Sometimes its cute to play stupid, when you like someone, while flirting with them, just to hear them talk and ask them questions … and then there are moments when you have to play smart, and when playing stupid only does you a disservice in life. At work you are expected to be smart, and if you don’t know how to do something expected to ask questions, never doing anything willingly not in the know, that usually makes you look stupid, and upsets your boss. Be kind to others, without expectation of them knowing you well, that’s being nice, not playing stupid. Playing stupid, is more along the lines of not wanting to get involved, and in order to not state ones own opinion or involve oneself, plays like a fly on the wall to any situation, where others may passionately and vehemently be aggravated by. There are times when you need to talk and there are times when youre talking can actually bother the person who is speaking, who may just want you to listen, that’s not playing stupid to not reply, that’s being smart. Just know your limits, there is so much quiet satisfaction that occurs, that no one likes to admit to, when someone else other than you is being screamed at, and where you think you would have handled things better or differently, hearing the two argue, and one stammers away upset. That’s not being stupid, that feeling you get inside, feeling good its not you, and instead of you someone else is being reprimanded, that’s just a stupid feeling we all get that’s wrong, not right. So be mindful, I think that’s the common theme here, some days we may be feeling smart, and some days we may be feeling stupid, and silly, but all days we should be mindful of whats to come, that’s being smart, anticipating the reactions of others, and be wary of the responses we may receive given our actions or words, that’s thinking ahead of the game.
Its okay to be a free spirit, but not at your own expense, wander too far from the norm. That includes the conversations you hold, and the time and attention you pay to each person in your life, and every new person who comes along. Its easy to get hyper, and be super talkative, there is a lot of excitement when it comes to getting to know someone new, but never at your own expense open up too much to any one person, especially if you don’t know them in real life, or if your not close to them in real life, it can be really tiresome, trying to repair, broken or old friendships in real life, when you are paying too much attention to unimportant and new people in your life, who may or may not be so deserving of all your time and attention. As you go up in life, socially, and professionally, you will find yourself becoming more or less social in the process of finding yourself, and if that speed requires more focus on yourself, than so be it, but don’t lose your social skills, they are so important to working in any field, basic conversational skills, whats appropriate to say, what not to say, what to talk about, all of these things matter in the grand scheme of things, when it comes to being comfortable with yourself, and comfortable around others. Its easy for people to become easily offended, when they don’t feel like they are getting your undivided time and attention, eye contact, and full comprehension, of their time and attention paid in return to you, be mindful. People have jobs, careers, families, duties, and responsibilities, beyond you and your problems and or issues, you feel like opening up about and getting help with, its not everyones job to help you in life. This is maybe why I blog, because I could not find the right people to speak to about my problems, and because I had so much to share, about my thoughts about life, is why I started writing. Writing and journaling is a great way, to begin those conversations with yourself, about anything that confuses you or about anything you find interesting but would never have the heart to talk to others about, including your deepest and darkest secrets, mishaps, and struggles in life, its not always for everyone to know everything about you, most of the best secrets in life we keep to ourselves, between ourselves and loved ones, be wary of your public persona and approachability, the less overwhelmed others feel around you the better, no one likes to walk into a tense situation and be expected to break the ice about you or your condition, why its so important to keep things light, be considerate of others, think about others, and never be afraid to check in on others, ask questions, and give love back to people you care about in life.
Don’t forget to say how you feel, often times, when our world feels most chaotic, and things feel out of our control, when we feel like we have few choices, and overwhelmed to say the least, you can make bad decisions, moving forward, and if you allow all those feelings to pile up, yes it can result in self-harm, injury, and or suicide, which is why I take Abilify. Its been a very difficult road for me over the years, to manage my symptoms, and to overcome all those feelings associated with being good enough, and wondering if you’ll ever get there in life. There is so much pressure nowadays to live up to standards, and promises, living up to ideals, and legacies, and fulfilling those roles, we feel like we have been obligated to perform in life. Benjamin Keough’s passing, symbolizes a huge loss to the music community, the grandson of Elvis Presley. All “graceland” and “promise land” jokes aside, yes that’s pressure, to have been a child to the legacy of his grandfather, who promoted ideas associated with peace, that we are currently facing today among race relations, his music popular “across color lines during a transformative era in race relations, led him to great success—and initial controversy.”  Note that when these issues come back to life, it takes its toll on everyone, who seeks to represent those ideals, bestowed to them by their families, and upbringing, raised to not be judgmental, to be iconic, and as culturally gifted, share that wealth and knowledge with others in their lives. We are not all blessed, to grow up going to Neverland Ranch as children, as I was blessed to have been given the opportunity to see first hand, how important those roles were to National Icons in music, the bringing together of people, and whether or not they could withstand those pressures then, we are still faced with those pressures today to provide peace to others, in ways that do not interfere with their better judgments, and don’t single handedly empower the wrong people, to take care of those in need. Being an advocate means so many things to me, its having been through the process of recovery, hospitalizations, medications, and not giving up, no matter what controversies are out there concerning ones purpose methodology, or dreams, as having been related to a “dream team” of attorneys, who once sat on the couch at OJ’s house while we played, living in a different world sheltered from all the news and media publicity, that’s childhood. Then you enter adulthood, and if you are wise enough to play close attention, and be proud of who and where you come from, then one would not take any offense, or be dismembered, upon the likes of ones grandfather being used to promote current ideals, an imitation symbol to be remembered for all of eternity, the first one.
