If its not until something bad happens to you or others, that others feel reassured in life, then that’s basing their own wellness or sense of comfort upon your discomforts in life. There is trust, there is knowing people, and then there is viewing people as they live their lives, not trusting someone. Trust is lost, whenever you make someone uncomfortable, or when what you have to say overpowers the general senses of others, as described. That’s when your condition threatens the conditions of others as described, that’s when your look or appearance looked into, despecializes you in life, makes you unspecial to others, and makes those who appear composed and sure of themselves, you the obvious unhappy one, not centered. Then what you have to say is not taken with a grain of salt, seems abrasive, or counterproductive to the peace reached by others in life, not a party to your life, your life as lived, or what youre going through now, not feel represented by at peace with themselves but not with you. No understanding can be reached, whenever you fail to come across as understanding or with compassion for the feelings of others, commentary devoid of empathy, shows a lack of concern for the well being of others, if you reach a point of wellness, upon illness to your own Country. That took 8 years of writing everyday in public and in private, reporting to LAPD, my Attorney, and the Courts (got a phone call back notified I built a website for permissions) to finally launch a website that took off by summer, that was writing everyday, and as punished waiting 4 years on probation, to take full bloom, and graduate finish my masters. Whether or not you care how long it took for me to get well, or why I was hospitalized 9x, comatose asleep for 14 days at a time off day meds, does not seem to ring a bell, to anyone who does not care about what Ive been through, and also doesn’t care if Im a victim of homicide, as though that’s excuse for getting in trouble, or presenting poorly in front of others, in my not well years, in and out of the hospital, and later self-harming a new condition as of 2017, and 2019, punching my head as hard as I can repeatedly, putting dents in my head, and lose my neck, and my head shrinks, to a smaller size, that’s to meet what negative judgements about me, to have a large body and a small head, why Im losing 50lbs again (that’s not a threat that’s a challenge for me no longer in running shape strong enough, light on my feet without a head injury, and difficult to run with a head injury), I used to have a big head and a petite body when I lost weight, was a positive person on the inside, whether or not anyone agreed with my lifestyle choices, friend associations few, and no girl friends at the time in LA, I was obviously not in an acceptable condition to do business with at the time, and was not taken seriously as a person with an idea for a company, or what style of company, as presented. It has now later come to my attention, that maybe when I was on Twitter, everything looked like a Charlie Sheen, Luke Skywalker, Gay, Prostitute, MLK, Kim Kardashian joke, someone trying to be known being like someone who is known, not unique of and to themselves worth knowing, understanding, or being heard, and I believe it is those attitudes in life that made someone think that a plane disappearing represented what OJ’s case was about “memorabilia” or to serve as a reminder of planes, notably used to carry out terrorist attacks on 9/11, that upon introduction to the world was seen as a member of his defense, or trying to be like Johnny Cochran, or another Attorney whos life was lost while representing OJ, acquired Cancer, much like me and my Dad, who have suffered once in 2009 in tandem, and later 2017 upon getting Syphallis after Carcinoma Cancer, given a Penacillin shot. That’s the painful association to a point of controversy its not by treatment of one disfavored by the Court system, and lack of representation in life a product of, but also a condition of illness that occurs upon being misrepresented or associated to people who others dislike. And that’s how I was treated as stupid in life, it just so happens that sometimes you are too slow to figure out what everything is all about or what life is all about until life happens to you in life. And that’s just how life is, people care about you for as long as you can stay well and be in the lives of others, and once you have done wrong, or have made yourself look stupid, too difficult to talk to, too complicate to understand, and not intelligible enough to hear from, not what others want to hear, and a later showing of intelligence, or actions post terrorist attacks, only serves to empower a thinker who does not think you have done the right thing hurt you in life. That’s having had an easier life, not having had to work without pay, or go to two law schools just to finish a masters, or build a website to feel good again, gets treated, like someone who is “lying” or not well, or who “lies about their condition” to not take responsibility for lives lost, who does not pay attention to lives lost, or who is trying to act strong in spite of lives being lost, and seems like an unwanted show of character, or performance that others are not inspired by. That is how I got treated, as though I was someone to make fun of, someone who was not smart, someone who others felt the necessity to make look stupid, or to react in response to others, as though my volunteer job as a hotline counselor was known to everyone, and then served as a motivation to do things in life to cause me to respond, to say that in lieu of hate, death, or gun violence, I came to be, or spoke, or these connections now are a result of them. That is when those who cause harm to others try to be God, or to cause others to react and respond in response to them, that’s being controlled by negatives in life, and losing your sense of agency in life. Should I have run a flyer campaign, and flipped a bench after Malaysia, yes. Do I regret flipping a bench and running a flyer campaign with no record no, did the police see me posting flyers in front of the Mann Chinese theater, yes, did they stop me, no, they smiled. So I don’t care what problems China has, they are not Malaysia, its not their Airline, therefore not their guilt, therefore not the guilt carried that caused illness within a population as connected, that caused an illness to spread and then spread overseas by airplanes, as though we are never to forget China, its not our problem, if your Country cannot stay well, and be on top rich, that is not our problem if your Country cannot make money, or is not viewed as important to others, I am not the half Asian that is responsible for your problems, I support Japan. And yes flyers “pieces of paper” were thrown on Westwood boulevard during the year I drove in circles and two BMWs died due to mileage, that was time spent thinking, away from everyone. I was maybe the only one who watched CNN everyday my then boyfriend replied “don’t you think that’s a bit much, theyre making a big deal of things, hes from Chicago.” When you react, it looks like offense was taken, and that at the time you reacted understood what was offensive about a plane going missing in Malaysia, I just knew that things were not okay, if someone with lives in their hands, decided to make a plane go missing, and all that was found was a piece of paper by a ship from China, I saw that shared live on TV, watched everyday, and the Olympics, during the time I lost 50lbs, and built a website with my best work on display.
