Its a beautiful moment when you are able to open up and be yourself around someone, sometimes we are unwilling to grow attached to anything that causes us pain, that’s being afraid to try something new, or express yourself in a way, that would make you or others uncomfortable later on, to have known someone that personally, why its important to always know your limits, as a professional: writer, law student, paralegal, model, vlogger, blogger. Not all will see the beauty in you, that’s just a fact of life, and there will always be interferences in life with your better judgment upon opening up, feeling free, in the moment (in any moment of self-expression) you are you, and sometimes there is nothing anyone can do to stop you from vocalizing your issues out loud, whether that be for therapeutic purposes, or for personal reasons defend yourself against any negative commentaries toward you, questioning your best intentions in life, not all things done with love, are for personal reasons alone, sometimes in trying to make other people happy we may subject ourselves to harm, and then become upset with ourselves, when things do not turn out right for us, acting for others, instead of keeping in mind our own best interest in not getting hurt privately and then publicly have to explain why you are hitting your head, have fractured your hand, or have ever felt insulted by anyones fake advances toward you, to cast you under a negative light personally and professionally, cause you to look like something you are not in private, unprofessional, or too casual with the management of your image, Ive never purposefully taken a bad picture in my life, always tastefully done, and now with help from messenger lenses, even better looking than I started, while trying to figure out why my face was becoming disfigured, coping with weight gain from abilify, so that I would not self-harm, and hit my head (not feel well, tired, upset with myself, a better option than committing suicide all together). Eventually you have to pause, figure out what was causing you to open up in excessive amounts to others, why you needed help, and why you couldn’t manage your time alone, without constant contact with others, trying to manage problems ongoing in your head about life, and think that problems could ever be resolved together with another person. In deciding to return to my Ex (in the future) its because finding love online is impossible, it may for the time being (4 years) been a positive experience, having a pen pal (ie Trump Accounts) but has grown to become a cat and mouse game, of being good enough or not good enough, and probably nothing I should have ever talked about, initially contacting him, after visiting scotus, to inform him of what issues I felt were important at the time, was having issues hitting my head after being hospitalized for 30 days, following a 90x90 attendance to AA meetings twice a day, was told that that was going to help me, but it turns out that I only got sick in the process of speaking in meetings, and leading meetings myself, a speaker, among very successful members of the community in attendance, and a few famously known people, in recovery, seen during my time in AA. -I wouldn’t call it being self-destructive, to self-harm, but as a coping mechanism, in private, if it goes on long enough, may eventually become a public issue, as to your overall health, whether you are able to manage your problems on your own or whether you need help, and whether if you need help are able to help others. Sometimes you just have to let go of lifestyle choices in life, and check back into reality, how long can you go on, maintaining imaginary friends in life, how appropriate is it to carry on, conversations with people, that youre probably never going to meet in real life. We all have our own lives, and just like you can get hurt in real life, and be avoidant of having real friends and boyfriends in real life, the same kind of hurt can result while having a pen pal. That I just learned, and as you come to know new people, fall out of love and in love with someone else, or come to admire others, don’t expect to be let go easily in life, sometimes by the time people come around in life, or are around, we have other things to do like work, focus on ourselves, lose weight, get back to normal, take meds, cease self-harming behaviors, and cut back on activities in which we share too much of ourselves in private or public, which have the potential for leading us into difficult situations in life or have the potential to cause difficult feelings for others, who know you, but don’t want everyone to know that they know you privately, or friend you, but don’t want everyone to know that you are friends, or date you but don’t want everyone to know that you date, or like you but don’t want everyone to know that they like you, for some reason that seems to be my disposition now, either in love or not.
03-31-20 Originally Posted
Privately I have only reached out to a few, mostly for reporting reasons, have made contact with the Government, in the privacy of my phone, that’s really no ones business, what thoughts are had about things, whether I take things personally or not, am affected, sometimes things aren’t about you, but can have a negative affect on you, as interpreted by others, based upon who they know, or what they know about you, think things are about you that are not. -I have only been pen pals with a few Trump Accounts, since leaving AA, someone to talk to who I trusted, when not well, on heavy meds, in bed, not looking like myself, while putting myself back together, post failure in life. It takes a lot of courage to keep going in life, apply for jobs, work at jobs, and stay well, not all are capable of working the hours and getting paid, and sometimes we end up in the hospital when not well. Recently have reached out to a few Actors, one of whom I saw on Direct TV, and thought on a whim to message, and he replied. Shortly thereafter a series of deductions hit me, not assuming anything is about me or anyone I know, fell ill, Im not sure why that happened, just be happy for people based on where they are in life, and do your best not to interfere with current systems of support, taking care of their needs, while trying to stay well, and away from controversy. Its hard to get close to anyone, sometimes under such a heavy pressure in life, that its difficult to even just be me, sometimes its due to my own faults in life, put in a worse condition, and sometimes, based upon my fears, think the worst is happening to me, meaning things will not work out for me in life, that’s just a roaming fear, nothing to publicly announce, I should be happy to be writing on what is now a very successful blog, read by many, and once ranked on Alexa 34,000, that was a huge accomplishment for me, and also to become a Feedspot Top 100 Personal Development Blogger. I always get sick whenever anyone thinks I am talking to people knowing they are married, and trying to disrupt that bond in life, clearly I am not well enough to be paid attention to when I am not doing well, so if they are responding, its only to cheer me on or to support me, with compassion, its not always romantic, and if it does become that way, that’s between me and them, romantic meaning them wanting to get to know you on a personal level, and help you succeed professionally, which would be required to have things in life, like a job, friends, a boyfriend, husband, how quickly those prospects fall apart, upon being misread, that’s how you get hurt, when you share who you have received a reply from, get sick, as though you are an unwanted connection, I don’t think that anything mutual is ever to be interpreted as an unwanted connection or association in life, maybe for people past, who thought less of me, however now I have worked my way back to a respectable place in society as a writer, and very proud of myself, whether that leads to romance, friendship, or simply meeting people who have been successful in life, and able to lend an ear, learn to let things go as soon as you get sick, probably means an untimely meeting, or for unnecessary reasons, controversial at odds.
Love you Joaquin Phoenix, so nice to meet you, happy when well to talk, sorry I got sick, will take some time fixing myself, to establish a better rapport, not get wrapped up in controversies, or opinions about me, speaking to someone already linked in life, why I look bad now, Im sorry!
Theres nothing simple about maintaining the peace, when it comes to resolving the interests of those who seek to be reinforced, made better, highlighted, or be viewed as in harms way upon knowing someone, who they feel has subjected them to harsh scrutiny, we are all responsible for our own choices in life, and with the options afforded to us, not complicate our lives or the lives of others, by our misgivings, hardships, or misunderstandings to say the least resulting from any lack of stability or ability to be stable among others confident, trusted, and looked upon professionally as someone of sound opinion and insight, ignored or put down, as having the potential to cause problems, be blamed for subjecting others to hardships, as connected, to claim that had they not known you, they would not have suffered in life to the extent, brought by the circumstances you managed to face, getting involved in the first place, showing up, and pitching a simple solution, to divert attentions away from causes for pain, in favor of creating options for us, to be bound not by controversies, or losses, be made to feel weak, or suffer even greater hardships, once put together, that always seems to be a problem, not wanting everyone to feel good, or people feeling better on the outside, and people on the inside feeling exposed, or feeling small compared to those not directly affected, thats the price that is paid, when speaking in private if frowned upon as not for the benefit of the receiver of insights, or be misunderstood as a channel for disclosures not intended to make public, how a bond is lost, or the inside receiver gets hurt, I forgot, by sharing informations made privately in public, I guess if not for entertainment purposes to shed light on who may be affected, just trying to make better their situation, ensure that they are not affected by what I have exposed myself to in life, questioning, and negative judgment, harsh scrutiny, and prying, investigation, and study, of the timing of my life, when deductions were made, things noticed, and at what point it became clear that anyone not invited into my private spaces in life knew of information kept privately in the privacy of my computer, Im not sure when, maybe upon losses. Im sorry! Dear: Joaquin Phoenix, its youre time to shine, not share my issues unaffected by your success in life. At least he’s not in a martini glass in Vegas, and the Ex to a musician highlighted by Moore. That actually happened to me in real life, saw Dita Von Teese performed live dancing in a martini glass.
