So long as you are not happy with yourself, there may be no one who can convince you otherwise, to beat the odds, and to keep moving forward. If going backwards hurts that’s a tell tale sign that there is apart of you, that others do not agree with or are not proud of you or do not understand why you ever got “voices” how that happened, and think that there was something wrong you were doing in life, to cause you mental illness. And that’s not how mental illness happens, its when you give up on yourself, when you do your best, and your best is not good enough, and that’s when you get finished off in life, during times of instability, weakness, not in a period of strength, and it will often be when you least expect to be hurt, that someone else shatters your hopes, your dreams, your ambitions, your progress, and your livelihood. Convinced that you are some denomination of something bad, and not value you as a human being, and that much hurts, for someone to be nice to you, threaten you, then pretend like that never happened. I always wonder what gives people the right to be so emotionally mean to you for no reason, and people still respect them, to me it seems that people with money are always entitled to be intense, moody, and short with people who they don’t agree with. Well Im not someone who has time anyways for fighting, and that’s not what I work for, that’s not my goal in life, that’s not my purpose in life, to fight with anyone in any space, for the rest of my life. When you allow someone to aggravate you, that’s your body giving out on you, that’s you not liking who you are, that’s you not feeling good, and that’s you not happy with the way things look, and no one can help you out of that position in life, if you allow yourself to be convinced, that your life is hard, or unmanageable, or not worth living in the positive. And that’s exactly what they want, someone emotional, who complains, who cant think straight, is not positive, is not appreciative, is not loving, and that’s what makes people think that they are stronger than you, more deserving that you, and consider you the problem or a poor influence to the life of anyone who has ever been in your life, and that’s nothing you can fix, not being of value to anyone. So how did life used to be? I used to be happy, humorous, motivated, hardworking, driven, disciplined, I felt good about myself, I was at peace. I wanted to help others. I wanted to be supportive of others. I wanted to be able to get a job. I wanted to graduate. And what is the feeling like now. If I share about how Im feeling I become aggravated, my head hurts, I don’t feel good, I become unhappy. Im not proud of myself. I think I look stupid, I feel powerless, there is nothing I can do to change my life, I don’t feel like trying, I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know where to work. I don’t know where Im headed in the next 1-3 years. I don’t know if I’ll ever date again. I don’t know if Ill find love. I don’t know if I will be able to have a companion in life, I don’t know if Illl be able to work. All of these feelings are a result of allowing someone from your past to get through to you now, and cause you physical and mental illness, just feeling scared as to what they have left in them to do to you, to finish ruining your life, embarrassing you, making you look stupid, devaluing you, making fun of your choices in life, when you were obese 192 lbs, bipolar (hearing voices), self-harming, and not feeling good about yourself, and whos fault is that? No one ever convinces you that your nothing in life, its actually you allowing people to convince you you are nothing and not continuing to believe in yourself. You might not be for everyone, but that doesn’t mean stop living your life, and that’s why I continued to blog, not to be a startup, not to get 17 million fans, not to make money on site indices .com, not to be listed as a top blogger for some blurb about me, in the positive, its because it is my calling in life to help others, its how I feel best situated in life, doing something for someone else in life that I am not able to do for myself (make money), and its not for underserved status in life (to be famous). Im not strong enough to be famous, Im not strong enough to be a public speaker, Im not strong enough to handle lawsuit, and Im not strong enough to handle hate. Ive never been in a single fight in my entire life, but once you lose power its like all your decision making power is out of your control, then you get thrown into rehabs, then no one will date you, then you get labeled an addict, then you get treated like your mentally ill, and no one believes in your diagnosis, then think you don’t need geodone, they think youll feel good on adderral like its an upper, I have disability, I take naps on cocaine, it does the opposite to my mind and body, adderrall and cocaine makes me sleepy, it stops my thoughts from running in a negative direction, and stops me from thinking all together, Ive never had mood instability in any relationship, in any friendship, in any school, why all of a sudden now, am I made to feel sick by people hurt easily, if I photograph my body loses shape, my face loses shape, I didn’t deserve to go through all these physiological defects in life, not be able to recognize myself in a picture. I don’t hit on anyone, Im nice to everyone, I don’t need sex, Ive never not been laid, Ive never reported anyone or accused them of rape, or cheating, or playing me, Ive always gotten tested, since when is someones personal life (preferences, sexual history, or mental disability) anyones business, but my own, it seems when you concentrate on my life or my personal history that’s when I get made to not feel good about myself and get mental illness, that is not sound smart everything sounds personal, I sound stupid, I sound immature and I don’t make progress in life, and that’s treating someone as defective, mentally ill, moody, or not appreciative of the life they already had and have left to live. So someone explain to me, why is everyone being hard on me like Im not a woman. Im not gay, Im not the man to your equation, your first experience to your straight life, your pretend friend to make you feel tough or strong again, or the person to experiment with to make jealous, or see if I transition into someone fat or ugly or manly. There has got to be a better system of treating a woman like a woman, than treating her like shes gay!
