A moment of silence for our beautiful night sky, a perfect dome of scattered clouds the type of reaction from earth that reminds us of how things were, no matter the turn of events, we created that reaction above, its in response to us, maybe not directly reflecting how hard everyone has worked to be here, stay here, and make here happen, its your time on earth, so spend your time wisely, no key sky key lighting bolt required, the times are dark, but not as dark as you think. Whats the main lesson? Whos important to you? Are your feelings more important to you than the stability of others, and that’s when selflessless comes into play, and when selfishness is dishonored as a viable attribute of anyone in any recommended leadership positions in life, whos usually untouchable, hard to get through to, who you don’t feel close to, and who is more solid than you, that’s typical leadership, no bats in a cave stir crazy like someone new with more energy than enthusiasm behooved, means your maybe where you shouldn’t be in life, that’s your timing off, not the timing of others, so you have two choices: settle down, or rehash the past, which everytime you will be punished for (says the DA and CHP, who put me in once, and will put me in again, that’s when someone complains about you or what you have to say, to which you will always be found at fault, you cant argue yourself out of situation where you are outnumbered or when a harm results that either has not happened to you or not happened to you yet be reminded of how short your life could be and how little time anyone has to veer of course, that’s you affecting the positive direction of someone who means well, not living life in fear, so own that feeling, that’s for being alone for too long, and for trusting men as friends, why it took you 8 years to be around women, and not be scared of a single one of them, let them down and no one will be on your side in life, that’s love). When enough answers and solutions to problems then have not already been provided for those here in the now to thrive cohesively without fear for whos lagging behind or too far ahead, doesn’t matter, the same spot people find themselves where others have passed through above and beyond expectation of them, were never meant to be lost being themselves anyways, so lets leave it at that, and one shark turned around, one brave surfer saved. I can understand if anyone was ever insulted by me, that’s their position of leadership taken, everyone does their best, we only have the ABCs and few words to work with here, so be thankful for each word spoken and published that’s not easy to do, to share what you think or how you feel and put into words a side taken, accept that much about life, its not a nightmare afterall, to be “removed of all your defects of character,” to enter a new chapter in life, and then as you had feared and once stated, wouldn’t that be weird, if you disclosed all your memories, and for some reason when you returned back to normal punished again expect in real life, so that your future or next chapter doesn’t happen for you, I can see everyones obsession with “Alice in Wonderland” thinking I entered the arena a stranger to life, or mad at people, or thinking things were about me, I read the Iliad in 7th Grade and was late to class everyday and once automatically locked in the car, because I did not get out of the car, before my brother got out of the car and locked the car, banging on the window, can someone get my brother Im locked in the car, and that’s one morning before school. Life happens that fast if your not careful I think is the main lesson, and as intense as I get its not tolerable and I can understand that overwhelming feeling of should’ve coudlve would’ves, you cant plan ahead in life, and sometimes you don’t show up on time, and sometimes whats needed to be said in time, or in the right way, is something you are not comfortable sharing, and as a result what is said is not good enough, therefore any later showing of everything thought to share cannot undo the harm already caused or change a mind that briefly turned on you, I don’t know what that expectation is. We are not fountains of love, everyones minds wander, we all get social, however today people are quicker than you think, and before you know it they are standing in your shoes in life, as though you let them down, and wait for a reaction from you to see how you feel when made to look small minded, whether you get scared or become violent, become a product of what you claim to provide assistance with, helping organizations that seek to prevent violence, not spread mental illness is what I think was thought of a public speaker, maybe its something to do with proof of all your angles in life, I think the two million word website did its part, no matter who was given love to and later made fun of for it, that’s a life lost because one is not mean or intending to insult, only being mindful of who is supported by them, entertained, that’s entertainment, whos awake and whos not, who to include, and who to exclude, that’s how priorities get set issue wise, and if your not in tune, the better, thats not purposefully being aloof and later offense taken to then refer to at a later point in time as that having been of issue to you then or overcome in