Once you fail to inspire, that doesn’t mean that youre any less of a person, that just means that youre hurt, and youre story hurts, and at some point in time if not impressive cannot later be proven, so that’s not a clear risk, that’s there not being something special about you, that can fix another, lift someone up from their own ashes of despair (depression), lighten up a mood (what needs fixing), or cause for anyone else to believe (in their own options in life). As you reflect on your life, and all the memories you have, don’t let anyone put you asunder, so if it means backing off, good, if it means not sharing, good, if it means that you cannot help others (good). Those are all signs of giving up in life, not on yourself, but in terms of acceptance from others, just don’t shoot yourself in the foot on your way out, that will likely be their resolution (your failures in life, or upbringing for that matter). You cant stop anyone from trying to specialize their story in life, by utilization of your identity of what you have to say. Nows not a time when anything powerful can be said, to automatically fix everyone, that occurs during a moment of doubt, so let those pains sit, they are not their own, and if not of my own making, then of the making of someone else, who does not see the value in me, which cannot be proven online or by law degrees. What is a risk? Its anyone who does not see the good in you, does not feel good by you, and does not want you in their life, and maybe not in the lives of others, and its that translation of issues, that causes you to question your direction and purpose in life. So what can be done? If I was not good enough to date and marry then, then no of course having a website will not cause all of that to happen for me in life, and not especially now, where the value is brought into question, that is by how Im feeling, how my website feels to others, and then based on a total feeling coming from me and everyone, what causes me to thrive, my audience, or myself. That’s no ones fault, usually when things don’t work out for you (ie “job loss”) that doesn’t mean that there is something wrong or defective with you, it just means that your heart is rested on something else, and if that’s a blog, that’s a huge commitment to stand to in life, to continue to improve and to also help others to improve. Its not a money pit, its not a blame pit, its not a guilt pit, and its not a sickness pit, so if anyone views me as that, then they are not clear on their own understandings, or how powerful empathy or compassion really is, if youre still alive to read this and not affected by me, then that means that you are strong, and you don’t need to be exposed to anyone in life, in wellness or sickness, to recognize youre own self-worth and humanity.
What creates a strong moral philosophy? Its when you speak and don’t affect anyone, that’s leaving people in their shells in life, and as a writer, you can bring out the best in others, and that’s what inspiration is about, not allowing the worst of you to be brought out by any number of connections in life, I think 17 million people witnessed my face go from messy to sharp this year and that was a really cool improvement to say the least. So lets leave it at that, what mental health is all about. It will mostly be about not giving up on yourself, no matter what the conditions are or what animosity or politics are about, wellness is not immunity, Im like everyone else navigating through my own hardships in life, and not making my problems reflect poorly on anyone that has come into my life, nor be held responsible for any number of setbacks Ive endured, having fallen sick or not done well in life, and if a worse later condition amounted to me self-harming, then that has nothing to do with movies or music, and is about getting voices, which I cannot prove or cannot solve, not through blogging, so if it happens again, then who is the cause of that, someone watching me (apple computer), someone connected to me (by phone review), someone Im talking to (should always be quiet), or someone Im writing to (there should be no fear present). Therefore what is though of you will be based on (your exposures, what you collect, what you keep, what you save) then you get examined based upon whether you are like anything you see, have influenced anything youre looking at, then judged as whether you (looking at you) cause a pain (something you’ve said: does that cause a pain), or is there some outer layer of truth about life (something everyone can see that I cant see in life). #stopsuicide
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There is no later state of arrival from a down position, that’s a position that causes you pain, and that pain is done for the purpose of generating a response from you, to make sense of their deductions of you. Not all will be welcome to your presence, or know what youre about, but there will be something about you not liked, and if cannot be proven, then just go your separate ways, that is the trait inherent to someone, upon looking at you, does not agree with something your saying, or what youre doing, and its from the deduction that people make the leap towards you, not in conformity to your interests present or past, and that’s a feeling that cannot be done away with, someone done with you, so just do your best to part ways. It’s a very heavy compression, on anyone, who is one way, and is viewed as another, that cannot be proven through words alone, what it physically feels like to be a position, that gets voices, or if anyone is trying to blame, in favor of another, it is how your past is perceived is how you get treated, as the position you get put in, is so that no one else is made to feel that way, until it’s a recognizable feeling to others, that you are in pain, or not going to make it, and that is what others become not sure of about you, why you are in a position of pain that cannot be made better, all letting gos hurt, and its not something that you can later prove, to get along with any voices in your head, in your body, or around you, pretending to be something no longer here, in representation of someone no longer here, then treat you like youre not longer here, to see how you look feel or respond to others trying to speak to you as though you are not living, or not thriving, or not going to make it, to make it a state issue, as to who is deserving of what treatments and life on what basis. There is a point of not turning around, and whether or not that is dying, or mental illness, its obviously a condition that I cannot run in, you can never do anything to please anyone who responds not in favor of you, they don’t think of you in a positive way, therefore you don’t make them feel good, no matter whether you have graduated are getting job interviews, that’s letting others decide where you belong, and if you don’t belong in writing then where do you belong, Im not sure if a condition in which I was not writing hitting my head obese and grose looking was the solution, not if everyone was struggling. So take that into a account, that combined struggles in life, don’t do anyone a service in life, and that’s not necessarily how things go wrong either. So lets move forward from, who wants who, and what things are about, people are mostly into themselves, and treat you like youre into yourself, or being looked at, and that’s why people get put down, okay around others, and others not okay with them, like Jamba Juice, if Im not soliciting for attentions from anyone, then that’s you looking at me and not liking me, not me being physically or mentally defective causing you to not like me, that why he left Jamba Juice, Im not contagious, but that type of behavior and mentally is whatever it means to you, to suit yourself in life, if you think that’s doing anyone a service to remind me that I am nothing, or to cause me to complain about something minor in public, ro make things about something else that comes to mind upon looking at me. You will not make everyone happy, and most of what people go through is them piecemealing life together, whether that suits your best interests in life or not. I don’t think Ive ever been made to feel more ashamed of myself in my life, or ever been made to struggle quite as hard as I have since recently, I don’t think my medication issues past are for public discourse, not if I have taken as prescribed while working, for the entirety of working, to then try to disprove upon having a new job, the accuse me of creating my own mental health issues, over a manifested guilt of my own, exiting by time period, designated by photo, viewed in the past, which gave another strength in trying to promote a different set of interests other than honesty, if its honestly they don’t care about you so be it, if they care about others, and try to punish you, like you don’t care about yourself or others, then that’s not God. That’s people trying to punush you, like you don’t care about yourself or others, which can make working hard, being in public (identifiably difficult if you have voices, then one is not out in public its not vice versa, the public to me, that causes me to stay home, they could care less but in a positive way concerned for themselves). So no matter who changed their name or for what reasons, whether to spite me, cause me mental illness, or to lose any case they are brainstorming in their minds to be about me, then that’s me being watched for mistake, and that’s not me being tricked, that me losing my life, to whatever is thought to be about me, and once you start trying to justify that hate, that’s not a battle that I can win through any amount of discussion, and that’s trying to convince me to die, to then cause me to hurt myself, to represent anothers living concerns in life, that don’t include my own.
