Personal Journal is locked for the rest of the week and will be locked until further notice. I need to take a break from writing in my personal journal online due to stress and burn out, and maxing out energy wise. It not helping me to write when I am only hurting myself and helping no one and misunderstood, so best to not share information or things about my body that I am not secure with, but illustrated as a defense to being called a slut, if it is something I am not comfortable with at all showing than not something I am openly willingly make available or get pleasure from, if I dont feel good about my ____ than no one else can make me feel good about my _____, why? Because I have to feel good to have my ______ feel good. And if I dont feel good then my _____ doesn't feel good, and therefore a man cannot make my ____ feel good and if I am also undergoing questioning regarding my sexuality, pressured that if I do not feel good that gets interpreted that I am this way when it is because I did not feel good to begin with therefore I need to feel good in order for this to feel good otherwise sensors in that area are not active and sleeping, also due to being put on Risperdal in addition, I am not easily stimulated not in the mood. Not in the mood ever. So this month was difficult, being online and advocating one thing, and then getting turned on at work, and the two issues collided, and in a neutral space went through issues not related to issues predominantly discussed in a broad stance on topics that are not gender specific or regarding my sexual orientation or relationships. When a new relationships starts, reflection begins, but in order to establish trust and put my best foot forward, everything needs to be explained so that the same defects of character are not triggered and so that the same defects of character are not created to present me in a way that I am not to say she is that way she was that way and thats why this happened and thats why we're not together and so and so. I need to take a break. Rest for a minute. Im pushing myself too much and then didn't go to work for two days fighting over the same issues that dont matter to me now but only matter since I let go and moved on. I tried my best. I texted and called everyday. But not good enough. So he needs to be with someone better. End of story.
Follow-Up Explanation on Psychosis of Thought and Reservations Re: Genital Mutilation….Why Mine is Mutilated and Why Mutilation Occurs and What Mutilation Prevents from Occurring ….Or May cause to occur, based on my own personal experiences. (Once you get dirtied you never go back, and thats the only way you get it dirty…JUST SAY NO TO COCK CAMPAIGN).
My Twitter Feed is Active on @mymollydoll for more extreme idea sharing and outside the box through my own personal experience deductions on the hows and whys these things occur Im sure based on my own experiences maybe not the same but if so here are my two cents just in case and things I think are important to shed light on, and why will become evident as the analysis and theory is developed from the outset can be read one way through careful thought and generalized conclusions and deductions drawn from personal experiences, my guesses on why, why what is not considered a human rights violation in one respect can be understood as a human rights violation if looked at by the consequences of one issue on a larger scale and whether that helps or hurts people makes them sick subject them to more harm or help prevent harm from occurring or for purposes of preservation or for purposes unknown. My ____ is mutilated. Over time by self-mutilation, and other not sure at what point, someone not careful, clearly, and not gentle, didn't care, thought it was like that because I get it like this, no it was not that bad until you gave it to me like that and now it looks like this. But its water under the bridge.
My Journal Password: tumbleweedcottonwoodsummercamp
I went to Tumble Weed Cotton Wood Summer Camp, Pali Camp, UCLA Basketball Camp, Soccer Camp in Santa Barbara, Walton's Grizzley Lodge, Camp Pontiac.
PSYCHIC READING LOS ANGELES
and Tonight's Rumination by Molly
Today was a peaceful day. People getting focused, out of the fog from the monotony of the beginning of the week, and getting ready to kick into gear for the weekend to do something fun, catch up with old friends, and spend time being social, in preparation for next week, next week feels like a busy week, meetings scheduled and deadlines to meet, dont get caught up in the stress of others, but stay task oriented and manage time wisely, make sure to handle all personal affairs checking email responding to emails and returning calls from friends daily, or first thing in the morning so that you dont go to sleep worrying and have all day to wait for a reply or if you miss a call or text be able to get back to them, is what has worked best for me when handling email correspondence, waiting until the end of the day adds stress, best to take care of everything first thing in the morning. --Like all cities, there is competition, for jobs, friends, boyfriends, and in schools amongst classmates, dont let the competition bug get you and distance yourself from your peers or keep you from keeping in touch with old friends, always best to maintain the friendships you have and be able to build new friendships relationships while adapting to maintaining contact with all relationships, otherwise if you over invest to overcompensate to build one relationship, the loss of friendships and contact becomes more difficult to repair when not in the same condition you were when contact was lost, and in an even worse condition when trying to disassociate from someone who demanded contact but not dependent on contact but required contact when needed but then criticize you for too much contact, and when contact lost and ready to repair contact be rejected as though you detached, lost contact to detach, no I lost contact because I needed to deal with personal issues never detached, was always attached, just not the way you wanted me to be so I needed to be alone before I attach to someone who is not attached to me and only attached when I am focused on my work gets interpreted as detached than attachment demanded, when attachment was never lost, why when I am one way too much, so I stop and focus on me. ---I knew this was gonna happen. I knew he did not have experience with relationships. I dated him anyways because he begged and kept asking me out, and said "come on Les I thought we liked each other" made me feel bad, I told him "I am not ready for a relationship" "I am not good with relationships, I suck at relationships" crying on the steps to my apartment. He was reassuring, he really liked me wanted a serious relationship. So we dated. Everything was fine, fighting not fighting, only froze when started doing poorly in school, needed to be alone to mourn my losses not finishing law school, which he did not respect or recognize as something sufficient to give someone space to think be alone, my head hurts. Instead personalized everything to be about something it was not, I say I feel this way because of this in two pages, he would say its because you wanted to drink and fuck. No if I wanted to drink and fuck I would see you right now. Clearly thats not the reason why. I told him I do not feel like being intimate with anyone right now. He did not believe me. Then something bad happened. Then he got mad at me. Then he kept attacking me. I got suicidal. So I drove on the freeway and zig zagged until I got pulled over and spent the night in jail, why? because I couldn't take it anymore, I was punching my head, and punching my head online in a video, and wanted to kill myself because he was hurting my feelings and it was too painful to keep explaining to him what happened and him continuing to tell me I was asking for it and I initiated it and I put myself out there for that purpose and thats not the case. ---I didn't start dating until June or August. He started dating right away and had a new girlfriend. Why attack me…. I am not a slut. Im nice. I dont dress up sexual I dont flirt. I dont understand why Aaron kept putting me down when I looked independent only liked me hands and knees fawning over him, then call me needy and when Id go in to hug him he'd push me away and make me feel gross rejected, I dont understand why he wanted me to be one way then criticize me when I show love and then call me needy and I let go. When someone loves you, when you push them away it hurts them, and once you hurt them its hard for them to love you the same way, because it doesn't feel good to put your heart at risk, you love them but tense and then they become insecure requiring more reassurance reassurance that cannot be provided because when I was that way naturally it was not well received, you can't demand something now given and rejected. Im not invincible. I did my best to make our relationship work to try to get back together. But he would not get back together. And my relationship with Keith did not last. Thats okay. You guys will find better.
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