Posted: 5-6
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What is the gift of communication? To me it means making sense. Although I am someone who does not feel good, self-harms, and may not make sense to anyone who does not think highly of me, that is something similarly I cannot change about them, what sounds smart to them, or what makes sense to them, or what feels good to them. I do not know the causes for what causes other people to act on good or bad feelings in life, or what causes a good feeling to be had. Some things are hard to hear. And this is where speaking to negatives matters. It is a condition that is sought, played out loud, or a visual representation created that you speak about, that causes a bad feeling to be had, that’s speaking to negatives. It doesn’t matter therefore whether something is easy to read or understand, if something wrong is said, that can be felt by the reader, something off, or something that doesn’t make sense, or something incomplete sounding. A writer arrives to a well thought, that is if the writing is comprised of good thoughts, a later piece of mind, makes sense that either ties together the writing as a whole, or gives a deeper insight to the piece of writing as stated. And sometimes things don’t add up or make sense, its all about what you are thinking, while you are reading, and what is being said, and what is causing you to think thoughts about a writing, that I cannot control, what is thought prior to me writing, and what is thought after me writing. And this is when writings get judged in timing, what is said, and how the next piece is written, whether that’s my condition changed, or whether that’s with expectation of what is thought having written what was wrote, stated in a way to create a condition now of slow, of course I would not say things to cause myself to be slow, or to have a headache, or to lose my train of thought, and write with gaps in my writing, or not feel good as written. That must mean I have said something wrong, or said too much of something, with assumption of what was done or what the thinking was behind what was done to me, as though I deserved to be treated that way in public. And this is where pain sets in, its having addressed a concern, and then speaking to that concern, without solution provided, as though what was already being said was beating around the bush, or purposefully not calling attentions to issues, that mattered to me, and need not be publicly stated, pinned against in life, the mind of someone who causes harms to others. I don’t think that punching my head is the solution to my problems, and I understand that my head will hurt whether or not I punch my head, once Ive had enough in life, that is “inner turmoil” also known as “chemical imbalance” which causes me to self-harm, which is neither the product of my surroundings, nor serves as a reflection of who is in my life, watched by me or others, stalking for connection, or change to my surroundings or to the people in my life, lose light. No one can walk you through the pain of misunderstanding and back, by the time you arrive to a weller state of mind, or to a weller condition of people around you, it will have been too late by then to talk to everyone, that is when you become a source of pain to the lives of others difficult to talk to. That is a condition that no one understands or comprehends in hurting you, changing you from that moment on, living life, not returning back to the condition you were in, not assuming anyone was hurting you, not anticipating why you were being hurt, and not understanding why you were being hurt and for what reasons embarrassed in public. There is a such thing as unwanted attentions in life, that is for people to be drawn to you based upon a necessity to feel good or to see clear, without you being able to achieve the same for yourself. And that is the condition I was placed in, while others may be feeling good, I don’t feel good. And that’s a forced set of circumstances, someone who comes into your life, who just wants to be written about from their perspective through your body and through your mind and words. And that is how an unwanted connection occurs, something changed about you, that causes others to question you or become silent to you, and not be able to look at you, that’s something that has changed about you, that makes it uncomfortable for others to be around you. That’s looking at you, and not knowing you, or being a stranger to people you know. That means that something bad has happened to you, why you are difficult to look at, and everyone acts like a stranger to you. Past the point of acceptance, a changed and noticeable condition may occur, when something is obviously wrong and its possible that you don’t know what is wrong. That is when others are more well than you, looking at you, can tell that there is something wrong with you, a noticeable rejection, or ignoring you. When the mind stops, that’s when it hurts the head to think about, when something you’ve done or said does not make sense, when intuitively your words do not process or register with another, if not in tune with what another is thinking or looking for, and if you experience difficulty communicating what you are trying to say, and cannot reach a point of cohesion or make sense yourself while speaking, that’s forgetting a good thought, or thinking something and not remembering what was thought upon reflecting on what was written, and that’s how thoughts are lost. And that’s how later thoughts are stated, that do not make better sense of what has been said, and that’s running on a good feeling, once you start talking again, and let go of what was lost in your train of thought, or thought about, and don’t return back to thinking about, that’s thinking a new thought. New thoughts occur sometimes, such as now, when you depart from what was being said that was difficult to communicate, and then the sense you were able to make by communicating, allows you to achieve a better mindset afterward, that’s having read what was written, and to the best of your ability communicated what was said, and no more thoughts come to mind to better articulate what it is you are saying, that doesn’t mean that you have done a good job saying what was needed to be said, and that’s how the voice of your opposition speaks through you, the clarity they arrived to having harmed you, and with expectation of you arriving to a moment of clarity, and sharing that clarity with them, called peace. Who is the creator of that clarity in your life, is it people? Who is the creator of your feelings of safety and wellness? You. Who affects your ability to think clearly? Others. No, you control your clarity of thoughts, regardless of what is thought about you, and regardless of what comes to mind in another upon looking at you, those are their thoughts about you, and so long as you turn a blind eye to others watching you for reaction to see if they can be heard through you, that is how you empower the voice of another to be heard through you. That is not how a speaker is made, that is not how an interpreter is made, that is not how a listener is made, that is not how a lawyer is made, that is not how an advocate is made, and that is not how a victim is made, and that is not how an offender is made, via the loss of stability in ones life, the loss of positivity in feeling apart of, or due to the loss in respect to a family caused by a loss of respect to me, that has affected everyone, with or without me knowing it or seeing it. And that’s when things have been taken too far, that’s creating a problem in understanding, that’s creating problems in comprehension, and that’s creating problems where non existed. And here we are again, at a headache, not feeling good, with no solution, and not making sense. This is both a caused condition of not feeling good, and a negative result of allowing someone into my life who did not love me, and only wanted to be written about. As though I have anything negative to say about anyone, as though I run on negatives, or as though Im supposed to rise to a grander occasion in life, and expected to feel good as pronounced. This is how unwanted impressions are made, that is composites of what you think over my mind as communicated through me, or trying to blow up insights in others upon seeing me, expect me to speak to, as though I am not intelligent, and make me a product of other peoples thoughts or what they have to see, to challenge me as to whether I am able to speak on behalf of my audience, who respectfully does not want to see me nude, and doesn’t care to see me nude. And that is challenging the basis for attraction, whether its my face, my mind, my body, or my identity that causes Men to have liked me present or past, and then hurt my condition, by hurting my image online, then cause me to punch my head, so that no one is attracted to me. This presents a source of discomfort, that is me not feeling good, and he probably feeling uncomfortably better about himself, having done this to me, watching me over the past 8 years suffer, lose 50lbs, then become obese, after having been punished slept on concrete for 14 hours in jail, for text messaging past a court order default judgment I did not attend on meds, because I called my Attorneys Office and no one responded to represent me in a Civil Matter. I was the person who people were just waiting for an excuse to attack, like being served at McDonalds a white envelop thrown in my car window into my lap, like I deserve it. If you don’t want to respond to Gun Violence, then don’t, and if that is why I was sued, then don’t now situate me in a fight, to be a fight about something that happened 2016, no one cared to talk to me about, no one cared to help me with, and no one cared to respond to me, as though Im supposed to figure things out on my own, and this is where there is no shared sense of pride. Like Im working for those who ignored me, or those who rejected me, or those who did not want to help me, and that then presents a source of discomfort to them and to all, presented by someone who treated me aggressively, put me down in life, and said things to me, to watch me then F up in life, or say things to cause me to F up in life, and insult me and my family, like they are expected to fight to these issues that others had with me, not their responsibility. Its not a fight, Gun Violence advocacy is not a fight, and fighting me does not cause Gun Violence, and if that what was being tested for, putting lives in jeopardy, then that explains why I am writing so much now, and why Gun Violence stopped, maybe I wasn’t saying enough, and wasn’t taking it far enough, and wasn’t saying exactly what was feared, or needed to be said.