Sitting in my car one night I once filmed myself to my iPhone, describing myself as someone who lives without regrets in life, and has beared no resentments past toward others in life, it was only until attending AA meetings that I was required by assignment, to discuss any time I felt hurt or betrayed or at a loss, and it was mostly filled with flirtations and losses (ie crushes on people to which I had no ownership interest in or connected to physically in possession of them, or holding a piece of my heart, capable of being displaced upon exposure to love from another, replaced, causing a detachment of love back toward me, that could be felt) not real losses, mostly discussing recent events, not my childhood, it never occurred to me to go that far back in time, relive all the moments I could remember in life, all my experiences, who I have hooked up with, and to discuss those private interactions out loud, and upon exposing those secrets about me, intimacies with others, felt heartbroken, in acceptance of how giving I was, nice to others, let people into my life without fear of getting hurt eventually, and why I grew distant from others socially, its usually out of hurt that occurs, its not a strategy for making amends later on, once you get hurt, sometimes its hard to accept people back into your life, because it hurts, not because there is anything wrong with them, that I think gets misunderstood, as though someone being who they are is purposefully intending to be the type of person who's story hurts to hear or is so disappointing or heartbreaking on its face, that they knowingly exposed themselves unfixed to expose others to what type of pain they were enduring as unfixed have to sit through the process of watching them get well again, waiting on anyone to get well to feel better upon knowing them, can be a very painful attachment in life, disheartening to see no improvements, slow improvements, or no changes within as knowing someone, able to separate oneself spiritually from them, either obsessed with looking for flaws to rationalize or justify detachment from them (ie talk $hit) or ignore (ie not follow, and later be shocked to learn something about them you have not heard to further your dismay for them, or shocked to see them in a better condition, however disappointed of the lack of commitment to maintaining some type of continuity of care to which they could afford in life, like their health is the public's knowledge to know, how they are cared for, by what means, and how they were able to heal and overcome bipolar, thats everyones HIPAA right not to disclose causes for their illness, subject others to the same kind of thinking associated with causes to enable others to think that its okay to think that way, giving up in life, and not talk through their problems in life, journal or write, while processing the life they have lived, their experiences, and where to go from here, if they feel their options are now limited, by whatever disabilities they have been managing privately, (ie hitting my head self-harming, which occurred when I got syphallis and needed a penacillin shot, I dont understand why now that is occurring, or why when sent voices, my feelings always get hurt, when negative terms are used which I take personally as hearing, to see how tolerant I am of foul language and $hit talking, not that tolerant, very sensitive, not a $hit talker myself, Im a creative writer, who seeks to empower others, open people up to broach the subjects that pain them, not okay people passing in life because they just cant deal with life anymore or that things are so impossible or unbearable that they need to relapse and die to communicate their pain, of course Im not trying to do that, who does that purposefully, why Im sober, because I know I have a few screws loose already bipolar, so I take meds, not self medicate with liquor cut loose and be free emotionally, Im thinking about a lot, and if I dont say things right look obnoxious, or not thoroughly stated in a way that shows careful thought and consideration for the well being of others, codey and not reflected upon with insights deemed worthy of importance, or fair game for misuse, to devalue something, or someone, who values themselves, based upon what other finished products look like, say because one is not in tune with current code, one is not apart of, or is too far behind in life to care about, therefore grounds for attacking them their past and make fun of them because they were once really into helping others in a silly way, making iMovies, and DJ-ing, and writing life quotes, and history jokes, re-blogging fashion, and looked like a waste of education, no I was being original, nevermind, if youre not professionally trained in something, you automatically get discounted as imitation, or accepted as doing so with expertise, no I watched reality TV, thats how I was then, and who I am now is different, most people dont face photo keep track of their health, go easy on me in private please) people thinking that someone who chooses not to date, not to have friends, and finish a masters in order to work again, is being selfish or not trying hard enough in life, as though one is trying to purposefully play their cards in life, to represent themselves as though in defense to anything that has occurred in the past look like someone who wants their choices in life to speak for themselves and make a statement, as to their professionalism, intelligence, or cares in the world, look better, because they do not look well on their own socially, doing things for superficial reasons, or to find a better man or a better job in life, I never saw myself as climbing up any ladders in life, other than professional ladders, which I was not privied to begin ascent, others assuming it must have been for good reason, without understanding the time demanding experience 5 years or more, since 2008, as though how I presented myself in the past, was acting in a way to be accepted, not how accurately portraying myself as I was, I don’t think you become challenged to adjust to others, and try hard physically until you feel like youre not good enough, or to better yourself, to be more likeable, because as you were, you were not able to maintain possession of the things you wanted to accomplish in life, keep up with those goals, such as finishing law school, managing reputational concerns flying overhead about you thought to be in reference to you as though you were ever a symbol for public use, deserving of being denounced before ever having achieved in life, a proud and confident disposition in life, continue on professionally, in spite of not finding Mr Right, be judged as though you willingly subjected yourself to looking bad, no I think in the moment you just want to be loved, and date whomever is attracted to you, that’s just not feeling beautiful enough to date men who are successful, who are generally no where to be found socially or out and about, only though friends and work did I meet two men who really loved me and one through Facebook, who went on to play basketball professionally -its always upon giving up in life that you are made to look worse, even misinterpreted to have been defective not good at maintaining relationships troublesome, or the cause for the demise in your positive rapport with those closest to you over the years simply because you have lost contact, no that’s just me experiencing bipolar, and not feeling well enough to go backwards check on friends, and have a positive moment sharing about life and progress, and who I like, and what Im doing in life, and what I have to be proud of in life, that takes time usually means needing a career to feel whole, something that shows that you are of value, so if you cant find that then maybe that’s why some women are driven in life to look good and be perfect so that they get picked by nice men, that makes sense, I never really thought of that, was always an athlete, so stayed fit for sports, but never got thin enough, to be a total arms trophy, could be a little smaller, the last one didn’t care, no one really cares now, people who know you, are just happy to see you well at this point, its changed over the years, how hard people push you, its not that they are tired or have given up faith in you, when they criticize you less just means that theyre not worried about you, and that you seem like youre doing fine, its always when Im in the moment and focused, and full of energy and going in life, that I suddenly get hurt, maybe getting paranoid making too many hasty decisions at once, changing passwords, thinking about subjects too serious for me to grasp mentally yet, as applied to what I know, and trying to manage my privacy, that’s not a reflection of doing anything wrong, it just reflects my difficulty letting go, keeping everything. -As someone once said, upon arguing with my then close friend over high school issues, and only liking famous people, was reprimanded via group text message to all four of us "Leslie has serious mental health issues" then I was hospitalized put on 5150 hold, for swallowing a bottle of then prescribed Kolonopin, of course I was insulted, everyone else gets to shout at me, but Im not allowed to get upset, thats the pattern ....
Anything that cannot be fixed is broken, such as financial loss, a loss of respect, weight gain, image, reputation, outlook, the past, death, addiction, alcoholism, intelligence, mood, so much of life requires one to be stable, its always upon the rehashing of events past, that you either pave way for acceptances moving forward respectful of the privacy (feelings) of those who have suffered losses in life, which to them seemed beyond measure, and a result of more than simply addiction alone, but due to many conditions put under, now that we are in hindsight, with a more collected approach to addressing the past, to put those fears to rest, so that in the future peace is not further disrupted by the same transgressions past, I don’t think having fun, and living life, falling in love, coming to admire, look up to, be influenced by, learn from is a transgression, when you are impressed with others performances in life, or proud of the achievements of others, not everything is a PR stunt, to issue sides, take sides, or to prove points, and make history, as being about something bigger than the contents of what is written to be about, relate to people outside of a story in real life, reflective of all who suffer the same, you cannot represent the sufferings of others, without insult, mention, I think is what has happened, to later mention any losses that you have known of, and lived through, to not mention at this point, would seem like Im trying to hide or kept to myself, knowing and not doing anything about it, or became powerless, and performed worse, because of losses, as though I beared some responsibility to do something about it, given my education experience and scattered real world experiences, and few social experiences in life outtings, I did not have much to say confidently about life, as not having lived life yet, but as things worsened, and to avoid running the risk of being blamed as though I was a person who upon meeting served as a bad window toward positive change, or a bad example of someone living a normal life, or a negative insight to how to cope with your troubles, be misrepresented by others, further casted away as having problems that weren’t important at the time I got sick 2009, or why I have been self-harming recently, it takes a long time to process, wake up, speak, and not be upset, or unstable in face of anyones stance in life, that is their right afterall, to represent what values they seek to proliferate around them or based upon what they believe to be true, react, that’s mostly if people don’t know you personally, its easily to write someone off as unimportant, not a historical figure, capitalizing on losses, not upon their own gains in life (education) share with others, if ever for negatives, that is never a strong enough story alone to share outloud, always wait until you have reached a higher ground in life, more stable, achieved some success on paper, with knowledge of what has worked and what has not worked for you, before you come forward with confidence and describe your experiences, faith would be having such a good understanding of your own life, and having seen the good in others, described events or experiences in life, that do not misrepresent the truth, and whether that makes you or others look better than you, was the truth, and by telling the truth, hopefully all else falls into natural order again, that’s the benefit of being honest about your experiences in life, some lie to make themselves look better than others, as a built in defense, withhold information from use, which can be used against them and added up to cast them as consistently being in error, that’s upon one negative judgment, others trying to build upon one negative to further misinterpretation of them as being rightfully so negative, to prove that they make poor choices, which lead to negative results, and because they are that way, why they should be looked at, and not believed in because that will only lead to poor results for others as influenced by them. I understand that point, that public figures now have some duty to live a life, which can be viewed and upon being viewed bear some responsibility to illustrate a life, which upon viewing can produce positive results for those watching, who have not yet experienced those things, learn from those transgressions, choices, mishaps, maybe even negatives, and see for themselves a better way of dealing with their problems in life, so that they too don’t get attacked, for anything they have done wrong in life, and be punished in the future, for not having been as smart when they were younger, or a better leader, or served as a better representation of what wellness looks like, as though they are responsible for any bad luck suffered by anyone who has come into their life, and not been met with good fortune upon knowing them, we don’t all have that affect on others, that’s the gift of being a woman, representing those you love, protecting those you love, explaining things to those you love, re-producing humans for those you love, staying of value chaste for those you love, and being someone trustworthy for those you love who can be relied upon in life, for stability, should anything go wrong in their lives, go to for a sense of normalcy during tough times, be grounded.