Of course everyone wants to be well liked, this is but one example of a social goal, you should have generally completed by the time your finished with high school. If youre thinking of a business model, for earning an income online, well it similarly starts with likes as well, meaning how well you are received, is measured on the basis of how you: feel, look, interact, and sound to your audience. On the sole basis of those four factors, you are either immediately read and well received or ignored, simply based upon feeling. You don’t have to be famously attached to anyone, in order to be well received, or unconditionally accepted, this occurs over time, as your audience gets to know you, note that not everyone in your audience is a willing participant, nor will be when it comes to your future earning potential, people are mostly concerned with their own self-worth these days, call it competition, but that’s just how the world works, everyone trying to stay ahead of the game in life, even if they read and benefit from your output, without crediting you, that’s just the real world, not willing to work with you on paper, but then willing to vaguely reference you from afar, so noted by others watching even if it flies over your head. Beyond likes, I haven’t really come up with a business plan or future course of action, nothing is set in stone, and while Im a long ways away from promoting other bloggers or products on my blog, that doesn’t mean that I am not still trying to work my way toward those goals in life, representing others, and based upon my traffic flow, help to generate traffic to other blogs, that would be the main goal, a consistent hub spot, to help direct traffic online, to other sources, approved by me, and selected by me, for reference to my readers, things I think they would enjoy reading too, based upon them liking what I have to write online here. Once I save enough money to publish a book, the book Ive been working on for a couple years now, will hopefully be published through Amazon Book Writing Inc, I still have a few final edits to go. So keep dreaming, you never know where your goals will take you in life, Ive certainly been surprised, over how much growth Ive witnessed to my website over the past year, I have been tweeting and writing on squares for years on Instagram, and had only generated 90k once on Facebook to squares re-blogged by me to Facebook, my first campaign I ran for Brady etc. I think by the time you start publishing books and become a public figure and author, you should be in a place in life, where you are proud of yourself, have your mental health issues, under control, and willing to share about your successes, without feeling like theyre being interfered with, when you get to a point where no one can hurt you, and you can still maintain a positive attitude in life, that demonstrates your good character, that no matter what happens you can be relied upon for insights, whether or not you are struggling privately or publicly, matured.
Don’t let anyone get the best of you, the kind of feeling that keeps digging at you until you’ve had enough, headache, physical illness, mental health issues, foggy, dizzy, disoriented, don’t allow anyone to have that type of power over you in life. Always maintain boundaries with others, especially online. I could’ve lived a normal life, been a paralegal, gotten married, but instead I chose to live a more public life, and to my detriment, there have been many adjustment phases in between having a successful blog and doing well online, between there and now, and Im happy Im no longer in that place anymore, or state of mind, feeling helpless, powerless, and living in fear of what the rest of my life would look like. I now know to take it one day at a time. We all have demons, to battle, and you can never know what to expect as a blogger online, you won’t always be in positive spirits, and there may always be something lingering from your past, inhibiting your writing abilities, but don’t let the past be a future indicator of your success. There will always be backlash, from relationships past, failed friendships, failed job opportunities, and things said caught up in the mix of all of that. Sure we say things we don’t mean, and sometimes beside ourselves, say things that just plain don’t sound like us at all, why does that happen? When youre out of it, its hard to describe whats not going right for you, and sometimes you’ll say things blaming others, that’s a natural reaction to things not going right for you in life, no matter what your condition is. Always remember to take a step back, no one can help you but yourself, and unless you are willing to let go, can the healing process begin, where the person who has aggravated you, no longer does, when the person who has upset you, no longer has the power to upset you, and the person you feel hurt by, can no longer control how you are feeling without having them in your life, that’s being strong. And no matter whos on whos team in life, remember to always be on your own team.
The majority of my audience is between 18-34 years old, and my blog is now popular in other countries, which is a huge plus, means my writing is translatable and makes sense to people not just in the US, where I am currently ranked among the top websites in the country #63,427. Although I still don’t have any finished work products for sale at the moment, that doesn’t mean in the future that I wont publish a book, I guess Im just taking my time. Im not sure whether I am doing myself a disservice by not publishing sooner, but these things you cannot rush. My goal as a writer is not to be off putting, I may have bipolar, and sometimes I may say things that will not make sense to you in the immediate, but I hope that as you live your lives, what I have to say will benefit the reader, I guess that’s always the goal of the writer. There are so many stresses today, that its hard to be perfect, and to always say the right things. Have you ever watched the show “Curb Your Enthusiasm?” Sometimes I feel that way, once you say one thing wrong, it feels like everything you have to say is off beat. I work really hard to keep up with the times, maybe should read the paper a little more, to me these things are important in order to be relatable and to make sense to the majority. Its important to keep things light, I have always made it a point to share some of my humor at least on my Twitter feed, I feel like it adds a little personality to my blog, to hear what I sound like, when Im not trying to sound smart. You cant always be the best at everything. The goal is to find what you are good at and to stick to it, for me its blogging. Sure I went to law school but that doesn’t mean Im going to be a lawyer, some things don’t work out, and that’s maybe why I blog now. I have always wanted to make a positive difference and to help others, and blogging has been the primary means by which I have been able to make a positive difference in the lives of others, whether or not Im getting paid to do so, that will occur in time Im sure. The better I get at public speaking, the more stable I become, its not an easy gig to speak in public, in the beginning, I used to have frequent panic attacks, and constantly erase comments that I wrote. Its also important to maintain a level head, not to feel like you are bigger than you are, and not to be overly opinionated when it comes to your world around you. Always keep things in perspective.