Follow-up: I am not doing well now in a lot of pain, I understand not to fantasize about people, or to have an idealized view of a match, to either match in real life, or to not match at all, stay home. I think talking about the past is not helpful, and only subjects me to harm, that is not proper, or the right thing to do, to talk about the past at this point in time. Im sorry for liking someone, who did not like me, and Im sorry for anything I have written that has caused for others to lose respect for me. I understand that I am not strong enough to combat hate, if I cannot even stay well mental health wise, that must mean that I am not fit to be an influencer, or someone in pain who cannot help others. (10-12-20) I am sorry. I understand now, having been proven sick, that self-harm and suicide is not the correct response to being made fun of in public, I understand that if I choose to live life I can live life, but not if I am self-harming, that will only make things worse. I have done my best, and I am sorry if I do not sound well now, or do not sound smart, and am not doing a good job speaking, called 911. Obviously things are not going well for me mental health wise, and not strong enough for a fight. Posted: 2-6 Living in the public eye is not an easy concept to comprehend and to live through. As you get older you realize you were being watched or looked to, without even knowing it. And sometimes its not until later in life, you realize the significance of your experiences in life, and the expectations of you in life, as a representative of those experiences in life. You don’t have to have your life planned out in order to be a person of importance one day, that is someone with a paycheck, who is able to work and take care of others in life. You just have to live a good life. When reality hits sometimes its to cause us to realize things in life, others thought we didn’t see, or come to accept a fact about ourselves, we never saw ourselves as. And that’s life, sometimes you are in the moment, making things happen for yourself in life, and sometimes life is happening around you, and youre not apart of the action. That’s watching life happen, or life happening to you. We don’t all handle problems the same, and we don’t all address problems in the same manner. Some of us more vocal than others, when it comes to supporting a cause, or trying to make a positive difference in the lives of others, through work related activities. Then there is blogging, a step below all standards when it comes to public speaking, seen as somewhat of a joke, the more passionate you are about life, or causes for that matter, including sharing what you think. I think depending upon where you come from in life, others may see you public speaking as a joke, a manifestation of what privileges you have been afforded in life, not be seen as someone speaking from a peoples point of view, or assume its from a point of view geared politically in support of others past or presently, or just yourself. When you get treated as a source of embarrassment, that really causes one to think about life, their purpose in life, and what it is they are doing with their life. What is embarrassment? According to psychologytoday.com, “embarrassment is a response to something that threatens our projected image but is otherwise morally neutral.” [1] To me morally neutral means does not offend the senses of another, whether that’s in comprehension of whats gone wrong, or upon hearing about, does not similarly cause discomfort to anyone overhearing about a situation. Some conditions are laughable in life, and I think that is what the purposes of making fun of people is for, whether that’s in a loving way referenced to, or for the purposes of causing another discomfort, to see how they look or appear, not knowing what things are about, and things being about them, react and respond to others, operating on a different playing field in life, or non-respect for the other, or seeing the other as stupid, that’s being talked about in life, a conversation apart from you, that leave you out of the equation, and looked at for observation, or for ignoring, as unimportant. Then there is shame, which psychologytoday.com identifies as a feeling in “response to something that is morally wrong or reprehensible.” [2] What does that mean to me? It means a behavior or action that is not in congruence to what is tolerable by a well-mannered society to see or know about, an unacceptable condition of terms, which society is never forced to comprehend or know about to circumvent their understandings of reality, or significance of events in time and reactions by known parties who responded. According to this article, “Shame arises from measuring our actions against moral standards and discovering that they fall short.” [3] According to this definition, its by comparing our own standards against the standards of another, that causes one to feel shame, which to me means jealously, not feeling as good as, or feeling incompetent, or not as able as, that to me results from a lack of an ability to be happy for others, to accept the condition of others as is, or trying to change to accommodate the conditions of what is expected. -Before I started writing this post I was thinking about the difference between people putting people down in life, when others get made fun of, when people get made fun of in a loving way, and when someone gets put down in a condescending way, occurring when someone gets to know you, and in front of others treat them as a source of embarrassment. I was the only one who flew to DC after a series of School Shootings to appear in person in front of the US Supreme Court, and if that’s a joke to you, or a source of embarrassment, than I was not there for you, or to quell your questions or concerns with regards to what was going wrong at the time not apart of. I don’t think that Shootings or School Shootings were intended to bite into bigger concepts in terms of creativity and representation of facts or people in society. Sometimes its not until later in life when you become a public figure, that you get calculated into equations upon being known to all, whether things past were about you, until now things seem to be about you, while reading or watching the work of others, see resemblance to ones candor exhibited by others, or in ones character or standpoint, as represented by someone other than me, seeming to be about me. And that’s the shocking part, seeing someone, an not accepting them as they are, and seeking to change their condition, or their behavior, or image, to present a different feeling about them. I will tell you this, I have worked hard my entire life, and never in my life have I not taken anyone seriously in life, or treated someone as less than, never have I ignored someone, or not responded to anyone, seen myself as above anyone in life, or treated anyone in my life as experiment. For some reason, just because you are known, you get studied in life, and in studying you in life, think have a better understanding of reality, facts, circumstances, or ramifications of me speaking think that my understandings in life run counter to other accepted representations of me by others. That is pinning me against experts in life, that’s pinning me against others in life, and that pinning me against Women in life as compared, and that’s pinning me against Men in life, to discuss a male problem out loud, and then treat me as though I have Male problems, to shed light upon other concepts with regards to School Shootings, as though attachment to music is an unreasonable connection, or founded upon an irrational basis to someone accused as being responsible for the voice or music listened to blamed for the first School Shooting. That’s an unwanted comparison, to make fun of me, how I take care of myself, then treat me as someone with gender identity issues, that causes discomfort to others, gamble with my image, to see if it is possible for me to be a cause of gun violence, if I look like someone who caused gun violence past, or exhibit issues he exhibited being sexual in a music video dressed as a Woman. Please don’t hurt me, or ask for nude photos to make a Marilyn