That’s how the circuit works, one complaint, or one misunderstanding, then you don’t date for the rest of your life, once anyone executes that upper edge toward you in life, that means don’t go out, don’t date, not fit to work, not employable, and that’s not just not being not famous, that’s also not being used for excuse for anyones past mental health issues toward me, expecting for a different result. I once said on Twitter “please don’t hurt me until something bad happens,” and maybe that doesn’t include anyone not feeling sorry for me if Im in physical pain, getting headaches, or under performing in life, they will always think that whats coming to you in life is deserved and that’s if they think you are mentally retarded or carry some disease or existing discrimination (issues) that you: (1) are not sure about or (2) don’t know about, and that’s not something that can be proven by names, the cause of a pain, or by what misunderstanding represented by anothers issues in life, to treat you like you have some prior obsession, disorientation, mental illness, or lack of beauty, having to do with the opposite sex or same sex. So what is all the fighting about, if it’s a misunderstanding that you cannot prove and if its something on your Instagram that another does not like, and also does not report to anyone and is not taken down, then its something about your brain, body, intelligence, or resume, that they perceive as a threat that they are in disagreement to, and that then becomes the basis for a complaint as to your well being, the status of your mental health, the history of your mental health issues, what stemming from, known or unknown causes, and what keeps you going in life, if its not now for marriage (weight loss), being picked (intelligence for jobs), then one asks: what is the point of living life, if people are not happy with you, and for what reasons, do they think or expect you to try harder in life, and to what standard of intelligence is expected. #stopsuicide - Recognize your own self-worth, because if you get stuck reading others and dont feel good, then its best to focus on yourself, not be read by anyone. -This is how I feel currently, not motivated, in physical pain, and things not going well for me in writing. Then what can be done, about everyones personal issues with me, what if I dont speak at all? Will that be better? Since November (2020), so that fighting with an Ex, an Ex fighting me, because Im not sexual anymore, and not in the mood, not being warm toward him, then him taking out his frustrations in life on me, shared to a new employer, who then does not take my side, also does not hire "a friend" who he asked if I had friends who need jobs, so forwarded him my Exes number, who recently replied yesterday that hes doing fine, to check on him, You cant be well for everyone, if I was told to get a job, then thats what Im working towards, even if it was through blogging that I improved, working for free, its obvious that in order to live life, be a success, you have to earn a wage, and if you are not working for money, then no one will understand your value, think its about something else, especially not defensive in life, thats not how you speak in public, to drag anyone into your life, if you are not who you say you are, Ive done my best to photo and on paper (through writing), to be as honest for two years writing everyday, and thats not with a "war in mind," with "self-harm in mind," with anything negative in mind, but now once you lose that stability, its also a stability that no one else can provide for you, not feeling like youve said "enough," to make any sort of difference in life, whether that be explaining for another, or even yourself, and its not my time, to pass yet, and it should also not be a time, to convince anyone else of anything complicated, treatable with medication, I think past the point of sharing, and feeling sick, is most like January 2020 projectile vomiting foam, and thats also not my fault, taking as prescribed, you could be losing an argument in life, and that can cause your suffering, to not be understood, and if at no later point in time you make sense, thats okay too that no one needs you either, that doesnt also justify anyones attempt to see you ruin your life, to see if you ruin anyone elses life, thats when its time to stop blogging, and that doesnt mean (here is unwanted closeness) I dont care, it means its not working. Not working for me, and also not working for anyone, who is making it known to me they dont like me, or dont like me because Im not making money, Im not pretty, Im not thin, Im not married. #stophate - Working through mental health issues (self-harm). Sometimes its deserved and sometimes its not, not all people are family is the main point. So while ther may seem like their in an enamoured state of mind, about things, that also doesn’t mean that it has anything to do with you, or what cannot be controlled in life, including their own reactions to you, should you not better them, should they not benefit from having known you, and its that amount of distaste and displeasure with anything that you have to say, that results in a painful disappointment, whether that amounts to blame, it’s the feeling of being tricked in life, that for some reason sends a signal back to you that amounts to illness. So who do you owe your wellness to in life and why? Trust, its not something that happens overnight, humor, its not something that all can agree upon, pride, its not something that everyone understands, and humanity, its not a condition respected if you don’t know your own limits in life, which will include everyone around you, or everyone who supported you during a down. So that’s living life, when things are well, to now, things not being well, and you can try to convince others that you are mentally ill not able to work, then they will leave you room to speak, then you sound well, then you get back a feeling of tired or mental illness, and that’s sharing your mind, and by the time you have said anything of significance, theyre over it, but youre left in a feeling of mental illness, and that’s being pushed past your level of comfort in life, so that’s others making things about something, then not including you, then including you, then you ending up sick, and not sided with at all, and then where do you belong. There is a such thing as turning your powers over to God, which cannot occur at this time, since I was not identified as being one of them “with God.” And when that happens that something about you sheltered from the elements of life, is the part about you not respected, not affected, not bothered, not lost, clear minded, and that’s you telling the CHP what to do, and not taking a breathalizer, after they told you they saw a light in your car, that’s not being able to convince someone that you are well on your way home and have not had too much to drink, that’s them disrespecting you, then looking to you to know what to do, then listening to you, who invented that system of whos on whos team in life, probably the Compton DA’s office who asked for my badges back, there goes solidarity, and there goes input, I already called the Boulder DA’s office to report my poster in my apartment a few years ago, in case that mattered, or served as an important reference to anyone later having viewed the art in my apartment. When you are good everyone will be okay with you, and all that lost energy should not affect you, and anyone you help, free from harm, but once you get sick or get in trouble, no one wants anything to do with you, everyone has difficutly talking to you, and that’s a condition you cannot come back from, whats the problem with everyone having to do with you and why, that’s something that a blog cannot fix, nor a degree, if there is something wrong by your attentions in life, that’s another acting disfavorably to your interests in life, it doesn’t matter who bought what Grocery store and why or who tended to Puerto Rico after the tornados and natural disaster (Amazon), including Facebook who recently bought a house in Hawaii. So what are connections in life, its well people supporting well people, you may have grown up a member to wellness, that doesn’t mean that you are apart of that wellness, doesn’t matter how many coming home from jail parties they try to throw at your house, if youre stuck in your room for 4 years and don’t want to be around anyone, then that’s your deal not theirs, and that’s being the $hitty hand in life, the $hitty part of the equation, and the $hitty job online blogging, which everyone denominates you to being a $hitty person, with $hitty goals, or a $hitty point of reference, to your own $hitty past, to explain why your body looks $hitty, or why your face looks $hitty, to demonstrate that you’re a $hitty person, with a $hitty life, the stuff they think criminals are made out of, trying to account you for being one of them in life based upon your $hitty past, or who you could not represent or think represented in a $hitty way. So what can be done? All those moments you ever gave up, don’t quit, all those voices you think you hear, they are not you, and all the reasons you were not made to be proud of yourself, be glad that you were born, because had you not been born, you would not have $hitty feelings, or have anything $hitty to say, about life, to denominate you as being a $hitty point of focus. So what can be done, if someone has suffered in the past, remember them, if its not your cup of tea, ignore it, if its not your problem, do your best, if theres something you can do to reverse the issue, say something, if you are not strong enough to stick up for yourself, don’t give up, if its something bothering you, don’t talk about it, if there is nothing that can be done, don’t argue about it, if its something about yourself true, talk about it, if its not true, dont mention it. So that’s the difference between good and evil, what resonates with you, what you later come to identify with and like a trail of things to be said in the future or not said at all, it will be a word or two that youre left with, and by whatever connects deemed proper, or how to see things and what if all those connections are being made by incidences that you do not connect with, by a philosophy that you don’t understand. So whatever that is that is confusing about, it could not be you, it could be something that someone sees looking at you, so carry yourself well, and leave them dumbfounded, whats worse, is allowing yourself to become something you are not, to connect all those dots left lingering by incidences outside of your control, and will that cause you to become something bigger than you are, or some later manifestation audible to another upon hearing from you, not said in your words or through your writing, probably, something that wont quit on you, could also be a bad idea that anyone cant put down, looking at you. So that’s people in your life, versus people not in your life, if they consider you the problem, then see you are being combative at home away from others, or someone who pretends to be nice and is full of $hit. I graduated from law school maybe I have not shown all the work completed maybe you don’t see me as intelligent, and maybe Im not your paralegal or attorney in life, and maybe means that you need to hire someone else, and not rely on a blogger to share manifest and dictate anything congruent to your set of understandings in life, that don’t mirror the results or output that Im able to produce