The more you become aware of changes, the less room for error you have. Meaning, the more you are able to put into words, the more is expected of you, to live the same way you speak, as though what you are saying doesn’t even make sense to you, to make sense of others, when Ive never complained about anyone not making sense to me or misdirecting attentions to me or anyone else for that matter, life is not scary until you go out alone, and while my experiences in life may have been minimized to jokes compared to the fears others have experienced, my condition was permanent, and now voices is permanent condition (not existing since 2017 during the moment of self-harm), resulting from talking not acting in defense of others, or called to action by ex-leaders, everyone thinking everything is a reflection of them, know you hurt you leave you, and then if you get worse tell you again “its your own fault” that’s someone never having seen you well to begin with, and if everythings a joke to them, then figure out what its about and do your best to explain before its too late and joke amongst a few turns into something else, not being okay. I think all humor is okay, that’s not the point, and all taunting, given the Lakers connection, makes sense to others, and probably something I keep forgetting, and if theyre not on your team in life, they will never be on your team, and maybe a feeling I got when I thought to apply to the US Navy, not the reason for running everyday in Santa Monica, to highlight a case read in Constitutional Law, a Facebook Passwords Case watched on CSPAN this was Fall 2011, I think everything looks loud, when its read as in reaction to and that’s what is being sought what change and in reaction to what, what pain, and for whos identity was made known to make a joke no longer feel good and result in the US Navy on Messenger blocking me, and the US Army offering to hire if I qualify meet their requirements for basic training, Im almost too old to go, and I don’t think you can go on meds, the only problem otherwise Id leave work for them and live on a quiet reservation somewhere away from interpretation, but that’s not way to live life to stop living life, so I can see my time online turning into something else, not a fight but clarifications and that’s assuming too much about me or others, and may only subject me to more harm, the joke that cracked the camels back, or whatever icing was added on top, to make matters worse, Im not some Christmas Tree Mona Lisa, everyone can take their turn attacking for reaction that would be what voices feel like something in you talking to you, that you don’t want to be apart of thinking processes bothersome, and that’s just how life gets I think is the point they are trying to communicate through me, by hurting me to speak until I eventually say things to explain where they are coming from, so that someone else is supported at my expense heard, and leave me with no support, or support that is hurting me as though I would leave anyone dying to be heard, you got your revenge, and this is not revenge this is work. That’s where another is wrong, to hurt or come off too strong toward someone they do not feel loves them, as through Im supposed to be this nice sweet person and be spoken to like Im stupid, slow me down, make my head hurt, and then all of a sudden my light which is supposed to be reserved to empower me is used instead for an opposing purpose to cause me harm, disfigure my face and body and leave me to die among whom? That’s not how life is meant to be lived, speak for yourselves, not through me, do you.
Edit (11-23-20): Removed private childhood timeline to speak to a bigger subject about growing up being professional handling everything you hear with grace, not get sick by things said to you that dont make sense, think too hard about it later, the disconnect of not bonding with someone seeing eye to eye or understanding eachother on a deeper level intellectually, thats when someone reads your work and applies what they have learned to you and takes your place in life as advocate to everyone, and leaves you feeling sick, or made to be responsible for your own thinking, which was on point. So thats the noticeable difference, the lack of femininity, thats being treated as gay, effeminate with you, and masculine around everyone else, thats them keeping their face when you lose yours means not that smart at sex anyways. So please just leave things alone, Im not dating for the rest of my life working from home, everyone so offended taking personally things I wrote past and treating me as though Im not beautiful, so be better than #ignorehate #likeness #superiority #intelligence #leadership #love #respect #admiration #blame #liability #thebigpicture #communications.
(Link): https://www.mymollydoll.com/blog/cover-letters-cond-made-11-21-20 (Sorry if my face body and voice confused anyone with regards to what I am like on the inside, beautiful or secretive, ambitious, or angry, driven, or done, tired, dumb. I think when youre feeling dumb thats just low self-esteem the body and mind can heal itself but not by being mean back, usually when people give up, they dont intend to set limits and get angry with you, its that if your the problem, they suffer having not figured out what was going wrong, and thats leaving people behind in life, not looking out for them when confident or doing well, thats keeping problems to yourself, its always at your expense focused on the wrong things in life, and it will always be made an excuse of to explain why no one is in your life: sexuality, genetics, intelligence, jealously?)