Its easy to get caught up in frivolous matters, and lose focus in life, if its only upon being pulled under a Bus in life, that you look back to figure out why, then you have either waited too long as believed to be the case, that had you come forward earlier in life spoken about the past that things would have turned out more favorably for all, is a misconception of the use of time, as though someone had knowledge and with that knowledge an ability or know how, consistent with current discourse or in alignment to anyone interests at the time, they had yet to discover, inspect, read up on, investigate, or research, in a perfect world we would know more, but the less you free read the more sheltered you are perception wise, when it comes to assembling a bigger picture in life, and be consistent among the energies provided to you, know where its coming from, why others are coming on to you too strong, or why investigations of you have taken hold of your ability to behave naturally, think well, and perform under those circumstances in life, preyed upon, or looked at, in amusement to your best interests, gravitating toward those with a more like minded, settled, at peace, leaving you in disarray and alone, as you try to figure out why you are struggling in life and for what reasons your life was made to be more difficult as looked at in the negative, before you even had the opportunity to be represented publicly in the positive as connected to members of society, who were subjected to harsh scrutiny, cause a similar attitude to take hold toward you, whether or not with the intent to result in the same or similar hardships, difficulty speaking, no I do not think I should have been treated the same, as having lived a separate life, since I hugged OJ goodbye at the airport when Sydney moved to Miami, and cried in the Airplane, on my way back to LA. –If you cant figure out what is wrong, reporting in public what you know is not the solution, to figuring out what happened and why, and for what reasons anyone ever thought that its upon meeting you or seeing you, that ideas about life happen, or sudden motivations reached, by people not connected to you personally, who think they have a better viewpoint than someone inside a life story or set of circumstances, who is closer to that threshold of pain, when a “story hits close to home” as the saying goes, for some reason it seems as though people have become less sensitive and think that by publicizing those issues outloud, will somehow bring about a comfort supplied by a manufactured comradere with one another having known your story … to think that that kind of embarrassment would ever generate comfort, that others know something about you, you are not aware that everyone knows about you, is disheartening, and heartbreaking, a very different reaction than maybe others had expected. Therefore upon viewing my timeline, please see less of my childhood, and think that for any reasons the choices I made in life, reflected a confidence in life, when it comes to adapting to my surroundings and being well liked, I went to prep schools for etiquette training and learned basic social graces, when it comes to competitions in life, not raised to feel threatened by anyone in life, but to challenge myself in life no matter what difficulties I faced athletically or academically, and to shine whenever possible, in whatever I was good at, I used to get As in Math, an A in Physics, and an A- on a Chemistry Midterm or Final once, a good student in High School, and Tri-Team Captain of the Soccer Team and Tri-Team Captain of the Volleyball Team. That’s a very failed system, other bonding as to your identity, deciding for you how you should appear to others generally, as though because they know anything special about you, have a better viewpoint, and because they have a better viewpoint, put you down, thinking that its upon being put down in life that you buckle down, and become a better person, at what point do you let someone who has suffered or struggled in life, to decide for themselves when to slow down or push themselves to extremes to make changes in their lives or improvements. Why is it okay for people who aren’t you, who step in your shoes in life, to then accuse you of being bipolar or seeing things wrong, as disconnected socially from others, while on your own, be mismanaged by others physically resulting in an identity crisis, once respected, and then viewed as an easy lay, since when is that type of behavior encouraged to anyone of importance, maybe not important then, but everything I did academically and athletically was to be recognized in the positive, is how I was raised, even asked to try out for the Olympic Development Team (ODP) kept a t-shirt from that try-out, me and the goal keeper, who played soccer for CU Boulder, freshman year, 1 of 5 freshman selected to play for the B Team, we had won The State Cup as adolescence, I scored 3 goals against San Diego Surf, didn’t start, but later scored 3 goals and had 2 assists, the 2nd goal by me was a volley from the top of the box into the net, I remember. I didn’t play much in college we joked my “5 minutes of fame” on the field, I got stung by a bee once playing in a field atop a mountain with flag poles, flags from different countries, or maybe it was just our flags and a state flag I forget by now, our warm up t-shirts said “CU F-king Black” on them. I lived in Aden Hall Freshman year, dorm options were not by choice but by survey filled out with my Dad, and that where I was placed upon what was selected, the smallest dorm on campus, in the Engineering Quad, across from the Stadium, freshman year there was a free concert in Farrand Field, where they celebrate 4/20, and Maroon 5 was playing, my college roommate told me, she grew up in Arizona, and dated, meanwhile my boyfriend from the gym was 33, and I was 18 having just moved to Colorado. His picture was on my wall above my desk, in a mini frame, one of his modeling photos. The guys above us used to have milk chugging contests, and barfed out their windows splattering onto our window once. One 4/20, while walking to class, I bumped into Bauer, who asked me if I was going to celebrate on Farrand Field, I had attended a previous year, but that year I decided to go to Class: “Nutrition for Health and Performance” we watched a video about Monsanto, and seed distribution. I eventually made straight As one semester, was on Deans Lists a few times, and because I enjoyed writing got an A in Sex Gender and Society, we were given bowls of free condoms, and I took a handful, just in case, decided to switch majors to Sociology, because I performed better on exams in which I could write out the answer, rather than select multiple choice options for a Psychology Major I took up to statistics, but only got Bs in, I at one point had a 3.8 in Sociology, was President of the Honors Society I think, I ran, I don’t think anyone else ran, so I got the position, participated on Wardenburg’s Health Board, a voting member, and was 1 of 10 selected from the top of my class of 300+ students, to be a Teacher’s Assistant one semester, we wrote the exam questions, and graded blue books, I graded three 30 people classes worth of exams, that’s 3 blue books per student, we made the grading criteria for points. It was a Criminology Course “Deviance in US Society” my professor with real world experience doing Sociology research, once spoke about raising a family, telling her son "Alive at 25," she would laugh a lot, we were required to teach one lesson, dressing up as different types of call girls, all the fancy roles were taken, and I was left with “Sex Slave” and bought a dress at Goodwill, and made a black eye on my face, and stood up on the desk in front of 300 people.
Listen not all of us grew up with parents from NY with an innate ability to talk forever, that’s a genetic trait, having good memory, a good sense of direction, solid focus, and an ability to withstand pressure, and to be the best at everything you set your mind to, not all of us are capable of shining in that way, a record holder 12 pull-ups in 2nd Grade, and record holder 50 sit-ups in 1 minute, and the fastest time in the Shuttle Run, that’s moving two blocks one by one to the other side and back timed. That was me growing up, I took gymnastics, able to do a backwalkover on the balance beam and once scouted at the gym to audition for the movie Corina Corina as a child and took dance lessons, before that ill fated night 1994. Life as you know it may change, sometimes forever, and even with fewer opportunities, less money, and even if you have to start over in life, suffer on the basis of your connections in life be associated to, you have to keep going in life, this happens to many people, not just those in my immediate surroundings, troopers at that, whoever thought that so much tragedy could occur in one neighborhood, it musn’t all be about connections in life, or is it “tigertrail” reports the newscaster covering the fire locations and its precipitation through the hillside “beginning at the base of the 405 freeway.” I knew someone who lived on Tigertail, my first boyfriend (and I think Jim Carrey), we sat next to eachother in Kindergarten, Jordan Bahat (who left CU Boulder to attend USC to study Film, making the Movie: Jealous of the Birds, about the “Invisible War.”), he of course was covered in lipstick on Halloween in his Karate costume, I was a dressed as a princess with lipstick, how did that happen? In first grade, we used to do puzzles together during recess, I don’t remember anyone else being around, the square puzzles, 9 cubes, with animal heads and bottoms on all four sides, you had to match up all the heads and bottoms of the animals to complete the puzzle, we were both selected to be in Mrs. Wynn’s class, the advanced class, the class was split into two, taught by two teachers, Mrs. Tarvin was the other. For some reason every year I was a student, the teacher would get pregnant and have to leave and another teacher would take her place, that happened to me a couple times as a student at Carlthorp School. Before my Kindergarten entrance exam, I remember talking to my Brother, who was preparing me, telling me that they are going to ask you to build a tower with blocks, and yada yada, what else to look out for, I was admitted 1990, I turned 5 August 7, 1990, and graduated June 1997, I kept my navy “Class of 1997” t-shirt for awhile but its lost by now. In 5th Grade I had a crush on Andrew Sun, who later danced with my other friend, who I was best friends with in 3rd Grade, and think I later had a thing with Jordan Bahat, after playing truth or dare in his tree house with friends, dared to French kiss eachother, and we did so then spit out the windows to the tree house, I still have a Color Me Mine ceramic doggie bag painted yellow, with a dogs face on it, it came that way, with “Love, Jordan” on the bottom, he was a black belt by 4th Grade, I remember, I missed the 4th Grade see what next year will be like class where you get to go to the next grade the year before and sit in with the teacher meet them, I was instead asked to attend a meeting with the LAPD in the downstairs Library, in which they notified the class that there had been a homicide to a Mother of a Student at the School, and gave us information about how to begin to understand what had happened, as well as inform us of information unknown to them at the time, and then opened themselves up to questions, and rose my hand to ask “were there any signs of a struggle” based upon something my Mom had asked me, in talking to her, a question they could not respond to did not have the answer to, the day I found out, the day after the Murder, on time to school that day, my Brother, told me in the schoolyard, popcorn was being made that day, that “OJ Shot Nicole” Im sure that is something my Mom probably told him, my Mom was supposed to go running with her the morning she passed and was first to the scene, was the one with a key who opened the door for the police. -As my best friend Harry Morgan said “You and Katie were the two hottest girls in the class,” Katie, held the mile run record, and taught me how to do a backwalkover, and owned a Molly Doll, we all played with, and pretend kissed eachother hands over our mouths as little girls I remember, I wanted one, but my Mom said they were too expensive. -If people know you’re story and its not a in a professionally published book, like anything valuable, with accept it as their own, and then treat you as though you don’t belong, like its not your own take on events, youre own memories, and as shared, others take ownership over interests, and devalue you the person who has provided information, treat as secondary or unimportant, is so insulting …. I was first to speak to SCOTUS, because I am from a story, I know a little about what happened in the news, a little about what happened before the news, a little about what happened later as told about others, and given my movies and music connection is what others thought was the reason for me speaking to the courts trying to justify a crime as though done so on my behalf, as though I ever expressed any complaint about any finished products portraying what life was like at the time, or ever read too much into a “highlighter” scene as being about the “Deposition” from a real trial, with a Jewish Attorney, like Shapiro, and ever think that the “highlighted” portion being referenced to was when the children were named.