#dontdodrugs: Whatever your reasons at the time are for being made to try drugs or to do drugs, none of those reasons are ever a good enough reason, to engage in any illegal substance use or abuse, anytime you engage in any unlawful activity with a substance that is not approved by law, you are doing something wrong, not only are you doing something wrong to your body, but as a consequence you will not be made to feel good about yourself, let alone feel good around others, it doesnt matter if people are doing drugs with you, in a movie, or in a song, it doesnt mean that that is your ticket to hot, or weight-loss, or feeling pretty, feeling good, or how to feel loved, its hard to be close to others when you do not feel good about yourself, drugs are the one thing that makes you think you are feeling good, when it actually makes you a less attractive to mate to others the more unstable you become, and if you are not stable and not feeling good about yourself, chances are you will not be able to date, or make anyone else feel good by what you are choosing to do to your body and to your brain, its not a replacement for love or feeling good, drugs is not the solution to whatever is missing from your life or not going well for you, it will always bring you down in life, and so long as you are the kind of person who is allowing themselves to be brought down in life, dont expect anyone to be there for you to lift you up, it will be you that has brought yourself down in life, and have become a difficult person to care for, to support, or to trust. #dontdodrugs Im now 16 years sober and clean from cocaine, which I went to rehab for 2007, at Boulder Community Hospital. I will always regret having tried cocaine, I dont think it was necessary having already been prescribed adderrall and was high functioning and on Deans List (on two adderralls a day and no night meds, a stay at home student, have lived alone my entire life 2004-2017, and have never had a problem with the law and have never been in a fight in my entire life, have always been independent, have never been raped, have never not had friends, have been taken advantage of only if I was out with friends drinking, which is probably a miscommunication to someone who started a conversation with me, and for me to talk to them, being up in life feeling good about myself and for that to have been misunderstood as for allowing someone to do me or have sex with me, which doesnt always make you feel good afterward, to have sex with someone you are not attracted to). Its not always your job to make others feel good, or to feel bad if you are not able to make someone feel good, its not your fault. Allow for feelings to be hurt, its better than you allowing for yourself to feel hurt with regret for allowing someone to use your body in order to them to feel good, and devalue yourself in that way. In your 20s, your a free spirit and you dont always think of the consequences of drinking or dating, and having casual sex, as you get older you become less inclined to live for the moment, and love so freely, thats after you have been hurt, and it may take you a long time to warm up to people, to be yourself around others, to talk freely, to be open to meeting new people, to be open to dating, and thats nothing that anyone should ever take personally when a woman decides to stop putting out, respect that decision, respect peoples reservations. As important as it may be for you to make some kind of a joke out of someones life who has self-harmed, convince them to self-harm or become suicidal because you think thats a good joke, be careful not to attempt to exercise a good use of humor (or inappropriate sense of humor on the subjects you may think are relevant overviewing the life of someone you deem unimportant to society) to make anyone not feel good about themselves or knowing of someone who's life was treated as a joke, not the anecdote to hate, disability, discrimination, violence, or whatever other ailments we have suffered from this far as a Country over the past year, thats not how you shine light on special interests, thats not how you calculate for solution for world peace, thats not the basis for which deals work or dont work, and thats not for any one person to decide or experiment with the good health of someone who has been open about their condition, has recently suffered from some amount of stress putting them at risk for heart attack and stroke, then making any abrupt decision to end their life for them, in the form of embarrassment, physical injury hurt and mental disability. #stophate Originally Posted 02-26-21
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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