Watch out for the blues, when people are not well, then them transferring their negative feelings whether about you or others, let no one affect you, it’s a simple game, of people not well until you recognize an emotion that they could be feeling speak to what they are saying or something relevant to something they have said to insult you, watch come through your writing as though that’s how thoughts are made through feeling and transference of feeling from and to something you can see or by someone you do not know. There is power to being understood, and there is also something positive that can become of making sense maybe not inherent to the thoughts that others have of you, by observation known and memorized about you not forgotten, but maybe its your focus or ability to continue to speak is what makes them upset the fact that you can speak freely, as earned, a learned condition, not a condition of no remorse to impress upon anyone an adverse condition socially as the one trait I was thought to have inherited by luck, dismissal, rejections, or whatever it is that could be thought of as excuse for the other but at the same token not reserved as a point for insights as applied to me, for me, everything short, see, doesn’t feel good, ignore, and not make a problem of it to their own lives, that seeing someone and not needing someone, or seeing someone, and only hearing what they want to hear about you, something that matches that feeling of disdain upon looking at you, and so I gained 50lbs again and stayed in my room for four years only leaving to run or work, that’s being a trooper, not a problem to one not a problem to all, that’s not giving up in life that’s not being a problem to anyone keeping to myself, and that’s exactly how I wrote books and built a website, not bothering anyone, and not asking anyone for help, that was the solution to my problems, more me time, and less time wondering about appearances or what I look like or sound like, that’s why someone stays home, because they are not presentable not good enough for work, and too overweight to date etc be social, that’s normal, that’s not being a problem. The exchange of illness occurs when you are feeling okay, then chime into someone elses distaste for you, and actually hear the negative sometimes in a moment of silence, sometimes minding your own business, is when I get auditory delusions, that’s someone either talking about me to another or trying to talk to me, as though I cant hear them, until a physical change is rendered to my face or body that demonstrates to them that they have been heard and also do not make me feel good on the outside and now on the inside, that’s someone being experimental with your health, connecting to change you to understand themselves, and by the time they let go and feel better, you will not have known what hit you, the passing of any obnoxious energy with you present, is simply an adverse reaction between two people, someone busy, while the other juices up on the inside, and then puts you out in public so that you don’t feel good on the inside, like a taxi cab missing a clear left turn on the street and turns early into the street where you can only go left, that has happened to me twice, on my walk home in the dark scared, I was traumatized and aggravated, I started slamming my head into my front door several times until it bled, that’s someone getting hyper off of you and then feeling good also f-king with your head, so that you feel like youre gone, its something you cant wonder about, its them gone feeling good, and you not feeling good, and not able to carefully reflect to understand what was it that happened and what was it about you that made them think okay to do to you. What causes a more mature approach, sometimes stepping outside of yourself, works, that’s when you hear something you needed to hear, or hear something to offset whatever was worrying you about someone, and no longer feel the problem lying within you then come to understand the problem as possibly lying within in another, again that’s compassion, not feeling insulted by being given a hard time, Im sure in NY that explains why they shout at Taxi cab drivers and tell them which way to go, even if they have to tell them the exact route step by step, that’s not being bossy in a mean way, that’s not allowing your presence to make them think you stand out in a bad way, and then be bad to you back. That’s an innate understanding of managing someone you do not like, not compliant to their needs, and in the reverse insult them as though their presence or the sharing of air space offends their ability to live or be themselves as though the meds Im on, presents some contagious psychiatric condition of non-acceptance of me, that’s just how people are they know you and don’t respect you based on where they are from, and by what you look like, too healthy, meaning she must be someone bad healthy who stays home or someone bad healthy who cant work, or someone bad healthy because she takes adderrall. Whatever the f-king causes for hate are, its not justified, I am well because I am smart, and I was pretty because I was educated, and I was calm, because I have an even temper, and I was loved because I am loving, and I make friends because I can carry on a conversation, and I get sick when that much is not understood about me, treat me as a had she not been murdered no one would know you youd be nobody. Listen had I gone to Mezzaluna, we would still be the $hit and we still wouldn’t know who the F you are.
Originally Posted 11-19-20
When someone takes out their hate on you, that’s them feeling entitled to make you not remembered in life or history for that matter that’s someone getting rid of you in life and that’s not okay. I don’t wish to be insulted and I don’t wish to insult anyone for that matter whoever wants to be famous and write on Facebook and making a f-king page about whatever the F they want to write about be remembered for and so will I in case I die, that’s because my life matters to me, and their lives mattered to me, and even if my life was ruined by choices, so that I don’t matter to anyone, at least I still matter to me enough to live my life. So don’t you dare make death, dying, gun violence, homicide, bullying, or health about me, if you can save your lives by talking $hit and putting people in jail, then figure out a way to spare yourself anymore resentment for anyone else in life who is not in your life presently make that a factor to your wellness. [removed portion here]
That’s reserving my right to live life, free from hate, blame, torment, disability, and defamation. That is how I stop death from happening, by f-king living my life and not bothering anyone how I have been my entire life, lived alone for 14 years an academician, and whether you understand that, a need to become a working professional or not, don’t torment me about my sexuality or make fun of me as though I have not supported celebrities through their struggles or not empowered the common sense solution to bullying. So forgive me for being suicidal or getting carcinoma cancer and almost got ovarian cancer and died, if its not okay for me to die, its not okay for that to happen to me, therefore its something to report and not online. When you complain online people take sides, play victim, then do you dirty in life put you in jail. And that’s their revenge on someone who they think is privileged or who has lived an easy life, you don’t know $hit about life, struggle, mental health, sobriety, cocaine, addiction, dumpings, or bullying so spare me your gay insults and claim domination $hit about sex, no one wants you or you or you, its not about who is hot, its walking in 54 degree weather and my back gets flaming hot, and drive back and its foggy out. (There was some fog on the drive there, until it cleared by the running path).
The perfect ending for hate, is me mentally ill in a hospital, while everyone gets hyper and makes money off of making fun of me, keeps going straight to the top, we built an elevator its called: mymollydoll.com. And they raised the minimum wage to $15 dollars an hour. So what the F is anyone complaining about when it comes to my health, you have your own health, why the F should it matter to you how Im doing, I will be fine, I am doing fine, I have bigger problems to deal with threats, death threats, conspiracy threats, intimidation by voices to cause schizophrenia, abandonment jokes dumpings, and a personality to fix. That’s being in recovery that’s not being about myself for myself, that’s being about myself for everyone.
Things can only get worse before they get better, and with that said, it was fun for a period in time, but have since been without a phone and a computer for a month or so now, and doing just fine, eventually there is a stopping point, when it comes to making friends, and sharing correspondences, can turn into something that your not 100% sure will be frowned upon by others, and then when its shown, is exactly what happens, how stupid can one be, as though Ive not been called “retarded” my whole life, never with it completely to ever be in charge of anything at home, usually under the leadership of those more mature than me, or more social, that’s not something you keep up after drinking, once you get sick, that kind of ruins your social life, and you may have moments of fun later in life, but it will always be brought up what you were like before you started blogging, of course I was a better person, less social, in school and working at the same time mostly, and then you drink and that progress all falls apart. So if you don’t know whats keeping you from reaching your goals in life, not that Im an addiction specialist, Ive only been to rehab twice, and hospitalized 9x bipolar, and dated only in my 20s, I think its safe to say that nothing goes right for me if I drink, why I don’t drink, it doesn’t make me feel good, one to be misinterpreted by others as having fun, or two disappointing others drinking and not being social about it, that’s an obvious look of doing something wrong, drinking and also not wanting to be bothered social about it, means an addiction, to feel good on ones own, is basically an addiction unless its for work, its how you occupy your time, that you are ultimately observed and judged as whether on good merits you work hard well liked, or by story what you have to share about yourself and others that makes you who you are, its both maybe at this point, and with voices, it then becomes a struggle of who is influencing who for the better, someone criticizing you weakening your spirit, or someone who lets you be your happy shiny self, no matter what anyone else thinks, that part of me eventually stopped on Twitter.
