Recently Retired Regulator ...
I used to think that I had it all, more specifically I used to be immune to all tough subjects. Imagine being that person for everyone in life, who they could go to to talk to and would always have something thoughtful to say that made exact sense to them like a fortune teller booth from the Movie: Big. It seems during my off years, talking to myself outside of my house, which my neighbors could hear, like the TV Show: Home Improvement, Ive come a long way, usually the world’s biggest shouting matches occur within, and theres really nothing that anyone can do to make you happy again and feel capable, other then you picking yourself off the bathroom floor, forehead bleeding, feeling like your life is over, and your Dad quietly encouraging you to get a job, and to continue to move forward in life and not give up. There is a phase when everyone is there for you, then you get better, then everyone is mad at you if you mess up again, and that’s recovery, support you, well well good good nice nice WHAT THE F ARE YOU DOING!? And then you go back into your shell, think about life, mind your space, mind the spaces of others, become suddenly quiet, your new psychiatrist thinks its Autism or PTSD, it was actually a learned skill, I had an Autistic neighbor in Marina del Rey who used to always through tantrums, I used to study outside on the steps to smoke, my neighbor above me hated me so I couldn’t smoke on my own balcony. At what point do you fail to become invincible? I think when (1) people are mad at you (2) people feel hurt (3) and you have to figure out whats wrong with everyone, that can be a really lonely task of trying to make others feel better without needing help from anyone to help make you feel better, which cant even be solved with a hug, I think people clam up in their shells and look like they need a hug, and that’s usually your cue to figure out whats the matter, without giving them a hug, that’s the lesson, not all sad feelings can be solved with a hug, its usually too late for that so loosen up, don’t let them throw the heat at you in life like you deserve it either, this is the A Team it gets no better than this!
Things I Collect ...
I collect limited edition sneakers beginning in college, songs I mix myself and save, anything leopard, shorts, leggings, nighties, and t-shirts whenever they are sold whereever they are sold. Ive never been a big shopper, but I have always had a taste for collecting things Ive found unique, and have not been able to find elsewhere never afraid to stand out or to be different, including wearing sweatpants beginning in high school, I found every pair possible of track pants, which were only sold at one shop in Westwood, or a Sportings Good Store. You didnt need much growing up, not when you were young, when you were able to put your whole apartment into two stacks of boxes and your life was manageable, later in life you tend to accumulate more things and that includes paper and other mementos in life that you cant seem to let go of, and thats when you begin to slow down when you start having difficulty keeping track of whats important to you, and no flashdrives or system of backing up information can protect you from anything bad happening to you when something of value of your own falls into the hands of another, that much you have to let go of, no one can control you having something of value to you, it will always feel special to the beholder something of yours in their hands including your heart or your face for that matter, we all have a desire to connect to people better and there are better systems for connecting than to figure out what effects people thats not a proper way of figuring out things in life for yourself or for others for that matter, that only means that some power has been lost, when someone is not their usualy self, smart, and it happens to most, when our minds leave us but we never expect that our hearts will leave us too. So always remember who you are connected to in life, that will always be your solution for moving forward, let no ones happiness ever intimidate you on your way to "happy destiny," you can handle anything you set your mind to, no matter what pictures of you have been taken, no matter what you look like, be about yourself, and no insults will ever have been taken as though you were ever mocking a system of communication that meant more to others than it has meant to your own way of viewing the world and yourself in it, never be intimidated. No one is watching you until everyone is watching you, and everyone knowing you is not how to live a private life it does the exact opposite subjects people to investigating what your about, until you know what the rest of life is like or about, thats how someone with a good life, gets hurt not having lived a life of their own, with expectation that one is meant to suffer the same or has not suffered or has not been exposed to suffering, or who does not know what the temperature of hostilites are like, what protections are required or how many bodyguards are needed to guard one home at night, I made a song for them once, singing in the street, one looked like Sylvester Stallon, one looked like Davy Crocket, and the others name was Jeffrey, he was the one who walked us around the house at night and showed us where all the spider webs were with a flashlight, and thats what my childhood was like, protected not sheltered.
