Enjoy your innocence, there will always be a later point in time, that have you not learned from your prior mistakes in life, that you will not be viewed as innocent. -If at a later point in time 8 years later your record is eligible for expungement, that will not stop a negative viewpoint from taking hold, as to your personal worth, your self-worth, or any later coming to be, in which you are made to value yourself or be proud of yourself. So that’s not what running is about, to serve as a reminder, for an attack, or an incident, in which I was questioned, for running, I think if you are able to exercise then do so, that’s not being up to no good, although by appearances if you lose weight, maybe some will be suspicious of you, by medications you take, or people who stop by your house, not everyones criminal, and that’s the mistake of judging someone for the friends they keep, if all male by that point in time. In middle school all my friends were guys for some reason that’s just how I have always been, at some points I have a group of girl friends, but its usually through my friendship with men, that I get to know them. There is a such thing as mutual respect, and that may not always occur for you, on the basis of who you know, have known, respected in that regard, everyone tends to get viewed on an individual basis, so while there may not be any cooler team in life, that doesn’t quite make me a member to their success either, whether that be family or friends, treated differently. I think when you get singled out in life, you can either allow yourself to be intimidated by others, be affected in a negative way, or you can try to help, you may not fully come to understand all the umbrella terms, and inputs of others by apps created, but that’s also not to lend insight for any way in which a state has suffered by fires, be made about, and that’s the extreme point of considerations being made, as to the causes for a fire, and a timeline with regards to when I have been on Tinder, three nights only, and have met three people only. What is a proper response to something going wrong, and can you do anything about it. I think if you have a good track record, and a powerful identity by trusts given to you, then you are the type of person who can turn things around for another, and once they become independent of you, whether you are credited for that change or not, something good became of them as a result of knowing you in life. And I used to have that affect on others, that’s a good thing when people don’t need you, and if they do need you, that’s also not a good sign, the instability that follows, should you stop chasing them in life, all relationships are different, some expect you to always be there, some will try to redirect your attentions, some may be tired by you, some will reject you, and some will be loving toward you, and some will treat you like one of the guys. So whatever was read, about me or anyone, then becomes a memory placed in the treatment of me, to similarly treat me as though they are them, and see me as not a keeper, and you cant really redirect that point of view, when everyone feels put together except for you in life, it will always be by what you are made to feel proud about that will keep you going in life, and in those moments of intimidation what you say gets judged as a hit, an unwanted referencing, or an unwanted attention from you, viewed to have been made in a sexual way, and someone who does not think that you are pretty or attractive will act on the insecurity and either let you know or let everyone know in a public way what they think about you, without disclosing that much to you themselves, and that’s being represented or misrepresented in life, and sometimes they will think that they have a bigger hand in life than you do, and that’s not always the case, so try to be mindful, that although you may see something noticeably wrong with someone, that doesn’t mean that they belong in other relationships, let alone with women, allow that difference and difficulty to prevail, that someone who someone does not see eye to eye with or thinks there is something wrong with them, not readily identified by them, that’s really not for anyone to be the judge of what is missing from someones life, or who with one is made to feel better about themselves. I don’t think I have ever been this talkative or outgoing in my life, it must mean that Im not totally comfortable, and not totally sure of myself, if it ever seems like I am backing down from an opportunity that I am made not sure about, and that’s nothing to do with the person, or group of people, but everything to do with what comes out of me upon talking to someone, whether I am myself, or whether made to disclose things to build trust which should never be the case.
You will never know what someone was like before they change, and thats the main lesson. It doesnt matter who you were, if you cant be that person anymore for others, then figure out what has changed about you, what is wrong with you, and go from there, whether or not you have people in your life to be proud of you in public, it will not always be that way, that you are given public admiration, respect, for everyone else to be noticed with, to know that youre not lost, or gone, or a drug addict, or alcoholic, or sex addict, if thats not you, then dont let anyones negative judgment of you, for caring or loving on others get the best of you, not all need you love, not everyone cares about you, not all will respect you, and most of what winds up bothering you, will be something that someone has caused you to say, to be remmebered by them to say something for your memory, that if talked about, causes others to see you in a likewise disfavorable light, which is why Im not getting married, Im not having kids, because it more important for everyone else to feel like they have done a good job, trying to put you in your place, or teach concepts to you, that they dont think you already know about or have already suffered from just like everyone else trying to respond to the times, and speak approrpriately. So if you dont make it to a better life, you will have no one to blame but yourself, for having discussed where everyone else was coming