Sometimes its not advantageous to speak about difficult experiences in which one felt that they were harmed, if resolve has occurred, to which no member to an argument any longer feels harmed. Often times its me that gets trashed, having to share information to be trusted, and then upon being trusted, turned on, as though I have a better stance in life, than most, or as though I have more power than do most in life, I have the same amount of power as anyone else does, when it comes to sharing their fears, worries, hopes and dreams, we are not different in that respect. And just like other women can fall victim to falling in love online, with people who they think are members of a famous entity, or even holding that identity of being famous, trusted, as someone to speak to with regards to ones concerns in life. Not all famous people think the same, but they do have one thing in common, a common concern for their own welfare, image, and earning power, when it comes to the work they have produced, and its added value throughout the years, that is ensuring value is added back to their works, not value taken away from any written compositions, or entertainment works. There are a lot of elements to becoming a public figure, one of which is your demonstrated ability to get along with others, not build waves, and encourage the ongoing acceptances of others in their work spaces, working among industry professionals for different organizations, and by who represents them, not shed light upon older tails of discomfort and blames, when is comes to what transpired later, whether a result of muses being known at the time, and for what purposes those muses benefited the making of finished work products for sale in the United States and beyond. -Its not a heart attack when you suddenly realize your importance in the world, and there is no justification required of anyone who feels they are important, the harder you try, sometimes the harder you fall, and worse you are received by others, them punishing you or treating you like some kind of fraud, or someone who thinks they are bigger or better than they are, or even worse yet more intelligent than they are in real life. There are very high standards today, especially with what becomes common knowledge online, meaning what is shared by me, assumed to have been known by all, or something ever present and coordinated against, the use or misuse of subject matter for money making projects, there are no rules, which is why this a sore subject of discomfort to most, monies lost and credits lost. You cannot be apart of by mention and expect to earn or garner respect that way, you will always be you, whether or not you think others have been influenced by you for the better. The only way to be apart of in this world, is to create finished work products that represent your intelligence, your methodologies demonstrated, your intellect, wit, and knowledge, as having been aware of subjects that matter to you, and what you have done to help enable others to continue working absent minded the pressures of crediting people below them for their work. For example I once pitched #bloggingcampaign, in support of Brady to end gun violence, by sharing stories from my life, I thought to benefit the general understandings of fear at the time, as experienced by myself, and people from my life, who felt directly affected by gun violence. That was 2016, I have since discontinued promoting my blog for reuse by others to discredit. Ouch. Sorry, blog your hearts out, follow your dreams, with "blessings" always! Sincerely, mymollydoll.com. cc: #worldpeace
There will never come a point in your life, when your heart does not matter, in fact most things that you invest your time and energy in require heart. Talking to people, working on assignments, keeping track of things to do, managing a calendar, catching up with friends, texting loved ones, your heart has a great capacity to do many things, if only you would allow yourself, to be more forgiving and to let go more often. I guess that’s one of the fundamental principles of my blog, letting go, it seems counterintuitive to have an ownership clause “my” to indicate possession over a doll “Molly” or self if identifying as the doll, and doll to indicate, in our human form, how we over objectify humankind, and forget how fragile we all really are. You learn over time, divested interests, pain, losses, and feeling drained, which is why people who are in control of themselves and have earning capacities in this Country, are very short with their time, and do not like complaining, and expect progress from everyone, that is the more you are doing for yourself, toward achieving goals in life, the less of a liability you are presumed to be, to others, or a let-down in life. Not everyone will be proud of you, it seems that the more people try to pick apart your issues in life, the more they think your relationships reflected that need in life, to have a “blonde female figure” in your life, who was murdered, and that your friendships with “blondes” reflected that need, as though those weren’t the types of women who were attracted to you for friendship, as though you don’t resemble or bear the same underpinnings of those personality types, anyways, without having had a famous “blonde figure” in your life at one point in time. Everyone tries to mold and manipulate you in life, based upon your likes, who you are attracted to in life, constantly sizing you up, based on what you do or do not have in life, and trying to figure out what voids you have experienced in life, that have caused you to be so unconditionally loving toward others, maybe its losses, having not been forgiving in the past, and moved on so easily from relationships and losses, eventually you take a step back and try to understand, the anger and frustration that others have had with you during the course of your life, and the inevitable decline in popularity that followed, losing people in your life, including your best friends, once attentions shifted from them to boyfriends. (Ex. Same 5 friends my whole life).
We all travel at different speeds in life, based upon our energy, what we have to provide to others, and based upon what gets expended in the process of helping others or ourselves. We all have the potential to be drained, there is no limitless supply of energy, in the workforce. You either know how to pace yourself, balancing personal life and professional life, or you allow one or the other to take its toll on your well-being. We cant expect everything to go perfect. There will be a lot of unwanted stresses and strains along the way toward accomplishing your goals in life, that includes distractions, and any unwanted energy, from anyone who becomes unhappy with you, complains, or expects more from you, as though you owe them something in life. If you know that you are special, and understand that your time is limited on earth, and have a basic understanding of how to keep your day balanced, then lets hope that others with reservation will not expend too much energy trying to destroy anyone in life simply because they don’t understand the meaning of peace. We are all entitled to our sense of peace, that is peace of mind, and peace at heart, not hurt, tormented, toiled with, accused, prosecuted, blamed, embarrassed, or startled, by any one persons concerns, concerning our good character, and our purpose in life. There will always be a constant push and pull between anyone in disagreement with you, your happiness, and their happiness, constantly intruding upon your progress in life, as if to make themselves feel better about themselves, to set you worse off in life, that’s called a fight, an internal struggle, between yourself, and someone in disagreement with you, who persistently thinks that they are right and you are wrong, and are not willing to stop at anything until they feel that they are proven right about you, whether that’s to embarrass you, expose you, insult you, defame you, chastise you, spread rumors about you, that’s exactly what they do to get their way in this world, spreading anything but the truth. When everyone sees themselves as victim, that’s when its time to take a step back, especially if no one else sees you as victim to your own circumstances in life, as though their behavior toward you is allowable, and you are expected not to defend yourself, or to get help, while coping with their own transgressions toward you, in spite, in hate, and in retaliation, for whatever is felt lost by them, your love, your respect, your trust, your admiration, your honesty, and you willingly sharing your life with another, -some people just don’t know when to let go, there comes a stopping point, when things are not going both ways, that is when respect is not mutual, when love is not mutual, and when the well being of two people, is not longer moving along symbiotically, and a distance is caused, that cannot be reversed and only causes pain, that’s called a breakup. When the differences become fruit for attack, instead of understanding, and when whatever is said, is questioned, instead of being heard without question. That is the kind of distrust that results in any relationship messenger based, post love.
