2-16-15 once you hurt me
Once they hurt me I dont go back. Why I left last two relationships and left Keith. And left Ron. He chickened out too early, why he took me to El Pollo Loco, and he hasnt gotten me hot since. Really annoying. Im trying to give him a second chance. He stabbed me in the heart at an open house, I ran down the street like GET ME THE FUCK OFF THE FACE OF THIS EARTH.
Thats what the song Fly Me to the Moon by Frank Sinatra is about.
I put my headphones on and sat outside the house frozen for a few hours after he left. Had a heart attack.
Wayd it go Cardboard Ron.
Then his light went out.
And he hasnt left me since.
I dont shine his Apples but I make sure his Apples are shiny, if not I dress up and try. That gets him focused. Otherwise he feels grose sloppy.
I would make fast friends with Strippers. Im sure they know exactky what Im talking about. -I have a gift of lighting people up empowering them, by giving pieces of my power away to them. - When I was cold to him rejected him, he stood facing away from me sounded like he cried, then went into the office w/the dog door, stumbling around the fence like he needed to get something. -He gets abused by Women, theyre too difficult. Why I make it easy, and Im bad. So he doesnt feel bad. I naturally behave in ways that make people feel good when they feel bad NOT THOUGHT OUT I shut down when peoples lights go out and SPEED UP when theyre flying to high or not at all, and leave when the ENERGY is back to level. My job is done.
Inside the US SUPREME COURT I felt the urgency factor, and that was correct trouble was on the way, we did our best. No resolve able to achieve in time, and destruction hit. But there was effort to map out and cease fire and be an oppositional force but could not stand alone. And stopped and disaster striked. I dont get support so when Im drained I stop, focus on the positive.
Now I provide and leave whats provided for in an open space. Seems to have done the trick, turnover homegrown to position of peaceful indifference not for or against but enough not to trigger or take place of those feelinfs and invest transfer to curiosity not hyper defensive hatred toward others but look at us more objective not with sympathy but feel smarter than not drawn to or provoked or pity but no good feelings generated for harm caused, its like erectile dysfunctioning for homegrown terrorists, they are the ones I fight everyday, handing out lollipops and molly dolls.
Created for and provided for on behalf of The US MARINES they sent me an ENDORSEMENT DEAL ONLINE via Twitter. Why? Bc I needed a more secure endorsement deal other than Justice Thomas do not want him to allign be put at risk of harm, AND HE IS NOT INTO POLITICS so if I feel Im a political figure (such as why relationships dont turn to marriages and why) I have to cut back on weaving him into my feed if I feel not well liked so he stays liked and I only I bear the grunt of harsh scrutiny and they hold the upper hand of judgment for or with but to not turn those looking for a against judgment or with to then feel possibility of feeling justified. Theyve always been for me, there was never judgment against me. I just got two DUIs not because I felt guilt or deserved it but only way to balance the scales and re- establish direction of authority in crisis and levels of authority to step down was the BEST DECISION given Im only 29 and given too much power and influence. Needed to redirect first source of aporoval best from location and be a last point of reference and confirmation not a primary point of reference or first source but a tertiary source of input and go back to TEXTBOOK-MY BRAIN-THOUGHTS-to-ONLINE.
In this COUNTRY we check back to STONE COLD PROFESSIONALLY PUBLISHED WORKS if NO STONE COLD WORK EXISTS we write AND IT BECOMES THE CONSUMERS RESPONSIBILITY TO CHECK BACK TO STONE COLD PROFESSIONALLY PUBLISHED WRITING TO CONFIRM WHATS IMPORTANT TO DIGEST -NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO PIN POINT WHATS IMPORTANT AND TO WHAT AND TO WHOM. So long as its stated or TAMPERING OR TYPIS REFERENCED TO than order is made and issue is trashed IN LAW ONCE AN ADVERSE POSITION IS CREATED BY ERROR AND LATER EXPLAINED (WITH NO DEFENSE OF JUSTIFICATION MADE) ISSUE IS TRASHED -IT IS NOT LEGAL TO TAKE A FALSE STATEMENT ERROR TAMPERED OR OBVIOUSLY ADVERSE JUDGMENT RENDERED STATEMENT TO THE EXTREME OF TRYING TO PROVE AND WHEN NOTHING COMES UP IN RESPONSE TO JUSTIFY TO ARGUE ONE IS ACTING. Im not an actress therefore NOT ABLE TO HIDE EMOTIONS OR ACT LIKE EVERYTHINGS OKAY WHEN NOTHING IS WRONG AND NOT GET THREATENED INTIMIDATED JEALOUS OR THROW A TEMPER TANTRUM ONLINE OR REACT when I get aggravated and character attacked. As anyone would. Nothing to do with THE SIMPSON TRIAL. This is me NOT HOLDING BACK. Not what was expected. Not the reaction they wanted. How do I know. I saw Keith and he gained weight, wearing the sweater I bought him, head down, not taking in his surroundings as is his normal demeanor, didnt notice me, doesnt feel like he won, blends into a group, doesnt light up, only lights up to me, because I feel him, he's frustrated not happy, like kicking rocks in the path, pouting, folding his arms, and eating Stouffers microwave food, watching porn, falling asleep taking deep breathes, smiles handshakes and waves with his dog Charlie, looking down at the ground, and taking calls working, not heart attached to anything. He'll be okay. And if he misses me he'll text me, he always does, even randomly at 5 in the morning, to let me know he wont be back for awhile. For all I know he's married. Thats how he behaved, there when hes there and when hes not there I dont feel him, only feel him when he needs me to feel him. Like my Boss, except my Boss feels me when Im flying, and feels me when Im sleeping, and