from and why you got treated the same or similar with no money, just to bring up a subject regarding: sex. Charlie Sheen References That’s Just Something 11-21-20 We may all be human, but we are capable of being different, and maintain a unique sense of purpose in life, its not all about making money, you have to create your own success in life to be of value to others and that how a shared happiness occurs, hopefully before your identity, image, or reputation take a detour in life, that’s the cost of not effectively representing yourself online, by manner (twitter, thought to be a Charlie Sheen joke over client order of priorities), or self-harm (hole in the wall as thought to communicate with reference to a hole as in a “hole in one” as in “legally blonde” to say that any movies were ever thought to be about me before I grew up, or about my path in life ever, that’s a shame, mental health issues misunderstood, that’s common to confuse bipolar with autism, as though one cannot speak or since one has not spoken one has difficulty communicating, I think my psychiatrist of many years on Bedford, both agreed not to be put on adderrall because I was too hyper telling jokes, also something my therapist advised against, as Ive later matured online, it seems that obnoxious quality of humor, much like a bad photo, sticks with you how upon being viewed privately you get remembered for how you were when you were not well, not recognizing a struggle as like any other struggle anyone has gone through in life image wise, I think its youre either happy or youre not, really nothing to do with breakups, youre either smart and able and get in or you have not presented yourself or your personal history in a way that demonstrates that you have moved forward, if you sound like youre thinking about the past, that must have been a red flag as not knowing much about and that’s not something anyone wants to relive, what you would have understood had you ever thought about what your friends parents did for a living, (Im sorry for saying PCH its never okay to make fun of yourself, my ex-psychiatrist was a gender identities specialist, I started dressing like a guy shopped in Front Runners boys section in 3rd grade, a change I made on my own, not with reference to other PCH cases and gender identities, sorry to mention). I think that was something I later put together in life, all the connections that were there never pursued, for some reason didn’t try hard enough to date or be social, maybe something to do with depression (from smoking weed) I was later told by a new psychiatrist by zoom who in March took me off all day meds for a week or so, because I was hitting my head, this started while talking to Ari Emanuel hearing voices, Im sure another case of ideas or world colliding and based upon my book cover or who I know thought an obsession to think about wrongs, without enough focus on whats going right, that’s not how to be supportive being controlling in avoidance of wrongs committed by others, that’s empowering the wrong teams in life, and when you do that, or sound like that, you don’t feel good to anyone, why you get put down in life, so that youre not funny, so that youre not respected, so that you seem odd, or insecure, and the more intimidated you get the gayer you look, the more feeble minded you become, the younger you sound, the less depth you provide, its like a never ending cycle of shame, growing up maturing then being made to look immature not evolved. So it’s a learning experience, love is important, pen pals are wonderful, but when it comes to sex, that’s something you keep private, not something that needs to be shared out loud or in public to communicate any freedoms in life felt, still earning to achieve in life, that invincible confidence of “no one can hurt me” a type of strength my mom has described to me, but never understood like “prove them wrong” I have always accepted how others are around me, better than me generally, so I don’t think earning a million dollars in one year blogging had I set up my ads and been professionally built would ever impress anyone, who probably just thought I was a relapse, cocaine addict, who allowed older men to turn her into a woman, whatever that matters Im not sure, they wanted to, theyre older, I think they know more about, prime time, than I do, she has yet to see the code, do this to the code, I think at the time, that was their way of making their world fell free again, not under pop culture pressures, Im sure work life is boring, have always enjoyed my self-paced lifestyle, work around the clock, when Im focused, rest and take it easy on days I cant function, now its like I have to work everyday otherwise I don’t feel good, and the music stuff is hush hush what feels good, love everyone! The Beauty in the Positive 11-26-20 6 months to a year ago I was nothing, just an idea that never came to fruition, a jazzy pen name, with more negative innuendos than any positive insights that could be born from such an expression of thought, thought to be about someone else, or something else, not of my own making, and then you come to be. That’s being nothing and then becoming something, theres nothing intimidating about that, just someone no one thought you were, smart, smart enough to rise above hate, and strong enough to be insightful without bringing the house down and making it just about yourself or your own setbacks and sufferings in life. In the beginning I would post on Twitter, which looked more like a “snapping” “Charlie Sheen” joke than anything relevant, or a “quotes” campaign or style of writing thought to memorialize “Johnny Cochran” who died of an aneurysm, after defending OJ Simpson, therefore me in law school as Sydney Simpson’s best friend was just a joke to anyone watching, looking at me like I was trying to be something I was not, or even worse, not include me, and hospitalize me for 30 days upon his release seeing myself on TV in the hospital, that’s being left out of any equation for peace in life, making gun violence about me, so that any effort to combat gun violence, would be viewed as in defense of my own identity, as though I ever spearheaded any movement against men to begin with, or teach women to value