Once you are misrepresented, that loss of control is what sparks internal discord, that makes you not sound like yourself, and after all the progress you have made, no one probably expects me to be perfect but would have probably preferred me to stay in a mode that was general learning how to blog and sharing tutorials, which takes work, and a lot of effort to learn and then teach back, I don’t think making use of a well made website for other purposes would be of a benefit to me or others. I think it was something that has affected me self-harm, and maybe something someone new did not see coming, or was not afraid to interrupt my progress, and that’s then speaking through me to represent another, so that they appear well and I don’t appear well, so that’s saying things in a way with recognition for where someone else is coming from, and probably explaining them better than anything they have done or said to communicate their support of me, which cannot last indefinitely, so when you begin saying things in the wrong, it could be that someone else is being helped, but never give up in life, and if it is a big deal that’s not me being dramatic, so please understand that Im not a machine, that’s cerebral, or trained in law school to speak for an indefinite period of time in a way that does not cause me internal conflict or another for that matter, who cannot be proven right and who also does not need to be proven right via me suffering or failing, so that’s why blogging continued and I did not hospitalize myself, and probably how self-harm occurred that’s not not liking those who are portrayed in that way, its that I cannot be portrayed in that way because I have gotten in trouble, therefore I cannot be sexual with anyone who does not like me, and if Im made to perform and then get tired that was me doing my best, that love was not given to another willingly, its another trying to convincing you or a life you already have that they claim to be able to provide to you, and its your shoes they get to stand in with pictures of you to make you look like you offend others and are sexual with people, that is why I will not have sex for the rest of my life, I think my life is too important, the lives of others are too important, and nows not a good time for heartbreak, and that was not a fun experience, and while it may have affected me talking about it, or setting a boundary online will not make things better, it only justifies me being attacked, as though I am complaining ever about the love that was given to me that I appreciated no matter what it looks like to others, was not as painful as my private life being made known to have looked any differently, communication wise, you are either well and someone accepts you for what happened to you, or people lose respect for you based upon what your pictures look like not seeing your one moment of pride requested for, thought sent to another or for the purposes of someone wanting to have sex with you who has already had sex with you, there are no advanced courses in dating, its some people just want to see what you look like to decide whether or not they are attracted to you and that’s how men are and Im okay with that, and any questioning of my sexuality, occurred when in a loving relationship thinking that I was something that I was not, and if you ever think about being gay and disclose that you have thought about it, it wont actually happen not if you become sick or have mental health issues then no one will be happy with you because you will not be good for what they need to make them feel better, why its important to always be strong, and that’s not to overpower the interests of anyone, I was not raised to be someone who can be relied upon, or not able to be myself, as though Im not able to take care of another I was not raised to live a fast life or take chances, or be experimental with my health or the health of others, that’s something you experience in your younger years, but by college is too late to party and same with law school, it generally brings out the worst in you, where you could have still had all your friends, and been in all the clubs had you not experimented with your health, and me later thinking I was gay, was not to cover for an issue experienced by anyone who introduced me to cocaine, that’s not coverage, to inherit a position to protect a position and that’s not innate, that’s being affected by losses and be careful with how you live your life, as others may come to view things differently, and its no one fault whenever there is disappointment, which is why my dance major friend who is open and who I did not hook up with, supported the hashtags I was promoting out of the goodness of her heart, she lives in a stronger town, and smiles in every photo lives a good life, and that’s what friendship is for, not to talk about your years growing up, and Ive never purposefully not tried to remember the best years of my life, I think things got complicated when you return to a state that you don’t have friends in and I did not anticipate that going out and making friends, would be the very factors that would cause people to not like me or think I was a slut, that’s when pictures in your diary get examined, in a picture with someone with a record, who you did not have sex with, who was released upon your senior year and were not the friendly freshman you were when you had no friends and played video games with them. So now its whats your story and matching words with my story to think that people lives lives matching my story or were subjected to intimidation by my story, I think I was always well in law school, I think you either focus on school, date, have friends, play club soccer, go to the gym, drink, or get good grades taking yourself seriously, and that’s the difference between being