During my more paranoid moments, I used to look at things as a series of blames moving backwards however later realized that that’s not a good way of looking at the world, as though based upon faults, people draw attentions to themselves, you would think that the most notably referenced companies, sought a different plan of action, away from blames. Always think in terms of what is proper, sure there will always be vague jokes and references to people political figures, and blames associated to individuals in society we feel could have made better decisions coming forward but who wants to speak in private and watch people on TV at the same time respond doubly, to what is said in private, what goes on overhead vaguely, and then have to keep a straight face when talking about issues currently affecting our present discourse. Be mindful that is, be careful about the things that you say in private and in public, and be wary of how that rests upon the conscious of others, as remembered, as a writer one is always careful not to highlight or to say words or anything that stands out too much, so that that becomes the take away response from the whole piece written, however that is something you cannot control, what stands out to the reader as important, and what gets remembered by them. Ive found myself editing a lot lately, trying to be poised, and say things that are helpful but at the same time not reference too much from my personal life, and take things back to biblical times, as though my life as lived is to be used as story for reference for the better decision making abilities of others, not in my life, that would be a sore misuse, of my life and the people in my life, to be fruit of discussion, and not allow people to live comfortably, not under a critical lense, as thought about by strangers to any equations in life. -Just because Im a writer online does not mean that I have lived a perfect life, or have become more immune from controversy over the years, just as any bad year will have it, the moment someone else becomes unhappy with you, its seems to wreak havoc on the rest of my life, and better decision making abilities, as having to waste a lot of time and energy responding to one persons needs, in place of my own, call that being selfless, but I am not someone to have enemies in life. Ive found that the more successful you become, the more people feel like they have a say in how you lead your life, and about what is said, as though anything that you say can have an affect on their public appearance and demeanor, well if youre representing others sure, what you have to say will matter, to them, and to everyone connected to them, as though they may feel an obligation to respond to you being a blogger online, and anything you have to say, as them knowing you, expected to hold an opinion as to you blogging online, and becoming a public figure. Not all will agree with you when you decide to speak, and that does not mean that your life will get better, or that your experiences will hurt less, all things that hurt hurt again, it just depends how willing you are to let things go in life, in favor of living a better life for yourself and others. Everyone copes differently when it comes to stress, we all see things differently, and that will not change, mostly putting our own interests before the best interests of others, especially during moments of conflict, when our safety needs become paramount to the safety needs of others. Just be careful that once you are thrown into a public speaking position of power that inherently means that you cannot turn on people, speak badly of others, be accusatory, shame anyone, blame anyone, criticize anyone, let alone pass judgments upon anyone that would lead to disfavorable outcomes for them or anyone that they know, that’s being honest with everyone, yourself, and not saying things in a way that brings about harm.
Amid COVID-19, Riots, and Protests, youll find yourself letting a lot of things go at this time, especially your worries. Don’t stress out, and don’t panic. The worst thing you can do is overwhelm yourself at this time, with things outside of your control. Try to relax. The times may be different but that doesn’t mean that you still cant get things done, and live a normal life, and adjust to the times. Ive even found myself getting really tired lately, its really easy to overwhelm yourself with problems past, stay conscious of whats important to you now, not what was important to you then, before everything went haywire. If you can live a different life now then do so, get a new routine down, read a book, start a blog, apply for jobs, work on your credentials, take courses, there are plenty of things you can do at this time to become better.
I just want to move forward, obviously Ive been through a lot of embarrassment in life, and mental health issues, and just beginning to do better now, and ready to move forward, maybe write a book, get a job. Its never too late to start over in life, sometimes you just have to keep going no matter how painful life gets, especially when talking about the past. Im happy that I stayed in law school and graduated, I think had I not attended law school, I would not know how to respond to all the inquiries regarding the case, my condition, my family, friendships past, or relationships that failed. Its a tough world, and unless you are ready to face the criticisms of others, its very hard to come forward and share your story. -For example: Today Im not feeling well having shared that information yesterday.