Backstory: In High School, the upperclassmen took me off campus to smoke, and to inform me that someone present who was dating him, while a friend of mine letting me know, that he was spreading rumors that I gave him head on command, at the time I didnt even know how to give a blow job, so when I told my Brother what he was saying, I had to clean his blue car, he was gifted a blue M3, that we probably shouldve retired upon him moving to Boston, but the Explorer battery died. So basically it was conversations like that, that caused my Brother to not let me hang out with his friends, That makes sense,.
SORRY TO MENTION, I KNOW IF I USE A WORD ITS MY OWN FAULT, TO SPEAK POLITICALLY CORRECT NOT SAY ANY WORDS WHICH WOULD BE OFFENSIVE TO OTHERS HEARING IT COMING FROM ME, NOT APART OF OR FOUND TO NOT BE SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS HAVING NOT BEEN THROUGH SOMETHING MYSELF LIKE IM TRYING TO PLAY BIG SHOT OR MATURE AS THOUGH HELPING FRIENDS IS SOME BADGE OF HONOR YOU TALK ABOUT TAKING CREDIT FOR ONE ANOTHERS WELLNESS OR MATURATION SPEEDS IN LIFE, I THINK WE ALL MATURE, REMEMBER THE GOOD YEARS. AND THATS NOT TO SAY THAT RIGHT NOW IS A MOMENT TO DISSECT THE PAST, IT RARELY EVER IS TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE PAST, IT USUALLY JUST SOUNDS LIKE AN EXCUSE OR FUEL FOR A FIGHT OVER WHATS APPROPRIATE. SORRY FOR BRINGING UP ANYTHING IMMATURE SOUNDING, AND KEEP UP WITH APPEARANCES, BE HUMBLE, KIND.
The more out there it gets, the more respect is lost, for your intelligence, that’s just how it is, only taken seriously depending upon what feeling you can provide, and respect loss in anticipation of one arriving to a feeling of frustration or negativity when once expressed, causes the other to feel light, that’s an unwanted effect, when your struggle becomes the strength to another persons ego, over how things are, were, or are now. Lets just agree that no one ever thought this hard about content, before social media happened, and it was then that content became a buzz word for attraction, as though its by what we say and how we look, that demonstrates wellness alone, whatever happened to being professional. I don’t think therefore that in the past, when I was so open about sharing along the way that it was ever about imitating other methods for rationalizing with the times, and the comforts of others, ever intended to cause discomfort, that is highlighting subjects, or trying to be like about subjects, by the same methodologies, explain myself, that I think is where others are wrong, to wait to hear what I have to say, to line up interests, or to see for themselves where things are coming from, to make things about, even if that’s not where Im coming from at all, and that’s how you waste a positive resource for coping, and making a poor example of someone who has coped well, and has never shined negative light upon others, therefore does not deserve for negative light to be shined upon me, my family or anyone I know, for that matter should not be used, to feed into whatever positives or negatives have become the driving force of an outsiders insights, to a personal struggle with image, which has improved overtime. I think a lot of positives came from not being too social, staying home and studying, wellness happened, but its also the case that when well and if others appear drained, you get punished as though you’ve not been working hard, and so if you do work hard get punished, so that you appear like you have been working hard, that’s a problem with treatment of you, everyone reaching their upper limit for acceptances with you, as though you are pushing yourself through extremes over illness, not wellness, for some people it takes a disciplined lifestyle in order to stay well, maintain wellness, and to be appreciated by others and not cause problems for others, call it meds, or defamation, Im not sure what it is at this point, keeping me from staying well, and what is it that makes others feel better, if it does not include me, means something to work on on my end, nothing to do with others, which is the condition that is trying to be caused by worsening my condition to see whether if I am not well whether I take out that frustration out of the condition of others as they appear, and that would be a waste of time, to explain myself to people who are well, and who are not doing poorly. At the heart of the subject is wellness, not gun violence, and at the heart of the matter is life expectancy, not togetherness, and at the heart of the matter is image, not fame, and at the heart of the matter is money, trust, and faith, which go hand in hand, when it comes to the later respects given to others, with regards to who they care for, and by what means entrusted to care for one another. A good idea is only good for so long as the creator of that idea lasts, that’s the misunderstanding, that someone who has arrived to a well state of mind, or who is doing well is expected to keep going in the direction they are going in, its that type of turbulence in feeling, that causes illness. When whatever you were doing that was keeping you well, is not longer suitable to keep you well if there is some force that seeks for you not to be well watching you, that’s having enemies in life, people not on your side, or people who don’t think fond of you, and think you are something less than a human being as compared to others, or responsible for any bad luck faced by others, as though I too have not suffered, not street at all, not street smart, and not that tough. Im a very sensitive person, and you should be glad that I am a sensitive person and report often, that doesn’t mean that Im deprived of love, not until another has announced to the world, that Im some kind of slut TV show (TV Show: Apt B216, my apartment number), and then pass guilt to me, to see if I die suicidal to demonstrate guilt, which to say, is just making things worse for whoever pushed me in a good way, and good things became of me, to cause me illness, and to state a negative, to then watch me suffer again. This is why Im marrying my Ex, because no one respects me, no one value me, no one trusts me, no one sees my potential, no one values what Ive been through, no one cares how Im feeling, no one believes in me because of what meds Im on, and no one will let me live a good life, as single.