Manson, Marilyn Monroe joke, and make fun of my life as lived, just to hear the sweet sound of two names being stated by one. That is to say that what things were made to look like, was seen by me, and offense taken to an unreasonable extent, as though that was appropriate to make fun of me presently, and then after being made fun of in public respond, in defense of others to School Shootings, not having been about for the same reasons, then blame me, as though I was the speaker online 2011, whos voice or concerns shared were the cause of Gun Violence, put me down in life, as though I was mentally ill as a law student, or that its not okay for me to share online, if its not MLK quality. That’s an unwanted cartooning of my identity, claim title to generating that inference about me, or about others, treat others as though they should know, or as though I spoke to others, receive any pardons or special privileges in life, I don’t. I have to do everything on my own, write, research, apply for jobs, work, make connections in life, make friends, all while everyone treats me as stupid, as though I have not worked hard and mean well in life, and that’s where the difficulty lies, others trying to mean well by hurting me for reactions and pushing me over the edge in life, and then treat me as though I am guilty, or have not done right in life to help prevent School Shootings, and have not done the research, or as though that’s not apart of my understandings about life to prevent. Treat me as garbage online, as though I don’t matter. I don’t think I need to matter to Kids, unless you make me matter, and if you publish nude photos of my on Facebook that’s to make me matter to those on the mental health hashtag in an unlikeable and offensive way. Including posting funeral photos with photos of me presently in bra and underwear and ask for more photos to present me in a grose way, as though Im supposed to identify with nude models or sex issues, as though I have sex issues of my own. I don’t have sex issues, I stopped having sex 2014, that was a choice not to engage in sexual activity with any human beings. And it is because of who I like or have courted since, that I get treated as reject, that is seeing me single, or without friends, or companionship, treated as someone without love, trashable. I have a job, I have a website, and its not for anyone to hurt me, or to take away my ability to write, and to not hold me to standards of negative judgment just to hear me speak to what was thought, or what others are thinking now, to see if I am connected to who is reading. Who is reading is connected to what is said, and to their own lives, and what is thought is based upon exposure drawn to, that is what you are thinking, think about, and then find what it is you are thinking about, something that matches what you are thinking, and sometimes that is how matches are made, to something that is said, and later researched found on point with what was being thought or said, and sometimes you have to write what you are thinking without use of reference to things that have been said, and that’s not now nor never a source of drive to be in competition to other peoples readings of events and what was communicated then need to read into things that people have said or think were about me or my experiences in life, communicated to all. I understand that if there is a pandemic, the first person to respond to should be a political figure to hear what they have to say such as the President. Then there are later calls to actions by Private Organizations led by people with years experience accepting people as they are, and supporting society as it is, not be held responsible for Gun Violence. Then there is now, where someone who created a website in support of Brady is being questioned as whether one is able to prevent Gun Violence, or whether someone is acting in a way that misrepresents the values of a Private Organization in their efforts to stop Gun Violence. I think I have done my best in public, I do not think that my private life is as orderly as my public persona, I think in private I continue to be treated as stupid and tested in life, I do not think its appropriate to be treated as Fraud, I have met with the President of Brady, my hashtag was approved by her #bloggingcampaign, and I registered the music hashtag with my Corporation Papers in the State of California, so that they would not be blamed for Gun Violence, as victims of Gun Violence, that was so that Music could produce absent minded feeling being put to blame or shame for the quality of their work product speak to whatever they want to speak to in life as they should be for the people, not about sides. And now My Corporation is listed on IMDb, that is to support the creation of work product that can work in avoidance of non-stated issues fought about, or sources of disagreement over acceptances in life, when it comes to my identity, what was or was not about me, or created in reference to me past. (This is an example of a problem being alluded to, that isnt a problem now, to be hurt, and forced to speak about a problem that no longer exists, with risk of the problem happening again as mentioned, to argue against me claim that its upon stating a problem that a problem occurs, like suicide, thats not true, just like all imbalances, a chemical imbalance is what causes suicide, left untreated, and with regards to Gun Violence, it is not my place to state where the lost sense of pride and tolerance for living life has occurred and why, and then think about or state, what is working, without knowing what is working, put me at risk of harm, make me seem like Im the negotiator, and treat me as a failure if Gun Violence happens, say that Im not doing a good job, under attack personally, Im doing the best job I can do online, and if my job or line of work writing is not appreciated, its to devalue me, to say that I make no difference, or that everything was to make fun of me, as though I have not made a positive difference). I cant tell you one thing, if there is no sense of pride or established set of standards or facts to go by, then there would be no ammunition for others to go off by in life, making fun of me, or casting blames toward me, as though Ive not done a good job representing myself or my ideas in life, helped make it possible for me to have a life, and to speak online, by doing the right things in life. I report constantly to LAPD and tell them where I am at and what I am thinking, and I call the Courts when in need to explain what it is Im thinking or feeling, thats so they can make better decisions when it comes to caring for and protecting us all. If thats not a solution or proper response or answer to your misunderstandings about me, push, pry, and heckle me in life, as though I deserve it or should be held responsible for the acts of terrorism made by others, its not my fault, I was not a contributory factor in their hate toward us, and I was not a contributory factor in Gun Violence toward others, and there are your statements as stated, to then attack me by, and thats how a fight happens, and thats how a fight continues, and thats how a fight doesnt end, its not until you say something that speaks to what they are thinking provided by you, so that they feel as though they have won, and then that hurts the stability of others, not wanting to hear what cannot be fixed or prevented, thats bringing the people or my audience into a discussion, without providing a solution to a problem, existing by one, who seeks to make me look stupid, to blame me for everything under the moon he sees fit, without knowing me and how hard I have worked for 8 years in order to speak now clearly. Thats not in avoidance of issues or problems, thats by directly stating what I care about, what matters to me, and sharing what I think in regards to what is going well, without criticizing negativity, negative judgements, or negative viewpoints of my life, or my purpose in life, make things about defenses in life, and not allow me to live life free from harm, ridicule, or embarrassment cause to say that an outer fight is about me, or to cause a fight to be about me, create problems where non exist.
