Finding Your Way ...
Eventually you find your way, with or without help from others, with or without blame, and with or without anyone becoming defensive to any of your choices in life, make you the matter of public controversy, instead of taking ownership of how they view you: criminal. Ive never been criminal in my entire life, Ive never bought drugs, sold drugs, been in a gang, hung out with criminals, or been social for the purposes of coming up with a solution to my problems which doesn’t include crime or experimentation with my health or the good health of others. Ive never done anything without permission, I have never loved anyone for sex, or ever have made sex the problem in terms of how I would look to others, its something you forget, and then afterward it happens, what you look like, which explains why living life is difficult, if you are thought about in the negative then that will be what comes to mind upon looking at someone, and its in my wellness, Im not taken seriously, or if Im one way, treated another way, and you will never know peoples stopping points, when then are done with you, that’s not their attitude, it will be your attitude what you feel like, what youre about, what you work toward, and what youre ready for, and if youre not ready to present on all levels, then maybe blogging is not for you, maybe blogging is not for those who get sued, maybe blogging is not for those asked to leave, maybe blogging is not for those called “weird,” maybe blogging is not for those who talk to themselves, maybe blogging is not for those who date, maybe blogging is not for those who graduate from law school, and maybe blogging is not the best way to show love and care. If I didn’t care and didn’t want to help I wouldn’t blog, your brain is dependent upon your physical health, I already got several MRIs and I survived the worst of it self-harm, there is no reason why that condition should have happened to me again, Im not violent, and maybe self-harming (which looks like a tantrum) is enough for anyone to disregard me as stable, or even be in the same room as me, and so long as that is thought of about me, then you will never know scary, you will never know mean, you will never know tolerance, you will never know insult, and you may never know the issues, being faced with all along beginning 2008, so think 2008 -2021, how did that go, was I professional, was I productive, did I work, did I date, did I have friends, did I go out and be social, whatever it is that is gearing your interpretation of me seeing me alone, means that there is something wrong with your lens not mine, and that’s not conditioning other people to looking at me and to see me as pretty, that’s also not forcing me to share my heart and intelligence with anyone who will read makes sense to them, and in the alternate sends a voice to me, how is that supposed to give me peace of mind, I haven’t been able to stay asleep for several weeks now, and wake up ready to work and read, and sometimes have to go back to sleep and sometimes stay awake, Ive never not been thinking, not been writing, not been working, and that’s not a joke for you to apply to act like you know me and everyone is so close, we are not so lets keep everyone interests separate from anyones interests in favor of me or working not in favor of me, and see how you guys feel if you would just allow me to do well, get a job, and not give me voices, which is not my audience, its b y reading, reading then my feeling reading then looking at me, then watching me write watching me think, then who is the voive instilled into me when Im tired, then that’s who is watching me, then waiting to hear from me, then speaking to what they want to hear coming out of me, and if its guilt, that happens, if its apology then that happens, if its facts then that happens, if its my pictiures then its discussed, if it whats online, then theyre quiet, its easy to scan and review someones life, and make a quick judgment its harder to live life over an 8 year period, trying to get well, waiting for love, and for things to not work out for you, and that’s a very painful truth ab out working online, you don’t get paid you have nothing to show for it, you seem intense, youre not stable, and things are not working out for you, and that’s to highlight whats not working out recently for others affected by suicide. In the 8 years that I have been writing, when did I ever bring up 2008, when was that ever anyones business, and why should whatever happened to me in what year serve what purpose fot the people to know, in order to figure out something else about others, then treat me like I have something they want (love), or Im looking at others to achieve something I don’t have (strength).
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