Perfect job for a loner like me. Lots of work. Technically could have filed for Disability last year, barely worked but one paycheck a month. So having trouble falling asleep and waking up still, Im a night owl because I dont like to be around people, I get anxiety. When I study or work Im all over the place, I dont want them to think Im a crackhead, but I cant function if things arent neat and organized, still working on being more efficient, figuring which tasks require more mental effort, to do those tasks first, and working on doing things once thru. Had this problem at Childrens Law Center I do everything twice or more. My Supervising Attorney goes why do you do everything twice. I need you to draft the Motion, she goes get it done today, parks me at the Computer at the absent Attorneys desk that day and had me write a draft that day. She went on vacation while I was law clerking, and she had me cover her caseload while she was away, sat at her desk, kept up with phones calls and updating files, and spent the afternoons at the other office with the other Attorney I was assigned to. One morning I was supposed to show up early to court to meet two children we were representing who I wrote motions for on their behalf made timelines and worked on their files for weeks and spoke to them on the phone. I was not able to speak to them beforehand, and I still feel bad. Feel like Court that day would have gone smoother had they been able to check in with someone beforehand. My Client walked out on the Judge, I felt so bad, and blamed myself for not speaking to them beforehand and preparing them answering questions so they would be calm prepared. One of the kids I interviewed goes "none of my dreams come true." Some mornings I observed my second Attorneys courtroom on Thursdays Fridays I think, one of the kids hanged himself after he left Foster care and was sent back to his biological parents (Aaron told me that story, my Ex and I were paired in the courtroom, he was there all week I only came twice a week, in another Courtroom the other three days). Im not supposed to talk about the cases, but think these are important stories to share. The Courtroom Interpreter wore a small messanger style purse, running around to different courtrooms all morning. The Judge in my courtroom, saw his name on a ballot once. I was assigned to the biggest courtroom, the others were smaller.
Im not getting married, because I have mental illness I cant take care of another anymore, need to just work, take care of my family. Ive wasted too much time and energy maintaining relationships, pay for everything, buy them gifts, pay for plane tickets, help write his paper, give them class notes and reading notes and outlines, let them drive my car, trust them let them do whatever they want never question them, fold their laundry, clean their rooms, clean their apartments, let them play golf with my Dad at Riviera, take them shopping, take them to Laker Games. So I dont try hard anymore, maybe why Keith left, I dont get my hopes up, like the kid I interviewed "none of my dreams come true" attitude in life. Ive learned people want you when you dont want them and you dont want them when your focused working on yourself independent not co dependent and you want them when you cant focus not independent co dependent. Never allow anyone to pull you out of your zone in life, I learned that the hard way, this person wouldnt stop until they were the center of my universe, and I only felt calm when he was pleased and if I was not pleasing him he would make me feel bad, so I would only feel good when he felt good or feel bad if I felt good and he didnt feel good which is how our relationship started and ended, I felt good and he didnt feel good and he didnt stop attacking me until I went into full blown psychosis and in and out of the psych ward for the next two years, three times.
93.5 "everythings gonna be alright" (Back in the Mix Weekend by @DKSKREA).
In relationships I look tired drained I dont glow. I date men who arent glowing, then when they date me they glow and my light fades. Its hard to make someone else feel good and make yourself feel good at the same time. I only started to worry about myself January 2013 when I left my Ex, go wait a second I invested all this time & energy on my future to have a career and nothings working, I lost my drive, I cant focus, Im depressed, I have low self esteem, this is not like me, have never not felt capable of achieving in my whole life. No I dont want to be your stay at home trophy wife, thats not why I went to law school.
Basically I wish I could be my Boss. He works REALLY hard. The cases my Supervising Attorneys handle are HUGE.
One of the Attorneys checks in at 8pm, I get called in, pull documents for him and he sits at the cubicle with his headphones on and writes a 20 plus page Motion that night. I aspire to be a machine in life like that. That was impressive. I wanted to be like that, Ive had a few moments in life like that.
