Watch out for the blues, when people are not well, then them transferring their negative feelings whether about you or others, let no one affect you, it’s a simple game, of people not well until you recognize an emotion that they could be feeling speak to what they are saying or something relevant to something they have said to insult you, watch come through your writing as though that’s how thoughts are made through feeling and transference of feeling from and to something you can see or by someone you do not know. There is power to being understood, and there is also something positive that can become of making sense maybe not inherent to the thoughts that others have of you, by observation known and memorized about you not forgotten, but maybe its your focus or ability to continue to speak is what makes them upset the fact that you can speak freely, as earned, a learned condition, not a condition of no remorse to impress upon anyone an adverse condition socially as the one trait I was thought to have inherited by luck, dismissal, rejections, or whatever it is that could be thought of as excuse for the other but at the same token not reserved as a point for insights as applied to me, for me, everything short, see, doesn’t feel good, ignore, and not make a problem of it to their own lives, that seeing someone and not needing someone, or seeing someone, and only hearing what they want to hear about you, something that matches that feeling of disdain upon looking at you, and so I gained 50lbs again and stayed in my room for four years only leaving to run or work, that’s being a trooper, not a problem to one not a problem to all, that’s not giving up in life that’s not being a problem to anyone keeping to myself, and that’s exactly how I wrote books and built a website, not bothering anyone, and not asking anyone for help, that was the solution to my problems, more me time, and less time wondering about appearances or what I look like or sound like, that’s why someone stays home, because they are not presentable not good enough for work, and too overweight to date etc be social, that’s normal, that’s not being a problem. The exchange of illness occurs when you are feeling okay, then chime into someone elses distaste for you, and actually hear the negative sometimes in a moment of silence, sometimes minding your own business, is when I get auditory delusions, that’s someone either talking about me to another or trying to talk to me, as though I cant hear them, until a physical change is rendered to my face or body that demonstrates to them that they have been heard and also do not make me feel good on the outside and now on the inside, that’s someone being experimental with your health, connecting to change you to understand themselves, and by the time they let go and feel better, you will not have known what hit you, the passing of any obnoxious energy with you present, is simply an adverse reaction between two people, someone busy, while the other juices up on the inside, and then puts you out in public so that you don’t feel good on the inside, like a taxi cab missing a clear left turn on the street and turns early into the street where you can only go left, that has happened to me twice, on my walk home in the dark scared, I was traumatized and aggravated, I started slamming my head into my front door several times until it bled, that’s someone getting hyper off of you and then feeling good also f-king with your head, so that you feel like youre gone, its something you cant wonder about, its them gone feeling good, and you not feeling good, and not able to carefully reflect to understand what was it that happened and what was it about you that made them think okay to do to you. What causes a more mature approach, sometimes stepping outside of yourself, works, that’s when you hear something you needed to hear, or hear something to offset whatever was worrying you about someone, and no longer feel the problem lying within you then come to understand the problem as possibly lying within in another, again that’s compassion, not feeling insulted by being given a hard time, Im sure in NY that explains why they shout at Taxi cab drivers and tell them which way to go, even if they have to tell them the exact route step by step, that’s not being bossy in a mean way, that’s not allowing your presence to make them think you stand out in a bad way, and then be bad to you back. That’s an innate understanding of managing someone you do not like, not compliant to their needs, and in the reverse insult them as though their presence or the sharing of air space offends their ability to live or be themselves as though the meds Im on, presents some contagious psychiatric condition of non-acceptance of me, that’s just how people are they know you and don’t respect you based on where they are from, and by what you look like, too healthy, meaning she must be someone bad healthy who stays home or someone bad healthy who cant work, or someone bad healthy because she takes adderrall. Whatever the f-king causes for hate are, its not justified, I am well because I am smart, and I was pretty because I was educated, and I was calm, because I have an even temper, and I was loved because I am loving, and I make friends because I can carry on a conversation, and I get sick when that much is not understood about me, treat me as a had she not been murdered no one would know you youd be nobody. Listen had I gone to Mezzaluna, we would still be the $hit and we still wouldn’t know who the F you are.
Originally Posted 11-19-20