The pit of impending doom, another rescue mission, huh? A pretty fable “Movie: Pretty Woman,” I suppose running for years everyday at night, and losing 50 lbs, made me a pretty $hitty detective, should have listened instead to my fears of the dark not faced my fears head on, that was counterintuitive. What is brave? The longer you prolong the process of recovery from whatever wrongs occurred while under the influence of drugs, alcohol, or friends, the more you look like a sell-out, avoiding subjects in life, by keeping stories or insights to yourself, upon realizing anything in life, mark that moment in time, and be sure to share your recollections later on in life, to remind yourself, of how far you’ve come, absent minded acquiring fears in life regarding your privacy interests, whether or not anything was about you to begin with, or whether your private spaces were seen, that influenced the decision making of others, to build, create, or make apparent any issues viewed upon meeting you or learning about your identity in life, sometimes we don’t see things until we know people, and sometimes we don’t learn things in life, until we get to know someone else’s story in life, that is the benefit of meeting people, like a window open, to another way of life, different than youre own, some will always be better off in those respects, not faced with the types of challenges you may encounter being yourself, finding love, going through breakups, being written about, made famous behind your back, spoken about behind your back, or seen as stupid by anyone talking to you, who doesn’t think that youre special, or beneathe them in life, how should we treat eachother, and still maintain esteems in life? As a general rule one should always be nice to one another, no matter who they are or where they come from, and no matter what is said about anyone, known about them, treat them as humanly possible as normal, without being instinctively critical of them pointing out to the what is wrong with them, or outright rejecting them from your life, as not good enough, disappointing, or not well. It used to be the case that when people are not well they remove themselves from equations in life, that’s a natural reaction to anything that has gone wrong, been brought to their attentions as being of issue, or to avoid being affected by the issues of others, separate themselves from the lives of others, and keep things to themselves, that’s normal, to need alone time to recharge, think about life, excel, perform well, stay focused, and not fall apart loving others, or while trying to be social let loose and not be taken seriously in life, your memories stay with you forever, how do you want to remember your life, in the positive we hope, the more proud of yourself you can be the better you will fair later on in life, the more regrets you have piled up for yourself, the more difficult life may become, as imperfect, or easily subjected to reliving the same mistakes in life, if you have not matured and become a better decision maker, lose opportunities in life, as unsure of yourself, not wholly confident to take steps in life, to grow, change, or face challenges in life, that includes any rejections imposed onto you, while reaching out to others, that’s a risk you take, upon loving someone, who loves themselves, or who already has love in life. -Its hard to attract for yourself in life, things or opportunities or people if you first do not have the skills, mental health, or education, to prove your potentials in life, offer something to someone (intelligences) that they have yet been able to put into words, that’s what you as a writer, have to offer the reader, insights, not readily available to them, or already put into words for them, that is your reading of your reality, if impressed upon another, brings to light better insights for them, better judgments, and stronger beliefs in themselves, well then youre doing a good job as a writer, sharing intelligences that sit well, within the scope of normal feelings and thoughts, and don’t sit outside the scope of what is a socially acceptable reaction to life experiences, no matter how hurtful the consequences of misjudgment have been, to you or anyone, who has been punished in life, nothings permanent, including self-love, confidence, self-esteem, physical health, and mental health, anything put together well, can deteriorate overtime, if you do not take good care of yourself, how a once positive impression of you gets lost, among, if you fall sick, as others improve, we cant all be doctors, and rise above all controversies in life, and not take personally, when we have yet to be included among the well, in the workforce, whos fault is that then, when someone is not included to participate in life among the well, who is responsible for those conclusions made about them, as though they knew they were being preyed upon for insights, and upon being preyed upon are now hereby responsible for any circumstances that ran afoul for anyone else, who we assume to have been in kind spirits referenced upon others living life, and cheering them on from a far, as though they adequately represented the whole purpose of what living life was about, exceling, being confident, naturally making friends whereever they went, dating, breaking up, moving on, being experimental, having friends, losing friends, going to rehab, graduating, moving home, dating getting into law school, how difficult is life anyways, no one really has it better than anyone else in life, no matter where they start or where they begin to shine, realize their potential, lets not discount them completely because they were not in any leadership positions creatively, to establish a clear pathway in the public arena to be known and to be known for what, besides their connections in life, that’s not giving someone a choice, to call them out on things known about them reading their private steps to themselves, to delay their positive progress in life, so that their lives turn out for the worst, how do you expect someone to continue living life, without a job, without friends, without a boyfriend, seems difficult right,? That’s why I blog.
Not too thrilled aren’t we all, are we there yet? That moment of peace, that someone seems to always F up, for the betterment of whom, usually to cause disbelief in what is occurring now, to make themselves feel of significance, to countering any pleasantries occurring for whomever is doing well in life, has defied the obstacles standing in their way, and achieved success beyond measure, there has been no other time period in the history of mankind, when the best of the best have shined so bright, and where the times have delivered so much inspiration for the betterment of all to be consumed by, that is how the successes of others naturally better all those around them, that’s a basic science, upon doing well everything feeling well around you, contributing to that wellness, via your presence, hardwork and effort (focus on self), and knowing that when you are not feeling well, that it should have nothing to do with anyone else, to fix yourself, and accept all feelings as a manifestation of your doing in life, mindful of the energy you put out into the world, the choices you make, become a product you can be proud of, live your life, absent minded any fears overhead, self-doubts, and misinterpretations about you, its not until youre up, that what has worked for you becomes of value to others trying to achieve the same, become a leader in terms of insights, and upon which things you have focused on in life to bring you to your moment, of peace or success, that is how one who is successful becomes interesting to speak to, asked questions about the inner workings of the decisions they have made in the past, as reflective of the success they have come to find in life, not all are so willing to share, their methodologies in life, coming to be, not all things built well, start off with a coherent understanding of larger principles backboning more solid systems of support in life, and if you decide to create something in support of others, then do so in an organized fashion, keeping track of your progress along the way, everything you’ve learned, everything you thought, everything that changed, everything that went wrong, everything you felt, everything that mattered, everything that scared you, everything you wondered about, everything you got turned off by, everything that hurt, everything you’ve seen, everything you remember, everything you loved, everything you watched, and everything you were influenced by. Just like we are to be discredited in life, by anyone or anything who has done a better job at self expression in a public arena, more professional, more palatable to the tastes of all, presentation wise, will always make the difference between those who get paid, and those who do not get paid for their work product, this is why people become professional, you can only have fun for so long doing what you love, while learning, before you decide, to apply for jobs, and take on more responsibilities in life, representing others, who are able to turn a profit, doing work for others, and because of their learned expertise, able to provide a service back to whomever pays for their services, be represented, and adequately assist them when it comes to a service they need in life, which they have chosen you to provide for them, assurances that you will be able to accomplish the task that has been given to you, in exchange for the payment provided to you, that’s being of service in a professional way, as documented by money. -Everyone is entitled to promoting whatever organizations they think are doing a good job of addressing the issues, specifically, but never was it my intent, to overpromote those interests, and be seen as a poor representative member to an organization that combats those types of acts and misuses of weaponry, make no promises you cant keep is a popular expression for those who disappoint or do not live up to expectation, all talk and no gusto, like blowing hot air, as though a fight is about to erupt, put down as someone partaking in a fight, to be known, or someone as attached, trying to do the right thing, and take the side, of everyone against gun violence, that was the right idea, everyone has dreams in life, no one ever claims to be the dream themselves to categorize everything said as important on a should be inspirational list of things to say during a time of need in remembrance of those who have passed, leave that up to the professionals, whos use of the English language most accurately reflects the issues facing us at the time, and doesn’t cause us pain to remember or think about, that would be reading into things too much, to assume someone who is taking a side different to the side they were on growing up, as though they were trying to look like a good person, no, only someone who is a good person, has the patience to help others, without being affected by what they are going through listen, and make people feel better, and speak until they reach a moment of clarity, and able to get off the phone, and confidently assist and manage the moods and thoughts of those in need, that was a task to which was recommended to me to take on get certified as a crisis hotline counselor, some of us have a nack for making people feel better about themselves or advising them of the right things to focus on, or say the right things to make better, any moment of fear or doubt, be directed toward the right resources in life for coping with their present disabilities in life, whether that be mental health issues, feeling victimized, scared, or all of the above helpless, or suicidal … I was privileged to be exposed to two ways of looking at life, from the inside of an attacked image defensive to all, from the standpoint of insecure, been around those over-confident and going in life busy, and from the standpoint of those responsible for providing services to those in need, and the time consuming process of logging, data entry, follow-up, filing, correspondence, writing, interviewing, and managing case loads. That’s just how I was raised professionally, to keep track of everything, and to take good notes, that doesn’t mean Im headed somewhere with that information, or have a specific direction in life, that is personally motivated, to bring about a different set of results others than the results I was trained to help provide for in life, -if you only know how to better others, why treat someone who others have benefited from, as though they are doing so, for notoriety, as though their purpose online, doesn’t serve a positive function, to all as a whole, be unaffected by, how things are done, why things are done, who is protected, why people are protected, and why someone was sued and excluded from receiving protections in life attacked for 5 years, that is beyond me, Im a shy person, Im not aggressive socially, I don’t hug, all men who have dated me approached me mostly, pursued me upon speaking with me, never someone who has been off putting, made others uncomfortable, been an embarrassment, or been inappropriate in any public setting, always in control of my emotions, express myself and my needs well, and never put up with other peoples attitudes in life, but usually attacked if Im never not strong, that’s just how life is, if you cant fix a problem, and you are not deemed a strong representative of others, able to withstand negative judgements in life, you will be treated harshly as not doing what you are supposed to do, if its not done well why failing, no I always do my best and sometimes my best is not good enough, I was raised never to complain, and never to play victim, however its only until you get sick and hospitalized over and over again, that you take a stand in life, and say to yourself, Im not going to put up with negative commentary, and speak.
