For a period in time, I was an academician, I did not go out, I did not drink, I only dated in monogamous relationships, or dated men who were attracted to me. Please don’t bring up my sexual history to determine the odds of a location on earth, and accuse me of creating a system for casting judgment upon others, on the basis of race, harms suffered, I would never subject myself to that kind of pain and responsibility in life, nor would want to not be an advocate for those who have been in my life, be the center of any story line in life, with regards to human suffering in general, so that’s the not my direction in life, and that’s not my purpose in life. You may not respect my life or respect my story, that also doesn’t mean bring everything to a point of discord, to then subject me to being criticized, then argue that I pose a threat to anyone, or have said anything to cause anyone to think that there is something wrong, hostile, or mentally ill about me, I respect the privacy of others as much as I respect my own privacy and right to remain calm, and not be subjected to negative attentions. What makes a no? It will be something you have said online, or it will be an attitude, or a disability, or lack of ability, that creates a no. I have not spoken to anyone in years except for people Ive dated, that’s not always a choice, to become separated from friends, nor does that fact about me need to be brought up in terms of who was done wrong when and why and what that has anything to do with anything going on elsewhere, or who is victim, being fought over and for, and under what circumstances is anyone favored or not favored and why. I think that I do my best to be honest to share information for others to know where I am at, but you have to let the expressions of others stand, and I can respect that too about people, what things look like and why things were made to look that way, when and why. With a job in film a Trump Support pen pal, separated from, then again 2020, after talking to Ari Emanuel, Trump Support pen pal. That doesn’t mean that Trump Support or I am responsible for the outlook of an entire Country, if I was made to look stupid, then that was comparing accounts one real and two fake, one fake 2018 not consequential, the 2020 not consequential then made to consequential upon me being treated as a false positive, someone who appears well, who then is casted to not appear smart, to then cause negative judgment of them, so that mistreatment follows, to amplify arguments that I am someone who comes on to people who is then rejected because of something I have said or done that is not in alignment to they best interests, or carries a weight of it, a weight meaning a guilt, a word out of sync with the totality of the entire introduction, anything that seems off, then what seems off it taken and added together with whatever is thought to support another thing heard, then all of that is added together, to then weigh how strong is ones argument toward a person, and what are the causes for the misjudgment of a person or set of identifying truths as to causes for blame, whether based upon the past, a reaction composed by a President, or whether the same was caused in accordance to seeing a President walk past me in DC, to think that I thought that was a secret and the a new secret was made on behalf of him in support of someone new as though that is how I would treat trauma, have you not heard the song “There is no sex in the champagne room,” so maybe my story is a joke to you, maybe me being strong is a threat to you, maybe me being given STDs is thought to be deserved, maybe I am retarded, maybe Im not smart, maybe Im not pretty, maybe Im not that athletic, maybe Im not rich, but that doesn’t mean Ive not tried to do my best to get a job, and be the person I saw I was. So lets not hurt me in the process of recognizing when to stop, I am currently incapacitated in bed all day and cant move, that must mean that some team is winning, and some guilt is trying to be proven, that someone now is not on point, not taking as prescribed, not able to sleep, not able to stay calm, and to what effect is that to be produced, to see if upset causes an unreasonable about of strength that makes someone scary to see what they do, whether they are scary or say anything to intimidate to publicly cast them as the person putting you at odds in life, I think you are well and can be around people and I also think you can not be well and then you will not be around people. There is a system of wellness, that keeps people home, or allows people to be social, and that system of wellness will never change, who is offered jobs, who is spoken to, who is dated, who is trusted, who is heard, who is not heard, you makes sense, who struggles, who stays on board, and who is ignored, and that will always be by: feeling, lawsuit, sexual history, trust, and money. So you can have everything … respect (from #SCOTUS), a job (A Fancy Law Job), but it takes one person to not be okay with you, for everything to not work out for you in life, and that then becomes the new controlling opinion, who resonates with you stands out to you, or calls upon you to address a new situation in which the youngest and newest generation is currently suffering, and who to talk sense to at a time like this, which would be someone who has been through everything and been successful in spite of everything, never having relied on code, not unless you work in entertainment and it’s a system of care that you seek to represent and keep strong in terms of the light and good years it represents to those whos lives they have touched over the years, which will also include all those who have given up, or not on board with what has been occurring nor should be made to accept the blame for those losses either, cause all professions to take responsibility for the outburst of others, crimes, or solicitations for attentions, that do not work for all human beings, not especially those under pressure who need their brain in order to speak well, to represent themselves well, to whatever capacity they are currently able. So while I may make sense to you, and you will see clearly a wrong, that does not mean that I knowingly committed a wrong with an expectation of there being something defective about me in my head or in my body, so to clarify Texas: I did no one dirty, which was