The only time I ever really think about life, is in between jobs, or after graduating, trying to put myself together, and prepare for the next phase in life, or set of goals, otherwise like most people focused on the task at hand, or working my way toward jobs, grades, or marriage. You usually keep going in life, that’s unless you F up in life, meaning end up in Rehab, AA meetings, Institutions, or put in Hospitals on Psychiatric Holds for Bipolar, Self-harm, or at Risk for Suicide. Its your responsibility to get help when you need help, maybe that’s why I decided to go to law school, as someone who was usually sober, a good student, and athlete, I found that if I drank or tried drugs, and did not feel well, there really is no one to talk to about not feeling well, if the meds cant fix it, your friends cant fix you, means that you need help from someone other than friends or family, and especially not a boyfriend or any companion for that matter, teacher, boss, or stranger in life, that includes blogging. It seems that as soon as something is wrong with you, its like everyone except for you becomes immediately alarmed, notifying everyone around you, wondering about your condition, but no one actually goes out of their way to help you, rarely, shows up at you house, calls, or texts you, that’s usually family. There are wanted interventions and unwanted interventions, interventions when you are at fault, and interventions when you are not well, and it is noticeable to others, and they take it upon themselves to hospitalize you. There is only so much questioning and embarrassment, you can take in life, and years to life to live, to overcome shame, reputational damage, and by what is said about you, affect how you are received by the rest of the world, its very disheartening. Know that one of the issues is your level of education, the smarter you seem to be, or the more education you have, the more is expected of you, meaning who you choose to like, date, talk to, interact with, friend, socialize with, if you choose people who are not as accredited as you in life, then that’s how you will be judged, put down as though your issues in life, put them in harms way, seeing them as innocent to you as the more educated one, the more knowing one, the one who should be able to protect others from harm, and blame you for any mental health issues they endure as though you have a choice in what people think to hear "Leslie is in Law School and OJ is in Jail and it Looks Like Shes in Law School because OJ is in Jail. I took the LSAT 2006." When it comes to accepting you publicly in their lives, or talk to you in public as they talk to others, or even invite you places, and be treated as an equal by others, or those around them. That thing in common when two people meet, from different parts of your life, is a mutual acceptance of you, that lights them up, that’s each knowing you differently, things about you, like its their job to take care of you, as though you cannot take care of yourself, a chore, that’s somewhat disconcerting, its lovely when everyone meets, but not if it seems like an agreement about me, that I am lesser than, everyone else above me, when it comes to subjects about trying too hard, taking things too far, purpose, and to whom our chosen admirations are given to in life, as though we become who we admire in life, and then put down as though we are imitation of who around us resembles what we look like now. Most of the things you think are either too serious, too deep, too elaborate, or perhaps untrue ways of thinking things are happening in a way, if a negative outcome is thought to have been derived from what you think indicates reference to an existence of a negative vibe toward you. The reality, my reality, is peaceful, I make friends everywhere I go, I get along with everyone, Im not a loud mouth, I don’t talk a lot, I am spoken to, Im photogenic, and Im friendly, nice to everyone I meet, I don’t size people up, stare people down, give dirty looks, or ever get intimidated by others, feel less than anyone else in a room full of people, hold my head high. Just maybe not with the posture, stomach in, chin up, smile, light on my feet, shaking hands with everyone type of way, formal socially, but I do always dress appropriately, and if I don’t like the way I look dress or sound, then I don’t approach anyone, let alone like anyone for love.
You can’t please them all, meaning more will always be expected of you, whether that’s to make yourself happy, or to make another person happy in life, even at your best, expect that you may still not be good enough, and that there is always room for improvement. Part of the process of learning how to be well received by others, does require you to be aware of your strengths and weaknesses in life, however its not necessary that those facts about you be known to others. Online, a lot of information you share about yourself can be misused, mismanaged, misrepresented, tampered with, changed, without you knowing it, usually to generate a reaction from your audience without you knowing it, or understanding why, thinking you are doing all the right things and saying what is right, be treated different than you would be expected to be treated, as though you should be more in tune, know more about what others are in the know about, and become threatened to other peoples knowledge in life, don’t be. Unfortunately as someone who grew up around someone who was publicly put on trial in life, you run the risk of being treated the same in your older years, something that your parents cannot shelter you from nor shield you from, public opinion, and poor judgment of someone who was once held in high regard among others loved, be treated differently by anyone new coming into their life, not comfortable with who they are, where they come from, who they know, and where they are at now in comparison, to how others are doing from their lives, be treated as less than compared to who their friends are and were. That happens, its not a big deal to me, to not be as respected as anyone else from my life, that seems to be an ongoing trend, whoever is more important, their sufferings, of graver importance, than someone of my stature being harmed reduced to “mental health issues” “addiction” “alcoholism” as though these are symptoms of an underlying disease such as “body image” “identity” “gay” “confidence” “love” “friendship” “likeability” as though I drank or did drugs for those reasons in order to get things in life, I lost everything doing those things in life, not being myself, letting loose in life. Its important to be remembered in the positive, not for the purposes of dying or thinking upon your death how you will be remembered, don’t be motivated by getting things in life period, you’ll likely wind up empty handed in life, and don’t do things to communicate to others, a general response of being in the know about anything in life, as it relates to others manifestations of their fears, doubts, conclusions, or judgments about you or the guilt of others. Live life for yourself, and whether or not you are apart of the shared happiness among others, let no rejections or silent treatments of you, cause you to feel insulted, or react in a way that demonstrates a personal connection and therefore a personal feeling of insult, upon a distance created or maintained between you and any person you have met in life.
The whole purpose of thinking highly of yourself is to feel good about yourself, without comparing yourself to others and running the risk of feeling poorly about yourself as compared to what others have in life, or based upon what others look like in life, think less of yourself. Its important to value yourself, and based upon your value in life, the time invested in your education and career, is what makes you of worth to another in a general sense, which has become an acceptable means of achieving and getting what you want out of life: job, career, success, and love. You cannot play God, controlling what goes on around you, in order to lead a better life for yourself, often times, the less you focus on others, the better off you’ll be, spending more time on what is in front of you, and spend less time worrying about what you do not have control over in life, people, judgments, attitudes, and observations of you made by people looking at you and your life, as they see you, not as you see yourself. Its important to stay in motion, whenever trying to achieve any goals in life, which requires you to focus on yourself not upon others, you cannot get far in life, trying to measure up to standards, that you yourself cannot live up to on your own, nor be regarded individually as successful and of value, if you seem to be someone who imitates, emulates, or looks like a representation of someone or something that has already been done before, not the first of your kind, or the first representation of your own identity in life, a manifestation of the successes of others, as though success has been laid out for you in life, to follow suit, and walk