We wont all be in the same places in life, and that’s to our benefit … sometimes the higher your climb the harder you fall, learn to live for the moment and to appreciate those you love for where theyre at in life, even if theyre flying at a higher altitude than you, as much as it pains you to fit into their world, Im sure it pains them to see someone with so much potential, not make it in life, given their story, not have been able to achieve in spite of what transpired in the past. You can keep going, and then you can keep going, and then you can keep going and be well known and become famous, there are several requirements in order to be treated with respect, I don’t think being approachable is a quality of strength, but only subjects you to harm, people taking your story and making it their own, that’s the price you pay for not being mainstream at the get go, others thinking to come up by putting you down in life, or treating you as a disappointment, as though you were supposed to rise to some occasion in life and shine, its not until you do shine, that the voices quiet, everyone trying to hold you down in life, everyone treating your interests as secondary to their own, and everyone misusing your kindness. You’ll never be important until you make yourself important, and if you are important, you wont be able to continue being a person of importance by doing nothing with your life, that’s not how one gets noticed or respected in society, simply because of who they are or because of who they were friends with. I have been blogging online for many years now off and on, in spite of my personal issues, have managed to continue writing, in private, and finally present myself in a professional way, by website, that took many years of hardwork, to be presentable and to be able to share in a way to which all can relate, offending no ones journey in life, and not making light of my own experiences, take seriously life, and who I choose to include in my life story. Im not just another story, and my experiences in life have been real, whether concluded to be a manifestation of some bipolar delusion in life, to me, all those feelings were real, and my experiences in life have been real. You are what you remember, you can either choose to bring out the best in everyone, or to share experiences in which you have struggled in life, and bring out your own pain and dissatisfactions in life, making it more difficult for others to connect with you on a one on one basis, the happier you are with yourself, the happier you will be. Look on the bright side, had you not written online, you would have not been able to meet people online and have conversations with people in private, who hold high positions in society as professionals, not worth a listen. That’s a good sign, afterall we are all only just human, shouldn’t we all feel special? When is it time to stop putting people down in life and treat them as though they are nobody, and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, its not for those reasons I chose to be important, to be of significance, or to be misused or responded to, as though I am opening a can of worms in history, or presently, others know little or nothing about, mental health issues associated with being a victim of homicide, and love and trust issues, intimidation, shyness, and difficulty feeling confident around others, that I’ll never understand about myself, just learn to be nice to people no matter what their disposition is, and never put someone down in life, who has lived a difficult life psychologically as they are always doing their best to blend in and get along well with others, should never be defamed. Once you close up in life, its hard to open back up, that’s the main lesson, you can only handle so much heartbreak in life, before you yourself become broken, that’s a feeling that is really hard to fix, being in pain, suffering from mental health issues, and trying to live a normal life, irrespective of what others think, no I don’t think hitting my head is the correct response to hearing voices, or being intimidated by others, and no I don’t think that their needs are more important than my own, I have done no harm writing online, worse than what was done to my image, if anything I am trying to better myself by writing online, and hopefully to the benefit of all, that’s not a selfish endeavor, that’s making sure others likewise are not subjected to the same harsh scrutiny I was subjected to in life, made suicidal bc one person did not accept me into their life, everyone else I have gotten along with and upon knowing me, loved me anyways. As a result everyone turned on me and ridiculed me, that was a first, it because I grew up at OJ’s house, best friends with Sydney Simpson, then treated like I was coming up to be famous.
As you get older, you may recall your younger years, when you were more at ease, more social, had more free time, watched more TV, made mixes, spent time at the gym in cardio classes, played on sports teams, went to bars, dated, experienced life, and then you settle down and mature, pick a 9 to 5, and that’s all you do, wake up work sleep work, and that’s your life. If your only free days are the weekends, to run errands, and to get things done, well you know you’ve made it in life, in the workforce, and someone who can be relied upon in life, not all are privileged to have that kind of stability and lifestyle, many of us working our own hours in part-time jobs, internships, or working from home, still trying to make in life, or finish our schooling to stand out more as an applicant, having finished an extra degree to boost our resume. What is success? Depending upon how fulfilled you feel in life, will options be made available to you, afterall its those who feel good about themselves that attract the most into their lives, if you know youre an asset, and you have worked hard to create a life for yourself that youre proud of, then there should be no reason to quit, upon failure, rejections, breakups, or losses, eventually we all have to keep going in life, its not that we don’t care, but sometimes there are ways to care, beyond rehashing the same subjects that have caused us emotional turmoil previously in life, in those cases therapy is your best option, to talk about the past, otherwise, everyone is generally expected to be present, keeping conversations light, no one really wants to get into depth with anyone about their personal lives, or sufferings past, don’t we all have a hard time living life, don’t we all struggle, don’t we all have to think hard about life, don’t we all wonder how things are made, or what makes money, if youre into business etiquettes, then that may be something that interests you, why and how, someone is able to establish a company, a brand, a business, get popular, be well known, respected, and returned to for inputs, its all about following your dreams in life. If its something you believe in and think will do everyone a service to make yourself available to others, then subject yourself to that turnover in life, of interpretations, whether or not that subjects you to further criticisms, do your best. Its not a perfect road (meaning there is no one right way about thinking about life or ways to find purpose in life, carve your own path in life), to developing any set of ideas, or foundations, from which to base your understandings and awareness of the risks posed by any present chaos, and be stable in spite of whats going on in the world, not be affected, that’s hard to do, always be patient. It takes many years of working on a project in order for those ideas to come to fruition, and to create a finished product that you are proud of and that represents you and others well, that’s being professional, not personalizing everything to be about you, or about people from your lives, and having a bigger purpose in life, besides your own personal issues, shed light on. We used to think that activists ("Activism" definition: the policy or action of using vigorous campaigning to bring about political or social change)  were, really emotional people, caring about things most dont care about, in need of support from others, who have a big voice, for the purposes of educating others on what the issues are, that’s activism, its not a natural trait, its done by those who have time to think about life, and in thinking about life, want to make a difference and spread the word to others, so that they can be in the know too, about whats at stake or what matters right now, some of us are so busy with our own lives, that we wouldn’t know what to do or what to care about or who to support, had we not been made aware of what needs work, that’s when caring stops, not to the extent that it interferes with your daily focus on your own life, separate from whats bothering you or by what needs work, its hard to keep your mind off anything for long, if more work needs to be done, to further those groups interests, we are not all cut out for the task of getting involved in all matters, but I do know one thing, once you get started caring, youre in it for life, something you will always go back to, support, and participate in ensuring that those community needs are met, and that services are provided to those in need, during times of need, that address those needs, without outright stating exactly whats at issue, especially if there is something wrong with you or someone you know and you dont know why there is something wrong with you or someone you know, it could be for different reasons, made sick, overwhelmed, we all get confused sometimes the worst is when people think one is too late.
Some experiences change us for the better and some experiences in life change us for the worst, as connected we don’t always achieve a better condition, or get the results we want, feelings wise -it can feel like occurring at your expense you allow people into your life, who don’t necessarily balance you out, or curb that tendency to wander away … when in love, the coolest thing, is bringing yourself back to that place, of being at ease, or by having fun with someone you care about, make things less painful, when in love you are constantly reminded that its not just you who goes through life, but they have gone through life too without knowing you, that’s the beauty of meeting people, seeing what they were like before they met you, and hope that while knowing you, they don’t lose that genuine interest in themselves and their cares, and who and what matters to them, become dedicated in anyway to your interests, that would feel like a risky investment, to persuade anyone of your condition needing extra attentions, and then not feeling good when attentions are paid, that’s an awful way to give back to someone you love, express whats painful to understand, or where you ran into trouble in life, remember to think positively about yourself, what is it that you have to offer, a skill, a talent, a project, something special about you, your interests your hobbies, your dreams your passions, share positive things about yourself, that demonstrate that you are capable of being a happy person, if provided with the appropriate outlets to share in that manner, with whomever cares, we don’t all get to be in love, but that’s the most beautiful thing about love, is the space that it creates between two people, where they can be themselves, and with compassion and understanding, get eachother out of harms way, like closing down ocean ave, and putting signs on every pole “no parking” its too dangerous for him to be at the park, romantic, I think that was him, if so worried me …. Whenever you meet someone new, you do your best to connect, and if you cant connect take space, that’s normal, when meeting anyone new, you either connect off the bat from the get go and carry on in sync, and when one fails to contribute positively to ongoing rapport, and subjects another to fears about interpretations, do your best to fix it, without worrying them too, sometimes we see things, others do not, but that doesn’t mean point out everything to them at once, that may be too overwhelming for someone who works, freely, to suddenly be given input about anothers method for staying balanced, I think at this point in time we all keep the same things in mind: the past, the future, and whats going on right now, its hard to keep track of all the changes we have endured, some more meaningful than others, and for the most part I think we should all credit ourselves for contributing positively online in ways, that reflect those current cares, whether or not the past did a good job of informing us of the risks associated with bonding too many to one, because if one is defective, then one cannot be imitated and make others feel good, as impressed upon, that’s why some people match, and some people don’t, and why some get re-categorized as different, so that they cannot multiply spiritually, thought wise, or professionally be granted permissions to care for others in life, a lot of life is about who you meet in life, not all will have an influence on you, which is why many people have been raised to think for themselves and appear to think they are better than others, that’s simply so they do not easily become influenced or take a back seat to anyone elses needs in life, be led astray, or get intimidated or feel smaller than others in life … in fact a well adjusted person (in my opinion) is someone who can talk to anyone, gets along with everyone, and comfortable with themselves no matter where they go, that’s being a mature adult, being able to adapt, and if you cant figure out what insecurities are keeping you from interacting with others in way that you can speak positively of yourself, and don’t feel bad about yourself in front of others, constantly warning them of your deficiencies in life, or struggles, or explain yourself too much, seem like a handful, or someone who is gone, and too far from repairing themselves enough to bond with just one. -As you get older it becomes more difficult to date, used to being alone, having been hurt or left behind, in non-monogamous relationships, get hurt. When hurt it becomes more difficult to give yourself freely to others, whether it be by text or messenger, disengaged, and if upon opening up you get rejected, well thats the price you pay for waiting too long to date, and subjecting yourself to rejections in life, upon seldom opening up to others. Dont forget to be yourself, and leave the past behind you, the more you bring up, what you have been through and what didnt work out and why, the more you enable that harm to re-occur for you in your life, empowering instead those who have left you or moved on, who you are no longer in contact with on a one-on-one basis, and no longer attached to mentally or physically, if you bring it up, it will affect you, and if it affects you, it will affect your new partner, who just wants to start over new with you too and enjoy the moment getting to know eachother, without letting the past dictate for how long, or over what, have any rapport be interfered with by those from your past, thats loving freely, being given opportunities to date again, with the courts permission, allowed to date, and move forward in life. Never have I ever spoken badly about anyone I have hooked up with in the past, nor have I wrongfully accused them of hurting me (other than my image) or causing me mental health issues, my issues stem from my experience applying to law school and what informations I was exposed to prior to entering law school, sometimes when focused, we get hurt, from the moment you become a professional and accepted to law school (or a new job) is the "moment your reputation starts" or so I was told by a law school professor.