amplified in a book draft that a column was put in to make me look like Im secretly confessing or drawing attentions to a subject that I want people to think about in looking at me and looking at history as a whole …. And no STDS were found in my vagina, and syphallis was found in my body, my ears were gushing and my body covered in dots, that is how I found out, and had to go to a HIV/AIDS specialist to give me a penicillin shot, so that it wouldn’t spread to my brain. So I apologize for my face and body looking weird and the weight gain 50 lbs, that’s not a chess move, that’s giving up on the whole dating process, if a man cannot get checked, then I will not do a man to get checked for him, and that’s why I am not married, will not marry, will not subject myself to face and body changes, and also do not have the tolerance to chase anyone including a $50-$100 hour job paid in law, if I have issues, there is nothing he can do to help me, past the point of others thinking I have done anything wrong, and then accuse me of being a poor influence to others in life, or treat me poorly, until I no longer represent myself well, face dirtied, body chubby, head small, everything that causes you to wonder about life. So don’t blame me for caring and protesting after any incident in which paper was dumped on Westwood, or accuse me of watching CNN and caring for the wrong reasons, I have never once subjected any boyfriend to fear or insult, or to be treated not as the young professional that they are, I was always loving and monogamous, never stupid, did not go out without them, and never attracted any unwanted attentions in life to deserve to be treated like a disease carrying lesbian or dumb-witted whore, who is not for marriage, I had eggs, I am fertile, I get my period, Im 35, this is my last leg and last opportunity to work, or date, whether or not I can clear my name, whether or not the DA approves of me, who requested as settlement to take all my blogs down, then there were fires, then I started putting together a book, because a butterfly flew to me, if that doesn’t mean help, then what else should mean help to you, and if God cannot protect us and keep us healthy, then what is the current basis for connection that is causing illness to others, if that mother-ker inside of you is supposed to be God (your intuition, your gifts, your voice of reason, your heart, your cares, your secrets) then why fill it with any other information about yourself or others, to cause you to lose faith in any system of trust in which the well stay well and “the sick get sicker.” How would you feel if you were treated like trash, or a bad egg, or retarded, or uninfluential, or not smart, or causes trouble, or a poor representation of your state, if I ever email the President its generally if Im not winning in life and struggling, and maybe others have the right to clear the air, in terms of what will make them feel better, to cast blame and connect the dots, but that still does not explain my vintage poster (then the Legally Blonde movie came out), which was the first poster in a series of poster incidents, then one was posted in my shed turned into a garage lease signed with a garage then no garage offered in Boulder, CO, then a poster was put on Wilshire defacing Barack Obama, so excuse me for the third time a poster was posted, I reacted, not based upon the reactions of others, based upon my own reaction, did not like the poster, there was no crime at the time, no conflicting political interests to designate a sign as a tolerable expression of any type of present grief concerning the status of the health of a nation, he was trying to protect by focusing on Obamacare, which is affordable healthcare for young workers who cannot afford health insurance, testing, or through job membership be protected paid for and cared for. So if it looks like people reacting when the time calls for reaction, its not about anything I have shared, it could be something known about me, in response to what they think is wrong with me, by Doctor sent to and his specialty, upon first getting sick, seeing two Jewish Doctors, one of whom a family member suffered under her care, then upon me having a learning disability sought care from her, and by 2009, after 6 years being under their care, got sick after a book was recommended to me upon applying to Law School “The Center Cannot Hold” by Elyn Saks, so that is why Human Rights Watch on Olympic in the Rolling Building, was the lawyer I chose to review a box stamped for work acceptance at #SCOTUS and California Supreme Court, that’s not with guilt, a feeling of things being about me, and needing to identify myself, or share a potential for blame on anything I have done or said, to have caused whatever it was at the time resulting in cancer or disturbance to people who are close to my family, and then say that something similar is occurring now, I think when a team is losing, that guilt can spread, and others can be misidentified as not among the strong, or if among the weak, not demonstrating the strength required to lead any discussions, regarding the status of the health of others, and its on that basis whether you approach the subject with care, or do anything positive about it, that you get searched or treated as though you don’t have the right interests in life, if you mention anything going wrong. So Ive not kept quiet because of guilt, its because I was writing online, and one person was not okay with me, and now Im in a situation where I cannot promote myself or anyone that I know, and this was the situation I was trying to avoid 2008 when I called the police regarding the names on my Facebook, so that was 2008 – 2021, everything was okay, and everyone I know was okay, now its 2021, and now Im not doing okay, which means people who know me do not want to be subjected to the same types of pressures or attentions in life, and now what is there to do, so this is why I applied to the #usarmy who I re-enlisted with 2013, I have never been intense in my entire life or subjected anyone to feel like they were automatically being included into some club of guilt, by someone who is not cool or by someone who people are not cool with, whats controversial is that everything got better, then everything got worse for me, mentally, and I still sound smart, but that cannot always undo the harm that’s been suffered. I