11-29-20
Please Note (11-30-20): Im sure Im just rambling about how I feel, but in reality everything is peaceful, so maybe adjust my attitude about how I think Im being interpreted. Sometimes its not thought until its said, so sorry, okay today. I have to be careful not to push myself over the edge and bottom out, emotionally, keep it smart! Good point. What is up in life, respect, & trust. Who is victim who is to blame. Retaliation on me treat me as to blame for others liking me asking for photos of me, not take my side to justify discrimination as though I’m ever racist condescending or give anyone attitude in life it’s not my style or energy to hurt for reaction make feel stupid as comeback lens crafters joke to be sent home for card for a difference told later was $6 to get my glasses back and paid difference already. If my face looks grose around people they take it personally as though I don’t feel well by anyone or that it’s a trait intrinsic to me to hurt me as trying to be something I’m not ladylike or respectful see me as something I never was a show off or cocky or condescending or trying to sound educated compared to anyone I had to work hard to be smart it’s easy to read it’s harder to write and manage content for reaction not in the reverse respect loss of say something to empower or notify a side toward you that they have won at destroying you because they thought your purpose for attending law school was solely to help someone personally not based on experience to help all why my sex lose brought into question not seen as a victim because I said once or twice I’m done because it was just sex they don’t call or text so why should I chase someone who’s not into me afterward that’s leaving a door open not expecting anything in return wanting more that is being a lady staying with who loves you not wasting time getting f-cked by someone who’s not long term material see eye to eye there for you emotionally just as friends. So I got treated like I do others and make them feel bad about themselves how a lawsuit made all my connections become connected, that’s what happened to now to be viewed as to allow others to conform me being the source of bad luck or bad ideas that results in poor luck for others in their lives to be connected to someone who is not respected or carries a trait of characteristic of hyper or disallusionmemt not believable to others upon viewing me seeing me instead as unimpressive compared to the feeling derived looking at others more out together on point than someone not made on point upon speaking to others or being looked at confident within and on my face. To argue that Im the cause of bad luck financially had I not had friends over to meetup at my house a car accident would have never happened as though the reasons for them leaving were not to get weed because I did not have weed to supply for a kickback at my house. To say allowing friends over past the point of not being allowed to have friends over was their way of doing me wrong to make me look like I did not learn from a previous bad experience not to entertain anyone at my house without a brother present his friends were okay under my supervision not respected as not intending to cut loose be taken advantage of which was why my house got invaded at a party someone put a cigarette out in my best friends face would not listen told to all go home and my father had to come out and break up a fight and tell everyone to go home, and that was my father in public upset at a kickback that was turned into a party not by me, kids from another school I did not know. That was how allowing friends over who asked to come over turned into a poor representation of my values trust safety of my life and belongings not taken into account as being of value to me, placed in jeopardy, simply because one group of friends distanced from did not make it okay to be close with everyone else made me seem particular about distance as though blames others differences as though I made them look like they did anything wrong, they still came over anyways one accidentally spilled candle wax on my new purse, and the other greeted me nice to me, came over without invitation or cell phone numbers. Illness occurs socially when made to feel that your missing a point everyone gets about you and that’s you no longer belonging not being a stable person chill and it’s when you become needy that someone cannot help you if anything’s ever an emergency it’s you not chill is why others do not speak to you means get your life in order no one can help you past a moment of disorder doesn’t mean so drugs alone it just means don’t so drugs at all if you become a different person. So that’s an example of how it comes to be that others stop believing in me supporting me (if I exhibit signs of mental health issues, not being chill, voices, not at ease relaxed when everyone else is, to make me seem nervous, as though they all know something I don’t, and waiting until I find out why it’s me alone not in sync with anyone, distant back, as though studying and being focused is a natural distance not for personal reasons obviously not headed anywhere important in life if that’s the feeling expressed toward me disappointment past and who I am now not making things clear or inadvertently painful to address the causes for that allowance). That explains why doing things I love like law school told to work was not good enough (a pre-judgment if failure being in need of help, and if I’m not chill means other people who tried on me with similarly not being made to feel chill by me with their own problems not needing unnecessary embarrassment due to drug use or promiscuity). So now in doing what I’m doing, blogging, I’m more mindful, than I was on Twitter, which was stability and moments of upset all shared out loud, and even things missing or posted not understanding why, that’s an example of being connected to the wrong insights in life and reacting as though there’s an audience for it with no followers means will be heard about respects lost seeing your name was known and in connection to that makes a poor entrance to the public arena with already