11-29-20
So thats everything I had to figure out for myself without an attroneys advisement, talking things through, a lot of what you wonder about are things happening to you because you dont recognize what is wrong with you why you get punished, either because something bad happened and you didnt say anything, or based on who you later connected with, hiring a professional life coach, based on Florida, seemed like a business move to connect to a state with recent gun violence, suspect, thats looking stupid no matter what you do, so always know where others are at in terms of your innocence and do a good job of being professional, not creative in the sense where you do anything or make any connections in life to make a statement about yourself, that occurs through your work ethic, not by where you work, or who with, make you any more important in life, not if you seem like someone who is getting involved in a profession you dont belong in, without personality, or unattractive, Im sure thats why its very hard to get in, you ahve to be at a certain level of understanding with compassion and be on good terms with the majority, not someone inhibiting the growth or a growing industry committed not to spreading mental health issues, or about preaching to others philosophies in life to explain the past, that Im sure of, forward thinker, most still here, got their rest and now they are back working, which means, dont hold back, time is of the essence and while everyone is alive and well, dont ruin a good first impression, due to any amount of bullying, if youre not that important yet, and if you were not that big of a deal then by school choices, then the impact of hearing from you now, will similarly feel the same, nice to hear, good to know, but make no system for understanding losses, based upon individual needs or merits, be considered the course of disappointment or heartache, remember who introduced us to concepts of safekeeping, and writing 60 words per minute, those who invent systems for managing your day, thinking, notes, and calendars, and emails, are people who care less over details within, and more about the overall feel of being in someones life, and having reviewed what they have written, is the basis for communications of value, you literally can tell if something hurts, Just like you can tell when your not yourself, why not to drink or try drugs, its better to be smart doing nothing, staying organized, then slow down to see how everyone else is doing looking for answers in life, that the street cannot provide back to you, or a bar, where to go from here, your strengths in life lie in your conscious thinking when alone, and its when around others, that you need to be more mindful of those in a room, not just focused on yourself, how you miss out on life, working toward goals, instead of being happy when everyone else is, and its when you become unhappy, or think that others have made you look bad, or hurt your thinking, is when you need to buckle down in life, and take life seriously, not blame anyone for how things look, just be more in control of your own awareness for how you have been identified made known, and not shy away from any challenges in life, look like someone who is too carefree, and in not being in the lives of others, be viewed as selfish for focusing on oneself, thats how you go nuts, accommodating someone elses sudden neediness when you detach, as though their detachment from you for a year was tolerable and space given, generally means to focus on oneself, and if youre not getting good grades in law school, then maybe that means to have not written on twitter, for public viewing, which cannot be taken down, easily put back up, without you knowing it, and thats something being focused on about you, without you knowing it, how your mind gets split between two things to concentrate on, writing online, and working in school, not present anywhere, that means that because you lose your focus, and because of what was said, that is how you were made to feel gone, not on point, so learn to let things go, no matter how interesting twitter was to try, having not written anything for years since joining 2008, maybe in law school was not the time to talk to the public in such a personal way, thats being focused on presented to the world, and if you dont know how big that world is, should anything go wrong, as you are, stable or not, others may become critical of you easily identifying you as the odd man out, and thats how interest in you is lost, things not working out outside of school and you being made fun of for a list of tv shows in your computer "melrose place the remake" upon transferring to the other campus a new Constitutional Law II Professor, same material first day, so I left class, and talked to the Dean and my Property Professor in an office, with a fan on an empty desk, and told them I was going to DC, and since only showed up for the first day that semester and took 2 weeks off in DC, by my request for a leave for absence, was not permitted to return to campus, so thats leaving to graduate with Ds a good GPA, transferring to another school, which shouldve been the JD Program at California School of Law Online, instead a Masters in Law at Thomas Jefferson School of Law which doesnt prepare me for the bar, nor completes what work was done in a JD. So there is still time, now that my brain is back, life is painful, but I can still try, something to do besides blogging. Then I wrote this walking in the park, only sometimes, I cant stop writing, and not in my routine walking everyday, there are a such thing as work days, its not being on in life, its making sure things are okay, having disclosed all the scary stuff I had to interpret or not assume and let go of and forgive, and just forget those attacking me, not believe anything they say, when someone misidentifies you, thats to speak through you for all to hear, and make you look like you made yourself look stupid repeating something mean someone was intending to insult you in a way they think is deserved, or was deserved, thats now a testing of saying things to me and what happens to me, thinking in their control, like insult, as recalled later, caused weight gain or promiscuity hooking up, that person inside thats like get me the F out of here, is a "rebellious" person, dont let them hype you up into thinking your going nowhere in life, its usually by what theyve read about you, they