feels me when Im frozen, and feels me when Im manic, and feels me when Im focused occupied not paying attention, and he feels me when Im thinking of him. And similarly I can feel him when hes ___ not ____, thinking of me or not, down or up, needs help, or not, embarrased or confident, curious, content, upset, rejected, insecure, secure, moody, off, manic, or lights out. When I started he was manic, so I became sexual online, and then got serious, playful, then comedian, and now he's okay. And Im okay because I helped him, and now everyone knows how to help a manic person, by making them feel normal. How do you make manic people feel normal by flying at a wavelength way beyond whats normal and when they feel like they can recognize whats normal not normal seeing another they feel normal not not normal and when they feel normal THEY THEN BECOME NORMAL BEHAVIOR THOUGHT WISE. Otherwise if they are not able to set aside those thoughts or feelings, it makes them shy, shy people are people who let their emotions eat them up inside they dont share their emotions and as a result dont share feelings with others, not how they operate. Why bc they dont want to get hurt , characteristic of those who have been hurt before such as myself. Im shy. But to undo the discomfort of another who is shy and not watch them and their emotions eat them up inside I respond, because it makes them feel good. Not because I got pimped or have no choices, but Im drawn to those in need of love, or people with issues, because Ive been through a lot helping others my family, I know how to be there when others need help what makes others feel good when Im there and how to get people who shut down light up naturally, is how Ive always been. My best friend is Sydney Simpson, I know not HOW TO BE TRUSTED but how to make others trust, others are able to trust when they feel special like no one can hurt them, they are able to feel like no one can hurt them when they have stability someone who treats them the same no matter what not any more or less or differently given their position in life upbringing or whatevers going on around them. I have a nack for making everything feel normal when its not and how to bring others into an enviornment create or make use of, or bring to life surroundings in a positive way to not feel like harm outside can cause harm to inside if the inside is stronger than the outside than the outside cannot penetrate the inside and one feels out of harms way and outside not a threat not because theyre not able but attention is not paid to the extent that is able to or made seem like its allowed without invitation or with that boundary is best acknowledged and recognized when that boundary is not set and not identified as existing once that boundary is identified as existing then that becomes the boundary to which an oppositional force will penetrate or disable or destroy in order to affect negatively impact the inside forces ability to strengthen and or neutralize conditions to not trigger repel excite or invite an outside oppositional force or parasite from infecting the core. -A true measure of ones core is estalished when a boundary is drawn recognized an oppositional force lights up and the parasites become empowered by supply of ONLY WHAT IS IMPORTANT AND WHAT IS OF VALUE AND WHAT IS BEING PROVIDED FOR TO ESTABLISH OR CREATE THAT BOUNDARY, ones abilities are NOT COMPROMISED by a negative judgment passed or adverse position created or triggered by a given set of circumstances, IT WOULD BE WRONG TO INFER that abilities and accolades were what gave a person esteem and that by taking away esteem by attacking accolades and abilities would thus inhibit ones ability to help others or maintain a boundary created to neitralize the inside from the outside, and that by destruction of such a position or thought ability to destroy would make the outside feel like the inside and upon such occurance a result would be achieved to establish that the neutralized inside was for purposes of creating a boundary by using result if destruction as argument for purposes to prevent based on assumption that destruction was eminent or neutralization was established knowing destruction potential existed or needed to be neutralized from. When such a result does not occurr and the outside had crossed that boundary to the inside, then oublic safety considerations come to light and the only people harmed are those who attacked the core to get on the inside and then now try to claim justofication for reliance or complaint that the core is not making them feel good and is still neutralizing to create boundary from. From is the assumption. Boundaries are not created just to keep from or provided for from to establish a source from or boundary between from or identifying any side as a negative or positove separate from or inside or outside more valuable than as to necessitate boundary from or difference between separate entities sides or positions in life an issue or by connection knowledge or relationship to or from crossing paths or knowing but innate. IT IS INNATE TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL LIKE YOU DO IN LIFE. What is NOT innate is to feel good and behave to make others feel worse off or better than you. If one behaves in a way to make others feel better than, than thats but one example of maintaining a boundary between inside out to make them feel different separate not like and not near but feel far and you seem distant, leaves them feeling in control and able to attack the core because you appear maleable not a threat not sturdy and when circumstances created by your own change, inside stays neutral, because then only you light up to the outside and light up to those who are empowered and or empowered only by the belief that they can control you or