Chapter 77: Journal Notes 1 (Handwritten) by Leslie A. Fischman
Being put together. Some people put things together to hurt you, if you allow them to and sometimes people put things together in a way that helps. –You cannot control the interpretations of others. Whether for or against you. It does not make sense why anyone would read along and not support me. But take benefit. –That does not make sense to me –why anyone would acquire information from a person they do not like. For what reasons are people negative toward others? For what reasons do people bring up the past (not true) to serve and benefit themselves, their viewpoints. For what causes do they seek to trigger to benefit themselves? There is always cause for worry once aggravated. Occurs when one side is not doing well and to better themselves bring down another side. This is called competition for happiness. When one cannot be happy for others or anothers happiness irritates them.
That doesn’t make sense to me. Everyone deserves to live a normal life and do the best they can to achieve a normal life. There is never any excuse for anger or hostility toward others. Is never justified if not purposefully provoked. –Some problems exist within themselves. In it of themselves –in existence – meaning not existing because of others. –Problems, ideas, or thoughts. Are most likely generated from their own concerns. Assume from a good place to not contribute to those ills. –I was thinking about this today –There are conversations, then you leave conversations. How to control yourself during unwanted conversations and what to do in the event of aggravation. Usually its best to walk away, leave the conversation and not engage others in conversation –avoid fights. –How you function afterwards –is in your control.
No one can control you your thoughts behaviors or how you function in life. It is never your responsibility to correct those who have harmed you. People who are exposed to abuse, used to those types of relationships will repeat those patterns toward you –hurt you again. Always be understanding. Especially when it comes to family and friends. Listen not tell people how you feel, but try to make new conversation, not relate whats going wrong with individuals not concerned with personal issues. Platforms are not for attention but for communication with others. How people identify themselves is their own responsibility, not the responsibility of everyone ever to help one person. A person should fix themselves to match their settings and blend in. Not stand out to be fixed. That’s trying – recipe for seeking unwanted attention to if talked about can place blame on others –try to make someone like you or have similar issues to be addressed or fixed. Best to get professional advice, not wear others out with negativity. Once you change it will seem like everything changes around you.
Be thankful for every passing day you live. Life is not short but it does not need to be painful or lived in regret – if you make the right choices no one can hurt you. –Only yourself by your perceptions. –Your cares and by your outlook in life and by the judgments you pass on others. Look to your future for peace. All that your left with then is your present. –Your present circumstances always figure out/predict your future. What may seem trivial in retrospect is never easy to bear when presently undergone. Everything you’ve been through in life matters. –Welcome your thoughts with a critical and smart heart that cares for yourself help yourself achieve your present –noticed achievements will always help others in a way that’s not hurtful but helpful. Never manipulate emotions recognize them and always set them aside first.
What you willingly respond and react to will determine your ability and your ability reflects your present outlook without having to explain yourself to others. What makes sense to you may not make sense to all. –You have to find your own drives in life –Whether or not always maintain stability a sense of normalcy to achieve inner peace –we discussed this.
“Once you change it will seem like everything changes around you” 12-18-17
“Always be the best version of yourself” (@leslie_fischman, Instagram 2016).
When you change what matters to you will help you overcome what bothers you. Change occurs daily never at once and always in parts. “Whole is the sum of its parts” #famousquote. Never cease to exist –your mind matters but your life and livelihood accepted is more important.
You should never become too dependent on any one thing or person for love. That is up to you how you play your cards in life and where you end up in life is up to you. Don’t fret the small stuff in life. Always focus on the big picture. If you’re not where you need to be in life and not happy then think about what will make you happy in life. Never get too caught up in the delusion of unhappiness. Don’t lock yourself into unhappy or unwanted thoughts. Think about what it is that will make you happy. Is what you’re doing right now going to help you achieve happiness in life why or why not. Don’t let anyone bring you down in life. –We all get sick sometimes its all a matter of getting well and staying well.