Just called to report, the wellness, speaking in wellness, to sudden illness, not feeling well speaking to negatives, this is something you cant argue your way through illness, you either speak well or you dont.
There is you absent minded others, and there is you thinking of others. Its been my experience that when around others, they step out of their shells, to say something, whether or not relevant to me, about themselves, that they think will help others. Whether or not that’s your problem, that’s how you get treated lets say for instance in IOP, someone with an issue of self-harming and thinking songs were about him an ex-model, and when we were asked to pick a song for the counselor to play another picked a song for me “You Need to Calm Down” by Taylor Swift. At the time I am kind to everyone, never assuming anything to be about me. That would be assuming that people know me, and just to make sure am now online, with a better grasp of the issues. When you appear in DC, all records are reviewed with or without your permissions, why: (1) souveneirs were bought (2) why an itinerary was made to visit SCOTUS (3) why a bedside collage of souveneirs were made around a telephone, (4) why one shouted in the street in DC “F-K” and the DC Police told me to “calm down,” (5) why CU Buffs was written in the snow in the sidewalk by me, then rubbed out by the time I returned, (6) why I was told about the MLK Memorial and driven there by a Taxi Driver who told me “you live by the gun you die by the gun,” (7) why I sat outside Barack Obamas house, and later (8) smashed my matching Marc Jacobs watch gifted to Sydney into the sidewalk 200 yards from his home, and (9) why the barback was humping the bartender in front of me at the bar, then left and stood on a yellow dot and called 911 to report them, my first report, and (10) why a cab never arrived to pick me up from Harry’s apartment so I walked home back to my hotel room, (11) why an invitation to Barack Obama’s inauguration was sent to my hotel room and a bottle of wine, (12) why the speakers were not on during the Inauguration and the gate I was directed to was blocked by a crowd of people no one going in, so I (13) walked around the perimeter in an FBI DC hat, and a soldier by the tanks saw me and told me he liked my hat listening to Nas, (14) why I walked into the FBIDC Office to make a report about a Privacy concern and also asked if I wanted to apply who should I contact and was given a business card, I have already been screened by the FBI was given clearance to work for the Government 2008, (15) why I walked the US House of Representatives and signed every book that was out with my information, (16) why I took a picture of myself on an airplane, and (16) why I went back to SCOTUS in the snow and took a picture of myself in the lunch room with no people around another day, (17) why a box was made of every important document concerning my medical history and education and writing samples and free writing a book about my High School experience and recollections up until that moment and prior to attending Law School, which was USPS’d to SCOTUS, stamped, then USPS to California Supreme Court, stamped, the USPS’d to Attorney John Sifton from HRW. Then I remembered, upon moving boxes into storage, and organizing my notes downstairs all my files where in my Brother’s room, and pulled some of my best work handwritten that went missing upon being found and placed on my desk, not scanned or saved by me elsewhere, and was screamed at by my ex while moving boxes, asking me what I was doing. Then (18) went to the bar alone a few times to drink and made two friends I stayed in touch with over the years, and another who did not contact me afterward, prior to which (19) I made videos in my car after drinking, speaking emotionally that “of course I care” even though I was not pretty because I was drinking, talking to no one, just my phone, then (20) met someone who I did not date, met in the daytime, prior to driving to Palo Alto and Las Vegas alone, to get away, and visit towns I have one not been to, stopped by Steve Job’s house, and stayed at a nice hotel I did not walk to from a party in Las Vegas 2008, because I didn’t want to afterparty and do drugs or drink more, and carried my heels crying in a casino and couldn’t find my boyfriend, who was in bed sleeping by the time I got to the room, then (21) in February still going through a breakup while my Ex was applying to the DA’s office and didn’t get the job, figured that I was the problem and left him and he got a job up North and in Texas, and now in LA, (22) I was interrupted writing in my phone, to talk to someone seated to my right at the corner of the bar, who was initially tough toward me because I shrugged him off, did not want to talk to anyone, told him “I was going through a breakup,” and then was hospitalized February 2013 I don’t remember how I got there, I just remember them opening up a box of cigarettes that were shared and no one visited me and don’t remember leaving, (23) then I searched my closet, and found a Lakers Bag gym backpack free, that had the pieces to a Poster that was torn down by me from Wilshire, and later moved close by, after delivering my box to the Federal Building and walked back to my car with it, told not to leave it, and later submitted the pieces to the Poster which was a painting of Barack Obama I thought offensive, a photo of the painting was saved in my phone after tearing down the poster, and gave them my phone number in a plastic bag, and that was the same time period a suitcase from DC went missing, my coat went missing, my notes went missing, and a small kitchen knife with the tip broken off was put in a hole puncher box 2010 while living in Marina Del Rey, and was told “Marta broke the knife” when asked how the knife broke, in the dish washer, I took from the house on Leonard Road, and during that move lost a box of important things, I made sticker labels for all the boxes, my Windward diploma, and a sketch book my counsin made as a Bat-Mitzvah present. That’s being paranoid, assembling something in private that if found would look suspicious to someone else, not expecting to see that, in my “Lesley bag” gifted to me by my Godparents nanny who was English, they used to live off of Bentley where the Bauers lived. -Meanwhile, all the while CBS Movies was now across the street, from the bar where I last saw Navid, who I was told died of Schizophrenia, and then later told was doing drugs at the time of his death by a friend in common Major who dated the daughter of a family who’s Father passed, and she passed was hit by a Police Car in a “silent running drill” and was the Sponsor to my carpool in high school an underclassman, and their Son passed of Suicide (who I did not accept a friend request from on Facebook, Im not sure if he was the guy in an argyle sweater at my friend Lindsay’s birthday party at Macai (a bar my best friend Sydney later took me to with her then boyfriend, who I talked ab out nighties with, because we are overweight, and then they took me on a tour of The Paramount Lot, after taking them to two bars in Hollywood “Harvard Stone” where I was arrested on my way home, and a Club a drug dealer took me too, the same night there was a shooting by the Rainbow