affect you or hurt you or able to achieve some goal or result to get rid of you or bring about at set of circumstances or truths they think proper or able to if they are able to change your position BECAUSE THEY BELIEF YOUR POSITION AND CHANGES IN LIFE WERE DUE TO THEIR BELIEFS change occurs AND when change occurs does not go to prove change based on that and change now are do to that because change occuring now is due to that because that occurred when that occurred, if circumstances created not occuring naturally than response does not occur naturally because naturally causes and triggers for are NOT it in in themselves continuous but there is a general stopping point and ending pointing and period a lotted upon which change can occur for better or for worse, if not the case nlt naturally than reaction result cannot then be used as justification or rationale for a non human created set of circumstances or position in life to say what is now is what it was then to a greater or lesser extent by evidence of reaction occurring resulting from enough triggers to produce a result and enough triggers until a result occurred and enough triggers to establish a result to prove one is acting. When one feels like theyre dying and triggering was thought to produce a manic violent result and be crazy and loud and angry and that result does not occur, than I was misdiagnosed. As being more strong, and misdiagnosed as acting, and misdiagnosed as a slut or cold or mean, to then justify that when this this that occurred is why you are like this now, well this this and that did not occur not why I was like that I was like that because I had a stroke in Feb2009 recovering from, so when this this and that occurred, and to stop from occurring made obligated to say Im alcoholic why I have problems then subjected me to more harm and then attacked as though I cause harm to myself or others, no Im a happy drunk. Im not aggressive and Im not a slut, and I dont harm myself. If Im being treated like a delinquent or someone who does not value themselves or purposefully devaluing themselves because one does not care or feels deserves or for attention or to otherwise give up or make seem a lost cause or too big a burden one cannot handle on their own than that was or were the set of circumstances to which or were created by another for the purposes of establishing a dichotomy upon which only weak grounds could be established or grounds upon which could easily be attacked or grounds upon which the issues easily confused and made seem for other reasons or puposes for showing that or by way of achieving a result that such result would achieve a result to figure out a past event, no no one who lives life purposefully ever achieves purpose that helps anyone but themselves and never produces a forward result but generally only produced for and or capable of achieving and creating either 1 sides or 2 sides that create a dichotomy to prove a side or 3 a result that provides information or can be used to argue establish or set forth a chain of additional arguments for or against a persons character and purposes for which character is derived from or established from. That is assumed only by someone who lives life purposefully in relation to others and assumes their position in life is stronger weaker or more powerful given the positions of those around take in life. If I need to be this way to make you feel that way to take such a position to put me here and you there or feel this way if I feel that way and enable you to feel justified than thats what will occur how and why, not to win or satisfaction of achieving such a result, but out of love for another when one loves someone they react and behave in a way to make that person feel good and if someone they love thinks thats occuring and feels good able to move forward on the belief that your this way why your this way or not able to see them, then the only way to make them feel better not rejected because you love them is to make them feel right not wronged but justified when there are too many indicators that one has wronged you based on a set of false beliefs and one cannot part ways with the upper hand without being attacked because the other has not only been rejected but result achieved does not make them feel like theyve won in life, than to make someone you love feel like theyve won is to let them win, and if behavior they claim justifies why you were not available can be proved then they move on and you can be yourself. Why because you were already hurting with them anything in addition cannot hurt you because they hurt you and you were not that way because others hurt you, so whether with or without if treated like so, if they cant see the difference, than better to let them win. Why because you love them you dont want to see them hurting and when you love soneone and theyre hurting you feel obligated to help them so that they dont hurt, letting them win frees you from obligation to make one you love feel better and enables them to feel better winning thinking that they feel better because you were over here and they were over here and because you were over there not loving them then how theyre responding to you over here now mad at you and the mad at you is what makes them feel good then the mad at you part and reasons for which will be strengthened by someone you love who doesnt want to fight with you just wants you to be happy and if being mad at me is what makes you happy then that is the emotion I support and behave in reaction to to support to strengthen that happiness, best way to achieve being apart withoit being harmed continuously enables the other to move forward and leaves only myself with the burden of moving forward on my own without feeling like Ive won in life and harmed and makes everyone feel like