whether that’s absent minded any hate, or anything past in which I have been made to hurt (to cause me to question life) to get me to talk about life, like Im distant or gone or going or not here or not gonna make it to cause me to become something Im not, to change me to relate better to anyone gone, distant or going, we are not all 60 and we do not all have time to explain everything that’s everyones going through or everything that’s going wrong or could go wrong for anyone, at every moment in time, or in the future, that’s not what blogging is for, blogging is for sharing about the day based upon how you feel not what you hear, what you hear is a delusion caused by someone trying to control you, to get you to do things in life to make you appear mentally ill, like you are controlled by things or people that you see on TV treat you as though you don’t have a mind on your own: intelligence wise or sexuality wise, then its about blame, then what does she become, then what does she not like, then who is she, then what is she about, what has she shared, why is she not happy, what is helping whats not helping, what should she study, when does shes give up, what does she want and wants coming, another job interview tomorrow, and today I have mental illness voices: and that’s to cause me to not do well at my interview, so that I don’t feel good, so that I stay stuck at home, so that I don’t move forward, and this statement is trying to demonstrate that I did care, or don’t care, or don’t do enough work, or cant let an issue go, or didn’t let go in time, or didn’t listen, or did listen, is in control or not in control, over my own output future or what will happen to me, that’s so someone feels right, then this jokme makes sense, then this doesn’t feel good, then this is fighting this is not fighting this is helping this is not helping this is futile, this is giving up, she is doing well, she is not doing well, her emotions were played with, then this is playing with her emotions to accuse her of playing with herself to women, or being gay the whole time. So that she says F-K Y-O then she is saying FU because she feels like this and this FU is to be directed to this set of affirmations or confirmations in life and because she feels like FU then this shows that she is angry and because she says FU that’s means she is insulted then that insults this group of people because she said this word that she was not (Gay) or (Black) so her issue is that because she is not Gay or Black and gets treated like she is Gay or Black means that she doesn’t understand or comprehend what anything is about because she mentioned someone who was "Gay and Black" (his speech) she went to a meeting with once: Lee Daniels. You guys figure it out … I don’t have anger, and I don’t have frustration Im able to achieve, so if for any reason Im not feeling well on the meds that Im on the issue must be OBESITY and WEIGHT GAIN must be bad. #stopsuicide #dontselfharm #begood
Social Media (definition): Something that employers check then use as a basis for not hiring you, not trusting you, or for any other reason take personal offense to like any blame can be denominated to an entire species of human being most of what a person identifies with is something that they speak to its not about pointing out what is wrong or defective about something that someone else has done, that means if Im speaking to it Im representing it, its not about you, its not about your race, its not about your profession, or your family, and its not about my family, my identity or my race, then maybe its about humanity, its about letting people speak for themselves not be held down by personal issues, or personal faults, or personal setbacks, why would I ever lose composure, then its about OBESITY, to see if jealous, I wouldnt F-K anyone for the rest of my life with a ten foot pole either, if thats what you think Im about then who is calling who out on who's $hit in life, no statues needed. #worldpeace > "Its not all about you, be nice." -Im not wrong you guys were wrong, and it was Lebron sticking up for me about job choices. If its my life, my body, my issues, then I dont need free representation or any help for that matter let alone a disservice to me, the community or everyone staying positive for everyones sake. Thats why I chain mailed everyone to the US Supreme Court, thats being careful, thats protecting everyones interests including anyone who does not support you. Past the point of upset, its hard to say anything intelligible, there will likely be backlash, to any changes in mood, disorientation, loss, or any instability on your part, and that’s the point of anyone trying to prove you wrong in life in life, living a purpose driven life or not. So know what youre about and what youre not about, it seems everyone takes their own insecurities out on people before they’ve even given them a chance in life, so if you don’t need fixing, you don’t also need to go to anyone to beg for anything from them either, simply continuing to apply is good enough, no matter who is dying, family or yourself (if youre not suicidal, don’t let anyone convince you that youre mentally ill, or should be suicidal too, that’s letting them win). -What is disbelief, not everyone will approve you, when they have become too much is when you become too much, and its that too much feeling that designates there being something wrong on either end, that’s not blending well together, whether that’s two sides of an equation, or a manner of professionalism, credited or not credited to whomever is trying to make a point utilizing the identity of another, who they do not feel completely confident about, you will always find your place in life, maybe not occurring by what you look like 160 lbs January, now 172 lbs March. What explains that? You will always look and appear based on how you feel about yourself, and that’s something that God cant change about you, or anyone else, no matter who youre surrounded by what youre doing with your life, in love, or with no one to love, love cant save you, love cant protect you, and love cant give you what you want in life, if you are not a happy person, personable, put together, doing well, or value, or have made any decisions past, once offended by voices, without a website, so tread carefully it’s a difficult journey in life and if it were easy then everyone would be blogging and everyone would have jobs be getting paid. But that’s not the case, so learn to leave things alone, let the dust settle, and if you are getting mental illness because of what someone thinks of you, that they are not telling you, then its always best to separate yourself from anyone who does not believe in you, does not trust you, does not value you, or thinks that youre supposed to be suddenly well with a job, everything takes hard work. No one does well in a fight, whether that’s battling mental health issues, or some past that someone seeks to rectify to hold responsible one party of the other, that’s seeing history in a negative way, then with a different result: website, then try to purposefully, create a situation of “loss of employment, “ to trigger a response for anyone to demonstrate caring for all, or even a courthouse for that matter, be notified. So if you don’t know why whos here and why, that’s not to call anyone out, by hotel, or make anything about any one specific person, or be anything about anything with regards to who is who is life, deserving or not, everyone does their best. So maybe not everyone gets the whole story and just wanted to see what the inside of my company looks like, or what the inside of my brain looks like on paper, its definitely not like anyone that I know, or because of anyone that I have interacted with. Have you ever noticed that something that someone else has written doesn’t make sense even if you focus on it, and have you ever noticed that if something does make sense to you, you focus on it, and you get more focus and calm as a result of something registering for you in a way, that helps set you back to normal. That’s not being well read, that also means that many who are well, have taken a chance to hear what I have to say at some point in their journey in life even if its not everyday. So that’s reading, sometimes making sense (clear), and sometimes not making sense (blurred), and that will be the value of a website (something clear), or something not clear (blurred). That space that youre left with, back in your mind, is a separation of yourself from a work, and not situating yourself in a problem, that means the problems of another, or your own, that’s leaving a problem, doing okay.
Because there is something seriously wrong for months now since November, that I cannot fix on my own, or with any medication, or reporting, and 911 cant help me, Im going to a treatment center for 30 days, and going to do my best to get off all medicaiton, then when I return call the #usarmy, and schedule 9 week basic training, and will probably not be a blogger in the future, and work as a paralegal, just so everyone knows where Im headed in life, and also because of self-harm/voices, this is not a condition that AA can help me with or any recovery program public, I was also not able to maintain a job, function at night get assignments done, handle a work load which is also a huge problem. And if its a problem no one can help me with then that means that I have to help myself, and I dont need anyone to attack me, sue me, or hurt me, to get their point across, and hurt me and everyone connected to me, just to make a point, regardless whether I have suffered or not over an 8 year period put on risperidone and abilify shots in bed all day compliant, working at my own pace, life gets painful, but it doesnt need to get complicated, by medication discrimination, or people treating you like your psychotic or not an important human being go through all of your things and think that you cannot tell they are connected to you in a way that you have not given anyone permission to be connected to you in that way, to be treated as normal. I dont think living life, being treated as criminal or a bad human being if skinny is advantageous to my health or to anyones health, to not have a steady boyfriend, to not be loved, to not have friends, or to not talk to anyone, so it was a rare occurance for me to do so well on my own, unfortunately I was not treated with ease instead treated like Im a bad connection or connected to someone bad, and trashed online, like Im a trashy person, I dont talk $hit about people, I called the Texas DA and the Oklahoma DA before anything bad happened, and called #SCOTUS several times and have corresponded with them since 2013, I dont do anything bad, I dont get away with anything bad, if I drink I get sick, if Im not well I dont look pretty, and if I date I get sick, so since I have difficutly making people happy, or feel empowered, I also dont want to be the person they attack like my changed condition has anything to do with them, its my brain my life, Im connected to important people, dont ever treat me like I talk to strangers, or bad people, or criminals and then attack me like Im not myself. #stopsuicide - If I cant get better, if Im sick everyday, and not getting better, means I need a change, no meds. Thank you for your understanding at this time, it is nice when well to talk to others it is also painful when there is something going wrong for you physically and mentally that you have not experinced before in life and cannot fix.
