I may be half-asian, and there may be nothing that I can do about being half-filipino, which I think is the later discussion, in analysis of a crime, what were the causes, then looking at current representation online, and to blame my genes, as an unintelligent example of a human being, or causes supported, and can get that that much is not working in my favor since COVID. That did not however stop 17 million people from reading what I had to say and on what basis. If I was half black, then maybe I would be more respected as a representative of a mixed ethnicity, but because I am not black or not half black, that does not make me a likely candidate, to represent the issues as I see them, or to demonstrate what is working for me in my favor, my education. There will always be a system of blames, that will be by identifying factors, place of education: CU Boulder, intelligence (test scores), disability (medication, mental health issues), then a study overall of what the composite sketch of someone beautiful appears as, and where that beauty is coming from, a recognition of ones own self-worth or upon recognize of anothers self-worth. At what point is a stopping point, when things are going well, because things are not going well, Im probably not going to gte the job, and will probably not start working, and will probably continue to blog, until I am better situated not being made to be blamed, for not representing the issues well enough to stop any violent reactions to the times within our Country. So don’t let everything hit you until its too late, when is a good time to go by what others think, and when is it a good time to go by your own instincts. I think that’s a difference that will always sit, what I was doing 2012, with two jobs one at the DAs Office and one job in Criminal Defense, with a Witken Award in Advanced Legal Writing, whats a good joke? I think if you don’t allow things to bother you in a negative way, then nothing that anyone thinks will impact you in a way to result in you feeling disempowered, or less than, and sometimes that is a fact about life that you cant change, what anyone thought of you unimpressed, and also now not enthused, and that’s not something that you can prove wrong, anyone who views you as being in the wrong, or the purposes for you speaking, blame as an equation for: fame, notoriety, looking good, trying to be important, wanting to above others, thinks that they are pretty, is trying to be smart, thinks that they have the solution, thinks they are smart, thinks they know what things are about, is not smart, is not pretty, is not intelligent, does not feel good, thinks that they are better than, thinks that what they have to say will make others feel good, and the list goes on of everything you are not in life, and that’s also something that you cant change about yourself. So who deserves what it life, I think being close to a family is one thing, I think if someone else can better represent how they have been affected being close to a family, then all the more power to them, that they are not left with whatever feelings I have been left with in life, to condemn me or anyone close to me for that matter. There will always be people who think that they are above you, but they will probably not be here with me speaking in this moment, and probably only care about their own instincts, not trusting me, seeing there be something wrong with me, or not seeing me as capable of fixing a situation, in which anyone else who represents equality is made to suffer. Whats a confirmation it’s a shout out from someone who has been influenced by you without saying your name, who you are then proud of, is able to represent the issues from a different identity that is not your own, and probably an identity that is more acceptable to most. So what does it mean when others do not want you to blog, they don’t see the purpose in it, not because of something they know about you, think you can do better in a job, I don’t think I can do better in a job, if my dream and passion is in writing, and if it’s a trait that was called upon, upon people responding to me in the positive, means that’s there is a gift there, maybe not in seeing things as they are, or telling people how to look at things, but that doesn’t mean that what I have to say is not beneficial or does need to be said about the times, and that also doesn’t mean that Im trying to be “King” or be targeted for the actions of another in a “kingsoopers.com,” in a town I grew up in 2003-2007, a good school. -So that’s the current shock, and is not something I have not already discussed with Brady by email, upon it first worrying me December 18,2020:
When the Opposite Occurs “Re: “sorry Brady.” When the exact opposite occurs, then that will be why they later reconsider what odds you are against in life, and when you were well, to whom a connection was made, and what was communicated, all of which they later try to later hold you responsible for, your own condition and the condition of others, and what if anything you have engineered that was successful, or later viewed to not be a success, who is in mind, what is in mind, and where you are coming from, and what opposite things are heard or said, that fall in line with whom and why, and whether any attitude in life, is based upon the shoes of the other being taken and who is to benefit and why, and why one does not benefit upon speaking.” For some reason I don’t think that there will ever be anything beautiful about what I have to say, so long as I don’t stay well, and whoever it matters to you, for you to stay well, should always be yourself, no matter who views you in question, does not see you as a person of value, or is made to test your integrity, as though there are risks presented upon hiring you not present in your face, or current work ethic, that is through writing and running. That’s when everything you do, appears to be a tireless attempt at being strong in life, that’s when you are being viewed as someone who is just going through the motions, but does not have a visible destination in mind, whether that be marriage, employment, or ability to earn a living and be independent, not all have it made in life, and that’s just a fact of life I have come to accept whether or not Im paid for the work that I do, nothing comes easy in life, and nothing is for free either. So while