theyve either won or not sad or not feel bad for me because I care I dont make people sad or behave or write in a way that makes people sad, care, or angry at me WHY - BECAUSE I DONT LIKE ATTENTION NOT COMFORTABLE WITH ATTENTION I NATURALLY RESPOND IN THAT WAY and that characteristic is evident in how I respond and the reactions generated to not create a strong a strong response because a strong response is not desired. TO MAKE CERTAIN SUCH IS THE CASE when a strong response is desired a strong response is felt, which is why if I say Im doing this this and that then Im not doing that, and say if Im doing that then this this and that will occurr, since this this and that did not occur then that wasnt occuring at the time I left him and leaving him were not therefore for those reasons, and a temporary decision was rendered which was not respected and no other threat was posed to generate such a response, therefore not deserved, therefore all his emails to me were not to keep me but to make me look bad amd him good for his own standing as though he knows or knew or thought that mattered, what is not clear is why emails were what should have been text messages and text messages did not reflect emails, and why when text messages sent and read and replied to and I ended up in the hospiral, what the pupose for emails were when resulting psychosis was achieved and aggravated up until was achieved and I started calling and texting without reply. I never purposefully aggravated nor ignore nor not respond to ANY of his demands or questions but responded to all, if a response is demanded and response is not what you needed to hear to feel good (and you were not given sex) then there is good reason for not NOTHING TO DO WITH GETTING IT ELSEWHERE BUT NOT AT ALL not wanted NOT LOOKING FOR. If I need sex I can get sex, I go out a few times and sex finds me I dont have a problem finding it why I dont need to look for it or try or set aside time effort or energy to achieve such a result or NOT try to get some from somewhere else while with another IS NOTHING I HAVE EVER DONE NOT WOULD START DOING AND NOWS NOT THE TIME THOSE KINDS OF THINGS OCCUR AND USUALLY DURING A TIME ITS NOT NOTICED HOW DO I KNOW BECAUSE IVE BEEN CHEATED ON WHY DONT I CHEAT BECAUSE ITS GROSE TO AND WHEN IM WITH SOMEONE I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I DONT WANT IT FROM ANYONE ELSE AMD NEVER GET TIRED OF IT AND ONLY WANT IT FROM THAT PERSON AND THINK ITS GROSE WITH ANYONE ELSE. -Sometimes they dont stop attacking until you give them something to attack up until then everything gets attacked if you give them something to attack you isolate those issues and other issues dont become personalized, what was NOT ANTICIPATED was that once theyve achieved attacking one issue theyd go through all my issues and attack them them the same, thinking that if one wrong can be argued caused a result then there was a wrong on my behalf that caused a result. No wrongs causing results stemming from responses to wrongs assumed or in defense to wrongs or thought patterns for causing or justifying or behind or underneathe a set of emotions creating such a result or excuse for or rationale for what stems from or creates or sets forth circumstances that will lead toward prove of justify or confirm such results occurring during such circumstances with this this and that at issue mean when this this and that are at issue then these things occur. Anything purposefully triggered or put in mind or tried to take hold of and pinpoint attention to to then have everything THEY THINK should then relate back to or stem from or result from or be attached to anything and everything used to prove or explain reasons for which or build understanding for why is acting with purpose and living purpusefully toward not for their own purpose in life but for the purpose of achieving some result when and only when some result occurs to another that will make them feel this this and that is the case and was the case and therefore if they can achieve ending at this stopping point once achieved that anyone else who sees that ability will similarly stop at yhat ending point is acting with blinde purpose not for the greater good but with an intent an intent which may or may not foresee an alternate result but an intent for which has no concern for an alternate result if occurring to occur and as not affecting them. Aaron is my responsibility, I may not be his, but I still have to look after him love him, even after he does not need me, why because thats my duty as a Professional to protect others and keep them safe from harm even if they attack me even if I look bad or stupid even if I dont look Professional or able or smart or a leader or capable why? Because thats my duty and if thats my duty it doesnt matter to me how that job gets done or what is thought of me while I live up to that duty, but so long as I am the only one hurting and everyone else feels better, then that means my effort to help others was achieved and well received and if not no counter nor alternate direction affects my ability to perform that duty other than the choices I make in my life for myself and the state of my mental health and ability to communicate in a way to help others. While dating Aaron I was taken off adderrall, during that time I didnt have energy to talk things through why that was not respected and sudden reaction was rendered is not justified, sudden change did not occur therefore sudden reaction was not expected and full response and explanation was always given. Why a few weeks to myself why not allowed did not make sense to me. So what was an initial temporary separation became permanent, why Im still single hurting and he's moved on happy. Shows I was not ready or looking. That was not the case and that was never the case.