through life, having been given tools in life, not someone who has gone out into the world, and learned tools for success on their own, by their own choices in life, not at the direction of others focused upon. No “Likes” are given to you in life, you either are something worth investing the time and energy on to read, and give acceptances to, with pride, or not something of importance to be read, understood, nothing confusing has ever made sense to anyone trying to understand or comprehend the work of others, the best work is beautiful on its face, and the energy of any given work product demonstrates that, not only making sense, but upon being processed, making sense to anyone processing what has been written. Where anyones mind goes to next, is not in my control, that’s not my responsibility to control any mind that wanders off topic, or on to others subjects upon reading what has been written, as though what has been written is about something else that its not, or about someone from my life, being described, as though everything I have written is based upon experience, its not, its based upon how I see myself in the world, and how I have been able to adapt to my current situation no matter what my odds were in life, no matter how many friends I had, and no matter whether I was able to get a paid job or not, or be provided for in life, supported financially, I always keep going in life anyways, which is probably why I blog. Who you represent in life matters, who you connect to in life matters, but there will always be the age old question of who is influencing whos health and energy wise, the one writing in public, or the attentions given to them, who is supporting who, support goes both ways in the online world, and just as the reader may be affected by my writing, I am also too affected by who is reading my work, maybe there is no physical attachment to my body or to my mind, but it is my mind on paper, being connected to another human being, who I cannot see, do not know, and who is outside of my control. Why I always stay focused on myself, the conduct of my character, keep a disciplined schedule, and do not go out, do not socialize, do not drink, do not do drugs, do not do business with anyone, except by continuing my education to be a better writer, and provider of insights online, that both bring me peace and hopefully does not disturb the peace of others. As someone with experience being in monogamous relationships, not based on co-dependency, in which one or the other is manipulated to care for the other in order to get reassurances in life, no “Likes” are generated online, by anyone not deserving of attentions in life, you can easily monitor anyone online, and pass judgment on them, as being put together, organized, fit for mass production, or ready to be a public figure, those qualities about a person don’t happen overnight, it takes many years to become known, respected, have positive rapport among others, not be viewed as a threat, not be in competition for followings or attentions taken away from other platforms containing audiences whos attention are of value to them to participate in and among their sites. There is a lot that goes into being online, and being successful, just like building trust within a monogamous relationship, that is focus on one, and focus on yourself, and that undivided attention paid to whoever you love or admire can be felt, around them whether or not you are presently with them, whether or not they are around others, that’s the basics to establishing any bond, to any relationship you feel comforted by in life, apart of, that is not writing and blogging however. I am doing well because I keep my distance from others online, that’s just my predisposition in life, it takes me awhile to open up to people, and overtime become more comfortable around others able to be myself, and light up, everyone is different in that respect. Im the type of person in a relationship where people come and go as they please, friends, lovers, boyfriends, never making any demands upon anyone to be in my life, or to pay attention to me, as I am always preoccupied focusing on academics or working towards having a career. -This is my job, blogging on a website, my heart.
Being in tune with others, is a sign of respect, for who is here, recognizing how people are feeling, and being mindful of the worries around you, without mention. Sometimes the best way to help others during a time of need, requires less focus on the problem at hand, as recognized, and more unconditional acceptance of others no matter what their condition is, that doesnt require you to know someone well, to have compassion for them, sometimes just being present, and being accountable for your life with respect to the lives that others lead, is all that it takes, in order for others to stay on course in life, and not be led astray. We are given so many options in life, and if there is one thing I have learned during the process of recovery, while healing from mental illness, and instability in life, living life in question, instead of with faith, under impressions, not being myself, and misguided, not found, eventually we find that natural sense of comfort, in having a good head on our shoulders once again, sometimes, it takes getting sober, cutting back on substances, or even stopping to explore emotions, concerning whats the matter with us, and start valuing who we are anyways in spite of our imperfections. There will always be things in life, that pull you back into your core sense of self, reminders past of who you are, and when you get there, remember this, no one cares where you have been in life, so long as you do not allow those troubles to direct or dictate your future course in life, and repeat old mistakes, once again, to the disappointment of others, whether thats falling in love too fast, opening up too soon, becoming too emotional in private or in public, or even worse, give up all together and become something your not, drinking or doing drugs, and experimenting with your health and emotions, which always seem to wind up bringing out the worst in us, not the best of characteristics we have to offer the world. No one likes instability, its an automatic turn off, in a world that requires "peace of mind" stability, trust, comfort, and hardwork, over personal issues, feelings, anger, upset, or frustration with ones own purpose in life, and unable to fulfill any other purposes in life, as though its problems that need to be resolved in order to move forward, so long as you lay problems before yourself, well then thats what you will be left with, when you find yourself alone, and finding it difficult to talk to anyone, if its love and happiness that you need, then think twice before giving up all options for those things in life, simply because you think that you are worse off than you are. There are no mental tricks, to getting out of a rut, it starts with forgiveness and acceptance of oneself, any errors that have been made past, and without lamenting on what couldve shouldve been, be proud of yourself as you are today, not always with faith that things happen for a reason, is life explained to us later on in life, sometimes we have to see things for ourselves, to realize how when disempowered we lose all ability to care well for ourselves and others, and thats the most heartbreaking experince to have in life, to feel worthless, every effort put forward in life, to better oneself, undermined by a past problem, or a defect existing or stain in our past, that we keep bringing up over and over again, its not until you allow those thoughts to process in a negative way, that you develop a sense of chaos around your current sense of being, no matter how far youve come, how long it took to get well, the minute you step back into those memories and emotions concerning inner turmoils or judgments of you, is the minute you give power for those insights about you to be had, dont leave yourself powerless in life, you may not know it all, but that certainly doesnt mean that you cant yet still recover. -You'll find out as you get older, that the world is not as conservative as you anticipated it would be, you dont have to blend in and be as fearless as the rest, it just means be a little more gentle in your approach, when it comes to voicing your opinions, as others may not be as hard on themselves as you are on your own self, be someone worth knowing, and who upon being known, make others feel well around you, and that starts with handling your own disturbances well, and be a solid voice of reason, to enable others to weather worse storms in life, possibly, conditions you yourself, have never been exposed to, be thankful for everyone in your life, no matter how hard they were on you, and do your best to stay level headed, you cannot help anyone who cannot help themselves, just be positive!
Just got the results back from my Ultrasound of my Kidney and Liver, and they found a Hemangioma in my Liver, 1.3 centimeters, that doesnt require surgery yet, but a follow up in October.
