Personal Update ...
I think Im going to take a break from blogging, for the time being, and focus on my health. Its clear that in order to blog, I need to maintain a steady regime of walking everyday, long distance running, focus on weight-loss staying positive, be more at peace with myself my past and anything going on recently for me, which shouldn't require too much unnecessary explanation. This is not what I wanted to happen for any reason, for things to get worse, for any suicides to occur, I dont think that I make the best role model but its been my experience in IOP and group therapy sessions, that people have been vocal about their experiences, the only difference is that online, there is no signed confidentiality agreement, and not everyone is required to respect you, or not judge you, or not talk about your condition, in a way thats not beneficial to your health. Just because Im blogging or have been hospitalized past doesnt mean it was ever my fault for experiencing bipolar symptoms. I think I improved a lot, I never did not expect to ever get sick again, or slow down, or not feel good about myself, I think there is always a chance for being hurt upon being close to anyone for any given amount of time, and Ive never had to apologize in public so many times, if Ive ever been hurt, and for me not to feel the same way I did about life after having to disclose. So Im not sure what kind of regret Im being faced with in life. Which is why it was so important for me to write articles, to cite, to be professional, to learn blogging, continue my education, share my progress, my goals in life, and to me that was an exciting life to follow someone who is working toward being a better person, stetting goals, and being able to achieve goals in life, not in any stuck state of any amount of disagreement in life. So I plan to continue reading, move forward, not allow myself to become aggravated, do my best to avoid sharing anything "psychiatric" than can be solved with a medication adjustment. And just do my best to write from a different place in life emotionally, not a place in which I dont feel good about myself, and be able to speak from a place, where I look back, and wonder I cant believe I felt that way, or wonder why I sounded so immature, be strong again, not so weak emotionally, not so bothered, and be my confident self again. What I need to work on.
I need time to focus on, why I am presently not able to work, whats not working out for me in life, what I feel confident in, whats putting me at odds (voices), what I need to overcome (mental health wise), figure out where my voice is coming from, who I am connected to, who I am speaking for, whats going on within me, see my psychiatrist, get a better understanding of whats making it difficult to talk to people, how Im addressing my audience, what is causing me instability, when things feel like its a good day, when I am not sounding well or sound like Im having a good day, what does a bad day feel like, why am I sometimes able to speak fluidly, what is slowing me down, where do my ideas come from, how am I able to say something original and helpful, what is interfering with my ability to sound smart, what do I want in life, where do I think I belong in life, what will make me happy, what do I need in life to make me happy, who should I share love with, why I am not speaking well on my blog, why does everything sound like talking, why do I not sound professional, what is it that others have against me, whats so not cool about me, what is what is expected from me, whats a good attitude in life?
Originally Posted 02-26-21
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