This could be the worst case, of coming forward in American History, where by the time one, shares, their lives have already been ruined, and nothing forgotten. It seems that unless you are professional from the start, while, and over the course of your discoveries in life remain professional, will you be considered a trusted opinion worth a read, or written off as someone disliked for good reason, by a few, so by the time you share your story, nothing is believed, and everything discounted, as delayed purposefully for shock value, I don’t think anyone ever intends to wind up worse off in life, its kind of hard to connect with others, when there is any disagreement about you, or behind the scenes consensus opinion of you given your private communications with other, appear to be something you are not. When you lose your right to privacy, your life changes forever, whenever information known only to you, becomes made public, that’s for the purpose of injuring your good character or credibility in life. I never argued that anyone was so important that their story needs to be told, or that the sharing of a story had the potential to also support the causes for which a story was believed to be told, it was a simple quotes campaign, not about me, and general insights, not specific references to my upbringing or personal life story, add fuel to any fires in life, or disrupt the course of discussion in regards to the issues that were most important at any given time, we all move forward in life, and given our experiences in life (professional) are able to help others, not because of where we come from, but because of the years we spent doing good in the world, by our education and work experiences, being online does not have the same affect on others, nor do you bear the same professional esteems you would ordinarily achieve working for others, under the direction of others, you cant just leave a career and apply those skills to an open arena such as online, I never expected to be pried into, but I guess that’s just a fact of life, what is put online gets read into for negatives, how to discredit sources, and hurt the importance of their understandings, and in addition, now realize, that if there are differences toward me, that can affect peoples overall belief in the possibility for change to occur, and for the right help to arrive consistent with whats bothering everyone, if not my cares, their cares about the world, which they do not think are accurately represented by what I have to say, nor wish for me to represent their beliefs, as affected by my personal troubles, affecting my professional abilites, and ability to move on, date, marry, and lead a normal life, that may never happen for me now. You are only as well as you stay well and all relationships, hinge on one thing, comfort, its something you provide to others, during a time of need, and able to provide with confidence, advices, or share inputs that make them feel better, and when they feel better, want to be around you, thats a prerequisite for romantic attachments, that one is able to better the other, its for those reasons that people date, because they compliment eachother, learn from one another, and grow together not apart. Don’t abandon all ideals in life, in place of your whims and dreams, to get anywhere in life, you have to be proud of yourself, inspired and motivated, and driven, stable, consistent, and professional, with the right attitude in life anything is possible. And even when your defenses are down, and you have shared moments of joy with companions you meet in life, be sure not to be too hard on yourself, we are all new to imaginary friends and connections, its never real until you prove yourself worthy of being referenced by people of higher standing than you, otherwise don’t even mention it, you don’t need to share what you think as to who you might have influenced, and suck the wind out of the sails of those just trying to move on, with or without you in their lives, everyone interprets traumas differently, and for different causes or reasons, think people get thrown under the limelight, for the purposes of tearing them apart, that would describe someone guilty of a crime, or someone for some other reprehensible action, treated poorly as deserved, on behalf of anyone they feel was victim to their outputs in life, not everything done in love ends well, including business ventures, friendships, or in group setting such as therapy respect, how quickly all is lost, when you seek more than is necessary to get well, how you get judged in the negative, if friendship or love is needed by you -they wonder why, why one cannot be professional and maintain a steady opinion and work, without those things in life, which is why I chose not to date and not to have friends, while finishing my masters, theres nothing wrong with that, that’s just limiting inputs, and influences in life at the moment, so that I can write free, of being accused of throwing anyone in the limelight as they thought was done to me, and be critically looked upon in the same way I was hurt by interpretations, no … its not the same for everyone, different things are expected of people, and as a law student, a different set of standards were expected of me dating wise, to not date, to settle down, or to wait, which is what I have done, and for all the moments I chose to date, I am sorry, its not for those failed relationships that I decided to write online, never when focusing on heartbreak or losses can one function without being traumatized, therefore if Im doing well that reflects positively on me as well as all connections past, if I begin to not do well, then that reflects poorly of me, and thus can have a negative impact on who cared about me, to see me not doing well no matter how hard I try in life, that’s just something Ive been thinking about. Embarrassment and love.
March tides and spotlights grew
And never stopped thinking of you
Follow your heart, and find what youre looking for
If its not love, then sing your heart out
So loud a trolly gone, so hard, my rhinestones fell
You cant go back not even from that, so why not a song
And as we put our glasses on, we sat and thank
In taverns, and green rooms, and even on shark islands
What to do what to do, when no one knows you
I pitched tree fruit at a tree, with a photo of my face taped up
Why couldn’t it be this why, why did it end that way
And so I drank, whiskey, and moonlight, and my glasses fell
To the bottom of the pool, and then I jumped in
If you cant make it there, you wont make it there
And if you cant be here, then don’t go there
Live life, whether together even or apart
Youll be thankful to never stop and sink to the bottom
Before your story unfolds, don’t be afraid to sing
The loudest tune, to all you know, and be true
How many may agree, and find simplicity among they
Who understand your voice, not alone afterall
Maybe it was he, or maybe it was he, or maybe it was she
No one knows, how these things have come to be
And whats done in company is never forgotten
Whats done alone, is never remembered but for reminders
Directions to self, where to start and where to begin
A home office dream for me not them
And then we met, broken, bought, everything but hot to trot
A year later couldnt even choreograph an ending to that
Smile and be positive, is what we need, recommended
A birth certificate handed, and attorney retained
From another case, not forgotten, why a mini mouse appeared
Can we just stand, no, can we just march, no, can we write, only in 5 years
Why is that, why is this, what was that, why is this, why now
And then I sang star bangled and the pledge, has not been forgotten
The only three prayers I know, raised well, not spoiled rotten
And when the stories collide, an image never forgotten
The times spent in disarray, the size that never seemed to budge
And the pounds that got lost, never seemed to shine
Only two photographs taken a flip phone and punishment
Photographs taken, upon request, commissioned, for him not they
And what has been forsaken, all energies spent, and troubled
Like poison, and collar broken, a 5th grade tire swing sang
For attentions broken, not for pain, and not for this broken
Whos losses add, another image torn
Like crowns and steeples and flying buttresses to a tshirt
One from a bar, a high school French drink with a bottom
Dedicated to: Joaquin Phoenix, my current pen pal, love, and crush admired. <3
Being fearless means facing your fears. One of my biggest fears growing up was the dark, I have always slept with a night light on, since living alone, that’s just me, or lived in an extra locked or gated complex, that’s just growing up at OJ’s house, with three night watchmen, we grew up on compounds as children, my Father owned two homes next door to eachother, and Sydney lived on another acre lot 2 blocks away, we grew up sheltered in that respect, gifted by education, and also by the houses we grew up in, made to feel special in life. That’s just childhood, you don’t understand how hard your parents work to provide you with that kind of lifestyle, until you get older, and as your parents get older, realize that you will not be able to provide the same for yourselves, not able to keep up with finances, or earn enough to reach that type of lifestyle as an adult, on your own, careers start in your 20s not your 30s, and that’s just something I will have to live with, being put on meds, and underperforming in life, behind. -What is being bold? In spite of your shortcomings, still decide to pursue, a career least taken writing, as that is your strength, and upon becoming well known as a writer of quotes, start long hand writing your thoughts out in detail, minus the blurbs and anecdotal motivational sayings you believe will help people get going or keep going in life, you can do your best and still not be good enough, life is fragile, and every moment counts, it only takes a little bit each day, of consistent effort, toward achieving in life, focused on what youre good at, perfecting what youre good at, to become an expert at anything in life, just start somewhere. It was a pretty bold move to become a blogger, my Brother had tried blogging in NY, and shared his blog with our family and his friends, he was probably in between jobs, fixing his career to become a Doctor one day, he was a Business Student at Babson. The only time I have ever driven stick shift was in Boston, as directed by my Brother, and then in Brentwood once, even managed to stay steady up a hill and stop at the red light, without rolling backwards, and keep driving. What is key is maintaining a positive attitude in life, although not everything will work out for you in life, there is always time to better yourself, and make better choices for yourself, to open up new opportunities for you in life, but you have to let the past go, no ifs and or buts about it, if you want to have a better relationship, in the future, then you have to let go of what went wrong previously, and not relive the same mistakes over again, as described, live up to negative expectations of you, otherwise you’ll never arrive to a more well state of being, even after everyone has jumped on board back in contact with you, as fair weather friends do, except the only problem is that youre still not present feeling better, that’s something I just learned. Even if you begin to achieve again in life, move forward, and function better among, and even manage to look professional in a new arena where expertise has yet been established such as in “blogging” you yourself have to be happy with where you are unreminded of the past, the sooner you let go, the better off youll be, the more you remind yourself of the past, the more difficult it becomes to move forward, these are painful subjects: heartache, loss, and breakups, not all of which affect everyone the same, depending on what your childhood looked like, some things don’t hit you hard until later in life, the times you missed out on moments with friends, the times you missed out on years bonding with family, and the time you spent alone, trying to build a career for yourself that never happened, whether that be focusing on your studies “head in the books” or trying to get married, and walking away from an otherwise perfectly peaceful life, these are choices you make, and you have to live with that, no one can change your outlook for you. Whats most important is that you look back on your life, eventually and say, you know what Ive done a good job, and despite any setbacks and heartbreaks, I was strong and kept going in life, no matter how embarrassed you become, no matter how much pain you suffer, no matter how difficult it feels in the moment, you kept going, that’s defying expectation of you, someone who lost faith in themselves, but never in others, and when that faith gets restored back to you, by doing the right things in life, that is the moment you will feel blessed, knowing you did a good job, that’s karma, allowing yourself to heal, allowing others to heal, and minding your own business in life, we all lead separate lives, the more you make things about you, the more things become about you, that’s the main lesson, less is more, and if you wish to comment on current controversies, do so, by demonstrating kindness, not resentment toward anyone you feel has contributed to anyones current condition, we used to be a very competitive society, putting one another down, in order to keep the well well, I don’t think that is any longer the case, worries over image, now its about your health, going for as long as you can stay well, and backing off the minute you feel sick, that’s being human knowing your limits in life, you can only handle so many losses in life, before you yourself become sick, but don’t be so quick to jump into the pit of “impending doom” you’ll regret it later in life, all the moments you quit, and gave up on yourself, and all the opportunities lost at your top in life.
