Theres the beaten and there is the damned, Im choosing to be neither, this is the time where no apologies are due, and when forgiveness is sought, from the one betrayed, or the one at odds, to which neither side becomes benefited by, from a talking through the terms of unwanted acceptances of one another to begin with, this presents a very painful difficulty in life. When one cannot move forward, and at the expense of the other, is made to look worse, for the other to look better, so that everyone turns on you, that’s to not be trusted in life, not the giver of insights, and not by trusted means able to speak, and that’s a painful fact of life, that once someone is done with you, its because its too painful to talk to you, just like its too painful for me to talk to anyone who is not inspired by me or thinks less of me, that’s an unrealized fact of life, being past the point of forgiveness, when you are suffering, and at your own expense, become the receiver of pains in life, not by your own doing, but situated to take heat from others, as though you were rightfully denounced to be some lesbian to the interests of mankind, a doer of love, not a receiver of love, or a taker of love, not a bringer of love, and that’s how someone who is not loved is made to feel, that they don’t deserve opportunities, they have not tried for in life, and become the keeper of the consequences of losing love, become the enemy to the hearts of others, who learn to forget, not to forgive, who are trained to harm, and terrorize for information, not to wait and allow people to come forward when they feel the time is right to share what it is they went through, without having to go through the same demeaning tasks, for respect in life, made to feel like someone, who they think is jealous of, jobs, nationalities, whoever came up in life with a stronger faith and bond than anything I was ever afforded through intimacies or education, simply not good enough, and that’s when it becomes painful to do anything your heart is set to, whats the cause for your own improvement, thought the misery of others, or whats the cause for your writing, not the bringer of peace, or whats the cause for your mental illness, letting who win, and who is not to be forgotten those who gave you life, who will not tolerate what was done to you, the choices you made, and what you were made to look like by them, that loss of respect so deserved, and that’s what it feels like to not be loved and to not be trusted left with nothing in lfie to live for, and nothing in life to be proud of, that’s suffering, whether anyone recognizes your pains or disability as suffering, to not be as sharp as, as intelligent as, or as strong as anyone else, who never had to stoop to the graces of hate, in order to ever be respected as having suffered any wrongs in life, brought before the court for review, which was what just happened to me, whoever it is, and forever it was worth, that was real happiness shared, and that was real heart given, and that was real love demonstrated, and if the times become intolerable to me, its not me making up whatever I struggled through which was not made public online, times Ive slammed my head into walls hearing voices, times Ive been in arguments punching my head, times Ive heard voices trying to go to sleep punching my head, times Ive taken handfuls of meds just to sleep feeling like giving up in life, or times I could not write and forced to talk to myself, to get myself going again, and talk some sense into me, no matter how I felt, no matter how many fires there were, not fall victim to the words or senses of others about me. That’s life, no one cares if your strong, no one wants you to be strong for them, and no one wants you to write online, if you seem like someone who is not on board with the happinesses of others until they find themselves at odds with you, leaving you with no one to console you or support you, who can be loved then, if not me? So what makes me different from others who have died, not being able to say how they feel and wanting everyone to be happy with where we are now, is that Im 35 so I still have a life to live, and its way too late to undo the struggles others went through in life providing a good life for me, for any of them to be blamed, causes me sickness, and that’s when you are found to be in the wrong, when by your choices you are made to be something you are not online, and then also feel frustrated that no matter how much work you have accomplished in trying to make things right, are not given an opportunity to work again, and defy the laws of bipolar, sickness, and suicide, preferred to stay home and do nothing or blog, is what seems to be the preferred state of being. Like anyone is dependent upon me, for a change of heart, or thought daily, that’s allowing people in, and then allowing them to feel harmed should I give up in life, which is how when you affect a caretaker, those cared for are made to feel, hurt, injured, embarrassed, or at odds with you now, how those on the outside of your home life are made to feel empowered, getting not only everyone to turn on you disfavorably and not see you as a human being but also cause those in your life to give you a hard time, as though they are supposed to suffer the same odds that you were put through in life, and no its not deserved, and no my condition is not a joke, and yes I was raised to be spiritual and no that does not make me a medium, and yes I was ordered to go to therapy, and no I don’t need to talk, and yes I was bullied at home but that was because my face and demeanor