You have to be careful –what you consume affects you. What is becoming of you is when you represent yourselves and others well. Always be in control of your emotions. What you send out (energy) gets sent back to you. Especially on social media. –Where we are easily affected by others and easily misread. Who you are and who you are associated to matters. You build those associations to you by the likes you choose. –How people see what matters to you –and what youre affected by. Always see the big picture. –Nothings a big deal if you don’t make it out to be a big deal. Think in terms of consequences. –How does your audience feel. That’s a good indicator of how you should project yourself online to others –help make normal others. When you are normal everything around you will feel normal too.
Im not feeling well today. Im not sure whats wrong it must be stress … on my heart making me feel bad about myself. Im having difficulty feeling good in life and finding joy and satisfaction again in life. I just want to feel well and do well. Maybe I need to study for my life and health exam. [At the time I got a job as a life insurance agent, and did not stay, too difficult to learn new material right now, that’s why]. I think that will make me feel better about myself not communications. I think too many communications subjects me to harm and hardship in life. Im trying to just maintain a steady head on my shoulders at this point not worry too much about what others think of me and just stay positive. Im not sure whats wrong with me. I should not need to convince everyone of my mental illness or whats wrong with me. I just wanted to do well in life and now Im not doing well. I don’t think that my life should be ruined. I should still have an opportunity to achieve in life and do well with or without others. [ie. Be independent of others, regain my sense of self-confidence].
You have to be careful what you write online not all of it is in your best interests to share out loud –some of it when put together can make you look delusional and paranoid when written said out loud and explained. If its just something bothering you it need not be something that has to bother everyone. That is a misnomer that something that bothers you a little now is so important to discuss because it will bother you more at some future point in time. You just have to let things go and not be bothered by others or happenings, whether or not to do with you or others. That’s just a manifestation of your paranoia nothing to do with the judgments passed by others.
When you’re bad, people will try to situate blame upon you to get you to say and behave in a way that illustrates what puts you in those shoes in life and what is considered your downfall. Always listen to others and not try too hard or be defiant as that looks like ego over compensation for retardation or disability/addiction. You cannot change what others think of you or be put together. Sometimes you have to learn when to quit or change pace or stop before its too late, you only have one life to live, don’t ruin it chasing dreams, or you will not feel good about yourself if you do things to feel good or to make others feel good just work hard, be your best self.
Just because I don’t write doesn’t mean I have no thoughts. Im just resting need to conserve my energy due to burn out. What is wanted –is what is communicated. You have to be strong.
When people get upset with you they expect something from you provoked behavior to cause a consequence or a fact to occur to connect. That’s mean and elaborate to connect bad to good. You cannot go backwards in life image wise once youre done youre done. Its hard to repair yourself. Its never too late to get healthy be well.
You cannot be a machine in life you have to keep going but not put yourself at risk of harm. That’s not just about image but about your health and your heart. In order to stay strong you have to be good.
I feel like literal interpretations can cause illness. Its not for one to judge the other based upon choices in life.
Its never too late to change and speak well of yourself otherwise they test for negative patterns hurt you. Always listen to your Doctor trust them.
No Im not always on my phone. Im a writer. I wrote my book on my phone.
I don’t think that setups are necessary to hurt others esteem to prove guilt or not be watched constantly that’s an abuse of power an unwanted touching of my mind. Im not an experiment. I cannot listen to songs of victims. That’s too polluted harmful to the purpose of being positive not thinking negatively about self and/or others. I’m sorry I said to my Dad if he goes I’ll go with him, that wasn’t nice of me to say that, I should be positive. I never complain or blame others for my problems.
You cant win them all life is not a game to be broken or one sided or not. No harm to others is ever valuable to society.
Im having difficulty being. My sense of being is physically disturbed. Why Im on heavy meds. I don’t have identity issues. Im not a violent person toward self or others. Im not feeling well feeling ill need to get my rest and sleep now get my energy back no worry others. Not share pains or delusions just be normal.