Reference: [1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201408/the-psychology-embarrassment-shame-and-guilt [2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201408/the-psychology-embarrassment-shame-and-guilt [3] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201408/the-psychology-embarrassment-shame-and-guilt Posted: 1-6
If there are more do nots that you think of, feel free to contribute, to this ongoing discussion. Heading: #blogpost: Agreement with the People ... #thinking #behavior #repercussions #wellness #space #respect #distance #compliance #boundaries #fame #likeability #nevergiveup Originally Posted: 10-08-20 A positive outlet, means being well spoken, it doesn’t mean say anything, and it should also be with respect for the confidences of others, that’s as seen not described, as spoken to, not talked about, and while you try to understand your own mental health issues, understand too, that it may because you are sharing outloud, how you are feeling, and expecting others to understand, or be understanding if you are not feeling well. There is a such condition as no remorse, and I think at this point in time Im treading thin waters. That is taking offense, or feeling threatened, and then sharing too much, and then getting hurt in the process of sharing. What you remember, however valuable, should not serve as a reminder or be remembered as communication about, don’t think too hard about how people have been punished, or what for. If mentioned seems affected, if affected, it is wanted to know for what reasons, and if we have all experienced tragedy, then why bring up tragedy or try to make sense of tragedy if you have problems of your own. That means you were given problems in life to address, such as addiction or drinking, and its you that gets separated from sources of wellness, that’s to see how you respond, with people in your life, or without people in your life, if you can still focus after having suffered losses. There is focusing, and then there is not returning to a normal life past focused, and that doesn’t mean that one was doing well why one was separated, it was though that one was doing wrong, or for the wrong reasons struggling, either not focused on what was important, not smart enough to be where they were, or punished to bring down in life, for not taking as prescribed two adderralls, in school part-time. So that was my fault, not that semester but at some point bought a few adderrall, from a person named “Barber” who after being introduced to my friend, no longer connected with heard from. I now know that if you are doing something wrong in life, and things do not work out for you, it is because you are doing something wrong, and if you are not smart enough to achieve in life, its because you haven’t worked hard enough, or not able to achieve to the level required in order to represent others, to love others, or to be respected among friends. Never trust a friends advice, if you have a problem in life see a Doctor. That’s the main lesson. If you get done in life, that is how you get treated as less than in life, and if you talk about your sex life, that’s how you get judged as not smart, or thinking that you can resolve your problems on your own. At what point do friends try to help eachother, and left under the wings of others, during times of illness, whoever is more well stable, and whoever is not well unstable, that your friends nor a companion can fix, the decisions you make while drinking or what happens to you upon separation. So that’s is my story of failure, got a job in DC, and because I bought adderrall, did not take two finals, was dumped before one, and went to the hospital, with an A and a Witken Award, which my brother smashed upon being displayed in the kitchen, broke the frame and the glass the award was snapped in half, something I was proud of, but was treated instead as a product of addiction. Its really hard to be accepting of someone who has a good life, and looks stupid, its really difficult, and really difficult to accept that I ruined my career not taking as prescribed on two adderrall a day, in night classes, with Westlaw only available after hours. I think by now, everyone knows your story, all your excuses, every fact, and has tried to help. But once you ruin your career, you cannot expect to get your life back, no matter how hard you try, that’s the real world, not there with you when youre well, and certainly does not support you if you become ill, that’s treating you as deserving of mental health issues, or illness, and then basing what has gone right in life, based upon those from your life doing well. I have kept in touch with people, but its usually when I am doing well, its hard to talk to a lot of people. I understand that there are no excuses for stupidity, and lack of common sense and this is why I do not have money, and was told not to give me money, because I have addiction, that was decided by me 2013, not intended to serve as punishment, but because I don’t need money to finish school or to get a job paid, was well enough and smart enough to attract those things into my life, but unfortunately because of addiction, and because I limited my finances to just as needed, that is how I appeared to others, not respected or not of value because I tried hard, and didn’t feel solid, because I looked well or confident, and thought I looked like I thought I was more special than I was or going places in life, and now I understand, that when you are at peace and focused, that is when you get harmed, if you stop focusing on yourself, get attached to others, or think too much about life or your interactions in life, sound like your assuming people intended to hurt you, or had an agenda, that’s just reading into things too much, let go.
