After spending a year or so writing to myself. I don't feel like writing anymore. I'm deciding whats appropriate to publish and whats inappropriate, what is an honest interpretation, and what to share about my beliefs, opinions, fears, and mental challenges I've faced. Online I do not write bad about other people, but if I felt a certain way at a certain point in my life, I explained why, not to make anyone look bad, but to understand why I felt so alone and compelled to write to myself and eventually talk to myself out loud in bars (at one point). Now I am balanced emotionally and mentally focused sharp (NOT disillusioned, delusional, paranoid, fearful, not confident, insecure) and back in school. I still am not a fast writer, never have and never will. But reading my writing is far different than actually writing, takes a lot of time and effort on my part and mental energy and positive focus. I do not write when I am upset, because when I am upset or made to feel bad about myself I do not feel motivated to write. I stopped writing creative pieces myself sometime in 2013, because I was made to feel like I was mentally ill or that there was something wrong with me. Questioned? Why are you writing on Twitter? Because its fun and makes me happy and was super interactive and I feel well-informed and up to date on current events, and its easy to keep track of whats going on in the world via Twitter. Made to feel like there was something "not" normal about writing online. So I eventually stopped writing and left Twitter and my 250+ followers at the time. At the time that was my source of emotional support, made me feel whole, like there was nothing wrong with me, and I could just be accepted as is, on good days, and on bad days, people would still listen and follow. (NEED TO REMIND MYSELF: Next entry will be timed, to show for example how long it takes me to write, so I can illustrate what I meant in this piece).
Putting a Final Paper Together (from a Final Paper I never submitted for credit in a course I received an F in for not turning in anything at all, because I was not finished, but took class notes, see within). "Paralegal 33, Drafts, documentary films"
Circa 2006-2008: My coursework notes used to write this draft
Note: This is not a finished essay just a draft of ideas being put together to write the paper, this was not the paper submitted, and should have been finished and submitted for my Documentary Film course at CU for credit, instead of not turning in a final paper and receiving an F (my only F) in the course, back in 2006.
Towards the end, is when Seidman finally gets to the guts of his potential argument. Too many unnecessary details and personal anecdotes somehow weakens the piece more than offers support for his main point. Seidman’s “confession about a confession” was ultimately an attempt to illustrate his claim that “there is nothing but masks on top of masks and frames within frames.” To me, this represents the power of confessions and how one’s confession can be interpreted by others.
No Direction Home: Bob Dylan, is one example of a documentary film that attempts to capture the live of an individual from his or her own perspective. The filmmaker’s job is illustrate and represent that individuals reality through an artistic display. However ultimately the messages transpired to the audience are left to the interpretations of the viewer. An individuals reality is a summation of their experiences and how it affects their perspective and distinguishes between how they see the world versus how someone else would see it.
Documentary film, encompasses the heart of the Independent Filmmakers purpose and the journey they take, while deviating from norm; that includes the popular beliefs, opinions, and judgments held by those in position of power to distribute their works of art, in addition to the general public whose expressed scrutiny is swayed by those considered most knowledgeable and independent of the general public (i.e. executive producers, major distributors, deep pocketed individuals, etc.) The biggest risk they take is attempting to alter public perception, by shedding a new light upon topic and issues that both affect the audience they target, and provide sufficient artistic evidence/displays to which the general public can relate. The most innovative and recognized for this craft, are those able to create works that the public can both relate to and at the same time influence the change in the public’s general understanding of the truth of the matter. In this way, Independent Film makers and documentary film makers success is determined by their ability to understand multiple points of view in order to convey the perspective they put out there to broaden the public general understanding and scope of what may be considered as truth.
Within the film industry at large, it would be unlikely to determine that the film industry is not in any way shape or form influenced by government an politics. In fact, the laws to which individuals within the industry abide by, were written and enforced by the government. The degree to which that influence is in directly connected to major film producers, executives, and distributors within the film making industry has yet to be determined. However one article by Jeff Fleischer, sheds some light on how the government has specifically influenced the direction that movies take, when depicting U.S. government involvement in war.
“During his years as a journalist for Daily Variety and The Hollywood Reporter, Robb heard about a quid-pro-quo agreement between the Pentagon and Hollywood studios, and decided to investigate. He combed through thousands of Pentagon documents, and interviewed dozens of screenwriters, producers and military officials. The result is his new book, "Operation Hollywood."
Robb talked with MotherJones.com about deal-making that defines the relationship between Hollywood and the Pentagon.