I don’t think I handled the stress and trauma from recent events well. And went on a Tinder date. Then back to Jay, he called, 10 days later, now I feel grose. This was not a good two months for me. Plus someone left trash on the trash can. Snacks.
The fine was really traumatizing –pause long – nothing to say. Zoned out. I think that its very difficult to help others when you yourself are not doing well strong. Life can be traumatizing. I just need to focus on sleep and rest, recuperate. Think. Im starting IOP again. Was planning to, but not going to go, I don’t have time to sit and talk. Maybe that will help with my thought disorders. Keep me centered. Focused on me.
What happens when others try to be you in life not themselves problems occur. –You can always help others but you cannot always be perfect in life. It takes time to get to better in life. –Life’s not all about mystery. –When you share too much about yourself you run the risk of getting blamed in life for causes and circumstances outside of your immediate control. –You cannot change others only yourself. Don’t expect people to change for you. You are responsible for yourself always. People will think what they want if misguided to feel better than. –That’s irresponsibility toward others.
Secrets don’t really help when everyone knows something you don’t know. –Setting you up for failure in life, when you do your best and your best is not good enough. –You get compared to the ill –wealthy. Im not successful with money never paid. –Don’t make me ill, treat me as sick. –Need to take a nap now rest.
When youre not feeling well there is nothing you can do to make your life better. That’s when pain hits –its called disappointment occurring on a high note in life when you are doing well and you get sent backwards in life. –So you cannot function well. That is how people get hurt caring for and about others. Always be respectful of the time and spaces of others. –You never know who is fragile who is not. Always be kind to others.
I never self-sabatoge usually when doing well you attract others and from that attention a judgment is made as to your sense of being –niceness to others, care future well being in hardship.
The feeling like you cant go backwards in life is usually an error so grave that it hurts your esteem socially permanently. It takes time to recover from embarrassment to self. You just have to stay positive. Not everything you say matters. But you should always matter and what you say about others matters too.
I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately about my future and what I want to do with my life. Start a career and marriage. Met a soldier online who likes my writing and wants to marry me. How sweet. It takes time to build a life for yourself. It doesn’t happen overnight.
I’m starting to get my energy back slowly. Ive not been well these past few months but just starting to feel better again. Ive been talking to Drake he’s overseas in Afghanistan. I’m going to meet him in April to visit and meet him. Im not sure what is best for him to meet me here in CA or fly to New York to meet him. This whole thing sounds complicated. He told me to be patient. He wants to marry me.
When Im feeling faint that probably means that something is really wrong or really unfixable. It’s the point –or past the point of no return. Sometimes you have to know when to stop. You can do your best a job well done but eventually you can never get anywhere in time. How do you prevent crime? If I knew how I’d keep trying.
In order to feel well you have to be doing well its hard to do well when things are not going well for you. –I just met someone new and I hope we are a match. I know that they always say that they can find better. But I just want to be with someone who thinks that Im good enough for them. –I was thinking about my AA meetings today. I was thinking about going back. I really need a car though. –I just started dating someone new online Drake Meyer. Hes a soldier. He really loves me and wants to marry me. He’ll be home for a month in April. I look forward to meeting him. He might even come to CA and meet my family. We met on Facebook he sent me a friend request and I accepted. Im glad I did I ignored all the other friend requests except for his. Im glad he sent me one.
When things are not going well that’s not time to change the way you are to accommodate anyone else’s needs but your own, that only puts you at risk of harm. Image is not important, and its impossible to look trashy in crisis that’s a gives. But when you do not value yourself or when you are not valued you will be treated as trash or trashy and that’s how you will appear to others is called image. Some don’t care some are picky some conservative. But how you carry yourself your image should always best represent yourself in life. You are in control of your own thoughts and behaviors –any emotional instability is always a product of your choices in life not necessarily by belief, trend, or influence, we are always on our own when it comes to learning, the hardest part.