Heading: #blogpost: I Don't Think Blogging is Helpful ... #adderrall #privileges #rehab #buyingmeds #beingprescribed #managingmoods #understandinghate #noforgiveness #embarrssment #nogoingback #neverreturningtowellness #treatedasconnected #notsayinganythingright Originally Posted: 10-08-20 Taking a break from blogging, need to rest, maxed out in terms of content. Im not feeling well, and if Im not feeling well, what I have to say, will not benefit others to hear from me. I either need to go to the hospital to fix my condition, or stop engaging with others in public if I am not strong enough. I wish everyone well, and glad that others are doing better now, whether or not I am able to do well. Its important that I improve or else my life becomes more difficult than it needs to be. I do support everyones wellness, and Im sorry if my condition now does not support the wellness of others. If I am not well, then I cannot be of positive influence, especially during COVID, if I am talking about things that cause me pain, or are painful subjects addressed. You will work hard in life, that doesn’t mean that you will be smart or feel smart. Once you look stupid, it will be difficult to work, be trusted, respected, or given privileges in life. And that’s called suffering on your own merits. Ive never been one to blame others, respond to everyones texts, and never one to judge anyone as the source of my instability past, but understand that because of who I was and based on who I hooked up with, judged as a “weirdo” or not pretty. I was called “tone deaf” “lesbo” “schizoid” online with nude photos of me published, with hate commentary and hashtagged to OJ and his Family, to treat me similarly as responsible for the conditions of others. Im not connected, Im known, and if known, or famous, one should be taught to control what is thought about them, by having a public persona, not just stay home study or date privately, and that’s how you get looked at for error, and that makes living difficult. When you get situated in a position of responsibility for the health of others, if you are not able to stay well yourself, self-harm is not therefore an excuse from liability to claim mental illness, it’s a condition upon looking well hearing voices, and then hitting my head, punching my head as hard as I can, I used to just hit my head lightly, its gotten worse, not better. I think with mental health issues on meds, based on your education get treated as a normal person in life. A type A personality lawyer, Im not a lawyer, so to be told I was one, if with the degree I was going for in life, make fun of how I got in with ¾ a JD, is hurting me as though I lie for acceptances, or have not met the required number of coursework to get into a law program. I understand my intelligence as not well is unimpressive, and if my condition poor hard to love. I never tried to be loveable or be Americas sweetheart, those positions are reserved for those who are positive and well, not people who talk about private problems out loud mentally ill. You cannot fake wellness, I think I have given it my best online, and need to take a break now. Return to wellness, and when I recover write on a good day, not when I am mentally ill in pain.
Originally Posted: 10-08-20 Chances are if its hurting my head, and if I was self-harming, and if this is what was said, then its coming from a place of discomfort, which was just now reported to 911 LAPD, for examination of my thoughts with regards to the passings of others, and what happened to me. It is also known that if my condition does not improve, that will make living difficult for me, beyond what is necessary, at this point being quiet, only subjects me to voices, and if pushing myself only makes me tired, and does not “resolve” hate towards me, then that is a condition about others I cannot cure, nor need to think about, nor can 66k monthly viewers to my Pinterest control how I am feeling or what I am thinking, that’s virtual support, that’s not medicine to remedy anything past or currently wrong with me. Now I know why I look weird in my room, it’s the painting, and the mirror the size of an exercise mirror, that’s to call me out as pervert, as though I exercise in my room, or for the purposes of seeing how I feel being labeled or made fun of esoterically without me knowing it, but visable to others, which brings up an issue of tolerance, if my face and my body changes and I look jolly or obnoxious, that must mean there is an energy on a physical object placed to communicate to others something that is now not making me feel good, to look into. That’s being labeled a pervert, based upon the content you view, the bicuriosity you explore, looked at and thought of as a pervert in need of vagina or a womans love, or who looks at womens bodies or vaginas for pleasure, perverted, and that’s how I was treated, that’s therefore not a source of empowerment to me or others to discuss when that happened, or why that happened, or why when I was not awake presentable and half awake or present, no one could help me, when not performing in life, that’s being treated as a "goner" or someone who is going in life, and that’s how you get viewed, for entertainment, how one looks or appears, based upon what is thought of them, and no one helps you in life, gone. That’s what makes me becoming gay, not okay, and that’s what makes me self pleasuring not okay, which I have since stopped, no matter how empowering it is to others, I don’t need to live a life, people pleasing my way to sanity, fitting any molds in life, or build any acceptances for myself moving forward, be given proof of an ability or even worse proof of being gay and how gay I was, and what I look like gay, and how another felt when I was labeled gay, lose beauty. Im sorry if no one understood asexuality, or didn’t understand me not hooking up with anyone in High School and then in College dated older, it must be because I was not thin and I was not pretty why no one hooked up with me, and why someone older did me, to turn me into a woman. I know now that in order to be a confident woman, you need intelligence, and I know now, that what people think of you looking at you matters, so always dress the part, and do your best to make a good first impression, and I now know, that is at a later point in time I become sick, then it will be justified by my behavior private to support the opinions of others, having watched me over the years in private, be the judge of who I am or who I am not. Now is the point of inappropriateness, to talk to women, or to a younger population, if I now know that because I do not have friends, was treated as more mature because I talk to my Mom, as though it was okay for me to match up with older Men, as though I was not understood the same or treated the same by Men my age, that’s when you understand the male ego, likes to play, likes to keep things light, and if you are too heavy or too serious they lighten you up or ignore you altogether, "you only have one life to live" be happy or complain and be alone talking about things that only matter to you or make others feel uncomfortable hearing about, if its not a problem you were born with, then just stop, and dont explain, next time, free of notifications or help from others, or defenses provided in support of others, now unwanted. Now is a condition of illness, I cant imagine me dating or hooking up now, and can understand now why it seems as though I am someone who gives love but when not well does not make another feel good, I understand that now about myself as mentally ill, with my face and body changing. I can take responsibility for not feeling good, and even if I do not understand what was done to me, I understand it was thought deserved as though I am attracted to younger, or people who are new, as though I feel good among people who feel good, its I do not feel good anywhere. If I cannot stay well, then that makes this blog uncomfortable, not suitable for award as applied to, too uncomfortable, not something publicly discussable, or too immature for comfort, or speaking too far in the past, which is painful if looking back seeing anything in the negative, and that’s me not being well, and others doing well, as representation of me being the thoughts or the person overcome, of excelled beyond comprehension of me or my problems in life. I think things are too personal now, and now I see application for award as not in good timing, or not on subjects comfortable for everyone to know, including my own issues, let alone others from memory, who I was not even that close to in life, or who left my life, and don’t need me in life. It’s the condition I am in now, that causes someone who liked me to hurt me, as leaving or going in life, or not tolerant of others, thinking about the past too much or not happy now. And that is how I get hurt, when my health is failing, when Im in pain, when Im not feeling good, and at the same token do not make others feel good or reassured in life. That’s when life is not a game, although others treat your life like a game, as though that’s appropriate thinking your condition, story, or sharing contributed to others coming up in life, and then treat you as a source of illness as though you were referenced for insult by song, or by body part responsible for the condition of others or hate, as though one was exposed with expectation of being seen by all, or by people who do not know me, or capable of hurting others. At what point are you considered famous, and responsible for what other people think, or how they see things? #stophate
