Im not doing well today processing but in a much better place now calm clear headed, earlier was paranoid anxiety affects my thinking. Eventually I will be able to live my life as it was before dating in law school, with mental illness needed to be stronger and not date at all. Now I have hpv (diagnosed July 2014 with high grade carsinoma cancer cells requiring two surgeries within 30 days under anesthesia, while dating one person only since August 2013 testing clean prior and testing clean November 2013 after we started dating -I should have never gone on birth control why I've never taken birth control except once when 18 dating a 33 year old I met when I was 17 my first boyfriend, and ran 5 miles everyday for 40mins-1hour for 2.5 months and lost 25-30 lbs (Sept-Nov) while having the surgeries done while waiting like Lance Armstrong) so now no one will want to sleep with me and I wont have to worry. And be alone now because I did my best but should have handled relationships more professionally not get so attached and become the weaker partner and dependent on them, I was better off not getting too attached, because when Im attached I get insecure and that turns them off and then they are not as drawn to me. I know now I will not get married because I had too many boyfriends and failed relationships. Relationships only work when Im confident, when Im not confident I should not be dating I only hurt myself and they have nothing to do with it, just not used to being needy, used to be independent. But thats my punishment for getting into a relationship when I was not ready and after telling him I was not ready, then Im attached and he's still chatting on facebook and I go then why did you want to date me if youre still looking, then Im insecure, he's secure, and I become the needy one needing reassurance. I was better off kinda depressed in touch with friends focusing on school finding my self worth and pen pals with men no sex required, that was more stable emotionally for me, but I did what was normal date one person make him the center of my universe and work hard in school and be a good girlfriend, and not go out.