tried to talk to the DA at the courthouse but their door was locked, I have called the judge several times, to identify where I am at mentally whats going well for me, or whats not going well for me, and even if someone was upset with me reported the incident myself, so they could file a bench warrant if they needed to see me to talk to me, that’s not something I want to happen o me without me knowing it, why I inform the courts of everything that’s going on, so that they can make sure, either she is well and doing her best, or she is not doing well and not seeking help to move forward in life. Life is political contest unfortunately that if you are not paying attention to things get worse for you, so later becoming a public figure really doesn’t matter, if everyone thought everything was your fault, to begin with, going to a school does not make me a fightable issue or a traitor to the representation of the dream, I wanted to work in DC, my Father introduced me to Barack on TV, that’s how I knew to email him when things were unstable here, before someone shot the White House (2008), and luckily he was not shot, so that’s me having an understanding of racism, the issues, my stability, and what he should look out for or be in avoidance of such communications not be affected by anyone unpleasantries in life, including their difficulties in acceptance of me, designate me as “mentally ill,” and so that happened, ended up in the hospital. I don’t drink so for everytime I was ever social having 2-3 drinks, Im sorry, that I ever drank 2013, I also did not anticipate that the rest of my life would be different or never be the same, and that’s a consequence of being arrested, or for anyone having knowledge of being arrested and then everyone treats you as dirty, or criminal, or not intelligent. I have always gotten good grades, if Ive never been focused, it was probably after a relationship, or while dating, not being able to do both, and choosing one or the other, I don’t think its possible for me to excel in school and date, Ive not been able to, and also suffered while trying to finish my Dissertation. Im not mentally ill, what it is is that people know my story, and for some reason it was easier I think to make fun of me and stay on that tangent, then to think any other way, and I don’t think they intended for that system to be repeated among the people who have invested money in those companies, for the caretaking of their people participating. Everything is fun until someone gets hurt, and whether that’s by direct exposure to someone who is not getting the issue, or is not seeing the beauty in life, its sometimes advantageous for people to cause you sickness to get you to realize what youre not apart of as though you don’t see the beauty in life, I always take pictures and save moments with animals, I don’t take pictures of my family, and Im sorry if Im life looks boring and pathetic to you, without connections, and on a ton of meds for sleep and daily functioning, that also does not make me guilty, or more or less susceptible to getting in trouble, should I not stay well, that also doesn’t mean that I belong there, because I responded to fires, and upon responding to fires I reported to the California State Bar. This is why you do not go to business meetings, you do not socialize, you do not pitch, you do not publicly lead any conversation, that you cannot also hold with who you support, and the pain that is caused is when someone new comes along, and then wants to make everything look wrong, to discredit anyone for having said or done anything in the right in a humorous way, not in a combative intimidating way, everyone who has met me not in my life is healthy, unfortunately I have not faired well the same on my own, I don’t have an Attorney, I just found a new Psychiatrist, and my Therapist cannot help me, which means it’s a social issue, or a reading comprehension issue, in which someone is hurting me, because they don’t understand how I went through so much difficulty and was successful online anyways, that’s sheltering other people from harm, respect that much about me. #stopsuicide – Self-harm is (voices calling me pervert) then me punching my head and slamming my head into doors until my head bleeds, that’s to stop the voices from hurting me and calling me names. I don’t want to hook up or be friends with anyone for the rest of my life, my hearts not strong enough for it, Im not strong enough to wowrk, and I am happy just being a blogger, when opportunity next opens up for me, I would like to work in DC for at least one year and that is my dream, and then if Im too tired to keep working, I can file for disability and stay home for the rest of my life in my room, and that doesn’t mean wirte online, or write books and have books ruined, or ruin my life, or ruin my story, or devalue myself, or not be of value, or not making money, because doesn’t want to be famous, or is not famous because they are not smart and because they look retarded or the have pen pals, and that makes them look retarded, you know … you are nice to people until they are mean, then you share everything to see whether that harm was justified, then you can call the DA and complain and sya Leslie was wrong, Leslie meant well, Leslie is not doing well, Leslie has addiction, Leslie doesn’t need help, Leslie does need help, Leslie punches her head, Leslie slams her head into doors, Leslie is not nice, Leslie is strong, Leslie is not an Attorney or Leslie is pretending to be something she is not, I think you are allowed to be who you are, then you are made to share everything, and you don’t get many chances to say the right thing, and that’s living or dying on the basis of what people think of you, allowed to move forward, stuck in bed, suffering, and then its upon you suffering that others then justify it as she did this wrong, or because she wanted this she responded like this, or because she is like this, they responded as that, then it becomes about court documents, and settlements, which blogging is not for the purposes of rehashing what went wrong and give everyone a play by play of what exactly happened for them to hurt me as though I have ever intentionally done anyone wrong, and this is the stopping point, which doesn’t also mean that I have to suffer or be prosecuted because Im not taking it like a good sport, when I get sick