She's a Mix ...
She a mix between Paddington bear, my little pony, and madeline, three classics you should never forget. Wisdom, theres nothing better than something well made, and upon remembering still makes you light up and think more about life, that’s away from any struggles faced by you or your predecessors, that’s the point of made in america, I think, the necessity for things to feel good, it’s a feeling to be provided. Maybe something others have a more well worn system to discovering, made by, produced by, known as, then to blame the causes for enlightenment or sameness, to the producer of that good like the Torah, used to be the $hit, until it was not good enough to save lives, same goes for any book, movie, tv show, or song, feels good is amazing so on point, but couldn’t save a life if you made it, means its not for that, it can protect us from harm by keeping us away from feelings, or being made in the hands of someone who doesn’t care, and that’s a recognition of you to something you are drawn to, and by selection later find out, communicates something different, I don’t think we had miscommunications since the radio was invented, why its here, to keep track of all our feelings and to communicate to the world where the majority is at, there are systems more experienced than simply bloggers, authors, lawyers, musicians, and history, know that you matter, no matter where you started piecemealing things together, no matter how late you are to appreciate your gifts in life or the gifts provided to you, no matter how more or less proud you are or of who with regards to the representative samples from every upbringing known to mankind online, we have examples, use them, and we have fans, don’t scare them, and we have feelings, be mindful of them, and we have a sense of humor, don’t let that slide in place of a serious tone, that takes you everywhere except for happiness in life, that alone time spent not well in between being on board and swimming behind the ship to catch up and get a donut thrown at you, all of us matter, all of us will be remembered, by the lives you keep, and for those who have been lost at sea, never forget their struggle in life, to stay out of harms way, and that means heartbreak, not forgiveness, that means ignoring, not promoting, and that means disinterest not attraction. Im sorry I gained 50 lbs back and stayed in my room for 4 years, and that its taken me this long to wake up again and be driven in life, not intimidated by anything not even a break up or dumping from an ex I used to be really into enthusiastic about, who I never understood his sense of humor, a Red Eye fan late night Fox News, the above the line above the temporal region of my hippocampus which is in my forehead, Im just kidding, where ever you are emotions, you are slowing me down, and that’s sad. So today editing my blog, everything showed up all over the place, Im sure this isn’t xbox, my worst nightmare, someone in my website, and putting their touch and face to things, to see if upon reading I recognize those changes not to words, but to font and pages shown or hidden, meddling with me on the inside of my website, to see if Im affected on the outside by who can see, that’s a reaction that never occurs, because you lose your mind, fall out of focus, and cant focus in on anything well enough to even tell whether there is a word in a multiple choice questions that’s obviously there to not be it, but you cant see what is right sometimes, if you are not focusing and retaining, that’s your mind glued to something else, and when your mind is glued to something else, what youre looking at doesn’t glue back. That’s a simple realization I had recently, I would never want anyone to get disheveled and lose smarts over simple things as aesthetics, that’s disappointing, so yes that’s a HUGE part of mental health, what things look like, who makes it, the hands of good people, with intent for your wellness be achieved, and not for the purposes of miscommunicating through you by choice, look like youre trying to be smart with others in an inappropriate way, that’s a communication that sounds like “burgundy” by Dolce and Gabanna, recommended not knowing who I am, Fox News makeup since 2015, and what things look like by changes or photos kept, in support of a tagging, which if is communicating about in reference to my CNN exposures, means that his Brother was not strong enough to represent him in life. Why we have the government to represent us and communicate for us, so that life stays fun not made out to be more serious and time consuming for any one person to accept any one person in life. That’s love, its either there, or you have to earn it, its seen, or something else is seen looking at you: evil. The shock in dislike, is not being pretty enough or good enough to be proud of myself and handle jabs to my ego, confidence, or self-esteem, like Ive got something in me, not of value, already disclosed for the taking and insults, so that’s becoming something youre not, what is thought of you looking at you: grose.