Panic Station by Muse
He winked at me, able to find and assemble all the documents requested for that night but one document, found in the morning, and lost volume2, did a great job and he thanked me for helping out. And even stayed behind longer so he could go to McDonalds and back not get locked out. (Im in my element getting to work everyday is like stepping on set in a Movie, hired to do your job stay in character and be on point, all self esteem and confidence issues aside, get to be myself - then I get home and have to mentally prepare for the next day what needs work what went well what Im lacking so I can improve each day until I achieve the level of consistency required to better assess what personal issues are worth addressing or important if Im hurting because I was accused of devaluing myself or worthless, than how was I able to achieve, I got so pissed off I drank and relapsed on cocaine and dated men I met at the bars, for what, if I lived that way like I did that spring through summer I would not be where I am today or achieved what I was able to accomplish. - why not say youll be fine dont worry you can do it i believe in you i know your sad but im here for you dont say that you know i love you and i understand your feeling down you just need to get your petition in if you need help just ask and everything will be okay. INSTEAD I HAD TO DEFEND MYSELF WHEN MY HEAD ALREADY HURT SLOW NOT SHARP DELAYED AND I HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
The other Associate texted me the other night to check on me and touched my back goodbye (James my friend), for the day.
Everyones hardworking, personable, and no one looks at me dirty or cold to me, I get treated like a working professional, be a full service paralegal/legal secretary need to work on my phone skills and getting things done faster, not get intimidated, use my soccer brain more, put all self esteem issues aside, let my work ethic represent who I am not by how I feel or look. I look like shit talk slow have trouble speaking saying some words but I promise Im really concentrating doing my best to be on point keep track of directions and retain what I learn.
Report by Intern Paralegal & Legal Secretary mini me to RCT
Zero (ClubState Mix) by Shaker & Simon
SITUATIONS TO WHICH A DIPLOMATIC RESPONSE IS ALWAYS REQUIRED AND THE MOST MATURE RESPONSE WHEN PROMPTED TO TALK ABOUT OTHERS WHEN THEY ARE NOT PRESENT WHETHER IN A POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE LIGHT IS NOT THE MOST ETHICAL APPROACH TO UNDERSTANDING ANOTHER BY ASKING FOR THE OPINION OF ANOTHER ABOUT A PERSON, BEST TO RELY ON ONES OWN INTERACTIONS WITH AN INDIVIDUAL NOT BY THE OPINIONS OF OTHERS - THAT MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE FEEL LIKE IM HIDING SOMETHING WHEN I TALK TO THAT PERSON AND IF I APPEAR THAT WAY I WILL NOT BE TRUSTED, TREATED AS NOT GENUINE, WHY BEST NEVER TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ANOTHER ESPECIALLY IF PROMPTED BY ANOTHER TO SAY SOMETHING AND IF ASKED BEST TO ALWAYS BE BRIEF NOT SHARE ANY PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT A PERSON THAT WOULD NOT OTHERWISE COME UP NATURALLY IN CONVERSATION, BEST TO PROVIDE THE LEAST AMOUNT OF INFORMATION WHEN ASKED AN OPEN ENDED QUESTION - ESPECIALLY TO A FEMALE NEW-HIRE THAT KIND OF INFORMATION TURNED ME OFF AND INTIMIDATED ME, I WAS ENTHUSIASTIC BUT A DIFFERENT PICTURE GOT PAINTED - I GO MAYBE IM NOT COOL ENOUGH FOR THIS JOB - IM JUST HERE TO HANDLE THE BASICS - LIKE THE BEHIND THE SCENE SPECIAL EFFECTS - I GET SOCIAL ANXIETY SOCIAL INTERACTION REQUIRES A LOT OF PREPARATION PEP TALKING MYSELF TO BE POISED NOT NERVOUS OR APPEAR UNQUALIFIED OR UNDERPREPARED BUT PRESENTABLE ABLE TO HANDLE COMMUNICATIONS WITH CONFIDENCE NOT BE UNDERMINED OR CAUGHT OFF GUARD OR TESTED TO SEE HOW LEGIT I AM, (MAIN POINT*:) Ive worked really hard my whole career as a law student and paralegal student and kept applying for jobs since 2008 first for a File Clerk position and paralegal positions, a very long journey, Im sorry I posted on my Linkedin that the terms of my employment were 300 hrs to full time employment, after speaking at length in my job interview about my options in life having applied for months-years, and that the only other job I had interviewed for an received an offer for was selling office supplies/solar panels door to door, and based on my experience education and