or go to the hospital. I got checked and they were okay with sending me home, so whats the issue of then me needing to be sick or go to the hospital. I have been hospitalized 9x for not being able to sleep that is foggy in disallusion, not able to focus cannot study cannot learn, and then you go to the hospital they put you on meds for 14 days and then send you home and you steadily go back to normal, that’s not my fault, if I do not feel well that’s normal to get help, then after lawsuit is when I started hurting my head, so don’t accuse me of being scary to anyone, and then that resulting in a lawsuit, a lawsuit is someone not okay with you, and you not knowing that they are not okay with you, and that’s you causing discomfort to another which you will be made responsible for. So even if stated, that doesn’t cause me death, even if everyone accused me of being on Twitter as a threat, that still does not cause me death, what causes me death Im wondering is if I say something that gives someone a power of understanding, if what they think or feel is capable of hurting how I think or feel, and then the stability of others is to take the side of who rejects me, to see whether Im connected to people, do they help keep me alive, or am I someone who gets sick on their own who cannot be helped, at this point Im stuck in bed, so I don’t know what that means if Im not running, not archiving, not assembling books, not continuing to work on publishing a book, not able to maintain a job, I wouldn’t know where that’s coming from. #worldpeace
This is what I went through that doesnt make it okay or a by product of anything that has happened to me or being stated to cast blame on anyone, I think you are what you think and based upon how you feel able or not able to respond to everything, I dont think its necessary to ever responded in a vocal or noticebale way to draw any types of attentions to yourself, with the anticipation of sharing your story, sometimes strength can be shown through working, or writing, or running, it doesnt really mean anything, not unless you dont state what youre running for or why you are being strong facing your fears, whether that be fear of the dark, or some other fear about life, that has not already happened to you, its never the solution to state when you have not been well or what has happened during the course of a period in time when you were not stable, and to acknowledge that it coudlve been drinking not state the school name of the guy I think that just subjects you to attack and now you really have to think about school reputation, so that could be where a lot of people are coming from. Thats I can accept, I also had to notify my 2013 crush (similar pose every photo since = cute) that I hooked up with someone that looks like him that I only noticed upon looking at him talking, he spoke with an accent, he was Croatiian, so I dont want people to think that was a government operation, they dont get down like that, they live peaceful lives not lives for controversy, and they do not know whether they look a certain why not unless anyone is looking at someones life and also looking at their life, to compare for reactions of changes in health, I think that I stopped watching CSPAN and that was a big mistake, shoudlve kept better tabs not have been so professional only when needed, and later forgot the importnace of keeping them informed even when I started to do well, maybe thats why I didnt stay well for long, less than a year, started to smile and make videos, so everything takes time, and mostly unfortunately, if you have ever not made someone happy, or you fail to illustrate the importance of your character, and make things too easy to understand, the meaning good menaing to your purpose can be changed by unwanted attentions (which to me come in the form of voices), so be aware, mental health issues happen, and its not by looking at a pciture getting a reading, or noticeing a change or seeing or hearing a secret based upon examining a person by photo, video, or phone, and while it may have been exiciting to view all my work in private,, its also important to understand that I am connected to my accounts, so destruction of material is not my choice, if I have no had an opportunity to go backwards to see what was unliekable or off about me then compared to now or what was said then on square, no mentioned in my book anywhere, nothing that was on my first instagram, which I cannot find now, including the conversations on that instagram. So while my life looks different now, I was sure that my life would take a turn for the better eventually, I did not think that if anything I have said gets analyzed in the negative then things will not work out for me in life, based on anything I have said that was remotely uninteresting, offensive, or taken as insult inferred to be in reference or made in reference to something previously saidf triggered to say again to then cause for alignment, of something said as to add or giove meaning to something previously said, there is not telling when a story is said with the breadth required for anyone to allow for misgivings in life, also was probably the cause for reading a nicely made story, probably will publish to lulu.com, for the sake of permanency, after a review of everything written, for the history books. So thats how easily something can be read then for you to be treated as the villain to your own story and treat you like an offender, this is why I stay in my room, I stopped running, I stopped sharing anything really important and pressing in November, thats to say I stopped trying I think when your head hurts thats a good time to slow down and rest that means I was not able to push myself and keep running everyday, there will always be apart of you that can keep going in life, then past the point of being hurt, it becomes difficult to figure out a system of speaking that will work out for you, if the previous system is a system that was abused to then cause you harm, so Im not someone who waits until the last minute to speak, its if Im able to speak can say the right things and only until recently its either say everything to add up to him, or say everything to add up to that, or say everything to add up to this. Originally Posted 03-12-21
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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