life, credit no one for such losses, including my own disallusionment, had I been tougher then I would have known what was coming, and that’s when things don’t make sense to you, and when whats funny to others is not funny to you, not processing, means your not on the same wavelength of expectations in life: (ie) “dick in a box,” and youtube: “two girls and one cup,” shown to me by my then boyfriend, it was grose, I maybe threw up, and obviously did not get the joke, this was circa 2008, 2009 was when I applied to the US Navy, after the Grammys, I was a Bieber fan, so that explains why some were made to take life seriously under a different series of pressures in life, people first to jokes, before a joke was made in response: “a knife put in a box” (2010, living in Marina del Rey, taken before the move from Leonard to Anita, stored in my closet on the left side shelf above my clothing rack, no one has ever been in my apartment long enough to search my home or closet, other than during a move I was too tired to put together myself and box everything up, bedroom adjacent to the stairs, view of the water looking out left between the pool and a tennis court 200 yards away from the water), -kept in a hole puncher box in my “Lesley bag” gifted to me by an English nanny to the Correias, who lived off the same street as the Bauer’s, who eventually moved. So when your friends stick up for you, and take on leadership positions in entertainment, no of course they were not bothered by others overt expressions of opinion, that’s for their entertainment to figure out, what communicates best a feeling, which was probably not excitement, and more she absolutely has no idea what shes doing, just like Justin Timberlake, absolutely didn’t care who he was making fun of, to what time period, fair enough, so Im sorry for my “Sliding Glass Doors” movie reference reaction in my apartment in West Hollywood, threw a chair into my sliding glass door that shattered, I had one emotional night in the rain, in a tank top, shivering, and smoking, that was as Eastwood as it got, that was the first time I didn’t feel good and then put myself out in public for anyone to see that I was not feeling good, usually you stay home and rest you don’t go looking for whos watching you, thats not the solution, to ever think that people are watching you, you are either a “Panther” or youre not, and depending on what town youre in they all have their own duties to protect the integrity of their neighbors, not call negative attentions to themselves or others, or end up on any teams in life, or the wrong teams in life, sometimes that’s not your choice or decided by you, picking people out, but its by who picks you out in life, when you are alone, and talks to you when you feel most gone, that’s you not scared of them and that’s them not scared of you, which isn’t a bad reaction, until you later describe those brief moments with strangers, in which you appear to be the disillusioned one, as though they were nice to you and you were not nice to them, I think when I stopped having sex, not only did I not need sex, but sex also didn’t happen to me, eventually you get old enough that people want you to want them, and when you are able to get along with someone, and don’t also want to have sex with them, that can viewed as insulting to someone who was cool with you, thinking you think you are better or deserve better, that’s already having been done in life, that’s not the solution for making and maintaining friendships street, online, or anywhere, it’s the quickest route to: insult, that’s you being tough, them feeling insulted, and then you being uncomfortable, losing your marbles trying to understand whats with everyone and why you don’t feel good, and that’s because you shared out loud, why someone wanted to have sex with you and told you about the passing of others one you knew and one you did not befriend back after seeing him at “The Dime” with your friends, someone who got head in a phone booth at the Riviera Country Club, so that’s being a law student, your not flying a plane, that’s you in a position of trust, that when “someone reaches out a hand” for friendship or to talk, you respond and take 5 minutes of your time to have a conversation especially if you have any friends in common, that’s why they are cool with you, so that much hurts in life, as though what was known about someone ever convinced me not to talk to people, or ever headed somewhere above anyone in life that I didn’t have the time for friendship, when your busy, you don’t have any free time so that disinterest you later experience is like a “karma badge” to make you feel like someone who is no longer here, as though you did not empathize with them based upon their sex life, and since you did not attend their memorial, told about by someone who played on the co-ed soccer team, is why when “Robert Downey Jr.” was present for your 90 day chip after rehab, and you looked at your friends, one from Malibu the other from High School if they were going to wait in line to shake his hand and meet him, they said no, so I didn’t too: insult (who is now going to be a speaker at this years Webby Awards: that’s respect, someone who does a better job, on focusing what they have in life, not what they’ve been through, sorry everyone).