themselves by not putting out, and give love to one another instead, I don’t want to be gay with any women, nor do I expect any women to be nice to me, and think that Im being gay with them, Id rather be alone with no friends, and no boyfriend, and no children for that matter, its too late, Ive been hospitalized 9x bipolar, and I don’t think that is in my hand in life, to be married have children and to have a new life, its work or nothing and Im not sad about it, no dreams shattered as of yet, just a new beginning. So when you get to the top of any game, whether that be in tech, blogging, writing, or photography, just be yourself, maybe its that your bringing something new to the table, and exciting person to watch and to know in life, just as your boyfriends semi admired you or not, or so chose to admire other women in their lives, in spite of whatever it was you were going through they never thought relevant to how you looked, who you were with, and why you lost your beauty, while in love, I mean who does that happen to anyways, not something I ever thought would happen to me, thinking about someone else in life. So be yourself, I have had my own share of struggles, much to do with appearances and intelligence more than to do with anything social, either fitting in, or not fitting in at all, what is cool anyways? Someone who makes sense or someone who does not make sense, someone who everyone likes, or someone who people question, someone who makes others feel good, or someone who makes others feel badly, someone who thinks positively, or someone who causes others to see things in the negative, for whatever its worth, if Im too late, tell my family Im sorry. So where does beauty come from, its not a shield, or is it, is it an attitude? Maybe. Is it thinking well of others, most certainly, for everything beautiful is a reflection, within, and outwardly to those around you, like a halo, an image of the world, that encompasses as feeling to be had, about you and about others, which upon connecting to or with, makes others feel similarly beautiful in its presence, a quiet acknowledgement of wellness, which to anyone who is not made happy about how they look and feel threatened by, to bring about a different set of characteristics or traits in you, to your face, and to your spoken language and words, reflecting the disgust they have for you, the insensitivity they exhibited toward you, and with reverence for themselves, an unlikely duo in time, or match, a better than or worse case scenario, meeting of the minds, to bring one down to bring another up, and exchange of luck, what dating in law school was like. Someone who is better than you, will always see themselves as better than you, and that’s why you are not taken seriously in life, or respected, thought to be about something else in life, proving yourself right or others wrong, and it is on those basis that others seek to attack your image, your face, your body, your feelings, and your demeanor, to denounce you from any positions of importance when it comes to trust and likelihood of success determinants, not including knowing you as being someone who brings positive thoughts to the minds of others whether or not that excludes you from considerations to begin with, as having always been a good person, from always having meant well, from never having intended to cause any harm to anyone elses understandings of the world, and to never waste the time of others so caring for you, its is for those reasons I have decided to be alone, why? Because if my work is not of value to anyone, and if I am not of value to anyone, then I should at least be of value to myself, and so long as they keep stealing from me work when Im at the top, explains why I created more work of value, or irreplaceable value, online, my writing, and in words became of value to others. That’s living life for yourself, and for others, seeking to benefit not harm the sense of others, and not intrude upon the very things that make them feel good or feel whole or be loved, that’s by who is around them made to feel safe, that’s a sensible exchange of difference, to see someone who is well, who is not in need, not take away the trusts of someone who dependency on them, created the very energy toward me propelling me to one failure after the next, treated as an afterthought of beliefs, from the sufferings of others, as though all our sufferings are connected, woman, man, child, professional, doctor, attorney, or judge, to what lengths must anyone go to prove themselves right by proving any one person wrong in life, is surely just wasting their energy in trying to describe a harm that has occurred, and only lending insights to allow that harm to occur again, bullying. Its by what you say others come to believe is a consensus opinion of you held, whether by one, or a few, and then to all, sought to occur, so that one could be compared to someone like OJ Simpson, who everyone loved then lost respect for, hated, well I am not him, and I was never famous, and I have always worked hard, and life has not been easy for me to say the least, nor should a game be made, of identities, to hurt mine, and say that I don’t measure up to anything intelligent, or worth a read, that would be putting me down, in favor of others more deserving of attentions in life, which is why my femininity gets attacked as being gay or masculine, to kick me out of a gender admired, women, in favor of a more tolerable pose in life, which would be to fight among those looking for a fight to see how I measure up in comparison, someone who threatens others when upset, or someone who is not seen that way even when upset so threatening anyones sense of self, the only thing scary about not being on my team in life, is not thinking like me, and not having my words make one feel better about themselves, that’s when someone does not work for you, and doesn’t improve your condition by what they have to say, that is when another person who knows me feels better to you talking about me. That is the strength in knowing someone, no one talks to, getting to be the person who gets to talk to everyone like they know me, when I don’t even know them at all now, different. When you love someone, you never see