A documentary on Al Gore’s campaign to make the issue of global warming a recognized problem worldwide
Al Gore narrating, opening statement describing a river what we see and what will happen to it in the future, what we don’t see is what’s being filmed while he’s giving a presentation to a live audience
Made this film after the last election, in which he lost to Bush
He says that there are good people in politics that understand the morale imperative to make these changes
Narration, showing images of the earth taken from the Apollo mission
Only image we have of our earth
Then shows another image from the Galileo
Tells a little anecdote from his childhood, recalling a memory from his elementary school geography class and a comment made by his teacher
Recites a quote by Mark Twain:
“What gets us into trouble is not what we don’t know, It’s what we know for sure that just ain’t so”
Al Gore educating his audience, gives a scientific explanation of how global warming occurs and the effects it has on our environment--Then shows a cartoon, using characters to depict the factors causing global warming
Tells us what inspired him to learn more about this---a professor of his who was the first to measure the level of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere—after the first few years of data he saw the devastating consequences that had yet to come—talks about the various scientific experiments used for measuring CO2 in the earth’s atmosphere (using hotair balloons and sending them into the atmosphere)---and he was one of the students that got to see the results of his teachers first experiments
He drew the connections btw the larger changes of our civilization and whats happening now and predictions of what will happen in the future.
Gives some examples of how it has affected our environment and shows images of ice glaciers falling.
When there is more carbnon dioxide the temp gets warmer b/c it traps the heat inside
Shows graph of the fluctuations in temperature/ that shows the correlation btw. levels of COs in the atmosphere and the changes in temperature that occur simultaneously
Describes the environmental devastation as a violation of our morale and describes it as unethical
Describes his effort to inform the public of environmental issues as a calling, something he feels that he needs to do, as if it is his purpose in life to do something about it
talks about pipelines in alaska
we were given warning. Question of how we react to warnings given to us by expert scientists
“The era of procrastination, of Half-Measures, of Soothing and Baffling Expedients, of delays, is coming to its close; In its place we are entering a period of consequences.” –Sir Winston Churchhill nov. 12, 1936
Then shows clips from the election, and the poll results shown/ broadcasted on the news.
In thinking critically about society and the individuals which comprise unique groups within, documentary film gives unique insight into the lives of others and their perspective of the world in which we live. Individually we are limited to that which we are familiar with and that which we have experienced ourselves first hand. Only through interaction with others do we gain further insight and are better able to understand the way in which others interpret their experiences and how they see society. Documentary film is unique in that it gives a filmmaker the opportunity to create an artistic collage of others experiences, which they can use to illustrate and convey a particular point of view. As sociologists, our job is to think critically of the filmmakers purpose of creating the film, as well as think critically of how well the film maker has conveyed his/her viewpoint.
The first documentary we viewed in class, illustrated one filmmakers interpretation of sound and illustrated an alternative view of sound and perception from the viewpoint of those hearing impaired. Who the film maker chose to document, provided a prime example of someone who defeated the odds, and deviated from societal perception of what constitutes a disability and the extent to which society influences our view of ourselves. By documenting the technique and compositions of a renown percussionist, we are able to see how one woman overcame a hearing impairment, yet still pursued her passion to make music. Rather than allow her disability to impair her, she found other non-traditional means of continuing to learn to play and create music, a talent which she can share and teach others under similar circumstances. The message the filmmaker is sending to the viewer is that by succumbing to pressures and norms or society we may begin to doubt that which we are capable of pursuing, and that our potential to inspire others lies in our ability to utilize all of our senses. Those who inspire others, and stand out from the rest, are those who go against the grain of societal norms. Not only does society shape our perceptions and influence our growth, but individuals are responsible as well for shaping the world in which we live. Those who deviate from the norm help to break the boundaries of society set by those before us, to create a sense of order and continuity. The general viewpoints held by society, and the way in which societies are structured are meant to help simplify our interactions with one another, and help to guide us. By conforming, we avoid conflict, by blending in, however at the same time we reinforce society’s perception of how we as a group are supposed to be. Blending in and conforming is only a temporary strategy we can use to simplify our lives. However the further away we get from our own self perceptions, the more we rely on society to influence us and shape our identities. As a result, individuals begin to identify themselves and realize their own potential to build a new paths rather than go along with what has already been done.
Leslie Fischman Um, does dating come with a Map, because I think I make sense, but apparently I'm still a little rough around the edges, always been a tomboy, that won't change, fill my closet with high heels and fancy blouses, all I need is my desk and my brain to function optimally. Its hard for me to start a new relationship because I am often clouded by emotions and negative thoughts or comments that get triggered, and then re-triggered when out in public, because I get paranoid, I think people are watching me and trying to see if they get the same result, a negative reaction (that just makes me want to drink), and makes me feel more insecure about myself, why I spend the majority of my time alone in my apartment, the reaction wouldnt have occurred if I wasn't triggered (but no one will admit to laughing in my face, or staring at me funny, they'll just find satisfaction in me reacting negatively, which is when I start talking to myself and being weird, when Im made to feel uncomfortable in my own skin), never been overly critical of others, just of myself, but when the reverse occurred, it wasnt anything I havent already felt or been said to my face before. Just in case you were wondering, I'm not proud of myself, and since everyone is embarrassed by me, I dont want to embarrass you, or people to think you are dating a loser, because I dont have a job, yet. Thats why I'm quiet. | Thoughts for today |
So ya back to Ghostbusters Movie analogy, like the scene where the baby is floating down the pink slime river, and then the guy in the painting lifts them out of the cradle and puts her on the ground, and she screams, "wait! Im not done with law school yet :/" and the guy in the painting says to the baby, dont worry about that, just learn how to walk like the rest of us, it may take you longer with no one to hold you up and show you how but I believe in you, you'll figure it out eventually just keep trying to get back into school and like your parents said in Boulder, just finish because if you stop going to school than its going to be even more difficult for you to go back, which is why I keep writing my fact pattern and analyzing all the billions of sides and arguments possible to keep my mind busy and productive because Im scared of turning into a vegetable again and its taken a lot of hard work and determination just to get into law school and ran out of steam and once well rested enough to handle the pressure and criticism judgment distractions side talk giggles interruptions counter attack arguments and rebuttals interference with already diminishing ability to focus I hope to once again make a full recovery while jogging at 4.0 rpms at an incline of 5.0 on the tredmill in front of a window for everyone to watch and say, is she real? Or full of shit? [deleted sentence] Is she stupid or just mentally challenged? Is she a product of her Enviornment or is she on meds? In response to the latter, I am both a product of my enviornment and on meds and to be in my enviornment requires me to be on meds, so that I keep things in perspective and adjust accordingly to the next hard ball someone throws at my heart.