My only limitation, I have disclosed to the #usarmy I cannot be around guns, they are still willing to take me in, and train me to be a paralegal, everyone has to go to basic training for 9 weeks, Goal is to start working. I have thought a lot about life, I realize what I have done to my life, blogging, its not anyones fault that Im curently struggling, and its not a conditon that anyone can really understand, not if they are mad at you, or think you have addiciton, or are stupid, or allow for stupid things to happen to you in life, I think Im a really nice person, very loving and tolerant of others, its clear no one can take care of me, and I have to take care of myself, so that is why I am applying to the military, Ive been applying since 2009, that was when I first made the decision, I understand that I was strong, I was very smart, I get that the outlook of my life may seem complicated, or may seem easy upon doing well, but it is not easy, to be diplomatic, or for others to feel threatened by you, if you are strong, this is why I will not date, I will not married, and will not have children, because Im not well enough for it, have not been doing well, dont have a stable career, and that is why I was happy just being a blogger, and do well working from home, I have never put myself at risk of harm or anyone that I know, and now is a very tumultous time, whereas in the past it was easy to share, but since everything this past year 2020, I have done my best to stay posiitve, it is clear that when others think you are more well than you are, they may feel entitled to attacking you or blaming you for what they think has happened, and its not your fault, if anyone thinks differently of you, and to also accept when you get hurt, also living with that pain in life, or imperfection, or lack of success, and welcoming to life by others, who expect you to be tough, not be sensitive, ot expect you to get angry, not break, or expect you to just take punishment, not cry upon being given a hard time, and if there is nothing you can do to make your life better, its best not to bother anyone else with your instability, and work for someone who is strong enough to handle disagreement, and smart enough not to allow you to fall through the cracks be mistreated in life, whether thats online, or in real life, be mistaken as someone who is hostile toward others, or is over confident, or not a good person, who has worked hard and deserves to have a job and deserves to have a life, not in pain. Originally Posted 03-13-21 For a period in time, I was an academician, I did not go out, I did not drink, I only dated in monogamous relationships, or dated men who were attracted to me. Please don’t bring up my sexual history to determine the odds of a location on earth, and accuse me of creating a system for casting judgment upon others, on the basis of race, harms suffered, I would never subject myself to that kind of pain and responsibility in life, nor would want to not be an advocate for those who have been in my life, be the center of any story line in life, with regards to human suffering in general, so that’s the not my direction in life, and that’s not my purpose in life. You may not respect my life or respect my story, that also doesn’t mean bring everything to a point of discord, to then subject me to being criticized, then argue that I pose a threat to anyone, or have said anything to cause anyone to think that there is something wrong, hostile, or mentally ill about me, I respect the privacy of others as much as I respect my own privacy and right to remain calm, and not be subjected to negative attentions. What makes a no? It will be something you have said online, or it will be an attitude, or a disability, or lack of ability, that creates a no. I have not spoken to anyone in years except for people Ive dated, that’s not always a choice, to become separated from friends, nor does that fact about me need to be brought up in terms of who was done wrong when and why and what that has anything to do with anything going on elsewhere, or who is victim, being fought over and for, and under what circumstances is anyone favored or not favored and why. I think that I do my best to be honest to share information for others to know where I am at, but you have to let the expressions of others stand, and I can respect that too about people, what things look like and why things were made to look that way, when and why. With a job in film a Trump Support pen pal, separated from, then again 2020, after talking to Ari Emanuel, Trump Support pen pal. That doesn’t mean that Trump Support or I am responsible for the outlook of an entire Country, if I was made to look stupid, then that was comparing accounts one real and two fake, one fake 2018 not consequential, the 2020 not consequential then made to consequential upon me being treated as a false positive, someone who appears well, who then is casted to not appear smart, to then cause negative judgment of them, so that mistreatment follows, to amplify arguments that I am someone who comes on to people who is then rejected because of something I have said or done that is not in alignment to they best interests, or carries a weight of it, a weight meaning a guilt, a word out of sync with the totality of the entire introduction, anything that seems off, then what seems off it taken and added together with whatever is thought to support another thing heard, then all of that is added together, to then weigh how strong is ones argument toward a person, and what are the causes for the misjudgment of a person or set of identifying truths as to causes for blame, whether based upon the past, a reaction composed by a President, or whether the same was caused in accordance to seeing a President walk past me in DC, to think that I thought that was a secret and the a new secret was made on behalf of him in support of someone new as though that is how I would treat trauma, have you not heard the song “There is no sex in the champagne room,” so maybe my story is a joke to you, maybe me being strong is a threat to you, maybe me being given STDs is thought to be deserved, maybe I am retarded, maybe Im not smart, maybe Im not pretty, maybe Im not that athletic, maybe Im not rich, but that doesn’t mean Ive not tried to do my best to get a job, and be the person I saw I was. So lets not hurt me in the process of recognizing when to stop, I am currently incapacitated in bed all day and cant move, that must mean that some team is winning, and some guilt is trying to be proven, that someone now is not on point, not taking as prescribed, not able to sleep, not able to stay calm, and to what effect is that to be produced, to see if upset causes an unreasonable about of strength that makes someone scary to see what they do, whether they are scary or say anything to intimidate to publicly cast them as the person putting you at odds in life, I think you are well and can be around people and I also think you can not be well and then you will not be around people. There is a system of wellness, that keeps people home, or allows people to be social, and that system of wellness will never change, who is offered jobs, who is spoken to, who is dated, who is trusted, who is heard, who is not heard, you makes sense, who struggles, who stays on board, and who is ignored, and that will always be by: feeling, lawsuit, sexual history, trust, and money. So you can have everything … respect (from #SCOTUS), a job (A Fancy Law Job), but it takes one person to not be okay with you, for everything to not work out for you in life, and that then becomes the new controlling opinion, who resonates with you stands out to you, or calls upon you to address a new situation in which the youngest and newest generation is currently suffering, and who to talk sense to at a time like this, which would be someone who has been through everything and been successful in spite of everything, never having relied on code, not unless you work in entertainment and it’s a system of care that you seek to represent and keep strong in terms of the light and good years it represents to those whos lives they have touched over the years, which will also include all those who have given up, or not on board with what has been occurring nor should be made to accept the blame for those losses either, cause all professions to take responsibility for the outburst of others, crimes, or solicitations for attentions, that do not work for all human beings, not especially those under pressure who need their brain in order to speak well, to represent themselves well, to whatever capacity they are currently able. So while I may make sense to you, and you will see clearly a wrong, that does not mean that I knowingly committed a wrong with an expectation of there being something defective about me in my head or in my body, so to clarify Texas: I did no one dirty, which was amplified in a book draft that a column was put in to make me look like Im secretly confessing or drawing attentions to a subject that I want people to think about in looking at me and looking at history as a whole …. And no STDS were found in my vagina, and syphallis was found in my body, my ears were gushing and my body covered in dots, that is how I found out, and had to go to a HIV/AIDS specialist to give me a penicillin shot, so that it wouldn’t spread to my brain. So I apologize for my face and body looking weird and the weight gain 50 lbs, that’s not a chess move, that’s giving up on the whole dating process, if a man cannot get checked, then I will not do a man to get checked for him, and that’s why I am not married, will not marry, will not subject myself to face and body changes, and also do not have the tolerance to chase anyone including a $50-$100 hour job paid in law, if I have issues, there is nothing he can do to help me, past the point of others thinking I have done anything wrong, and then accuse me of being a poor influence to others in life, or treat me poorly, until I no longer represent myself well, face dirtied, body chubby, head small, everything that causes you to wonder about life. So don’t blame me for caring and protesting after any incident in which paper was dumped on Westwood, or accuse me of watching CNN and caring for the wrong reasons, I have never once subjected any boyfriend to fear or insult, or to be treated not as the young professional that they are, I was always loving and monogamous, never stupid, did not go out without them, and never attracted any unwanted attentions in life to deserve to be treated like a disease carrying lesbian or dumb-witted whore, who is not for marriage, I had eggs, I am fertile, I get my period, Im 35, this is my last leg and last opportunity to work, or date, whether or not I can clear my name, whether or not the DA approves of me, who requested as settlement to take all my blogs down, then there were fires, then I started putting together a book, because a butterfly flew to me, if that doesn’t mean help, then what else should mean help to you, and if God cannot protect us and keep us healthy, then what is the current basis for connection that is causing illness to others, if that mother-ker inside of