Not Knowing It All ...
Living in the public eye is not an easy concept to comprehend and to live through. As you get older you realize you were being watched or looked to, without even knowing it. And sometimes its not until later in life, you realize the significance of your experiences in life, and the expectations of you in life, as a representative of those experiences in life. You don’t have to have your life planned out in order to be a person of importance one day, that is someone with a paycheck, who is able to work and take care of others in life. You just have to live a good life. When reality hits sometimes its to cause us to realize things in life, others thought we didn’t see, or come to accept a fact about ourselves, we never saw ourselves as. And that’s life, sometimes you are in the moment, making things happen for yourself in life, and sometimes life is happening around you, and youre not apart of the action. That’s watching life happen, or life happening to you. We don’t all handle problems the same, and we don’t all address problems in the same manner. Some of us more vocal than others, when it comes to supporting a cause, or trying to make a positive difference in the lives of others, through work related activities. Then there is blogging, a step below all standards when it comes to public speaking, seen as somewhat of a joke, the more passionate you are about life, or causes for that matter, including sharing what you think. I think depending upon where you come from in life, others may see you public speaking as a joke, a manifestation of what privileges you have been afforded in life, not be seen as someone speaking from a peoples point of view, or assume its from a point of view geared politically in support of others past or presently, or just yourself. When you get treated as a source of embarrassment, that really causes one to think about life, their purpose in life, and what it is they are doing with their life. What is embarrassment? According to psychologytoday.com, “embarrassment is a response to something that threatens our projected image but is otherwise morally neutral.”  To me morally neutral means does not offend the senses of another, whether that’s in comprehension of whats gone wrong, or upon hearing about, does not similarly cause discomfort to anyone overhearing about a situation. Some conditions are laughable in life, and I think that is what the purposes of making fun of people is for, whether that’s in a loving way referenced to, or for the purposes of causing another discomfort, to see how they look or appear, not knowing what things are about, and things being about them, react and respond to others, operating on a different playing field in life, or non-respect for the other, or seeing the other as stupid, that’s being talked about in life, a conversation apart from you, that leave you out of the equation, and looked at for observation, or for ignoring, as unimportant. Then there is shame, which psychologytoday.com identifies as a feeling in “response to something that is morally wrong or reprehensible.”  What does that mean to me? It means a behavior or action that is not in congruence to what is tolerable by a well-mannered society to see or know about, an unacceptable condition of terms, which society is never forced to comprehend or know about to circumvent their understandings of reality, or significance of events in time and reactions by known parties who responded. According to this article, “Shame arises from measuring our actions against moral standards and discovering that they fall short.”  According to this definition, its by comparing our own standards against the standards of another, that causes one to feel shame, which to me means jealously, not feeling as good as, or feeling incompetent, or not as able as, that to me results from a lack of an ability to be happy for others, to accept the condition of others as is, or trying to change to accommodate the conditions of what is expected. -Before I started writing this post I was thinking about the difference between people putting people down in life, when others get made fun of, when people get made fun of in a loving way, and when someone gets put down in a condescending way, occurring when someone gets to know you, and in front of others treat them as a source of embarrassment. I was the only one who flew to DC after a series of School Shootings to appear in person in front of the US Supreme Court, and if that’s a joke to you, or a source of embarrassment, than I was not there for you, or to quell your questions or concerns with regards to what was going wrong at the time not apart of. I don’t think that Shootings or School Shootings were intended to bite into bigger concepts in terms of creativity and representation of facts or people in society. Sometimes its not until later in life when you become a public figure, that you get calculated into equations upon being known to all, whether things past were about you, until now things seem to be about you, while reading or watching the work of others, see resemblance to ones candor exhibited by others, or in ones character or standpoint, as represented by someone other than me, seeming to be about me. And that’s the shocking part, seeing someone, an not accepting them as they are, and seeking to change their condition, or their behavior, or image, to present a different feeling about them. I will tell you this, I have worked hard my entire life, and never in my life have I not taken anyone seriously in life, or treated someone as less than, never have I ignored someone, or not responded to anyone, seen myself as above anyone in life, or treated anyone in my life as experiment. For some reason, just because you are known, you get studied in life, and in studying you in life, think have a better understanding of reality, facts, circumstances, or ramifications of me speaking think that my understandings in life run counter to other accepted representations of me by others. That is pinning me against experts in life, that’s pinning me against others in life, and that pinning me against Women in life as compared, and that’s pinning me against Men in life, to discuss a male problem out loud, and then treat me as though I have Male problems, to shed light upon other concepts with regards to School Shootings, as though attachment to music is an unreasonable connection, or founded upon an irrational basis to someone accused as being responsible for the voice or music listened to blamed for the first School Shooting. That’s an unwanted comparison, to make fun of me, how I take care of myself, then treat me as someone with gender identity issues, that causes discomfort to others, gamble with my image, to see if it is possible for me to be a cause of gun violence, if I look like someone who caused gun violence past, or exhibit issues he exhibited being sexual in a music video dressed as a Woman. Please don’t hurt me, or ask for nude photos to make a Marilyn Manson, Marilyn Monroe joke, and make fun of my life as lived, just to hear the sweet sound of two names being stated by one. That is to say that what things were made to look like, was seen by me, and offense taken to an unreasonable extent, as though that was appropriate to make fun of me presently, and then after being made fun of in public respond, in defense of others to School Shootings, not having been about for the same reasons, then blame me, as though I was the speaker online 2011, whos voice or concerns shared were the cause of Gun Violence, put me down in life, as though I was mentally ill as a law student, or that its not