Why (removed): Painful now – word “hate” doesn’t feel good writing the heading – not post
By the time you have gone though mental illness and back, everyone will already be over it, no one will need you, everyone will think youre too much, or not happy, not thankful, not be appreciative, not see you as well, not think youre well, apart of them will always think, there is something wrong with you, with expectation for you to appear differently, or be stronger, or keep going, or love someone new, or keep taking videos, or smile or photo,and think that that is fun to see your face change, your head size change, your body change, and either prefer to remember you as fat, or for something grose they heard about you, then who is the person they see as you trying to be like, picking up traits from, what do they think your made out of: stupid.
If I were stupid I wouldn’t get good grades, focus on school, be liked, have the heart time and attention to love, wouldn’t respond, wouldn’t be affected, would care to help, wouldn’t go out of my way, to figure out, wouldn’t have put everything together to see what happened. And that’s no ones fault if anyone doesn’t understand the concept of someone seeing something well, then seeing you as not well, whether or not you wrote all four essays, two for you two for your boyfriend. So that’s you not gettings As, and he got As, then he was admired, and you weren’t, and the files saved in my computer, continued to represent him in my words, see him as and see how I sounded in a very important class: Violence Against Women and Girls, so if you ever wonder about where everyones opinions come from, its half of what people say, half of what they think, half or what think think looking at everything without you knowing it, half of whats left behind or missing, drawings, or photos removed, or torn up, or yearbook amended, it will be what you think the judgement is about in the negative toward you, will be what they think you are saying when you share a photo or keep a nice photo of another, not understand that you do everything with care, but anyone looking will see that you were like this then you looked like that, and they will blame you to see how you feel, if you get portrayed as not trustworthy, or be treated as though you have a personality, that they view as problematic, not a mindful person.
So the more immature you are, the more that goes wrong, the more you get sick, the poorer you respond, the bigger they are, the smaller they see you as, that’s them sticking up for someone you are not at odds with supported, then treat you like you are a poor influence, or not a good person, and think that you want to be them now that they get to be you with him, look at you.
I don't think Ive ever looked dumber in my entire life, blank, not going, not working, not able, than right now, and Im sure there is nothing I can do about giving up, the meds not working, still subjected to self-harm, still viewed as bad, or guilty, ot not smart, or not pretty, emotional, or lost, not put together, and it seems that the more there is wrong with me, the better another will feel, as though they have not done me wrong, and me not doing well or saying anything that does not better situate me, is a defense for them, and then they wont feel like they look bad, and thats how life is, you either move on, or you dont move on then they think youre attached, then you get better then you do well, then they get scared to see what you remmeber, if you rememebr and already talked about it, then its probably not the issue faced with now, if they think thats a good issue to treat you as having graduated and see that good things did not happen for you listening to your friends, thats how the past or other people who dont know new people, get to hurt you to see how you respond if you get hurt, and expect you to be stronger, or better, or more resilient, or poised, see if you get sick, what you do next, or who you like and thats not the solution, to create any animosity toward anyone who deserves to have a private life, and who does not need the negative attention does not need to get hurt, or for anyone to think that anyone hurtful is watching them, or treat me as though Im the energy or person watching others and writing online, I dont check my Facebook. #privacy - Who deletd my Farmville up to Level 39? Who printed a picture of someone I met living at the Dorms that I did not have sex with? Who remoevd the photo of Kedrick from my Diary, who put a tear drop on one page?
Why is anyone going through my things, what is there to know about me, if you are well around me that means Im well, if I seem special maybe that means not to hurt me, if you are scared, its because you think that Im going to go backwards in life or think anyone is hurting me now because anyone hurt me then, deserved, its not. #sober - So in viewing my life, and seeing Im nice, thats not permission to punish me, or use me, or hurt me, lose respect. Thats seeing me, knowing me, then not caring about me, if you want to do all of that, and dont ask for my number, or if you want to know all about that and wonder why we dont talk, its because they dont text me, they are nice to me, and maybe they know that I am doing well in Law School, and usually thats how respect works, if you have done a good job and well they leave you alone, if you are not doing well, they feel entitled, then everyone treats you like a club, thinks that the more they know the more they'll understand, and that if they see something or they know something, then that will be something that they know they dont think you know, aware.
Originally Posted 03-06-21
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