you is supposed to be God (your intuition, your gifts, your voice of reason, your heart, your cares, your secrets) then why fill it with any other information about yourself or others, to cause you to lose faith in any system of trust in which the well stay well and “the sick get sicker.” How would you feel if you were treated like trash, or a bad egg, or retarded, or uninfluential, or not smart, or causes trouble, or a poor representation of your state, if I ever email the President its generally if Im not winning in life and struggling, and maybe others have the right to clear the air, in terms of what will make them feel better, to cast blame and connect the dots, but that still does not explain my vintage poster (then the Legally Blonde movie came out), which was the first poster in a series of poster incidents, then one was posted in my shed turned into a garage lease signed with a garage then no garage offered in Boulder, CO, then a poster was put on Wilshire defacing Barack Obama, so excuse me for the third time a poster was posted, I reacted, not based upon the reactions of others, based upon my own reaction, did not like the poster, there was no crime at the time, no conflicting political interests to designate a sign as a tolerable expression of any type of present grief concerning the status of the health of a nation, he was trying to protect by focusing on Obamacare, which is affordable healthcare for young workers who cannot afford health insurance, testing, or through job membership be protected paid for and cared for. So if it looks like people reacting when the time calls for reaction, its not about anything I have shared, it could be something known about me, in response to what they think is wrong with me, by Doctor sent to and his specialty, upon first getting sick, seeing two Jewish Doctors, one of whom a family member suffered under her care, then upon me having a learning disability sought care from her, and by 2009, after 6 years being under their care, got sick after a book was recommended to me upon applying to Law School “The Center Cannot Hold” by Elyn Saks, so that is why Human Rights Watch on Olympic in the Rolling Building, was the lawyer I chose to review a box stamped for work acceptance at #SCOTUS and California Supreme Court, that’s not with guilt, a feeling of things being about me, and needing to identify myself, or share a potential for blame on anything I have done or said, to have caused whatever it was at the time resulting in cancer or disturbance to people who are close to my family, and then say that something similar is occurring now, I think when a team is losing, that guilt can spread, and others can be misidentified as not among the strong, or if among the weak, not demonstrating the strength required to lead any discussions, regarding the status of the health of others, and its on that basis whether you approach the subject with care, or do anything positive about it, that you get searched or treated as though you don’t have the right interests in life, if you mention anything going wrong. So Ive not kept quiet because of guilt, its because I was writing online, and one person was not okay with me, and now Im in a situation where I cannot promote myself or anyone that I know, and this was the situation I was trying to avoid 2008 when I called the police regarding the names on my Facebook, so that was 2008 – 2021, everything was okay, and everyone I know was okay, now its 2021, and now Im not doing okay, which means people who know me do not want to be subjected to the same types of pressures or attentions in life, and now what is there to do, so this is why I applied to the #usarmy who I re-enlisted with 2013, I have never been intense in my entire life or subjected anyone to feel like they were automatically being included into some club of guilt, by someone who is not cool or by someone who people are not cool with, whats controversial is that everything got better, then everything got worse for me, mentally, and I still sound smart, but that cannot always undo the harm that’s been suffered. I tried to talk to the DA at the courthouse but their door was locked, I have called the judge several times, to identify where I am at mentally whats going well for me, or whats not going well for me, and even if someone was upset with me reported the incident myself, so they could file a bench warrant if they needed to see me to talk to me, that’s not something I want to happen o me without me knowing it, why I inform the courts of everything that’s going on, so that they can make sure, either she is well and doing her best, or she is not doing well and not seeking help to move forward in life. Life is political contest unfortunately that if you are not paying attention to things get worse for you, so later becoming a public figure really doesn’t matter, if everyone thought everything was your fault, to begin with, going to a school does not make me a fightable issue or a traitor to the representation of the dream, I wanted to work in DC, my Father introduced me to Barack on TV, that’s how I knew to email him when things were unstable here, before someone shot the White House (2008), and luckily he was not shot, so that’s me having an understanding of racism, the issues, my stability, and what he should look out for or be in avoidance of such communications not be affected by anyone unpleasantries in life, including their difficulties in acceptance of me, designate me as “mentally ill,” and so that happened, ended up in the hospital. I don’t drink so for everytime I was ever social having 2-3 drinks, Im sorry, that I ever drank 2013, I also did not anticipate that the rest of my life would be different or never be the same, and that’s a consequence of being arrested, or for anyone having knowledge of being arrested and then everyone treats you as dirty, or criminal, or not intelligent. I have always gotten good grades, if Ive never been focused, it was probably after a relationship, or while dating, not being able to do both, and choosing one or the other, I don’t think its possible for me to excel in school and date, Ive not been able to, and also suffered while trying to finish my Dissertation. Im not mentally ill, what it is is that people know my story, and for some reason it was easier I think to make fun of me and stay on that tangent, then to think any other way, and I don’t think they intended for that system to be repeated among the people who have invested money in those companies, for the caretaking of their people participating. Everything is fun until someone gets hurt, and whether that’s by direct exposure to someone who is not getting the issue, or is not seeing the beauty in life, its sometimes advantageous for people to cause you sickness to get you to realize what youre not apart of as though you don’t see the beauty in life, I always take pictures and save moments with animals, I don’t take pictures of my family, and Im sorry if Im life looks boring and pathetic to you, without connections, and on a ton of meds for sleep and daily functioning, that also does not make me guilty, or more or less susceptible to getting in trouble, should I not stay well, that also doesn’t mean that I belong there, because I responded to fires, and upon responding to fires I reported to the California State Bar. This is why you do not go to business meetings, you do not socialize, you do not pitch, you do not publicly lead any conversation, that you cannot also hold with who you support, and the pain that is caused is when someone new comes along, and then wants to make everything look wrong, to discredit anyone for having said or done anything in the right in a humorous way, not in a combative intimidating way, everyone who has met me not in my life is healthy, unfortunately I have not faired well the same on my own, I don’t have an Attorney, I just found a new Psychiatrist, and my Therapist cannot help me, which means it’s a social issue, or a reading comprehension issue, in which someone is hurting me, because they don’t understand how I went through so much difficulty and was successful online anyways, that’s sheltering other people from harm, respect that much about me. #stopsuicide – Self-harm is (voices calling me pervert) then me punching my head and slamming my head into doors until my head bleeds, that’s to stop the voices from hurting me and calling me names. I don’t want to hook up or be friends with anyone for the rest of my life, my hearts not strong enough for it, Im not strong enough to wowrk, and I am happy just being a blogger, when opportunity next opens up for me, I would like to work in DC for at least one year and that is my dream, and then if Im too tired to keep working, I can file for disability and stay home for the rest of my life in my room, and that doesn’t mean wirte online, or write books and have books ruined, or ruin my life, or ruin my story, or devalue myself, or not be of value, or not making money, because doesn’t want to be famous, or is not famous because they are not smart and because they look retarded or the have pen pals, and that makes them look retarded, you know … you are nice to people until they are mean, then you share everything to see whether that harm was justified, then you can call the DA and complain and sya Leslie was wrong, Leslie meant well, Leslie is not doing well, Leslie has addiction, Leslie doesn’t need help, Leslie does need help, Leslie punches her head, Leslie slams her head into doors, Leslie is not nice, Leslie is strong, Leslie is not an Attorney or Leslie is pretending to be something she is not, I think you are allowed to be who you are, then you are made to share everything, and you don’t get many chances to say the right thing, and that’s living or dying on the basis of what people think of you, allowed to move forward, stuck in bed, suffering, and then its upon you suffering that others then justify it as she did this wrong, or because she wanted this she responded like this, or because she is like this, they responded as that, then it becomes about court documents, and settlements, which blogging is not for the purposes of rehashing what went wrong and give everyone a play by play of what exactly happened for them to hurt me as though I have ever intentionally done anyone wrong, and this is the stopping point, which doesn’t also mean that I have to suffer or be prosecuted because Im not taking it like a good sport, when I get sick or go to the hospital. I got checked and they were okay with sending me home, so whats the issue of then me needing to be sick or go to the hospital. I have been hospitalized 9x for not being able to sleep that is foggy in disallusion, not able to focus cannot study cannot learn, and then you go to the hospital they put you on meds for 14 days and then send you home and you steadily go back to normal, that’s not my fault, if I do not feel well that’s normal to get help, then after lawsuit is when I started hurting my head, so don’t accuse me of being scary to anyone, and then that resulting in a lawsuit, a lawsuit is someone not okay with you, and you not knowing that they are not okay with you, and that’s you causing discomfort to another which you will be made responsible for. So even if stated, that doesn’t cause me death, even if everyone accused me of being on Twitter as a threat, that still does not cause me death, what causes me death Im wondering is if I say something that gives someone a power of understanding, if what they think or feel is capable of hurting how I think or feel, and then the stability of others is to take the side of who rejects me, to see whether Im connected to people, do they help keep me alive, or am I someone who gets sick on their own who cannot be helped, at this point Im stuck in bed, so I don’t know what that means if Im not running, not archiving, not assembling books, not continuing to work on publishing a book, not able to maintain a job, I wouldn’t know where that’s coming from. #worldpeace
