When I Saw Them Last …
A lot of people come and go from your life, but you never think that that will be the last time that you see them. I grew up going to Neverland Ranch, with me to the end, Paris Jackson, even showed up in the valley where a Reverend held my hands and vlogged me, before hitting my head, I had gone to the valley on a Tinder Date in the middle of an Inaguration after waiting six years for someone I hook up with once a year Jay West. He was retuning from Texas, the deal was if taken this person would hook up with me, I didn’t think of the consequences of Jay not returning to me, or that our relationship would go sour, I was better off staying chaste. We had met 2013 at the bar, where I was followed to my car, upon breaking up with Aaron encouraged to play a board game of professional responsibility by a UCLA Law Student who I hooked up with. I didn’t go out much in law school but twice with friends, both times escourted home from the bars, once leaving a bar in Venice drunk and once leaving Busby’s Brentwood drunk. I had been chatting outside with someone who worked at the gym I grew up with, who used to hit on my Mom, I had already dated someone from the gym George (Age 33) when I was 18, before leaving for college in Colorado, I was not interested in the time had told him I was moving to Colorado but he insisted on dating me, and even encourage me to move home transfer to UCLA, but wasn’t a good enough student at the time, but on the club soccer team. Walking into Busby’s someone who I later saw in a magazine was playing video games, as I remember, I think he was John Travolta’s son, he keeps parking a limo out at the Chevron on Brentwood, trying to scare me, but I remember. I had declined to play video games and sat at the bar instead drinking, it was a quiet night out with friends. I used to play pool at Busby’s once and even played pacman with a USC student. The bar where I took my law school boyfriend, out only photo, photobombed by someone at the bar, we were a new item, had met over summer working for Children’s Law Center. I had managed 400 cases and worked for 2 Attorney’s writing motions and buttoning up files, and contacting social workers, my Attorney went to Hawaii for two weeks during that time, and got to sit at her desk and make calls. In High School we collaged my Latin Text Book, which later a photo of one of our friends was put in, who hooked up with someone at a Bar-Mitzvah who later passed away, last saw him at the Dime, he had messaged me to hang out, but probably why not interested, went to high school with him, was best friends with a mutual friend Lindsay who lived in the same building as my ex-boyfriend in music, who I later separated from after we both relapsed on Cocaine and I got assaulted at the bars, by a ride, and taken all over town by another drug dealer I met in the street in West Hollywood, who took me to an apartment complex with a red door and a club. When Sydney was in town took her to the club I was taken to and there was a shooting by Rainbow Room, where I once sat outside Tenmasa with a dead cell phone, to get a gram for my ex-boyfriend. I was sent there by a friend from Qs who later got a job as an Uber Driver, he was an English teacher and musician from England. I was once walking outside of the bar with him, walking the other way Jay, my ex who took me out even when I had no money and bought me drinks, I had relapsed with him too, when he was living with his brother in Brentwood, he’s from Texas, and works in Tech, we met writing in my cell phone one day, before I drove to Palo Alto, and parked outside Steve Job’s house, and drove up a hill to a white flyer on a beam. I even stopped in San Francisco and picked up a ticket crossing the bridge then turning around, and drove back to Palo Alto too scared to stay in the city alone, went back. If you’re in law school stay in law school, the streets are not a good place to be when youre focused, and if youre out with friends, stay out with your friends, don’t get separated from them, and if a stranger asks to talk to you, talk to them, always be nice to everyone who comes into your life, and if people need to open up to someone, that’s okay, you don’t have to have sex with them or feel bad about it, even if they look like Jimmy Kimmel. Today we pray for those who got lost in the mix, waiting for someone special to come along, and convince them otherwise that life is better than what it seems, you are in control of your own outlook in life, regardless of who does not accept a friend request from you after meeting you at a mutual friend’s birthday party, forgive yourself often, its easy once rumors are spread about you, to look weird, don’t be bothered by the discomforts of others around you you know you best, and if everyone was making fun of you the whole time, an inspiration of someone to put down, then so be it, if you were that inspiration to others to feel special and then without you they felt smarter or better than, thinking they could do better than you, as thinking they were smarter than you then so be it, we can’t all be accepted by everyone, not everyone is a match, and nows always a good time to let go. It is the police’s responsibility to punish those who have harmed society, not the person who was victim to being made fun of, to say what they see, to let offenders go, nor to allow the good to suffer, due to artistic differences, that’s for the Judge to decide. And if your friend is overcoming heroine addiction its okay to drive them to detox, the CHP should not pull you over while taking care of a friend with Heroine addiction, who was accused of taking advantage of one of your best friends in college. Know your associations, and #dontdodrugs.