Everyone Has Insecurities ...
You know its not just you pal, you’re telling me, not even Starbucks can jam pack me with confidence for a few hours, that’s not what Frappuccinos are for Spock, nevermind. You win some and you lose some in life, sometimes theres heartache, sometimes responses, sometimes heartbreak, sometimes you have to do some chasing in life, to get liked back, or sometimes you can call, picking up the phone has never hurt a relationship before, if anything the caller or the responder feels that much more useful to the other, texting can be a drag, my heart does not read at lightening speed, dear writer. That’s what they don’t understand. To have confidence, drink less caffeine number one, be a calm person, energy on the inside, and glow on the outside, clean as dynomite! Pixi’s at CVS, I’m so excited for an in shower spa, for those of us who don’t have time to do one thing at a time, its always easier to do 5 things at once and have more spare time to yourself at your disposal, than to do one thing at a time, and book a whole day, that’s like 2 appointments, 2 meetings, plus work, who does that? Only at Famers, bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum, Ive called every food truck in the city, for insurance purposes … theyre only at the museum. Likewise, if you can get double checked triple checked, hospitalized blood drawn in public, then yes you can date again, I might as well work in a clear box in NYC, that’s not what blogging is about, or is it? What work has been done, unless your work computer is online, the only way they can tell if youre tired from working too hard is by looking at you, and if you don’t have a steady job, and you don’t tell anyone you blog because its taboo, that’s selling your career short in life, those are work skills! Performing abilities, under the pressures of fatigue, public scrutiny, and “Likes”? That’s a huge accomplishment, to be a writer in public, not even the 3rd Street Promenade has published a book yet, I might have been the first to do a backwalkover, sing with my headphones on, meet a guy, and publish 5 books online, 2 on lulu.com, and 1 with Amazon (still in the works). Who rights about this stuff anyways, to the next bush! To the next subject! To the next job! If they don’t know who you know in life, or even if they do, they don’t care, that’s the public, their main concern is the overall health of everyone as a unit, whos family are you in anyways? USA? Don’t throw me down the field, Im not ready yet for distribution, I just worked for a Global Film Production Company last year … the job is still there if I get well, IOP and meetings to boot first, I think that opportunities only avail themselves to you when well, otherwise you might as well climb Mount Everest in Tandem, make purses, do drugs, speak at mics, and sing. Don’t drink if you’ve never been a drinker at family dinners, chances are you are drinking to get drunk, and if you drink to get drunk then that’s one qualification for AA meetings, if your purpose is to hurt your mind, then you are the one who suffers in long run, #donotkegstand.
Historical Footage ...
No we do not have historical footage of the Dinosaurs, because we did not get here in time. That’s no ones fault, [The Native Americans] even flipped a Thanksgiving Table over it, stay in your tents, put wheels on them if you want to, it doesn’t matter how long it takes, if you don’t respect a system, then you will not understand a system to allow it to evolve on its own. Who is responsible for allowing others to thrive, Mother Nature, then let Mother Nature take its course, and improve upon systems of communication which enable us to be more on time in sync with reality, the health of others, the good health of everyone for humanitys sake. Building something online, is much like building something you think is needed or is to be of value, that’s not a replica of something already built, but you cant help but hear the commentary as something is being built, what it looks like to others, as in feud with the ideas of others, or as in sync with the best interests of others, that’s through the process of sharing your ideas, that your ideas are heard whether agreed upon by your entire following that’s privilege gets taken away once total understanding becomes of you, that’s not a wing to build, that’s called argument building, and eventually when it takes its toll toward any side, becomes a side of your own, to be meddled with. That’s called tearing down of the esteems of someone who finds or founds or creates a system of thinking, about the world, and claiming that their best intuitions are off because something better exists, well then how would we know if something better existed if we did not first have those granules of thoughts, or ideas, or systems in place to begin with. Who built who and by what means was nature built, compassions, empathies, emotions, and God?