Room where we almost went), I didn’t talk to him there, went with an underclassman Jules who went to Amherst, I played soccer with in High School, whos Father played for the Dodgers, and moved into an ex-classmates house, from Elementary School, same house different people), who I was told raped my best friend in 5th Grade on an airplane to DC, and cried, while the other friend window seated apologized for not crying or being equally moved about the sharing of her story, which was upon advice asked, when having relationship problems told my best friend to tell him “you don’t know me” and to tell him what you told me, and then their relationship didn’t work out. CBS across the street from the bar I went to alone, and later complained about girls talking s%hit, and then served my check outside and told that I should go home started punching my head. I was seated by the beer drafts, they were seated on the corner to my left, the same place the guy who followed me to my car, talking to me after I left, convinced me to hang out and play a game of “Professional Responsibility” with I didn’t believe him, and there is a game of Professional Responsibility a board game and that was a relief, then he had me pick a movie, I picked “Snatch” and then we hooked up and he spooned me, I threw up in my mouth and ran to the Sink. Backstory: The daughter of CBS, who dated a guy in common to my best friend, recommended that I not speak to someone, I later found out had a friend in common to someone she dated and went to the Suitor’s school, who I was messaging for 8 months April 2016 to January 2017, met November 2015, was in NYC December 2015 running by my Brother’s apartment at the time stayed at the hotel local to his neighborhood, while learning how to build a website, someone I pitched to, who I also sent emails to of all my records, and Twitter archives from December 2011, which was after Rehab Summer 2011 with a job in DC, attended a Women’s Meeting with a Crossroads Sponsor who was given to me after my then Sponsor moved out of State, who I did my 4th Step with, and was recommended to wait a year in the first year of sobriety told not to date. And based upon my thesis sent to him, all my school records, and resume, work history, and after crying outside his house, after pitching a music campaign, and Concert Across America was made, sat on the other side of the wall by the pool crying tears in front of a bouncer who watched me, messaging on my phone, to someone who would not reply to me, nor wanted to attend, dropped a marching poster off at his house afterward. This was after I ran a flyer campaign down Sunset and through Hollywood, “Brady Music Campaign” was later told, to do something general and said “#bloggingcampaign and that was approved over Starbucks, the President of the LA Brady Chapter, sorry for the imposition, Donna Deese, who later added me as a friend on Facebook, managed and founded Concerts Across America, and is the Leader of Million Mom March. I think because I hashtagged them so much, that Moms Demand Action, texted me without signing up to volunteer with them, already having met Brady and after later attending meetings, and was supposed to phone bank, I phone banked once it’s a complicate system, I didn’t understand, and was supposed to be a Data collector of all new volunteers and make a spreadsheet added 2 numbers. I attend Vigils, at a meeting it was discussed to build a better relationship with Brady Campaign another anti-gun violence organization founded by Jim Brady who I found out worked for President Ronald Reagan, who also owned a home in Bel-Air sold, who was seen pictured with Justice Roberts shaking hands, sworn in during his presidency. He took down the Berlin Wall I think. My Mom used to live on “Bulingame” sounds like Berlin Game, on Harvard. And there was a Tinder shop on the corner, and when I moved to that home, given a home all to myself, chose the small room, and made an office with the other room, Bauer had two rooms at his house, the other room was for his Music, drum set etc and Video Games. My crush in College, who was there for me during addiction, told me to stop, then went to Rehab and he got clean from Heroine, for some reason we connected, my last year in College. Hes married now and has a child, very proud of him, he married a former dancer, and lives in Pennsylvania. He was maybe the only friend who texted me while living in Westwood, to check on me. I was on meds at the time, and going through something, and was tweeting, and losing 50lbs, happy. Lesson: If you don’t put things together clearly you get looked at as not as sharp as anyone else, who sees what you’ve been up to, and after reviewing your timeline makes decisions for you, or leads others into assumptions about you in life, and your condition becomes their source of empowerment. My housekeeper who moved me, later got a Divorce and moved back to Mexico, she used to run on San Vicente after work, and packed up my closet living in Marina. When I made an AOL box, everything went missing, and a song was made, talking about someone elses trash is another mans come up, and I just deleted my emails, that wasn’t trash, that was me recording my journey, singing, and maintaining a diary in private, and gave all my passwords to all my accounts to the US Military and to SCOTUS. That’s trying to figure out what went wrong, that’s not me suspecting that other people have done me wrong, that’s being open, that’s not appearing in a way suspect, that gives people the right to search my things in order to better understand where Im at, not trusting me, and taking it upon themselves to decide for me, the direction of my course in life, or what I speak about, as though I would ever be offended by apps, websites, accounts, company names, movies, or songs, and then not stick up for others, or my family, or friends, or subject anyone to harm, including myself. I don’t think that questioning is a condition you can rise above, you can be honest, but that doesn’t mean that others will be more trusting of you, or loving, some deserve love and some don’t, that’s based upon your mental health, whats bothering you, how you are managing your life judged.
There are many pros and cons to blogging:
Proactive attempt at living a life in question.
Managing your moods in a visible space.
Not interfering with the health or privacy of others.
Setting a good example, and being proud of yourself.
Experiencing life out in the open, living a safe life.
Not being viewed as competition, or present difficult concepts.
Not subject myself or others to harm, or embarrassment.
Not intimidate or pose a threat to anyones wealth or decision making practices.
Not being relied upon as a voice of reason, to make promises I cant keep.
People get to things before you.
You may feel slowed down by the energy of others.
You may not be proud of yourself, or viewed favorably.
You can be viewed as the problem, if you appear that way.
No one will want to keep secrets for you, so get your story straight.
People will assume if you are not happy means you are not with the people.
Based upon your connections in life despecialized.
Based upon who you are, not inflate the chests of others, cause depression.
If you appear strong, leave room for annoyance or attentions drawn.