think they have a story to tell about you, and not care about whatever work you have accomplished toward getting well and staying well in life, your life a joke to them, you know if this was someone who was mature enough to respect a condition, hospitalize, then maybe I shouldve dated someone with more experience being in relationships, who wouldnt have the energy to change or control me anyways and leave me just the way I was, they either trust you or need reassurances, and if theyre just with you to have someone to call a "girlfriend" and stay in touch with other women they find smart, then dont F me, simple. Its someone who takes personally if you become bipolar focusing, thats not me high or gone, thats me in a moment of peace needing to be left alone, and amount of focus, always interrupted, its like my mind stops, and if Im not careful if scared, my face gets disoriented, thats when youre easily affected, why if they cared about your health, they wouldnt have subjected you to odd conditions and smells, just to see you respond in mental illness, like I dont know how to breathe under pressure, write, perform, report to the police, call a Judge, we may be in COVID, but its those smells in life, that interfere with the bodies ability to make decisions, causes a headache, slow thinking, thats being made to look weird, microbes etc, its me inside me and it will be me inside me at all times, no help needed. We talked now everyone can practice letting things be good that’s not backing up Bc it’s important to learn how to utilize hyper vigilance have a good memory so in good timing when you see clearly then can talk about what we solved on our own and how we managed to be successful despite discrepancies in choices as the cause be not the cause sought seek positive results in self if harm needs proving or disproving by way of positive consequences (cannot be created as connected should be coming from an understanding greater than any individual interests made personal to a bystander hurt or made scared by something in control image and output alert, it’s the miscommunications within the home that is a waste of time too late to light up for anyone, with a football kitchen table that’s also notifying others that that deduction was coming from someone confirmed by matching names Chris Sonia and Justice Sotomayor which was the point I committed suicide for no reason knew deep in what CSI skilled and trained people get energetic about is if this or that must be this that’s not hard, why, stuff I’d like to know more about too instead treated like had a solution all alone didn’t share I got shot in the neck with a needle means don’t speak and not especially if that’s the name I’m saying, that’s making your parents relive the past l, move forward, don’t say things paranoid about people from their lives how you get hurt mentioning and then that strength in connecting gets made to look stupid superfluous so let go don’t put my dad down “with a big head” he loved his kids built a sandbox, and no he doesn’t take things too far he’s a workaholic maybe not a supportive ex controlling but he’s always loved my mom wanted me to take care of her now they’re both upset with me, I’m sorry. Nothing on your part needs to be done to reverse any negative assumption of you the more you lend inference too the more you justify the distance between you and others which is not a cause for suffering forgiveness then say it if not saying anything thought about would result in harm to you why things get said as needed Bc of risk imposed upon not specifically stating what it is that I’ve done wrong why I got punished it’s how I am how I look what I sound like about face treated as inhabited by something strange not myself which I think was the goal of separation is bipolar not herself and now no one and with a website someone with no one in my life and my parents upset I couldn’t figure out my own mental health issues in therapy just put on meds to not over talk myself into trouble was the point. No I was not the stimulator connected to anyone, and no being hospitalized 9x does not prove someone right about seeing me as a mentally ill influencer that caused gun violence, if I never mentioned it then how was that thought up and brought up not by deject keys by me on Twitter that’s studying unfinished work wanting more not being provided with a point that’s reporting the only point should be protection of interests not the opposite your own interests tainted and be ridiculed treated as not smart, you get fooled by who you connect to, why and is stupid, more damaging to your image and intelligence than anything one up or point about life that can be made to support whomever liked you but then again just wanted to get down at your expense made fun of so again my loss I did the right thing left didn’t marry left a 4 yr relationship Bc someone kissed me means talk about it if something bad happened while separated, he can’t talk you through a choice of course he’s not gonna tell you to go back to him he convinced you to leave him. You learn in a good way bits on your own and alerted to what basis things not right for just you or others? Me (2008) seeing movement uniformity in expression that’s boarding a ship I’m not on at some point take responsibility say I’m here I see what’s up are you ok I’m okay that’s all. Sorry I was so intense. Just mature that’s al that’s asked of anyone usually these are compliments not excuses and take into account you were the funny subject like who the F is that what the F is she doing why the F is she there you know if no one saw any harm in it, then why should I have for seen anything ahead to be fearful of, learning is about being more able when I was not strong gave up, tried drugs, drank, hooked up, all the things that devalue you as a human being later you learn to wait and if it doesn’t happen means get a job make money not be a charity case a trophy girl that’s only for those who represent others well, so I see how skinny looked ridiculous as being somewhere achievement wise proud based on my surroundings etc not found. I was found. Just not in a smart way making moves in life was learning tech excited about it and when I’m into something and it’s not making money told to get a job and that’s life what makes you happy may not always make others happy and that’s that.
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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