famous people representing your team in life, made to seem spilling unhappy by connections seeing a bigger picture personally or even worse be treated as less than not deserving misinterpreted as not going to make it with all of history known, say things in a way to benefit the teams existing then make everything now seem like known all along we all get the same news which aren’t pointers for appreciating the good things in life if you choose to accept the scary parts of life then that’s you not appreciating the good things about life value your blessings and who’s in your life why ever lose faith during moments of peace, be patient, as I always have without question even if though deserved having heard things about me lost respect for me, fair enough, I think I get hurt just as well when noticed as though I was madd to chime in you have to chime in when something doesn’t make sense ordinarily suddenly makes sense only as to information only known to you. This is why it looks like I made others not feel good (now expressing difficulty post JD and mental illness hospitalized 8x is not just me giving up in life with disability it’s also not being able to get well no matter what anyone else’s reservations are made out to be about me not seeing the beauty in figuring life out expecting me to know and treat me as though because I did not try hard enough others suffer including my family, that I can take credit for not having a legal education or confidence intelligence wise to even see anything as unordinary treatment of me or my family members. That’s others protecting them and them protecting you and all the random stuff gets viewed as knowing seeing and not liking for reasons only they know, seeing people known as obnoxious, not respecting anyone they don’t want to be in life. Why information is made known about people without representation like they deserved to be misrepresented or guided away from respecting a source of positive representation. Everyone goes by different information thinks they handle things best putting me down in life. vs when I was well that’s an example of not understanding why encouraged to go to law school everyone thought I could do it then not finish be a waste of money so only do things I know I’m capable of finishing with full confidence and no disability means if my head hurts means everyone didn’t feel good and then call me selfish for committing suicide before law school started before applied and got in, to say that I was trying to prove smart or had insecurity issues went for title or to get laid is what it looks like I didn’t need sex already had great experiences it’s when others want to do you and you’re not ready that you get mental illness trying too hard and it doesn’t feel right for them or trying hard in school and things then don’t work out for you there then get blamed for being liked or wasting years of anyone life dating me like I haven’t wasted 8 years of my life disable or mentally ill obese criticized for appearing like I needed attention then later supporting brady thought that the whole time had a plan and there is no agenda it’s people popping up and responding to them like rand who was trying to figure everyone out and by observation sizing up what the issues were and not be attacked as the cause for those happenings directed toward someone who was okay with me why others were not okay with him so that’s why I got sued to make me seem like someone who upon association others thought less of why not responded to. So I’m going to work audition because I want to sing have practiced discovered that I could and it’s not because blogging is not going well it’s because it’s going well I have this opportunity to audition. It’s not a once or twice issue do something well blog and then leave like I can replicate success everywhere I go and experience failure like it’s not meant for me to earn a wage because I supported the wrong teams in life if that’s the too late issue everyone was going for and attacking me because in the 90s everyone was angry to say that someone’s support on the right team was meant in a condescending way as above me to me no she wouldn’t have responded if she was above me and I think the issues are far too painful to even talk about with them who have reserved their right to privacy while everyone thinks I’m just trying to be famous or struggled because another was famous of course not I’ve always supported them did not think that was necessary done to them before internet social media and then something stupid happened to me with social media to make the times look archaic as allowing for trashing still and I don’t know why after bbdo I posed I don’t know why my boss was weird with me don’t know why I got f-d at work and it wasn’t a match, I think you’re in the mood for matching and usually when you match I’m not in the mood and when I like someone similarly they don’t see me as a match which means I’ve let men pick 100% of the time, never the first to hit on anyone expect out with friends I was drunk should I hit on him they sent me back in to talk to someone I thought was cute and that was a mistake to pick after being picked and to not be offended personally got his number interviewed him got to know him we didn’t talk I didn’t know him at all and he was going to leave without number and name as though that’s a normal occurrence or deserved I never lied to say that was rape because he did me again not drunk passing out so whatever that means to anyone else and my face it’s not something I focused on or realized at the time a change I was not a mirror person vain so it’s only once I became vain I realized how someone can change you faced by sex and now by looking at you and it’s your bodies reaction to something in disagreement with you could be my blog, my attitude, my fave, my reputation, my sexuality, questioning my hygiene, my hands, my face, whether I do myself or not when and why, and that being the bot of information not needing to be known about me and if at issue then they want to know for how long when and why in secret to whom by association and that’s why no one wants to talk to me because they