okay for me to share online, if its not MLK quality. That’s an unwanted cartooning of my identity, claim title to generating that inference about me, or about others, treat others as though they should know, or as though I spoke to others, receive any pardons or special privileges in life, I don’t. I have to do everything on my own, write, research, apply for jobs, work, make connections in life, make friends, all while everyone treats me as stupid, as though I have not worked hard and mean well in life, and that’s where the difficulty lies, others trying to mean well by hurting me for reactions and pushing me over the edge in life, and then treat me as though I am guilty, or have not done right in life to help prevent School Shootings, and have not done the research, or as though that’s not apart of my understandings about life to prevent. Treat me as garbage online, as though I don’t matter. I don’t think I need to matter to Kids, unless you make me matter, and if you publish nude photos of my on Facebook that’s to make me matter to those on the mental health hashtag in an unlikeable and offensive way. Including posting funeral photos with photos of me presently in bra and underwear and ask for more photos to present me in a grose way, as though Im supposed to identify with nude models or sex issues, as though I have sex issues of my own. I don’t have sex issues, I stopped having sex 2014, that was a choice not to engage in sexual activity with any human beings. And it is because of who I like or have courted since, that I get treated as reject, that is seeing me single, or without friends, or companionship, treated as someone without love, trashable. I have a job, I have a website, and its not for anyone to hurt me, or to take away my ability to write, and to not hold me to standards of negative judgment just to hear me speak to what was thought, or what others are thinking now, to see if I am connected to who is reading. Who is reading is connected to what is said, and to their own lives, and what is thought is based upon exposure drawn to, that is what you are thinking, think about, and then find what it is you are thinking about, something that matches what you are thinking, and sometimes that is how matches are made, to something that is said, and later researched found on point with what was being thought or said, and sometimes you have to write what you are thinking without use of reference to things that have been said, and that’s not now nor never a source of drive to be in competition to other peoples readings of events and what was communicated then need to read into things that people have said or think were about me or my experiences in life, communicated to all. I understand that if there is a pandemic, the first person to respond to should be a political figure to hear what they have to say such as the President. Then there are later calls to actions by Private Organizations led by people with years experience accepting people as they are, and supporting society as it is, not be held responsible for Gun Violence. Then there is now, where someone who created a website in support of Brady is being questioned as whether one is able to prevent Gun Violence, or whether someone is acting in a way that misrepresents the values of a Private Organization in their efforts to stop Gun Violence. I think I have done my best in public, I do not think that my private life is as orderly as my public persona, I think in private I continue to be treated as stupid and tested in life, I do not think its appropriate to be treated as Fraud, I have met with the President of Brady, my hashtag was approved by her #bloggingcampaign, and I registered the music hashtag with my Corporation Papers in the State of California, so that they would not be blamed for Gun Violence, as victims of Gun Violence, that was so that Music could produce absent minded feeling being put to blame or shame for the quality of their work product speak to whatever they want to speak to in life as they should be for the people, not about sides. And now My Corporation is listed on IMDb, that is to support the creation of work product that can work in avoidance of non-stated issues fought about, or sources of disagreement over acceptances in life, when it comes to my identity, what was or was not about me, or created in reference to me past. (This is an example of a problem being alluded to, that isnt a problem now, to be hurt, and forced to speak about a problem that no longer exists, with risk of the problem happening again as mentioned, to argue against me claim that its upon stating a problem that a problem occurs, like suicide, thats not true, just like all imbalances, a chemical imbalance is what causes suicide, left untreated, and with regards to Gun Violence, it is not my place to state where the lost sense of pride and tolerance for living life has occurred and why, and then think about or state, what is working, without knowing what is working, put me at risk of harm, make me seem like Im the negotiator, and treat me as a failure if Gun Violence happens, say that Im not doing a good job, under attack personally, Im doing the best job I can do online, and if my job or line of work writing is not appreciated, its to devalue me, to say that I make no difference, or that everything was to make fun of me, as though I have not made a positive difference). I cant tell you one thing, if there is no sense of pride or established set of standards or facts to go by, then there would be no ammunition for others to go off by in life, making fun of me, or casting blames toward me, as though Ive not done a good job representing myself or my ideas in life, helped make it possible for me to have a life, and to speak online, by doing the right things in life. I report constantly to LAPD and tell them where I am at and what I am thinking, and I call the Courts when in need to explain what it is Im thinking or feeling, thats so they can make better decisions when it comes to caring for and protecting us all. If thats not a solution or proper response or answer to your misunderstandings about me, push, pry, and heckle me in life, as though I deserve it or should be held responsible for the acts of terrorism made by others, its not my fault, I was not a contributory factor in their hate toward us, and I was not a contributory factor in Gun Violence toward others, and there are your statements as stated, to then attack me by, and thats how a fight happens, and thats how a fight continues, and thats how a fight doesnt end, its not until you say something that speaks to what they are thinking provided by you, so that they feel as though they have won, and then that hurts the stability of others, not wanting to hear what cannot be fixed or prevented, thats bringing the people or my audience into a discussion, without providing a solution to a problem, existing by one, who seeks to make me look stupid, to blame me for everything under the moon he sees fit, without knowing me and how hard I have worked for 8 years in order to speak now clearly. Thats not in avoidance of issues or problems, thats by directly stating what I care about, what matters to me, and sharing what I think in regards to what is going well, without criticizing negativity, negative judgements, or negative viewpoints of my life, or my purpose in life, make things about defenses in life, and not allow me to live life free from harm, ridicule, or embarrassment cause to say that an outer fight is about me, or to cause a fight to be about me, create problems where non exist.
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