Something Time Cannot Solve ...
If you’ve ever been situated worse off in life, then you would understand the feeling, a feeling that cannot be reversed, and that’s what mental health issues feel like, its not a feeling you fight, or a condition that you can out run, or beat, it feels most like a situation you get placed in then you then have to get yourself out of, whether through your own means, discipline, believed or not believed to be true about you, and that’s something you cannot solve, what brings you to your knees in life, what makes you not feel confident, that’s not something that forgiveness is for, a mental disability, its not your fault, and no one knows how that happens, it could be because of a respect for you lost, a reaction that you have had, and so long as there is a miscommunication of interests, that you cannot get through on your own, no one can help you past the point of you not being well not doing well and that’s not for argument. You can do your best to be open and honest about what you’ve been through that will not make you a stronger person in the long run, what you are made to feel shamed by, not strong by, or faced with a tremendous amount of difficulty, that no pen pal, can help you through, that’s not just self-harm, or feeling like giving up in life, or not winning with the people, that’s something that cannot be changed about you, an outlook or a feeling, feeling proud of yourself, which takes years to achieve and a second to be diminished to smitherines, your reptuation, by a bunch of grose portrayals of you in the negative, to shame you a slut, a herbivoire, whatever herb on the shelf declares you game for intolerance. So singing may be a grandiose way of proving my femininity, I don’t think making a child will show that Im a woman either, nor will self-love, or admiration for another woman, who is strong and doing well a better demonstration of what it means to be a woman. So I may not have a beautiful husband, or a beautiful family, but that doesn’t mean that my life is devoid of love, that doesn’t mean that Im fit for the military, to be taken off all meds, and go to basic training, that doesn’t mean that I have to go to a 30 day mental health facility, to be treated for defamation, public humiliation, and self-harm. All I have to do, is not self-harm (which means hitting my head) there I said it, I punch my head, and I don’t know why, and I don’t know why I am made to feel that way about myself or what is causing others to become unhappy with me, or not made proud by me. And that’s something that no writing, can get me out of, a condition in which I am physically giving up, gaining weight, losing my beauty, feeling chubby, and not feeling good about myself, call it obesity, who knew that obesity was a problem in California. So what can be done, you can acknowledge all the moments in which you were ever made to question yourself, and be kind to the deductions that others have keeping a tab on what is working for you or not working for you, and let them come up with their own equation for what suits you best to be called whether you agree to it or not. I have never flirted in my entire life, maybe I have been made to love people, and maybe that was a mistake to ever grow a concern for another that I have tried to fix myself, by working hard, or being a good example of someone who is balanced and disciplined, and that will not last forever, not if you stop doing what is working for you in life, and start listening to the criticisms of others. Blogging is not an easy job, but I don’t think that I am fit to work a real job, I have applied and I am now getting interviews and getting jobs, but there will always be something wrong with me, and its not that I am hard on myself its that others are hard on me for some reason, and maybe that much I will never understand about life, the causes for you to be made to backtrack, thinking that you have wasted years of your life, in some kind of addiction or mental illness that you could not solve on your own or ever turned to alcohol as the solution, to me alcohol or misuse or abuse of substances makes you dumber, and in the finer sense, brings out the worst in you, the type of emotions that make you cry, or want to tear your insides out, and rip your face off, which explains why I don’t drink, if youre not a happy drunk then don’t drink, and if you cry everytime you drink then don’t drink, call it depression, the sad emotions that break you on the inside, and test to see what youre really made out of, heroism, or insult, and that’s that. For everytime you overreact, you set a standard assumption of you, that there is something within you that cannot be controlled, reasoned with or understood, comprehended, and if there is something like that going on inside of you, then its not something you should talk about, it may not be you being heated with anyone but if someone is heated with you, it just means that they don’t like something about you, they seek to bring out in you, on paper, in words, on your face or to your body, that’s how they know what youre about, what creates you a sense of peace, what causes you weight gain, dishevelment, or lack of intelligence, we cannot impress everyone, there will always be something about us, in the performance of our duties in life, that will more or less situate us, worse off or better off than others, and its all about how you control your temper, whether you make things about others, or you take responsibility for your own setbacks in life. Im 35 years old, Im past the point of marriage and children, and past the point of a career to have a company of my own or to create jobs for others, which means either I have devalued myself and not considered a profitable investment, or I am not strong enough to help create success for anothers company by working for them, and to attract positive attentions, as a member to their company. There are some things you cant change about life, who you were before you became famous, a “public figure,” and who you are now after being a “public figure,” where you are at now emotionally, and maybe none of that will change for you unpon disclosure, maybe you will not be made to feel better about yourself through dating and that’s totally okay, we cant princess everyone, or prince everyone, eventually you reach a stopping point of benefit being handed to whoever is in your company, expects to be made to feel a certain way by having you in their lives, and the point at which that benefit stops, is the point of complaint. What can be done once people complain that they are not made to feel better by you or special, what can be done in order for you to feel better, so that others do not complain that they are not made to feel good by you, how well do you need to be, how strong do you need to be, how compliant do you need to be (taking as prescribed), how much rest do you need to take, and what can be done?
Its for these reasons, I have considered not blogging, its been my only job for about two years now, I never intended to suddenly do well, or to suddenly not do well, to suddenly feel good, and then suddenly be made to not feel good about myself, but you continue on in life, in spite of all those setbacks, and poor choices, which includes what you choose to do in the privacy of your own free time, who you communicate to, and what about. It seems that even if you keep things light and commercial, they still complain, if there is ever a void that is needed to be filled, you will not be able to fill that void on messenger, and that’s the lesson, you have to be that person in real life, to be that person for anyone, in private, and that’s the lesson when it comes to relationships, no if ands or butts about it. So while it may not be a big deal to you being trashed online, but is a big deal to me, and did not handle that well, it’s a mistake you live with self-harm, (being made to punch your head), I would never communicate in a sexual way online, or subject anyone to be made to be attracted to me on the basis of something having to do with my physical health, that’s not what Im training for, and Im not training for the downs either, or public humiliation and embarrassment, I don’t think anyone is strong enough to handle that. And that’s also not what Im talking to the courts for, its either I fix the condition, or if enough people are made to not be happy with me, or see me as improved, then I go to the hospital, for some reason what were a few isolated incidences past with no free writing, some how became some votable public issue, that you can be ganged up on in life for and about and I don’t think that’s completely fair either. So do your best to represent yourself well, don’t attract negative attentions to yourself, you are responsible for yourself and your neighborhood, and its really no ones fault what caused a loss of respect for me, and I also do not think its necessary that I suffer too for having a pen pal, who did not appreciate me, or caused me mental illness (punching my head). Which is why I have a new pen pal (who is a US Supreme Court Judge) to keep me alive, not to cause me self-harm or any feelings of suicide, which occurs when you don’t feel good about yourself, and blogging is not how you feel good about yourself, you feel good about yourself, by being a good person, not by arguing with people, or losing jobs, over the status of your mental health, be made to feel like you are doing anything wrong, that’s not a fight you can win, who is well or who is not well, who is in the right, or who is in the wrong, and that’s not what this blog is for. #stopsuicide
Originally Posted 03-16-21
Leave a Reply.