After speaking online, theres a lot of unwanted expectations you get met with, no matter how hard you've work, how long you have worked for, who you have spoken to, who you have reached out to for help, who you have encountered during your years of recovery, for something to be given in return, you do not owe anything to anyone in life, reassurances in life, dont come for free, thats the false expectation of a writer, to be wowed, or brought into a space in life, that illuminates their mind, and exposes them to a more beautified version of life, I leave nothing up to the imagination of others, I generally speak honestly, and specifically, and in detail, in a balanced way, that does not give way to negative inference toward others, thats the expectation of someone who appears to have recovered, assuming that they are immune from controversy or backlash in life, based upon how they have lived their life, as not being good enough, not fit to be a public figure, or not smart enough to speak in public, those are the general intimidations I face as a writer, its not easy to write online, and its not easy to write live, without editing, thats where one is mistaken, that there is excitement under pressure, or that one rises to occasions provoked by others, or similarly provoked by others, you cannot control people, and it would be wrong to especially try to control me, or affect me in a way, to make things looks differently as told, with expectation of being shared to all, thats when living becomes tiresome, subjected to agendas, dispositions, and feelings of others toward you, knowing you but unimpressed by you, thinking they have you all figured out, and wanting to see how much time and attention you get side-tracked on trying to figure out others, its generally a waste of time, to spend too much time on anyone who is preoccupied with themselves or others, never think twice about it, if they want you in their lives, so be it, but not at your expense for ridicule, when youre down, fall in love, or try too hard for acceptances in life, in a down position, thats just recipe for disaster, embarrassment, and later provocations as though you play stupid and arent a nice person, if you are well spoken online at a later point in time, after a year of writing in public everyday, and finally becoming popular February 2020, two months shy of being eligible for expungement, meaning have my record cleared, not for public review and interpretation, that includes my resume, its easier for some to justify treating you in what they think is a smart way, based upon what your resume looks like, as though that was a strategy for name dropping or paying attention to things like that at the get go. "John Nicholson" was an attorney who asked me to work for him on Linkedin, that was NOT an intent to communicate a "Nicholson" joke, with regards to the quote "you cant handle the truth" which was later stated, in lieu of the passing of "Senator McCain" for Arizona, a war veteran, known for surviving torture, whos running mate 2008  was "Sarah Palin" who's daughter name is "Bristol Palin," the street parallel to the street I grew up on, the same street featured in the movie: Clueless, they drove down once, in my neighborhood and on San Vicente. She famously wrote a book about going "Rogue" I assumed to be about her trying to be brave, and not sit among others similarly, and take a different course of action setting her apart from others, maybe that was her definition of leadership, being beyond everyone, to be above any concepts driving current systems of creation and understanding of events and important lives, and neighborhoods, containing victims of crime, in their memory, stapled to the screen, older more mature versions, thought to have been more sophisticated representations of students at the time, featured at "Beverly Hills High School" in another neighborhood, east of Brentwood. I was born in Santa Monica and attended Carlthorp School, a very small private school just west of my neighborhood Brentwood, the family living in the home before us, the Redlands, I knew looking in a Carlthorp phone directory, same address but a different family name, their children also attended Carlthorp School. Our neighbors were the "The Petersons," their daughter gifted me her set of Barbies, when mine were broken by my Brothers friend, she was in the same class as a Carlthorp transfer friend, whos Father was a "UCLA" Doctor, with an older sister who used to read teen magazines, and taped photos to the wall of her bedroom of models. Similarly, my best friend and I taped photos of models to our bedroom walls in Brentwood and in her home in Miami, where she later moved, and lost weight, and I gained weight. I once joked, calling myself "Rogueberg" because I had made so many iMovie jokes, to title segments from my life shared out loud, that someone on Twitter posted an Iceberg car chase, with the same term, similar to the "Shreck" car chase seen shown overhead, in my senior yearbook, the caption "Voted Most Shady" was written over a picture of myself and seated in the back, a classmate who freak danced my neighbor at his Bar-Mitzvah, legs in between one anothers legs, I was dressed in black velvet a long skirt and a velvet t-shirt, who was later featured in his Bar-Mitzvah video told his "parents said whos that, pointed me out." Similarly at a club in Hollywood, out with Kelly Osbourne, we bumped into a cast member "Donald Faison," from the movie "Clueless" and sandwhich freak danced him, I was maybe 15 this was before driving, as I remember my friend through friends was old enough to drive.