Solution: So I can accept that people do things in confidence and it may have nothing to do with you, and more about how they feel or who they come to love or admire in life, "men come and go," so thats not your fault, if someone can do a better job at pleasing your man, take your myspace spy glasses off, yes your car will be keyed back, you don't need proof why he left, all you needed was the text "to see other people," and them "moaning, oh yeah baby, and hear a slap," means that you were outside his window, and got the proof you needed, that turned you into a cokehead eventually, and then no one wanted you, and you missed a Windward Reunion in Hollywood, at the Roosevelt Hotel, so always go by your speed in life, if your ever made to slow down in life, maybe thats someone who is not interested in something you are interested in, and why the valet did not hook you guys up and took $200 dollars, why she left and you stayed, three in a bed, with a medicine bottle custom made by the hotel full of m&ms. Who later became a company, messages me, married and with child! Yay #beproud! Which explains all the "Refresh" commercials, it was sold at the schools pharmacy, where Id get checked. I technically keyed his "managers car" which I assumed to be the lincoln he drove instead of my car, and also forced me to describe another interaction, when a huge gallon size tub of "honey" was on his desk, and made to drop off something he left at my apartment, left walking down the hall and someone walking up the hall, and when in my car getting the car started, the same woman from the hallway at my window to tell me "she's been in my car before." If you were his manager, and if that was your lincoln, then Im sorry I keyed your car, and thats why I was left smelly, or did cocaine, and everyone lost respect for me, and not mentally fit to date, hearing voices, not cool. So don't write four final papers two written for him he asked for which he got As on and you didn't. Follow-Up: So Ive been in my room for four years, and I plan on staying here, and when well do my best to apply, and when its time be accepted to whoever understands my story well enough to understand when I was not well, how I was affected by breakups, and not physically trained for those types of losses in life, thats dating, your on board or your not, and when you do your best, pay for flights to NY to visit family in Brooklyn, and your Father does not approve of him dating him, that is why he had to move out of your apartment he lived in for free one summer, so thats trust, my only experience cohabitating with someone I loved and cooked for, who messaged me while dating someone 2013-2014 who I replied to, the men from your life come back into your life, they are not the ones who harmed you, its what you did with your life afterward, that someone new either expects you to have outgrown or moved forward from, and if you cannot provide the types of insights or conversation for long term potential, means to appreciate your time spent with someone new, understand someone old wanted to talk to you again, and always be mindful that someone new in your life will always leave you if you talk to someone old, thats dating there are no directions for who comes back into your life, or why people leave your life, that much you have to come to accept, that you're either well enough and presentable or not going to make it, so stay well, value who you are now, theres not need to make a worse life out of a good life, because of how you have described your life to be, not difficult, or make yourself sound tougher than you are, just appreciate when things are good, and do your best not to question what everyone else is about in life, and don't react to anyone or anything, or be nosey, or wonder, or ever feel rejected when someone would rather do someone else than you, thats them clicking better with someone their speed in life, having outgrown you, or by your communications to them, not having been a solid enough representation of someone who fully understand the world as it looks from the outside looking in, some things they don't tell you in life, you figure out for yourself in life, and not by advices in life do you become a better lover, or a wiser soul, who you walk in the room and the teacher respects your boyfriend more than you surrounded by friends in "Violence Against Women and Girls," is why you asked him to give you your keys back to your car and apartment in a "Juvenile Delinquency" course. Where we were made to watch a documentary tape, that wasn't the movie: "my girl," but was about "kid violence" to which I replied "its the parents fault," for some reason was not even sitting next to my then boyfriend, I once left crying on the steps, and someone who plays for the NBA now walked by, thats when people are reading you for reactions, wording, or insights to know more about you or your family, or your thinking, whether you were drawn to "Boulder" or whether it was a school recommended to you, it was recommended by my "college counselor at Windward: "Molly." I think I have been through enough, no I don't think I am going to date or hook up with anyone again for the rest of my life, you are only given so many chances for love, and eventually you have to choose, to live your life, whether or not anyone forgives you for not having the same headgear on in life, some mature faster than most. So be it. I don't think it excuses reacting, at all, and later talking about it in private, I now understand anything you talk about in private, by diary, or phone, to be used as something to hold against you in life to scare you, I think we all get made to feel scared in life, if we feel like we are being accused of having done anyone wrong in life, so its no wonder an ex my first boyfriend I got a missed call from a number I recall seeing on my phone I haven't had for three months, my mom took my phone away, I use my computer now, up out of bed, so Im not usually this frozen, but again, if you have overreacted, and seem like someone who attacks people or gets jealous or loses their cool thats letting them win, and you seem like a poor representation of whoever you come from in life, to them they will always be the bigger person, not really caring if you get sick, or end up in the wrong places in life, so thats others being allowed to be experimental with you, and you being left behind in life which is very painful to now say out loud, as though that memory of that person, was so significant that it ever held me down in life traumatized by, you move on in life, and just like they grow to love others, you will always find someone better in life, hopefully more prepared, not regressing, more mature, and more aware of whats at stake and being studied, you in the negative (the negative influence affecting those being supported by others knowing they know you), or you being supported and becoming the person who is into all the wrong things in life and made to appear nuts or not smart. So sorry for ever being concerned about anyone taking care of anyone, as though any subject or attack thereof of a subject was important then, blame me as having criticized any schooling, I saved in a manila envelope, I made folders, for all the random stuff in the family desk left out, thats being a nice sister, not paranoid. I think a website cannot cure where things are coming from in life, especially if everyone wants to know where a negative is coming from, just accept that much, people will known of you, and not see you as having the potential to light the way for anyone in need of inspiration, not your job, not picked then, and at no later point to represent others, so be a team player in those respects, where someone has done a good job of communicating to everyone how they feel is not your place to become concerned with the depressions of others, thats their life.
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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