Weebly About Me (removed from page 1) 09/07/14
CONTENT: Very personal experiences & school work records. Trying to just be normal. I get paranoid (Ive lived alone since 2004) and I write a lot, I apologize for anything Ive said or word choice misunderstandings along the way. I'm stable now, the mental illness has passed, it takes awhile to get back to normal. It was difficult to work and go to law school at the same time, if I were able to do both, I would have finished law school, but I was encouraged to work and go to school at the same time, fell behind, and still trying to maintain that balance. I hope this website best explains that I am doing my best to work, find work, manage personal issues, take good care of my health, and finish a Masters in Law. I don't think I will ever be as strong as a student as I was in (JD) law school, but I am doing my best to recover and get back up to speed. I love school, so it hurts that I am under-performing right now and not able to do my best and focus like I used to be able to. I feel like I am foggy now, not sharp, not quick, slow . . . but I am doing my best to make a full recovery and stay strong.
I do not write abstract anymore. That was just that summer, summer 2013. I felt very isolated and alone, and was not talking to anyone, difficulty getting a hold of anyone, so I just wrote. My relationships with others have since resumed, and are back to their normal state. I think if you don't know what is wrong with a person, they can be difficult to speak to. If I say there is nothing wrong with me, didn't seem to help. But by getting a job and continuing school online, and trying to better myself whether by running everyday or blogging, writing, or being able to function living by myself, seems to have assured others that I am doing well. Maybe not as well as I would like to be doing right now. Maybe if I had not experienced as many failures as I did last year, I would have not responded that way and written so many abstract pieces that make me sound like someone who loves to hear the sound of their own voice on paper. I do not normally write that way, I was just in the creative spirit. I have kept a diary my whole life, and free write occasionally. I think a lot of my issues with fear were due to paranoia, which were heightened during times when others were fighting with me, or from stress from school. It is during those times, I do not take good care of myself, have trouble sleeping, staying focused, achieving my goals for the week, and difficulty socializing with others which becomes awkward when I do not have anything positive to talk about and only talking about my problems makes me anti-social or uncomfortable around others which is not my normal demeanor.
Going through a difficult time trying to maintain composure under pressure, and recover get back to my old self. Disciplined, goal oriented, and driven. I just needed to take the time to reflect on the past few years, in terms of how I dealt with problems and fights I got into with others, by responding, where no response was probably the better alternative approach to confrontation and uncomfortable feelings. I think being on the meds I am on now has made a huge difference in terms of how I communicate and the depth to which I can reflect on those feelings, triggers, and what would be the best path to resolve those issues. Its important whenever one is experiencing hardships and difficulties in their own lives, not to wish the same upon another just because you felt hurt by another. If someone inflicts pain upon me, thats undeserved, than its not my duty or responsibility to explain to that person why they hurt my feelings, or threatened my feelings of safety. If this person then becomes defensive & paranoid because I get sick and hospitalized suicidal its not my responsibility to then make them feel safe again. I have to feel safe and be strong first in order to make others or those around me feel safe. Someone who interferes with my ability to do so, puts me at risk of harm, especially when I was suicidal when I met this person. Knowing that, and not caring if I die or not, should be of no surprise that I get angry and reacted the way I did, running for hours until I felt like I was going to collapse and breathing in harsh fumes in my car, relapsing, then needing to go to the hospital because I was having difficulty breathing and neck pain. Why is it, that when I am in pain and feel like I am dying no one reacts as though its an emergency, and tells me I'll be fine. Why am I here? If I cannot get along with others well, and social interactions cause me paranoia, than I am better off alone and away from everyone in my own world. My mental illness affects no one but me, unless someone purposefully triggers me to see how I react towards them to make me look like I am crazy, when I was fine before to myself, not bothering anyone, keeping to myself. -Leslie