I had Starbucks with Major and he wanted to have sex with me afterward but declined. He’s friends with Chaka Khan’s Son and got made fun of by a rapper on Youtube. He dated Devin Petelski who died in a Silent Running Drill by the LAPD on Venice (#Petrocelli). And then her Brother who I think I met at Lindsay’s Birthday Party in an Argyle Sweater, at Makai on #OceanAve, asked me to be his friend on Facebook and I declined or did not accept. He then committed suicide while I was in Law School living in Marina Del Rey. (Y) Because he raped my best friend Danielle in a Bathroom (Don't impregnate me with bad souls past my future is my future why I focus on positives "can of worms" < thrown back at you > perpetrators of guilt toward me #unreasonable prosecution) when she was 5, she told me on an Airplane in 5th Grade to DC and I cried. I used to slam my head in the bathroom against the tile (My Brother used to Chase Me In), similarly after coffee with Major, slammed my head into walls, and put a hole in my wall above my bed, through the concrete to the wooden beam, broken in half. I was hearing voices and kept hitting my head into the wall -on Abilify now. Learn how to be patient not overexpose people, once things have been dealt with in the past, put blame on people for not speaking out on subjects, focused. Thats not being in a solution, thats not being apart of the problem. Once everyone experiences the same difficulty concentrating thats not the solution, to set people behind in life.
Order of Issues for Consideration:
(1) A drug dealer I met on the street drove in my car speeding did not get pulled over by police, and took me to a club, and drained my ATM, I flashed a photo of my then boyfriend in the club, as this was a long interaction, I had to take adderrall and an M pill to stay awake, as he was hyper and very talkative pouring out his life to me.
(2) I did not get fired from my job 2015, I left because I disclosed to my then Boss that someone hooked up with me after a Clippers party, after I was crying to him, took me back in for another drink, after asking for a ride home, after having had drinks at the party I was hosting and cleaning up after, last there, the parking permit was to park on the street not in the parking lot, on a specific block from which a house was rented. Afterward he put us on another job together, I cleaned the whole house alone, and completed all tasks except for the laundry in the dryer I left, needed to go back and pick up, was screamed at after being partnered with someone I hooked up with, who checked the house after being cleaned at night, after I had already left, and in a group text message complained, and then my Boss proceeded to give me a difficult time, as to why the task was not completed, I had in addition, called the police to disclose that I hooked up with someone at work. -I still talk to my Boss’s Ex-Girlfriend, who offered me a job recently, said that she needed me, and asked if I would be available upon her return from a trip. I had positive interactions with everyone at work, and no difficulties socializing or responding to their questions, concerns, or needs. The first hostess the intern we hired and interviewed.
(3) I did not invite a friend to my 21st birthday, and one did not attend the after dinner party, called in my her then boyfriend now husband to spend time with her, the friend who I did not invite to my birthday party, was a soccer friend in high school, who recommended tumblr to me, to blog. -I was never a drinker, waited until 21 to drink, and had tried cocaine spring 2006 via a friend who messaged me on Facebook to hang out, who I knew from elementary school. Together we put together a group of girls, based upon friends in common, my neighbors, who were already friends with a few of the girls. I did not go out in college, because I was not 21, and only able to get into the bars with a friend who worked in town, we later all went to the bars together after turning 21. Voices did not start until after moving to 13th Street, from my Pennsylvania Ave apartment, a bigger apartment, I thought nicer, but with no parking spot, a spot created by a storage facility, my car barely fit, parked mostly on the street and collected many parking tickets. Voices were a result of doing cocaine, and hearing people talking $hit, which then transpired to hearing voices of people talking $hit about me. I would do cocaine alone, following a breakup, and after beginning a new relationship, experienced a lot of paranoia, had decided to date a friend who was fond of me, who we had mutual friends in common with, who met my family and had taken me to a Notredame USC football game.
I don’t think anyone ever intends to hurt anyone feelings, but they do get hurt in the process of giving and receiving love, always take things with a grain of salt. Its common for there to be fighting, post breakup, learn how to roll with the punches, that’s one letting go, and the other not understanding why, usually to do with their egos express anger towards you, as resenting you, for the same reasons you left, tired or discontent not understanding of your need for space. Always allow room for others to blossom, people can only give a certain amount of time and attention to the needs of others, especially dedicated to the ones they love. If not for love, then its just an exchange of emotions, to feel and make feel good the other, leave it at that.
The way to make any relationship work is to not be needy but needed, easier said than done. When you don’t need to feel needed in order to feel loved, that means that your independent, and all the more desirable a candidate for building any type of relationship, not one quick to judge, or worry, but comfortable with the odds and ends of any given relationship, sound of mind, and sound of heart … those are the easiest relationships to be in, ones that work.
I used to think that I needed to be a certain way in order to make a relationship last, more girly, or easy to love. You should not need to change in order to be loved, its best when you are able to be yourself, not at your own expense, accommodate the needs of others, that can be draining. Never expect more than you give, and need expect more than any one person can give to you … its what you have to offer in life that makes you who you are, with or without a companion or significant other, able to achieve happiness on your own, that’s confidence.