This is what I went through that doesnt make it okay or a by product of anything that has happened to me or being stated to cast blame on anyone, I think you are what you think and based upon how you feel able or not able to respond to everything, I dont think its necessary to ever responded in a vocal or noticebale way to draw any types of attentions to yourself, with the anticipation of sharing your story, sometimes strength can be shown through working, or writing, or running, it doesnt really mean anything, not unless you dont state what youre running for or why you are being strong facing your fears, whether that be fear of the dark, or some other fear about life, that has not already happened to you, its never the solution to state when you have not been well or what has happened during the course of a period in time when you were not stable, and to acknowledge that it coudlve been drinking not state the school name of the guy I think that just subjects you to attack and now you really have to think about school reputation, so that could be where a lot of people are coming from. Thats I can accept, I also had to notify my 2013 crush (similar pose every photo since = cute) that I hooked up with someone that looks like him that I only noticed upon looking at him talking, he spoke with an accent, he was Croatiian, so I dont want people to think that was a government operation, they dont get down like that, they live peaceful lives not lives for controversy, and they do not know whether they look a certain why not unless anyone is looking at someones life and also looking at their life, to compare for reactions of changes in health, I think that I stopped watching CSPAN and that was a big mistake, shoudlve kept better tabs not have been so professional only when needed, and later forgot the importnace of keeping them informed even when I started to do well, maybe thats why I didnt stay well for long, less than a year, started to smile and make videos, so everything takes time, and mostly unfortunately, if you have ever not made someone happy, or you fail to illustrate the importance of your character, and make things too easy to understand, the meaning good menaing to your purpose can be changed by unwanted attentions (which to me come in the form of voices), so be aware, mental health issues happen, and its not by looking at a pciture getting a reading, or noticeing a change or seeing or hearing a secret based upon examining a person by photo, video, or phone, and while it may have been exiciting to view all my work in private,, its also important to understand that I am connected to my accounts, so destruction of material is not my choice, if I have no had an opportunity to go backwards to see what was unliekable or off about me then compared to now or what was said then on square, no mentioned in my book anywhere, nothing that was on my first instagram, which I cannot find now, including the conversations on that instagram. So while my life looks different now, I was sure that my life would take a turn for the better eventually, I did not think that if anything I have said gets analyzed in the negative then things will not work out for me in life, based on anything I have said that was remotely uninteresting, offensive, or taken as insult inferred to be in reference or made in reference to something previously saidf triggered to say again to then cause for alignment, of something said as to add or giove meaning to something previously said, there is not telling when a story is said with the breadth required for anyone to allow for misgivings in life, also was probably the cause for reading a nicely made story, probably will publish to lulu.com, for the sake of permanency, after a review of everything written, for the history books. So thats how easily something can be read then for you to be treated as the villain to your own story and treat you like an offender, this is why I stay in my room, I stopped running, I stopped sharing anything really important and pressing in November, thats to say I stopped trying I think when your head hurts thats a good time to slow down and rest that means I was not able to push myself and keep running everyday, there will always be apart of you that can keep going in life, then past the point of being hurt, it becomes difficult to figure out a system of speaking that will work out for you, if the previous system is a system that was abused to then cause you harm, so Im not someone who waits until the last minute to speak, its if Im able to speak can say the right things and only until recently its either say everything to add up to him, or say everything to add up to that, or say everything to add up to this. Originally Posted 03-12-21 You can do your best to address a situation before it becomes a problem by sharing what you know or by what item you still have in your possession from Harrods, so while it may appear as though its joke, concerning hierarchy or level of importance to characters some with experience and some without experience addressing the people in a philanthropic way, I think for the most part most grand gestures were perhaps misunderstood to connect the dots, in terms of an order of belonging, either to an Ex who recently moved back to California, so that would make Prince Harry moving here a good omen, no matter whether he realized or not what if anything was special about me, it didn’t become clear to me of these potentials until I got older, and started to introduce myself to the world and to who it mattered, trying to contact them, for starters. When you have the time to connect do so, but if at a later point you become sick, they are no longer the representative sample for any later happenings occurring on your own merits, and that’s how support is lost, so value leadership during any moment, or nothing standing out, you will never know whats important to you, if you don’t stick to what youre good at in life, no matter how smart or not so intelligent your work or writing seems for your Finance Masters in Law, for whatever reasons they thought “Finance” was studied to connect to a later pen name, and story from a 21st Birthday, to view a later Staples Center joke, as shedding humor upon a very famous team who you have attended many games in the history of your life, be treated as a unilateral symbol in short to illustrate a common concept, whether that be #stoprape, #worldpeace, or who is “king,” and so on and so forth, you have to be successful to represent ideals, and then you can state your influences in life, but if before you come to be you point out anything that may seem to be about you, or done so to highlight there being something about your story, to conceal, that we will never know, the causes for later happenings, or who is well and who is not doing well having shared their part, so that doesn’t mean that I have responded perfectly, and getting an education does not make me a bigger person, nor is intended to be connected to a later happening of mental health issues, not associated to that later disclosure in a new relationship, so what is it that people let go of in life, if its ever an experience that is later represented by anything in the positive, so long as you mention bits and pieces of where your pen name came from, that will be the set standard for determining what is important to you, from within, what is important to you occurring, how you view the event, whether that’s an admission for guilt, or a unilateral reference to another character to another movie, to then bring up another condition arising 2010, after being shown two youtubes, to illustrate a poor understanding of the issues, or a defensive take on the matter, not taking into account your health or the health of anyone upon a knowing of inventory and that’s how you get robbed (2013), so while at the time a long time ago, if you have outgrown that sense of being, sharing about it many years later, will only make things worse, and so you get treated as someone who responds in defense, for a later happening, of finding out information, to say that that’s a wanted or intelligible secreting of a doubt, then get treated as though it’s a known doubt, and that’s how a conspiracy is furthered, for every reaction, and every fact, then how you have lived your life, compared to how you are doing now, and what hurts and why, and at what point in time addressed, and whether that benefits you, or hurts you to disclose and why, and that’s why the margins are further tilted away from your spectrum of understanding to favor an outsiders understanding of things, having not experienced any period of not knowing where others were at on subjects of interests, treated as though in the entirety of your legal education was in defense of a circumstance known, or with a secret of a circumstance known covered for, and that’s not how you treat people, observed for confessions or reading into the personalities of others as having more information within to denote fault, I don’t think its anyones fault, when something bad happens, I think everyone does their best to be there for others, and I don’t think any later happenings, by car style picked is that a reference to a Ferrari, or anyone trying to make a cute joke, I think by now everyone looks at everything in a judgmental way, that no one sees the beauty in assembling ones own life story in a way that does not affect anyone who could be affected in the immediate, so at what point does it become about the people, when a story no longer serves its purpose to be of interest, of if others are not interested in the ending or the bases for coming forward coming to terms with their own recognition fo the value of their careers and life expectancy, you figure out that what people have already accepted about you, if its not something you have disclosed you are also not responsible for disclosing enough information for someone to back of or to give you time to come to a full understanding, or whether or not you have to share, or whether or not the way in which you share, casues another to not view that as ever having been a problem for you in life, then cause it again like a “fight club bar soap,” if they can imagine it and if they can create it, it can be something tested for and tried to see how you respond, and that’s being treated as human representative with the most traits in common with my