career goals and interests a decision was made as to what my job description would encompass and upon completion of the internship hours assigned was offered a full time position for pay, I told him I was looking for job as a Paralegal, explained my qualifications and reasons why I want to be a paralegal, described how I came to that decision, and a job was offered to me based on how I responded to his questions and the information I provided to qualify me as a candidate for employment following an internship period. If I didnt say I wanted a job doing this this and that kind of work I would not have been offered a job available that matched the position they had open. These things cause one to be sized up, my fault for disclosing a preliminary forecast of my career path, when I first started, put too much pressure on myself to get from point A to point B. That explains why he wanted to play pool go out for a drink after the holiday party, thought it would be a good ice breaker to get to know co-workers not get off on the wrong foot but be personable yet professional and approachable but with boundaries and not get too comfortable otherwise you wont be taken seriously.
The other female Associate asked me for help with formatting issues and questions about where to find documents, and complained to me about work and not understanding directions or what she was supposed to do, reassured her she would get the hang of it, and when asked for my opinion let her know thats not the impression I get you just need to ask more questions if your not sure about something to just ask for clarification speak to him I dont know what your talking about. If theres anything else let me know, good luck with your assignment. Describes one of few interactions with her, in my head Im thinking, youre an Attorney, whats there to complain about, dont ask me questions about what to do or if you dont understand an assignment, but took that as a compliment. That was interesting. I dont see her at the office anymore. If she wasnt happy working here and concerned about the name of the company as not as impressive as the corporation which was being represented by the company and felt like putting a case name on her resume would make a difference ...is what turned me off. So thats why when she'd ask for help, she was not a priority had to get my work done first, but assured her Im not avoiding you Im behind need to work on a few things today but available to help you tomorrow. Thank you for your patience.
Im wearing a vest my Boss bought me that says "dont pet me Im working" like the service dog wore to a womens AA meeting with the elderly lady. (Im joking).
Apparently I handle HR issues too for my Boss.
The other Associate is a great employee, works hard, enthusiastic, he's got a lot of light. I remember when I felt important, enjoy this period in life when your zooming pick up things fast fired up about life, best time to grow, eventually you burn out and go on auto-pilot whatever sticks is automatic.
Are you an Attorney? No, but I grew up on Rockingham. And Sydney & Justin used to drive their hotwheels Lamborghini and Bat Mobile to my house. And Sydney and I played pool while her Dad sat with his Attorneys in the adjacent room watching TV during the Civil Trial, and we played SuperNintendo Donkey Kong beat the whole game and instant messaged on AOL.
Need to help my Dad buy a house and my Mom wants to buy a Condo.
Im not a touchy feely person, make little eye contact, if Im talking I make eye contact otherwise if Im thinking listening hard to make eye contact. I do side hugs, and go European cheek air kisses only with my parents friends from New York and my brothers European friends from Business school. But think Ill go back to waving and handshakes, best option A B C OR D, option A. Handshakes and Waves.
Dream living space, the one in Santa Monica with the fancy bathroom. New goal. Need to keep working hard.
And The President used to stay at The Peninsula. And when he flew into town they cleared the airspace at LAX planes usually flew by my classroom so close could feel the vibration. And he shut down Santa Monica Blvd, was blocked off, while I was a law student.
Cool Kids by Echosmith
And when The President signs Bills he has a pile of pens he picks from to sign, I always have a pile of pens in front of me when I work and study and in class.
Panic Switch by Silversun Pickups