(1) Not Why We Met (04-12-20)
(2) Dont Take Your Time for Granted (04-13-20)
(3) Tolerable Levels of Advocacy (04-16-20)
(4) Being Better Than (04-22-20)
(5) Being Defined (04-29-20)
(6) The Weight of Criticism (05-02-20)
(7) Into Adulthood (05-10-20)
(8) When Love Comes Around (06-14-20)
(9) Credits Deserved and Wellness (06-17-20)
(10) Overcoming Hate & Restoring Your Faith (04-12-20)
(11) Not Everyones Ready (03-16-20)
(12) Growing Up (09-17-20)
(13) Growing Up in Brentwood (03-15-20)
(14) Please Respect Year 2013 (10-23-17)
(15) Expect that Much (01-01-20)
(16) Why they Freed OJ (10-20-17)
(17) Theory of Evolution (10-04-17)
(18) Knowing Less About (04-06-20)
(19) Finding a Stopping Point to Thoughts (02-06-20)
(20) This Day and Age (06-03-20)
(21) Just Left the Hospital (08-09-19)
(22) Don't Define Me by My Past (01-06-20)
(23) 1 Marg (01-19-20) (01-27-20)
(24) FBIDC Report #3 (09-27-17)
(25) Being Bold (03-30-20)
(26) Life Isn't Perfect (04-02-20)
(27) The Last Thing on my Mind (01-06-20)
I first learned about City Planning, as a Paralegal Intern at the LA City Attorney's Office when I was 22 years old, a Paralegal Studies student finishing up my ABA Paralegal Certificate. I was required to go to a Public Transit Library, located on the other side of Train Terminal, I could get there by walking, from Main Street, where our Office was located, my parking spot, kitty corner to a park, behind the LA Time Building I walked past, everyday on my way to work. Some things are put in stone, mostly things that help a city stay organized and orderly, and give added meaning to any number of citizens within a given county, who recognize theuir surroundings as home, a familiarity to any neighborhood setting that uniquely identifies people with their surroundings, sometimes reminding them of who they are, where they come from, and also fit for distracting us from ever feeling larger than we are, human, irreplaceable, but only living for a moment on time on earth. Theres a great song my Mom used to listen to, in her Mercedes SL, with the license plate "Rognons" which means Kidneys in French, it was Black with a Tan interior, a two door car, seats lifting up for seating in the back, her best friend used to drive a White Ferrari with the license plate "Late4aDate," her car was White with Tan Interior and stick shift, gifted to her, with a Red Bow on her Birthday, her name written in cursive in rainbow over the drivers side door handle. The song is called "Why" by Annie Lennox, her best friend's favorite song around the time of her death was "Come Undone" by Duran Duran. When I hear the song "Why" I always think of the Y I noticed in the middle of New York City, by the theater district, the part of town I just learned that is also called "The Great White Way," "encompassing Times Square ,,, [an area] between Union Square and Madison Square."  Union as in the "Union Station" I walked through on my way to the Public Transit Library.  As a Sociologist who was also a Psychology Major for two years, Ive always been an even tempered person, never paranoid, never questioning others, never doubting anyone around me, grew up "self-reliant," I learned this term in American Literature in High School, a private school my Brother also attended, which is why I applied, even though I was on Honor Roll in 6th Grade, won a Medal in Basketball, and sang a solo with one other girl who attended another private school, her Father was an Airplane Leasor, or Hungarian decent. In elementary school, I was placed in a multi-racial mixed-ethnicity class, the children of wealthy well to do professionals, with homes, and whos children mostly graduated and attended a more pretigious middle school and high school than mine, everyone got in from my class, however I did not apply, and three of us out of 27 students attended other schools, two of us attended Windward. When I think of the the Letter "Y" I am reminded of how things have come to be, and how many systems of knowledge are built upon what is important to the individual bearing any resonance or derived meaning from the potentials they see around them, including individuals of interest, who they may or may not make decisions based off of knowing, sometimes only later, knowing or understanding or appreciating them in a different respect. You would think that "knowledge is power" however in today day and age, it seems to be more about who you know that gives individuals power when it comes to identifying matters of importance and people of importance, shared knowledge is not always the ticket for acceptances, not even this story I am sharing now, even if a new anecdote from life is shared, its seems to always take on a different meaning to most, especially anyone new, who sees your sharing as a jumping off point for their better understanding of life, or for suited derived interests on subjects that concern their own memories from life, what they know and recollect, always making decisions based upon who they think is important, never stating why who they reject or decline insights from, carry on in life, as though one doesnt exist or have anything important to say. When I asked a pen pal "Is this about 9/11?" It was because I wasnt sure why I was not being responded to and for what reasons, sure I tweeted in bits and pieces, but that never meant I had a firm understanding of the historical meaning behind how songs are made, who Ive known, and by what connections, that moment in time, affected me personally, other than my Father crying in the kitchen that morning, watching the news, and went to class, I was in Spanish 2 Honors firts period. We played hang man, the teacher kept saying "lo siento no aynada" thats all I can remember. Its so disheartening to be treated as a nobody in life, let alone an offender to the best interests of others, that really dissuades a person from coming forward and sharing facts from their life, its seems that everyone has already preassembled their own theories about 9/11 and why that happened to our Country, by my education, thats an unethical disruption of the natural work flow, and idea making process, to constantly rule out people from any moments of peace, cause irrational disruption to the progress of anyone trying to make it on their own in this world career wise, and an even bigger insult to name a Dating App "Tinder" when there was a "Tinder" Smoke Shop located on the corner of my Moms Rent-Controlled Home two bloack away for $2000, the same as the address of a Star Avenue building shaped like the Arc de Triump located at the tip of the Champs Elysee in France, where I attended a Summer Study Summer 2002, the year that Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France, I studied Architecture in Art History and Drawing at The American University of Paris, with my Best Friend, who had recently moved to Florida, Miami, I remember crying on the Airplane once I was seated after hugging her Dad goodbye, who stood at the entrance to the terminal they walked me to the boarding area. Thats just how people are, add things up to negatives, to suit themselves in life, as though anything they think or their current stability is automatically offended by your insights or by the sharing of your life, as though people were not already benefiting themselves by pointing out your existence in life, unbeknowest to you, but obvious to any outsider to any equation concerning you or your family, who lived on Rockingham, two blocks away from my Best Friend, whos Mother met us playing outside, and asked my Brother "Do you have a sister?" I havent even read my Mothers book completely, and her book went missing from her home, people do anything by the book these days, when it comes to controlling your outlook and insights, treating you as though they know you or are trying to protect you or keep you quiet for some reason, thats exactly what intimidation feels like, when others think they know better than you know yourself and your own life, as lived, to be a better judge of character, especially if you are the type of person who sees the good in others, and doesnt assume the worst. Its certainly not my my misgivings, or hardships, or separations in life, that are the cause of chaos and disallusionment, resulting from a lack of faith in the progress that has been made, and the reasons for which that progress was able to be made and why. Never assume that anyone who speaks would ever disturb that progress, no matter what industries stepped up in life, to address their own concerns about life, whether or not pointing to responsibilities or accepting their own responsibilities in life, when it comes to how everyone sees and appreciates the world in which we live today.
 Amazon Book Writing Inc. (Book #1)
 Keidi Keating (Book #2)
 Torah Bontrager (Blog Advice)