heard I do myself and people think it’s about them well if none of you make me feel good it’s no wonder I’m the only person that can make myself feel good it’s not about you it’s about me, don’t take my sexuality personally since I stopped putting out I’m of value to me whether you feel liked by me acknowledged or recognized that’s not my job to make other people feel good and not especially if I’m viewed as someone who can do themselves then every interaction is viewed as unwanted someone who looks and does themselves or looks at others I could do myself without any stimulation and that’s the misunderstanding it’s only until called something you condition yourself to be something you’re not and gained 50lbs. And that proved everyone’s right about me and got what they wanted someone who matched the description of what they saw me as, and that’s the term they want spread with 400k viewers to them treat me as a fan support because I identify with someone who went through something and then treated the same as though any difference in opinion be made of me hurting me and as discussed mention someone who doesn’t need to be known in that way either. That’s hurting me to hurt someone mention as though our issues or problems are the same to make me look like a piggy backer someone who rides on the wellness of others not someone who does well people want to be around that’s being beneath everyone. That’s how you get treated if they think your gay, to them say your OJ, to cover for those who thought you freed OJ, then say you did all if that to be famous why you got treated as grose because someone thought you did it why they did not want you to defend them and say I loved someone who was disgusted by me could do better, and that’s to make me look out of touch or someone who can’t tell if they’re unwanted that’s more than a disappointment all those challenges then become polite rejections of you. So that you don’t matter and say that others are victim to your expressions marching (they think is running), or weight gain (they think is gay blaming women I’m gay they couldn’t care less it’s not a big deal what matters is for how long as soon as I figured that out I texted my brothers friend and Danielle to tell them). I am who I because if my choices in life no one made me be this way and I’m sure anyone could start a blog and sound smart and get likes and the fact I didn’t mean go had a long way to go proving myself an alternate interpretation preferred over a poof choice in favor of school then another poor choice as though trying to do better another side taken other than my health which means everyone knowing each other and thinking less of me or everyone knowing me not knowing what to tell me where all the heat insult and disbelief is coming from in terms of understanding concepts about guilt, associations, prosecutions, ideas, communications, beauty, smarts, and who’s at peace and who’s not us who never thought what I’m thinking but at peace to know it was not only them who thought whatever I’m feeling now was thought of me to excise someone new with expectations as though I’m board with a past viewpoint shared by popular wish to remember me in a way v not smoking weed hurt me as a poor decision maker to say I made others look bad so they madd me like bad based on who was included by photo called me shady to now be said to make it seem like that’s something bothering me it only got triggered 2013 found my yearbook reviewed it then made a call and was told they meant it as a “term of endearment.” Give people time to get well seems it’s before I’ve improved I’m already criticized as though because they can’t see it it’s not happening for me or them only by their own feelings making decisions as though if they were me my life would have been lived any differently or resulting from known loss of respect to begin with, I think I’ve done my best I understand I’m no one important, I get they don’t like that I get help, I can see them wanting me to be ghetto handle life without so much supervision but I also understand that as f-cking up when everyone is watching you or knows you to see if you do anything stupid when left with no one and that’s the satisfaction in watching someone f-ck up in life to justify all the disbelief whether deserved or not and at what points in my life viewed as a let down. I still have to be on my own team in life whether or not anyone is struggling with comprehending what I’ve been through life’s not easy and I think if you don’t say anything then that’s letting jokes fly and sometimes the jokes were intended to fly because they don’t see your communications as beautiful think you don’t deserve to be a representation of any beautiful insights about life don’t think your story benefits anyone knowing you sees your identity as a spud e of bad luck past and presenting if you are thought to be the secret muse, then call me something else I’m not, that’s you allowing for that because it’s easier to say muse like I had no life no good years no good grades no jobs no acceptances because that’s fun for someone else to see me if aggravated whether I take anything they do or say personally I really could care less, it’s those who hurt you that become scared, I don’t care enough to sue anyone for that matter and because I’m not suing anyone doesn’t give anyone the right to hurt me and get away with it because no one cares to stop them as though no or belong means deserved no I don’t deserve to be made to look stupid and I don’t need anyone in my life who’s not in my life already and that means don’t contact me if to be in my life not accept what’s going well for me as though my intelligence is a joke not worth a dime writing if it’s my passion and my gift in life then maybe it’s funny to anyone else who thinks I wrote knowing stuff to sell anyone out including my own Country it’s only now people have learned to understand without getting upset and blaming people for not giving them directions in life of how to view the world and their relationship to me as joke or pride.
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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