then they call your name, and they let you go, and you get interviewed, and then you get to go home, that’s doing time, walking up the steps, given your things back, and taking a picture of the building looking back and putting it on Facebook with a quote to tell your friends where you were. A beautiful picture running on the beach, was not to symbolize my fight against gun violence, it was my journey to wellness, and because I usually run inland by the water, the Lifeguard truck told me to move it inland, and then ran in the deep sand after the rain, I took a photo after I turned around, and that was not planned by me purposefully to run for 2.5 hours in the sand just to take a photo, I just so happened to turn around and took a photo of what my footsteps looked like. So I understand that my life is not beautiful and I understand that a beautiful life cannot help anyone feel inspired to do well in life, or to help people do well in spite of whats occurring, all they see is a picture they think is insensitive or being used to communicate about something that has happened and hurt you until you are affected similarly made to feel powerless or scared by anyone elses experiences in life. So its great if you have been through something difficult, whats worse is having gone through something difficult, then you cant help people, which is why I waited until after probation to smile or be fun which didn’t last for long anyways. No that’s not where I belong. I don’t have to talk to anyone for the rest of my life, and that was my biggest mistake seeing someone else life as beautiful and if your crying that’s because your life is not beautiful or you don’t fit in and no one wants to talk to you, and that you have to figure out for yourself not to like people who don’t like you, not to share pictures online of others, who do not want to be connected to you, not to share quotes and attract an audience to a cause that your not fit to support, and not to help those who do provide advocacy until you are allowed to communicate with them, which is after probation for 4 years, so excuse me for staying in my room, and having a few slip ups dating and for trying to get a job before my record is expunged, and excuse me for going through a lot of mental illness leaving a place I did not feel I belonged, once they don’t like you, that’s how everyone is above you, and its not until you become strong that others leave you alone, that’s not protecting you from harm, that’s seeing your mental illness as evidence that you have done something wrong or that you were never being strong, or someone whos support wont help or hurt a cause for support to those who need help, that’s how complicated mental illness is, that unless you are smart and can help a situation, others will take the side of those who have money and punish you as though you made a bad life out of a good life and cannot represent yourself. So that’s my pain. Therefore mans need for sex is not my problem and is not worth the risk of taking care of anyone for that matter, not if it will subject me to harm, and be treated as though I have done others wrong in life, if I don’t need sex, then having sex will not make me a better person, and it will not allow for anyone to trust me or to value me, and that’s why when someone is sweet, who they think is smart, and who is not pretty, or who relapses, is not empathized with, and no that’s not animal abuse, that was the option for surgery to say bye to me cat since 2004, after 8 months was ready to go that was taking him to the vet several times, a tube not put back in him, then them putting him to sleep and not keeping him alive, because he had cancer of the tongue, which keeps growing back. So I understand if no one takes my side, and if everyone hurts me and makes the men I have loved or dated victim to my story in life let alone my body, I understand that, which is why I don’t date, then do someone who you are comfortable with loving who is at peace, but don’t make me the offender to your story and not allow me to get strong again, no one ever took everything away from you in life to turn you into another person, and that’s very hurtful to hurt me as though I deserve to suffer or put others in harms way who don’t already have jobs and careers then what is love for? If its only to hurt me, then play victim to me, then there is no reason to give love to a man or a woman for that matter, and can just talk directly to the US Supreme Court, that doesn’t mean Im tough, or Im not being nice because life hasn’t hit me over the head yet in a negative way to teach me when to stop, I have struggled and I don’t make my struggles anyone else struggle or represent any movements in life for that matter as though I have the key to success, you are innocent once, and after that you cannot live a life being nice to anyone, who thinks you have a mean side or someone who is dishonest or not trustworthy or who doesn’t do a good job helping others, so its not that Im too late, is that I am now authorized to apply for Government jobs again and they know where I have been in life and its not your responsibility to hurt me and get away with it as though I deserve it or deserve to die or suffer for the sufferings of others, that’s not going out of your way to help that’s helping because you are well and others are not being nice to you, so that’s something I figured out writing and taking notes in front of the US Supreme Court. Then went back to school and finished.