Easily intimidated by others, or made to look foolish or lost.
Be treated as drug addict if you continue to talk, not in an organized way.
Not be respected for your Twitter feed, seen as in avoidance of word count.
Be treated as someone who keeps secrets, and not healthy by being a good person.
Not seen worthy of attentions or looking for attentions, seeking to be known.
Others may have difficulty relating to you, and that’s the difference that can be felt.
Be viewed as a bad influence, given the meds you are on, or whether having attended rehabs.
Seen as a negative influence, or someone with a poor attitude, not deserving of respect.
Being viewed as a lost cause, or someone raising awareness to a cause non-existent.
Not viewing a sense of being put together, or the togetherness of others, as solution.
As seen get minimized to terms, disrespectful of you and your experiences in life.
Seen as excuse, or verbose, without solutions provided of essence to help others move on.
Seen as someone who creates problems based upon their choices made, not apart of.
Then you get tested, to see if you fight, and what is seen now, is not a fight.
This is responding to a fight, and not creating a fight, where none is needed for anyone.
Im the type of person who would rather self-harm, then question of fight with others.
Im the type of person who is aware when others become off, my reports are not validated.
Im the type of person, who complained after a co-worker told me he wrote about “The Armenian Genocide,” and a Science textbook was placed in my cubicle, the after complaining, and not responding to a co-worker who asked me to meet him in an alley downtown, with a friend in common I lost the 9th Grade election to a shorter speech, wrote a letter about my experience after 9/11 a New York experience, that was shared with me by my counsin, what it was like running across the Brooklyn Bridge and what his face was like, who moved to Hawaii. I talked about my Dad crying while watching the towers get hit in NY, with his arms folded. And after Google searching my name, applying for jobs, didn’t get the Government Job told to apply to, after my personal statement was shared, found all the links and articles with my name in it, and cache’d to a deposition, and watched the video of my Dad testifying with his arms folded. And my neighbor, hoped over the balcony fence, and read what I wrote, by candlelight in my apartment in West Hollywood, and asked me who I thought did it, it was about War Overseas.
Originally Posted: 10-19-20
Its an embarrassing subject what happens to your face when you burn out, or things get negative toward you not to mention body dysmorphia, why Im losing 40 lbs, have lost 22lbs already. You can be beautiful and shine for that very reason that there is something special about you and just like anyone made to look sick, then feel that way, not with it on board, and that’s how you get sick and lose your beauty spent, those rare moments of wellness are precious, never lose sight of who you were before you become something you are not. A Senator joke, to blame joke, a reference to a reference to a reference to something you have said misinterpreted in the negative, a sex tape joke, not loyal, not a good companion, not having applied to the Navy, the kind of person that irks a well wound system of insult intended to put you down and keep you down in life, and that’s how someone who helped motivate and keep things peaceful gets made to be no part of any of that wellness, that’s being left out in life treated as not belonging, a joke to a system of jokes for blame, someone trying to be like or making the same mistakes like, and that’s when the inappropriate gets asks of you so that you are the one to blame, who is trying to be sexy, who is not sexy, or ugly otherwise, then explain to me how to get back to beautiful?
No one expects you to be in crisis. I guess that’s looking like a big deal, to someone who knows where you come from in life, and doesn’t think you should be helping people, looking like you grew up on the wrong side of tracks, as though your drive is coming from a place, of pain or suffering not yet realized, the difference between being you, and what your life looks like to others, everything less peaceful, after any inner turmoils, no one likes a fake friend, let alone, someone who later cant figure out whether to identify as gay or not, seeing that dating wasn’t working out, and wouldn’t understand the competitive vibe thought to have existed to explain separations from friends, that’s someone who looks like theyre trying to be better than another friend, which doesn’t make sense to me, friends don’t put eachother down in life, or make eachother look bad, maybe feel bad, or disappointed, what talking things through are for, to manage any upsets, whether or not there are mediators ie friends or boyfriends taking care of business for them, and separating them from potential sources of hurt, that’s being treated like a traitor, leaving one life, to focus on your next life, which may not always happen for you, without having your old life, is the misunderstanding of breaks, they become permanent. And just as you are about to go back to work, how quickly you are reminded you are nothing without respect and trust, and that’s how people who welcome you back into their lives get hurt, having come to terms with your mental health issues past, and accepting you as you are having faith in better days ahead for you, enjoy your time spent with others, and if you cant just means that you got sick thinking about things that don’t matter as much, as those who actually mattered to you in life. The disappointment, is expecting you to be higher up, or end up higher up, that’s not always a high others see you on, wanting to be apart of that’s people living for the moment, without concern for whats in store for you in the future as talked about, let alone observed or overlooked by others, usually things talked about post argument look worse than we were, that’s being taken advantage of, for being vulnerable to seem like, without understanding you got hurt and don’t remember why or what happened to you, that’s your head shape, face, and chin changing, which can later be repaired by running and weight loss, but that defective quality about you, is the first thing noticed, to say, that’s whats unlikeable about you, different in writing, or person, or photo. No one wants to be scared about believing evil exists, lifes not a movie, but if youre ever in crisis, and it gets to that point of just being you and the person youre talking to, they don’t need that, and will assume youre gone to the point of no return, that’s being made a fool of in life. So if your blog and website later take off, that was an allowable condition on and off for years, without being bothersome to others or complained about, so long as one was feeling well in recovery thinking out loud, later looks elementary, not smart, which is how your writing gets viewed once read, makes sense, helps, but everyone else thinks they can do better a job of explaining the whole picture through their own lives, if they know more about life with confirmations than you do, to say that you require nods, confirmations, or cues to know whether you are on track or not, I think that much gets misunderstood Im very proper in public, and that energy started before I even recovered fully from being in my own world to myself, for some reason that threatens others, and if you react that’s how you fall apart as known, without knowing that youre known, if that’s so hard to know someone whos not famous yet, then Im sorry if I was known, and everyone edgy toward me, as though that was the big joke, even people in the hospital were controlling about things including initiative playing apples to apples in the neuropsychiatric center following a mental breakdown, while applying, and a third LSAT. So I think was the joke, seeing your hand in life, and doing their best to not help make things happen for you, that’s to see what your made of should you look guilty, whether additional harms are caused, well according to all stats Im stable, maybe not physically at ease but that’s okay it was well worth coming full circle, to illustrate that difficulties happen that can be overcome, so that’s no reason to quit no matter what pains past are torturing you now to be a joke about, I think when it comes to hardwork, when you invest a lot of time, years in improving your self image, any break in fun, is deemed to be reminiscent of times past you drank or dated, and people lost respect for you, no matter who chooses to like you, appear irresponsible for loving others, liking others, making friends in life, and be made to be the one not proud of you. Since I once tweeted shared on my Instagram, “Im someone who everyone is always quick to take the side of the other, no my own…” something like that that’s how I was treated presently, as though I receive any advices in life on a daily basis or weekly, that’s by me talking get helped, not by talking online or in private get help, that’s to brief someone updates, that not to draw sympathies for me, issues, causes, understandings, or pitch ideas to, its called being social and double checking with others, for whatever its worth, no offense was taken when called a “starfucker” and yes that was the worst things could get for me, a post removed about “nudes,” and yes I did punch my head and slam my head into doors, following social interactions or being alone too long hearing voices, not being proactive enough, that’s voices depending on you, not wanting to be responsible for not doing anything to help you, and expecting you to do better and not mention that there was ever a side of voices in life, ever causing you to become delusional or self harm that’s a private struggle not for the public, and that weird energy means talk not be silent around people, that’s how unwanted communications occur, fidgeting, signaling, awkward.