Father, then being experimented with to test for stability, type of reaction, response, intelligence, or try to prove or disprove innocence or being a cause for a broken relationship or point a finger toward my Mother who was single at 555 Barrington, when I was in Kindergarten, without a boyfriend. So please stop everyone trying to make their lives about what hasn’t been said, or claim to know exactly what has happened or why, and cause pain to me, or to anyone I know, who has always been happy for one another, with no history of ever not getting along, so it was very unusual to be made to embarrass everyone after graduating, and lose my first paid job in law after two assignments, so that’s life, you are either well, by the time you are supposed to be well, or you fail to meet the mark, and it can be for a completely new set of reasons based upon a bunch of new information, and that much about life you may not have the energy for, a new set of hoops to go through in life, and that’s something you have to be willing and able to tolerate in life no matter how many setbacks you have gone through personally, you may have been special then (barely), but not now, upon observation, and that will be the cause of others being cold to you, not being the same, something different about you, knowing you in a different way, not trusting you, not knowing how to respond to you, or thinking that you think youre going to go back out into the world and live a better life, that’s not something that I need to prove or make happen for myself in life, my life changed as a result of dating, and hearing voices etc, so once trust has been lost it takes many years for people to be okay with you, and the point is not to complain whats not put down in writing, or for whatever phases you were not intelligent enough to share in depth everything you think would have mattered when and why, no one has time to wait for you to be in a comfortable place in life, and you don’t expect for it to never happen for you, so accept your place in life, whether you stand above the rest, or achieve a high status in life, if those were once dreams, later fulfilled by others, that’s testing your potentials in life, which included one audition at NBC, that’s figuring out your self worth, its not always based upon people, beauty is something you either have, but there is not quality unfortunately that is so talented or so unique that anyone truly backs off and commends you, not if you fail, and not if you get sick, that’s what you later learn, where motivations come from and heart, it will seem as though the esteems of others become more important than your own, depending on what you are looking for in life or by who you admire, and what youre too late for: work/love, companionship, comradere which occurs in a few people made to feel special, who can easily be made to not feel special had their efforts gone unrecognized and not merited by anyone looking into your life, and seeing you before you graduated, or went back out into the world to get a job, so in failure, that’s to teach me what lesson? Not to love? Not to trust? Not to admire? Not to talk to? Not to imagine? Not to have fun? Not be kind? Not to video? Not to share my life? And what else does that mean for anyone, who did not see any potential in me to have a future, and that’s how you get hurt, if you have to prove your worth after a harm has been suffered, and if its to the benefit of someone who is harming you, to misidentify you as a bad connection or homewrecker or wannabe Stormi Daniels, then that’s why I left the Laker Game, and did not sit with my Father, after that picture was taken. Paranoia comes in all forms, and it will be because of comparisons and mischaracterizations that your face and body changes to suit their best interests in casting you as dirty, or diseased, unintelligent, or focused on the wrong things in life, not an advocate with everyones best interests at heart. Protect the elderly, by listening, not furtehr subject yourself to harm by what people think youre trying to say or by what they think you have said, or treated you or your family poorly, everyone has done their best, and I dont think "the public" will ever be completely happy with everyones timing in life, or what needs to be known or not known and maybe a select few were intersted in trying to figure out some secret system of communication not put down in writing, if its not on my face and not on my record at the LAX Courthouse, then its not something to accuse me for not already disclosed to The US Supreme Court, I keep no secrets I report, so there is no need to punish me on behalf of anyone, if its a territorial thing then take it to court in defense of your family, but do not hurt me and hurt my family, simply because you have misunderstood my family as pretending to be something they are not, no one talks about stuff that I got subjected to and its not by what Ive said online that respect has been lost of me, and there is no team of understanding for wellness, its by looking at you, what is around you, what you have in life, who you know, who you are not friends with, and thats your value in California.
Originally Posted 03-13-21 Im working through a new mental health condition, and recently overcame headaches and being stuck in bed and Im sure that has everything to do with my progress, or something I have said, or not said well, but have always done my best and have never given up, or not failed to mention any sources of inspiration, along the way. I never anticipated that I would ever get sick, obviously with mental health issues (bipolar medications) its a condition that you are aware of get treated for, without espectation for it to get worse turn into self-harm for any reason, and that did not benefit me, it made things worse, and as a result I stay home, thats not being anti-social thats people not trusting you if you self-harm, Ive never not liked myself, I think that life gets difficult if you dont have anyone to advise you specific to your quesitons in life, and most of life you have to figure out for yourself without help from anyone, how writing helps. Recently have not been able to keep up with studying, to write more intellgent research based understandings of life, I think writing will always occur in stages depending on your health and what you have to say, either meet expectations, or have to focus more on yourself, I have been prescribed two new medications (finally described all the changes to my face, and that issue has been fixed), so certain setbacks that look really odd, but is a treatable condition. - Have been losing motivation recenrly which means to think about setting goals (work on a new PDF, just received an email from the copyright office), moving to wordpress, with no agenda or plans for growth, my commitment has been posting once a day, based upon my thoughts for the day, not scheduled in advance or by issue, with or without voices, so if there is ever a standstill, that doesnt mean that any excitement is headed anywhere profound, it could be me trying to figure out whats wrong, thats something I have to figure out on my own, without anyones help, and doesnt have to do with anyone, so although there is expectation for you to improve to resume a life, unless you stay well are completely recovered from all new and old mental health issues, by the time you begin to speak more fully, even if you are made to talk about things assumed, never bothering you then, its not worth mentioning now whatever made most sense to others at the time, Ive never been threatened by other peoples reactions, but I also understand everyone who maybe knew of me or did not respect me, I wouldnt expect for any of those communcations to bother me now, or be insulted by anything past, so thats the benefit of writing, it doesnt solve your mental health issues though, nothing is permanent, so learning as I go what to mention what not to mention and to not be on anyones bad side, and also not to waste the time of the courts, if its just (voices) not occurring in real life, which woudl really ruin all my progress doing well in public, easy does it, its not the past that is preventing me from moving forward, its what I talk about, whether that ruins a current rapport or brings up a non-issue that then hurts my ability to write anything of value or importance, whether or not I am to be considered helpful, or not influential in a positive way, I think everyone feels hurt when they know of someone or hear of something they have suffered from past, occur in a younger generation, who we have tried to simplify and not bring up anything that is not already published in a permanent form in a scienctific or leagl document, to verfiy anything as being exact. So its okay to find a subject interesting why its important to also do the research and continue to learn, thats how you learn to read and assemble an understanding of a concept that is hard to understand at length, and create a system for understanding a concept difficult, in a memorizable format, (this would be discussion to bring up missing notes, to say that missing notes to prove intelligence, and a later showing not included, because, thats not a proper system of sharing to attarct attentions to your school work, saved and shared, if not valued to begin with, or not valued in conjunction with the cover of your book, which is read to communicate not in a positve way,
Originally Posted 03-13-21 Im speaking to the emotionally challenged, and Im sure Im not the only one, who has ever been overcome with so much emotion, that they have been beside themselves not themselves, the types of feelings that make you want to tear your insides out, rip your face off, and jump into a hole, and be away from everyone, and you simply cant do that do yourself, no under any amount of pressures in life, be made to feel ashamed about yourself, self-harm, or try to destroy yourself, in light of what anyone else sees upon looking at you and getting to know you, its not your fault. And while most will not understand where you are coming from, coming from a very famous homicide case, there will be those who will be lit up to a different set of extremes upon looking at you, and see the world in a different sense, that you have been so sheltered from. I didn’t grow up watching CSI, any crime shows, I don’t watch HBO the wire, I don’t study crime, I don’t have a fascination with watching people, admiring others, or sending likes, not if I don’t care. So what is it about a person that makes them scary, it will be something not trustworthy about a person, something that causes one another to be walking on eggshells, and if you don’t trust yourself around someone, that means that likewise, they cannot buffer you from whatever is ailing you, or causing you distress in life. It’s a normal vs. odd world, where you only are welcome around for so long as you are able to maintain a sense of balance around others, and there will always be those who will make you fall off balance, that is managing your own intuitions and well being in the face of whatever they have come to odds with, and being pushed is not the solution to being a better or stronger