There will be moments in your life, when you will feel heavily impressed upon, that is to mold you, correct you, empower you, guide you, fix you, negate poor thinking, hopefully never in ways, for which you will fall astray in life, be short handed, misunderstood, or deemed not unique, or judged as imitation of someone else or something else, beyond your understanding of how and why you have come to be, maybe not all will be accepting of you, but that doesn’t mean, you are to blame for any reasons that may cause others to dislike you, if not stated, or if seen, discredit you, as simply a product of your upbringing and environment, things you’ve not had a choice with, to say you are only unique in so far as others like you, were made to feel special, and that upon disconnecting, was a result of you not measuring up to the best interests of all, or a poor example generated from your cohort, a let down. We are not all given crowns in life, some have to make crowns for ourselves, not everyone who is important is given media attention, on the news, interviewed professionally, or made famous, that’s not what I meant by the top, it simply meant, rising above, the negative judgments of anyone who did not find you intelligent, attractive, special, important, or worth any positive inputs, to quell their doubts or fears about the past, that’s just not taking someones condition seriously, and thinking that they did that to themselves, write them off as an addict of alcoholic, and not be understanding of how and why that condition was caused, and for what reasons, sudden disrespect followed among those who know them in life. That’s not being aware of an outside perspective to matters directly involving you, not all are aware of the bigger picture, to which you have not professionally established yourself a figure within. Who is best situated in life, someone directly involved, someone knowing someone directly involved, someone being on the inside, or someone on the outside, to all matters, only affected as in knowing figures directly involved or inside any equations in life. -I only know that now, I have not benefited from speaking online, only in so far, as having accomplished a professional written body of work, that represents me well, and does a positive service to me in the future if I plan to write a book, having earned likes now, to reassure me, that my work will be well received if written, no matter how successful book writing may be for me, maybe not the next Harry Potter, Davinci Code, or Power of Now, but nonetheless hopefully influential to the lives of those who have read my work, help them. It seems that your audience only feels as well as you feel or are doing, and unless you can write in a way, that accurately reflects that ability, to compose, work, which upon being processed, benefits whomever is consuming your work, means more work needs to be done on your end, not to say things in a way, that would otherwise worry, or cause unnecessary hardship to anyone reading, not understand, get confused, feel gone, or get a headache, trying to understand any concepts yourve presented, is there ever a point when everything you write makes sense? Only so far as one is understood, maybe then and only then, can anything be said, with a grain of salt, not misread or misunderstood to have been written to portray anyone or anything in the negative, including oneself. Writing is not easy, you have to constantly revise and come up with something to talk about each day, as you become more and more aware of whats at stake, what are pressing issues, and without thinking too much of what has passed, respond, and always in a timely manner, share your thoughts about, I think that has been one of my strengths, not to dodge issues, but speak to issues with hope that I can say things in a way that will help others to process better their feelings about recent times, and losses. -What causes giving up? Im not sure, maybe when there is disagreement, failure to view themselves or others in the positive, feeling that there has been a mistake past that cannot be fixed, living with regrets, having remorse for resentment stated out loud, feeling betrayed, feeling like nothing will change, illness, changes in luck you feel dismembered by or less capable because of, too much wonder, lack of faith, instability or unhappiness with oneself, thinking someone who is good was actually a bad person, or coming to know someone and then learning about them through others get turned off by them, thinking that they are trying to be something they are not, or better than they are, smarter than they are, and are really something they are not, not smart or not pretty, or not achieved, or not deserving of being known, or well liked, that would be the side who thinks everything done to you, was done to them, not done to you in the negative, and that everything done to them, if because of you, makes them the victim and not you, that’s obviously a repercussion of dating, whoever is more well known, now, is seem as the one responsible for handling things professionally, and not have any of the interactions or connections in life, be affected by their present decision making abilities, or by how they present themselves online, become worse off, by any of their expressions online, whether in reflection of their past, or while speaking hypothetically about life, as they understand it, I think people who know you, read, like they have some kind of a personal stake in the matter, with intensity read, with expectation that something will be said or situations described, to make them look bad, to make one look better than them, that would not bring anyone peace, not me, nor my audience, to hear about any disagreements, and as a result be forced to take sides.
Sometimes no response is best, without expertise, knowledge of specific incidences past, will encourage or discourage you from speaking, we don’t all have a fine tuned understanding of the consequences for our beliefs always, and sometimes we will be unwilling to accept the defenses of those past, who felt it necessary to cause others to disregard their voice. Under the totality of the circumstances, we need not take personally, any associations past, which may or may not have caused others to think it fair game to provoke you, then without remorse, watch you suffer, as though for the wrong reasons you have achieved in life, granted acceptances, or been admired, loved, friended, or made popular in an online space, we don’t all come up at once, and for different reasons, people sore to the top, or don’t make it at all, that just means that there is a different path in life for you to take, we don’t all know what will become of us, but eventually, if you keep at something in life long enough, you will figure out how to become successful, sometimes all it takes is a little experience, such as public speaking, and writing online or to the public, in a book form. Like all professions, the more experience you have the better at performing you get, and like writing, the more you write, in private, academically, and for professional use at work, the more confident one would feel to write online to all. That’s not a natural way of achieving confidence in life, its a learned trait, meaning its not the first time you have ever tried something, and not the first time you have been presented with issues or setbacks to which you were not able to overcome on your own, that can be considered a positive trait, knowing how to overcome failure, or having been at rock bottom before, continuing to have faith in yourself, understanding that later on, even if you are not met with respect, understand its because they did not respect you in the first place, or thought you had it so made in life, or had messed up so bad in life, that they never expected you to do better later in life anyways, just let people think they are better than you, but the reason why they tell you to “prove them wrong” is so that you don’t continue to feed into negativity, nor respond to it, so that it does not affect your direction in life, so you don’t end up places you don’t belong, or be judged poorly, by people you will meet in the future, who have no knowledge of your past, in those cases letting anyone win, would hurt you presently, as you are trying to fix your life. Always keep in mind that not everything is about you, and while others may think it funny to hurt you, by title, name, company strategy, reference, or man built inference to any truths they think necessary to illustrate to dictate the ways in which people are noticed, respected, or valued, that’s because they believe you to be something beneathe them, and choose to reinforce that viewpoint of you, as a reminder to you of what is known about you, and for those reasons, rationalize why further disrespect of you should be had, given their understandings of you, usually by people who you do not know, outsiders to a puzzle, a story, specific people, whos lives don’t immediately affect nor impact them in a way negative to their best interests, think its okay to shed light on characters before they become known professionally, as an underground attempt to gear respects, that’s not how respect happens, by putting anyone down in life present or past, or claim victim to them, as justification for putting them down now. -Who you are online matters, and your finished product, should always be a solid representation of who you are now, without interference from the past, its usually those who write held down by things in life, become a heavy opinion or side to understand process, and thus a turn off, not because of what they have to say, but because of how things are said, and how things feel, how things are understood, and how things are compartmentalized, when applied, to other memorable timelines, choose to ignore any present progress, with their already pre-made ideologies, prepared for a negative inference to be drawn about another. That’s a gamble someone takes with their identity, to make things about people, places or things, they think based upon their observations, are not going to make it in life, professionally, who they do not think should be known or respected, or viewed as on the team “saving lives” or a “hero” in any respect, with regard to their friendships past, not taking into consideration all the people they have helped in their life, during their professional career working for the government, and think that its okay to expose truths about them, as though they would ever hurt the ability of others to be well adjusted and make it in life, upon knowing them.
