Have not been feeling well, have not been able to call in and continue doing work at the new job that approved of me. Have been having difficulty blogging and feeling good. I am doing my best to speak intelligently. There are too many things to keep track of in terms of solution provided, and then be able to continue doing well, and not be made to not like myself or feel sick, its become very complicated for me to understand the reasons for which I am not liked, or not able to make others feel good or be accepting of me. Its not my fault I dont feel good, I did my best to take good care of myself over the past 4-8 years, improving, finished law school in the capacity that I was able in an MSL legal research and writing degree, its not my fault Im burnt out, mentally, trying to manage symptoms of bipolar, and also speak well online, so that my image is appreciated, so that I am not treated as someone who is doing better than others, or is out and about or applying for jobs in order to do better than I was doing which was doing well blogging online. All I wanted was to have a companion in life, its clear to me that I dont match easily with everyone, that there is something about me that is not well or not consistent, and it starts with my writing, the energy that I feel in return for something I have said. Life has become more and more complicated for no reason, which occurs when not everyone respects you or values you or is interested in you. If blogging is not a solution to my mental health issues, then it will have been a painful use of time to have written without pay, and then be made to not feel good about myself, and about my progress, which breaks my heart, along with not being able to share conversations or love with anyone, and be too hard to love, or be around, so thats disappointing myself, and also not doing well, whether by something I have said or because of something someone else has said, or because of what was done to me, or whether I allow myself to be hurt, whether I subject myself to hurt, or whether my story was never not inspiring or helpful at one point, and now wondering why if Im not famous, what is the energy coming from me at this moment in time, apart from everyone, that makes me sick, or not feel good, throwing up, and Im not sure what can be done if Im not feeling well physically, not running/walking everyday as I used to, being sedentary stuck in bed all day, and also do my best not to allow my condition, changed condition, to affect my output, what I have to say about my life, not sound like Im fighting for my life, or being combative, or too sensitive, and if I self-harm that breaks my heart, thats hurts me physically, that does not solve or cure voices, bullying, or change the effect that anyone has on me in life, which is all positive, so if I dont feel well, that means that I need to find people in life to connect with who make me feel well, and make sure that they are who they say they are, and be present and able to talk in therapy, about things that are relevant at the moment, be able to think about what is working for me what is not working for me and why Im not feeling well right now, after visiting all the doctors and being interviewed at the ER, I have no idea why Im in pain.
Originally posted 02-22-21
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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