Heading: #blogpost: Personal Update ... #stophate #bodyparts #blames #femininity #sexuality #looking #introductions #similarities #beingawoman #thinkinglikeawoman #beingtreatedlikeaman Originally Posted: 10-08-20 And 2020 another example or recovered and looks stupid, humiliated in public, and then notified of humiliation, this person doesnt care if I live or die, doesnt respect me or my family, and thinking everything is about him, that was about food poisoning in the Phillippines. I dont need you to end my life, I dont need someone random to shoot me down to let me know that I dont know a thing about life, and I dont need to be put down to protect the wellness of others, if I am already suffering thats not a win for me, or a loss, thats cause for giving up in life, not trying, if this is all I have and what helped me to recover from mental illness, then why make me go through mental illness again, and in public be looked at for reaction for voices, just to shine light on all the ideas and concepts you had lined up about me in life, to prove, as though I would blame anyone for my luck in life, I create my own luck or wellness in life, and thats by being good, not by being loud and mentally ill, thats being unhappy. How can you expect me to live, being treated like a piece of $hit, mentally ill, retarded, and a whore, who the F do you think you are to ruin my life, hurt my confidence, and allow mental illness and voices to destroy me, hurt my intelligence or control me, and act like youve done nothing wrong, and then expect me to speak to you, until you feel better, forgive you as though thats okay to be trashed online, Im a real mind, and a real body, and it hurts when I work hard, and then get hurt when I am well. When I am well, that took years to get to that place of peace, kind enough to talk to others, well enough to hold conversation or be attractive in the least, now my head is small, I have punched my head, because of voices, now I am not pretty, and now its me giving up in life, to enable or make okay what communications about me as though I have failed in helping others, or that it is my cares that have caused me mental illness, and treat me as though me caring is for me a push in life to care, now its a push in life to care, missing appointments, missing therapy, find out its Thursday, thats getting beaten up on life, and thats to treat me as though my condition improved by blog, then force me to start over in life, when Ive barely made it in life at all, I have to be well to work, if I am not well I cannot work, and if others do not like me then I stay home, those are my choices in life, dont treat me like I have options. Re: nude photos posted of me to make me look grose and used up or seem as though I am getting well to attract attentions from all, if I am now not well, then I am nothing to look at, a waste of money shopping, a waste of money going to two law schools, and a waste of time and energy flying to DC, and a waste of time improving or losing weight, that means that I have not helped, and if I am not well, means I have done something wrong to deserve to die, and thats how you get set up in life, based upon how you look and sound deemed the responsible one, and thats when others become convinced your the problem. Im sorry I cared. I can go back to sleeping all day, and stay in my room, apparently not worth going out back into the world or meeting others.
Originally Posted: 10-08-20 Be mindful of the fact that not everyone has meds, or experiences in life to explain their conditions like Leslie. Note: What is a manifestation of her, is never intended to misrepresent facts or people. And what is communicated internally as being about her, is also done so with respect to all sides, or people, with consideration for their feelings too. And be mindful that it is new to science to accept the fact that we can (1) be internally communicating as to whats going on around us presently or past inherit (2) internally communicate as to our own needs presently or in representation of self past having not been well and now better, (3) internally communicate and recognize now that that represents what is going on around us as a supposed communication about or inherited from, and (4) recognize now that by stating what is, insult is taken as to, who thought first and reacted that way, versus who now is responding or reacting similarly, seen as a product in it of itself, not like or similar to a product in it or of itself past. That’s history, what was then and is no longer now, and that’s the benefit of living presently, not having to go through the same battles alone, literally or figuratively, and being able to read with cohesion sets of ideas or beliefs that represent a well frame of mind, that is a recognized wellness apart from the chaos, and that is the gift of literature, when it works. Take you beyond the realm of what is expected, and makes sense, much like writing to make sense, rather than to meet ideas, and arriving to a new way of thinking about things, that keeps others in a state of wellness, that is away from illness, or redundancy, that is like typing up my table of contents and going backwards and Barack Obama suggested forwards, that’s when we are trying to recreate a well feeling, or a past feeling now, and without solution provided as to dealing with new facts and circumstances and variables, addressed, as to what has gone well, leave alone, and what needs work, not yet addressed. And this is why professionals are important, not that they create short-cuts for us moving forward, but they are capable of protecting people, from getting into issues, from fighting, from unreasonable assertion of defenses, unnecessary competition, unreasonable interferences, loss of enthusiasm and withdrawals, and let us know, and each side, of what is important to think about, in order to comprehend what is of value now, the time of one another on earth, without the necessity of wasting the time of one or the other spent trying to understand the other, which is a fight, when neither side sees like the other, and when each side feels as though what they think is right, whether or not the other is wrong, do not wish to hear from them, and this is why we have LOWER COURT Judges, to micro-manage the emotions and thoughts of people who think they are not at fault for their thinking or by what has been done to them so deserved, and either given an opportunity to be heard, or if you live in California it is highly recommended to hire an Attorney, who avoids Trial, that is bringing everything into consideration, whether or not a person meant well and was not able to help you with your problems, if your problems wind up hurting the psyche or anothers comprehension of what needs work or what is working, then it is your fault, for shedding light upon problems or issues, one does not want to personally feel indebted to representing in life, an organization dedicated to preventing gun violence, so that everytime something bad happens does not feel apart of the solution that’s either working or not working toward preventing, and would rather not be included or be precluded from discussions that’s understandable, I know everyone feels hurt when things are not going well, I know everyone gets sad when no one is rolling well, and I understand that everyone has to make money and usually only dedicates 2% of their everyday thinking to social issues, concerning likeability. So what is the HIGHER COURT for, well one thing is for certain its not for gambling, and secondly, of course they care about everyone, and maybe even you specifically, but they cannot live life for you, or re-nominate you most popular in your class, if it ends the same way no matter what State your in, if you smoke weed, or do cocaine, no matter what State youre in you lose friends, you lose your mind, and you go into depression, and God knows who else was dependent upon you rolling well with Straight As on every board, untouchable, attending events like Glamour Women of the Year Awards, that’s when others were proud of you, maybe not proud of who your friends were and why, but proud nonetheless. No one ever thought that we were expected to wow a crowd, or inspire a Nation, or set a trend with barrettes in our hair. Proud!