changed to look like something I was not, not talkative, quiet, immature, scared, or unrealized of my blessings in life and where I was proud, in law school. I was not raised to be above anyone, I don’t treat anyone as below me, Im not a sexual person, I don’t date (only in my 20s), I don’t go out (only Spring 2013), I don’t drink (only 2006 and 2013), I don’t give blow jobs (only 2013), I don’t need a JD (I can represent myself without a JD, why would anyone want me to represent them, when all they do is put me down in life at this point, therefore I cannot get married because my image is questionable, an embarrassment now not a source of pride, with sexuality in question attraction to man or woman who is perceived to be nicer to, upon connecting treated or rejected as though a sense of peaceful juncture, is a communication of awkwardness or masculinity as recognized, to be a source of disempowerment to other women, not empowerment, an unwanted interaction). So forgive me for not being more social, I think being on social media, was being social, without the drinking, sex, and drug use, that much I can skip in life, its not for me, especially if I was a public figure, that doesn’t mean at a later point in time, I can live a private life or a secret life, that’s the pain of being known, everything about you known, from childhood to now shared, and when someone puts you down as not having reported to the courts, that’s because your purpose in life is deemed to be a consequence of something you have done wrong in life cared, not a consequence of the wrongs committed by others decided to care, and that’s the pitfall of caring when no one else is publicly ready to care and by what means seek to establish a different conversation that doesn’t cause pain, and more losses or suffering, such as blame or inherit any risks involved to become associated by following, to any words shared as making people apart of lesser groups in society, which is not my fan base, who are mostly nice people with nice things to say, I think those who have envisioned a different course for me in life, want to see if I suffer and die by the same means (business: Britney Murphy), (DJ music: DJ AM), (misuse abuse or relapse: Whitney Houston), (world peace: Buss), (everyone the same: Eminem), (Clueless: Aliyah), (deposition: mymollydoll.com), (courthouse: Santa Monica), (job: the government), (presidency: Hillary Clinton), (house: Justice Roberts), (accountant: David Letterman), (Ex and Ring To: My Brother), (Friend: Matt Bauer), (Transferred Schools: Crossroads), (Comment After Fart at UWLA: The UTA Bomber), (Cleared Airspace: LAX Airport). So please be careful as though everyone has not done their best to be made stronger if ever while making fun of anyone they either sought to empower, be role model to, or inspire likewise to just go for it, and be an “IT Girl,” I don’t think its always in the cards for everyone to be remembered fondly, and sometimes those who get noticed, are sometimes for bad reasons before any good reasons arise from knowing someone, and that’s how you get remembered, hopefully for something good you have accomplished in life, not someone who was strong in spite of losses, then be punished as the founder of any faiths that let anyone down while I was in law school, not going to make it then, or not going to make it now, I don’t think I was ever the dream not then and certainly not now, therefore no one needs to be put on blast, for whatever kept them going in life and feeling apart of (yes, I heard Chelsea Handler share leaving a fire), and yes (Red Cross followed me), and yes I paid tribute after the first fire (in the Valley), and no I didn’t give up, I was still awake functioning not under any pressures in life was already writing in my computer and assembling a book, which was later put together an self published by me, a memorized f-ck up in life not waiting for Jay while hearing voices, and going on Tinder instead, while he was in Texas, which is why recently an Ex did me, after hooking up with a roommate, and then told me about it afterward, to see how I would feel having been done wrong in life, whether that made her an offender to my story, like I was made out to be an offender to Jay, which is not deserved when two people are not together, and when it takes time to be together, and one another not approved for some reason, that’s no one seeing the value in your relationships with men, and Im not a woman who is strong enough to live alone, I have always wanted to get married be loved and have a boyfriend, and not in the condition I am in now, can take care of others, I can do my best, but if I go into pain and suffering, then that’s not going to make their lives any easier, and then Im home stuck in my room in pain, and not able to work, that’s because its viewed as insult being able to work for someone but not your own family, and its not that I don’t love my family, but my problems are far to big, for them to be personally affected by, although they do have fun watching me work, because Im so intense and get a lot done, that was the show for everyone else, not the $hit show I was made out to be in Hollywood, or at Bungalow, or Qs, not myself, and had I known in advance what I looked like and how that made others feel, then I would not have been out in public for others to see my face and body, and energy and wonder the same about me, why I was mentally ill, what caused me to be mentally ill, and how I thought that I could help in spite of being alone, still be able to do the right thing and report when help was needed 2013 to SCOTUS.