Im sorry for being graphic, ordinarily I dont think my Reverend wouldve been protesting arrested, she just moved here from up North, and can't afford to meet with her, while I worked.
People expect you to be in sync, whereby any element tough, is deemed to be a defense to others, some information made private, through deposition disclosures sometimes is not information known to all for the entirety of their lives, whereby all later interpretations of people get viewed in the negative a test for communications, upon anyone else suddenly being tougher than, having something others do not, confidence, and that’s what happens when people go through your things, and find things, and then try to say that you were doing something scary, or hid something scary to scare someone upon finding it, and that’s not the purpose for managing an inventory as sick as that may sound to anyone else, think that life is about being tough, for what? Not even now demands anyone to be tough, its when someone on the inside of wellness is caused illness, that’s to do away with a person or their associations in life, thinking connected to bad people which is what happens when you get robbed, as though that’s your innate inclination to not be liked, or for things to work out disfavorably in your best interests of others. Everyone wants to know why everyone gets sick and its really none of anyones business to understand the causes for slowing any Titanic down for that matter or what about, lifes not a series of moves, not then and not now, none of it funny at this point in time. So for whatever reasons you think I am here, to be scary, bossy, or comeback from anything, is not the purpose for this blog, what later comes around, as though what goes around comes around like I deserve Karma, for having done anyone wrong, not in my life, or made anything difficult for anyone to understand, without written communications, things don’t get complicated, until everything gets read for what has not been communicated thought to be held secret, and that’s what happens when you say your fears out loud, as though others are supposed to keep secret your now unhappiness with self, as though anyone has anything to do with that caused, we all take responsibility when we get one uped in life, a let down, lets not anyone lose our minds about it, or struggle mentally, there is a such thing as being happy, without overanalyzing every detail of someones candor or speech,. And that’s when things are taken too far, to cause illness, or do away with one person, as though they are too late, not successful enough, trying to be the solution and at the same time be seen as a cause, and when no amount of hospitalization can be viewed as doing the right thing for me, that’s when people start doing the right thing for themselves or so it seems to have been done. I always do my best to be clear, and for whatever reasons sometimes panic, but never violent or angry toward anyone, including myself, Im not sure what amount of loss in anything power, respect, confidence, amounts to anger, its not one of my issues, not one of my expressions, and if I am tough or stand up for myself too soft spoken to be anything scary and that’s when your face matters as recorded remembered to be someone off beat passionate, and that’s negative judgment of you in private, as though others are entitled to see how far along you are in life, and when you stop to think its about whats in your computer, you stop thinking about whats online, you stop thinking about whats on your twitter, or email, and then what is the cause for that energy toward you or illness felt, loss, is that time being lost, where did your momentum go, was it deserved, what causes your mind to rot or become sick ill, is it your own mixed feelings about yourself, that must be one element of staying well, pride, not just a gay analogy, privacy. So when someone takes their anger out on you, that’s you being fed to the wolves, and then being blamed as though that’s what happened if that happens now, no that’s just someone following you, then making you look stupid, as though you have ever appeared smarter than anyone in the history of time, stood out in that way, it must be a new line of respect now. I thin forgiveness goes a long way, but the more you disclose, the less compassion others have for you, and that’s a sad fact about life, not until you or someone gets sick, does someone stop, or not until something occurs that doesn’t make them feel good do they realize nothing can be done. Don’t let anyone push you to your limits in life, life was meant to be lived, not worrying about crimes, the lives of others, or a crime made out of your life, be treated as someone who is a fraud, who has not worked hard, nor never done their best to be professional with no problems. Im always honest, something I was noted for at a meeting, I guess its by how things were when they were well, that no one comes to believe as being true, when you become worse off, over subtle jokes if any as though your fears, were not legit, that’s seeing through another lens in life.
Maybe explains why I registered as a corporation, because Petrocelli does Corporation Defense, I got an update about him in a Super Lawyers Magazine article pointed out to me in Law School at a SFV Bar Member meeting, did the depositions, I later did deposition summaries at work, they're all intense, thats just how they are, professional. I wore makeup once to Professor Feldman's class, Im sure that brought up a bunch of other issues, not aware of, sorry. A recruiter from O'Melveny & Meyers contacted me on Linkedin, at one point, applying again.