Heading: #blogpost: Not Everyone Has Meds ... #dontdodrugs #drinking #teams #expectancy #hopes #dreams #State #Colorado #California #popularity #gambling (#lowercourt v. #highercourt). Originally Posted: 10-07-20 At what point does it become a fight, when it concerns your own health, with respect to the health of others, and this is what Doctors are for. It is never recommended to engage with confrontations with others, or to subject yourself for assessment to others, treat one another as though eachother can diagnose a problem existing within, not all relationships based upon trust equally benefit one another, the giver or the receiver of attentions, and this is where health matters. Being someone well enough to communicate what is wrong, and being someone well enough to decipher what is wrong, or what is going right, that is not for a normal person to decide to identify what is well or not about someone, decide to help or not help someone who is in a position of not feeling well, who needs help being made to feel better. When it comes to advocacy it has been said that, “We must know and promote our worth and recognize that if we are not strong and healthy as a profession, we cannot help others.” [1] This statement reflects what I have said in previous statements, about the importance of my condition, when it comes to blogging, being aware of my following, during moments of improvement, versus now. Just like any situation in which you are made to not feel well, or be among a proper representative sample of those who are sharp and doing well able to help others, and sound well, is where my condition as bipolar interferes with my ability to work or help others, sound. And this is how Social Media took off running, when it comes to peer-to-peer group support, and distribution of wellness through influencer systems of supporting the condition of wellness among readers in a social way. As stated “Although advocacy as a whole has become increasingly relevant over the past two decades, efforts related to professional advocacy have received less attention and therefore made little headway in comparison with client and social issues advocacy.” [2] It’s a very new concept to critique the helper, its not something we intuitively do, not to our Doctors, not to our Counselors, and not to our Friends, question their “competency.” For example, “All counselors have felt called to be agents of change. In fact, our ethics codes and professional competencies mandate that we advocate for and alongside our clients.” [3] In more professional titles of helping, not with the role of a blogger, professionals have been described to be most successful when considering the best interests of their client, which explains why opening up to someone who supports you is an important choice when it comes to getting help, how opening up to the wrong people in life, non-professionals, can subject you to harm, in the creative sense, of being experimented with, or treated as a “political cartoon” or “figurine” to represent a different set of conditions about you, can you imagine sharing in private to a professional, and then them telling the entire world, about your experience with them, that would be unprofessional, to have been identified in public, as an example of someone who has helped by them, then spoken about, even if it were in a book, to demonstrate their professional experience. This is a subject that I have thought about during the course of my studies, and have veered away from, keeping who has been helped separate from my own life, never inheriting their stories, but have noticed differences in treatment of me, to then represent me as someone, who came from a different childhood, or a different background, or a difficult past, or a tumultuous adolescence, to explain my condition now, whether I attribute my current condition to those who I was exposed to, or to my own experiences in life, to my own experiences absent minded them. Its therefore so important as a professional, to benefit someone without causing harm to them, or taking away from that benefit, to benefit oneself, that’s like helping Brady, and then saying I am helping them, by helping myself, and that’s how they are doing better now, because I helped them, take credit for one interaction, to say that an improved condition now is because of something I have done or not done, be looked at. When you get looked at, in comparison to the clients or people you have helped in your life, and if they are doing better, or are not well, that is why you are looked at, judged as having done a good job helping someone, or not have done a good job helping another, as the professional you then become responsible for how a client reacts or responds, that’s one example of first-hand experience “a client walked out of the court room in front of a Judge,” I was late to court that day and did not prep them, that was my fault that she was not serviced that day, my supervising Attorney was out of town, and did not think it was appropriate to talk to a client without her present, to prep, or speak to before court, its so that they feel cared for check in with. That maybe explains why Im online, its not just to my benefit to speak, but I have found through my own personal experience, if you are not where you should be in life, and if you are not present and available to support someone in need, then you then become responsible as the person who did not monitor a condition of another, or make them feel comfortable communicating to a Judge in front of others. That is an example, of seeing something, then something happening to me in my life, and seeming to have responded similarly, as though I react or respond, based upon things I have seen, or based upon experience, as though I do not understand the difference between right or wrong, and not strong independent of others viewpoints or exposures, that is how one becomes like a client, by taking work home with you, and working on a spreadsheet table of contents typing a biography timeline of their life, because you felt bad that you did not show up, did extra work, before writing a Motion on their behalf, you were demanded to write the day of requested. That’s an Attorney returning back from Hawaii pregnant with Twins, and left you alone for a bit, at her desk, be on time, lesson. That was a big lesson, its almost as innate, as who you feel you have harmed, or upset, or were not there for, feel responsible for the condition exhibited, that day, bear the responsibility to fix, its moments like that professionally that stay on your record of care. How effective were you at helping others, when did you let anyone down if ever, and how could you have been more there for others, so that they would not respond in that way. That was my experience working for Kids, so far so good with my Nephew and Nieces, all smiles and shouting “Leslie!!!” excited to see me, even at his Birthday party from the slide, when I walked in, in a room full of people, that’s so nice to be acknowledged by people who know you, without shame, knowing you. They’ve seen me at the door talking to the Police, they’re very mature and well exposed to the conditions, and me in Purple Headphones in my room. Maybe the first person with mental health issues they have seen, but smart enough to stay well in spite of whats going on around them, and nice enough to greet me when they see me. That’s a big lesson, when you are well, you have so much potential to help make a difference in life of another, who is not put together, or who needs help, you never know who may need help later on in life, so its best to start helping, before you give up entirely, with the concept, or being there for others, and trying to go back to work, that’s advocacy, once you fail, such as the time I mentioned about a counselor who didn’t stop a “child molestation case” she regretted how she handled the call, and it stuck with her, I was glad not to be like her, confident with the calls I had received and the people I had helped, no problems yet.
Reference: [1] https://ct.counseling.org/2020/06/professional-advocacy-a-call-to-the-profession/ [2] https://ct.counseling.org/2020/06/professional-advocacy-a-call-to-the-profession/ [3] https://ct.counseling.org/2020/06/professional-advocacy-a-call-to-the-profession/ Heading: #blogpost: Fighting for Your Life ... (Why threatening me and my family is really painful to hear, hurtful, and scary to think about how I would be hurt, was hurt). Originally Posted: 10-04-20 |
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