What is the gift of communication? To me it means making sense. Although I am someone who does not feel good, self-harms, and may not make sense to anyone who does not think highly of me, that is something similarly I cannot change about them, what sounds smart to them, or what makes sense to them, or what feels good to them. I do not know the causes for what causes other people to act on good or bad feelings in life, or what causes a good feeling to be had. Some things are hard to hear. And this is where speaking to negatives matters. It is a condition that is sought, played out loud, or a visual representation created that you speak about, that causes a bad feeling to be had, that’s speaking to negatives. It doesn’t matter therefore whether something is easy to read or understand, if something wrong is said, that can be felt by the reader, something off, or something that doesn’t make sense, or something incomplete sounding. A writer arrives to a well thought, that is if the writing is comprised of good thoughts, a later piece of mind, makes sense that either ties together the writing as a whole, or gives a deeper insight to the piece of writing as stated. And sometimes things don’t add up or make sense, its all about what you are thinking, while you are reading, and what is being said, and what is causing you to think thoughts about a writing, that I cannot control, what is thought prior to me writing, and what is thought after me writing. And this is when writings get judged in timing, what is said, and how the next piece is written, whether that’s my condition changed, or whether that’s with expectation of what is thought having written what was wrote, stated in a way to create a condition now of slow, of course I would not say things to cause myself to be slow, or to have a headache, or to lose my train of thought, and write with gaps in my writing, or not feel good as written. That must mean I have said something wrong, or said too much of something, with assumption of what was done or what the thinking was behind what was done to me, as though I deserved to be treated that way in public. And this is where pain sets in, its having addressed a concern, and then speaking to that concern, without solution provided, as though what was already being said was beating around the bush, or purposefully not calling attentions to issues, that mattered to me, and need not be publicly stated, pinned against in life, the mind of someone who causes harms to others. I don’t think that punching my head is the solution to my problems, and I understand that my head will hurt whether or not I punch my head, once Ive had enough in life, that is “inner turmoil” also known as “chemical imbalance” which causes me to self-harm, which is neither the product of my surroundings, nor serves as a reflection of who is in my life, watched by me or others, stalking for connection, or change to my surroundings or to the people in my life, lose light. No one can walk you through the pain of misunderstanding and back, by the time you arrive to a weller state of mind, or to a weller condition of people around you, it will have been too late by then to talk to everyone, that is when you become a source of pain to the lives of others difficult to talk to. That is a condition that no one understands or comprehends in hurting you, changing you from that moment on, living life, not returning back to the condition you were in, not assuming anyone was hurting you, not anticipating why you were being hurt, and not understanding why you were being hurt and for what reasons embarrassed in public. There is a such thing as unwanted attentions in life, that is for people to be drawn to you based upon a necessity to feel good or to see clear, without you being able to achieve the same for yourself. And that is the condition I was placed in, while others may be feeling good, I don’t feel good. And that’s a forced set of circumstances, someone who comes into your life, who just wants to be written about from their perspective through your body and through your mind and words. And that is how an unwanted connection occurs, something changed about you, that causes others to question you or become silent to you, and not be able to look at you, that’s something that has changed about you, that makes it uncomfortable for others to be around you. That’s looking at you, and not knowing you, or being a stranger to people you know. That means that something bad has happened to you, why you are difficult to look at, and everyone acts like a stranger to you. Past the point of acceptance, a changed and noticeable condition may occur, when something is obviously wrong and its possible that you don’t know what is wrong. That is when others are more well than you, looking at you, can tell that there is something wrong with you, a noticeable rejection, or ignoring you. When the mind stops, that’s when it hurts the head to think about, when something you’ve done or said does not make sense, when intuitively your words do not process or register with another, if not in tune with what another is thinking or looking for, and if you experience difficulty communicating what you are trying to say, and cannot reach a point of cohesion or make sense yourself while speaking, that’s forgetting a good thought, or thinking something and not remembering what was thought upon reflecting on what was written, and that’s how thoughts are lost. And that’s how later thoughts are stated, that do not make better sense of what has been said, and that’s running on a good feeling, once you start talking again, and let go of what was lost in your train of thought, or thought about, and don’t return back to thinking about, that’s thinking a new thought. New thoughts occur sometimes, such as now, when you depart from what was being said that was difficult to communicate, and then the sense you were able to make by communicating, allows you to achieve a better mindset