Voices: 2006 (cocaine) then went to Outpatient Rehab
Voices: 2020 (blogging, tweeting, Vyvanse)
Talked Seated: Bungalow (given a dollar smoking at a group table)
Talked Standing: Bungalow (told I was “weird,’ left writing and crying to a bouncer)
Talked Seated: Bungalow (Upset shouted to “do something” after Las Vegas)
Talked in the Smoking Section: Bungalow (Suggested going home early not stay out late).
Why a ping pong table was added “blue tile infinity” like I am Diddy’s Pool I swam in once.
Talked Alone: In Westwood, before Messenger and Writing Books.
Marched to Westwood and Back, before earthquake in Mexico, attended one meeting in a Pink Dress.
After I was hospitalized for 30 days, phone and computer taken away, for not sleeping.
Marched once down Wilshire in a navy nightie, upset, then put my button up dress back on.
The bars were painted with a boxer and a chef, then I started to hit my head with my hands.
I was told to go to “The Victorian” even though I go to Bungalow, call for permissions to get in.
In my iPhone, once described the first time I thought a girl was pretty someone I interviewed.
In my iPhone, once described, any sexual encounters in which I was not myself then, kept.
In my iPhone described a moment, when I was peeing in a stall with my best friend, hit on her.
Then everyone made grabbing cunt jokes, groping jokes, because she vomited both got sick.
Then everyone made businesses, making fun of my iPhone notes, like I was a “speakeasy” in Yellow.
To say that my disclosed inappropriate touching, was unwanted when sex continued that night anyways.
Then because I stated where the advice came from Cosmopolitan Magazine, wanting to know whether its by my disclosures others are attacked, and thats hurting me, to say whats known, to be spoken through me now, here.
Now its looking at things feeling hurt, not in charge anymore, winding up places, with no one there.
Now its my life, as told, or spoken about, no one wants to hear about by how many people unpopular.
Now its looked at my face, to see at what point I was ever emotional and why, no one feels sorry now.
And because of one movie, I later mad a website with ads, in good humor liking a BBDO CEO in NY.
And its when I like someone else, that whoever was the object of my affection, gets offended, disowned.
I am not given money by my request, then its me not being trusted with money if an addict.
Then its if I was an addict then and that was the cause, known, whether dating a Basketball Player caused a cocaine addiction or forced me to make friends, out of trying to be cooler, no I was cool.
I think its consequence of people feeling special confidential, then me sharing, makes them feel sick.
What causes me to expose what is of value to me, occurs when I am made to look less than to become of value then is to protect my interests in staying healthy, what people think I cannot dominate.
Then after messaging the President, and after taking many gorse photos of myself, bettered myself.
That started with not hitting my head, talking myself up to the challenge, and going back to work.
Then going back to work, do my best to make sure everyone was well, even if I got sick, became weird.
My goal was not to be police dependent, to be able to tell a feeling, from a risk, report on time, prompt.
Its by what is not reported, that I am made to feel guilty, like I let things happen, Dads car got totaled.
I am someone who has been involved reporting in to officials since day one, that’s everyone quiet.
When others are quiet, it’s the responsibility of those who are well, to try to figure out whats at issue.
When figuring out whats at issue, that so that people feel free of harm, not subjected to the same.
And when others are too old to wait, and singing in the hospital, is when I stopped talking to myself or writing notes and squares, and wrote a book, about 5 total book draft ideas, types of writing saved: personal, professional, opinion, story based, inference based, deduction based, peace based speaking.
So then I made a library too, after President Bush made a library, of course I would not spent my lifes work assembled by me, give soley for the purposes to stop a mismanagement of issues directed, its because as a member, it was something not pressing, as to someone who was dong well, in public.
And like a book was given to the wrong person, instead of bonding with someone who had faith, a loss of faith occurred, at the first Inauguration, I was tired of being called “pervert” and had sex in the valley. That’s voices occurring when things are going well for you, so that things dotn work out for you, so that no one trusts you, so that you are made to feel separate, until you recognize whats coming from you, coming from others, how many know you, what youre responsible for, word wise, communication wise. And the voices you get, are viewed as a product of what you say in writing, not of whats overheard. What is overhead are peoples right to react and to know about your condition without you knowing it, that’s being talked about in the positive or the negative, stuff you really aren’t ever supposed to tune into in life that’s exactly why you get hurt, as though others must brace themselves found out about. I think that’s the misnomer, or reporting in, viewed as for sexual reasons a homewrecker, well if that’s what is expected of a woman, to be viewed as likeable, then those are the standards of acceptance face.
Lesson people wont stop until they are proven right about you, as though theyre entitled to see you hit your head or talk to yourself, or what youre like with voices, to see whether any combination of those issues, if viewed by all, demonstrates why people are distant toward you as deserved not by choice.
I am working on seeing a Psychiatrist, because I could not afford one, have tried to see a temporary family practitioner, but clearly my mental health is not strong enough to just get meds, physically need someone to monitor my condition, if I need a medication change, and that’s how my life is now, tough.
Im sorry that I struggled, and for the misunderstanding of bipolar, staying well or helping should not be made this difficult but if others think they are doing society or others a favor in giving you a hard time, thats to see whether you get sick by your own guilts in life, to see if you ever get upset, with how you are treated, when things are well. Thats the problem with discussing how well you were ever known, compared to now, makes no difference on a larger scale, cannot undo, when someone thinks your grose, masculine, sexual, perverted, or obnoxious, not smart. That is how you get treated based upon who you are grouped with in life, and thats your new identity, the side of everyone else as having done you favors in life, so no well life is ever interpreted to have existed for you.
Document Relevant for Review: https://www.scribd.com/document/414630346/06-26-19-pdf-v2-short-motion-for-world-peace?secret_password=xCS4VC3pkvU9UYQPQAhF#download&from_embed