person, don’t allow anyone to push you over any edges in life, or push you to any extremes in life, that’s being pushed off balance, into harms way, and subjects you to giving up in life, or self-harm, that is not taking good care of yourself and doing what you need to do in order to stay strong. So when others fall silent, that’s a good time to prove them wrong, whether that’s going back to work, getting a new job, and starting a new life. Most will not understand whatever caused you to self-harm, and its not a condition, that others will likely ever be able to understand, most people love themselves, are proud of themselves, never put at odds, so own that condition, its not your fault, and no love will not help, job will not help, treatment will not help, hospital will not help, and therapy will not help, if someone is convinced there is something wrong with you, or stupid about you, they will not stop under any circumstances to prove their point, and that’s the cost of living in a litigious an overzealous prosecutorial society, one that does not empathize with the weak, but seeks to condemn people into a state of paralysis, to extremes, where they cannot be themselves, not until they fit some mold of rejection, that better suits their own interest in explaining whatever they went through in the company of your presence, which is to state or describe a non-existent conflict they had with you, and by their study of you, think that they know you best or even claim to be some spokesperson on the issue of world politics and the history of OJ Simpson, and crime. Nows not a time, when you condemn others especially those who have been made to self-harm such as myself, and Im not trying to intimidate anyone who thinks that OJ jokes are funny, or crime stories are scary in an educational way, I don’t wish for my story to educate anyone on the topic of mental health issues and self-harm and suicide attempts, its not the business of anyone to understand my past, its not your right to understand what happened, and its not for public study, what now causes me mental health issues, distress, and has resulted in more medications. So Im sorry if you don’t understand where I am coming from, or why I have been through instability and back so many times, maybe I will not be able to work ever again, maybe there will always be something wrong with me, maybe I will not be able to date ever again, so how dare anyone boil things down to looks, obesity, and sexuality, like that has anything to do with anything, it has to do with fear, it has to do with threats, it has to do with socialization, it has to do with being able to feel safe in a world, and for the intensity of emotion not to be brought through me, set on me, pushed through me, put over my head, or caused through me, and that’s not allowing the frustrations of others to affect me, to cause me disability, to cause me job loss, or mental illness (voices), that’s my condition normal, then offset by (voices: mental illness), to result in a loss (a rejection or condemnation), of me, so that I in turn suffer (from losses), and its by those losses and distinterest in you, that can cause one physical illness (that’s the fight). So whether this is about the past or about my future, everything I do, everything I say, all of that matters in terms of what will happen to me and what will become of me, and so long as I allow anything to bother me, anything to frustrate me, anything to cause me sickness, then that will be pushing me further away from what can go well for me, what can happen for me, and cause me unhappiness, to be left behind in life, to continue to suffer, and to continue to be made to talk about a few times in life, when I felt alone, when I had no one to talk to, when I could not move forward, when I needed help, and had no one to help me, and that’s not where I want to be in life.
Originally Posted 03-16-21 I don’t have presently have a type, and in searching for jobs, if its not the right time, it only means that there is room for improvement on my end, its been 5 months at rest, recently going through voices again, hit a negative cycle, stayed up one night, not overdo the night meds or day meds, and make sure to pace myself, there is no rush, its been a long year, if Im not dying then its not that important to talk about when if ever I have felt hurt since right now is about right now, without explanation of the past which cannot describe what Im going through now with or without love in my life, I think keeping your distance is smart, what is hurtful, is to not make a full recovery, my condition as bipolar on day and night meds to function, I am okay with, maybe not something that others are used to, and that’s okay, for most jobs you have to be awake at night and unfortunately Im asleep by 8pm, that doesn’t mean that Im a weaker human being its just the schedule Im on, and whatever was recommended to me, it’s a regime that is supposed to help me function in life, whether that’s through running or writing, and the goal is to start working again not to be a blogger indefinitely, or supposedly well during COVID, I think I have been working at a slow pace since 2013, and that’s in recovery I know the time, the length, and the duration of stages it takes to overcome a set of feelings in which you don’t feel good about yourself less than capable or even stupid, and its possible to catch up with who you were then, and if youre lucky even become a smarter version than you remembered yourself ever being, and everything that happens in between, although you may not forget, and others may not forget either, just do your best to stay well. Less is more meaning you cannot justify a harm, if it was caused, if you later got in trouble, then that was what was done to you at the time, and it will not matter grades, behavior, sleep pattern or meds, that’s just how the justice system works, not in support of you > punished, and so on and so forth, even if you haven’t met the world yet, which means it wont matter how you turn out, there will always be something about you disagreeable to a few, and you also have to respect that about people in support of one another, that’s nothing you can change, and nothing you have to prove yourself over or about, that only makes things worse. So while things may be getting worse for you, less empathy, no compassion, ridicule, not making sense, not of value, doesn’t work hard, or not done with care, lacking detail, whatever the factors are being weighed, what do you represent, you represent you, so how big do you need to be and why, and what will that do for you in your career moving forward to be acknowledged, so forget about the past, as an indicator of your behaviors and reactions, what you do in life what happens to you if you share that about yourself, it will become a timeline tested memorized and repeated throughout your life, that’s having done something wrong, and being punished no matter what it was you were being punished for if you share how you have lived your life, then that is why you get punished as though you don’t value yourself, not prompt, or not a good person to know or be in contact with, combined with any later happenings it just gets worse and worse, so whenever I throw my hands up in the air and give up or seem anti-social, or not interested in dating, or not well enough to date, that’s not just my fault, that’s also a decision made by others, to inhibit my reputation which affects my capacity to date or be loved, trusted, hired, etc, it will always be based on how you feel whether you can perform, whether you are of value in money dollars and cents to anyone, sizing you up, to trust you in any caretaking position, whether that be for clients or an audience, so when do things typically go well, upon doing my best. How are things different, something unique happened to me over summer, which was briefly showcased on Facebook, but really created a burden for me to articulate what was occurring at the time, that that became of me, so for anyone who already thought less of me, it didn’t really help to not reinforce negative voices, and I don’t think any poetry really sufficed to focus on any other issues other than myself, which less sympathy was granted, even if its not a believable condition, no one will care what you are like mentally ill, but they will also not understand that everything isn’t reversed with a pill, its overtime an improvement occurs, so I should have been smarter about things, and its hurtful for me, to not be good enough to talk to people, to work for people, to date others, or even to be at least a blogger online, so the more convinced I am that I am mentally ill, that really creates no options for me moving forward and does not help to improve whatever current setback Im going through doing as Im told, and not making my life worse, which should not be set to suffering for any reason voices, or because of any self-harm, so whether it all amounts to a situation in defend of another, I can totally understand that, and if that’s something I need to watch out for, then that will be a stance of something who thinks that popularity is something I cannot manage or ruin, or whether I get sick by substances or people, and further criticize, any other moment in life, in which I have not been well when where and why and how old was I when I got sick. This is why I don’t drink or do drugs, meaning I don’t get better with meds, but my condition is monitored with meds, that require me to move, improve and write, and just because Im doing well doesn’t mean that everythings going to work out for me, not if I complain or am negative I have no reason to not be happy, or to be sick, I have everything I want, I am everywhere I want to be in life, I haver all the meds I need, my pictures look nice, and have recently been in touch with old friends, so please learn to leave things alone. And if there is ever a situation where you are not happy with anything Im saying, this is why Im moving to wordpress, for comments, and also complaints, which they have a service that can monitor content, to the specifics of an audience, who is also heard in terms of what is helping or hurting an already stable situation which to my understanding does not need to be made worse by personal issues or photos, that’s understandable. Re: #justiceroberts, being too late for love, and worry for his current condition, not making a big deal over representation, I think he did an excellent job being strong for everyone, Im sorry I forgot about him, I only spoke professionally to all, and never though to approach anyone on an individual basis, which was probably not necessary, to speak to anyone separately just like “the people” in general, everytime Ive spoken privately with anyone, anything that they have had to say in support, later becomes a fight and that’s just getting to know people and people not being into you, or done with you in life, and that’s okay too, you move on.
#stopsuicide (Bipolar, Medication Management, Being an Adult: My Mom controls my Adderall since 2019). Originally Posted 03-13-21 |
AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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