comfortable at school to not doing well and not participating and not getting good grades, means that you weeded yourself out and that’s okay. For whatever its worth whoever did or did not know my story, its never been a sad story, and have never talked about people from my life, to subject anyone to being known who did not want to be known people never knew me that closely to size me up, Ive never had anyone not be okay with me, and people are only not okay with you if your weird talking to yourself and that’s not how you present yourself in public, half gone, so Im sorry. What will restore the faith of whoever has been affected will not to being up how things were during a period of disconnect, so the purpose of being online was to curtail the chances of a loss, or feel situated at odds with anyone, be affected by anothers experiences in life as a law student, which were not sad until there were losses, then everyone called me, and then I spoke online and Im sorry if I got upset that’s no one fault, for the majority of the time I was sharing my story peacefully, not with the knowledge that others were making stories and songs, you cant control the world, and that much you have to sit with, how people saw things based on where you were in life, and how the facts or identities known as being in a newsworthy place “law school” put additional pressure on me or others to perform and no one can handle the pressure of being watched or apart of any causes that others do not view as being strong for the right reasons throwing the heat for OJ, and that’s how you lose your confidence in life, maybe it was about me being strong and the designated driver, so that people like those I care about and who are okay with me, would not be subjected to any difficulties in life, that’s not them being strong because they feel like theyre to blame, that’s them having moved on as being responsible having been my friends and then me having been laid on nights out with friends, which should not happen if you are connected to people, please just move forward, I was never out of control, I have been out a few times, and if you get hit on, be playful with them, you don’t need to have sex with anyone who like or who sticks out to you, that’s not being a woman, that’s being grose, and then everyone hears about it, and thinks your grose, so going to another law school wasn’t trying to look smart or identify a problem, if I was smart and someone else is doing better, that’s why he was the only one talking to me when I got an A, and didn’t say a word, and was getting As on all the papers and what was said was exactly what I had written, and then Westlaw made a new law, and she mentioned did anyone notice they made a new law, it got complex because what was written was stated in lecture, so the later book graph was not to say that I identified myself as being harmed or communicated to to see if I recognize or identify a case that’s not been taught to me, and then think that way, I also wasn’t a TA teachers assistant for the class and didn’t teach others, because I was not taught anything in the TA classes I was told to attend. Everyone new was nice to me, so its not about insensitivities I can maintain privacy with those I am among Im proud of people who go to law school its very difficult, and challenging, you have to be able to memorize a lot of information, and that’s an experience to enjoy, and with mental health issues is why I left, and probably should not have dated someone from another school, so that was my mistake, we both box we had something in common. Hes a good person, and when monogamous did not talk to anyone, as asked about by my then boyfriend, I couldn’t even Karaoke and sang a Prince song, something me and only my class knew, whos passing Im sure scared everyone, a positive experience which someone could’ve heard or maybe I could’ve sang to let them know that they have done a good job and that we love them too and wish they were still here with us today.
Im friends with that teacher on Facebook, so please leave things alone, if youre not well, you have to stay well and no one can help you or advise you, if Im not strong enough to work 5+ hours a day, then please dont expect me to work for an attorney I have applied and I have not been picked, maybe because something else was going well for me blogging, which doesnt seem to be the case now, which means I probably wont get hired if I dont look well, and thats how not playful I am, feelings hurt, everyone stay well its no one fault, stop inheriting blames based upon whats produced thats not what representation is for, dont be so hard on yourselves.. To me writing helps, I struggle staying well offline or online, and online I was able to keep busy and be apart of, I have tried to work but its a lot of work, and if Im ever tired its because Im on night meds now, so thats because I drank and because I drank I got bipolar, and when bipolar, means stay home, so thats something that can be closely monitored for years, and you may not be the same under different care thats how you get challenged in life, to change care and still be the same, thats not for improvement thats can you be trusted to manage your own care no matter what is thought of you, no matter what peoples preferences are, if you cannot take as prescribed which was the condition occurring after taking as prescribed, means that I am being too hard on myself, thats not to prove that I was not an addict while living alone in Marina Del Rey, thats just to communicate that I struggle with what to say and what to do, especially during times when I need help, so long as others are okay with you, appreciate those who are nice to you, and do your best to work again. #macshop. -They were nice to me its not that deep.
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