Never underestimate the courage of someone who speaks, and put them down as thinking they are more important than they are, we make ourselves important in life, whether or not it is our duty to put ourselves out there, everyone has a story of their own, some more inspiring than others, who is anyone to judge one for their life experiences. Sometimes I think that people who think they know you simply because they have read about you … people who know you generally respect you and are proud of you, its those you meet later in life, for some reason need to prove yourself too, why is that. Everyone has their own lives, and sometimes in meeting others, we fall short on the mark of what is considered special or worthy of being treated as special, if they think that you think you are special, by the type of confidence you exude, don’t be surprised to be put down in life by them, usually those who want to be admired, but do not admire back, want attentions for themselves, but less willing to give the same love and attention back to whomever they seek attentions from. Life is a game in that way, people wanting to be liked, and once they feel that you are at their beck and call, become despondent to you, however its only until you leave that they get upset, all of a sudden needing you suddenly, but not during the course of a relationship. Im not sure what that is about, why in order to be well liked do you have to try so hard, what is all that about, what happened to the days, when we were just nice to eachother, nice to new people, nice to friends, since when did all the hierarchical push and shove take hold of our better judgments toward one another, if there was no code of ethics to begin with when it comes to reality and pop culture themes, then why was it not okay to join in on the banter, and start sharing online, since when is it not okay to contribute to everyones creative energies online, if its not about you, its not about you, who ever said that only those working in entertainment professions are privileged to contribute creatively to all writing endeavors, that never made sense to me. I think its important to share unique facts about yourself but to leave it at that, sometimes the more you share about yourself, an unwanted bond can occur, with members of your audience, who on a personal level try to control your output, sending you voices, making fun of you, or putting you down, because they have decided to take on the shoes of someone from your past who as mentioned you did not get along with, like your Brother, Ex-Bosses who have let you go, or even Boyfriends, when relationships have not worked out. Im the type of person, that when upset, am always forced to see the bigger picture, no one taking me seriously, even laughing in my face, without respect for my paranoia, or fears, lack of confidence, no one can reinforce that sense of self being centered when not overachieving, and not meeting the mark, only you can fix that deficit, by focusing on your strengths, and minimizing, the risk for losing focus, to bettering anyone elses needs in life, sometimes its okay to be selfish, and to focus on yourself, that’s not being selfish in a way, that anyone should be offended by, an unwillingness to succumb to peer pressures, or romantic pressures in life, be fixated on someone elses needs instead of your own, if you were able to be independent once, there is no reason why you cannot be independent again, if we cant manage ourselves well, then that’s a problem, how will you be able to manage anothers moods, if you yourself are not grounded, a rock, that’s the main point. What is attractive about someone who is not well? Nothing. And what is so attractive about someone who is strong and independent? That they do not need people to make them feel good, and do not require reassurances in life, babying, to feel better, that’s what being strong is all about, not marching, not correcting people, not rising above, not allowing others to belittle you, not being stupid, being smart, and not needing sex or a man or a woman, to feel beautiful, able to achieve that feeling on your own, without help from anyone. I mean how independent do you need to be in life, just don’t be extreme about it, I think that is where I failed socially, keeping to myself for many years, while finishing law school, don’t ever completely let go, of your social responsibilities in life to keep in touch with friends, and maintain friendships over the years and maintain positive rapport, Im lucky enough that when I am doing well my friends reply, and willing to catch up with me, even though they have moved on in life, and have lives of their own, trading in a quiet life with best friends I have known my whole life, for a life online, writing in public, only a few people knew me really well, now everyone knows me, that was a huge change in my life. Why did I have such a big response to my initial quotes campaign 2016 (90k+ followers on Facebook) because I shared meaningful insights on nicely prepared squares from an app, that made sense to a lot of people, I think it was just that, being someone who makes sense, there were only a few quotes on cards on Google at the time I got started, now we have many printed quotes on Pinterest, not being an avid free reader, obviously it made sense to me, to begin highlighting the most important deductions that come from a lot of writing, where quotes come from, a summary of what is essential in any body of work, it takes time, to think of ways to say something, applicable to the times, which can help others put into gear, in their own lives, make sense of whats occurring for them emotionally, mental health wise, that’s why I stuck out, and was nominated for a Shorty Award, and because I chose to dedicate my writings at the time, to a cause that mattered to me personally, not because of whom Im attached to in life, but it all worked out in the end, picking a team, that was not an easy campaign, building a website, and reporting to the courts and everyone in private as I made progress, it takes a long time, to figure out the right words to say. I never pictured myself as an op ed, or someone who is writing to political matters or world issues, or responding directly to news stories, but those issues have influenced me some what, in terms of being cognizant of everyones best interests, not just my own attachments, make sure, that I am never respresenting who has influenced me in life, in a way that would turn others off, not all will agree with you or like you, if they think that who you like matters to them, on some basis people are outright rejected, I don’t think I am someone deserving of that kind of treatment politically, I do not make any money, therefore should not be officially rejected as someone given powers, by others, I had to empower myself for myself on my own, no one gave me directions about how to write, or what to write about, or how to share my story in a way, to justify why I decided to share, and then that’s how people work with you.
Along the way, you’ll be given many advices, and criticisms, while finding yourself. That’s a normal part of life, a natural reaction toward anyone, who they do not believe to be at their best, advised, never take any feedback personally, they’re only trying to help. Never veer too far of course, in life, you’ll regret it later, and if you do decide to take a risk in life, make sure youre hearts in it, like blogging. If you could’ve been so many other things in life, but chose to blog, well that was your choice, most people take jobs, not try to make a job for themselves, and figure out how to get paid later, thats the risk you take with starting your own business, or dedicating time to learning a new trade or profession, not all will find success. Always follow your heart, and let the best shine, and even when youre not at your best, do your best to better yourself each day, and remind yourself that you are only human. There will be moments when you will push yourself to extremes, hoping that that will produce the change in you, that will turn your life around, but it doesn’t always happen that way. Even at your best, you can still fail, if youre not focused on the right things in life, you will find your match one day, just be patient. Those who can appreciate you in the moment, value you, believe in you, and proud of you, are the types of people you should keep in your life. Going to law school is no easy task, you have to do really well in college, test well, and perform while youre there keep your grades up so that you can finish and graduate, it has not been easy to say the least to finish law school. -All in all, Ive learned a lot during my time as a blogger, to never give up, no matter what comes to mind, and to never feel too overwhelmed, or under pressure in life, there is always a way out. It may feel impossible at times, but so long as you keep going in life, anything can happen.
The soul searching process is simply, generating a series of deep thoughts, about life, your existence, identifying your purpose in life, and feeling grounded in the moment, able to move forward and achieve whatever you set your mind to, just like today, Im going to run to the fence and back a 2.5 hours run (on abilify), that sets your heart free. Often times, when we are feeling lost, and withdrawn, we do our best to find ways to open ourselves up again, joining clubs, attending aa meetings, going to therapy, hanging out with friends, ever have those moments, when someone is staring at you, and you feel like your stuck in your shell, hard to get through to, it happens, be patient with yourself. We don’t all get our wings at once. When your guard is up, have some self-awareness, about how you react and interact with others, and be sure to not disrupt the flow of energy in a room, filling it up that space with your problems, and bring everyone down with you, that would destroying a moment of peace, in place of your energy, make chaotic, anyones ability to feel close to you, and instead feel withdrawn, not all hyper moments are smart moments, be mindful, sometimes in the zest of self discovery, we feel so motivated that we want to motivate others, inspired to make a difference, that occurs on a one on one basis, or job by job basis, not by putting yourself online, and trying to inspire a large number of people getting likes, you have to be a solid person, before you attract that type of audience, and able to maintain solid ground, when you are being watched, the reverse actually happens when you put yourself on stage, all that energy and gusto you felt inside, that brought you to the point of shining in front of others, actually gets displaced once shared, and fades away, because something you knew about yourself, now known to all, despecializes you, and requires you to keep improving, keep producing, and then go on performing in front of a larger audience, with the same energy and esteem as you had before you were known, seems like you would feel better once recognized, but that isn’t automatic, not if you don’t take good care of yourself, Im not sure what that was, becoming popular on Alexa ranked 34,000, then suddenly depressed feeling like giving up, it must be just not feeling good about myself. -What is it that you want in life? And why are you doing what you are doing? Because if you aren’t feeling good doing what you are doing, then there must be something defective about the principles from which you were so grounded to begin speaking in the first place, if not, its still okay to refine your general purpose for feeling motivated, and fine tune your goals, as you make progress while discovering any career path for yourself in life, because if youre not stable, and able to function daily, drained, then maybe its you that needs to feel empowered, and not give all your energy away trying to help others, remember to be strong on the inside, the stronger your core is physically and mentally, the better able you are to withstand criticisms, and doubts concerning what matters to you and why, and not feel so offended, by anyone who misuses your niceties, sharing online, as a victim of crime, and treats you as though you are looking for attentions in life on the sole basis of a childhood experience, is wrong.
 Amazon Book Writing Inc. (Book #1)
 Keidi Keating (Book #2) (1/2)
 Torah Bontrager (Blog Advice)