that coming, the side of them ready to fight you, like they had it in them the whole time, preparing for the very moment, you decide to leave, or to focus on yourself, as though anything you would have to say thereafter, would run counter to anything they had to ever say about you or about life in general lead others to think like them. Whos the bigger person now? Man or woman? Who is the insensitive person now? Man or woman. Who do we empathize with now and read? Man or woman. Whos insights shed the most light upon how others are feeling? Man or woman? From where do thoughts come from? Man or Woman. Is that Man reading woman, or woman reading man, and whos heart is in the middle of that deduction? Man or woman? Think before you speak, and that goes for thoughts internal as well as thoughts external, which all are affected by, always think positively about those in your surroundings no matter how mad they become at you, sometimes seeing you later on Instagram doesn’t make a difference, even if they hear you sing, still have nothing positive to say about you. So learn to roll with the punches, returning my glasses tomorrow, had already exchanged them for a black pair, by Prada. ------ It is will be by what is read on the subject that gets remembered then that is how you will be treated whether you have improved overtime, whether you have done a good job mentioning anything important, what it comes down to is blame, what doctors were you sent to and who subjected who to harm and what the cause was for the first suicide attempt 2009. I think when there is a change in care that can result in a lot of uncomforatble feelings and not all will understand you, and based upon anyone taking a quick glance at what you have to say about life, not see you as a victim to your own discomforts in life, not being in control of what others think or by what happens to a client with an Attorney in common to "Charlie Sheen," OJ Simpson, who was not released from jail during the time I was in law school, instead I was thrown in the hospital 9 times, a count not by me, to be the number 9, but what sharing my medical history equated to, being about a theme in numbers, or in names, which I dont think is what life is about, so now its how do I feel going in the reverse, whether that causes me suicide, or whether by bringing up the term I am made to feel any better about myself, I think I did best running everyday, I think life gets more difficult the more people have less in common with you, and more comradere going with others is perceived to treat you as the scape goat, or to frame you, as thought hats what things are about conducting yourself in public, in light of what is thought of you or could be though of you, and I dont think I deserve that type of pressure in life Ive not made any money, so while things are not getting better for me inreality, and certainyl if not in reality then not on my blog, I think that when you are well, and there is nothing bothering you, that is what helps to make other people feel okay and should you get sick, that will also be the reason for others interpreting your tone, until it happens that they think that you were evr critical of others, I think once you recognize what the issues are you try to help, and that type of humor and care in quotes is what people thrive on knowing what youre thinking where youre at, what you are noticing have you ever felt offended by anyone and what if anything have you ever found insulting and why and what ever caused you to think that things were about you in the first place. If Im not from hell, then my life is not hell, and if I look like hell, that doesnt mean that I belong in hell, and if Im treated like hell, doesnt mean that I will behave like Im living in hell, and if you think Im from hell, then you dont care about who I was before my life became a lviing hell, and when things dont get better for me thats me hanging up my hat and giving up in life, cimply because I cant win an argumetn of anyonw who is terating me like I subjected anyone to disease or STDS if you think that then take it to court, get your blood tested, and prove it, if not, then you wiull have treated me like the scumbag that Im not, simply because you think your hands are clean and think my hands are dirty or my dirty hands have anything to do with what you have in life, which is not what life is about, thinking that everyone elses beauty is about you, like youre God shininbg light down upon me that is making me look beautiful or feel good about myself, there are many destinations in life, and not all of them wind up taking you to money marriage homes and kids, and that much you have to learn to respect about someone who is taking their time to get well, being a wise decsion maker, and not make everything about cutting your own risks in life, which is why I did not call, which is why I did not get work, which is why nothing was explained to me, just to see how small I am in life, then threatened bye mail like anything Im sharing is not good information or with Gods bests interests in mind, so do me a favor, dont give me a hemangioma or a heart attack simply because you are not impressed by me, dont think Im pretty or think Ive done anyone wrong or not protected them against bad decisons or bad opinions of them, Ive never msirepresented a man in my life, but the rest of them terat you like someone in need, like you have something that they need in order to feel goodl, I feel good on my own, without help. Im not suicidal, stop describing me as mentally ill, diseased, or comabtive, I self-harm thats how I respond to fighting whether or not directly directly at me in life, I get mental illness, from others expressions of anger or rage toward me like I devalued myself on pupose, or had too much sex, Im not the cause of a loss in power to anyone, if I have not lost power myself, from anything I have done in life, that must mean Im innocent, and if you dont see me that way that must mean that what is being done to me is until I get sick to prove me wrong in life, like Im not helping everyone or was well liked with everyones blessings. #stopsuicide
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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