Like the movie Salt (2014) (I've been doing my best, no need to turn on me to make me try harder, that just hurts and keeps me from going, why is everyone only happy now that I am not accomplishing anything in my life. A failure. Whats your definition of failure. Someone who gives up. I never give up. Whats your definition of success, money? how do you make money? by working your ass off until you can't function think straight become schizophrenic and get a job and have to rehabilitate yourself without throwing a tantrum, and go I did everything I needed to do to get her, and now that Im here I can get back to where I used to be. Whats the purpose of aggravating someone to change their mental state, what point are you trying to prove, everyone thinks what they want to think and different things affect different people, if sharing my story does not affect you in a positive way that is not because Im stupid its because either (1) you cannot relate, (2) doesn't make you feel good because it does not reflect positively on you when a story is shared about a way in which I have been harmed and that doesn't mention you or blame you, (3) you think Im on drugs being too emotional and dont care, or (4) you think Im just making stuff up to make myself look better or hurt others. Response: If it were not urgent and if I were not getting sicker and sicker by the day, I would not mention it, or try to reverse judgments passed on me that are keeping me from achieving in life and continuing to work without turning to drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism because my feelings are hurt and I want to feel good. Everything I have accomplished in life is why I feel confident and feel good about myself, if you do not feel good about yourself reading this or hearing my stories, thats not because of anything I have done wrong either directly or indirectly affecting you, but because of something you have done wrong, its not my job to make amends with those who harm me, it only subject me to more harm put me in a vulnerable position and gives room for enabling them to hurt me again (even when Im down, even when Im tired, even when Im sick, even when Im suicidal, I still get kicked when Im down, and sucker punched if I acknowledge their feelings and give in say okay sorry I left you or sorry I do not hang out with you or have time to do things go out, Im always pressured to accept blame for my own problems and its okay for anyone to scream at me talk shit about me, but if I complain or say why this why that how come this how come that I get told to focus on myself, or you did this to yourself, or you have no one to blame but yourself for your problems, or its all in your head, or your over thinking too much, or thats not true so and so loves you they dont think that, but still hear your this your that, pill head, drug addict, alcoholic, slut, terrible person, moron, what are you retarded, what are you lazy, well at least I dont sleep with random people, why dont you go out, why dont you have any friends, you should do this you should do that, why dont you wear this why dont you wear that, you need to fix this you need to fix that, why do you sleep during the day, why dont you wake up early, why dont you exercise, you need to lose weight, you're this you're that etc the list goes on and on, these things do not bother me, I am used to being called these things in life, what hurt was when I was honest when demanded and truthful when questioned whether I "hooked up" with anyone during our time apart if we were to remain friends, and he criticized me until I punched my head, tried to hug it out at the end and punched his shin said get away from me, told this person I just got back from the hospital, my head hurts, explained why I cannot see him, I just wanted to be alone, did not feel like being suffocated cuddled and baby this baby that had failed out of law school and needed to focus on getting back into school and take meds get a doctor's note and start the semester late, but was sent a million text messages, and emails, replied to them all, and drove in zig zags on the 405 freeway after three drinks until I got pulled over, for changing lanes without a blinker and got a suspected DUI blew a .03 and did a sobriety test in the Whole Foods Parking Lot in front of 4-5 police cars shining their lights on me.
It was during that time, I went into psychosis, paranoid and delusional, talking to myself and when drinking started sounded crazy and writing a bunch of random stuff, etc. At the end of the Summer I met Keith, who picked me off the streets with my backpack at a bar with my headphones on eating tacos with $20 bucks in my pocket on a tight budget, no car, on foot, and in alcohol school for a second DUI in March after dinner with family, got in a fight with my sister and walked home from Takao, and my car was missing and drove her car to Hollywood and went to Harvard Stone alone, had a couple drinks sat at a table in an empty bar and watched a live performance, crying in the back smoking a cigarette, and left and drove home.
I started applying in 2008, began working on my Paralegal Certificate, kept interning, went to law school worked on a JD, law clerking (full time and part time) and interning, then started working on an LLM got my first paid job as a Law Clerk (working one day a week or from home) and now my first full time job as a Paralegal intern. It is very difficult to get a job at a law firm paid or unpaid, very competitive, why I am still single not able to maintain a relationship, because I usually leave when they ignore me or dont have time to see me, never because of fighting.
Working as a Paralegal, required a lot of work experience and schooling, to stand out as an Applicant. I started applying to jobs at law firms in 2008. Able to get a job every year 2008-2014. 2013-2014 I experienced severe mental health issues that kept me from working, resulting from being taken off adderrall in law school in 2011-2013, I became tired trying to keep up with school and work as required by my family to start working while in law school and earn a living, got depressed left someone who wanted to marry me because I was not happy and therefore could not make him happy be a support system like I had been, my head was hurting from stress, and he got very upset with me and I went to the psych ward and he eventually got his dream job and a new girlfriend. Similarly when I got sick In 2009 I was not able to maintain a relationship and left someone I wanted to marry in 2010 towards the end of my first year in law school because we did not see eachother anymore and I was too busy didnt have time to go golfing with him. He eventually got married and is happy now. I realized why I cannot be in a relationship is because I get jealous so Im most stable and confident when single unattached not dating at all with no love interest, in school and/or working and helping others, helping friends, being a positive support system and a good listener not wrapped up in my head about where he is, who hes with, or why is he not responding to me, than why do you keep seeing me. That doesnt make sense to me but I try to be accepting of everyone and everything and treat everyone the same warm friendly and cordial, I never complain, why? Because I complained once at work and if you say someone or something else is the problem then they turn it around on you and make you feel like your the problem or say that you are the problem. So I NEVER COMPLAIN. Im tired and my body hurts and Im getting hot flashes but I still work and do my best to show up and fall asleep at night not feeling like a defective product or a damaged good and move foward with no regrets in life or resentments but when required to list them all for my 4th Step in 2011, my boyfriend was cold to me and I didnt hear from friends and my family was hard on me, my brother called me an embarrassment to my family and criticizing me for not getting good grades in law school, Id try to explain and tell them Im working hard. My brother would go whats wrong with you why are so fucking weird. Well, before law school I went out drinking with friends kept drinking they left and woke up next to someone I didnt even know his name, and another time got offered a ride home from someone who works at the gym I grew up going to who was just trying to sleep with me and made me feel bad for him didnt want to thats not why I was talking to you, but since Im not an asshole and like to make people feel good these things happen. At my expense Im called a Slut by my Ex, Im not a Slut Im nice and never needed a boyfriend growing up or in college or in law school always super independent then dated my ex who was co-dependent and changed for him and pushed myself so hard in 2011, I went to the hospital online at night on Westlaw researching and writing (Westlaw is only available to law students during non-business hours) because he made me feel stupid because he won CALI Awards and top of his class on Scholarship, and school is really hard for me takes me a long time to read and understand but he was able to read biographies and huge books in addition to being a law student, so I envied him, I wish I was smart too, I read for work and school, used to watch CSPAN everyday morning noon and night when I left law school to feel apart of included up to date aware and in the know of what is going on in the world and listen to people speak, like going to school and sitting in class listening to lectures and learning. The President even said the word "golly" when speaking on CSPAN.