it was a nice gesture to write for free online, that doesn’t mean that I have to write, that’s not my punishment, and if my punishment was to not speak online, then that is to prove me wrong, as though I don’t have anything of value to say, or don’t deserve to speak. I think in the middle of a natural disaster, its okay to speak, no matter what was thought of you in the past, that may just be them looking out for the best interest of the observed majority who probably didn’t know you or by what they knew of you, did not view you in the positive, and that’s not my fault. So the uphill battle are mental health issues and that cannot be changed by job (medications), so while I do have options (that cannot solve my problems), if I cannot solve my problems on my own. So what is progress, its recognizing what is left of you, and where you have the potential to be in life, its with consideration for the emotional investment of others in caring for you, and not also being a disappointment to anyone, based on where you come from, if at one point you helped, or not longer are able to help, let it now be based upon the guilts of others, who do not view you as a good reason to keep going in life, some will not think fondly of you, and that much you cannot change about life, not being impressionable to most (the face, the brain, and the body) behind whatever work you have composed on your own (which singing cannot solve, or further demonstrate) what there is special about a person, you have to recognize when others are giving up on you, that’s them not seeing the potential or your worth in writing, so when you start to give up on yourself, that also means that they expect you to suddenly do well working, which you have to be strong enough to make that transition too. So not that’s not my fault. What causes people to give up? I was once diagnosed recently by a new psychiatrist who thought I had Autism PTSD, that’s not completely true, since I am a writer, but that may be true on the basis of someone reading what I have to say, or not saying, and think that I am blind to what others see in a creative way, thinking is coming from me, and Im sure there is a point at which what I have to say will not be of value, if it is judged to be coming from a negative interpretation of what Im about or who I am, influencer or not, not all are capable of influencing others in a positive way, no matter what audience you imagine yourself talking to, that glimmer of innocence in others, is them not understanding what you are trying hard for, or thinking that there is something you have said or done, to be the cause for whatever occurred in the wrong. Where is the mentality coming from? It will be someone reading something you have to say, being helped by something you have said, then not see the value in you, having read something you have written, and been benefited from your clarity of thought, then there is the point at which you are not able to speak clearly, then that is things making more sense for others than for you presently, and that’s you inheriting a pain, or a set of misunderstandings to cause you to speak through what it is that caused others to give up on you, or be hard on you, and why. What creates peace? It’s a blissful state of pride, in which you have nothing to fear, and view life in the positive, and have a firm belief in a clearing ahead, and that’s the type of potential that others are looking for in a life partner, in an employee, in a volunteer, and that much may not be respected of you if you go for the wrong things in life, such as love, romance, comradere, or companionship, its that glow about you that will be likely lost, by anyone who hurts you in private and tries to convince you you are nothing, to then see what becomes of you: nothing. So that’s where gift and potential goes, first looked at in the negative, then causes you to read everything in the negative, then something you have to say supports a negative interpretation of you, then you get left with a feeling that you have to correct, that’s putting others before yourself. Then what is selfishness, when you get voices and self-harm, then that is to prove a condition occurring upon your loss of productivity and positivity: mental illness, to then see whether what you have to say is in response to mental illness, or whether you have mental illness that gets demonstrated through another, and that’s able people who are 100% with time on their hands, to then cause or heckle a condition into you, until something goes wrong for you, to say that when things are going wrong for you, you cannot stop things from going wrong for others. Not all will respect you in life, and if you ever get in trouble, that will be itch off your back that you cannot scratch, a record, so although you may have had a perfect life, once you have gotten in trouble that’s how you are viewed in life: trash, and blamed as though not having been an inspirational person at one point suffering, then be hurt, or called upon at a later point in time, to explain where anyone else is coming from, treat you like your some mentally ill paranoid mess in life, that I am not. So while you may not value me, had I not responded to fires, airplane losses, and now gun violence, then I would probably not be alive or stuck in bed all day sleeping for no reason, that’s the type of unreasonable pressure you get put under in life, and that could also mean that you are important to others, you have something of value to say, and that you can help. Ever notice something a little off about someone, it will be exactly that that should communicate to you, that its not a match, so that you are not later made to look at them while they are in peace, and there being something wrong with you, made to feel tired, not well spoken. -This you learn as an adult, what you feel drawn to, what fixes you, what helps you in life, and what to steer clear of in life, anyone who does not make it clear what they are doing to you, what they think they are doing for you, or worse yet what they think they are doing for others, and that’s no ones job, to minimize the importance of anyone in life, especially someone who is recently nominated for an award, all self-harm and job loss issues aside, still proud, a “blogger.”
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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