afterward, that’s having read what was written, and to the best of your ability communicated what was said, and no more thoughts come to mind to better articulate what it is you are saying, that doesn’t mean that you have done a good job saying what was needed to be said, and that’s how the voice of your opposition speaks through you, the clarity they arrived to having harmed you, and with expectation of you arriving to a moment of clarity, and sharing that clarity with them, called peace. Who is the creator of that clarity in your life, is it people? Who is the creator of your feelings of safety and wellness? You. Who affects your ability to think clearly? Others. No, you control your clarity of thoughts, regardless of what is thought about you, and regardless of what comes to mind in another upon looking at you, those are their thoughts about you, and so long as you turn a blind eye to others watching you for reaction to see if they can be heard through you, that is how you empower the voice of another to be heard through you. That is not how a speaker is made, that is not how an interpreter is made, that is not how a listener is made, that is not how a lawyer is made, that is not how an advocate is made, and that is not how a victim is made, and that is not how an offender is made, via the loss of stability in ones life, the loss of positivity in feeling apart of, or due to the loss in respect to a family caused by a loss of respect to me, that has affected everyone, with or without me knowing it or seeing it. And that’s when things have been taken too far, that’s creating a problem in understanding, that’s creating problems in comprehension, and that’s creating problems where non existed. And here we are again, at a headache, not feeling good, with no solution, and not making sense. This is both a caused condition of not feeling good, and a negative result of allowing someone into my life who did not love me, and only wanted to be written about. As though I have anything negative to say about anyone, as though I run on negatives, or as though Im supposed to rise to a grander occasion in life, and expected to feel good as pronounced. This is how unwanted impressions are made, that is composites of what you think over my mind as communicated through me, or trying to blow up insights in others upon seeing me, expect me to speak to, as though I am not intelligent, and make me a product of other peoples thoughts or what they have to see, to challenge me as to whether I am able to speak on behalf of my audience, who respectfully does not want to see me nude, and doesn’t care to see me nude. And that is challenging the basis for attraction, whether its my face, my mind, my body, or my identity that causes Men to have liked me present or past, and then hurt my condition, by hurting my image online, then cause me to punch my head, so that no one is attracted to me. This presents a source of discomfort, that is me not feeling good, and he probably feeling uncomfortably better about himself, having done this to me, watching me over the past 8 years suffer, lose 50lbs, then become obese, after having been punished slept on concrete for 14 hours in jail, for text messaging past a court order default judgment I did not attend on meds, because I called my Attorneys Office and no one responded to represent me in a Civil Matter. I was the person who people were just waiting for an excuse to attack, like being served at McDonalds a white envelop thrown in my car window into my lap, like I deserve it. If you don’t want to respond to Gun Violence, then don’t, and if that is why I was sued, then don’t now situate me in a fight, to be a fight about something that happened 2016, no one cared to talk to me about, no one cared to help me with, and no one cared to respond to me, as though Im supposed to figure things out on my own, and this is where there is no shared sense of pride. Like Im working for those who ignored me, or those who rejected me, or those who did not want to help me, and that then presents a source of discomfort to them and to all, presented by someone who treated me aggressively, put me down in life, and said things to me, to watch me then F up in life, or say things to cause me to F up in life, and insult me and my family, like they are expected to fight to these issues that others had with me, not their responsibility. Its not a fight, Gun Violence advocacy is not a fight, and fighting me does not cause Gun Violence, and if that what was being tested for, putting lives in jeopardy, then that explains why I am writing so much now, and why Gun Violence stopped, maybe I wasn’t saying enough, and wasn’t taking it far enough, and wasn’t saying exactly what was feared, or needed to be said.
Follow-up: I am not doing well now in a lot of pain, I understand not to fantasize about people, or to have an idealized view of a match, to either match in real life, or to not match at all, stay home. I think talking about the past is not helpful, and only subjects me to harm, that is not proper, or the right thing to do, to talk about the past at this point in time. Im sorry for liking someone, who did not like me, and Im sorry for anything I have written that has caused for others to lose respect for me. I understand that I am not strong enough to combat hate, if I cannot even stay well mental health wise, that must mean that I am not fit to be an influencer, or someone in pain who cannot help others. (10-12-20) I am sorry. I understand now, having been proven sick, that self-harm and suicide is not the correct response to being made fun of in public, I understand that if I choose to live life I can live life, but not if I am self-harming, that will only make things worse. I have done my best, and I am sorry if I do not sound well now, or do not sound smart, and am not doing a good job speaking, called 911. Obviously things are not going well for me mental health wise, and not strong enough for a fight.